Fairytale

Ruminants of mascara under my eyes creating a soft outline. Movies both watched and returned. Drive in the dark. Window down, music loud and first ponytail of the week other then the gym. Jeans that are a size too big. Stripped hoodie. Lots of ideas and thoughts circling my head. Tonight's feelings take over when I am trying to make my heart obey my head. Maybe it is just that week of the month where my emotions dominate more then usual. Or...maybe not. Mixture of sin. Changes.

Replaying conversations and memories in my head. Things I wanted and those I did not. Moments of embarrassment. Moments of fun. Moments of pain. Things I never wanted to let go of but did not and do not have a choice. Guys. Thinking there is no longer a reason to wait for anyone. Wonders why the compliments from guys at work mean nothing though sometimes it is nice to know someone cares. Hates when my thoughts wander and I begin to enjoy the attention. Wonders about my Opthamologist as he may be a Christian with some of the things he said. Wonders why he can tell me as a Dr. how beautiful my eyes are. Wonders why I can't just be best friends with a guy and marry or date one of them. Wonders why I act cold and standoffish with men.

Thinking about girl movies. They seem to be unhealthy. They seem to create very unreal expectations of love and stir up emotions that should not be yet. Maybe I need a girl movie sabbatical. More gym time sounds good. Why is it the only guy devoted to me seems to be the one I will not date? I can get text and phone calls and he is coming to San Diego to see me run the marathon. He...is my brother. Wonders why no matter how much I like a guy it never seems to work out. I feel like I need to give them less grace and wait less on them. If they don't want me...move on. My life goes way too fast and yet some things are so slow.

I keep thinking about all the unrealistic expectations I build up in my head for guys to live up to. I don't like the expectations they put on me but these girl songs and movies don't help one bit. I want a guy to.... the list goes on. How do I know? When I run, I want someone to love me enough to go after me. They don't. I feel like all girls want that. We want the hero and the guy who will fight for us and come after us when we leave. Maybe that only exists in movies. I don't know. I hate that I can be so wrong and completely not understand. I try.

I am told things should be easy. What does that mean? What if you find someone you love being with and who you have never found anyone else like? What if sometimes it is easy and other times it stinks? I am told if it does not happen fast or he does not chase me then move on. Told he should initiate everything. Told there is someone better...always....It is not easy to find someone you WANT to be your best friend. Some guys seem so perfect on paper. I don't like them. Other guys not so perfect on paper but...I don't care. I am not perfect on paper and I don't want to be. It is not paper I want. Tonight, I just want to give up on it all. I am tired of it.

It is so hard to feel like everything I am waiting for is worth it. I don't want to build it up in my head or sin but I do both. I want to know there is someone worth waiting for...however I cannot stand still and wait around for something that may never be. There are so many things I want to say. I don't want to do life alone but I am not sure I have a choice. Is just weak right now. Feeling a little sad right now but trying to trust God. It is going to be difficult in a relationship or out because either way there are trials and hardship.

I need to stop looking for a balance in a guy. I know I need Christ for that. If I think I need a guy to balance me...it will never be right. I don't know what I really want but I have ideas. I don't know what I should do. Life is not a fairytale. I asked a friend the other day about how guys think. I was more or less telling him what I did not understand. There is so little. It is crazy how different our minds work. The same situation from entirely different views. I don't understand. It hurts sometimes. It hurts even more when some guys can just walk out of your life and it appears like they never even cared about you at all. It really hurts when guys don't care enough to keep you in their life. When they don't put in any effort then it proves how little you mean...or that is what it feels like. Then you wonder why you didn't mean anything or why your not worth holding onto. Then you sit and have to just wait. Wait to get hurt again. Yet, you go into every relationship positively even though you expect your heart to get broken. Ha ha....blasted positive outlook on life.

I guess that is still a blessing. Yet I go so fast. I fall into everything so fast. I can fall out fast too if the other side lets me go. I hate girls emotions especially one week of the month... : ) I can laugh at myself as well though. I like the simple. I like the idealized. I like the beauty in life. I love the music I have on. I like that I think like a girl. I like guys and their testosterone. Wait...not sure how that sounds. There is something very attractive about guys.

I can't help but love hugs. I love the simple. I just really like being with someone. I love the smell of guy cologne or sometimes even the deodorant they wear. The way they act protective. I love gentle protectors. I think sometimes I continue to choose danger partially because I am waiting for someone to care. Sometimes that is just my personality too. Few people exist who I will really match well. It is really hard to find. That...keeps me so disinterested in men though I like the idea. Mostly. So...now I guess I just have to hang until I catch a guys eye. I think that is how the saying goes.

I really like being girly. It is difficult for me to want to be girly without having a guy I want to look nice for. I don't like unmerited attention. I want to look more perfect but... I like wearing makeup sometimes. I like the glitter and perfume and stiletto heals. The skirts and lip gloss and cute hair. But...I like guys who like me both ways. I don't want to ever be required to be anything other then natural. I love smells. I am so weird about scent that I won't share with other girls. I want a guy to remember only me when he smells that scent. I have specific shampoo and conditioner, sometimes a hair gloss, perfume, lotions. I need to get some sleep. I needed to get some of this off my mind. I needed to vent....to no one.