Focusing.

Eggnog latte in my tummy warming my inside hopefully enough to send a heat wave through the rest of my body. It has been a two bath and one shower just to thaw frequently kind of day. My mind is racing but faster then normal because it rarely stops. Tiredness is trying to settle in and my journal is somewhere in my room leaving the fasted rate of dictation to be in the form of typing a blog. Fancy that and the wonderment of technology...it is a beautiful thing.

Tonight's message in church was perfect as the previous moments of the day have led me to thinking much about where I am at with God. This is not something that can be defined but being a continual thinker there are times I must keep my thoughts in check. I let my mind wonder down each and every direction it would like to go and can on occasion stray to where I don't want to go. In moments like these I am reminded that first off God's call is to obedience. He wants my obedience more then my sacrifice and when my mind is not focused on Him it tends to stray. I was realizing how much I talk about things and what topics are always on the tip of my tongue ready to burst forth into sound. Of late it is not things of God because I have seemed to be farther and more distracted.

I lingered over this thought today and how God calls me to take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ and how sometimes I let it slither sinful directions. How does anything that is not of God honor God? How can I possibly have excuses and think that it is OK to think what I want? Thoughts often drive my actions because I am such a quick mover so why do I not fill it with what I am called to? I am simply and easily distracted.

The message tonight was great because it leads into things I had thought about and is a great encouragement to jump on the bandwagon of things I desire to pursue. I have often talked about mission and service for the Lord. I have talked some about school, much about guys, sometimes about songs and heart stirrings. I am an action person with tons of energy but sometimes feel like a ping pong ball trying to jump in every direction at one time. I need to take it down a couple notches and try and stay focused on only a limited number of things. I need to be committed to something and stick with it even when I can't breath and when I want nothing more then to run with everything inside of me. I need to feel You when I am on my knees and mean it when I pursue You and pray till I want nothing and no one else. I need You so badly. I ache for You and I try over and over again to fill that with anything that seems handy. Forgive me Father for that. It breaks my heart how easy I sin. How easily I break communion and how my sin and dwelling on things only separates me from You and Your perfect presence. On my knees God, on my knees. May my heart be stirred in every facet and filled by You.

In the moments my mind fills up by my own thoughts and worries I am living in sin. I try and figure things out all on my own and somehow believe that I am capable. If I just do this or say that or find this or turn from that somehow it will all make sense. However, I realize how much my self-focus is actually doing the opposite entirely and how much I need You to help me see outside of that at times. May I see others needs as above my own and pursue godliness and be truly broken. I am so strong and so stubborn God that I often believe I have to see your plan. I don't I just have to trust it.

With all this comes a time where I am trying to simplify life just slightly and not fill it so full that I can't see anything else. I really want to begin working on a brand new ministry project and Father I am begging for Your strength and direction in this. If it is Your will Father bring some ideas or person or direction for me to follow in the pursuit and make it clear if this is the direction You have me. My heart feels empty and useless God when I don't feel opportunities to share You and God I pray this is only the beginning. I know what You have made me for and see the gifts and talents that right now I am not using. May You bring them to life for You and for Your glory. I start the research now God may You be my lead and my I just chase You and no one else for You are the only one who I am supposed to pursue.

Highlights from tonight's message added only to my already churning mind so much to the point I did not stay in church for the ending. Rushing to the paper I go to capture the ideas God. Thank You so much for allowing me to be such a passionate person and Lord please continue to mold and refine this constantly broken vessel. What we believe determines how we behave. This is crazy true because what we believe about You and the world and every action we make or don't make is based off what we believe. So, we should just be able to watch the lives around us or in my case I took a look at my one life to asses what I believe based off my actions as of late.

I know what turns me on and what stirs me up and in that God need to pursue those things and the Word. I can't know You and feel You and be filled by You if it is only in mind. If I want something bad enough I will chase it and chase it hard but the only one I am called to chase is You. I will pursue You as a treasure just as one day that is how I would like to be pursued. Another thing Tyler brought up this evening was the idea that humans live out of our hearts. So, if something other then You is captivating me it will effect every area of my life and I can tell. I can tell right now it is not You and forgive me God how that breaks my heart. I wonder why I don't have answers and why things don't make sense and why I have to just walk away but I fail to be captivated by You and in doing so cannot possibly see things clearly anyway.

This weakness worries me because I don't like the up and downs God and the moments I stumble so roughly along. I don't want to be like this but I am. How much I want You. How much I ache for You. May Your spirit be alive in me Father and may I be evidence of You. How much I need to be patient in everything. I can so easily and quickly move along through life changing directions in two seconds. I can walk away. I can give up. I can move on and cling to other things. That is not what Your trying to teach me but to hold on to You. I don't. I let hurt drive me. I let fear live in me and alter my thoughts. May I know Your protection and trust the pain You allow. May I not replace the pain with someone or something else. I need to breathe. I need Your continual forgiveness and God I beg again for a true and humble brokenness. I want to see sin as my separation from You and understand the seriousness of it. I just ache for You. May I fall in love God with You. May I live my life for no one Else's eyes God. It is for You alone now may I keep that perspective in check. I don't care if I say to much God thank You for making me real. Thank You for the amazing energy and joy and for the ways You allow me to delight in You and in life. Father, I need You to be my Father. Fill my aching heart, my aching arms, my cup.