Difficult returns

We arrived home safely from a weekend away up in the town of Williams. It was beautiful and an amazing weekend where I met so many great and fun people. The day we left I had decided to work on some artwork literally up to the point of departure. I decided to use a vs. from second Corinthians, the one that has been posted under the heading on my blog. The vs. is II Cor 4:16-18 So we do not loose heart. Though our outer nature is waisting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

This has become such an awesome vs. to me because it applies in so many ways. I need to be focused on the eternal but it is so difficult when we live in the temporal. The funny thing is that nothing seems temporal. Well, I was listening to the radio as I was getting packed to go and this was the vs. that they read off. I began to be worried as I knew God had put it in my heart to make something I could see often as a reminder of it and now I was listening to it on the radio. My heart was beging to prepare for something not great to happen because out of fear and trying to protect myself from all hurt, that is what I do. Then, after an amazing weekend we finished our last message this morning with this as the subject. Now I began to worry big time. Our pastor preached about how after weekends like these to be prepared for something to happen to pull our focus back of the cross. I sat there but thought there is nothing I will return home to that could be that bad. It is funny how wrong we can be.

What I am speaking of in it's essence does not matter but my response will. It is something that I already had been dreading for quit sometime which makes it even worse on so many levels. Though, it was something I had been through over and over again and so I just cried out to God and begged Him to just help me get it this time so that I don't have to hurt this way again. I don't know if it is over yet or if it is something that will happen again. But, as tears stream down my face and my eyes burn I am sitting here and trying desperately to see God's plan in this.

God answered one of my prayers but how often does He answer the way we want? So, I am just going to fall before Him and thank Him for that. Everything in me wants to run and get away, or to hate God. The warm, salty, tears only remind me that if I don't learn what it is that God is trying to make me see, that He will bring me through it again. Maybe it is a matter of the fact He doesn't want me to run anymore. Maybe it is simply a matter of never trusting my heart to be right about anything...ever. Or, maybe he just wants me to trust Him for all things. Right now, I am struggling to breath.

I am trying to learn to run to Him rather then from Him and to remember every vs. that talks about the reasons things happen. My friends, I don't want to talk to. My family, unbelievers who will only discourage me more. My flesh, wants to put everything about me down. I hate the physical response to pain. Meanwhile I am going to try to seek God and run to His arms for every trouble, every trial, and to lead me through every situation. And hopefully, I will not back off from my relationships with people in my life as that is another tendency I have.

I want to open up my life for God to move to action elsewhere. I don't want worldly success so I want God to direct all aspects. I think I would rather take out my creativity and my feelings in art and music and poured out in words to my Savior. I want my life to change. He promises me everything if only I can give Him anything. I give my soul and everything that I am and hope for once I can give it up without holding on to even one little corner. So, we shall see what plans God has for me...and the morning is a new day. And broken, never feels sweet. But, when God needs to sever something from your life it will be painful but if it captivates you more then Him at anytime it must be done. The struggle will be to find encouragement from an all to discouraging situation. Please just read this song. That my friends is my fairwell.


Sweetly Broken-
To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed Showed that God is love
And God is just

Chorus: At the cross You beckon me You draw me gently to my knees, and I am Lost for words, so lost in love, I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given Through Christ crucified
You’ve called me out of death You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath Now through the cross I’m reconciled

Chorus: In awe of the cross I must confess How wondrous Your redeeming love and How great is Your faithfulness (2x’s) Chorus: Label: Vineyard Music you with a song.
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