Music is one of the most influential things in my life as well as many of those around me. I love to sit and listen, to sing and to worship and music plays a key role in this. I know this generation seems to have a great deal of an attachment to music and so we all seem to relate to the idea that music moves us. I so often think about what I would do without it.
I know I think too much but since I rather enjoy it doesn't usually bother me. Don't get me wrong there are nights I lay awake or early mornings my mind is churning over something and it prevents me from rest. Any other time though I really like pondering. One of these reoccurring thoughts I have is what life would be like if I had to loose one sense of the five, (common sense is not one of these.) Which one could I bear to live without? Just like a key in an ignition music usually brings this thought about as I can hardly imagine what life would be like without it. So, I sit there and go through the benefits of each of the five senses.
Sight. How important sight is. The blind or being blind would limit a persons capabilities so very much. You would however no longer deal with the sin that comes with worrying about how you look any longer for your ability to see would no longer be limited to the eyes but would change entirely. How great that would be, as you no longer could compare yourself to the world of people who are breathtaking in their physical appearance and features. Shopping would be simplified in the manner that you would not be worried about how clothes looked or being in fashion but only how they felt on you. Oh, and you would never go through the pain of shopping in the fashionable stores where all the girls are blonde with "perfect" hair, makeup, fashion and bodies. Sight.
So what then of beauty? I am no longer talking about people when I use this term or not necessarily talking about people. What about the beauty we see in the world? The sun and the way that it rises and falls on creation, what of that? What then of the stars in the heavens, the moon and the ocean with rolling, crashing waves that causes us to draw our breath and hold it for a moment? The things God has created for us to enjoy. And what then of the beauty in people? The way someone we like smiles, or blushes, or just looks our way. Not they way the world sees beauty but the way we see beauty in the people we love and the way we long to know them and their features. Sight seems important not for just getting around but for seeing what is before us. So I think I must not be so willing to give up sight for the ability to hear.
Touch. Wow, what in the world would I do without the sense of feeling in my skin? Without touch we would loose the capability of feeling physical pain. This would be both good and bad. How would we know when we touched something to hot or cut ourselves or even pulled a muscle? Though we would not feel the pain we would not know we hurting either. If you don't know you’re sick you don't go to a physician. Oh, but how much we would loose. What would it be like not to feel a hug or someone holding your hand? How could we possibly not feel the sand and the sugary texture of it between our toes? The water and the way it glides around you and makes you feel so small and helpless, the wind as it whips across you skin and blows your hair everywhere you do not want it to. The heat from a fire as it flickers in the cold, icy night. The way it feels to curl up with a soft blanket or silky pillow. Yes, we must not give up our sense of touch.
Then there is smell. This is such an amazing sense as it actually affects our sense of taste as well. Granted there are many things that are not pleasant to smell at all and these we would not mind the loss of. How about the way a rose smells? I would not want to loose that. Or the salt in the wind when near the ocean, or cookies when they are baking or the rain when it falls from the sky. Even the ability to smell perfumes and lotions and the way smelling them on someone else brings back memories. Smell plays a huge roll in triggering our memories. Have you ever walked into a store and smelled a cologne on someone that immediately made you think of someone else? Or how about when you smell something cooking that reminds you of something from home? I guess if I had to loose a sense I would rather loose this ability over hearing.....I think.
Taste. If you loose your sense of smell you have also lost about 75% of your sense of taste automatically. This sounds funny but it is true. You know when you smell glue (don't take this the wrong way I am talking about the white Elmer's glue you use a lot in arts and crafts growing up) and you get a sense of what it tastes like though never actually trying it. Or the same thing with grass, I get that sense of what grass and dirt taste like though would never put in it my mouth to test my taste buds out. The only real thing you would loose from loosing taste is the ability to know what food and drink taste like. To some that is of course the world but when I am again thinking about sound or taste I still think I would keep hearing. Then again I would miss many, many flavors but think of how easy it would be to eat healthy all the time.
Then, there is sound. One thing that I still stand in awe of. Though much of the communication between people is non-verbal, I am extremely communicative. I not only love to talk but love it when people are excited to tell me things as well. I rejoice with people, cry with people, laugh with people, sing with people and just about revolve around sound. Music. I can't imagine anything that moves me as much as a persons words. The way a melody or beat makes you want to dance, to rejoice, to sit and be quiet and listen intently. The way you can feel a beat and the way it makes you move. Music stirs people to action creating desires, feeding them and moving them emotionally in a way that seems unmatched my other things. Think about the passion behind music. The ways that it makes you think and actually feel. Even the way someone’s fingers slide across the strings of a guitar gives me goosebumbs. I thank God so often for my ability to hear for I enjoy it most of all. To sing to dance, to hear, to listen, and to let it touch you, to let it stir up imagery that you would never dream of. Even the poetry found in songs or prayers. Here are a couple lines from a prayer in book I am reading:
.......I enter thy presence, worshipping thee with godly fear,
awed by thy majesty, greatness, glory,
but encouraged by thy love.
I am all poverty and guilt,
having nothing of my own with which to repay thee,......
....I bless thee that great sin draws out great grace,
that, although the least sin deserves infinite punishment
because done against an infinite God,....
......Strengthen me to give thee no rest
until Christ shall reign supreme within me,
in every thought, word, and deed,
in a faith that purifies the heart,
overcomes the world, works by love,
fastens me to thee, and ever clings to the cross.
And that is a prayer. There are short lines in songs that hit me everytime I hear them. One example is a line in a Shawn McDonald song. Everytime I hear it, I want to bow before my God though it is short.
....."fall to my knees and I'm begin' you please oh Lord, won't you take me make me,
new from the inside out I wanna shout out your name, I NEED YOU."
Monday, May 29, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
Can't sleep : (
Tonight, my mind is very busy and so I cannot seem to sleep. There are about five billion things (I am exaggerating slightly) that I am thinking about. I wonder why my mind at time seems like a hamster wheel. It runs over and over and over and succeeds in nothing but keeping me awake and occupied in thought.
Since I could not sleep I got up and decided to have a spoonful of icecream. Then, I decided I wanted to brush my teeth. It is at random moments like these I seem to come up with analogy's relating to life. I was thinking about how if I don't brush my teeth before bed I wake up and can't stand it so I must go and brush them. Then as I swished the water I realized how nice and clean my teeth felt. Yes, I love the clean feeling. I really don't like to feel dirty ever. But then how can I possibly sin?
I have been trying to add to my devotional a couple of books that I got for graduation since I always have time while waiting for my employer's in the morning. I sit and read the word for a few minutes and then pick up a book to read for about ten minutes or so. It's really agitating when points are drawn out and things you have just read in the morning you have forgotten by night. What then of sin? How often do I forget about it? I too often have a momentary lapse...actually I should say that I too often choose to sin.
So as the brush scrubbed the scum from my teeth I remembered some of the things I was thinking about as I lay in the dark only 10 minutes before. I was thinking about sin. My sin and how much more I could have gotten into. I also was reminded of the stupid ugly things that I have done and will continue to do. I hate regrets, but they exist. I used to live by the motto from one of my favorite movies "live life without regrets and with honor." That I get but it is dumb as well. I wish I could get past my sin and cease to be engulfed by it. That does not happen. I wish I was not covered in scum and that I could brush it all away as easily as brushing my teeth.
God's son sacrificed His life to make me clean. I wish I felt like I stayed that way. I wish I ran from every temptation, like my thoughts were always captive, like my tongue spoke only good and that flowed from a pure heart, like I was always pure, always loving and encouraging. That however, is not fact and that is painful to realize. Even more so when I deliberately sin rather then rely on God's strength and turn my eyes to Him. Sin is so disgusting like that taste in my mouth if I don't brush my teeth. If something that simple can wake me from a deep sleep why not the brokenness of my sin.
I so often think God allows me to fall so I remember my place and that I can not become better by working my way to heaven or by being good. I must realize who I am and that I will always on this earth be living in sin though try to run from it. I often have that thought in my head when I do deliberately sin that God is suddenly going to take away the good in my life, the blessings He has given to me. I know I trust Him but sometimes and scared of what could happen. Not just out of fear for I know He promises not to give me more then I can handle. Sometimes I guess I am just scared of what I can handle. I am scared because sometimes I don't want to have to be strong or any stronger.
Now things just seem to easy, to simple. Not that I am not overwhelmed with everything that I am trying to do because I still don't exactly know how I will get my chapter 5 test and my midterm completed by tom., but I guess I am always just waiting for His testing. I am not scared in the way that you think, really. It is more a fear caused out of the knowledge of His power and my weakness. It really comes down to the fact I don't trust my self, my reactions, my responses.
I rethink through my past and the things God has delivered me from in absolute safety. I screwed up and could have absolutely messed up so much more if it had it been up to me. I now know what kept me safe, who kept me safe. I think of how dumb sin is. I also think of my place and where God has me. Well, there is much more to think on but it is about midnight and I am going to try and get some rest. I guess though sin can be like that feeling in my mouth. It will only stay dirty for so long before it grosses me out completely and I can no longer stand it. Then, once I realize it, it is time to scrub it out. I just wish it never came back! That cleaning is all up to God but I know that I dirty it up again. Oh, how I hate that.
Since I could not sleep I got up and decided to have a spoonful of icecream. Then, I decided I wanted to brush my teeth. It is at random moments like these I seem to come up with analogy's relating to life. I was thinking about how if I don't brush my teeth before bed I wake up and can't stand it so I must go and brush them. Then as I swished the water I realized how nice and clean my teeth felt. Yes, I love the clean feeling. I really don't like to feel dirty ever. But then how can I possibly sin?
I have been trying to add to my devotional a couple of books that I got for graduation since I always have time while waiting for my employer's in the morning. I sit and read the word for a few minutes and then pick up a book to read for about ten minutes or so. It's really agitating when points are drawn out and things you have just read in the morning you have forgotten by night. What then of sin? How often do I forget about it? I too often have a momentary lapse...actually I should say that I too often choose to sin.
So as the brush scrubbed the scum from my teeth I remembered some of the things I was thinking about as I lay in the dark only 10 minutes before. I was thinking about sin. My sin and how much more I could have gotten into. I also was reminded of the stupid ugly things that I have done and will continue to do. I hate regrets, but they exist. I used to live by the motto from one of my favorite movies "live life without regrets and with honor." That I get but it is dumb as well. I wish I could get past my sin and cease to be engulfed by it. That does not happen. I wish I was not covered in scum and that I could brush it all away as easily as brushing my teeth.
God's son sacrificed His life to make me clean. I wish I felt like I stayed that way. I wish I ran from every temptation, like my thoughts were always captive, like my tongue spoke only good and that flowed from a pure heart, like I was always pure, always loving and encouraging. That however, is not fact and that is painful to realize. Even more so when I deliberately sin rather then rely on God's strength and turn my eyes to Him. Sin is so disgusting like that taste in my mouth if I don't brush my teeth. If something that simple can wake me from a deep sleep why not the brokenness of my sin.
I so often think God allows me to fall so I remember my place and that I can not become better by working my way to heaven or by being good. I must realize who I am and that I will always on this earth be living in sin though try to run from it. I often have that thought in my head when I do deliberately sin that God is suddenly going to take away the good in my life, the blessings He has given to me. I know I trust Him but sometimes and scared of what could happen. Not just out of fear for I know He promises not to give me more then I can handle. Sometimes I guess I am just scared of what I can handle. I am scared because sometimes I don't want to have to be strong or any stronger.
Now things just seem to easy, to simple. Not that I am not overwhelmed with everything that I am trying to do because I still don't exactly know how I will get my chapter 5 test and my midterm completed by tom., but I guess I am always just waiting for His testing. I am not scared in the way that you think, really. It is more a fear caused out of the knowledge of His power and my weakness. It really comes down to the fact I don't trust my self, my reactions, my responses.
I rethink through my past and the things God has delivered me from in absolute safety. I screwed up and could have absolutely messed up so much more if it had it been up to me. I now know what kept me safe, who kept me safe. I think of how dumb sin is. I also think of my place and where God has me. Well, there is much more to think on but it is about midnight and I am going to try and get some rest. I guess though sin can be like that feeling in my mouth. It will only stay dirty for so long before it grosses me out completely and I can no longer stand it. Then, once I realize it, it is time to scrub it out. I just wish it never came back! That cleaning is all up to God but I know that I dirty it up again. Oh, how I hate that.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Mental Break
So I know I should be accomplishing something right now...but I don't want to. ") There is much to do but when my mind is running all week it is nice to take what we'll call a "mini-break" a.k.a. a waste of time. Have you ever realized the value of time? Well, how about the value of break time? Or sleep time? Or time past? Let's go to time past.
Last week I was in a teller training class from Monday to Friday. In my class there were about 6 girls and 1 guy. Needless to say it was easy to make friends as we sought the knowledge behind becoming a "professional teller." The week was interesting as we ran through transaction after transaction and made more mistakes then we hope to ever make again. We had practice moments and breaks through out the day in which we were able to discuss. One of these became a particularly amazing opportunity for me to share the gospel. Hurray for Jesus.
I was planning on busting out of there as I have a midterm this weekend. The class was given about an hour and a half for a lunch break and as I was begining to get behind I decided to study. I ran to my car to grab my folder full of words I don't yet know and then returned to the classroom. When I got out to my car I soon discovered to my surprise I had left it all at home. What a waste of perfectly good study time I thought. (Kinda like this blog...though I am still going to take it) Then I decided to spend some time in the word as my allotted study times had been short as of late. So out came my study bible and notebook and into the classroom I went.
Can I study in the midst of noise? Only if I want to. There was conversation going on and being a bit social I soon joined in. I asked God, if there is an opportunity today may I take it and may you lead it. Then, one of the girls Casey, asked me about a boyfriend and the ring on my finger. I told her I did not have one but the ring was a purity ring and I wear it on my wedding finger as to be available without actually appearing that way. Then we began to discuss the reasoning behind it and we chatted about guys. Then this other girl Heather joined in. (I am not talking about one of my other personalities or myself). I began to elaborate on what I am looking for before I agree to date and was able to bring biblical priciples up. I then chatted about the reason for purity which is also linked to the Bible.
Then, as we continued to chat I found an open. I asked her about church and we began to explore this subject. She said she did not believe that she was going to hell because she was sleeping with her boyfriend. Then she pointed up to the sky and said smiling "me and God, we have an understanding. I do not need to go to church to go to heaven I can just be good." "Really, I said, you can just be good?" I asked her how she defined good and gave her some analagies showing her sin is still sin to a perfect God. I told her I also did not think that she was going to hell because she was sleeping with her boyfriend. I told her, it was because of sin and the fact that she is human and will never apart from Christ be a good person. Now you have to understand Casey a bit more before I continue on. Casey, is a strong, spunky, sporty girl with a very strong personality. I however am not intimidated by her personality but did expect trouble at this point. God however, had other plans in the conversation.
After this she began her argument about how could I believe everything that the Bible said. "I think it changes with the times," she said. And that is how she wanted to live it. I then grabbed a piece of paper from my notebook and drew a square. "Casey, lets say this is God's standard. Do you think that He is going to lower it based on a changing society? Or do you think it stays the same and.." Before I was able to finish my sentence I drew a line below and she said "Oh, we are lowering it to fit what we want." "Yes, your right." So then I asked to read her a short vs. From the Bible and we chatted a few more minutes. She did not accept Christ in that moment but I really felt like even just grasping that point instead of punching me for telling her she is a sinner who will only be saved by faith, grace, and repentance was a great opportunity. And did I mention, Heather was there listening the entire time and had comments to add and questions every now and then as well. I was so thankful God had given me an opportunity to share.
Now this week I have had opportunities to talk about ministry but not yet flat out share the gospel. Still hoping for those. It has been tons of busy, and tons of fun though. I have to send out another.....(We apologize for any interruption of thought here, but I was just attacked by a fly. Yuck. It was crazy. I flew right up to my face and then looked me straight in the eye. I screamed, being scared, hoping to scare it. It came back for more. Fearless little bugger. Then I smacked it. My heart is racing. It came back again. Oh, I am so scared of bugs....God is prepping me for the evil kamikaze bugs that live in Caborca. SCARY!. Did I mention I don't like bugs? Ewwwwww.)
Last week I was in a teller training class from Monday to Friday. In my class there were about 6 girls and 1 guy. Needless to say it was easy to make friends as we sought the knowledge behind becoming a "professional teller." The week was interesting as we ran through transaction after transaction and made more mistakes then we hope to ever make again. We had practice moments and breaks through out the day in which we were able to discuss. One of these became a particularly amazing opportunity for me to share the gospel. Hurray for Jesus.
I was planning on busting out of there as I have a midterm this weekend. The class was given about an hour and a half for a lunch break and as I was begining to get behind I decided to study. I ran to my car to grab my folder full of words I don't yet know and then returned to the classroom. When I got out to my car I soon discovered to my surprise I had left it all at home. What a waste of perfectly good study time I thought. (Kinda like this blog...though I am still going to take it) Then I decided to spend some time in the word as my allotted study times had been short as of late. So out came my study bible and notebook and into the classroom I went.
Can I study in the midst of noise? Only if I want to. There was conversation going on and being a bit social I soon joined in. I asked God, if there is an opportunity today may I take it and may you lead it. Then, one of the girls Casey, asked me about a boyfriend and the ring on my finger. I told her I did not have one but the ring was a purity ring and I wear it on my wedding finger as to be available without actually appearing that way. Then we began to discuss the reasoning behind it and we chatted about guys. Then this other girl Heather joined in. (I am not talking about one of my other personalities or myself). I began to elaborate on what I am looking for before I agree to date and was able to bring biblical priciples up. I then chatted about the reason for purity which is also linked to the Bible.
Then, as we continued to chat I found an open. I asked her about church and we began to explore this subject. She said she did not believe that she was going to hell because she was sleeping with her boyfriend. Then she pointed up to the sky and said smiling "me and God, we have an understanding. I do not need to go to church to go to heaven I can just be good." "Really, I said, you can just be good?" I asked her how she defined good and gave her some analagies showing her sin is still sin to a perfect God. I told her I also did not think that she was going to hell because she was sleeping with her boyfriend. I told her, it was because of sin and the fact that she is human and will never apart from Christ be a good person. Now you have to understand Casey a bit more before I continue on. Casey, is a strong, spunky, sporty girl with a very strong personality. I however am not intimidated by her personality but did expect trouble at this point. God however, had other plans in the conversation.
After this she began her argument about how could I believe everything that the Bible said. "I think it changes with the times," she said. And that is how she wanted to live it. I then grabbed a piece of paper from my notebook and drew a square. "Casey, lets say this is God's standard. Do you think that He is going to lower it based on a changing society? Or do you think it stays the same and.." Before I was able to finish my sentence I drew a line below and she said "Oh, we are lowering it to fit what we want." "Yes, your right." So then I asked to read her a short vs. From the Bible and we chatted a few more minutes. She did not accept Christ in that moment but I really felt like even just grasping that point instead of punching me for telling her she is a sinner who will only be saved by faith, grace, and repentance was a great opportunity. And did I mention, Heather was there listening the entire time and had comments to add and questions every now and then as well. I was so thankful God had given me an opportunity to share.
Now this week I have had opportunities to talk about ministry but not yet flat out share the gospel. Still hoping for those. It has been tons of busy, and tons of fun though. I have to send out another.....(We apologize for any interruption of thought here, but I was just attacked by a fly. Yuck. It was crazy. I flew right up to my face and then looked me straight in the eye. I screamed, being scared, hoping to scare it. It came back for more. Fearless little bugger. Then I smacked it. My heart is racing. It came back again. Oh, I am so scared of bugs....God is prepping me for the evil kamikaze bugs that live in Caborca. SCARY!. Did I mention I don't like bugs? Ewwwwww.)
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Crazy Madness.
Time is short yet so valuable. You realize the busier you get you have to begin to make choices and give up somethings for others. I was busy before, but until about the end of June, or beginning of July my schedule is crazy. Even this blog is being timed right now as it is cutting into my homework time. It is times like these I realize that before I pass up time with the Lord I must remember I can't possibly do anything without Him. (or at least anything worthwhile)( I can get in plenty of trouble on my own)
Just in the last few days I started a new job, had the first Caborca meeting, turned a quarter of a century and maintained my eight days ahead of schedule in my Spanish class. The weekend was fun and it seems I learned a few things.
1. Everyone seems to think I am about 19....I hope it is because I look young and not act that way : ?
2. No matter how good of a mood and how great the song is that comes on you should never ever dance around your room in nylons (especially with a really old wooden floor)
3. Seventeen year old drivers scare me too death....I will be driving the rest of this week when we go out for lunch
4. Stiletto heals are made to look pretty not to actually wear (at least for eight hours)
5. Height can be attained by stiletto heals though after hour six or seven you don't mind only being 5'1". Besides you are naturally shorter at the end of the day anyway...gravity.
6. Chai tea is amazing (in case you didn't know)
7. When you sleep on average six to eight hours a night you tend to dream
8. When you "shadow" at work your sole purpose is to stand there and look pretty (or so that is what they told me) (or maybe I told them)
9. My only phone conversations take place during traffic to and from. (this means I may not go over my minutes this month)
10. When I try to spell I can even fool spell check
12. Make sure you have 5 minutes everytime you need to use rest room as it takes forever to relayer (two shirts to tuck in, pants, nylons, etc.)
13. If you do need to prove your age...pull out your drivers liscense (when entire class does not believe your above 20 or 21) Then laugh at them for looking old : )
14. When you get tired at night do not try to socialize any longer...you never know what will come out of your mouth...or how it may be taken.
15. If you decide to dance on wooden floor even though you know it is not wise and you happen to have a wooden chest with poky things....runs will occur
16. When runs do occur know where your clear nail polish is because blue does not look very attractive when painted through nylons onto your pale flesh.
17. Whose line is it anyways is very funny.
18. Sun feels good on a bare face.
19. Mascara should always stay on your eyelashes and never on your eyelid or check (unless planning on playing football) (then paint under eye above cheek)
20. When in study mode (trying to learn Spanish)(especially Sunday nights at Paaschs) and are trying to take a break and socialize make sure you have a bilingual translator (this means English, Spanish, and gibberish since that is all that comes out)
21. I laugh way to easy...but only at things I think our funny
22. Junior highers don't act that much younger then some people my age...and are much more willing to play without worying about looking cool.
23. The gospel is the most important thing to remember....especially when you can't remember anything else. If anyone ask just answer any question with the Bible. Believe me this will start a conversation...
24. Blow drying your hair early in the morning wakes people up (but if you point it at the mirror it will defog it from the shower)
25. You have to pretend to be professional when working at a bank. (This works well for all art and theater majors)(then after hours it is back to jeans and washing makeup from face)
26. I love to communicate, I actually really like to write as well.
27. Laughing is one of my favorite things to do.....ever. "For I so dearly love to laugh." Good line from a really good movie.
28. If you don't know who Jesus is you should. And let me be the one to give you a short explanation as to why. God created everything that ever did and will exist. He made man with a choice to obey or sin and given that choice we chose death. God did not kill us though we deserved death but He allowed man to live and set up a system of rules to follow knowing we were of ourselves incapable of perfection. He then made the ultimate sacrifice by sending His Son Jesus Christ in order that he would take the wrath of our sin upon himself. He was born of virgin, God the son, and lived a perfect life so that his bloodshed would cover the punishment for our sins so that we could spend eternity in heaven with him. And what do we have to do? We simply cry out to God, confess our sins, believe in His son and follow His word, the Bible. So if for some reason you have never heard this, you have now. Consider the choice. Where would you like to spend eternity?
Why would I put something like this? Because I don't say it enough, I don't share it enough, I have not passion enough or love enough. Because everyone should know because we will find out when we die. Because I should always remember my first priority is to my God and my Savior and everything else should fall short. I say it so that it rolls off my lips to present people with the truth, with love, with something that fills the emptiness. And because of the call.
Tonight I read such an amazing quote. It reminded me of such a great truth and sent goosebumps up and down my spine. It reminded me of my weakness and my sin and my zeal though it remains lacking compared to what it should. It made me want to burst forth with passion and joy and give none of it to anything else besides my Lord and Savior. It basically told of how often in churches people become to busy working in the church and serving to share. Important....Yes. Not if it cost sharing. The people who serve should be excited to share. Often though I agree it is very true. Life is crazy.
This list wil be ongoing but I guess that is all. Except that I have also realized how I respond in two different type of social situations. The first would be smaller social venues. It is very easy for me to be friends though my approach is different then in larger situations. I tend to be very social but how I get to know everyone varies by circumstance. When there is only a small amount of people I usually make friends faster as I am huge on attempting to maintain relationships. In larger groups it takes me longer and not just because of the numbers. I find that in swing dancing for instance I already know everyone so it is very easy for me to reach out to someone new. In church...that depends. In areas I am new or don't feel I know lots of people well I may spend my time trying to maintain the relationships I have as this can be nearly impossible. I then add one person every now and again. This is more because I am barly maintaning the relationships I already have and since I put a high value on the quality vs. quantity it may take me awhile to get around to everyone. (not that I don't say hi and act friendly, but I may try to plug them into another group or drag them around to meet others while keeping up with them at the same time). There are also times I may be part of a group that is new to me or I am new to them.
Then there are some that I do focus attention on. This becomes an adding to the circle as it is much more difficult to maintain female relationships then male. Females take a ton more time...we are relational and in order to be friends and feel that way it is a lot more work. Guys...just easier. Maybe that is why I have always had more guy friends then girls. Basically we are all social differently and even though it may not appear as such we have our different methods of doing the same thing. I am learning this more and more as I try and hold on to all the different friendships I have in the many circles. I litterally can not possibly keep up with them all so then it becomes a matter of prority. That's all I learned this week that I remember.
And I am out of my time limit so I need to go spend some time with the Lord so that I can make it through another day. Ok if you don't know how a multi-tasking brain works just consider this blog. And I was probably thinking of ten other things while writting this.
Just in the last few days I started a new job, had the first Caborca meeting, turned a quarter of a century and maintained my eight days ahead of schedule in my Spanish class. The weekend was fun and it seems I learned a few things.
1. Everyone seems to think I am about 19....I hope it is because I look young and not act that way : ?
2. No matter how good of a mood and how great the song is that comes on you should never ever dance around your room in nylons (especially with a really old wooden floor)
3. Seventeen year old drivers scare me too death....I will be driving the rest of this week when we go out for lunch
4. Stiletto heals are made to look pretty not to actually wear (at least for eight hours)
5. Height can be attained by stiletto heals though after hour six or seven you don't mind only being 5'1". Besides you are naturally shorter at the end of the day anyway...gravity.
6. Chai tea is amazing (in case you didn't know)
7. When you sleep on average six to eight hours a night you tend to dream
8. When you "shadow" at work your sole purpose is to stand there and look pretty (or so that is what they told me) (or maybe I told them)
9. My only phone conversations take place during traffic to and from. (this means I may not go over my minutes this month)
10. When I try to spell I can even fool spell check
12. Make sure you have 5 minutes everytime you need to use rest room as it takes forever to relayer (two shirts to tuck in, pants, nylons, etc.)
13. If you do need to prove your age...pull out your drivers liscense (when entire class does not believe your above 20 or 21) Then laugh at them for looking old : )
14. When you get tired at night do not try to socialize any longer...you never know what will come out of your mouth...or how it may be taken.
15. If you decide to dance on wooden floor even though you know it is not wise and you happen to have a wooden chest with poky things....runs will occur
16. When runs do occur know where your clear nail polish is because blue does not look very attractive when painted through nylons onto your pale flesh.
17. Whose line is it anyways is very funny.
18. Sun feels good on a bare face.
19. Mascara should always stay on your eyelashes and never on your eyelid or check (unless planning on playing football) (then paint under eye above cheek)
20. When in study mode (trying to learn Spanish)(especially Sunday nights at Paaschs) and are trying to take a break and socialize make sure you have a bilingual translator (this means English, Spanish, and gibberish since that is all that comes out)
21. I laugh way to easy...but only at things I think our funny
22. Junior highers don't act that much younger then some people my age...and are much more willing to play without worying about looking cool.
23. The gospel is the most important thing to remember....especially when you can't remember anything else. If anyone ask just answer any question with the Bible. Believe me this will start a conversation...
24. Blow drying your hair early in the morning wakes people up (but if you point it at the mirror it will defog it from the shower)
25. You have to pretend to be professional when working at a bank. (This works well for all art and theater majors)(then after hours it is back to jeans and washing makeup from face)
26. I love to communicate, I actually really like to write as well.
27. Laughing is one of my favorite things to do.....ever. "For I so dearly love to laugh." Good line from a really good movie.
28. If you don't know who Jesus is you should. And let me be the one to give you a short explanation as to why. God created everything that ever did and will exist. He made man with a choice to obey or sin and given that choice we chose death. God did not kill us though we deserved death but He allowed man to live and set up a system of rules to follow knowing we were of ourselves incapable of perfection. He then made the ultimate sacrifice by sending His Son Jesus Christ in order that he would take the wrath of our sin upon himself. He was born of virgin, God the son, and lived a perfect life so that his bloodshed would cover the punishment for our sins so that we could spend eternity in heaven with him. And what do we have to do? We simply cry out to God, confess our sins, believe in His son and follow His word, the Bible. So if for some reason you have never heard this, you have now. Consider the choice. Where would you like to spend eternity?
Why would I put something like this? Because I don't say it enough, I don't share it enough, I have not passion enough or love enough. Because everyone should know because we will find out when we die. Because I should always remember my first priority is to my God and my Savior and everything else should fall short. I say it so that it rolls off my lips to present people with the truth, with love, with something that fills the emptiness. And because of the call.
Tonight I read such an amazing quote. It reminded me of such a great truth and sent goosebumps up and down my spine. It reminded me of my weakness and my sin and my zeal though it remains lacking compared to what it should. It made me want to burst forth with passion and joy and give none of it to anything else besides my Lord and Savior. It basically told of how often in churches people become to busy working in the church and serving to share. Important....Yes. Not if it cost sharing. The people who serve should be excited to share. Often though I agree it is very true. Life is crazy.
This list wil be ongoing but I guess that is all. Except that I have also realized how I respond in two different type of social situations. The first would be smaller social venues. It is very easy for me to be friends though my approach is different then in larger situations. I tend to be very social but how I get to know everyone varies by circumstance. When there is only a small amount of people I usually make friends faster as I am huge on attempting to maintain relationships. In larger groups it takes me longer and not just because of the numbers. I find that in swing dancing for instance I already know everyone so it is very easy for me to reach out to someone new. In church...that depends. In areas I am new or don't feel I know lots of people well I may spend my time trying to maintain the relationships I have as this can be nearly impossible. I then add one person every now and again. This is more because I am barly maintaning the relationships I already have and since I put a high value on the quality vs. quantity it may take me awhile to get around to everyone. (not that I don't say hi and act friendly, but I may try to plug them into another group or drag them around to meet others while keeping up with them at the same time). There are also times I may be part of a group that is new to me or I am new to them.
Then there are some that I do focus attention on. This becomes an adding to the circle as it is much more difficult to maintain female relationships then male. Females take a ton more time...we are relational and in order to be friends and feel that way it is a lot more work. Guys...just easier. Maybe that is why I have always had more guy friends then girls. Basically we are all social differently and even though it may not appear as such we have our different methods of doing the same thing. I am learning this more and more as I try and hold on to all the different friendships I have in the many circles. I litterally can not possibly keep up with them all so then it becomes a matter of prority. That's all I learned this week that I remember.
And I am out of my time limit so I need to go spend some time with the Lord so that I can make it through another day. Ok if you don't know how a multi-tasking brain works just consider this blog. And I was probably thinking of ten other things while writting this.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Blinders
Life is crazy, it is inevitable. It is busy, and fun, and filled with things to do. Last night during worship we sang a line in a song that always strikes me. "Lead me on and I will run after you." It is of course talking about God and is really the only appropriate time to say this and mean it with your heart. I just love it for it reminds me that we are to run and run hard. What happens though when for a moment in time it becomes a hard run?
Sometimes I wish I had blinders on. Just like horses, it keeps you from being distracted by things outside of what your rider wants. I want God to be my lead, and with that hope that I can be as focused as possible. I want to look at nothing except that which He would want me to see and feel. The more in tune a horse is, the less distracted, the more easily he feels the signals his rider gives. Sometimes just being the tiniest bit out of sinc can throw the horse and rider communication off. Think of a shadow, or piece of plastic, or even wind. All of these small distractions can be detrimental as the horse may run, stop immediately or try to buck his rider off. I am just thankful after knowing what this feels like that I can not buck God off.
Sometimes this distraction comes from a tiny action or misaction. You know those points where you do things you don't mean to do and can't explain why? You know you can not fix things, and you can not take them away. Sometimes I wish life was as easy as deleting a blog. I often reflect on these situations and have no idea as to why I follow such a pattern. I have a couple specific ones that personally drive me nuts not to mention the possible range of responses I get from others.
I am so trained (by myself) to respond in a certain manner with people. Sometimes it is more difficult to get past yourself then you can even imagine. There are just times where I choose to completely ignore someone and I don't always understand the reasoning behind it. Then other times I say something specifically to get a reaction from someone. The reaction that comes is not always positive but at the time of the statement I am usually trying to counter-act the action stated before. Basically after ignoring someone that I may not want to I try to get their attention back later. This is not set up as a game by any means except with myself. Really, I am trying to get passed my own weird actions. Often enough the second action does not help the first but only increases the problem.
Some of this I have explained before and in the last few blogs it has related to guys though it is not exclusive to them. With girls, it may be that I just think they don't like me and so it may just take me a bit longer to get to know them. I don't just ignore people if I don't have some type of reason, and I usually get to be very good friends with them later. Sometimes I may not intentionally ignore them, I just may not notice them at first, but once pointed out I can befriend.
Then there is the issue of guys. Please don't think that this is all I think about because I really talk and think about them quit a bit less then it appears. I just seem to have a great many opinions on this for it is one of the things that as a girl I do care about or I should say comes up often. Really though for someone who has succeeded in never dating you can't really think I am too boy crazy. Though I can't argue with the fact that I rather enjoy their company. Besides that, I can't help but tease about it and make fun of the whole thing with my dear sisters. But back to the ignoring thing. So basically I used to absorb attention from guys. Then somewhere after being saved and growing a ton I realized I had to much need for their attention and affection. Sometime after that I realized I need God and not guys for any of this.
I am always trying to find the correct balance and right relationships but don't usually trust the guys. I don't really flirt with all the guys for attention and have become very cautious of the friendships I keep close. I have also become very sensitive as I have worked in places for the last few years where guys specifically come in to flirt, to gawk, to try and pick up girls and just don't always act very appropriatly. (Where did I work? Just coffee shops. That shows you the intention of many guys these days.) I read a book once called Every Woman's Battle and at that time I remember reading something that had talked about getting attached to other men that were not your husband. As females we like to get emotionally attached and there will be a time and place but until then it requires absolute caution. We know our hearts our wrapped up in our emotions and since mine is just barely bruised but still entirely in tact I would like to keep it that way. That way later on I have it saved for whoever I marry and I am so careful to keep it for him and him alone.
Since I am so careful it also can affect my actions to an extreme. It can be difficult at times to tell the difference between a guy I do like and what that I don't. Well, then again if you watch more closely I almost completely ignore the guy I do not like until I am sure that he knows there is no way I am interested in him. The guy I do like I may seem wishy washy about but that is only because of my inside battle with the situation. Really, I think it is how I protect my heart. I do enjoy their company and love to be around them but may not always make it evident because I am still keeping some level of distance. My heart can attach rather quickly and so to prevent it going before there is any clear pursuit from him, I choose to hold back sometimes and that helps keep me more level headed about the whole situation. Think how often our hearts get caught up in the illusion of a situation. That is why at times I attempt to use my head at least on some level.
It really comes down to God. Doesn't everything? Or shoudn't it? It comes down to where my faith and trust lies in Him, how much I am seeking Him and who I am living for. There are moments I forget all this. And it may not take much. It may take one detail or one speedbump in the road. Other times those speedbumbs may draw me closer to Him. Maybe I should pray for blinders or really dark sunglasses. I needed blinders last night but for a much different reason I can not bring up on a blog at this point. I was in the midst of a situation I did not want to be in. It put something in front of my face I by no means wanted to see. And what I saw hurt me though by no means intentially. However in moments that like my faith is tested. How much do I think I have control vs. God? Who do I think can sway a situation or take control from His hands. How much do I care what people think of me? I need so desperatly to follow God with a reckless abandonment and faith like a child. So as every day, I am left to trust and follow hard after Him. His plans will succeed. That brings me peace.
Sometimes I wish I had blinders on. Just like horses, it keeps you from being distracted by things outside of what your rider wants. I want God to be my lead, and with that hope that I can be as focused as possible. I want to look at nothing except that which He would want me to see and feel. The more in tune a horse is, the less distracted, the more easily he feels the signals his rider gives. Sometimes just being the tiniest bit out of sinc can throw the horse and rider communication off. Think of a shadow, or piece of plastic, or even wind. All of these small distractions can be detrimental as the horse may run, stop immediately or try to buck his rider off. I am just thankful after knowing what this feels like that I can not buck God off.
Sometimes this distraction comes from a tiny action or misaction. You know those points where you do things you don't mean to do and can't explain why? You know you can not fix things, and you can not take them away. Sometimes I wish life was as easy as deleting a blog. I often reflect on these situations and have no idea as to why I follow such a pattern. I have a couple specific ones that personally drive me nuts not to mention the possible range of responses I get from others.
I am so trained (by myself) to respond in a certain manner with people. Sometimes it is more difficult to get past yourself then you can even imagine. There are just times where I choose to completely ignore someone and I don't always understand the reasoning behind it. Then other times I say something specifically to get a reaction from someone. The reaction that comes is not always positive but at the time of the statement I am usually trying to counter-act the action stated before. Basically after ignoring someone that I may not want to I try to get their attention back later. This is not set up as a game by any means except with myself. Really, I am trying to get passed my own weird actions. Often enough the second action does not help the first but only increases the problem.
Some of this I have explained before and in the last few blogs it has related to guys though it is not exclusive to them. With girls, it may be that I just think they don't like me and so it may just take me a bit longer to get to know them. I don't just ignore people if I don't have some type of reason, and I usually get to be very good friends with them later. Sometimes I may not intentionally ignore them, I just may not notice them at first, but once pointed out I can befriend.
Then there is the issue of guys. Please don't think that this is all I think about because I really talk and think about them quit a bit less then it appears. I just seem to have a great many opinions on this for it is one of the things that as a girl I do care about or I should say comes up often. Really though for someone who has succeeded in never dating you can't really think I am too boy crazy. Though I can't argue with the fact that I rather enjoy their company. Besides that, I can't help but tease about it and make fun of the whole thing with my dear sisters. But back to the ignoring thing. So basically I used to absorb attention from guys. Then somewhere after being saved and growing a ton I realized I had to much need for their attention and affection. Sometime after that I realized I need God and not guys for any of this.
I am always trying to find the correct balance and right relationships but don't usually trust the guys. I don't really flirt with all the guys for attention and have become very cautious of the friendships I keep close. I have also become very sensitive as I have worked in places for the last few years where guys specifically come in to flirt, to gawk, to try and pick up girls and just don't always act very appropriatly. (Where did I work? Just coffee shops. That shows you the intention of many guys these days.) I read a book once called Every Woman's Battle and at that time I remember reading something that had talked about getting attached to other men that were not your husband. As females we like to get emotionally attached and there will be a time and place but until then it requires absolute caution. We know our hearts our wrapped up in our emotions and since mine is just barely bruised but still entirely in tact I would like to keep it that way. That way later on I have it saved for whoever I marry and I am so careful to keep it for him and him alone.
Since I am so careful it also can affect my actions to an extreme. It can be difficult at times to tell the difference between a guy I do like and what that I don't. Well, then again if you watch more closely I almost completely ignore the guy I do not like until I am sure that he knows there is no way I am interested in him. The guy I do like I may seem wishy washy about but that is only because of my inside battle with the situation. Really, I think it is how I protect my heart. I do enjoy their company and love to be around them but may not always make it evident because I am still keeping some level of distance. My heart can attach rather quickly and so to prevent it going before there is any clear pursuit from him, I choose to hold back sometimes and that helps keep me more level headed about the whole situation. Think how often our hearts get caught up in the illusion of a situation. That is why at times I attempt to use my head at least on some level.
It really comes down to God. Doesn't everything? Or shoudn't it? It comes down to where my faith and trust lies in Him, how much I am seeking Him and who I am living for. There are moments I forget all this. And it may not take much. It may take one detail or one speedbump in the road. Other times those speedbumbs may draw me closer to Him. Maybe I should pray for blinders or really dark sunglasses. I needed blinders last night but for a much different reason I can not bring up on a blog at this point. I was in the midst of a situation I did not want to be in. It put something in front of my face I by no means wanted to see. And what I saw hurt me though by no means intentially. However in moments that like my faith is tested. How much do I think I have control vs. God? Who do I think can sway a situation or take control from His hands. How much do I care what people think of me? I need so desperatly to follow God with a reckless abandonment and faith like a child. So as every day, I am left to trust and follow hard after Him. His plans will succeed. That brings me peace.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)