Simplicity

Tuesday morning and the first day off in a week. I see so much beauty in the world around me. Sometimes it is breathtaking and in the simplest moments I find You. The Creator displays glimpses in the absolute simplicity of life. The world we live in is so full if we will only see it. I cannot help but hold my breath and be overwhelmed by it when I take it in.

I love simplicity. I find joy in beauty in things like coffee or this mornings dirty chai. The sun that shines and moves about the Earth is a constant mood change. Laying in the grass I feel brief burst of wind and in the distance I hear birds that sing to each other. The warmth of the day crawls and hugs my skin as the dampness of the earth soaks into my clothes. If you look one way you see a tree that holds life and whos strength continues to stand as it grows upward towards the heavens. A song comes on in the distance that gives me tingles as the hands slide carefully across the guitar strings. I have goosebumps and my heart stirrs.

I am thinking about days in Seattle one of the worlds perfect places. Latte art and cool weather, the flowers in the market place and fresh fish though I don't care for the taste myself. The way I feel loved or do not rushes into my mind. Sitting in pajamas, messy and curley hair curving about my face and a movie in the background.

Not many people find joy in life or the simplicity of it. Joy for me comes in moments and memories and little things. I like calm and quiet moments. Moments of passion and longing and just enjoyment of the things and people I love. I like to share life. Some of these are guy moments too that I can't help but remember and linger through. Though I have never called one my own I get closer to see what I love about them. I love the simple.

Laying about and chatting. Watching the moon or just being. I love reading into each and every thing and finding meaning that is deeper. The way they affect my heart becomes a physical depth. Feeling lost in someones presence. The scent and warmth of their body though I will not partake. I like the way they have looked at me. I miss more then anything the laughter and childlike playful moments. The one who will do life with me and the one who I can be at rest with. I miss the easiness of the moments but will wait until it is right. I will wait for the one who I will mean something for. I want to be beautiful with someone.

It is not an outward thing though I do love the physical attraction of knowing a man is stronger. There is something so overwhelming and so beautiful about the guys physical presence. Knowing he could overpower you but that he holds you gently. Feeling so treasured and that he does find captivation in you.

Memories. They are precious. They are steps and learning and heartache and feeling stirrers. I would not change it though sometimes I long for that. I will continue forward for Your glory. I see the things Paul gives up in the bible for You. I am not that type as I am made for a partership. I love the emotions and am drawn more to David. I am passionatly drawn to the way he feels. I feel. I know You and thank You for every detail. May I continue to fall into You and become more and more me. Beautiful Lord...Your everything.

More

A bubble bath filled to the brim and a bottle of water off to the side. My eyes are tired yet I want so badly to speak. It is nearing bed for me since in weakness I finally crumble to the floor and settle down before bed. I look forward to the comfort I feel there or at least the attempted feeling. Everywhere I am I look to safety and comfort or a place to just rest.

Rest is a more then physical and begins for me in the mind. I have begun to understand, to be weak, to breakdown but in a beautiful way. I do lay in bed and long to feel the presence of someone near. That tends to be just how I am and so I create the illusion every night by sleeping against a border of pillows and a heavy blanket. It is only an illusion but it feels safer. I cling there, to the safety. So, now before I crawl up the stairs to say goodnight and hit the off day switch, I am contemplating God.

I had such a wonderful time this week having opportunities and discussion where I was able to share. There are few things that stir my heart more or in the same way and I get completely caught up in Him. I was sitting amidst the bubbles this evening and pondering life. I have had such an opportunity to grow this year and things have been ripped from my life in a crushing way. As the layers peel back I begin to see things just as they should be. My heart, my mind, my life is affected and I pray in a way that cannot be taken back.

As things get ripped and torn the bleeding begins and sometimes that is the first time you begin to see. There are some things I finally get and I pray that my life would be a perfect reflection of what You are. As the stress and pain of the day faded slowly away my mind was reminded to pray. Life, is exactly where You want it and where you have it. The clay is not to tell the potter what he is doing wrong (as sometimes I have the audacity to think this way). We can be thankful for what He is doing because it is right.

Single I may remain and though the world focuses on that I know it is more then O.K. More then anything are You and nothing should ever be a replacement for You because it will simply crumble under the stress of that weight. You really are what matters and what everything else centers around. Drawn in and closer I desire Your presence more then anything. May nothing come between because it does not matter. When I am weak, forgive my uncaptivated passion.

Tonight has been a compilation of a composers work coming to a beautiful climax. In life we think those moments and milestones are all based on us but what if they are entirely based on Him. How much I have fallen and may I continue because it is the place I find You that satisfies. It is of course like a song I have found and it came at a perfect turning point in my life. The moment when it hit me that I fill up with so many other things. No wonder my heart was always searching and always longing. I saw if only for a brief second how little it all mattered. And...I am more then O.K. with that. I know what falling in love feels like.

When your in love you pursue, you contemplate, you breathe someone in and cannot wait to be near them. You read every word they write, replay every memory, think on them all the time as the consumption takes over. Your heart stirrs and passions meet head and body. There is aching and longing and desire that is only heated up by sensing that person near. There are the ways you memorize and study them. You want to love them and you want to please them. To know them inside in out and to touch and talk with them. When your in love... And...loving God is the same. He should be the most important and passionate love in our lives. I get it.

So, if I am single or not, as life goes on through trouble and heartache, through every up and down...it is all for one and about the love of One. And He...is perfect and can take it. He wants us more then anyone could every desire us. And...His love is perfect. He can and will talk all of us..

I love when I find a song that is right where I am at....and I could not say it better.

"More Like Falling"
Give me rules
I will break them
Give me lines
I will cross them
I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet
It ought to be

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It’s like I’m falling, oh
It’s like I’m falling in love

Give me words
I’ll misuse them
Obligations
I’ll misplace them
‘Cause all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free
It’s gotta be

CHORUS

…It’s like I’m falling in love, love, love
Deeper and deeper
It was love that made
Me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me

Feelings

It is a wonder I post anything with this title as it is always a touchy subject. I do much better with my thoughts then feelings and don't know how to respond to the things. I know songs that re-create feelings or word they say that cause me to feel. I have for so many years refused to feel and in doing so have blocked a chunk of life and people out. It turns out I am actually prone to feel a lot when I allow myself to do so yet I am still unclear how to respond.

I am an extrovert incase you were unaware. I am also very introspective. Somehow I have not one problem extracting what I think and verbalizing it to anyone. How I feel...an entirely different issue. I often let guys know what I think. That...is simple I guess. I mostly try not to feel anything with them. Then, I can keep it all uncomplicated and easy. It turns out my heart crushes way too easily and too deeply. Sometimes it overflows into words that make little sense as the wave of emotion directs them. I can hate someone. That is a feeling for sure. I can love someone. That is reserved mostly for family though sometimes I guy gets into my heart and head. That...is when I am in trouble because once the wall is gone I am not sure how to get them back out.

I do not really let guys in. Every once in awhile my gaurd will be down and then I do start to feel. This almost never happens as it is so much easier for me to act cold. I don't know how to deal when someone gets in...or if they then decide to get out. I reserve my speach for the occational outbursts which are usually caused from fear or hurt or misunderstanding. And somehow in all this mess my heart gets stirred. I don't know the how or why but when I can connect with a feeler who is also a thinker I get more wrapped up.

I was interested in the affect this has on me and looked back into the past of men. There have been roughly 2 that I can remember that somehow I connect with in this manner. It has a much stronger pull on me and is much more difficult for me to know what to do with. I hate it and like it equally. Hate the connection that I love because it is something I fear I will not have. Hate letting those go...it is like a continually punch to my heart.

I have no choice. It is not up to me. It either is part of God's story or it is not. He does not tell me though I really need to ask more. I am afraid of it. I like acting cold toward men. Very few are really allowed into my world. It hurts too much and too bad. So, as for now I give up on it all and fill my world with my Maker. He is the one who should be the focus. How could I ever think someone else can fill that? Yet, there is still that longing...sometimes it is an ache no matter how much God fills.

I pray for the desire to leave. I hate it. It never works out. I hate that more. It makes me colder and colder. Yet, in that I am learning how to fall in love with God. It is intentional. It is not that much different then when I am consumed with a person. When you love something you pursue it. The attention and affections, the things that light that person up and make them tick. There is so much excitement in getting to know someone...all the little things about them that make them....well...them.

As a woman there is so much more to that. You want a guy who cares. A guy who is captivated by you but even more one that lets you know. There is so much....being told or treated like we are too much and not enough at the same time. I should not have to appologize for being female. There should be men who long to take the time, to try and understand and learn us. I am reading through a book that seems to be very accurate in some of the feelings and ways we feel and are treated. I feel like guys are just too lazy. And...what woman wants that? A guy who does not want you enough to care, to be with you, to work for you. Whatever....

And in all this I actually am in a really good spot in life. I sometimes just want to get things out. There are multiple projects and changes and decisions I make month by month. God, is so awesome and has been showing me how He is blessing me. He gives me open doors and opportunities and I have to continue to give all these things to Him. My hope should never be in a man...though I can't help but want to be with one. God keeps showing me so now I just hope I can't be patient and not angry with Him for allowing me to feel when I don't want to.

And...the next blog is going to be totally unrelated to men as I have 10 other things in my mind right now.