Delighting

Father, when my heart is bruised and weary may You teach me how to delight in You. I am sitting here looking forward to this evening but not the next guy on my list of non boyfriends. I am not interested and though he is a great guy and has everything going for him...I am just not there. I thought ignoring him to some extent would help. I thought not texting him back or writing on all his post or chatting a distance would make it clear. It is of course not and tonight I have two emails from him for plans for the weekend.

My heart is weary beyond belief and Father I beg You no more. I don't want to go down any road and at this point I don't want anyone near. Protect me Father like You promise. Your daughter is crying out and does not pretend to understand anymore and simply can't do it any longer. I don't want anymore. No more guys asking me to coffee or dates or hiking or whatever Father unless they are just friends or unless it is someone who is supposed to be more. I am tired and wounded and I just can't seem to stay out of these situations no matter how hard I try. I want out...no more...

God, what does it look like to only love You? What does it look like to not care about guys in that way and not be waiting on that? I don't understand why that desire is there if it is only a terrible and painful experience in my life. It is one after the other and it does not stop. Well, now it has to because I am not going down any guy led road or one of my own. I just want to be wrapped in Your arms and know. I want to get what it is Your forcing me to learn because this pain is suffocating.

It never works out. I go into every relationship expecting the end and the worst and every time that is how it happens. Somehow I still have that hope that the next one will work out or be different and then months later I am here again. It is up to You because I am taking time off and there will be no Yes's from me until You make it very , very clear. I want to honor You and if there is a future husband for me then him too. I can't hang onto these tragic relationships. Only one ended well and I am thankful for him. The rest are all the same...

May I know through this that I am a daughter of the King who eagerly awaits home. I think I may need to set a specific time frame in my life where no guy even the "right" guy or seeminly right guy would be allowed to do anything but be friends. I feel like I need to only focus on You and be extra gaurded and just love You. You alone can fill me and all this pain seems like a waiste of my heart and time. May I find my love and my delight in Your presence.

Your precious and holy and beautiful and it is You I breathe for. I delight in Your presence and before Your throne. Draw me continually to me knees and make my life clear. I can do the unknown but I can't do the fog. Maybe that is all You want. You demand my life and I so easily give it to others I love or care for or desire. May You work it out in me and may I see the situtions as You wish. I beg You Father that I hurt no one on my own journey and that I don't stumble through Your blessings and destroy them by my own sin. May I know Your continued peace and may You work in my heart.

I am here. I continue to ask You to help me to really and entirely surrender. No distraction to get in the way nor sin to steal me from You. I want You. All of You. I ache for it Father. Be the one whos thoughts fill my mind and may my love for You consume me. I need You so much. God...I am on my knees at Your feet begging You...Hold jme tight and help me give it all to You with my hands wide open.