P & P (I wish it was Pride and Prejudice)

Interesting is it not? The things you learn about yourself and how ugly you are. There is one specific area of struggle that I have hit on several times over the last couple months and I fear that it is my worst. If you have not figured it out (you should really read my titles more closely) Yes,I am talking about my foolish pride. I hate to see it, I hate to feel it, and I hate knowing that it is a part of me...a painful one.

Just last Saturday I got a nice sting directly where it would hurt the most. I am a swingdancer and have put much of my time and energy into it for the last year or so. I have spent countless hours learning, practicing, dancing into the wee hours of the evening. So, last Saturday night I was out and about at the usual place and found there was to be a contest. I entered knowing it would be "cake". I just wondered at what place I would get out of the top contestants. Would I finally beat my best friend? Or would I make it once again just below her?

Suspensed yet? Yeah right. I am only talking about dancing....or am I? The contest began and I danced my way through two or three terrible leads. I knew dance wise I still had a chance based on my "mad dancing skills" and so just waited patiently while the judges made their decisions. Then at last, they called the winners from 5th place to first. The first two females and males were called and I really wasn't paying too much attention yet as I could not have possibly been chosen lower then third. Then they continued to read the list. They called one after the other and then my best friend name was called for second place. Now I was a little confused. Either I actually beat her, (though I did not beleive this to be true) or something was drastically wrong here. Then they called the winner and guess what? It was not me.

My face flushed a bit (and my nostrils probably flared). Now I was irritated. What had gone wrong? I knew all the instructors, had practiced before and felt that even though my leads were not to my liking I felt I had shown my moves. Then that nasty little thing reared it's ugly head once again. My stupid pride. It began to cause me to respond in a way that was totally wrong and stupid. (as is the nature of the beast) I couldn’t be happy knowing I had been beat. Especially by people I "knew" were not as good of dancers as I was. I fumed inside and put a nice smile on the outside (at least until I could walk out of the room and feed my pride a bit more). Then some of the dancers came out and began to congratulate each other. Now I was even more upset about the current situation. Basically I was pouting. (Just like every child does ; )

I knew my pride was causing me to act this way and I was having a very difficult time responding to it. I am extremely competitive (at least when I am engaged in something) and so this really, really, hurt. How dumb is pain caused by ones own pride and competitiveness? Seriously! However if you only knew how much it actually hurt. I really, almost wanted to tear up. I felt the sting behind my eyes and needed to leave the situation quickly before I dared let any roll down my cheeks. Do you think me dumb? You should because I do.

This situation or one like it Reveals my pride and sinfulness. And what was worse is I just wasn't sure how to deal at the moment, how to get past how I felt. I have seen episodes like this before, this was nothing new. In fact this same feeling happened in a series of dance competitions about six months prior. Oh, and even when I made third or second (I really don't remember) I was not satisfied. To me there is something in my nature that drives my competitive side. It can be good but often is not. Then when I do compete I get to see how ungodly I am and how selfish and prideful my heart is. I left that night needing to seek the Lord's wisdom and forgiveness. I was reminded of how I need to learn to really pray and deal with this sin. That sin then leads into selfishness as I look to people and winning to measure my level of success. When I don't win or feel like I did a great job, I feel like a failure. I then have the urge to quit, to give up entirely rather then try and more and have a chance to loose, to fail. (Don't believe me...ask me how long it took me to get my Associates degree and how many classes I withdrew from in order to get there (Just to make this funny I will tell you...It took me 6 years to get my Associates and that is after withdrawing from about 45 classes....yes I said classes and not credit hours)(Be glad God is sovereign and He can change people) (Oh and thanks again to mother Lynne who would not let me drop another class)

You know when God is trying to teach you something it seems you refuse to learn? Yes, well, this conviction of not dealing with my pride really began on our mission trip in January. I don't see my pride for what it is often as it chooses the time to really make itself evident. I had one of these moments the day before we left Caborca and man did I hate it. A small group of us were out sharing in the town and we began to speak to a woman there. I found myself wanting to share, to have a purpose, to have something important to say so there my big mouth opened. I won't stretch the story out too terribly much but let me tell you I had to bite my tongue and silently pray. My eyes swelled and I realized my prideful attitude was leading my actions at that specific moment and not the Holy Spirit. I want to be led by the Spirit not led by my sin. I sobbed a little that day and went before the Lord to seek His forgiveness and begged for a change. This was not really that long ago...apparently I am stubborn and choose not to learn things quickly.

I rather enjoy the company of animals and have two ferrets at home. I love these animals dearly and they usually follow me all around the house from the time I arrive until I leave each day. They are not locked in a cage although they do have one and so roam about my room freely. Often they like to come up and lick my face or want to play in the early morning or middle of the night. When they can't seem to lick me awake, they begin other tactics. Sometimes they just give up and try again a bit later but other times their approach is quit painful. They might scratch a part of my arm or leg, they may try pouncing on me, or my least favorite they may grab the soft crease in my arm or my wrist with their teeth and begin to drag my body part across the bed until I jump up and wring their neck. (No, I would never actually do that(I love my animals more then most people : ) I usually just pick them up, look at the clock and pet them till they go away. (or till round two begins) Either way, that painful bite or scratch to my arm opens my eyes. I see God using the same tactics. (His usually hurt more, scar less, and serve a higher purpose) I needed Saturday night to happen in order that I may have my eyes opened farther to an area that needs some tending. This is going to be very difficult for me especially because the more I seek God, the harder it is to look at my own sin and the more evident it becomes. I know He was leading up to this even though I didn't want to see it, admit it, or even deal with it.

I was calmer by Sunday morning and decided to watch "Lord of the Beans". (A vegeietales movie about the gifts God gives you and how you use them) Now I began to realize some things that pride was influencing in my life. I was able to look at things a bit closer and do some analyzing. This movie helped set my direction toward what God was trying to tell me. (Other then the obvious) I dearly love to share the gospel and build relationship upon relationship with that in mind. Just as any other thing, I can get sidetracked and it doesn't take much. I was beginning to value certain gifts, over their purpose. On of these was dancing. And even though I was still in it to share, I had begun to shift. It seems at least Saturday I was focused more on talent, then my real purpose in life. I am so thankful for conviction and that the Lord can line you up before you stray too far.

Because of all this, I was reminded once again we are made for a different place. To long for our real home and to have a voice that shares our love for our Savior. To forget this makes us purposeless. I travel in several social circles and am glad for the reminder that I am not to be of this world or live for what they live. I was convicted about not being bold enough about sharing my faith getting too caught up in the scene and being part of it rather then making it evident that I live for something else. Therefore I am not to care what I am "good" at or how I "look" but rather WHO I live for and what my gift is for.

Really I should be thankful to God I am not too "awesome" at anything. People who are the best, the prettiest, the smartest, the most talented, the wealthiest, etc...I would think would struggle the most. I am too weak, and my struggles, to deep. God didn't give me too much talent in anything and I am becoming grateful of this. My gifts are for the sole purpose of bringing HIM glory and not me. I can not forget that, I must live each day for that. I can not forget I am made for another world, that this is not my home. Earth, a temporary dwelling only years from home. As is one of my favorite things to do, I must leave you with lyrics from a song I know that relates. (at least I see the connection and since I am the author of this I say it connects)

- KJ-52 Lyrics - 5th Element Lyrics

(If you don't read the whole thing-I know this is difficult when you are not listening to the song, please take a look at the last paragraph...seriously)



Who am I? The one that gets laced tight
The one you wear, hit a flare on the same night
That you hit an uprock, I'm the one in the closet next to one sock
The one you rock on the cardboard box
Walking to the one block
You know the one spot peeps get the one shot
Got one thought on the task at hand
You can ask your man I'm part of master plan
Only b-boys and b-girls, they understand
Whatever you say now, ya wish is my command
Name it, I'll be the footwork to your head spin
Follow your lead, go anyplace that ya legs bend
At ya cipher session I'm ya best friend
I got a twin, we's a pair clocking size 10
Head's a shell, three stripes on side
Laces large, on your feets I reside
Keep me clean, keep me laced, and I'll be allright
I be the first element up in here tonight

Who am I? See, I'm the one that you be gripping tight
The one that makes you sound real good when you be flipping right
And I'm the one causing fights up at the open mic
I'll make ya sound real stupid if you don't hold me right
I got emcees fiending for me all day and night
I could care less if ya on me if ya black or white
See all that matters when you rock me don't be coming wack and
Don't hold me to the speaker or I'ma feedback and
I'm used for rapping, every now and the used for passng
Back and forth in ya crew in a freestyle fashion
I get rocked, ripped, flipped on and blasted,
I'm spoke on, choke on, hit on, spit on, and mastered
I've outlasted, been used to tell truth and lies
Used to kill the youth and used to open up they eyes
I come in all kinds of sizes, heard all kinds of voices
Sometimes I'm plugged in, you know sometimes I'm cordless
Keep me clear, keep me close, and I'll be allright
See I'm the second element up in here tonight

Who am I? I got two heads and they always spinning
I got two arms that the deejays, they use for ripping
Plus a fader in my middle that they always gripping
I'm completed with the two records used for mixing
They pulling tricks and cutting up, ya know they scratching
Remixing beat, juggling just whie they mix and match and
All kinds of beats till it's the heat that I know ya catching
And I'm the one that started hip-hop in case ya asking
I got knobs and faders in a mad abundance
I come in many names, but most time it's 1200
When I get played now, you know that you truly love it
Now clean the needle on my arm or I'll be sounding busted
I'm disregarded, treated like I ain't legitimate
I'm making music, you don't see me as an instrument
And it takes true skills to get on me and be ripping it
Nobody sees my contribution, they ain't getting it
You know there's one thing that really now makes me mad
You used to blow me off but now I'm the latest fad
I'm the thing that every rock band they got's to have
Now people say my name and they be like "Now what is that?"
Keep me running, keep me spinning, and I'll be allright
I'll be the third element up in here tonight

Who am I? Se I'm hiding in your backpack
You tear my tip off, replace it with a fat cap
I'm 12 oz. of steel concealed in a knapsack
Ya pull me out, ya shake me up, and then attack that
Wall or train while ya steady throwing up your name
Leaving these end to end burners, ya getting ghetto fame
Now me and my brothers, ya know we come in many colors
Steady beautifying the walls of a ghetto culture
Toys and suckers now you know they getting dissed quick
I'm going all city all up in ya district
Ya hold me with control so I never drip thick
I'm tagging up ya spot, nobody misses it
See I'm the brush to a modern day type DiVinci
I'm the new urban renewal for ya block's committee
I've spoken words of the youth of an inner city
I'm vandalism but to others I'll be called graffiti
Keep me shaking, keep me spraying, and I'll be allright
I be the fourth element up in here tonight

Who am I? See I'm the God that you don't know about
I gave you breath up in your lungs that you can't go without
See you know the facts of My story you been told about
I'm always reaching out for you but you just keep on holding out
I know your doubts, I know you're thinking that I ain't real
See I know you forgot about Me when you got ya last record deal
See I know the way you feel, I walked the earth just like you
And like a child up in his Father's arms, I long to hide you
Many times I invite you while standing here right besides you
But you walk right past, you ignore My hands here given to guide you
I gave you gifts, I gave you talents that you just used to gain your wealth
But you took my gifts and talents only for you, just to glorify yourself
I was beaten and bruised, crushed now for your iniquity
Stripped naked, I was spit upon just for you to live eternally
Yet you blaspheme Me, you make moves without asking Me
Then you blame Me for your troubles and calamaties, you kidding me?
Keep Me first, keep Me in your life, and it's gonna be allright
See I'm Jesus Christ, the Fifth Element up in here tonight