What does one wait for?

Woke up this morning and already broke rule one. Funny how the mind works so it appears this will be a process for me since I am always trying to figure life out. Perhaps I will struggle through the rest of today and work myself into tomorrow. Some things Cathy said last night are just rambling through my mind today though thankfully not until I woke myself up at 6a.m. Lots yet to do this morning but I just want these things out so I can walk away from them for at least a few hours.

Guarding ones heart is continually important. She continues to urge me to guard mine and not wait on any man. I figured this out just a couple months ago this year and am still figuring out exactly what this means. Why would I wait or hold out for things that may never be? This goes many directions in life but especially with regards to my heart. I am at the point where I have a great friend and now I am the one telling people how much I love him but how I have no intentions with him. I now have to make sure that we don't appear like we are dating and that is very, very difficult to do. I did wait on him. I waited on him for a really long time and through it realized how amazing he is and how much fun I have with him and how perfect at times it seems but how I know that when we are alone, or when it comes time for me to do something random or crazy...he is not the type to do it or be there with me.

I remember my previous mentors telling me at one point in life about just chasing God. One day you will look around and find out that there is someone going your direction and chasing Him with you. It is then that you will notice each other and then you know it is just right. He is not that for me but I love him and care so dearly for him and his family. He has been there for me so much lately and a true friend. It is not him I am waiting for. Unless God dramatically changes my situation I am waiting on something else. I don't know if I have seen it or found it yet but it is difficult to work through. How do you wait and find the guy who makes it clear? No games, being patient but not holding my heart for....if a guy is worthy and he wants you he will make it known. So, that is what I am to wait for. I cannot invest in a maybe. Maybes go on for days and months and sometimes years with a broken and invested heart. The others are not attached to me in the same way so all it manages to do is create an attachment that is unhealthy. Holding on to what I want, to what I can't seem to let go of has taught me a lot.

It took two very difficult situations with this guy to get us where we are now. I get it though and I understand it and now he gets no part of my affection that belongs to the man God has made me for. That, would be unfair to both him and my future. That would also be unfair to hang around and hope that the more I loved him the more he would love me. I did that for so long and thankfully God has made that situation even clearer the last month or so. With that said I have to now be very careful how it looks. If to every guy that is in my life it appears as though him and I are in a relationship I will have little opportunity to experience new relationships and friendships but may be blinded and content in this one. That is also not what I want since now is when I just have to run toward Christ and find the one who is running near me.

There is so much to wait on in life and sometimes it comes to letting go and other times it comes to being patient. There is a fine line but God all I ask is that You continue to allow me to wait on only those things I have to learn patience through and not the ones that I am just trying to hold on to. May You teach me the difference and may I lovingly give to You the things that I want realizing that You know best. May I believe that even when I think I know best. May I only wait God on You and be patient in You rest and in Your presence. May You prepare me and hold my heart fast until Your time. I am not sure what that is or what it looks like but God may I not try and give it to any less worthy thing then You. Guide me and give me strength to follow You and run hard and fast throwing off everything that would trip me or hinder my journey. Teach me to trust You and fall down and let go. Make Your plans clear and help me to guard the heart You give me.


While I'm Waiting
by John Waller

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord