I know I really should have waited a few more days before attempting to get on the computer and blog. However, there is a very specific reason that I decided to do it even though I am very sleepy. Through my blog I have an opportunity to share Christ with certain people and so therefore will take the opportunity while it is in front of me. I spent much of my time this month away in California for summer camp and in Caborca for a mission trip. God spent a ton of time really working on sanding me down and sifting me. Oh, gosh it can be so hard but I am extremely blessed and more thankful then you can probably imagine.
It all began around two blogs ago when I would be leaving for California as a Junior High Staff leader at my church. My group was pretty new to me and so I was excited to spend some time on the bus ride getting to know them. I always come to camp hoping to serve but also keeping open to learning as we all know I will always have work that God needs to do on me. That is why I consider myself a work in progress at all times. (You should be thanking God for this right now) Before leaving for camp I had been given a specific project from a friend of mine to get her niece in my group. Her niece was not a believer and so I was going to spend some time with her at camp really finding out what she was about. This, began on the bus ride there as she was in the seat next to me.
The next six hours or so were spent in basic conversations just trying to figure her out. It was so neat to see how it all worked out and just to spend some moments with my girls before the week really began. Finally we arrived at Point Loma and we found our rooms. My new project, was also to be my room mate for the week which could really go in either direction from her perspective as she was going to be the only student that had to room with a leader. (I would have been scared but she seemed OK with the idea) The week began with an awesome kick-off as I had so many opportunities to hang out with the girls.
Saturday morning I had spent breakfast with my girls and at first I was a bit discouraged. I wanted them so badly to know Christ and to help them grow in a relationship with God but didn't at first glance know if they even knew Him. I spent breakfast encouraging them to try and find time to spend in devotion but they seemed more interested in playing a game I had taught them or cards. This dishearten me a bit and needing to seek the Lord as well as be a good example I went to my room to spend some time quietly before God. I left more door open a bit just so I could stay aware of what was going on and I began to pray. I asked God for help, for answers, for encouragement and knowledge to know what to do with the girls. Then a few minutes later when I was reading a devotional book I heard sounds from the room across from me. I began to focus on the sounds and heard the girls discussion the Word. They were going through scripture and Tim's last message before camp. Ecstatic I jumped up to get in on the conversation.
I asked them if I could join in and just listen and they said they would love it. I let them talk and listened for awhile. I was then able to direct them to some scriptures that related to their conversation and was able to ask them questions about it. They were excited to read and answer and then we were able to turn the conversation to some practical life stuff. About an hour later we were finished and I was so excited and encouraged to see where they were at and that they do know and love Jesus. Also, it was an opportunity to just chat in a laid back setting and watch as my "project" as I will lovingly call her here sat and listened. The girls thanked me and told me how encouraged they were and that got me jazzed for the next couple days.
Summer camp was amazing and I really got to know the girls (18 of them and two other co-leaders) and spent some time allowing God to work on my heart as well. Sunday night, we always have time in communion. It is a very reflective night spent with some time preparing. Let me prepare you a bit here. Weeks before this night I had told you I had a chat that I needed to have with the Paasch's, my "surrogate" family. That week God had begun to break down some barriers in my heart and allow me to lean a bit harder on Him rather then following my emotions. (Very difficult as I am a girl) Then, summer camp came and there was much going on in my mind. So communion Sunday I sat with my girls in the seats and prayed.
God reveals His character in many different ways and suddenly a truth hit me. Tears flowed down my face as I realized the truth of sin. Well, specific sin. I know that Christ died for my sins on the cross and that if I repent of them and follow Him taking up my cross and fighting to win the race, my salvation is secure. However, I realized there were parts in my life I was following a moral standard on and not realizing the impact of the sin toward God not just others. Let me give you an example though this does not exclude many other areas-this one is just one of the clearer ways of explaining. Let's say I try desperately to hold extremely tightly to standards of purity in relationships. So, I have decided not to do anything until I am married and that flows into many specific areas of life all relating to purity. Why do I hold to these standards? Well, for the reasons outlined in the Bible, for wisdom, and for the person I am going to marry. Seems fine right? Not when I take a closer look into the situation. It seems there are sins that I steer clear from not to honor God, but to honor His word, or in this case my future husband. That sound like something simple I should have had a grasp on I know but for some reason it was lacking. So then if I would stumble I would think well that is not honoring your husband rather then that is not honoring and bringing glory to your Lord and Savior. Besides, He is the one that gives the constant strength and constant forgiveness. So even though any sin I commit will have some type of earthly consequences as well as affecting people around me, I am sinning against a holy and perfect God and must never forget that. That night and through the week several of my girls became believers. Praise God for one miracle after another.
That was Sunday night and the next night we were spending the day at Sea World. This was a time of fun and fellowship and ended with a very pensive night at the Greek style amphitheater which overlooked the ocean. They gave us each a glowstick and reminded us to keep it down and quiet. I helped set up and hand out glowsticks and when it began, I sat under the shade created by a tree in front of a streetlight at the very top of the hill. The screen scrolled down as we were given a reflection of the week and all we had learned. Yet again, God revealed more sin in my life and heart. Tears again welled up in my eyes and began to pour out. I sat in silence and thought and watched and prayed. I struggle so much with my family. Big time. I want so much for them to know God and the joy a heart filled with Him has but don't often live out a great example in front of them. In fact too often I live out a bad example where I seem to love everyone else first. I was reminded of how often I don't love all of them and how sinful that is. It was not that I didn't try, it is in fact because I tried to do the whole thing on my own strength and apart from God. I then was hit so hard by the fact that I let my own stubbornness and pride get in the way of my love and sharing the gospel with them. This was a terrible truth that really broke my heart that night for really the first time.
We arrived back from camp Tuesday and there was two days of work and tons of planning yet before leaving for Caborca. The night after we got back I had to meet with Mike and help finish plans and run the last meeting before we would leave for a week. There was something else on my mind that God had brought to my attention at camp. There was something I needed to speak with Lynne about and He also brought the opportunity for me to do it. I needed to apologize for some things and just spend some time chatting. There were some things on my mind I needed to get out before I spend a week focused on something else. We had an awesome conversation following the meeting and she just gave me some advice on things. I am so thankful for her and the rest of the family as they continually point me to Christ and help me to get there. She ended telling me she just wanted me to "pursue Christ" and I told her I really, really was and that He is my priority.
Friday morning arrived and we were headed to Caborca. There was much to do little did I know what God would do with me. This was my fourth trip to Caborca to share the gospel and so I looked forward to the journey. I knew what to expect or at least what I expected and was extremely comfortable in the situation. It usually takes me a day or two before I really get into gear and so I focused on preparing for the week. I learned after a couple days that I was really having problems. It's not that I was distracted as I did not want to be home, I was not unhappy and I had no one there distracting me. I had not a clue what the issue was but really felt it. I spent time with God seeking answers and asking for a change. My passion was really lacking and though I was serving out of love and obedience something was missing. I sought God many times just asking Him to move. Finally on Tuesday night after being there since Friday I saw a change.
Every day we had plans for ministry and when we were not filling our time with that we were preparing for the camps. I was in charge of any looses ends as well as the children's ministry program. We finished with the children and my lack of zeal was really getting to me. I had even prayed the last couple days for a renewed passion in prayer as even that was lacking. So, I went to look for something to do and decided I would join Hannah M. in prayer for the evening. We chatted for a moment before we began. Then, moments after I started to pray I began to cry. I was literally crying out to God and just begging Him to move.
He made me realize so many things and I had one of the best times I have ever had in prayer. We spent all but fifteen minutes of two hours in prayer and it was amazing. God moved my heart so much that night that I literally teared up for most of the two hours. It was so cool because when I was finished I was literally weary from prayer...that is a first. My eyes look rather like fish eyes as they were very puffy and red and I emerged from the dark, hot, room in the back of the RV. God had moved in amazing ways outside in the camp and answered so many prayers. That night we gave away more then half of the tapes we had brought with us and in one night. God, had answered my prayer as well and allowed me to come back to that place of prayer with Him. You know what I mean, the place where your so happy and content that you don't want to open your eyes. You simple want to stay there forever.
We shared the gospel with so many thirsty people all week long. I love sharing the gospel but can at times be discouraged by the language barrier. We gave out many Bibles and prayed and fellowshiped all week. We also spent time as our friends from Heromosilla joined us from day one till the end. Their love for their people and their sacrifices encouraged me and stired me up. The way they love, the way they serve, and the way that they reach out is such a display case for Christ. This week we had two teams united with a passion for the Word of God. Many blessings and prayers were answered for each one of us as we can not possibly come back unchanged.
That was the beginging of many things going on but I just have to tell you that the entire week felt like a battle for me. It was so very difficult and I had to fight the entire time and just go before God and beg. The trip was so great regardless and so many things happened. We had of course many silly moments, and ones that I will never stop laughing about. One in particular is regarding bugs. Caborca is a little warm and so sleeping on floor in a room with no air can at times be challenging. However, God absolutely blessed us with keeping it a bit cooler-or at least that is what it felt like. Then, there is the situation of the creepy crawlies. I do not know why I am so afraid of bugs but I am. Therefore, I brought a very large can of bug spray. Every night I would spray down the window sills, the floor around my sleeping bag, the wall around my sleeping bag, and yours truly. I had Sarah doing the same thing and for the first couple nights there was a cloud so thick I do not think a bug would come within miles of it. Then, the must have stopped caring and decided one night to rebel.
As I said before it was rather hot in the rooms and so we pretty much slept on top of our sleeping bags in shorts with a sheet if needed. So on this particular night I was very tired and crashed immediately after laying down. All of a sudden I thought I felt something on my leg and awoke from a dead sleep leaping into bed with Megan. Just for the record I had warned her not to sleep that close to me as I have a tendency to gravitate toward people...especially when something startles me. So I about leapt on top of her and woke here up. She asked what happened and said she thought something had touched her leg as well. We decided to go to sleep. We were out again within moments. Then, I was again startled awake from a very deep sleep by something on my arm and I could still feel it so I flipped it off. I turned to see what it was as I had been a bit jumpy thinking about bugs all week. It was a roach and it was now hiding under Megan's arm inches from me. I tried to wake her up but it was not working and I could see it. Then I screamed "roach" and both her and Sarah leapt up out of bed.
So I then calmed down and crawled onto the blow-up mattress with Sarah. I decided to sleep under my sheet as I had just about enough bugs for one night. An hour later we were heard screams in the room next door as a centipede had crawled into bed with Mili. That was enough no more. Sarah and I slept in the top bunk of the RV for the rest of the week.
God moved in me, in his people and through this week. I am so excited and encouraged even though life is not always simple. I am thankful He has called me to be one of His. That is amazing! Our God is so good and continues to show me how big, how deep and how wide. I can't wait to see Him and spend eternity with Him. Meanwhile He is working on me here and I will keep trying to run toward Him.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
prayer
Guys,
I am simply at a loss for time and I am just tired. Caborca is coming up on Friday and I must ask for your prayers. There is so much to do and so much going on but really we need God's power and your prayers for anything to move. I really want to expound upon this later but have little time now.
~Decided to add some request: This is a short term mission trip into Caborca Mexico to share the gospel. We leave tom. at 7 a.m. and return sometime Friday night.
Please, please, please be in prayer for...
safe travel
safe entrance
keeping us healthy
keeping us focused on the Lord
opening hearts
prayer for bugs-don't pray for them of course but I really am so stinkin scared of them and I know there will be so many
pray for entrance into the camps
that the equiptment will run when we need it to
that things will come together for God's glory not for mine
that God would bring soft hearts
that we woould be serving for the right reason
that He would break my heart and keep me humble
pray my heart is full of joy rather then complaining
that my devotions would be sweet
that I come back changed
that I see just a little more of how big He really is
that He makes it evident that it will not happen without Him
that He would save many
that we would praise Him regardless of what we think
that no matter what happens we become a family and a body for one purpose
that we would be encouraged
that He would bring out children
pray we would share Him in everything and every way possible
that we would get rest
that we would be there to serve and not to be served
that we would plant many seeds and trust Him to water
that he allows His gospel to be shared and that no matter what happens we seek Him first with a trust and pray with high expectations and believe that our God will do mighty things.
Please just remember us and keep us in prayer as we can not forget without God, nothing can happen or will.
As for summer camp...it was amazing. Just as I learned my girls and had an awesome time with them God also spent the weekend working on my heart and convicting me of my own sin. I will also have to save this for yet another blog.
I wish sin was no more. I am just tired sometimes of seeing it and of living it. It just simply sucks and I hate that word but really feel like using it now. I have so much to learn. So much to appologize for, so much to say and so much to not say.
I have thought a bit and decided as well that I spend a little too much time trying to defend my words at times. I hate this. I think maybe I should just not be so honest...well, at least for now. I really do love Jesus most and hope that is what you see. I often come off so very wrong because I say what I think in honesty and just hope that God shines through it all. For the times when He does not I am very sorry. Mostly because that is an opportunity for me to glorify Him that He is not receiving it. I really want my heart shown more. I want to see Him more even if that means throwing everything I think I want away.
I love to remember my life vs. (I have this part tattoed on my back. That does not necessarily mean I recomend getting a tattoo. Yet another conversation we should have sometime) "...and He said to me, my grace is sufficient for you for my strength is made perfect in weakness." II Corinthians 12:9. How much I need this and Him. I feel so repetive but I really do want to live for Him, by Him, and because of Him. That, is more then enough.
I am simply at a loss for time and I am just tired. Caborca is coming up on Friday and I must ask for your prayers. There is so much to do and so much going on but really we need God's power and your prayers for anything to move. I really want to expound upon this later but have little time now.
~Decided to add some request: This is a short term mission trip into Caborca Mexico to share the gospel. We leave tom. at 7 a.m. and return sometime Friday night.
Please, please, please be in prayer for...
safe travel
safe entrance
keeping us healthy
keeping us focused on the Lord
opening hearts
prayer for bugs-don't pray for them of course but I really am so stinkin scared of them and I know there will be so many
pray for entrance into the camps
that the equiptment will run when we need it to
that things will come together for God's glory not for mine
that God would bring soft hearts
that we woould be serving for the right reason
that He would break my heart and keep me humble
pray my heart is full of joy rather then complaining
that my devotions would be sweet
that I come back changed
that I see just a little more of how big He really is
that He makes it evident that it will not happen without Him
that He would save many
that we would praise Him regardless of what we think
that no matter what happens we become a family and a body for one purpose
that we would be encouraged
that He would bring out children
pray we would share Him in everything and every way possible
that we would get rest
that we would be there to serve and not to be served
that we would plant many seeds and trust Him to water
that he allows His gospel to be shared and that no matter what happens we seek Him first with a trust and pray with high expectations and believe that our God will do mighty things.
Please just remember us and keep us in prayer as we can not forget without God, nothing can happen or will.
As for summer camp...it was amazing. Just as I learned my girls and had an awesome time with them God also spent the weekend working on my heart and convicting me of my own sin. I will also have to save this for yet another blog.
I wish sin was no more. I am just tired sometimes of seeing it and of living it. It just simply sucks and I hate that word but really feel like using it now. I have so much to learn. So much to appologize for, so much to say and so much to not say.
I have thought a bit and decided as well that I spend a little too much time trying to defend my words at times. I hate this. I think maybe I should just not be so honest...well, at least for now. I really do love Jesus most and hope that is what you see. I often come off so very wrong because I say what I think in honesty and just hope that God shines through it all. For the times when He does not I am very sorry. Mostly because that is an opportunity for me to glorify Him that He is not receiving it. I really want my heart shown more. I want to see Him more even if that means throwing everything I think I want away.
I love to remember my life vs. (I have this part tattoed on my back. That does not necessarily mean I recomend getting a tattoo. Yet another conversation we should have sometime) "...and He said to me, my grace is sufficient for you for my strength is made perfect in weakness." II Corinthians 12:9. How much I need this and Him. I feel so repetive but I really do want to live for Him, by Him, and because of Him. That, is more then enough.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Honestly, honesty?
I sit and stare off into space. My thoughts are heavy to my heart. I can hear the sounds in the background. Chatting, the computer beeping, the mechanics involved in the drive thru window. The frozen liquid of my Jamba created beads of water on the clear straw. This is what comes into focus as I sit not sure what to allow myself to feel or how I should respond.
This, was last week and seven days that God used in my life to point out something He needed me to see. Sunday, was the last night before my family was to go on "vacation" for a week. As the crowd that gathered at their house each Sunday evening slowly trickled out I became increasingly nervous. There were several situations going on for me that night which put me in a very quiet mood. I knew there was something I desperately wanted to tell them and I did not know how. This also ran through my head as the evening advanced into early morning and my nerves only increased the knot of nausea that was growing in my stomach.
I began to withdraw into myself and separate more and more as the uncomfortable feeling grew. I then decided to seek a quick council from someone a bit older and most definatly wiser then myself. It was decided that I would have to sit down and talk with the parents. So, before the last two people made it out the door I told the mom to remind me to tell her something. (I was half-way hoping that she would not bring it up and I would not have to tell her anything)
Then, the time came for the discussion. The mom plopped down on to the futon and asked me to turn the light on. "Ok, what's going on." The dad came in and plopped beside her followed by the girls. The expression on the face of the girls looked liked what I felt on the inside though I am sure I was just pale. I was a bit afraid and almost chickened out and told Amy to make the dad go away for a second. I was less worried about his response then the mom's but did not think I could handle both at once. He left with a bit of a frown and I began to spill. Ten seconds into it I told Amy to get the dad as I wanted him in on the conversation and I wanted to let him know as well. So, he returned gladly and slid on the floor near the door. I had prepped what I was going to tell them as I seem to like intros...especially as a descriptive and stalling device put in place to build up my courage. The mom does not like this and so told me just to tell her what I was trying to say. At this point your probably thinking I have done something terrible or am dying or moving away or something crazy. No, it is much more simple then that but still much more frightening for so many reasons I will not explain in a blog.
Then, it came out and before giving them much time to respond I began to explain the why behind it all. I watched the expressions hoping for some sign of what they were feeling to show through their face. What I saw instead was more of an expression of confusion as well as utter exhaustion for it was almost 1 a.m. When I was finished with my moment of honesty or what I like to call "throwing up on them" I waited. They were very groggy and did not quit look as though they were going to respond at all. Apparently I had given them a bit of a surprise. Then, the mom responded with "Well, he is a great guy." The dad said "I would have never have guessed that you liked him." This was funny to me as I knew they would have looked past the whole situation had I said nothing. Then again, I am not saying I laughed because I was still a bit pale and feeling a little queasy.
The following days were heartwrenching as I now had no contact with them and wanted so much to know their reaction. When ever their is honesty involved there is always some level of fear. Some level of desiring the receivers to accept what you say and love you regardless. My honesty or over honesty gets me in so much trouble. I can tell you times it has torn pieces of my heart or at least punched bruises into it. This whole situation may seem super silly but if you only knew the week it had brought me. I had not talked about guys with them since about January because of several reasons. The first was because of how I responded to a certain guy at the end of last year. I will absolutely admit I got swept up in the emotion of the situation but that happens sometimes.
Another reason I had not wanted to say anything is because of my often "boy crazy" reputation. The funny thing is most of the time I am just teasing about it and the other half of the time I am just being honest about what I am actually thinking. Besides I am twenty-five, have never said yes to any guy who liked me yet and still maintain a constant single status though always pretend to be unavailable. How boy crazy do you think I really am? And unfortunatly I hate the fact that I even feel like I have to defend myself. Guys...there are things on your mind all the time. Girls just think different and if you only knew how much I think in general. If you think the less of me-get over it. I don't care what you think but you should reflect on everything I say and do not just how things may appear at first. Also, it is much different if you have had any form of guy in your life growing up. Usually girls like me with little or no male affection, attention, and authority coming from their father end up in a much different place then I am. That is only because of God and that I can attest to. Basically, I tell people exactly what I am thinking and that allows people to form many opinions of me. This goes with every aspect though not just guys. I am to fear God and not man and so as long as I pursue Him I can not care as much about what you think unless there is really sin. If you don't like my personality I can't really do anything about it and I refuse to apologize for it. If I only could tell you the many opinions people form just because of my over-honesty and others not saying the things that run through their heads.
So, as I waited patiently for the days to pass before I could talk to them again my fear also grew. I became afraid because I had wanted to tell them for awhile but had kept it a secret. It felt dishonest thought there was no actually lying in it. I just am very close with them and want them involved in every aspect of my life especially the ones that make me uncomfortable. Also, I have given them a strong role of authority in my life and so being honest about the situation will allow them to see what they may overlook. Besides that there is another boy situation that is the opposite problem. There is someone who is making me extremely uncomfortable and I wanted them to know this as well since this is the person the mom wanted to set me up with before. I told her not a chance and I thought she agreed but then he seems to pop around making me not want to be there. I hate that feeling and so I just wanted them to know it all and not be afraid to get their opinions. Besides, I told the dad if a guy ever did want to date me the guy would have to ask him first and so I thought it wise to get him on the same page with me and get his feedback. (Guys, your usually very wise in this stuff. There are reasons the opposite sexes compliment each other and I highly value guys and the level of balance they can bring to situations.)
I was sitting in the car on Thursday and called up my best friend to tell her what I had done. She listened to me as the fear came out and I began to be afraid of my family. I am great at living in a way that I love people so much but then let a little fear or hurt try to close me off. My response is to shut the door and walk and push someone away. This has been something that God has spent years growing me through. As I chatted with Mandy on the phone she could hear this coming before I even finished the conversation and as I told her I did not like the response and sat regretting the entire thing, she confronted me on the issue. You have to know something about me and Mandy. We have been friends for about ten years now and have gone through every possible situation. The only reason we have stayed friends is because she is unwilling to let me go when she can feel me tense and try to cut the rope. (Doesn't this remind you of how God works? )
It is a aweful thing that I have grown a ton through but only because God has a different plan for me then I try to have for myself. We had times in life where we stopped talking for bits but now we are that much stronger for it. And, whenever I begin to drift off even for a second she literally grasps on tighter until I start holding back on to her. This is also something she learned to now she will verbally confront me so I know I can't push her out or away unintentionally. These are interesting conversations as she knows me so well she can sense it and says I am sorry your trying to get rid of me but I will never go away so you better just stop. It is funny now though about five years ago I fought her so hard. Now I am more thankful for it then anything. I have a fight then flight tendency to protect myself. So, when I explained the situation on the phone to her she cut me off short. She pointed out immediately what I was doing and I knew it. I am getting to the point where I begin to see it and can deal with it before I do something really stupid.
The next couple days were spent in silence. I was not being quite with all people but just trying to allow God to direct my reaction through this. It was so small but I knew this was an area of weakness God was working on and I did not know where I would end up. Everything in me was ready to justify giving up and pushing them out so as not to face rejection or pain of any kind. I literally can feel myself tense up and push away. I asked God to help me through it and to help me respond as I was trying to push an entirely different direction. I just took a few moments over a couple days and realized I was being entirely sinful and putting blame on them for things I did not even know they were doing. I wanted so bad for them to respond my way and when they did not my insecurities came flying through. So, when I was worried and looking for any sin on their part, which is just stupid, God revealed to me a level of my own.
I am glad we have a great God who has me exactly where I need to be right now. I am so glad He gets me through it and allows people to push me just enough. I felt like I was pushed harder then I needed but if you only knew how much strength it took me to still be standing when the fog cleared. I am all the more thankful for it and all the closer with my family because of it. Saturday, the vacation was over and everything was back to normal. I did not speak about it again for there was no need. Only the need for God to teach me a couple of extremely important lessons and to grow me closer to the only real earthly authority I hold dear to. Really, I don't want you to the the situation as a guy issue as that has nothing to do with it really at all. God used that one coversation to teach me so many other things that has nothing to do with any guy at all. I love my family so much and am so glad they are in my life. They are absolutely unreplaceable. So, regardless of the seemingly small situation God allowed me to stay when all I wanted was to run. This is a first.....really. Besides, it is much more fun to let your family know who you like...they are of course your family and even if crushes come and go you need family through it all. Who else will tease you about it? I guess I just have to trust and be patience now on many levels. Am I saying to much? Probably, but it is simply a part of my personality. Now, my story is much different, I have learned a super important lesson, and as God continues to write it, it will only get better.
This, was last week and seven days that God used in my life to point out something He needed me to see. Sunday, was the last night before my family was to go on "vacation" for a week. As the crowd that gathered at their house each Sunday evening slowly trickled out I became increasingly nervous. There were several situations going on for me that night which put me in a very quiet mood. I knew there was something I desperately wanted to tell them and I did not know how. This also ran through my head as the evening advanced into early morning and my nerves only increased the knot of nausea that was growing in my stomach.
I began to withdraw into myself and separate more and more as the uncomfortable feeling grew. I then decided to seek a quick council from someone a bit older and most definatly wiser then myself. It was decided that I would have to sit down and talk with the parents. So, before the last two people made it out the door I told the mom to remind me to tell her something. (I was half-way hoping that she would not bring it up and I would not have to tell her anything)
Then, the time came for the discussion. The mom plopped down on to the futon and asked me to turn the light on. "Ok, what's going on." The dad came in and plopped beside her followed by the girls. The expression on the face of the girls looked liked what I felt on the inside though I am sure I was just pale. I was a bit afraid and almost chickened out and told Amy to make the dad go away for a second. I was less worried about his response then the mom's but did not think I could handle both at once. He left with a bit of a frown and I began to spill. Ten seconds into it I told Amy to get the dad as I wanted him in on the conversation and I wanted to let him know as well. So, he returned gladly and slid on the floor near the door. I had prepped what I was going to tell them as I seem to like intros...especially as a descriptive and stalling device put in place to build up my courage. The mom does not like this and so told me just to tell her what I was trying to say. At this point your probably thinking I have done something terrible or am dying or moving away or something crazy. No, it is much more simple then that but still much more frightening for so many reasons I will not explain in a blog.
Then, it came out and before giving them much time to respond I began to explain the why behind it all. I watched the expressions hoping for some sign of what they were feeling to show through their face. What I saw instead was more of an expression of confusion as well as utter exhaustion for it was almost 1 a.m. When I was finished with my moment of honesty or what I like to call "throwing up on them" I waited. They were very groggy and did not quit look as though they were going to respond at all. Apparently I had given them a bit of a surprise. Then, the mom responded with "Well, he is a great guy." The dad said "I would have never have guessed that you liked him." This was funny to me as I knew they would have looked past the whole situation had I said nothing. Then again, I am not saying I laughed because I was still a bit pale and feeling a little queasy.
The following days were heartwrenching as I now had no contact with them and wanted so much to know their reaction. When ever their is honesty involved there is always some level of fear. Some level of desiring the receivers to accept what you say and love you regardless. My honesty or over honesty gets me in so much trouble. I can tell you times it has torn pieces of my heart or at least punched bruises into it. This whole situation may seem super silly but if you only knew the week it had brought me. I had not talked about guys with them since about January because of several reasons. The first was because of how I responded to a certain guy at the end of last year. I will absolutely admit I got swept up in the emotion of the situation but that happens sometimes.
Another reason I had not wanted to say anything is because of my often "boy crazy" reputation. The funny thing is most of the time I am just teasing about it and the other half of the time I am just being honest about what I am actually thinking. Besides I am twenty-five, have never said yes to any guy who liked me yet and still maintain a constant single status though always pretend to be unavailable. How boy crazy do you think I really am? And unfortunatly I hate the fact that I even feel like I have to defend myself. Guys...there are things on your mind all the time. Girls just think different and if you only knew how much I think in general. If you think the less of me-get over it. I don't care what you think but you should reflect on everything I say and do not just how things may appear at first. Also, it is much different if you have had any form of guy in your life growing up. Usually girls like me with little or no male affection, attention, and authority coming from their father end up in a much different place then I am. That is only because of God and that I can attest to. Basically, I tell people exactly what I am thinking and that allows people to form many opinions of me. This goes with every aspect though not just guys. I am to fear God and not man and so as long as I pursue Him I can not care as much about what you think unless there is really sin. If you don't like my personality I can't really do anything about it and I refuse to apologize for it. If I only could tell you the many opinions people form just because of my over-honesty and others not saying the things that run through their heads.
So, as I waited patiently for the days to pass before I could talk to them again my fear also grew. I became afraid because I had wanted to tell them for awhile but had kept it a secret. It felt dishonest thought there was no actually lying in it. I just am very close with them and want them involved in every aspect of my life especially the ones that make me uncomfortable. Also, I have given them a strong role of authority in my life and so being honest about the situation will allow them to see what they may overlook. Besides that there is another boy situation that is the opposite problem. There is someone who is making me extremely uncomfortable and I wanted them to know this as well since this is the person the mom wanted to set me up with before. I told her not a chance and I thought she agreed but then he seems to pop around making me not want to be there. I hate that feeling and so I just wanted them to know it all and not be afraid to get their opinions. Besides, I told the dad if a guy ever did want to date me the guy would have to ask him first and so I thought it wise to get him on the same page with me and get his feedback. (Guys, your usually very wise in this stuff. There are reasons the opposite sexes compliment each other and I highly value guys and the level of balance they can bring to situations.)
I was sitting in the car on Thursday and called up my best friend to tell her what I had done. She listened to me as the fear came out and I began to be afraid of my family. I am great at living in a way that I love people so much but then let a little fear or hurt try to close me off. My response is to shut the door and walk and push someone away. This has been something that God has spent years growing me through. As I chatted with Mandy on the phone she could hear this coming before I even finished the conversation and as I told her I did not like the response and sat regretting the entire thing, she confronted me on the issue. You have to know something about me and Mandy. We have been friends for about ten years now and have gone through every possible situation. The only reason we have stayed friends is because she is unwilling to let me go when she can feel me tense and try to cut the rope. (Doesn't this remind you of how God works? )
It is a aweful thing that I have grown a ton through but only because God has a different plan for me then I try to have for myself. We had times in life where we stopped talking for bits but now we are that much stronger for it. And, whenever I begin to drift off even for a second she literally grasps on tighter until I start holding back on to her. This is also something she learned to now she will verbally confront me so I know I can't push her out or away unintentionally. These are interesting conversations as she knows me so well she can sense it and says I am sorry your trying to get rid of me but I will never go away so you better just stop. It is funny now though about five years ago I fought her so hard. Now I am more thankful for it then anything. I have a fight then flight tendency to protect myself. So, when I explained the situation on the phone to her she cut me off short. She pointed out immediately what I was doing and I knew it. I am getting to the point where I begin to see it and can deal with it before I do something really stupid.
The next couple days were spent in silence. I was not being quite with all people but just trying to allow God to direct my reaction through this. It was so small but I knew this was an area of weakness God was working on and I did not know where I would end up. Everything in me was ready to justify giving up and pushing them out so as not to face rejection or pain of any kind. I literally can feel myself tense up and push away. I asked God to help me through it and to help me respond as I was trying to push an entirely different direction. I just took a few moments over a couple days and realized I was being entirely sinful and putting blame on them for things I did not even know they were doing. I wanted so bad for them to respond my way and when they did not my insecurities came flying through. So, when I was worried and looking for any sin on their part, which is just stupid, God revealed to me a level of my own.
I am glad we have a great God who has me exactly where I need to be right now. I am so glad He gets me through it and allows people to push me just enough. I felt like I was pushed harder then I needed but if you only knew how much strength it took me to still be standing when the fog cleared. I am all the more thankful for it and all the closer with my family because of it. Saturday, the vacation was over and everything was back to normal. I did not speak about it again for there was no need. Only the need for God to teach me a couple of extremely important lessons and to grow me closer to the only real earthly authority I hold dear to. Really, I don't want you to the the situation as a guy issue as that has nothing to do with it really at all. God used that one coversation to teach me so many other things that has nothing to do with any guy at all. I love my family so much and am so glad they are in my life. They are absolutely unreplaceable. So, regardless of the seemingly small situation God allowed me to stay when all I wanted was to run. This is a first.....really. Besides, it is much more fun to let your family know who you like...they are of course your family and even if crushes come and go you need family through it all. Who else will tease you about it? I guess I just have to trust and be patience now on many levels. Am I saying to much? Probably, but it is simply a part of my personality. Now, my story is much different, I have learned a super important lesson, and as God continues to write it, it will only get better.
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