Beauty

This morning as the storms clouds blew swiftly by so did a smile upon my face. Arizonans...Beauty that takes my breath away. The rain began to pour down and I was reminded of our Creator. Who am I to complain? Who am I to think something He made is not a work of art? Yet still, I have my days and my moments. I am a fighter. I still have my weaknesses. Today, it is the weakness of awareness of my imperfection.

Strong I am in many ways and stubborn. A fighter comes out when I find something worth defending or something worth fighting for. Is it easy? Not always. Especially when I am fighting the majority. Personality is funny. Being a treasure in God's eyes and for His glory is exceedingly difficult at times. There is so much weakness there. Today's weaknesses lie in the outward as well as in control. It is so easy to loose control but difficult to give God control. Perhaps it is not control but self control. Being disciplined is a valuable trait and something worth the pursuit of. Sometimes I fail and I sin. This comes out in many ways and when it does I hate it. I hate the loss of control and the mistakes or sin. It is gross. Sin. And yet, obviously in those moments I love it more then I love You Father.

It is easy to fail. Especially when I rely on my strength. I am so weak. A weaker vessel not just by design but by my sex. Strength is attractive. Your strength Father. I am unsure if strength comes first without pain. Life is full of pain but through it comes change. I wish that I would rely completely on Your strength and not my own. It is weak. Strength in control. That is even more attractive. I think of men. They are more physically stronger by design. I like knowing they are stronger. I like even more when they maintain their strength gently. I do not like men who are fighters. I do like men who are protective. It is a fine line. There is something attractive about knowing a guy could overpower you, but knowing and trusting him not to. There is a lot of trust in relationships. Knowing he wants you, but refuses to loose control.

The world skews beauty. We buy into it. When I let my guard down I buy into it. Love. The world paints its version. Sex. The world paints it's picture. Beauty. The world defines it. Truth. The world kills it and makes it relative. God. The world ignores You. Worship. The world re-defines it and worships everyTHING. Money. The world lusts after it. This place changes how we feel and what we think about everything to the best of it's ability. Innocence is neither valued or attractive.

I let myself be bombarded by it all today. I fell into traps in my mind and in my heart. I am struggling to find the balance. Believers and unbelievers alike seek to be more worldly. We chase the same things, look the same way, trade one life after another for the truth. Today I fought so hard and did not win. I trusted myself. I found myself buying one lie after another but trying in my mind to fight them. I hate them. I hate when my mind buys the lies that conformity is necessary.

Romans 12:1-2

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

I am trying. I need to pursue more of this and believe it. I need it's truth and to pray through it. My body is a temple. But today, I found all it's faults. I thought about having to be "perfect." This new job situation will not help this at all as finding the balance between professional and beauty is difficult. It is such a painful struggle to have to deal with. I battle back and forth inwardly. Is my beauty really found in wearing make-up? The world seems to think so and tell me so. My boss mentions it, guys tend to give me more attention, girls tend to flatter me, and when I have it on I "know" I am beautiful. What about the figure? I see the flaws in my body. The many, many things I would change. They now offer all kinds of surgery for just about anything I don't like. I can change my eyes, my chest size, be skinner, tighter skin, remove flaws. I see where I need to tone, where I need to tan (everywhere since I have ivory skin...and in ivory skin the flaws are easier to notice). The hair. Should it always be in perfect place and straightened and perfected? The outfit. Should it be fashionable at all times?

Being a girl has it's moments but sometimes it is so difficult. Especially when the world defines beauty for us. It is really difficult to ever feel beautiful with all the standards it holds us to. I hated today for that reason. Knowing I can change it all but deep down I don't want to. I fight that all the time. I don't understand. I don't know what guys expect. Do they expect the barbie? The polished outside at all times? Makeup everyday, perfect hair, perfect outfit, perfect figure? I wish I did not feel like that was an image they expected. Sometimes I do. Why is it so "unattractive" to like to be makeup free? Or, let my hair be curly? Or why is it terrible to be a jeans and flip flops girl?

God's word does not tell me I have to be beautiful as the world defines it. The picture the bible holds of women is so different. God does not require it so why does it feel like men do? I hate that. I hate feeling like everyone is supposed to be a cookie cutter. I wish I never bought into the lie. Sometimes I do. I feel like that is what I have to do even though I dislike that the world uses those things to define beauty. It does. Maybe we all do. It hurts but I know I am capable of trying to keep up. I don't want to though so it becomes a struggle. I don't want to gain confidence from looking "perfect" all the time. I don't want to have to keep up with the standard. And...tonight I hate it because tonight I struggle with it and all the insecurities it brings.

May I tonight just believe Your truth. Tonight is very difficult and I am super struggling through that. May Your words ring true in my heart. May I remember what I do, I do for Your name and Your glory and not my own. May I not buy any lies. Forgive me for when I do. When I let them run rampant and chase them. When I trade them for You. May I not loose sight of the cross for anything or anyone or any desire...

The Outsiders
by Needtobreathe

Shortfalls of little sins
Close calls and no one wins
Stand tall but running thin
I’m wearing thin

Oh, why are we keeping score?
Cause if you’re not laughing,
Who is laughing now?
I’ve been wondering
If we stop sinking
Could we stand our ground?
And through everything we’ve learned
We’ve finally come to terms,
We are the outsiders.
Oh, we are the outsiders, oh

I’m not leaving without a fight.
I got my holster around my side.
Just ‘cause I’m wrong it don’t make you right.
No you ain’t right.

Oh, why are we keeping score?
Cause if you’re not laughing,
Who is laughing now?
I’ve been wondering if we stop sinking,
Would we stand our ground?
And through everything we’ve learned,
We’ve finally come to terms.
We are the outsiders,
Oh we are the outsiders, x7

(On the outside,
You’re free to roam
On the outside
We found it home
On the outside
There’s more to see
On the outside
We choose to be)x2