Sitting here with my black framed glasses on as my eyes grow more and more lazy and dependant I have come to the conclusion that Grapenuts is in fact the perfect food. Though neither grape nor nut it just always sounds good and is a great and healthy substitute for either breakfast, lunch, dinner or a good frustration snack and since your getting a serving of dairy and fiber it appears to be one of the great things in life.
I am at this very moment in the state of utter exhaustion from a very long week and now looking forward I am realizing that I cannot possibly ever be board because I simply don't allow a moment to breathe let alone stop thinking. You know your pretty bad off when you have to play music at a fairly distracting volume in order to quiet the noise within. Perhaps this is insanity or maybe it is normal for the 3 parts of the enneagram numbers that I am excited to say are located in the "thinking" triad. So, in fact it is really just the way I am wired which is very unfortunate for all of you because that leaves for an overabundance of verbage at any and every available moment of the day and sometimes night.
The newest problems my mind is allowed to recycle through are the things I have yet to try but are on my newest task list of things today. I often say to people "oh, I am not really a planner...." but in fact that is the biggest misrepresentation of me as I in fact plan just about every moment of the day. (Let me clarify that statement as I do not plan the moments themselves but am always mentally planning something in my head) Finishing anything then becomes the actual problem but I start everything with an amazing excitement and passion so these things are going to be the same.
Now, I know your dying with anticipation for me to tell you the new plans I have (or to shut up) but either way for me it is more the telling and suspense that entertains then the actual. So, the non-sequential order of tasks which I would put in a check box form if I had any skills regarding computers are as follows; Running (in order to run a half-marathon in January), the ACTs (are you crazy I wait until ten years after college to take this on), an attempt at a Marketing degree, an attempt at ignoring the opposite sex (that will most likely last the next 8 hours...or at least as long as I am sleeping), and most important....really giving God the first place in my life and pursuing that above all else.
Problem 1: I plan but cannot keep a schedule for the life of me.
Problem 2: I cannot possibly accomplish these things as well without a plan or schedule to make them happen
Problem 3: I am a bit scattered
Problem 4: Christ is never enough in my life and I just don't know how to pursue Him better
Problem 5: I think these glasses might actually be making me blind when I was not blind before.
Problem 6: This week has been emotionally trying beyond belief and since then I have decided to purchase stock in Visine (though I actually don't like it I prefer another brand I cannot remember so Visine will have to work)
Figuring out the steps to this is going to be more and more awkward the next few weeks as each of these accomplishments require some type of preparation. This means a schedule which fits nicely into the average persons world but I am not entirely convinced that I fall in the average category. Not such a good fit for people who remember to purchase planners but neither remembers to write something in such objects of domination nor to read such items. (If in fact one can actually remember where one has put such object in the first place). So in the nature of too much here is my tentative plan to accomplish each and every one of these items.
The first step of course will in fact be to find the planner. Once that is out of the way I am off to a great start. The second is to swear off men as any form of distraction in my life as they seem to be one of my favorites. (I must explain in brief that I do not date pur se but am always trying apparently to spend much of my focus on one guy friend at a time...and then confuse myself greatly). First thing listed on this planner will in fact be God since it seems that is the easiest and non-tangible yet most important priortiy of my life. Why if I can't see it upon waking in the day do I so often allow other and less worthy distractions to allure me away from the One who is absolutly the everything and anything I need? I am far too easily pleased. The next step will be to set aside a time amidst the work for my school. This not only includes class and homework time but also the fact that in order to get into the Marketing degree I have to take the ACTs and from there get a 25. I have a little more then a month to study through a book the size of the Bible and a lot less useful so that I can get a grade on a test that I am already taking classes for. Next of course is this running situation. I have spent more time wearing myself down through tears and staying awake in thinking then was possibly necessary the last few days and so now I must no longer forsake my training but get on a planned and training schedule.(There is that blasted "s" word again) This is all confusing as some days it is run and some it is weights and somewhere in there I need some sleep as well and of course with that I must also keep track of eating. I have the ratio down and food in the frige but it will be the constant upkeep of the both together. If that wasn't already too much for my head I have to leave my social time and that time for normal cleaning and grooming which otherwise will be kicked to the curb and forgotten.
The next step in this plan is of course to get off this mesmorizing screen in front of me as the more I sit here the more the seconds travel into the past. Lots to accomplish yet tonight and little direction on how exactly this is all to occur. So, I leave like a moth in the morning and am soon to shut this bright burning light off for the evening and trade it for some much needed time in a much brighter light.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Inner Thoughts
It is a quiet Saturday evening and I sit alone with music delightfully creating a background sound for my thoughts. The thoughts do not quiet down but are able to focus more with something else going on around me. I wear a pair of glasses new to me this very day and ponder through the meaning of life...or at least where mine will be headed.
It is so easy for life to be about me and nothing more or less. It is in these moments that I realize that I have allowed a momentary haze to blind me and I fail to see the Savior. Life has changed dramatically since I have last written as it usually does. I especially savor the moments that seem to twist a new future for me and bring an open door of changes. I have missed writing and have taken to facebook status updating instead which has little value though allows for the constant announcement of thoughts.
The last month I have been discovering the Enneagram and the amazing personalities locked within the chapters. The 9 types unfold slowly within myself, my friends, family and the acquaintances I keep. I read in wonder through the pages of now three books explaining people at their core and the ways they respond. I am still in love with this system though it allowed me to struggle through many of my own issues as they were in print on paper before me. If you want to talk about an emotional roller coaster have someone explain to you your own motives and in fact print your best with your worst and publish it for everyone to see. That is what so much of the books hold. They also hold the most interesting information about discovering people and what types they are and they ways they operate. If you have any inkling of interest in people or if you are a type seven as it appears I am and the idea of people fascinate you I would widely recommend the Enneagram to you.
With that I have had an extra measure of time in self-exploration lately finding I just come up short(not just in height...though 5'1" has yet to be considered tall except perhaps in Mexico). The inner turmoil this brings is both a mixture of awe and utter disgust. Moments like these are inner tests where I can choose to wallow or choose to fight. Fighting sometimes happens after first a fall, but not long will God leave us to fall. It is in the moments when we see our sin and our need that He pulls us that much closer to Him allowing us to once again be reminded that the reason His Son was so terrifically murdered. For this, I struggle through and now am a on set of other missions.
If you have ever follow my life in any manner you will see a series of patters of change and changing minds. Some of this of course is based of life itself and the wonderful adventure that it is. The rest I fear is a protective character flaw that rears it's terrifying head in moments of panic for me. These moments are all unfortunately too much a part of my regular journey through life though I have in fact learned how to begin to breathe through them and not necessarily run in the other direction.
This year will be no different the the rest as I am on to another plan. I am great at plans and enjoying the things life has to offer wanting to smell, touch, taste, hear, and see them all. I also see in the current days a challenge ahead to stick in the game even when life would cause me to be tempted to do otherwise. The the last year has been a great test of this though I have failed in areas I have not meant to. This year will be an interesting one as I am now to face the fears with what strength God has forced me to obtain through Him the last few years. So, charge I will into the known which is much more frightening for me then the unknown.
What this looks like for at least the next six months will be a great adventure. Training for a half-marathon and hoping I will run it this next January is only one step. I have decided to attempt my most difficult and somewhere in the range of major 8 or 9 by signing up for some marketing classes.(Have I ever told you how terrible I am at math...and how Political Statistics made me cry...though I made it through with a B and will never forget that I did!) There are plenty of other ideas that come along with being me but I am going to work diligently on focusing and keeping focused on these even when it is hard and I want to run and give up.
The best part of this situation is that when I want to run I actually can...physically speaking of course since marathon training gets to be the energy expenditure I have chosen. Prayers in the forefront of my mind I choose to take it on and hope that as everything around me is changing so dramatically I can manage to keep my head in the game and keep running first and foremost toward my God and King and second that I will not give up but will in fact finish strong.
So then I will end this blog with my facebook quote from the day which in fact was the begining of these...inner thoughts....'can see a parallel to training to run....I...like to run both figuratively and factly speaking. Working through the moments I can't breathe, pain, and finding out how to work through them all. And....second parallel of the day...sometimes you don't know you don't see things clearly...until you do....'
It is so easy for life to be about me and nothing more or less. It is in these moments that I realize that I have allowed a momentary haze to blind me and I fail to see the Savior. Life has changed dramatically since I have last written as it usually does. I especially savor the moments that seem to twist a new future for me and bring an open door of changes. I have missed writing and have taken to facebook status updating instead which has little value though allows for the constant announcement of thoughts.
The last month I have been discovering the Enneagram and the amazing personalities locked within the chapters. The 9 types unfold slowly within myself, my friends, family and the acquaintances I keep. I read in wonder through the pages of now three books explaining people at their core and the ways they respond. I am still in love with this system though it allowed me to struggle through many of my own issues as they were in print on paper before me. If you want to talk about an emotional roller coaster have someone explain to you your own motives and in fact print your best with your worst and publish it for everyone to see. That is what so much of the books hold. They also hold the most interesting information about discovering people and what types they are and they ways they operate. If you have any inkling of interest in people or if you are a type seven as it appears I am and the idea of people fascinate you I would widely recommend the Enneagram to you.
With that I have had an extra measure of time in self-exploration lately finding I just come up short(not just in height...though 5'1" has yet to be considered tall except perhaps in Mexico). The inner turmoil this brings is both a mixture of awe and utter disgust. Moments like these are inner tests where I can choose to wallow or choose to fight. Fighting sometimes happens after first a fall, but not long will God leave us to fall. It is in the moments when we see our sin and our need that He pulls us that much closer to Him allowing us to once again be reminded that the reason His Son was so terrifically murdered. For this, I struggle through and now am a on set of other missions.
If you have ever follow my life in any manner you will see a series of patters of change and changing minds. Some of this of course is based of life itself and the wonderful adventure that it is. The rest I fear is a protective character flaw that rears it's terrifying head in moments of panic for me. These moments are all unfortunately too much a part of my regular journey through life though I have in fact learned how to begin to breathe through them and not necessarily run in the other direction.
This year will be no different the the rest as I am on to another plan. I am great at plans and enjoying the things life has to offer wanting to smell, touch, taste, hear, and see them all. I also see in the current days a challenge ahead to stick in the game even when life would cause me to be tempted to do otherwise. The the last year has been a great test of this though I have failed in areas I have not meant to. This year will be an interesting one as I am now to face the fears with what strength God has forced me to obtain through Him the last few years. So, charge I will into the known which is much more frightening for me then the unknown.
What this looks like for at least the next six months will be a great adventure. Training for a half-marathon and hoping I will run it this next January is only one step. I have decided to attempt my most difficult and somewhere in the range of major 8 or 9 by signing up for some marketing classes.(Have I ever told you how terrible I am at math...and how Political Statistics made me cry...though I made it through with a B and will never forget that I did!) There are plenty of other ideas that come along with being me but I am going to work diligently on focusing and keeping focused on these even when it is hard and I want to run and give up.
The best part of this situation is that when I want to run I actually can...physically speaking of course since marathon training gets to be the energy expenditure I have chosen. Prayers in the forefront of my mind I choose to take it on and hope that as everything around me is changing so dramatically I can manage to keep my head in the game and keep running first and foremost toward my God and King and second that I will not give up but will in fact finish strong.
So then I will end this blog with my facebook quote from the day which in fact was the begining of these...inner thoughts....'can see a parallel to training to run....I...like to run both figuratively and factly speaking. Working through the moments I can't breathe, pain, and finding out how to work through them all. And....second parallel of the day...sometimes you don't know you don't see things clearly...until you do....'
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