Tonight ended with eggnog. I did not drink it but sat the cup in front of me with a thankful ending to the evening.(I did have a bit earlier though) Too much sometimes are family holidays and gatherings for me. We all have the family situations that arise but it seems difficult for me to be with my family. I feel so weak and so unprotected and just wish I could be more myself instead of always on edge at these functions. Tonight was no different at least until the ending of the evening. I sat over a cup of eggnog and chatted with Sam. Simple, calm, and I loved the mellow and calmness.
God's ways are right and true and I fail so miserable already. This, I know and I am so far from where I will and want to be and yet I don't like having to deal with ridicule for the way I choose to live. Such a slight bit of persecution but my heart is much softer then I choose to show. It feels sometimes so deeply it is almost something physical. There are good and bad things that overwhelm me at times and I like that I feel so deep but I don't like it when I feel so open and unprotected. I long sometimes for the physical protection, for arms I can be wrapped up in, to just feel safe in someones company.....and I know that comes from Christ.
A strange situation and an uncomfortable one was brought on not only by my ideals and the gospel which I live for but just because of my lack of comforming. I understand that this may be the only persecution that I deal with in my life but sometimes when it is family or friends it is much more difficult to know how to respond. A certain guy who tries to win my attention and affection and a family friend told me he was my present before getting down on one knee to act out a marriage proposal. Following this came up the virgin discussion. For real why can't people just let me pursue and believe the truth and what God has to offer in a marriage relationship and a marriage bed and not take that as an opportunity to get on me? They do not understand and God's word tells me they will not but sometimes it is difficult to be made fun of for it. So after several rounds of shots fired at me and my virginity...I walked inside to just be still for a bit. Irritated but only one of the things on my mind so the situation has passed and now I must just find a way to honor God in it.
There are a thousand things going through my head right now and few I have answers for but it is not my place God that is Yours. I beg of You to help me just run that much harder toward you throwing off all things that hinder me and striving toward Your truth. I should love them and just humbly submit the reasons I choose to live the way I do and know how to respond when I become the joke of the evening. I should be strong enough to face opposition knowing it is an opportunity...I wish sometimes I were stronger but God You allow me to be a weak vessel. It is then that I see You, that I need You, that I ache for You and for home.
There are song lyrics that linger in my head and some newer ones from a worship CD. It is funny because they have more to do with the physical longing which I deeply understand. There is a physical ache that right now Father only You can satisfy. I tend to be a very touch oriented and physical person so some of these songs just make sense to me and touch on both the heart longing and the physical. God, may You be my complete....my completed everything! So, as the ramblings of this blog are more my thinking on paper I am compelled to leave some of the simple lyrics behind. How much music speaks volumes to me and how thankful I am Father for the ears to hear it...it moves my heart in so many wonderful ways...thank You I can sing to it and dance to it and feel it...
I Cannot Hide My Love
From Enter the Worship Circle
HOLY SPIRIT, I NEED YOUR TOUCH
MORE THAN EVER BEFORE
OH JESUS, I NEED YOUR LOVE
AND I`M DESPERATE FOR MORE (2X)WHEN I FEEL YOUR PRESENCE ALL AROUND ME
WHEN I FEEL YOUR ARMS AS THEY SURROUND MEI CAN NOT HIDE MY LOVE, I CAN NOT HIDE MY LOVE
MY FEET WILL HAVE TO DANCE
I CAN NOT HIDE MY LOVE, I CAN NOT HIDE MY LOVE
MY HEART WILL HAVE TO SING
Be Near To Me
from Enter the Worship Circle
MY HEART IS BROKEN, MY SPIRIT CRUSHED
THERE IS ACHING IN THESE ARMS
TO FEEL YOUR TOUCHBE NEAR TO ME, BE NEAR TO ME
I WILL TASTE AND SEE
THAT YOU ARE GOOD, SO GOOD
RESCUE ME QUICKLY, LORD HEAR MY CRY
I AM REACHING OUT MY HANDS
MY SOUL IS DRY
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