Just You

Tonight my eyes still sting. I am such a happy and joyful person who loves life. I thank You for that Father. Why then am I so tough with such a soft heart? I don't get it. Tonight's words stung and so did the thoughts brought up by them. I can't stand this and fail to understand. The warm salty tears and the stinging feeling....

I turned away to run...literally. About a mile in I realized God how I run from everything. Anything that is painful...or anything that stings. God, please be my comfort and my strength and help me to find something worth sticking around for. May I not run from the things in my life right now but know YOU have them there as part of the plan. Your plan would fail be be so if I just always got my way. Why God right now do You allow me so much hurt and pain.

On one side I feel so stupid that I can't shake it. On the other I am embarrassed and frustrated and feel really weak but not in a good way. How is it with the amount of stuff I have gone through there is still a very weak spot in my heart. It continues to burn.

I get it that I still fail to get it. It may be months or years before I truly understand it. May I continue to seek and understand You Father. You alone are worthy of my love and You alone are in charge of my destiny. I just wish it did not hurt so bad. Perhaps if I quit running from You then it would not. I would not fail to see Your glory and feel Your overwhelming love.

I cannot believe how much I still run, how much I still plan. There are things in life that can't be planned. How much I did not realize I am a planner. So, where does Your plan take over and where does mine fit? Help me to stick around where You want me and not run from the uncomfortable. Help me not to run to others...I still fail You because I still don't understand true surrender to You. I lack that and You have made me so strong and STUBBORN. That can be a curse Lord though I know somehow You have made me to glorify You.

Delightfully full life has been. I have got to relinquish some control though as I am just seeing ugliness in my need for planning. Blah...I always have a plan...well.... There is some work stuff going on that I pray and beg You Lord to help me make the right decision when the time is right. I thank You for such a blessing and the wonderful things and opportunities You fill my life with. I am so enjoying people and things but loose so much time in a day.

On my face is where I belong Lord at Your feet. I am so stubborn that I need You to help me desire You more and more. It seems so hard to be there. To just be with You. I need that and want that more and more. Thank You for the wonderful friends, for the ability to run. Thank You for the beauty in the sky Lord. I fail to see so much beauty anywhere else then in the big puffy clouds, the light and darkness of the sky, the moon and the stars. They are breathtaking Father as are You as well.
Thank You Father for music that brings me chills and fills me with more emotions then I know how to describe. Thank You for gentleness and protectiveness. Thank You for touch and love.

May I just chase You now Father. That is all I want. Don't allow anyone or anthing to distract. Just You, only You it has to be about You. Father...You Alone.