Girl

Talk. I do this a lot. Think. I do this more. Sleep. I want this more but apparently not enough. Father, Your heavens are amazing and the beauty of everything. Tonight I wait on You to fill my heart. Continue to be my calm Lord in the midst of world and storm. Your breathtaking. I will trust You even when it hurts. I love knowing this Father and hope that I hold onto to the fact that You have it. Forgive me for putting too much into my own plans God and continue with palm face up and wide open. May I continue to fall in love with You and know I have no control. I love you.

Being a girl. Hmmmm....fun and yet each sex I am sure has their many pleasantries and issues. Tonight I was thinking of how much I just hold onto life. I went for a walk under the clouds, felt the wind brush against my skin. Was reminded of the blessing of touch. What it feels like just to curl up or sit tight and close against someone else. To feel their warmth, breathe them in, rest in their presence. To chase the wind and talk until the moon is deep into the night. To laugh until it hurts to breathe, and smile just because. Life is beautiful just as you have made it. Time. Time spent in the presence. Beautiful. May I always treasure the little things. Hugs, soft kisses, hands, cologne, arms, and precious words.

There is just so much in life to be thankful for and so much to be patient on. Nothing is worth moving too fast and loosing firsts. I cherish the firsts though there have been few. I am in longing Father of You and Your timing. I am in desperate need of You and still have a long way to go. Things Your working out in me and my character. Issues to deal with. The ways I feel imperfect. The ways I am always lost, always cold, can't spell. The ways I just want to be.

The way I want to look or act or be. The struggles that come with being girl. The heart that I must keep in check. The way you break me down and send me to my knees. The giving up and tears and physical heartbreaks. The patient longing not to trust too fast or give up the important firsts with someone. Worried about looking perfect and everyones standards. Makeup. Stylish clothes. The fact that I am loosing some tone in my abs but drawing closer to You. The money. I am trying to get out of debt and not be worried about keeping up. Just being me. Finding someone who loves me. Loves me when I am loud or happy. Loves me when I am wrong and passionately so. Loves me when I hurt, when I am stubborn, when I run, when I don't like me. In awe of You. That is where I stand. I cannot be perfect. Cannot fit the "girly" definition if they want me to look perfect. Does not want to Father but wants to be me and just be secure in that.

I like one on one times. Now, I can't. I feel lacking when I can't work out like I should. When I don't spend long enough with You. When I can't accomplish everything I want to do. When I don't wake up at 5 and curl my hair and cover my skin in makeup and wear dresses and heals and makeup and lots of perfume. I am simple. That has to be OK. May I not struggle in that. May I not hate the imperfections in my figure or the things I want to change. May I want what You want and trust that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. When I act naive. When I love too much too fast. When I run as fast as I can the other direction.

Your word is true and perfect and lovely to me. May I not conform myself or my thoughts. I love that I am playful and gentle when I choose. I like being stubborn sometimes....I love to take bubble baths and be cozy. I don't like showing off too much skin. I don't like having to worry about what a guy wants. I don't like having to feel like I have to protect myself from them. It gets so tiring all the time. I like to smile. I love to talk with someone who listens. With someone who talks. With someone who will share life and wants to be with me in it all. I really like one on one time. I am a time spender. Can't help but enjoy private moments and long nights as the shadows grown into early mornings. I can't help but want to be innocent.

I always want that. I want to be refined and purified...all the stuff that I have seen or heard. Things I have thought or done. May Your fire burn me. Burn it all. Thank You precious Lord. May I just be the girl You want to make me. The one who sees You. Holds fast to Your presence. Sits at Your feet and longs for Your voice. I love it. I need it. What other water fills my life? May I continue to rest. May I know that nothing I can do will ever force Your plan the directions I want it...or think I want it. I cling to You. I want to chase You. I want to honor You. May my love be real and tried and true. May I be passionate for You. To be conformed day by day. To know there are no reasons to panic. To breath You in. To trust You when it is good. To trust You when it hurts. May I be beautiful and on my knees before You Lord.