Capable of but best for?

Today and the last few weeks I am back to realizing somethings in my life that are good but distract from the great. I am unwilling to let go and give up but in doing so fail to trust and try to pick up the pieces on my own. It has to be more then words but it is the words that circle in my head and keep my actions cold. I move swiftly in and out seeking out exactly what I deem worthy of my love and my time. The focus shift is dangerous and I so passionatly pursue with everything until that moment when I come into focus and then I quickly let go trying to run the other direction just as fast as I climbed in.

Tonights thought trap is school. Completely capable and yet completely stressed when I am in the dreadful thing. The worst part about school for me is that I know I can and I know that I am good at it. Sounds great and not terrible I am sure. However, with that said I am not doing school to glorify God. In fact, whenever I am in school I fail to even notice my Savior for my focus is directed on making myself exactly who I "should" be and not who I want to be. Somehow, I feel it makes me of more value and more knowledgable and in the end is a way for me to be in control of my own life. Life for me is so much more then this and my walk is seriously effected everytime I am in classes. How do I so quickly trade God for this?

I sit tonight just as I have many other times wondering why I cannot pursue and love both? Why can I not love You in the midst and why does it become too much to bare?Forgive me for giving up on You so easily chasing the worlds dream and failing to trust in Your plan. If something is this difficult what should I do with it? I keep holding on and keep pursuing "knowing" it is best but it has proven over and over that it fails and I quit on it and loose all the things you have made me for. I chase and chase the emptiness and labor in vain and none of it is for the kingdom but only for my selfish self. May You stir my direction and my heart and give me direction. Maybe now is not the time and maybe there never will be.

I am leaving the page tonight with one tidbit I learned from my economics class. Even things that are free, still have a cost to them. There is the time spent in doing the item and for me to work as much as I do and also do school I have to give up everything else...and in doing so I give up my relationship with God as well. Tonight, I am just going to pursue answers...I don't want to take on something else I am going to quit or that causes me to be unlike who You want me to be. I don't want to believe the world telling me I have to be this way or that way in order to be loved or valuable. I don't know if I can do this for three more years in fact I know I cannot. That should be my answer but this stubborn girl keeps trying to make stuff fit that is just not meant to.

I am not made for anything other then You and all You ask is my life in return. Father, forgive me for giving up the ministry I love and the ways You have gifted me in return for something that is of little kingdom value. May You show me what You want me to be and for now may I be willing to give it so easily. I give it to You Father and I let it go. The things I hope and dream belong to You.

Blinding

Confusing is so blinding and painful. There is so much I don't understand and so much I am no longer sure if I want to . In protection mode is the home I cling to. I seem to wear my heart on my sleeve. In all this I try to see what God wants and what his plan is. I wonder if the situations reality is ever that which it seems. The way I feel when the bible tells me how deceitful my own heart is. I wish then it did not have so much sway over my actions.

It was only days ago I was realizing that God gives me that which I do not deserve already. For that I am not grateful enough or thankful enough. I do not thank Him in the difficult times but those are the only times I really see Him and see myself. I cannot believe how much my heart feels. It seems so often that there is little I can do but there is a physical feeling in my chest that is overwhelming at times. When I do feel I tend to have some very intense and difficult emotions and they seem to bombard me and I tend to be unable to know how to deal with them.

As life teaches me, molds me, refines me I sit awaiting what is next. The difficulty causes a deep growth that is unsettling but completely necessary. I give up trying to understand because I can make up so many reasons and so many regrets. I wish it were easier to break me down at this point because God hits so many areas at one time. It is a continually bombarsion when things seem to be going fine that finally draws me tight to Him looking for comfort. Sometimes finding and sometimes still seeking it. Strength worries me because though it is necessary I don't want to have to be made stronger.

So, I hope for now I can just rest and not be blinded by the confusion in my heart and emotions. My trust has been tested and is wavering. In fact, at this point I don't want to move another direction. I will simple try and fight and enjoy what God has in my life...and the things He takes out knowing there is a plan for everything that happens. But...needing Him to capture my heart first and foremost as I so easily try and give it away to far lesser things. Father, may I just have understanding and know what You want and what You ask of me. I am trying to figure it out and just to find You. You are so precious and so amazing and may I know that and not stray...I feel tested for the source of my joy. And, the world is watching. I know that life is not about the knowing or even the answers but about the journey to them and the responses I give. That...is the point....

Such a beautiful and painful place He has me...but....a completely necessary one. It is when nothing else satisfies that I find and cling to Him. I am thankful for the days but aware that I never stay. I am thankful I enjoy life so much but am at the realization that it is not always in the joyful times I run to Him...for me to run to my Father it will be through pain...the few and far between but really deep moments in my heart. May I trust. May I run. May I seek on my face before Him.

Pocket Full Of Rocks song
"Alive"

There was a time I was dead inside.
You'd call my name and I'd try to hide.
My heart was dark and so full of shame,
Full of shame.
But like the dawning of a brand new day
Your love has chased my shame away.
How amazing, now I hear You singing over me!
Over me!

Lively, I sing
Lively, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world knows the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive, I'm alive!

Well, every day I find Your mercy new.
And every moment that I spend with You
I am overwhelmed by Grace I can't keep to myself!
To myself!

Lively, I sing
Lively, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world knows the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive, I'm alive!

Lively, I sing
Lively, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world knows the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive, I'm alive!

Out of my sorrow, out of my night,
You called me into Glorious Light.
Where all of the lost, lonely and broken
Find Your Light.
Shine Your Light.

Lively, I sing
Lively, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world knows the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive

Lively, I sing
Lively, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive, I'm alive! Yeah,
I'm alive, I'm alive, yeah!