Anxiety

Dropped a sock down my stair, swept up my unbrushed hair (impossible to brush curly hair), listening to a Enter the Worship Circle song, closet color coordinated (can't help it), and trying to quiet down the anxiety. It is funny how many things in a day cause this stirring feeling of urgency within me. I just plan too much and am on the go all the time. Being quiet and sitting still are never possible because if my body is quiet then my mind and insides are stirring.

Today, I managed to relax enough after two trips out of the house. I was able to sit still for most of an entire movie and though seemingly very small accomplishment for others a huge step in the right direction for me. Now, I am anxious yet again because though only midway through the day I feel the time escaping quickly. Funny how much that effects my stomach and my insides but I literally feel the anxiousness inside me because of the list of things I have to do. The best part is to others these things are hardly pressing matters but to me...the are things I want to accomplish by the end of the day (or when I finally give up on staying awake). So, now beside the bazillion thoughts in my head I have a bookcase that is entirely disorganized and needs some cleaning, one to a couple hours of running to accomplish, the steam room and shower, a calendar to add some dates too, a bedroom floor that needs mopping and polishing, some dusting because the wind made my room a little extra dirty, a dinner to see, a missions application to finish, a phone call to make, one last load of laundry and then towels, furniture to polish, memories to go through, mail to go through, and...you catch the drift. This does not even include a prayer or QUIET time. And I wonder why it is so difficult to focus and listen to God. Spending time at His feet is so difficult because my mind is always listing off stuff to accomplish.

Good this is in some ways because it allows me to never be bord. Also, I tend to make plans but can be flexible to allow for more. I wanted to read a book today and to get to the cleaning but at this hour it is doubtful that will happen. I want to leave room for God to move and so I will keep my life busy and flexible. This year my only resolution is not to begin more things. Keep focused on the ones your doing unless your replacing but no more starting too many things. I am always ALWAYS seeking to learn things and trying to accomplish more and more. When I do accomplish something it is time to begin something else. So, when I get the urge to jump on 10 other things I have resolved to simply run. There is lots and lots of this to do before the next 1/2 marathon and I am hoping for a full by either Dec 5 or the January one here in Arizona.

Next on my list of things to do.... Continuing to work on my relationship with God. My mind should be as focused on Him and yet my thoughts distract. I was reading something in Exodus the other day about Moses and how he wanted to see God. He had a conversation with God that was very encouraging and once again a good reminder of what God does and how He works. We have also started reading a book in my small group called The Cross Centered Life. I am interested to see what I can learn in this book and my Pathways class (time 2 since I audited it the first time) begins soon so there will be opportunities up and coming.

God has been softening me and my relationship with my family lately. It is very difficult or more easily said they are difficult for me. It takes years and years for me to really love them and let my guard down. My guard is always up and it come out in how I treat them and my attitude. It is time I learn through this and God is allowing me to be different. I know only He can move here and I can't just make friends outside of my family or be embarrassed by them. This is so humbling and difficult for me. My family has never been part of my friends or guy circle so I get really uptight and uncomfortable. In fact sometimes just being in this house I get that way and yes I it comes out in my verbal responses to them. God, continue to make me more gentle and loving with them. I should not be the way I am and I cannot allow people judgement of my family...or my perceived judgement to affect how I respond. That...totally sinful. I don't let guys around my family and so few guys families do I really click with. There have been maybe one or two...maybe....

Thinking about family I am so thankful for the Drowns and the Wrights. So, what an interesting blessing that my two favorite people from my two favorite families are dating. I think the world of both of them but realize still how awkward I am with people and their family. Also, this situation teaches me so much about dating in a very funny way and I am just at the point I don't believe there is anyone really made for me. There are so many things I want and don't want and it never lines up and then I spend all my time exhausted because either I am on guard or I finally let my guard down and get hurt.

I spoke with Theresa about some of this today and only feel at liberty to post it all in a blog because I am almost certain no one reads this and even if they do what does it really matter? I am not shy or quiet about what I want or feel and so God made me to bring Him glory just how I am so I am going to be me. There is nothing wrong with being single and sometimes I am more thankful for it then not. There are frustrations in that and I am literally to the point of walking from it all. I did enjoy entertaining the thought of a particular gentleman this week but cut it short. I don't want to go down that road because it will just be harmful. I will just have to see what he does if anything though I can't say I did not enjoy him coming over to me on Tuesday night. The funny thing is that it was the same boy I spoke of in another blog who I had dinner with at camp one night. All I can say is that at least for now he has my attention. Not a clue if I will ever even talk to him again...in fact I just got his first name again. Ok, but moving on...

So, Theresa suggested I pray for my future hubby....(yes, I have before but I don't see one ever really working out at this point. For real...). So, I am trying now to take what I like about guy situations and what I really hated to try and discern what is important and what is just a preference.

Things I really don't love... well...lets not focus on those because I think I vent enough about what irritates me. So, things I at least think I want....I love guys who are easy to be with. Guys who are playful and will play with me not just assess me from a distance. I like touch and even as friends can't help but touch and naturally want to be very close physically with someone. I like dark hair and blue eyes though I know that is not the most important thing. Guitars....I like guys who know what they want and go for it. Guys who are gentle and sweet with me and I love any guy who will protect me especially when it is from themselves. I like movies and coffee and rain and jeans and flip flops and hoodies someone I can just hang with. I like sharing life. Love being able to share food (weird but I hate going to a restaurant and not being able to share). I like guys who like to do what I do just because I do it. Like guys who make it clear they are the guy. Like guys who make moves on me...in a confident way...when I like them. Guys who like to drive..oh and a sense of direction would be nice. Guys who pray and will pray with me and live out the gospel. I want someone with a clear heart for God who runs after God...who I can see the evidence of that. Someone who needs to talk and who can listen. A guy who I like being with his family and this is far and few between because this never happens. Guys who like animals and the outside and laying in grass and trees. Guys who like me clearly and can make decisions but won't force them. Guys who ask questions and like being with me. Guys who laugh and are easygoing. More and more I like guys with a purpose. Guys who like music...and the more and more I make this list the more I realize I don't know what I want because you can't put a person in words though it is supposed to be easy. I guess I don't know easy because someone always makes it difficult. It should be a known....

Now, all the irrelevance of all that is always up for change because with each guy that passes in and out of my life I learn more and more. I realize how much I like guys who stir up my feelings and who are compassionate and deep. I really need someone who I can connect mentally with...but who is to say what I want because I am always wrong and they never work out. They just get messy and God I don't want the mess. Not worth it. Or the heartache. Stings and sets me in a series of emotions. Stupid guys leading girls like me....stupid me for making the decisions I make....all in Your time and for Your glory. Can't turn the clock back but I can deal with the passing time. Forward and up we go out into Your world and Your plan. And...I am running out of precious time as we speak so it is time to go.