Ruminants of mascara under my eyes creating a soft outline. Movies both watched and returned. Drive in the dark. Window down, music loud and first ponytail of the week other then the gym. Jeans that are a size too big. Stripped hoodie. Lots of ideas and thoughts circling my head. Tonight's feelings take over when I am trying to make my heart obey my head. Maybe it is just that week of the month where my emotions dominate more then usual. Or...maybe not. Mixture of sin. Changes.
Replaying conversations and memories in my head. Things I wanted and those I did not. Moments of embarrassment. Moments of fun. Moments of pain. Things I never wanted to let go of but did not and do not have a choice. Guys. Thinking there is no longer a reason to wait for anyone. Wonders why the compliments from guys at work mean nothing though sometimes it is nice to know someone cares. Hates when my thoughts wander and I begin to enjoy the attention. Wonders about my Opthamologist as he may be a Christian with some of the things he said. Wonders why he can tell me as a Dr. how beautiful my eyes are. Wonders why I can't just be best friends with a guy and marry or date one of them. Wonders why I act cold and standoffish with men.
Thinking about girl movies. They seem to be unhealthy. They seem to create very unreal expectations of love and stir up emotions that should not be yet. Maybe I need a girl movie sabbatical. More gym time sounds good. Why is it the only guy devoted to me seems to be the one I will not date? I can get text and phone calls and he is coming to San Diego to see me run the marathon. He...is my brother. Wonders why no matter how much I like a guy it never seems to work out. I feel like I need to give them less grace and wait less on them. If they don't want me...move on. My life goes way too fast and yet some things are so slow.
I keep thinking about all the unrealistic expectations I build up in my head for guys to live up to. I don't like the expectations they put on me but these girl songs and movies don't help one bit. I want a guy to.... the list goes on. How do I know? When I run, I want someone to love me enough to go after me. They don't. I feel like all girls want that. We want the hero and the guy who will fight for us and come after us when we leave. Maybe that only exists in movies. I don't know. I hate that I can be so wrong and completely not understand. I try.
I am told things should be easy. What does that mean? What if you find someone you love being with and who you have never found anyone else like? What if sometimes it is easy and other times it stinks? I am told if it does not happen fast or he does not chase me then move on. Told he should initiate everything. Told there is someone better...always....It is not easy to find someone you WANT to be your best friend. Some guys seem so perfect on paper. I don't like them. Other guys not so perfect on paper but...I don't care. I am not perfect on paper and I don't want to be. It is not paper I want. Tonight, I just want to give up on it all. I am tired of it.
It is so hard to feel like everything I am waiting for is worth it. I don't want to build it up in my head or sin but I do both. I want to know there is someone worth waiting for...however I cannot stand still and wait around for something that may never be. There are so many things I want to say. I don't want to do life alone but I am not sure I have a choice. Is just weak right now. Feeling a little sad right now but trying to trust God. It is going to be difficult in a relationship or out because either way there are trials and hardship.
I need to stop looking for a balance in a guy. I know I need Christ for that. If I think I need a guy to balance me...it will never be right. I don't know what I really want but I have ideas. I don't know what I should do. Life is not a fairytale. I asked a friend the other day about how guys think. I was more or less telling him what I did not understand. There is so little. It is crazy how different our minds work. The same situation from entirely different views. I don't understand. It hurts sometimes. It hurts even more when some guys can just walk out of your life and it appears like they never even cared about you at all. It really hurts when guys don't care enough to keep you in their life. When they don't put in any effort then it proves how little you mean...or that is what it feels like. Then you wonder why you didn't mean anything or why your not worth holding onto. Then you sit and have to just wait. Wait to get hurt again. Yet, you go into every relationship positively even though you expect your heart to get broken. Ha ha....blasted positive outlook on life.
I guess that is still a blessing. Yet I go so fast. I fall into everything so fast. I can fall out fast too if the other side lets me go. I hate girls emotions especially one week of the month... : ) I can laugh at myself as well though. I like the simple. I like the idealized. I like the beauty in life. I love the music I have on. I like that I think like a girl. I like guys and their testosterone. Wait...not sure how that sounds. There is something very attractive about guys.
I can't help but love hugs. I love the simple. I just really like being with someone. I love the smell of guy cologne or sometimes even the deodorant they wear. The way they act protective. I love gentle protectors. I think sometimes I continue to choose danger partially because I am waiting for someone to care. Sometimes that is just my personality too. Few people exist who I will really match well. It is really hard to find. That...keeps me so disinterested in men though I like the idea. Mostly. So...now I guess I just have to hang until I catch a guys eye. I think that is how the saying goes.
I really like being girly. It is difficult for me to want to be girly without having a guy I want to look nice for. I don't like unmerited attention. I want to look more perfect but... I like wearing makeup sometimes. I like the glitter and perfume and stiletto heals. The skirts and lip gloss and cute hair. But...I like guys who like me both ways. I don't want to ever be required to be anything other then natural. I love smells. I am so weird about scent that I won't share with other girls. I want a guy to remember only me when he smells that scent. I have specific shampoo and conditioner, sometimes a hair gloss, perfume, lotions. I need to get some sleep. I needed to get some of this off my mind. I needed to vent....to no one.
Saturday, March 06, 2010
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Waiting
Two nights of incredible encouragement, a day off to just be, and a new job position bring me into the first week of March. Today's activities will include spin class which I have already finished and followed with a vanilla latte from Cartel, a shopping trip to Walgreens, two Redbox movies, email checked, facebook updated, first load of laundry begun, breakfast made and now after being awake 5 hours I am onto the next chapter of accomplishments which include but are not limited to this blog, laundry, room deep cleaning, car deep cleaning and wash, shoe shopping?, bathroom toiletries organization?, watch 2012 as well as The Time Travelers Wife, create running schedule and Ipod running lists, cooking for week, and hopefully a nap and at least a five mile run. Now, you see why I had to begin the day at 4:15? And...I love it!
I was so encouraged by something we went through the other night at Seven:ten that I wanted to share it with myself. We are actually going through James right now and somehow we were reminded of a verse in Genesis. I love it when God meets you exactly where you are at and allows you to hear exactly what you need. This, was exactly that....Genesis 22:12 ....for now I know that you fear God.... The entire verse is actually "He said, "Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me." Now, there is lots of background into this situation of course and that is what makes it so true and detrimental to understand.
Abraham was Abram and his wife was Sarai who would become Sarah, and through them was promised a lineage of offspring as numerous as the stars. God, made a covenant and a promise with Abraham and initially Abraham believed. However, just like we all do at times Abraham and Sarah remembered Gods promise and believed it to be true...in a sense. They knew it, but they also took on the belief that it would only happen if they took things into their own hands. Ug. Welcome to my life. Patience, I have little even with God. It is funny because things on my time and my schedule do not have diving intelligence and plan behind them but have a temporary satisfaction to them. God however sees the entire puzzle not just bits and pieces here and there. So, the waiting is what is necessary for step one but that is not where it ends. That...is only the beginning.
Abraham and Sarah decided they would cause God's plan because obviously He must need their help. I also understand that mindset. How often do I think I need to be active in God's plan? Yes, the creator and sustainer of all things here and there and past and present and everything in between most certainly must need my help because how else will I get what I want? Yep...you got it...I am focused again on the I, and the want. Pair that with impatience and you have a big mess of a person. I don't see the bigger picture and in those moments I am focused on filling my own need with the things I think will fill it. So, Abraham and Sarah were the same and they decided that they were not having children so it was time to reproduce the line through the female servant. Sin comes into the picture here. God allows us to sin, allows us to deal with the consequences on the earthly level even though there is forgiveness. We can't change them or take them back. Nor, do we have any power or ability to thwart God's real plan. If we think we do...then we are given ourself the power again. Yes...I am absolutely and positively in this boat as well. When I think something is God's plan at times I will even sin in order to make it happen. Really? I would love to know how my mind can possibly ever justify sin especially to make God's plan happen. That is totally counter Biblical. Yet...I still do it. There are moments I will do everything I can to try and make something happen. I can convince, manipulate, push, run, and do everything in my power to make it work. Sin. Entirely and totally sin.
So, Sarah and Abraham take things into their own hands and they do in fact have a child or better stated Abraham has a child with Hagar. This child was offspring but not the promised line because he was not from Sarah and Abraham. This sin created issues that were not necessary and all because of a lack of trust, an attempt at control, and a disbelief. So, God waited until Sarah was already very old and beyond child birthing years and then He spoke to Abraham. He told Abraham that him and Sarah would have a child by that time next year. Once again, they were finally forced to learn patience, and to wait but now they had a difficult time believing this was possible. We limit our minds to what we could do or accomplish and put God's power in the same place and box as ours. Sarah in fact laughed and so when Isaac was born they gave him the name that means he laughed...what a reminder of God's power, love, promise and timing.
The story does not end there but I am getting to my point. All of this is such a perfect reminder of where God has me but even more the part that is to come. Abraham and Sarah finally have their son and the promise they have waited so long for God to fulfill. They do not know what He had in store but they know He finally gave what they had given up hope on. Then about the time Isaac was probably in his late teens or early twenties God tested Abraham. Genesis 22:2 He said, "Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you." By this time in the story we see how much Abraham has grown and the expectation God has for us. Abraham and Sarah waited what I am sure seemed like eternity for their son Isaac and now God is asking Abraham to sacrifice him.
Abraham was obedient though I am sure his faith had grown immensily by this point in his life. He prepares to take Isaac with him and follow through with God's command. He has to completely trust God at this point because God told him the line would continue and be as numerous as the stars and Isaac is to fulfill that promise. You have to wonder how he thought God would accomplish this when he is asking him to make Isaac the sacrifice. We see his character by his obedience. Isaac follows along without knowing the plan. He I am sure was wondering what his father would be offering. Then, we see Genesis 22:7-8 And Isaac said to his father Abraham, "My father!" And he said, "Here am I, my son." He said, "Behold, the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?" Abraham said, "God will provide for himself the lamb for a burnt offering, my son." So they went both of them together. Abraham is now teaching Isaac as well as you and me about God in a huge way here plus once again we see his absolute trust. It gets to the point of the sacrifice and he prepares Isaac. He is ready to follow through and right before he stabs and kills his son we see God intervene. Genesis 22:11-12 But the angel of the LORD called to him from heaven and said, "Abraham, Abraham!" And he said, "Here am I." 12He said, "Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me."
Now I know that you fear God. And what did that take? Knowing God's power, trusting His promise and giving Him the most treasured thing. It would be so difficult waiting on something so long and then be willing to give it over to God. I feel like that is exactly where I am at. That entire story. I don't know if God finally gave me that thing I so long for that I would be so willing to give it back. Perhaps that is what I am having to learn now even before He gives it. If I can't open handedly give something to God before He even gives it to me how ever will I do that once I actually have it? I cannot believe how much I needed this story and the reminder of everything in it. I am so encouraged and convicted and just very, very thankful that God has not allowed me to make too much of a mess of things when I try to take life into my own hands. I pray now I just wait patiently for Him to move. Exceedingly difficult but more worth it then it feels.
I was so encouraged by something we went through the other night at Seven:ten that I wanted to share it with myself. We are actually going through James right now and somehow we were reminded of a verse in Genesis. I love it when God meets you exactly where you are at and allows you to hear exactly what you need. This, was exactly that....Genesis 22:12 ....for now I know that you fear God.... The entire verse is actually "He said, "Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me." Now, there is lots of background into this situation of course and that is what makes it so true and detrimental to understand.
Abraham was Abram and his wife was Sarai who would become Sarah, and through them was promised a lineage of offspring as numerous as the stars. God, made a covenant and a promise with Abraham and initially Abraham believed. However, just like we all do at times Abraham and Sarah remembered Gods promise and believed it to be true...in a sense. They knew it, but they also took on the belief that it would only happen if they took things into their own hands. Ug. Welcome to my life. Patience, I have little even with God. It is funny because things on my time and my schedule do not have diving intelligence and plan behind them but have a temporary satisfaction to them. God however sees the entire puzzle not just bits and pieces here and there. So, the waiting is what is necessary for step one but that is not where it ends. That...is only the beginning.
Abraham and Sarah decided they would cause God's plan because obviously He must need their help. I also understand that mindset. How often do I think I need to be active in God's plan? Yes, the creator and sustainer of all things here and there and past and present and everything in between most certainly must need my help because how else will I get what I want? Yep...you got it...I am focused again on the I, and the want. Pair that with impatience and you have a big mess of a person. I don't see the bigger picture and in those moments I am focused on filling my own need with the things I think will fill it. So, Abraham and Sarah were the same and they decided that they were not having children so it was time to reproduce the line through the female servant. Sin comes into the picture here. God allows us to sin, allows us to deal with the consequences on the earthly level even though there is forgiveness. We can't change them or take them back. Nor, do we have any power or ability to thwart God's real plan. If we think we do...then we are given ourself the power again. Yes...I am absolutely and positively in this boat as well. When I think something is God's plan at times I will even sin in order to make it happen. Really? I would love to know how my mind can possibly ever justify sin especially to make God's plan happen. That is totally counter Biblical. Yet...I still do it. There are moments I will do everything I can to try and make something happen. I can convince, manipulate, push, run, and do everything in my power to make it work. Sin. Entirely and totally sin.
So, Sarah and Abraham take things into their own hands and they do in fact have a child or better stated Abraham has a child with Hagar. This child was offspring but not the promised line because he was not from Sarah and Abraham. This sin created issues that were not necessary and all because of a lack of trust, an attempt at control, and a disbelief. So, God waited until Sarah was already very old and beyond child birthing years and then He spoke to Abraham. He told Abraham that him and Sarah would have a child by that time next year. Once again, they were finally forced to learn patience, and to wait but now they had a difficult time believing this was possible. We limit our minds to what we could do or accomplish and put God's power in the same place and box as ours. Sarah in fact laughed and so when Isaac was born they gave him the name that means he laughed...what a reminder of God's power, love, promise and timing.
The story does not end there but I am getting to my point. All of this is such a perfect reminder of where God has me but even more the part that is to come. Abraham and Sarah finally have their son and the promise they have waited so long for God to fulfill. They do not know what He had in store but they know He finally gave what they had given up hope on. Then about the time Isaac was probably in his late teens or early twenties God tested Abraham. Genesis 22:2 He said, "Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you." By this time in the story we see how much Abraham has grown and the expectation God has for us. Abraham and Sarah waited what I am sure seemed like eternity for their son Isaac and now God is asking Abraham to sacrifice him.
Abraham was obedient though I am sure his faith had grown immensily by this point in his life. He prepares to take Isaac with him and follow through with God's command. He has to completely trust God at this point because God told him the line would continue and be as numerous as the stars and Isaac is to fulfill that promise. You have to wonder how he thought God would accomplish this when he is asking him to make Isaac the sacrifice. We see his character by his obedience. Isaac follows along without knowing the plan. He I am sure was wondering what his father would be offering. Then, we see Genesis 22:7-8 And Isaac said to his father Abraham, "My father!" And he said, "Here am I, my son." He said, "Behold, the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?" Abraham said, "God will provide for himself the lamb for a burnt offering, my son." So they went both of them together. Abraham is now teaching Isaac as well as you and me about God in a huge way here plus once again we see his absolute trust. It gets to the point of the sacrifice and he prepares Isaac. He is ready to follow through and right before he stabs and kills his son we see God intervene. Genesis 22:11-12 But the angel of the LORD called to him from heaven and said, "Abraham, Abraham!" And he said, "Here am I." 12He said, "Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me."
Now I know that you fear God. And what did that take? Knowing God's power, trusting His promise and giving Him the most treasured thing. It would be so difficult waiting on something so long and then be willing to give it over to God. I feel like that is exactly where I am at. That entire story. I don't know if God finally gave me that thing I so long for that I would be so willing to give it back. Perhaps that is what I am having to learn now even before He gives it. If I can't open handedly give something to God before He even gives it to me how ever will I do that once I actually have it? I cannot believe how much I needed this story and the reminder of everything in it. I am so encouraged and convicted and just very, very thankful that God has not allowed me to make too much of a mess of things when I try to take life into my own hands. I pray now I just wait patiently for Him to move. Exceedingly difficult but more worth it then it feels.
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