Fellowship

Today's night has arrived and it is nearing the day that follows. I sit here remembering how much I love to write. I love words. I love song lyrics more then most things. Keep your poetry if I can trade it for the lyrics in songs. The way songs make me feel. It is an understanding and a way that they make me feel or describe it. Sometimes I don't feel exactly what they say but I feel through them or maybe I just get them. So, unrelated to my topic of the evening I listen to the song "Sympathy", by the Goo Goo Dolls and it sets my mood for this evenings journey through my brain.

The strawberry sitting next to me is beautiful ripened and sweet to the taste. Unfortunately some of it's enjoyment is lost by the fact I had some work done on a molar located in the back of my right jaw. As I sit and chew slowly I am suddenly aware at the coldness which sends a sharp and shooting pain through my tooth to the gum registering in my head and I shift the strawberry immediately away to the other side. I wonder if the sensitivity which has suddenly formed in my mouth will eventually subside or if I am to deal with this unexpected change for years to come. I wind down and pull another strawberry from the bag sitting here crossed legged with a pillow against my chest and a churning on my mind. I begin to think about sensitivity.

I wonder how callused I have become and if I think about my sensitivity the same way. How sensitive am I to the Spirit in my life? I know that I can overlook it and push it behind and loose it quit easily. Then, I wonder why I fail to see things. There is so much ugliness in the world about us that becomes the norm. Yet, we want the sensitivity to leave. I was thinking about that in the car ride today. I am training in Tempe this week and have quickly made a few new friends. I drove everyone to lunch today and realized how many missed opportunities I have had. There have been so many lately and I have not been sensitive at all. I see them missed and do not change them. When and where did I become so complacent in my life. I used to be the first one to share...to share about You and love You enough. There is an ache and loss of joy there that I have ceased to to what I am made and called to do. Where did I become so unspoken about my faith? I used to boldly proclaim You everywhere without fear. When did I loose that?

I realized it started with a slow disregard and ignoring of Your Spirit. It begins simply when there is pain felt and I slowly stopped noticing it. Just like that tooth that I am so aware of for the moment if I do not think consciously about it I may soon forget. Easily done unless I have a constant reminder and some pain every time I chew a frosty item there. So, when did I loose this? I think it began with a following of feeling vs. knowledge which often gets me in trouble. I love the song "Slow Fade," which says so much of how things slip in or out.

Meanwhile it was just this weekend looking at the loss of sharing and opportunities I will never get back plus my growing attitude toward church. Especially the last few weeks but I have had a sudden disregard for going to church on Sunday. I am craving more and more the word or the pursuit of God but less a desire for the service. I could not figure this out nor my disregard of care if I missed it or not.

I pondered over many aspects of this situation in my head and came to a few realizations. Church itself is commanded and so right to do. Church itself though should be a gathering for fellowship and for teaching not just going. I am unable to "do" church. I don't like rules and follow them terribly. So, the last few months the people that were really important to me have shifted in their lives. I have not made the important shift myself. Church to me has become empty. I have a difficult time now listening. I am in a room with hundreds of people I know and I feel alone. I hear perfectly practiced worship songs and fail to want to praise. It has become a show and a practice and lacks for me the relationship side. I am in need of something different.

Not a Wednesday do I miss and this is not because the teaching is perfect. God tells us it is not good for man to be alone well I agree that not one of us should. We are a relationship based creation and when we put that aspect into our lives we can see some of the holes. I realize more then ever how I need people. I know that. I know that more now because without fellowship it is just church and I don't do that well at all. I miss the relationships and the more simplistic. I am ready for a change. I want a change in scenery and in my heart as well. So, this Sunday I begin to go to Praxis once again. For that I pray and now I am excited. Excited to see God what You will do. I am ready for some leaps this year and I pray You would bless this one. There are so many reasons now for this move and I pray that it is a blessing and the right step. I wish I could say everything that I am thinking but at this moment I am already fading.