Today

Anxiety creeps into my head and heart as of late and I have yet to discover it's origin. I first thought it was a relationship that was a possibility but that was an incorrect assumption. I next thought it was a relationship that was never going to be but that was not the origin either. Business I doubt as the cause because I am never not busy. I think it is a combination of things that is causing it to well up so strong within me.

As I continue to seek daily falling in love with Jesus I see so many things. There is so much darkness and temptation in this world yet God continues to love us. I was listening to a song today that reminded me of prayer and how much I need to draw to that. It is something that I will always be working on and the line of the song continues to remind me of the why behind it. The line is from a Casting Crowns song and it says;
If My people called by My name
If they'll humble themselves and pray
If My people called by My name
If they'll humble themselves and pray

It does take humility to pray and I feel like that is so often why I don't. I got this right? Always wrong... Or I just know He has it. I trust that yet it takes humility to ask. He wants that! The attitude that proves my humility and my recognition that I need Him with everything that is inside of me.

I have been learning a plethora of stuff lately and know more then ever how I can't get through one moment without knowing He is there.

Ministry continues to be my heart and it has been for so long. I keep pursuing things that try to take me and steal me from that. I can't do it. The building anxiety in my heart is a deep warning because I am trying to do it again. I keep trying to do business and school and every single time it turns out wrong. It takes me away and steals from me the one thing that gives me so much joy. I don't understand what I am supposed to do with it but I am trying to figure it all out.

I was talking with a friend the other night and she asked about guy stuff. I remember telling her how nice it is to be in a calm place with that issue. I am not entirely sure what God has there but I have in my sanity made up my mind on a few things. I know how much I love God and how much I love to share and do ministry. Just about every guy that has crept into my heart has robbed that part of my life from me. So, if the only thing I learn is this I know and have said for years that if a guy wants in my life we need to be running the same direction. I will not give up ministry or sharing opportunities for him because there is not a him that I want more. I can judge if a relationship is healthy for me based off that barometer to some extent. If my ministry and passion for the gospel is slowly fading then he is not right. I want someone that ignites that and who I do the same for. That is my biggest fear right now. Getting in a relationship that will hinder my ministry.

God has blessed some amazing opportunities with very specific women in my life. I wish I could pour out all the details here. He has also continued to bless me with a very special mentor and friends. For these I am so grateful. One of these is a guy friend who I see as nothing outside of a brother. He has been so detrimental the last few weeks as he is so good at hearing what I say. He has been very helpful in helping me in moments to try and drown out my heart to listen sometimes to what my head says. This is one of the most difficult things in the world for me as my heart has a much stronger pull on everything in my world. Sometimes...it should not and he has been so great at telling me especially with guys to listen to my head because my heart will follow. That is key at least for now.

Now, I am off to spend some much needed time with God. It is so easy to fall and I try to be on guard but still fall. I hate that. But God is gracious and He allows me to fall because then I also get to choose in moments to lean on His strength and to choose Him. I know He is the best thing...at all times. May I cling tightly to that and may I always delight in Him.