Plans

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

This is one of the few verses I still have memorized from my years attending Valley Christian. I think about plans and am constantly making plans all the time. I remember last year telling Zack's mom very clearly days before the San Francisco trip that I was not really a plan maker. I was misinformed and had a very unclear picture of myself. I can't tell you how many plans I make, how many I see to the end and how many I change completely.

Today I was testing something out to see how much time had an effect on me. It all began at work yesterday when I was discussing my watch. I have worn the same green watch which at one time was more of a bright green but is now looking a bit darker in color for approximately 14 months. This is not just your ordinary watch however, for this watch is a heart rate monitor, keeps track of calories, has an alarm (when I can remember how to set it), Lights up at the touch of a button giving a soft blue glow, and just happens to be in one of my favorite colors to wear. Oh, and did I mention the small floral design embedded in the plastic near the digital face. Oh, how I love that watch and I wear it face to the inside of my wrist on my left had so at any moment in time I can flip my hand face up and I know where I am at in the day. Yes, to this watch I am slightly attached though still very thankful it has not left a tan line on the nearly ivory tone in my skin.

Well, this watch was brought up in conversation just yesterday amidst my co-workers at the bank. The people I work with already get great enjoyment from the amount of planning my head does while on autopilot so this little watch which adds greatly to my moment by moment planning became the conversation piece. They can't fathom how I can think and give each and every day mental thought from the moment I wake until I have finally given up and completely run out of time. In fact, just to humor themselves, they will ask very random questions just to see if I have thought about that detail yet of the day. Here is how a typical morning goes for me.

Wake up. Push glow button on my watch (unless of course I have been awakened by the alarm of my phone). OK, so wake up on my own and push magic button to check the time. If it is between midnight and 3 I usually do not budge. Oh, and this does not happen often. If I am awake at that point I try to quickly decipher why I am awake or what it is that has woken me out of my sleep. Yes....sometimes it is my bladder calling (just the nature of being well hydrated, cleaning out toxins, and having a small bladder). If it is the bladder then between those hours and up until 3:45 a.m. I will crawl out from under the blanket and down the stairs. If it is anytime after that I will lay there knowing with little movement I can most certainly hold it. Oh, and any moment will get my brain thinking which is the reason I will just lay in bed if the time allows until morning. The less bodily movement the better the chance I will lay back down and go to sleep until the alarm with nothing to trigger my brain.

If it is thinking that woke me then blast that and I will probably be awake for awhile because my brain refuses to take a night off. Now, lets pretend in this situation I was awakened by the alarm. (Though, other such wakups are caused by a text message, a phone call, sometimes I just jump out of bed ready for life...or sometimes I forgot to do something) But, lets pretend it is your typical wake up to the alarm morning just for the sake of discussion. So, the alarm begins to sing and I grab for sounding object which sits on the chest next to my bed. This song is a very well planned out song. I don't like rough wake ups and so any song that wakes me in the morning must be a gentle one. Also, it cannot be a sound unless a very soft chime or maybe something like a glitter sound or it will startle me awake, my heart will begin racing, I will get a headache, and I Will feel sick to my stomach. So, back to the ringing. If I am too tired I know at the second that alarm begins at what time I set it for the previous evening. The time I set it is always different. Once the sounds starts my head immediately begins the morning debate.

Get up now or hit snooze? What do I have to accomplish today? What do I have to accomplish this morning? Do I want breakfast or just coffee? Where do I want coffee from? What type of food do I want? When did I shower? How is my hair? What time do I have to be to work? Do I want to listen to music and get on the computer or sleep 20 more minutes? What is my night like and will I go to the gym? If I go do I know what I will wear to the gym? Do I know what I want to wear to work? Do I have food made for lunch? The list begins and this is all in the first set of sounds from the alarm which I happen to know sings the my favorite part of the song "Down" by Jay Sean three times before it auto snoozes for 10 minutes. Sometimes I snooze it on my own but only if I feel like moving. I know if I move I have to punch the password into my phone and then hit snooze or I can just think and wait out the 3 chorus repeats.

OK. In some period of time I make it out of bed. I usually make a few minutes on the computer so I can begin the wake up process, see what has happened while I was sleeping and do a very brief email check. Facebook stays up while I blast some happy morning songs and eventually make it to either the shower or the kitchen. Then a quick status update, a little dance and jump into the clothes, strategic pinning of the curly, messy mane, deodorant, and out the door running with keys, at least 3 water bottles, gym clothes?, jeans if I am going out after and flip flops, and I am on the way.

Next coffee and then to work. I get nervous as I hit up my favorite Starbucks and I see the line. The line is longer then I would like it to be and now with only 25 minutes to get to work do I run inside or temp fate in the drive thru. Now, be good and get hot soy latte, or should I get and iced regular latte, or my favorite a chai, or maybe a mocha? Do I want coffee that is decaf or a chai with a little caffeine? Do I really want sugar this early? Do I want it iced or hot? I am trying to be good and still need to loose about 6 pounds I have gained since December along with another 25 pounds or so, so this will have some effect on my drink decision. Oh, and what am I eating the rest of the day and where am I going? Do I want sugar later instead? Do I have too many calories already planned into my day? How tired am I? And...the most often used factor in this decision is what time do I think I will go to lunch because that will effect how many calories I want to ingest before then. 11 a.m, 12, or 1, or maybe later....big gap in time causes me to order something and quickly because I am aware time is slipping away quickly.

OK good now we are thru the coffee of choice and the line and headed to work. I have had minor panic moments of getting trapped in the drive through and not making it to work but today went pretty smooth. So, off I go. I check the clock become a little nervous about the time. I began to cruise smoothly to work hoping to make it there with enough time to read through my audit questions. If the audit team is there however I will not have enough time to study and I hope I know the questions well enough. Now, I circle the bank with just enough time as my anxiety begins to build. I like to be early for work and the two lights and school zones I drove through were especially slow this morning. I zip into a spot and jump out ready to begin my day. I walk in and find my work station which depends on what side of the bank they need me at. As I head toward the vault I am wondering if my boss will be in a pleasant mood or an ugly one. Wonder if we will be busy?

Now, we are ready to begin the day. The drawer is set up and I am logged on. I have checked my bank accounts, my 401K which I want to put more money in. Well, it is down a bit but if I put in more money now it will probably go up. I also know that I need to save a lot for retirement as well as a house and get out of debt. Then, I think about debt and budgeting, I wonder where I am at as far as my goals in the bank. And...the customers begin after the morning huddle. Now, after the first hour and numerous customers I begin poking about asking questions about who is taking what lunch. Am I hungry? Not yet but I want to know how fast to finish my drink of choice so I will be hungry at lunch. If it is a late then I will nurse my drink for a few hours and if it is early then I may finish it quicker or put the rest in the fridge.

Now, once lunchtime is decided I start thinking about daily calories. What I will eat the rest of the day is timed just perfectly by what I have eating, what I have had to drink, if I am going to run, where I am going that evening. (Well, as long as I stick to the plan...I always have a plan but I am super flexible and do really well with changes...in fact I love changes and sometimes force them along. ) Well, lets say this day I am going to run (because I need to start training again for half marathon 2 in June). So, I have my lunch planned and it looks like I get the eleven today. Great! Now, I know what I am eating, what time my snack is because I know what time I am going to run guestimatly and also how long it takes me to digest. I also happen to know what shoes I have on at work based on the fact that I will be running later that evening and I have also worn my sports bra...just for the fact I can.

Next order of business. Back to work and the regular thinking that pops in my head. Other plans filter in and out and I wonder about life, my marathon, my week and all the crazy plans there, the month, the day....now work is finally finished. I wanted to go to the gym after work but that is not a good idea. Plan change one. Off to the house to eat and to sit on the computer for a bit. Then I get a phone call from a friend. This is good and I try to figure out how long I can talk based on how long I have decided to run. Tonight is a short run but I still need to hit five miles. It has been a couple weeks and I need to stretch and sit in the steam room after. I also want time to read my bible and then talk on skype for a couple minutes if I am still awake.

Oh, and so back to time. I decided today to take the watch off to see what it would do. Well, I was anxious every time that I looked down where that watch was supposed to be. I wwas not sad that it was gone...or was I? My anxiety was not the attachment kind. It was the lack of knowing the time even though I was off work. I had lots of plans and had to be checking the clock all day to make sure I was making it on time. Oh, brother. I met with my mentor today who thought the whole thing very entertaining. She is a very loving, gentle, and chill person which is why I do so well with her. She is such a blessing to me and one of the personalities I get along with so well...she is a nice calm for me.


So, there are a bazillion other details that filter into my day. Plans, plans, plans and the crazy way the shift. I like shifting with them. I also like making plans and go from one planned moment to the other in life. What then do I do when something or someone comes in that is unplanned? Sometimes I don't know what to do but I usually do something. I welcome most changes but each one has to shift something around in my schedule. It is then you will see where my priorities are because I have so much planned that if I make time for you it is in no way because I feel obligated. I spend time with the ones I love. I love to make plans with people and sometimes the rest gets left behind. People get put in my schedule as a priority. I also need to make God the focus and lately that is where I am at.

I know it is God who has proven to me step by step how much He loves me and how His plans are perfect. I see it. I know it . At the time I don't always like it. In fact it is at this moment Father I need to ask for Your forgiveness. There was a plan that came from something unplanned. I wanted it so bad and thought I knew what was going to happen or at least the general direction. I did not pursue Your answer but followed what I felt. I pushed in my own way "knowing" and feeling it was Your plan. When it fell through I was angry with the situation, I was angry with You. I was frustrated and hurt and sad and unsure. I had not sought You in it but only what I wanted. I don't know what Your plans were in it. I have learned quit a bit from it. I am still learning. Growing day by day may Your grace cover me.

I am making plans even now. Tomorrow I have an interview. I am working on debt. I am working on my passion and love for You. I am wondering about life. Planning my vacations and marathons, my weekend, my tomorrow, my family. You give me strength and change me by Your Spirit. May my plans be flexible. I am in most areas but when I want something SO bad I can't see anything else that thing has then become and idol. When I want someone I have a difficult time trusting You with my heart and that You work those situations out as is best for me. Other plans it is easy to give to You. I wish there was not a difference. Somethings in life I am so carefree and I know You have it. The job. I know You will put me where You want me. Right now that is easy for me though I have waited 3 years to make the decision. Other decisions I make in ten seconds. I bought a car based on a thirty second conversation. When it comes to my heart it is much more difficult.

It is funny because as much as I love being with the opposite sex I am making zero plans at this point. I don't know what You have in store but I am extremely standoffish at the moment. I am watching two friends fall in love and think it is sweet but running from that whole idea. I don't know what You want. I don't feel like I can want. I need to want You most. Until I do that....I don't know. I am simply waiting for You to allow someone to get my attention. I am going to work on other plans because love is something that cannot be planned. It is funny how crazy life is and how many directions it has gone. I see your protection. I know it. I can tell how You have kept me safe and kept me for You and most of me for a guy as well. I don't regret not going down any road. I have done nothing with a guy. I don't want to either if it is the wrong one. You have saved it God even when that was not my intention. May I continue to save all my firsts. Give me Your strength Father. Allow me to continue to say "No," until it is the guy I finally get to belong to.

I was thinking back to when I first became a believer today. A song came on that I will post after this note. I remember at that time being obsessed with love and feeling very alone. I was sitting in a coffee shop at a church I had been to one time. A guy walked up to the mike and began playing a song on guitar. I fell in love with that song. He sang it and that night I met Nick. Blue eyes, black hair, guitar. Fortunately even though I ended up having a bit of a crush on the boy later nothing ever happened there. Thank You for that. I do remember that night how amazing the lyrics to the song were. I had grew up in church my entire life. I listened to plenty of hymns and music between church and a Christian school. That song spoke to me. I had never believed a guy that I thought was super hot could be singing a love song about a God I was not sure existed. That song, was a step and a beginning. It was at that point in my life You began to stir in my heart. I want that love with You....I really, really do. You have my heart, it belongs to You, don't share it until it is Your perfect plan because I don't want to.

In the Secret

In the secret
In the quiet place
In the stillness You are there
In the secret
In the quiet hour I wait only for You
Cause, I want to know You more

Chorus:
I want to know You
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more
I want to touch You
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more

I am reaching for the highest goal
That I might receive the prize
Pressing onward
Pushing every hindrance aside
Out of my way
Cause, I want to know You more.