Today and the last few weeks I am back to realizing somethings in my life that are good but distract from the great. I am unwilling to let go and give up but in doing so fail to trust and try to pick up the pieces on my own. It has to be more then words but it is the words that circle in my head and keep my actions cold. I move swiftly in and out seeking out exactly what I deem worthy of my love and my time. The focus shift is dangerous and I so passionatly pursue with everything until that moment when I come into focus and then I quickly let go trying to run the other direction just as fast as I climbed in.
Tonights thought trap is school. Completely capable and yet completely stressed when I am in the dreadful thing. The worst part about school for me is that I know I can and I know that I am good at it. Sounds great and not terrible I am sure. However, with that said I am not doing school to glorify God. In fact, whenever I am in school I fail to even notice my Savior for my focus is directed on making myself exactly who I "should" be and not who I want to be. Somehow, I feel it makes me of more value and more knowledgable and in the end is a way for me to be in control of my own life. Life for me is so much more then this and my walk is seriously effected everytime I am in classes. How do I so quickly trade God for this?
I sit tonight just as I have many other times wondering why I cannot pursue and love both? Why can I not love You in the midst and why does it become too much to bare?Forgive me for giving up on You so easily chasing the worlds dream and failing to trust in Your plan. If something is this difficult what should I do with it? I keep holding on and keep pursuing "knowing" it is best but it has proven over and over that it fails and I quit on it and loose all the things you have made me for. I chase and chase the emptiness and labor in vain and none of it is for the kingdom but only for my selfish self. May You stir my direction and my heart and give me direction. Maybe now is not the time and maybe there never will be.
I am leaving the page tonight with one tidbit I learned from my economics class. Even things that are free, still have a cost to them. There is the time spent in doing the item and for me to work as much as I do and also do school I have to give up everything else...and in doing so I give up my relationship with God as well. Tonight, I am just going to pursue answers...I don't want to take on something else I am going to quit or that causes me to be unlike who You want me to be. I don't want to believe the world telling me I have to be this way or that way in order to be loved or valuable. I don't know if I can do this for three more years in fact I know I cannot. That should be my answer but this stubborn girl keeps trying to make stuff fit that is just not meant to.
I am not made for anything other then You and all You ask is my life in return. Father, forgive me for giving up the ministry I love and the ways You have gifted me in return for something that is of little kingdom value. May You show me what You want me to be and for now may I be willing to give it so easily. I give it to You Father and I let it go. The things I hope and dream belong to You.
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