Divine Romance.

Some peoples' hearts are stirred by deep conversation, by poetry, but mine is most stirred by music and lyrics. This my friends is the latest find. I know words are enough but I am including a link hoping that you will listen to it. I love this song, I rejoice in music and praise to our Lord. Merry Christmas and may we rejoice in Him.



Divine Romance Phil Wickham lyrics
Artist: Phil Wickham



The fullness of Your grace is here with me
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see
The brightness of Your glory has arrived
In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied

For You I sing I dance
Rejoice in this divine romance
Lift my heart and my hands
To show my love, to show my love

A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You
Of deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the room
Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life
In Your presence God I’m completely satisfied

http://www.philwickham.com/
The first song it plays is Grace...click the next song button to hear Divine Romance

Dependence

Something caught me off guard...at least in my thinking. My mind chews on things for quit sometime and then when I least expect it they pop back in from nowhere. The funny part is that I no longer thought my mind was doing anything with it but somehow the thought has progressed non-the-less. This thought: dependance on who or rather what?

I am not sure exactly where the thought first began but I am aware that I was listening to a story Sunday night. I had also traveled through bits of Job (I never realized until proof-reading this Job is spelled job though only one is a book of the Bible) recently and the mix of it all lead me to the conclusion I am not dependant on God. Or rather I do not act or give God gratitude for the dependance He gives that I attribute to other things. Amidst the hustle and bustle of the world I have forgotten to depend on the KING and falsely given His glory to lesser things.

Example:
Once upon a day I went driving down the road to work. My normal routine is Starbucks and to work I go followed by either a social or church event. Suddenly I am in a car crash and though I am OK, my car is not. So, I go home thanking God I am OK and depending on my family to help me with the car issue? Small problem right? It would seem rather big but because I know my family has other cars and I have insurance I KNOW I will be fine.

This scenario is not real. But, it leads me to think. What if like Job God chooses to allow me to someday see Him-REALLY SEE HIM. I live more fearless then some and not as much as many others. No matter what I do I know if I fall on my butt I have family who will help. So what would happen to my world if instead of loosing a car I lost my family? What if for some strange reason all my siblings, my parent, my grandparents were killed in a plane crash or a fire? What then would I fall back on? Lets make the scenario a little worse. What if not only were they all killed but I find out there is not a bit of inheritance that goes to me. Oh, and now I wake to find I no longer have any friends to turn too. I am working still but have taken too much time off and so they fire me. Next, my house burns down and I am covered in terrible burns. So, what then? Would my life be over and how would I respond.

Would I choose to worship God and seek Him, or would I choose to hate God? Would it take something extreme like that for me not to trust my family if I fall and to trust God? That I don't know but I am working on. I can't imagine what it would have been like to be Job but God allowed something similar to happen in order for Him to be dependant on God and it took all of that for him to see God. I guess more then anything it makes me sad that we give people and things the glory that God deserves. I want to depend on Him and it is as simple as that. That my friend will be my prayer and I hope I learn it the easy way : )

Don't talk to Guys

No, this is not a possibility I know. And let me just mention that I do not care for it to be. Growing up with mostly guy friends that would have been a terrible thing. However, it never ceases to amaze me the way girls paint our worlds out or can change our minds in one conversation. (I am guilt here as well)

Let me give you a brief example. You are a girl, and not interested in any of the guys that you currently know. (Thank God) Not that you don't like them, you just don't like them as more. Are we there yet? This is where things can get a bit tricky. You make wise little proverbs to yourself that you should not talk to guys and you begin a list as to the why.

1. You are trying to remain uninterested in the opposite sex. (safety precaution)
2. You are trying to let them know by brief conversations that you’re not interested in them. (being very nice to very many guys often gets one in trouble)
3. You just don't make them a priority
4. You cannot fathom how they think and what they think does not interest you
5. You are still trying to convince yourself you can survive without them (though you totally enjoy their company even as good friends and someday want more)
6. You’re trying to remain uninterested in the opposite sex. (yes a repeat but your trying to remind your self again)
7. You want to remain sane (a girls level of emotion and sanity can change like that when a guy is in the picture)
8. You value your emotions remaining on a fairly wavy level (rather then the crazy rollercoaster that comes later)

So, after going through these ideas over and over again you talk to a guy. Now this could be one of the ones you have some great conversations with through out the week or it could be someone new that you had no desire to meet. He could be your best guy friend, or a complete stranger or some vague acquaintance. Somehow through this one conversation (it could be long, short, introductory, speedy, quiet, anything but uncomfortable) and somehow your mind got intrigued. Now, you will spend the rest of your week with that person in your head. This is a problem for you. You somehow find a way to bring him up to all your girlfriends in some reminiscent moment without letting them know that your interested. Perhaps you’re reciting a funny moment or for some reason you must bring him into the conversation all week.

Now, your looking forward to the next time you see him or talk to him and you want to be sure and look nice as the last time you saw him you were looking a bit shabby. Now you don't know when you will see him again or you might but you plan accordingly still pretending to yourself you have not a hint of interest. Then, you see him and you may have the guts to find your way into a conversation with him. It could be a bold "Hi, how are you doing," or a sneaky working your way around the room. Now, you have had the second conversation. (If he is new or if it is someone you already know the second conversation of interest) Now, you’re in trouble.

Your head begins to go down that road of what would happen and if you don't see your pretend future together then you rule him out from the beginning. But, if by chance you can see things about this person you like matching somehow with yours then your heart now begins to get involved and you will be in a state of unfocesed-ness quit often. This is where the whole thing can go awry as the guy has not a clue that you have somehow decided on him at this moment. This is also the point many (and I don't say all because many of us have learned enough by now to know that just because we like a guy does not mean that he likes us) girls have decided on this relationship.

This is where I think it gets funny. Girls will go all out to tell their friends every detail of every conversation with this guy. Suddenly everything they say will convince the girl and her friends this guy likes her. This is where some of us get to remind the other girls that he has not made a move that proves he likes her or is interested in anything but friendship but at this point it is to late. The girls hearts somehow follow and latch on. To some degree if you like a guy at this point you are either allowing or fighting your girl emotions and tendencies. It becomes a rather difficult battle as you seek to get closer and struggle to find reality. You have to call your mind into obedience and not think about this person all the time. But, when you do, it makes you smile. You have to try and not talk about him all the time and the fact that you like him and you don't know what he is thinking but you do. And this is something that goes on for a day, a week, a month, a year, with not a word from him that your anything but "just friends."

You might give up. If you don't give up your frustrated and praying for a sign. Something needs to change because your heart is still stuck on him. You then get jealous and wonder about every other girl he talks to or about. You have to be kept accountable so your heart does not sin more then the fact your making something other then God your idol already. You need some accountability and you have probably cried a million times by now because every time you see him you’re trying to figure him out and you never can. Sometimes you like him and sometimes you hate him. Now, this cycle can go on and on with many other variations. This is the point you then find out. He likes you...yes hurray. Or maybe he does not like you. Depending on where you are at with God, with age, and with your level of learning this lesson before, this either breaks you or turns out to be one of the best things you have ever heard. It could crush your world and then your friends spend the rest of the month trying to encourage you to seek God and not hurt and get over the whole thing. Or, it could be a joyous occasion that you finally get to return to sanity and it has been a while. So now, life will become comfortable again and you’re hanging out with friends and focusing on school and ministry and you’re so excited. Then....you find yourself talking to someone new. And yes, it is a guy....

Warning: actual reactions, responses, time, emotions and guys may vary.

What car are you?

This is sort of fun though I would wonder at how true these personality quizes are.

I'm a Lamborghini Murcielago!

You're not subtle, but you don't want to be. Fast, loud, and dramatic, you want people to notice you, and then get out of the way. In a world full of sheep, you're a raging bull.

Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

Four fires...none of them set by me.

So there has been so very much going as is customary for the holiday season. Just in the last four nights in fact I have spent my time around four completely different fires. The thing I love about winter is the fact that we get to spend time with friends and family after dark just hanging out. P.S. Just so you know I now have a digital camera that I can record life with...I had been saving for a nicer one but since I have switched my major for probably the 8th time I decided I was tired of not recording life and so now I will be including many photos in my blogs.

The first fire was a saguaro lake on Thanksgiving Eve. This was an awesome opportunity for some Seven:teners to go out and just spend some time hanging out. The guys made a great show of lighting the fire and keeping it going. It was a great night though I only met one new person...I was a little captivated by the fire and the interesting conversation I was in at the time. I met a guy who comes from a different church. We had some great conversation about some of the ministries that go on there. Then there is Tree...well he likes to show off his "I am not afraid of fire," moves. The ones on this blog were actually only the small fire he stood in. I stopped taking shots as I told him I would not mind(now I don't want you to think I would not be sad) him being martyred or burned for the gospel but this is not exactly giving God the glory and so his death would be a waist. Then of course there was the attempted marshmallows roasting...Oh, and the trip home I was thanking God for GPS. Ryan was driving us out but we didn't know where out was. Ryan would follow Cody and then Cody, Ryan but we were attempting four wheeling at about midnight in the desert. GPS system however became rather useful as it pointed to the road and showed us continually which way we were going in regards to the road.






Flame number two: This was the following night at the Paasch's thanksgiving. We dined under the stars and had a great practice run the Tuesday before as it was Lynne's birthday. This was my third outing on Thanksgiving but it was great. I loved the fun of spending time with my real family but even more so completing it with my church family.





Flame three: It was Maria's 16th birthday. I did not take photos but it was great. Oh, we sang our songs around the campfire-praise of course, played Curses, and then ended with my best shot at teaching the girl and guy part of swing dancing with Amy as my assistant.

Flame four: Last night we decorated the Christmas Tree, drank cider and watched a movie inside the Paasch house. We sent out a smoke signal quit by accident as a nice send off to Mike who is going on a mission trip this week.



Oh, how I love family, friends, the holidays and all the memories they make. Talk about something to be thankful for during the week of Thanksgiving. Thank God for wonderful things. Oh, and ignore the dates on any photos as I have no idea how to correct them.

Back from Rocky Point

Thank you guys so much for your prayers. This weekend was so great and I am so excited to go again hopefully next month. I really appreciated your lovely phone messages and thanks for the strenth and encouragement you have provided.

We left Friday night for Rocky Point and I jumped in the car with Derek and Michelle. It was such a crazy ride as we delt with many funny issues from Burt running out of gas to Michelle getting pulled over for speeding to my luggage falling off the roof. Neverless, we made it safe and soud after midnight. I had never been to Rocky Point and let me just tell you this was the most beautiful mission trip I had ever been on. I wondered outside to the patio and crashed under the stars...or should I say froze under the stars. I don't think I slept more then an hour because I had not really packed well and had brought my summer sleeping bag.

As the sun rose I saw the ocean and spent some time with the Lord. We soon began our day with breakfast and off to our designated spots. Some of us went to work on one of two buildings and the rest were going to give out food and clothing. We build our house and found out the next day at the dedication it was actually going to be a school for some handicapped children. It was so great as we handed off the key after one day of nailing and painting (well, at least that is what I did).

The trip was incredible as I tried to chat and share the gospel in Spanish...I know I don't really know the language but I knew more then the few I tagged along with. God really used this trip to renew my joy and excite me. I spent some awesome time with Derek and Michelle and am more excited about missions then before. In fact I have two new mission buddies. But rather then bore you with any more details and a poorly written blog I will just show you some of the trip.

A Calling

So this weekend a question was asked. If you were told you had 30 years to live what would you do with those years? I answered the question in a way I am still in agreement with but I my mind never ends after the fact. It has been four days and as I was cleaning my mind began churning more about that. I am only 25 but there are things I say that I am going to do when I am 30. I am not much of a plan maker but none the less there are things I think about. So, what struck me most is how we are the people of God allot ed time on this planet. Now, you would think that since we are in such a hurry to go home...and I am so in a hurry to get there, that we would change how we live.

Let me paint a different picture. I know God has me here as long as he wants me to be here. I remember part of my answer on Sunday night was that I would live and plan for the first five years and fix all the relationships I have here and say my good buys and make sure to leave a mark on my family and share with them. Then...I would go. I would then spend the last two years in some very dangerous place knowing that I was promised 30 years but not the quality of those years. So today as I was cleaning and singing I thought what a funny but true statement I had made. I am not worried about the time span or the fear of dying...it is the fear of the quality of the life here. What an idiot I am! What in the heck am I doing waisting my time because I am focused on making sure my life here is quality. Yep...smack me in the face and please wake me up. I know months ago I wrote a blog about living more dangerously for the gospel and I said something about not living stupidly. But, what defines stupidity? Knowing God is maintaining my life and the quality of it should make me live a life of reckless abandonment. Now, I do mean danger is OK. I have family, but no husband or children minus my few animals. Why would I focus on trying to carve out a nice little hole, a dwelling in this planet where I am safe and can maintain my few years? Why should I waist my years and spend time trying to look nice and buy nice things and make sure I am taken care of? I want to go home and what better way then to go and live a life of danger knowing when it is my time I will go and there is no better life then one lived and a death for God and His glory.

I think God may have just changed my life forever to one spent as goer rather then a sender. I hope He now gives me the strength to do it and step out. I want to be able to step out on the water knowing I will only sink if I fail to put ALL my faith in Him. Knowing when I trust Him I can walk on the water to Him. Now I just need to find out where He wants to send me and where I will go. There is a chance I will try to study abroad in Africa for a semester with a missions organization. I think I should Go. Now I just pray that God will send me and my motivation will not dye down and my passion will only increase. Where I do not know but I want to GO. So this weekend, January, hopefully next year I can begin to plan it out.

Ministry Opportunities

This week has been amazing and though this is not an all together deep discussion there are some things I am really excited about. First off I have the opportunity to go this weekend to Mexico with my friend Derek's church. I did not even know it was an option for me until Saturday but I am ecstatic to go. I absolutely love the church that I currently attend and have no desire currently to change. However, one of the things I love about Derek's church is they are a Bible church but one that flows much different then ours. The one I attend is very organized and structured and at times this can make it difficult to bend. I love that about it because I myself often need the structure.

With that said I myself am an artsy person who loves change and is more lax. (Is that a word?) What I am looking forward too is the bit of change in a more relaxing way. Let me give you an example. I did not know I could go this trip until tonight and was able to call and just tell them I would be there Friday at 6pm for departure. This goes well with my mind frame as I can spend time planning details filling out papers, applications and fundraising, but I can also just go. This is so exciting as I have such a passion to pursue ministry opportunities everywhere and with different tribes and people. The other great thing is I get along well with knew people and can not wait to hang out and do ministry alongside of one old friend while meeting about 60 or 70 new ones. We are going to build houses, meet people and spend time with the children, bring food and do many other ministry activities. They are just more lay ed back and so I am excited to spend a weekend serving my God alongside His people.

Prayer would be greatly appreciated as I am leaving work a bit early to head out toward P.V. where we will be departing at about 6 P.M. Plus, I am leaving the country with no passport or birth certificate. (Though you could never accidental mistake me for a native) Please pray for us as I want so much to serve with a pure heart and to go out of my way to show God's light. (Especially since I am forgetting more and more Spanish every day) This, is another thing I so desperately want to pursue and plan to take part in our Spanish church ministry on Sundays soon. SOooooooooooooooo excited...yep!

Wife Swap

DISCLAIMER: I do not necessarily believe any of the ways these people live...in fact I am usually seriously desturbed by it and have learned there are things to pray for that I had not even thought of before. And with that said...

So, I know this is not really considered a true form of educational T.V. but I rather enjoy watching Wife Swap. It is a series where they seem to choose two completely opposite families and the wives switch places for a two week period. Durring the first week they are to abide by the rules of the household. Then week two they decide the rules and the house must then follow the way they choose to run things. Then, at the end they do a recap and the wives sit down and confront the other family.

The show runs about one hour long and each time they pick such an odd combonation. Let me give you an example of two of my favorites. Last week there was an episode where they took your typical Hollywood mom and swapped her with a country girl. They really like to pick extreme examples for this show and believe it or not it is very interesting to watch. Tonight I was a little skeptical as I was not entirely sure I wanted to commit that hour to the television when there is cleaning and sleeping to do. But, I tuned in to see what would happen. And believe it or not, this one made me cry.

Tonights show swapped a woman who was litterally a servant in her house. She totally gives a new definition to housewife. She did everything around the house and let the husband rule over her. Her only rooms of the house were the kitchen and laundry room. She dressed in her husbands old hand-me-downs, served his friends and let him have all say over house, time, and money as she even had to ask for money any time there was something to buy. Her opposite, was a lady named Bella. Bella was a "goddess" and head of a wikan church. Her life was spent in worship to her. Her husband did all the work, all the cleaning, and she spent time practicing her witch craft. There entire house was full of things from broomsticks to eye of newt (aka lizards that were dead and in a jar). They talked with fairies, talk to elves and have a small group of followers that come over all the time to serve and practice ceremonies.

Now, you can only imagine how difficult this switch would be. Now, I am not saying that this show is full of moral values, but it is very interesting to watch. After the first week, the two women come in and get to play by their own rules. This, is my favorite part to watch as I get to see what kind of changes occur. I have to let you know right now I do not condone either behavior but I do think it is a fun show to watch as I try to understand people more fully. After they spend the second week trying to impart their values on the other family things get even rougher, but they also seem to leave some great changes in place. That, is my favorite especially as each of them (husbands and wives) get a different perspective on their family and life. I know, they are still unbelievers and don't live for anything that will last, but I still love to see the positive effects the wife swap has.

Tonight, I actually teared up as the father from the wikan family began to cry. He had learned so much the last week. The wife came in and began to clean and take care of the house and cook for once which the guy had done before going to work his twelve hour days at the tattoo parlor. She took the girls, who were used to spending their days studying magic, making brooms, talking to faeries, to cheerleading class, and brought in a real tutor. She also helped the man learn what it was to be a man and a father. He began to come home from work every night to eat dinner with the family, he also began teaching his children about building things and fixing them. He broke the plate, the alter to the wikan church, the one symbol of all they had stood for. At this moment, he decided he was waisting his life and he needed a change. His response at the end was so heartwrentching as he began to cry when he told his wife it was to be all about the family and not their "church." Yep, and when he teared up I couldn't help it.

The other guy learned some lessons as well. He learned how hard it was to have to ask for money every single time you needed to buy anything and also what it was like to spend all your time cleaning and serving. The young boy learned to do laundry and some chores. When his wife returned he had learned to include her in his activities, to buy her some girlie clothes rather then his old ones, and to let her have a day to herself. In both of these houses the women also learned a lot thought I thinkk we see more of what the guys learned. Anyways it is a great show...I think and so I had to share. Besides when is the last time you got choked up watching T.V.?

Difficult returns

We arrived home safely from a weekend away up in the town of Williams. It was beautiful and an amazing weekend where I met so many great and fun people. The day we left I had decided to work on some artwork literally up to the point of departure. I decided to use a vs. from second Corinthians, the one that has been posted under the heading on my blog. The vs. is II Cor 4:16-18 So we do not loose heart. Though our outer nature is waisting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

This has become such an awesome vs. to me because it applies in so many ways. I need to be focused on the eternal but it is so difficult when we live in the temporal. The funny thing is that nothing seems temporal. Well, I was listening to the radio as I was getting packed to go and this was the vs. that they read off. I began to be worried as I knew God had put it in my heart to make something I could see often as a reminder of it and now I was listening to it on the radio. My heart was beging to prepare for something not great to happen because out of fear and trying to protect myself from all hurt, that is what I do. Then, after an amazing weekend we finished our last message this morning with this as the subject. Now I began to worry big time. Our pastor preached about how after weekends like these to be prepared for something to happen to pull our focus back of the cross. I sat there but thought there is nothing I will return home to that could be that bad. It is funny how wrong we can be.

What I am speaking of in it's essence does not matter but my response will. It is something that I already had been dreading for quit sometime which makes it even worse on so many levels. Though, it was something I had been through over and over again and so I just cried out to God and begged Him to just help me get it this time so that I don't have to hurt this way again. I don't know if it is over yet or if it is something that will happen again. But, as tears stream down my face and my eyes burn I am sitting here and trying desperately to see God's plan in this.

God answered one of my prayers but how often does He answer the way we want? So, I am just going to fall before Him and thank Him for that. Everything in me wants to run and get away, or to hate God. The warm, salty, tears only remind me that if I don't learn what it is that God is trying to make me see, that He will bring me through it again. Maybe it is a matter of the fact He doesn't want me to run anymore. Maybe it is simply a matter of never trusting my heart to be right about anything...ever. Or, maybe he just wants me to trust Him for all things. Right now, I am struggling to breath.

I am trying to learn to run to Him rather then from Him and to remember every vs. that talks about the reasons things happen. My friends, I don't want to talk to. My family, unbelievers who will only discourage me more. My flesh, wants to put everything about me down. I hate the physical response to pain. Meanwhile I am going to try to seek God and run to His arms for every trouble, every trial, and to lead me through every situation. And hopefully, I will not back off from my relationships with people in my life as that is another tendency I have.

I want to open up my life for God to move to action elsewhere. I don't want worldly success so I want God to direct all aspects. I think I would rather take out my creativity and my feelings in art and music and poured out in words to my Savior. I want my life to change. He promises me everything if only I can give Him anything. I give my soul and everything that I am and hope for once I can give it up without holding on to even one little corner. So, we shall see what plans God has for me...and the morning is a new day. And broken, never feels sweet. But, when God needs to sever something from your life it will be painful but if it captivates you more then Him at anytime it must be done. The struggle will be to find encouragement from an all to discouraging situation. Please just read this song. That my friends is my fairwell.


Sweetly Broken-
To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink Of its work I do sing
For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed Showed that God is love
And God is just

Chorus: At the cross You beckon me You draw me gently to my knees, and I am Lost for words, so lost in love, I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given Through Christ crucified
You’ve called me out of death You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath Now through the cross I’m reconciled

Chorus: In awe of the cross I must confess How wondrous Your redeeming love and How great is Your faithfulness (2x’s) Chorus: Label: Vineyard Music you with a song.
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Mornings......Dreadful things.

Have I mentioned that I don't like the a.m. hours. (Except for the ones that come after 12 p.m.) Everyday that alarm goes off and everyday it is a battle to get up. I don't usually get up in a bad mood but I am not excited about it. The only reason I get out of bed is discipline. (Or, if I know I can eat breakfast and then go right back to sleep.) I know if I do not that I will be late, or not get something finished or not get to work. So, as the alarm goes off I may hit snooze, but even that is a debate. I wish that we could all get up at about 10...that would be so nice. So, enough about mornings other then I can simply not fathom morning people. I know in Caborcca I was accused of being one. It is a lie. I just generally find it easier when not alone in the waking up process. And of course there I am not going to "work" but rather serving the Lord. So, that is actually fun for me. Getting up and singing everyone else awake while making breakfast. Oh, but I really must get ready now as the dark, cool, room is making me fall back to sleep even though I have attempted some caffeine for the day. Farewell. I hope you are all sleeping.

Too much information

I have just returned to town from an amazing mind and thought clearing weekend. It began Friday evening and is not quite over yet. I won't bore you to death with details of Starbucks and shopping Friday night, to H.I.N.T.S. at church on Saturday morning and now my arrival from ShowLow. So, I will just have to leave you with a few highlights. The weekend has left me with an amazing new bed set (courtesy of the Poosch's :) and a mind full of ideas for table pieces, parties, scrapbooking and decorating. Basically it was about an entire day of fantastic girl stuff. The weekend has also left me with a new outlook on God. Saturday as soon as H.I.N.T.S. was over I threw my duffel bag together, jumped in my jeans and baseball cap and traveled to ShowLow with my best friend. It had been some time since we had really spent time together and I needed some time to process some ideas I had been chewing on.
Five P.M.-we found out 1 hour before leaving my family had changed the locks to the door and I did not know how we would get in. Somehow I managed to get a hold of a guy about 20 minutes outside of ShowLow that had our key. We were going to meet him at about 9 p.m.

Eight forty five P.M. -We arrive at extremely sketchy gas station called Spears Market. I am a bit freaked because the place is dark except for one light outside. The parking lot is dirt and there are two pumps for gas. The market is fairly small and seems deserted but the truck parked off to the side makes me rather nervous. I was totally wishing we had a guy in the car but instead I relied on God. Then I had to call Charlie as we had just driven about three hours and he was not answering his phone so we though we would have to stay in a hotel for the evening.

Nine five P.M.-Charlie answers and finally is on his way to meet us as I am now extremely uncomfortable in my present surroundings. (In fact when I am nervous in dark scary places I do not put my car in park in case I have to drive quickly away from something though my foot remains on the breaks and I change my direction every couple minutes)

Nine fifteen P.M.-Charlie arrives with my keys in a dirty white pick-up smoking a cigarette next to the gas pump. (This seems safe.) He hands me the five new keys to our new door and then proceeds to tell me that we probably have a rat in the house and so there is bait out but he found one drowned in a bucket. Right about now the sign lit up before me displaying a hotel with a indoor jacuzzi is looking pretty good but to save money we trudge on to our little house.

Nine thirty five P.M.- We arrive at the house and excitedly find the water turned on. This is helpful as I don't particularly enjoy trudging through trees alone in the dark to find the turn on. Next Mandy helps me grab some wood from the woodpile for a fire as the heat is not on and it is about 5o degrees. It is dark and so I am a bit nervous but we take two logs from the top and enter the house.

Ten thirty five-I have finally managed a fire using a burn log and some newspaper. (I am a girl what do you expect. Oh, and now I have some particularly attractive black soot marks all over my arms and hands and jeans) Now I sit until the flames have died and then to bed.

Sevenish A.M.- My "best friend" just happens to be a morning person and can not fathom that some of us our not. She bothers me until I finally get up though I am not happy about it.

Eight thirty A.M.-I am not happy but am ready to go. We jump in the car and head to the only Starbucks in Pinetop. (it is non-corporate by the way) N

Nine A.M. -We drive and I decide to take this road and travel all over through cool woodsy areas. I then stumble upon a lake and a rather cool path. We decide to park, put on our tennis shoes and then go for a nice walk/hike. So pretty.

Ten forty five A.M.-We go dollar store hopping until our favorite restaurant, El Rancho, opens. After lunch the clouds have rolled in and though I would really like to find something to go off roading in the storm will not permit it.

Twelve thirty P.M. -Still no chance for boating, fishing, or off roading we decided on a nap. The windows opened the rain begins. It rained for the entire night. In fact it was still pouring that evening.

Four thirty P.M.-We are up from the nap and off to this really cool restaurant that overlooks a very small lake. We stay there and drink coffee in front of the fire till 6:30

Seven P.M. - Off to purchase a book for the duration of the evening. I purchase the latest Harry Potter. Then we arrive back at the house and it is pouring. I was wondering how I was going to get the wood in the house dry. Funny how God even provides the tiny details. A plastic black bag was located on top of the pile of burn logs. So outside I went. It was really dark and I suddenly became nervous about the log pile so I went inside to get a flashlight. I turned it on to the pile also to discover God had also provided a very large wolf spider as well as webbs everywhere. I froze unable to move. Finally I snuck closer and was able to get one or two small pieces of wood before Mandy came out and helped me with two more.

Seven thirty P.M- The fire was roaring and I was set for the night. I spent some moments in prayer with the Lord and then planted my self in front of the fire until I had read through about 160 pages. Then to bed.

We spent much of today traveling to Christopher Creek and swinging by Saguaro Lake. It was so beautiful and now tonight, we are off to dancing. What a perfect weekend. However the amount we traveled this weekend also reminded me of one extremely unhandy problem. This is the part where you will really get too much information. I just have to tell you how problematic it is for girls to have to go to the bathroom. Guys, I have never been jealous of anything except sometimes your ability to control your emotions. However, it is very difficult to always have to be searching for a bathroom because it is not so easy to squat in the middle of the woods while it is cold and rainy. And let me just tell you there is something scary about most outhouses...sometimes I prefer the cacti to the inside of those. They are often secluded, can be very dark, full of spiders, smelly and not to mention a million other things. I am afraid to touch anything in them including the toilet. How often do you have to mummify the toilet seat? Oh, goodness what an interesting problem. Oh, and in one particular bathroom at Woodlake there were no doors on the stalls. This may not be new for guys but think of how potentially awkward it is when you are a female, there are two stalls, and at any moment someone could walk in and see you. Yep, it is great being a girl.

Seriously...

1. Some of us will always be night people-that is why Starbucks stays in business.
2. People are crazed and dangerous when there is coffee involved. In fact even during road construction they will take out barricades, speed over parking spots and generally circle like vultures until they find the entrance. It is no wonder that the Starbucks symbol is a Siren.
3. Straightening shampoo has a very odd effect on curly hair...especially when you never actually straighten it.
4. Old people are much smarter then you may think. I ordered a cake for my personal banker at work from a lady who was probably in her late 70's. Other then the fact that she had to ask me a couple times what color I wanted the frosting she did it correctly. I then had to pick the cake up the next morning only to find out that the frosting color had changed from pink to blue because someone must have assumed Chris was a boy and that she did it wrong.
5. Ferrets when lost and then found (this is not a spiritual term) are liked crazed animals. One of mine seems to get lost several times a year and when I do find her she acts crazy, and drunk.
6. Pale is the new tan! OK so it is not really but I am still hopeful.
7. Just because your the Spirit champ does not mean you have spirit. (Also not a spiritual term)
8. Blond dye does not make you a blond though it does dry out your hair and may cause some loss of brain cells.
9. Corporate credit cards are fun especially when you are allowed to shop without spending money that is yours.
10. Your sheets don't have to match anything in your room such as your curtains, blanket, etc...(well maybe it does but mine don't)
11. Dancing is a sport. (That is not a joke so don't smile)
12. Girls are like roller coasters...OK so maybe not but it often feels like it. But then again that is just me relying on my feelings.
13. Apparently guys are like waffles...they are square.
14. Purses seem at times like carry on luggage though in an emergency I don't want to be left stranded with gum, lip gloss, and mascara.
15. Tattoos last longer then most relationships.
16. I can't spell. And sometimes even if I know how I prefer to spell words my way because they look better. I actually just learned blonde is spelled without an e but I don't like to spell it that way.

Songs can only describe...

"...holding my heart out but clutching it too..."
~Nicklecreek

"...faith isn't faith without fire..."
~Kristie Braselton

"...the scars remind us that the past is real..."
~Papa Roach

"...let me know that you hear me, let me know your touch, let me know that you love me and let that be enough..."
~Switchfoot

The Lost

So this may be very short but tonight my brother went to church with me. It was the second time in a year and a half that I have even seen him (the first time being Friday and only the second time in 5 years). My brother is an unbeliever and so the few times I see him I try and share with him some truth. I don't want to waist time dwelling or explaining our past but I will tell you the last time I saw him he came to church with me as well. The difference this time was the lack of a girlfriend to distract him through the entire service. So, my brother Chad went along with me to Junior high ministry as well as the main service. During the service I could tell that he was listening and he even used my Bible a bit. Then it came to worship and my heart filled with joy as he sang the words. That moment also broke my heart and my eyes began to tear up. I realized he sang words of truth , words of worship, words calling on the Lord and singing "Jesus, Lord and Savior." This broke my heart as I realized that he may never know what those words meant, he may never be saved. We spoke afterwards and there are some things he is chewing on. Now all I can do is pray and pursue. I just don't want my brother to live a life void of God and never spend eternity with Him. The lost who don't even know that they are lost. That is a sad truth that is a call to action.

Laundry

Some of you live a very organized and compartmental life. Some of us definitely do not. I was chatting with a customer in the lobby today and she sounded much like myself in regards to our organizational problems. Not only are we female so our minds run in all directions at any given moment and on any subject, but the both of us have very much our own organizing systems. In fact, she told me that her sister was so clean and organized she had a basket in the doorway organizing thing that was just for her.

So all this discussion led us to chatting and then I think I realized how funny we might seem to others. My room, though very much organized to me is perhaps not really under the category of organized. I really love things to be clean but sometimes my lack of official organizing and my ability to get overwhelmed when things don't seem organized can cause me some difficulty in this. Let me give you one example. It takes me forever to get laundry completed or so it seems because I have a very specific way that I do it. It usually does not get done often as I can't stand doing loads in between because I want it all done a certain way and to ensure that process must spend time at home with it. All of my laundry gets sorted first by color. Now from what I hear normal people just sort colors and then whites. I am not going to claim normalcy here but I will claim consistency.

I literally sort by color shades. Pinks and reds go in one section along with a certain tone of brown. Beige and yellow shades in another pile. Blues and some greens are allowed to be in pile three. Then of course there are blacks and then the pile of whites. I try to fit everything in these 5 sections. Then depending on the size of the section I may also sort out by textures and dark or lighter shades. For instance, blue shirts I usually wash together but blue jeans only get washed with other jeans. Or pink t-shirts may not be washed with pink work shirts that are lacy or of nicer fabrics. Then, after each load is finished it is time to pull it out of the dryer before it even has time to wrinkle as I dislike ironing more then you know. In fact I have ironed one thing in the last five years and it was a pattern I was ironing on a shirt.

Next is the putting away process. If I am being very lazy it will get draped across my desk as folding can create wrinkles. Then when it is time to put it away I have a very specific way to do that as well. Most people probably put things in their closet by the item it is. You know-shirts all together and then pants or some order like this. All the things I hang up are organized and my non-hang-up items go in specific places with no organization at all. So, when I hang things up they go from dresses in the back to jackets at the other end with all the rest in between (tank tops, skirts, pants, shirts, jackets, coats). But from this point I also organize by color and type. Like my shirts for instance. There are many types of shirts and many different colors. I tried organizing about a month ago just by color and not by type but I hated it and went back to my old system. So shirts get organized first by style; t-shirts, stretch t-shirts, babydoll, non-cotton, short-sleeve collared, and then collared. Then they are sorted by color. So I may have only one pink baby doll shirt but if I have a red it may be near the red. You would never find a pink by a green by a black by another green as that would be utter closet chaos.

So all in all you may now be thinking I am crazy or that I am actually very organized. In reality that is so not the truth though I try desperately. Me and my customer actually had a very funny chat about that problem this morning. I joked about needing a husband someday who has a great sense of focus, direction, and organization (not to mention about a thousand other qualities I don't have. )We both have a very bad habit of leaving stuff in random places (which are not random to us) around the house or in other peoples houses. I am famous for having something of mine at each of my friends houses and perhaps not realizing it till I am looking for it later. Also, when I have not been off for a week or spend time cleaning you can follow my circle. It's not necessarily a messy trail, but just some strategically located items located around the house. So when I leave I must go through this trail to make sure not only that I am fully dressed for public (that is another story as I once made it out of the house one morning forgetting I had only a tank top and flip-flops on which is not too strange except when your on your way to work....at a bank. I had forgotten my make-up and my jacket and nylons and had to run back inside ) but also that I have hit all the important spots. So in conclusion I will just say we had a great conversation in which we could not only relate but also laugh over.

Still learning...far from knowing.

Preface: If you have not read my last blog I would much rather you read that one because this one will be about the opposite sex....again.

I was reading through the Bible the other day and ran across a vs. that talks about patience. However, there was an important part that I had never noticed before. It was talking about having PATIENCE WITH JOY. That is interesting I thought as I so often work on patience but in regards to certain subjects do not always have it with joy. Not to say I do not live my life with joy because that would be untrue but I do not wake up every day and praise God for yet another day of singleness. (Though really I should as marriage is not for my sake and will only serve to serve someone else before myself and for God to further refine me.)

Let me just begin by telling you some great things I am learning and then I will vent as that seems like a smarter way of telling stories and since most of you won't want to read it anyways it will give you the important stuff first. God has been yet again wearing me down to the point I am simply tired and exhausted. Liking anyone for any period of time can make someone very tired. Especially when there is little to no guarantee that the person you like is interested in any person and that includes you. So, I took some of this frustration and others and chatted late one evening a few weeks ago with Lynne. She reminded me how important that it is for me to focus on Christ and made it a bit more practical. I literally sobbed as I sat there and "threw up" some situations to her. It can be so difficult and so frustrating to try and pursue Christ with all you have, when people (guys ) can be a distraction. I just confessed how tired I was of all of them. The one I like the ones I don't as there is too much thinking and effort involved and it can grind a person down.

Sometimes it is just admiring or noticing a guy that you like. Just like guys have to struggle daily with purity and thinking things they shouldn't girls struggle daily with how they think of guys. It is a different manner but just as guys are so prone to think of sex girls are so prone to think of guys and it is so hard to take that captive and focus on the Lord. I can not tell you how much pain and heart-ache this can bring about especially as you don't think talking about guys you like is a sin. Really though it may not entirely be your focus but if it occupies your mind it can be a sin. Especially if there is nothing between you at all. Even if there is if the time is not right and they do not belong to you or you spend too much time letting your thoughts wonder you are allowing yourself to push God aside and can make a person your idle. Let me tell you just about every girl I know likes some guy who is completely clueless to it. And as a girl we don' t do anything and even if we did I am not sure what it would be. If a guy does not pursue you just try to move on and hope that one of the ones you like will in return notice you. So, after a tear filled evening I realized how much I don't think of the situation like that and fail to take my thoughts captive.

Just like every other girl it seems I am completely confused by how guys think. I don't know why the ones you would never like often seem to like you. I can not fathom how when I wear a ring on my wedding finger I still get guys at the bank who ask me out and one who is very consistent and trys a new angle every Friday. I can not begin to pretend I know what you do when you like a guy and your confused. What on earth is O.K.? Nicole actually joked about this with me a couple weeks ago as I finally updated her on my "boy life." I had not mentioned it since summer camp and then when I told her she gave me three or four options.

1. Talk to him and tell him
2. Talk to Lynne and tell her-or at least ask her opinion and update her
3. Let go of him and assume he does not like you
4. Propose

Funny though the only option I thought of as real was number 2 and I have already told you about that one. Then of course there is number 5. which I will add. Do your best not to like anyone and just assume if they have not pursued that they do not like you. I don't know. She then asked Justin his opinion with out giving him any names or details and he said do not tell him because when Nicole told him it was awkward. I agreed with him and decided to work desperately on 5. (Then of course there is always spending some serious time with Jesus so He becomes the only guy in my life)

I actually read a book Lynne had bought for the girls. I finished it the same day I read it as did Amy and not because it was entirely full of new information, but because ever since the fall of man ( I am guessing here) but we have struggled to understand the opposite sex. The book was called "What every young woman needs to know." I think...and it was good though there were not any seriously "enlightening" moments. Well, maybe one. The fact women would rather feel loved and men respected. A funny opposite which I will not bother to go into great detail about. Basically there is little else to conclude or tell. I am desperately seeking God's wisdom and His joy in patience as that may be the only thing He is trying to teach me (though I am sure there are so many others) I want to see what He is trying to show me and teach me. Patience with joy, patience with joy....

Moved to Action

I have just spent about the last hour or so "unpacking" this weekends Food for the Hungry Conference. It is amazing how God can use one comment, one situation, one weekend to shift your focus an entirely different direction. For some reason God wanted me there this weekend because I thought about bailing out a couple times and it turned out something kept me there. That is why I want to share it with you because God has dual purposes for what He teaches us and I want to give others an insight into the weekend. I can not possibly pretend to be able to explain everything to you but I do want to give you some of the highlights with a brief thought or explanation.

Bill Clark

• Are we too pre-occupied with life?

Talk about something to think about. I was sitting in the pew that night reflecting even beforehand about sacrifice and what I would be willing to give up. It is one thing to say it and entirely different to act upon it. As he began this session I sat with an EDU-Go pamphlet (talking about a semester of study in Africa, which I seriously considered for a few minutes)sitting on my lap. Wondering if I would ever have what it takes to give it all up for God's glory-everything from my job, my time, my money and go in faith.

• "Your life would never be the same if..."

What would you do for the Lord? Would you do something so radical that it would change your life or will we just stay comfortable? I think about this a lot before I jump into anything and then usually I don't jump. I might tip-toe around a bit but it is like the scene with Jesus walking on water. Would I have stepped out of the boat to follow or would I have held on to the edge and touched the water first with one foot and then the other fearing to trust?

• What do you invest your life in?

Yes, I give some of my time and some of my money to the Lord. But, what do I invest my LIFE in? What do I live for? Often myself. I pursue my desires, my needs, my career, the relationships I desire...Do I live that my name might be known or do I live that His name might be known?

• Fears (1 of 3 given) - That getting involved might have some type of sacrifice.

What would life be if there was not a sacrifice involved. It would mean the commitment level was luke-warm and mediocre. Everything we TRULY invest in will take sacrifice. So maybe that is why people never truly let go in life because we are afraid of sacrifice. I know I think hard before I invest in another ministry, another relationship, giving my money to another cause. What I need to consider here is when I don't decide to invest is it based off the fact that the availability is there but the selfishness and fear decides otherwise?

Scottie Smith

• Profitable worship-is pre-occupied with satisfying the worship consumer
• Prophet-able worship- is consumed with God's glory...by feeding the hungry, working for justice, and pushing back the effects of the fall...offering the "mercy songs" that really are "music in God's ears."
• The Bible calls us to costly living not more liturgy.

How true is this? We know we are called to gather together on a regular basis but the Bible calls us to live in such a way that we pick up our cross daily and follow Christ. Wow! How often do we hide in churches and service when those things are easier then living costly. Living costly is expensive and we live cheap. We are far too easily pleased as I believe Piper may have said.

• "Go preach the gospel and do it in words if you must." -St. Francis of Assissi

Again what a conviction. Use words and proclaim the gospel but don't even hide behind words. Live in words and deed for we spend less time talking and more time "act"ing in the day. It's like when God tells us He desires obedience and not sacrifice. Yes, He wants our lives and everything in them and that is a sacrifice but sacrifice of itself gains nothing. If you fast for the sake of sacrifice what have you gained? If you give to someone in need yet still allow yourself food and other luxuries have you not been obedient as well as sacrificed?

• Care for the orphan and the widow for this is music to my ears.

How is it that we worship? It is not just in song for worship is our life, our song.

• People come to the Lord to get something from Him rather then to give to Him.
• In Eden there was no spot set aside for worship because everything they did was worship.

Jena

Students, Water, and Aids

• a beginning
• Bringing clean water helps. Clean water is better for the immune system. If water is provided it brings time, community and helps with health. Most of the sources of water are far away and so it takes much time from the children and mom's as they must travel to carry buckets of water everyday from unclean sources. Their immune systems are very weak and poor water does not help.
• The mission: to build wells and help with medical efforts in villages in Africa
• $1 will provide water for an African for a year
• http://www.bloodwatermission.com/
• "Our knowledge now demands our action." -Jars of Clay
• "Bloodwater mission rescues people in Africa from dirty water and in America it rescues us from trivia and boredom." -Jena quoting someone else

After spending an hour and a half in the Blood:Water Mission discussion my mind was running with ideas that I am going to help implement in the World Ministries at our church. That is still to follow as there is much more to do before they are concrete and there are several more discussions to have with Mike as well as Lynne J. However, I do have to tell you it stirred me up to move to action and left my mind churning with ideas for about an hour. I am very excited about what is to come and though can not mention it yet know that we can accomplish something with God's help.

Scottie Smith (later on)

Revelation 21:1-5

And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea. And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God [is] with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, [and be] their God.
And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful.

• How do we find ourselves in that story?
• When God tells us to show up what does that mean?
• The tear wiping hand of God reaches into our lives "so that" it may extend to our neighbors and the nations.
• What parts of your story still need to be accessed by the Father of mercies and the God of all comforts?
• God will use your betrayals, abuse, the evil perpetrated against you, and your weakness as one of the primary conduits of His tear wiping hand.
• DON'T WAIST YOUR SORROWS.

There was so much more packed into a span of roughly 28 hours but I hope there is something you can take from this even if you were not there. I know I am excited and changed in thinking- hopefully that will lead me to stronger actions which will further the change in thought. I can not leave out the lyrics of Derek Webb as him and Sandra his wife (also an amazing singer/songwriter) lead the worship for the weekend.

Rich Young Ruler
(vs. 1) poverty is so hard to seewhen it’s only on your tv and twenty miles across townwhere we’re all living so good that we moved out of Jesus’ neighborhoodwhere he’s hungry and not feeling so goodfrom going through our trashhe says, more than just your cash and coini want your time, i want your voicei want the things you just can’t give me

(vs. 2) so what must we do here in the west we want to follow youwe speak the language and we keep all the ruleseven a few we made upcome on and follow mebut sell your house, sell your suvsell your stocks, sell your securityand give it to the poorwhat is this, hey what’s the deali don’t sleep around and i don’t steali want the things you just can’t give me

(bridge) because what you do to the least of thesemy brother’s, you have done it to me because i want the things you just can’t give me

Strange yet usual things.

Do you ever find yourself talking to things? You know like telling the vacume cleaner to stop trying to eat the rug. Or when you tell the carpet you do no like it you would much rather it be wood. How about talking to yourself? Do you ever talk to yourself while listening to an Ipod and forget that others can hear what your saying? Or better yet do you ever put human thoughts and emotions to describe animals? I do all of the above and needless to say I can tend to come off a bit strange at times. But then really, don't we all?

So what are we really doing when we are talking to inanimate objects? First, we might be complaining which is bad. (Though usually funny in this case) Second, we may just be getting our aggravation out on something that can not possibly hear it, take offense to it, or change itself. What if those "things" hurt us then how do we respond? I remember one time I ran into a wall and decided "it" was definatly responsible for breaking my hand. It could not have possibly been the fact I was playing hide-n-seek through the house and running. What if your mad at "them" how do you take out your anger? Last weekend I had a very long discussion with the vacume as it kept trying to eat the bathroom rugs. I finally had to pull them appart and place them in different rooms since they were unable to get along. So, the other thing I thought of was how we blame inanimate objects for our own mistakes. So the next time you find yourself having a long discussion with a lightbulb hoping you can convince it to either work or get itself out of the light socket it is in remember you are really only trying to comfort yourself in the situation. I think it is that believe that lies in each one of us. You know the one that hope comes from. The one that you have when your watching the exact same movie over and over and somehow you hope a part of it will be different this time then it was the last 150 or so times and then you find out is it the same and you can not handle it so you leave the room. (pretty sure that is a run-on sentance but I don't care to change it)

Then of course comes the obvious talking to yourself. I know this is probably very funny for those who don't and somewhat amusing for those who do. I often get caught talking to myself. Sometimes I am actually just singing quietly to myself and if I am not and someone hears me then I pretend I am singing to myself. I realized it is meerly a thinking of thoughts out loud but some of us very auidble people think out loud and sometimes we don't realize why. If there is something very upsetting, some moment or conversation I am extremely happy about, or just things I am working through I can be found re-living the moments outloud. Not loudly of course but it comes out in mumbles. Oh, and sometimes it gets you in some very awkward and embarrasing situations. I remember one time re-living a conversation with a guy I liked while making drinks on the bar at Starbucks. I was in my zone and forgot about the existance of the other four or five workers arround me. Let me tell you by the color in my cheeks shortly after they heard what I said that I soon remembered where I was. I also find I do this a ton when I am in my car listending to music. I think there is something about listening to music that calms my thinking down but then I realize I am laughing about something that embarrased me earlier, re-living the moment, blushing thinking through it, and litterally remembering the conversation and actions out loud. One day this might be considered crazy but I think it is as sign of intelligence. (or at least that is my argument) It is just part of some ability to multitask, pull scenes from your mind and actually bring the emotions of that situation back.

____________________________________________________________________________________
PART TWO

The last thing I thought fit well here is the way I respond to animals. I currently have four that are mine and one that used to me. Two cats, two ferrets, and my parrot. I know in psycology they tell you never to do this but I always explaing my animals actions as if they were people. For instance, I choose favorites. I have one ferret (Bear) I love much more then the other (Sketch). Yet my older ferret Sketch has a thing for bananas and has my entire family trained to give her one when she stands up on her back legs and puts her nose in the air. Bear really likes fishy crackers but usually we don't have any for her. I love that from the moment she hears me come home I hear her thumping down the stars to say hello. Bear then rolls on her back so I can pet her and rub her tummy. There are also very many funny moments with her. First off she is extremely playful which is why I think she is my favorite. When I wake up in the morning she is often sleeping on the other side of my pillow. She hears the alarm go off, sees the light come on and gives me the look. Turn that light off! (actually she is pretty good this is more the response of my cat Tomi) Then as I go and get ready she follows me all over. Soon after she is a bit more awake it is playtime and she will run and play hide-n-seek with me or some other little game. Then I go to the door to leave and she pouts and waits there till my car drives away.

Then of course there is my bird, Agape. She can be extremely cranky and tempermental though is also super sweet. She can not stand it if I am in the house and she can not be on my shoulder. I can be such a brat to her but I can not stand it when she decides not to go to the bathroom in her cage but rather on my shoulder. Yuck! Plus if she is in a bad mood there is no way she is coming out as her usually sweet kisses become a fat lip for me. She likes very few guys and generally dislikes all girls. She hates it when she thinks I am sleeping or ignoring her, must have a bite or drink of everthing that I have, and is scared to death of hats. She can be very sweet but also very irritating as well. I can't help but think she is adorable when she barks, laughs, whistles, and gives kisses. She will snuggle up really close to my cheek when she is very content and happy.

Then there is Tomi, my cat. She is my favorite cat I have ever had! Usually she comes in at night with me and leaves with me in the morning. She plays mostly outside but if I stay home all day she hangs out inside. She likes to follow me arround and gets very upset if I sit in the computer room or in the living room. She will literally sit on my stairs and yell ( it is not a meow but some crazy cat sound) until I come upstairs in my room to pet her. This can become a rather funny conversation between us as I try and mimic her yelling while I am busy doing other things. Then, once I do go upstairs she will lounge on my bed and stretch out in front of the air as if she could not do it alone. Then when I go to bed she will curl up right next to me unless she wants me to pet her. Then she will lay her head in my hand. If I respond she begins to purr but also has overactive scent glands. Cats when they are happy have a gland in the corners of their mouth so they rub their scent on what "belongs" to them or what they really love. Well, I love her but those glands don't work quit right and she begins to drool. Good thing I really like that cat or she would be outside again. It's so cute because she will finally lay down and she either likes to lay her head back in my hand, or will put her paw on my face, or will grab my hand with her paws and finally go to sleep.

It is funny how we act and even funnier how we bring animals into. Let me just tell you I think some of this is how I crack myself up so much. I am really one of the funniest people I know as I can often make myself laught out loud. That my friends is an whole other issue. ;)

Signatures.

Do you ever spend time thinking about other cultures and how they work? I have had little to no time engulfed in any culture other then American and don't often realize the differences. I am extremely interested in them and the different ways that they do things. At work I tend to see a bit of a range since I work at the bank and people from all over the world use banks.

My first observation is that I can not even pretend to speak a different language though I am very compassionate to those who don't speak my language. I do my best to be very friendly as spending only a week at time in Mexico I can only get a glimpse at how frustrating language barriers can be. Secondly I realize that there are differences in how we write our language. I don't really understand it entirely but I wonder about the signatures in other cultures. People who have been here for quite sometime usually understand that to endorse a check you write your signature (aka often sloppy name in something that can appear as cursive, scribbles and many other forms of signing). If you have not been here for long or just do not understand you will often simply print your name on the line. I see this a lot in the Hispanics that I talk with daily. How do I say "will you please write your name in cursive on the line"? That would seem stupid on my part.

Then I began to wonder about how other cultures write. Do they actually have many ways to write their language like we do? I know grammatically speaking our language can be very difficult for other cultures as apparently we make little sense sometimes. And what about some of the phrases we use? I realize how funny basic expressions are when trying to explain what I just said or asked to the person standing in front of me. So do they have cursive, and shorthand, and calligraphy and the hundreds of scripts it seems we have to write with?

It also made me think about family set-ups and that led me to a discussion with a co-worker. She is from the middle east and often sounds silly trying to offer a customer a credit card as she understands what we say but breaks it down in a much different way when offering it to customers. I just laugh with her but there is so much to try and understand. She is Muslim and so is her family and so I try to find out more about her when time allows. She is married to a man that was arranged by her family. I know that things are different where she lives but I always tease her and tell her I would much rather be single then ever have my real family choose anyone for me. She is also extremely quiet...not anything like me and so I asked her if that was expected of women in her culture or if that was just her. She smiled and said it was just her. I tease her now because she says she is that way at home as well and I never seem to know she is at work. She is so darn quiet she sneaks up and frightens us without meaning to. She told me often her husband does not know she is home. (that will never be one of my problems : )

I guess I am just getting glimpses to other cultures and it is actually very cool. I would much rather learn it this way then through a class. I guess it makes my love for people just that much deeper. I am excited to finally be at a place where I am starting to notice these things and I will see what happens. Now I just hope I can find more time to share at work. God can use anyone at anytime and even if I can't flat out lay out the gospel I hope He is evident in my life and actions. I want to find ways to bring Him up and so still I am still seeking to deepen these relationships. That is all for my late night ponderings tonight.

Prayer

Many of us believe in the power of prayer and the words uttered before the Lord. I love knowing how often and how easy it is to approach is throne and yet sometimes that becomes something I take great advantage of. How often do I really pray? How often do I feel the true weight of sin and confess it? How often do I run flippantly to the throne without first acknowledging God for who He is and what He sent His Son to live and to die for?

I can quickly tell a shift in my attitude when I have not been in the word or prayer for a couple, a few, or even a longer amount of days. My attitude becomes snotty, my frustration is short, my responses become much quicker and of a more selfish nature. I know how important prayer is and that communion time I just don't always take it. I think about other things too much, and suddenly something else begins to captivate me more then my Savior. I realize how stupid this is and how easily it is for us to get there as the entire world is full of distractions demanding our attentions.

There have been many times in life I have been extremely convicted on not spending enough time in prayer. On my mission trips it seems so easy and when I make a set time and place for it. It is when I am lacking this that it becomes so difficult. Then I first can forget to pray for things I said that I would pray for, I forget to ask God first for His guidance in situations, and I forget to converse with my loving Father. How often would I forget to talk with someone that I saw everyday here on earth? Someone who was with me always and everywhere and through everything? For those of you who know me that would never happen as my words are not few and far between. I just wish it was not so easy to do with God.

When I loose contact even for a couple days with people I care about here it upsets me quit a bit. I long to see them or sit and talk with them and hear and tell and just spend time with them. How much more do I need that with the Lord and how often I fail. So, that will be my plan for the next couple weeks as there have been some heavy convictions as of late. I don't want to ignore those convictions and I know when I follow Him it changes things entirely. So, always a work in progress....

Any prayer request? I had thought of this before as I used to send out a text on Friday nights asking for prayer request. Now one of my friends keeps it up but she does it on Sunday nights.

Judgement or grace?

Lately, God has been teaching me a lot about how situations appear. I am usually the first to argue a different side to a perspective in order to give someone the benefit of the doubt. I usually find that many times the things I say or the things I write come off completely different then I mean for them two and so having my self been misjudged quit often I try very hard to figure out who someone really is. What about my own misconceived perceptions? I am human and am not void of preconceived notions that are entirely wrong and create a judgement of someone without giving them the voice to explain or finding out the truth behind the words.

There have been more then a few people in the last week that I have realized some of my own quick judgments about. We all seem to either know or be someone who is very quickly labled. Something they say sounds like...., they have a history of so they will always go back to...., they are boy/girl crazy, they are too much like...., you know what fills in the blanks. But what then of grace? What of the way that Christ tells us to love each other and encourage one another, to stir one another to love in good deeds?

We are called to give grace to those undeserving as we too are undeserving and to not forget that God has a purpose for each one of us in the body. We need to encourage each other and build each other up and put our hope and trust that Christ will finish the work in each one of us. Some of us are not from believing families and are always going to have an unchurchy past, some of us are from church families but are still human as well. Some people just need to be given a chance....over and over and over again as the Holy Spirit is working through us. We need to believe others can change rather then assume they will always fall in a life given completely over to sin.

I have been on the side where it felt like I kept ending up in the same spot, the same confort zone over and over again. It was sad because I did love God and still do and tried so hard to pursue him. People in my life were very quick to judge my mistakes and always assume I was going to end up back there again. Everytime I said something they did not understand I was left trying to defend myself again. Leadership and close friends always seem to jump to the wrong conclusion quickly. At some point, or many points I would give up for my past was easier then always dealing with people in my life who always questioned my motives and always assumend the worse. There is power in the body even if it is a negative power. We need to remember the effect we have on someone especially when all they get is judgement from us. Let us remember we are called to help someone pursue Christ and throw the rest away. That does not mean it is our job to beat them up everytime that they make a mistake.

So even toward people in my life now I am going to pursue those who may seem like they are struggling. I am so encouraged to see people, give them a chance and leave it to God to do the rest. It is not my job to perfect them nor yours but Christ's. I am thankful that He reminded me that someone once gave me a chance and she believed that I would do better. There was not a judgement and expectation that I would fall, but rather the expectation that I would pursue God and that I could live a life for Him. I too needed this reminder but it has renewed my love for people that were once like me, or those who are nothing like me....basically the need to show grace and love.

I want to cast a light not a shadow.

Conviction is present as always so that God may keep us where we belong. It is a manner that pride fights against and the response is of great importance. I have been thinking lately about how I am perceived in all situations as I can tell a difference in my manner and attitude when I spend even a day ignoring God. I know how important prayer is and how much the word affects our lives as well as allows God to speak to us. Why then can I allow myself so much time out of it?

I had a rather difficult conversation last week during lunch with one of the unbelievers at work I was trying to share with. She smarted off a statement saying "your one of the most judgmental people I have ever met". Of course I had to respond but it was not out of anger, rather hurt. She stated that because of what I look for in guys and said that is what makes me so judgmental toward others. She wanted to know where I get off and has basically made fun of me every comment I have made. This was difficult to swallow and my response was simply I am not judging them and I think nothing less of them but that doesn't mean I have to date them. She was just angry at the fact that I refuse to give in to what she thinks and everything the world was telling me. I was sad and hurt because I don't want to come off that way but I am unwilling to change either.

I called a friend during lunch and was pointed back to scripture. I knew it and but I was thankful to hear it. Then, the next morning during my quiet time I stumbled upon the price of being a believer. The vs. that talk about giving everything up for God and that there will be a price and it should be very costly. This made me feel so much better but also was hard to take in. I so often forget as my life can at times be too easy. I can forget to share as it is increasingly difficult where I am at, I can forget to love, to pray, to read and to put Him first. That is when my life begins to block the light and to cast a shadow.

I plan on trying to pray more, harder, longer and more purposeful. God may never take everything from my life but I know that He wants me to be at a place that at any moment He could take it all away and I would still love Him just as much. I want to be a reflection of Him, not something that hides Him. That, is a constant battle with self, time, and the world.

Thank you Father for your Spirit that dwells in us. I ask that it would be the light and strength that guides me. You tell us to ask, may I never be so prideful that I forget that. May I always be willing to give up even that which you have caused me to wait and be patient for. May my deepest longings be always for you and my trust overflow. I pray you would drive my prayer and own my heart...each and every beat you allow, every breath that flows through my lungs. May I be a light, not a shadow.

Looking up.

I looked up as I usually do and today was just amazed at the way God painted the sky. This seemingly simple subject never to me seems commenplace. Just about everytime that I am outside I can not help but look up to see what it is that God has made today. And, I am not dissapointed as the greatest artist can not make something unbeautiful. It is one of those moments when you see something beautiful you stare and you are breathless. The kind you want nothing to cause you to look away.

There is much to love of the sky. At night, there is the moon, the stars and sometimes dark clouds, shooting stars, comets and eclipses. Durring the day it is sun, clouds, rainbows, the moon, sunrises, sunsets and lighting. Today I looked at the many types of clouds he put together. Large puffy, lone clouds, masses of many dark clouds, swirley ones, bright ones, some traveling, some suspended in place, smooth thin clouds, smeared ones where it was raining, some with lighting flashing. What else could show God's glory, His beauty, His power, or His hand in creation more then the heavens?

I guess I am even more remided of each and every stroke He puts in us. He tells us in Psalms how He knit us together in our mothers womb. How detailed is our God. From every eyelash to every toe He created us for Himself, the masterfull and purposful artist. Too bad we are not as amazed that He made us so fearfully and wonderfully as we are when we see the sky. No, we are more prone to admire others and look to what lines and curves or lack of curves they have...Well, He is the maker, the artist and I like that he makes things so full of variety. When did you ever hear a piece of clay talking back to the one who made it and complaining about the way it looked or wanting to be made for some other purpose. Can you imagine if your cup just began to complain about the roses you painted on the side of it? Or better yet if it begged you to let it be a plate rather then a cup. The sky today would not have been as beautiful had He not mixed all the clouds I would have never put together. Besides the outside I love the fun mix of personality, humor, passion, love, intelligence, and all the things that make us different. He knows better and today was such a reminder of that.

What are you on the planet for?

You know the verses in the Bible that speak about the body and it's many parts? What about those that talk about what we are to live for? Or, if you were around the Paasch's this weekend the new question is something along the lines of what are we made for? (But each person answers specifically about what they think they are made for. Well, I don't know for sure what God will do but I can tell you what I know.

My answer to the question was God made me with lots of passion for many things and the energy to carry it through. By this I mean there are few things I won't try and very few I won't enjoy. I take the opportunities I see in front of me weighing the importance at the time and searching out their value. That passion and love for about everything mixed with the love God gave me to share with people puts me in many different circles. I love people, I love new people I just sometimes need someone to point them out to me as my focus can be distracted. Once I am focused on something I am very driven and will do my best to keep up and follow up. I will do what I can I just pray my focus will always be right.

So, lately there was something I had been missing. There was something distracting me the last couple months or a number of things and somehow I just felt like I was having a difficult time. It was not till this weekend that things finally began to make sense. I realized through this that though my life was joyful I was missing out on something. My love for sharing the gospel. This excites me more then just about anything and so I felt I had been pushing it aside and throwing other things in my pathway.

We had gone out to Mill a couple weeks ago to share and I had an awesome time yet I was still stand-offish. Somehow I had let my distrust and attitude toward guys specifically take charge and I was focusing more on that in every situation rather then looking for the opportunity to share. I know this seems very silly but I am rather stand-offish with guys and choose to be nice when I want. I did not used to be that way but have just let all the negative situations with guys affect how I would see them. Let me tell you how often they mistake my niceness for flirting. I have even had several of my guy friends at one time or another think it was OK to grab me and kiss me without my permission though only one manage to smack me on the lips. Lynne pointed out there was some sin involved as I am called to love others. I just can be very outgoing and nice and don't like guys who flirt with me, or the ones that try and pick me up. I felt if I just ignored them all, even the good ones, that I would not have to deal with them liking me or getting the wrong impressions. My irritations from customers at work, guys I know who dance, random friends, and the constant feeling of needing to protect my self began to come out in sin. It even began to affect the relationship with the guys in my life who are very important to me and I began to miss their wisdom and company. Still, it is sin and I have been trying to be nice again and be myself and let God do the protecting.

This seeing things differently opened up opportunities I had been ignoring. I am so excited because there is a guy that I met at Starbucks. He is a bit older and has a daughter my age and we have been chatting the last couple mornings. I go there everyday before work to do my quiet time and so I decided one morning to look up from God's word and began to seek out opportunities again as I realized how much I missed sharing. It really is the thing that sparks me the most. When I looked up I found an opportunity and have about another week or two before this guy goes back to California.....I will keep you posted but he said he would meet me there again tommorow for day three of discussion.

The second opportunity this week was with a co-worker. I have three co-workers who are Catholics, three who claim nothing, one who is Muslim, one who goes to the church I go to and another who is a believer and attends a small Bible church but occationally goes to the college group with me. I look for opportunities daily to share but sometimes forget. This week on lunch one day I decided to hang out with one girl who says she is Catholic. I was able to share my testimony and my sisters and completely lay out the gospel for her. I was so excited and I don't think she knew how to respond so she brought up something like a church retreat she had gone to. She will continue to be in my prayers.

My personal banker I am teamed up with also claims to be Catholic. I was able to share with her a couple weeks ago and try to continue it when I get an opportunity. There is also a guy there who I have invited to church on several occations...we will see. I guess I am just really excited and looking for more. I will be pursuing and praying and hope I let nothing drown that passion I have because it robs me of much joy. I can really tell the difference it makes in my life as I lack something when I am not sharing. I know God gifts us for a purpose even if I am only a seed planter I know that is one thing I am made for. That really gets me going and excites me. I don't know anything better.