So I found this vs - it is self explanatory - AND... I am way too busy to blog.
Instead I leave you with two things to think about. Both excellent, one funny, and both relating to God.
The first is just a vs. I found today while doing my quiet time.
Galatians 4:18
But it is good to be zealous in a good thing always and not only when I am present with you.
The second is a quote from my friend. He writes articles for Relevant magazine every now and again and this one happens to be on one of my favorite topics. Boys...well actually it is a short yet great article about marraige but I really enjoyed the quote. So I hope you will as well.
"Since when have you ever been minding your own business and out of nowhere a member of the opposite sex crosses your line of sight and you say, "Wow, I bet they have a great personality."
It was in regards to arranged marriages and how his dad tried to set him up. None the less, it was funny. Plus, I think we like to choose someone based off attraction. No one wants to be told that you did not actually think they were attractive but liked their personality. Then there are others who you did not think of as unattractive but did not notice at first. That is good as well. Really though, it is all about who we are attracted to. Not just oh, that guy is sooooo good looking. (You may find he is much uglier then he actually looks!) I want to say this - not only are you good looking, but the God I see shining out of you is the hottest thing I have ever seen.
Yep. Thats what I want.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Saturday, April 22, 2006
I want to live dangerously
Difficult days and difficult moments seem to be re-occurring. I was hit so hard by the fact that I waste so much time. This week is like all others except I have been trying to be more purposeful about sharing with the people I come in contact with. So often my brattiness gets in the way because I am most often approached by guys. Today however, it was a tongue tied day that prevented an awesome opportunity.
This week I have had a great week where I was more willing and able to share the gospel. In my lab on Wednesday one of the guys I highly dislike came in. I try so hard to find ways to build relationships so that I may share the gospel. The place I fall short is when I don't always offer it to them directly. This particular guy has come into the lab before and so I have tried to dodge him ever since our first meeting. Often guys upon our first meeting size me up to see what they think of me. We all make a first impression of someone in our minds based off of many things. So when I meet people I see how they test me. Often they ask if I am married or about my life or a number of other random questions. When I run the lab though, the interaction is usually a bit different. In fact there are a couple guys who try to push me or try to take advantage of me. This guy from day one was very pushy and tried to get me to run the lab till the time he wanted and just was a very rude individual. I run the lab and can be very strict as I have a time schedule in my life that I try to follow to some extent. I am willing at times to make exceptions but only when I deem them necessary. So needless to say our few other meetings I tried desperately to be left alone by him.
This week my friends and I were able to hang out a bit as I was far too tired to try and study for my Spanish class. So instead, I pulled down the projector screen and we decided to watch movie trailers for about an hour or so. This was fun and I highly recommend it. My first opportunity of the day came easily for me as I had already set up a reputation in the class for being a believer from day one. They decided they wanted to watch a movie preview that I believed to be highly inappropriate and something I did not desire to watch. So, when they hit play, I quietly left the room and came back when it was finished. My friend John explained why I had left the room which opened up an opportunity with this other girl. I told her what I am about and got to share a little bit. It was awesome because they actually told me that they wanted me to be the lab tech again next semester. (That was before playing movie trailers I assure you)
Later that day all others had left and it was just me and this guy I don’t prefer at all. I got on to blog, and chatted on the phone a bit. Then I was worried he was going to try and start a fight with me so I went to assess the situation in the lab. I usually begin clean-up about 4:40 so I can get out on time. I went in and he had already cleaned up his corner and was washing his prints. That meant I could begin to clean-up lab early and get out sooner. I asked him if he needed to do anything else and if his paper was put away so that I could turn the light on and he said yes. Then I asked the Lord for an opportunity. This guy asked me if I was LDS and I replied with a chuckle that I was Christian. I get the LDS thing quit a bit and just smile and tell them I stand for something different-I stand for Jesus. He said he could tell I was religious because of the music I listened to in the lab. (I was at this time playing my David Crowder CD. It gets heard by everyone in the classroom over speakers) So then we began to chat. I found out a bit about him and what he believed. We began discussing Jews and how they believe different then Christians. I told him that the only way to prevent an eternal existence in hell was to repent and believe that Jesus was God’s son and that he died for our sins. I actually left the lab a bit late but was really excited as he promised to come in and discuss it further with me next week. That was awesome.
So that was one good opportunity this week but then I totally screwed one up today. I went to get gasoline and looked down at my tires. They looked maybe a bit low and knowing I would get yelled at by my dad if they were, I decided I would go and fill them up. I have to warn you right now I know nothing of cars. In fact I can't even remember how to open my hood. However, I am willing to try and figure out anything. So I pretended to know what to do with tires. I was digging in my car for some change as to turn the air thing on. A guy walked up to me and asked me for some change so that he could get gas since he had apparently run out. I often think that people just try to take advantage of me because I have a cross on the back of my car. I am learning I actually like this as it brings opportunities to me. At this point I told the guy that I was currently digging for change myself and would let him know if I found any. He agreed and walked away.
Meanwhile I dropped two quarters into the machine and began filling my tire with air. I saw there was a meter on it when I would pull it out of the tire air thing and remembered there is a certain amount of air necessary for a tire. I made two phone calls to guys to ask how much air went in a tire. They gave me a guesstimate. At this point I decided I would let the car people do it as I had to get my oil changed next anyway. Then I decided to go and find this guy. I had been watching him as all this car stuff was going on to access the situation. So at this point I turned to go find him. He was laying in his car in front of the gas pump. I knocked slowly and he sat up. I handed over my two to three dollars in change and asked him if that would be enough to get him where he was going. He said yes and I thanked me as I walked back to my car. I got in and asked God for an opportunity here.
I drove back over to the pump after he paid and came back out. I asked him where he was going. He told me Dobson and Southern and thanks again as that should get him there. I then asked him what was there. He told me the hospital. I dug further and asked him why and what had happened and if he would be O.K. He told me briefly about his brother and how he was a heroine addict and had gotten a blood infection from shooting up. He said he might be in there for up to 6 months. I just chatted with him a few more minutes and was searching for something to say but what I wanted did not come out. He thanked me again as I drove off. As I drove off I realized how stupid I had been. I had not once asked him if I could pray for his brother though I thought about it immediately upon leaving. Tears formed in my eyes as I realized the mistake and missed opportunity. I thought how that may have been this guys only opportunity and I did not share the gospel with him. I really began to cry a bit as my heart broke for him and my opportunity now thrown into the wind.
Then I went to change my oil. While there, one of the workers came up to talk with me. He began asking me questions about school and what I did. We chatted about photography and I found out he liked taking pictures of nature and he liked to hunt. He asked me about New Years (because I was figuring out the age of my car by trying to remember what year it was) and I told him about my family and that we invited our missions team and church friends over for a party. He said that he was nothing like that and that that did not sound like any fun to him. I said quite the contrary it was awesome. Also I asked him what he meant and he told me he was a redneck and he was not like me. I told him I had a sister who was a believer in North Carolina. She is a redneck who likes to hunt but that doesn't mean she is not like me. So after he decided I was no longer worth pursuing conversation with, I moved on and into the lobby.
This opportunity was different then the first but once again I had not offered him Jesus specifically. I want so desperately to let that pour forth from my lips before anything else. I do try to live in a way that displays Christ to the world but if I never take a moment to actually offer it them then what. So I was pondering all this as I was driving and know that I have difficulty with guys because so often they are only trying to "pick me up" and so conversations with them are usually geared toward turning them off. I have just had a few too many of those conversations but have also been trying to take opportunities at the same time. I actually wear my purity ring on my wedding finger to try and detour guys from thinking I am available so that I do not have conversations based on an attempt at finding a girl to date. This way if I can get past my own attitude the Holy Spirit can work through me more often. When I stop throwing myself in the way and move past my emotion.
Still feeling a bit sad about the first missed opportunity though I began to think about what would happen if I tried to find him in the hospital. More then likely that would never be possible and I would only waste my time trying to fix a missed opportunity. This did however change my thinking a bit. I decided I should have gone back to chat with him a third time instead of being worried that I had already driven away. Basically I decided it doesn't matter what they think only that they are going to spend eternity in hell if they miss out on hearing the gospel.
I have decided, because of this, to live my life more dangerously for the sake of the gospel. I thought how sad it would be to become afraid of people or circumstances when I feel like God is calling me to it. So I want to be more friendly, talk more about what Jesus does and how he is the only way to the Father. I want to take more chances and more risks. Talking to people on the street, down town, the guys around me. I would rather live my life dangerously for the sake of the gospel then live one that is worthless. Really. By this I don't mean I am stooping to stupidity, but I used to be much more fearless and right now is the time. I am single, young, with only one thing to live for. My God, my Savior, my Jesus.
This week I have had a great week where I was more willing and able to share the gospel. In my lab on Wednesday one of the guys I highly dislike came in. I try so hard to find ways to build relationships so that I may share the gospel. The place I fall short is when I don't always offer it to them directly. This particular guy has come into the lab before and so I have tried to dodge him ever since our first meeting. Often guys upon our first meeting size me up to see what they think of me. We all make a first impression of someone in our minds based off of many things. So when I meet people I see how they test me. Often they ask if I am married or about my life or a number of other random questions. When I run the lab though, the interaction is usually a bit different. In fact there are a couple guys who try to push me or try to take advantage of me. This guy from day one was very pushy and tried to get me to run the lab till the time he wanted and just was a very rude individual. I run the lab and can be very strict as I have a time schedule in my life that I try to follow to some extent. I am willing at times to make exceptions but only when I deem them necessary. So needless to say our few other meetings I tried desperately to be left alone by him.
This week my friends and I were able to hang out a bit as I was far too tired to try and study for my Spanish class. So instead, I pulled down the projector screen and we decided to watch movie trailers for about an hour or so. This was fun and I highly recommend it. My first opportunity of the day came easily for me as I had already set up a reputation in the class for being a believer from day one. They decided they wanted to watch a movie preview that I believed to be highly inappropriate and something I did not desire to watch. So, when they hit play, I quietly left the room and came back when it was finished. My friend John explained why I had left the room which opened up an opportunity with this other girl. I told her what I am about and got to share a little bit. It was awesome because they actually told me that they wanted me to be the lab tech again next semester. (That was before playing movie trailers I assure you)
Later that day all others had left and it was just me and this guy I don’t prefer at all. I got on to blog, and chatted on the phone a bit. Then I was worried he was going to try and start a fight with me so I went to assess the situation in the lab. I usually begin clean-up about 4:40 so I can get out on time. I went in and he had already cleaned up his corner and was washing his prints. That meant I could begin to clean-up lab early and get out sooner. I asked him if he needed to do anything else and if his paper was put away so that I could turn the light on and he said yes. Then I asked the Lord for an opportunity. This guy asked me if I was LDS and I replied with a chuckle that I was Christian. I get the LDS thing quit a bit and just smile and tell them I stand for something different-I stand for Jesus. He said he could tell I was religious because of the music I listened to in the lab. (I was at this time playing my David Crowder CD. It gets heard by everyone in the classroom over speakers) So then we began to chat. I found out a bit about him and what he believed. We began discussing Jews and how they believe different then Christians. I told him that the only way to prevent an eternal existence in hell was to repent and believe that Jesus was God’s son and that he died for our sins. I actually left the lab a bit late but was really excited as he promised to come in and discuss it further with me next week. That was awesome.
So that was one good opportunity this week but then I totally screwed one up today. I went to get gasoline and looked down at my tires. They looked maybe a bit low and knowing I would get yelled at by my dad if they were, I decided I would go and fill them up. I have to warn you right now I know nothing of cars. In fact I can't even remember how to open my hood. However, I am willing to try and figure out anything. So I pretended to know what to do with tires. I was digging in my car for some change as to turn the air thing on. A guy walked up to me and asked me for some change so that he could get gas since he had apparently run out. I often think that people just try to take advantage of me because I have a cross on the back of my car. I am learning I actually like this as it brings opportunities to me. At this point I told the guy that I was currently digging for change myself and would let him know if I found any. He agreed and walked away.
Meanwhile I dropped two quarters into the machine and began filling my tire with air. I saw there was a meter on it when I would pull it out of the tire air thing and remembered there is a certain amount of air necessary for a tire. I made two phone calls to guys to ask how much air went in a tire. They gave me a guesstimate. At this point I decided I would let the car people do it as I had to get my oil changed next anyway. Then I decided to go and find this guy. I had been watching him as all this car stuff was going on to access the situation. So at this point I turned to go find him. He was laying in his car in front of the gas pump. I knocked slowly and he sat up. I handed over my two to three dollars in change and asked him if that would be enough to get him where he was going. He said yes and I thanked me as I walked back to my car. I got in and asked God for an opportunity here.
I drove back over to the pump after he paid and came back out. I asked him where he was going. He told me Dobson and Southern and thanks again as that should get him there. I then asked him what was there. He told me the hospital. I dug further and asked him why and what had happened and if he would be O.K. He told me briefly about his brother and how he was a heroine addict and had gotten a blood infection from shooting up. He said he might be in there for up to 6 months. I just chatted with him a few more minutes and was searching for something to say but what I wanted did not come out. He thanked me again as I drove off. As I drove off I realized how stupid I had been. I had not once asked him if I could pray for his brother though I thought about it immediately upon leaving. Tears formed in my eyes as I realized the mistake and missed opportunity. I thought how that may have been this guys only opportunity and I did not share the gospel with him. I really began to cry a bit as my heart broke for him and my opportunity now thrown into the wind.
Then I went to change my oil. While there, one of the workers came up to talk with me. He began asking me questions about school and what I did. We chatted about photography and I found out he liked taking pictures of nature and he liked to hunt. He asked me about New Years (because I was figuring out the age of my car by trying to remember what year it was) and I told him about my family and that we invited our missions team and church friends over for a party. He said that he was nothing like that and that that did not sound like any fun to him. I said quite the contrary it was awesome. Also I asked him what he meant and he told me he was a redneck and he was not like me. I told him I had a sister who was a believer in North Carolina. She is a redneck who likes to hunt but that doesn't mean she is not like me. So after he decided I was no longer worth pursuing conversation with, I moved on and into the lobby.
This opportunity was different then the first but once again I had not offered him Jesus specifically. I want so desperately to let that pour forth from my lips before anything else. I do try to live in a way that displays Christ to the world but if I never take a moment to actually offer it them then what. So I was pondering all this as I was driving and know that I have difficulty with guys because so often they are only trying to "pick me up" and so conversations with them are usually geared toward turning them off. I have just had a few too many of those conversations but have also been trying to take opportunities at the same time. I actually wear my purity ring on my wedding finger to try and detour guys from thinking I am available so that I do not have conversations based on an attempt at finding a girl to date. This way if I can get past my own attitude the Holy Spirit can work through me more often. When I stop throwing myself in the way and move past my emotion.
Still feeling a bit sad about the first missed opportunity though I began to think about what would happen if I tried to find him in the hospital. More then likely that would never be possible and I would only waste my time trying to fix a missed opportunity. This did however change my thinking a bit. I decided I should have gone back to chat with him a third time instead of being worried that I had already driven away. Basically I decided it doesn't matter what they think only that they are going to spend eternity in hell if they miss out on hearing the gospel.
I have decided, because of this, to live my life more dangerously for the sake of the gospel. I thought how sad it would be to become afraid of people or circumstances when I feel like God is calling me to it. So I want to be more friendly, talk more about what Jesus does and how he is the only way to the Father. I want to take more chances and more risks. Talking to people on the street, down town, the guys around me. I would rather live my life dangerously for the sake of the gospel then live one that is worthless. Really. By this I don't mean I am stooping to stupidity, but I used to be much more fearless and right now is the time. I am single, young, with only one thing to live for. My God, my Savior, my Jesus.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Truths in little things
The alarm went off at 3:15 a.m. this morning. A strange sound was coming from my phone, as it has for the last two years become my wake-up. I usually roll over and hit the snooze button at least one to five times depending on how tired I am and how much time I think I need that morning. Today however, is Wednesday and there is lots to do before departing at 4:10. I jump up slowly and allow my feet to hit the cold wood flooring. Yes, I know it is summer but I am particularly fond of the two blankets, five pillows, and numerus stuffed animals in my bed so I keep the air a bit cooler in there. Up I go out of bed to where the surprisingly joyful melody is coming from and turn it off quickly before it no longer sounds joyful. (This is when I have decided not to get out of bed to turn it off. I have learned that after about a minute of its incessant singing it will turn itself off.)
I head down my stairs and grab an apple and some tea while I try to shake off the grogginess and get motivated for the day. Next it is off to shower and wardrobe choice. I try to turn the shower radio on but not too loudly so I don't wake anyone else up. Sad, mostly static and I don't feel like going upstairs again yet to grab a CD. I love music and it makes me happy so I suffer through it. Next, outfit selection, which is made rather simple since I work at Starbucks. Black pants so not to get them dirty and a black shirt as I have learned it is difficult to hide any tattoos through white shirts. (Should of thought of that when I got those things permanently pushed beneath my skin. I like art and I probably would have gotten them anyway. Hmmm. Should have thought the art through better.)
Now I have about twenty minutes (like I have any sense of time that early in the morning. Oh, did I mention I sometimes loose twenty minutes just walking through the doorway) to put it all together. Hair wet I quickly pull it back into a pony and now I begin the search for socks. This seems to be quit a problem for me as I never have enough and I change them once or twice a day. I run back down my stairs and am lucky to find some in my laundry basket. I think they are clean but really don't have time to figure it out or wash any. So I do the smell check. (This is kinda gross but I work at a place I leave covered in coffee smells, syrup, and whipped cream anyway so I get away with throwing it together quickly. Besides, I have never been a morning person by any definition so I am lucky to make it out of the house that early wearing everything necessary to be presentable in public. Let me tell you there have been many an occasion my shirt was buttoned inside out and my hair was literally dripping wet not to mention the times I have left without shoes and other misc. things.)
Next I have to figure out what day it is so that I know what I need when I leave the house. Last night was college group so that makes today Wednesday, at least I think. So my next plan of action is to find something to change into after work and then remember my gym clothes. This is not easy as I am still struggling to think clearly. I am not in a bad mood by any means, just a bit sleepy. So I find pants, belt, shirt, make sure to have tank top in case shirt is too short, pull out a jacket, track down sandals and hope it all matches later. Then, I grab something to wear at the gym and tennis shoes to go with it. Now I am headed back down my stairs with a pile of stuff. I get to the bottom and realized I did not have a belt on. So after a trip up and down again I think all is well. Nope. My apron is upstairs so I go to retrieve it. The cutest thing in the world, my ferret Bear, distracts me. She wants to give kisses and play and since I can't resist I chase her all around my bed with my hand. This takes about four or five minutes but her snuggling is so worth it. Back down the stairs again. Back up again as I forgot my cellphone (life and death : ) . Finally the up and down game is done.
Next I must find something to bring to eat so I don't have to make any stops. This takes another 3 or four minutes. I am ready to leave. Oh, wait. I need more socks for the gym. I go on a search and somehow track down a pair I must have borrowed from Amy. (I assume this because they are white and I only own black) Ok, out the door I go and I am risking my life as I balance a pile of stuff. Clothes, food, bag, planner, shoes, and keys in hand and water bottle in mouth. I work my way out the door and manage to lock it. Then my kitty Tomi wants to say good morning. She only likes to hang out when I am home and is very good at making sure to greet me hello, follow me in the house, and give me a goodbye walk to my car as I leave. You should see her hop as I come home when I have been gone all day. Animals are so cute. I drive away. Are you tired yet because at this point in the morning I have already begun winding back down?
I arrive about ten minutes before I am scheduled and must wait in my car until a co-worker shows up. They usually run right to the minute so this is the point of my morning that the music gets a little louder so can I stay awake. This is a bit easier now, but in the winter when I am bundled up and have the heat going seems impossible. So she arrives and it is time to set up the store. The co-worker who closed the night before thought it would be funny to hide two of the four coffee spouts and place notes all over the store to send us on a scavenger hunt. At 4:30 a.m. this is not very funny though it still amuses me. I will have to deal with it later and do my best now as I have about twenty minutes to get the store prepped for open.
Finally the day is going and I am running the shift and floating the line as the crowd begins. Aces in their places and by 7ish I am wound up enough to do what I need to do. I run around and get the store ready and prepared, as I want it so we are ready for the line that will be to the door. Now, it is time to plan out the rest of the day. The major line is gone there are lunches, breaks, a deposit to do, and cleaning and restocking. After an hour or so it is my breaktime. I sit down and borrow my friends IPod while on my lunch break. This is when I am so thankful there is a believer at my job (one with an IPod). I spend my lunch listening to some Chris Tomlin, reading the Word and thinking. The day has really only begun still and it is about 10:15. So I sit and reflect on what I want to read, the lyrics to the songs, and the little things in life that remind me of spiritual lessens or truths.
The first life lesson that really amused me during my early morning break at Starbucks one morning was learned over a cup of hot cereal. I don't know if things just seem simpler at that time of day or if I just am really easily amused. (Well, let's just say I really am easily amused by myself. I often crack myself up and laugh about it outloud. I find I often have to explain my seemingly random laughter to others as it is brought up completely because what I am thinking about. Have you ever had to pretend like you are talking to someone on the phone just because a thought of yours cracks you up that bad? Yep, that totally happens to me a little too often. Oh, especially in the car but I have already told you some of my car experiences.) So back to the truths my hot Kashi cereal will reveal. I took a small cup and put the oatmeal like substance in the bottom. Then I added really hot water say about 190'F. Then I stir. Seems like a super simple task right. Sure. I then sit in the quiet and eat. The cereal is OK but really does not seem to be the greatest ever. I have never tried this flavor before so assume that I just don't care too terribly much for it.
So I am sitting and thinking. I wonder what the ingredients are in this cereal. Yes, I am silly sometimes but I really like details I guess and so pull the wrapper out from the trash as it is still sitting on top. I looked around to find the ingredients and instead was distracted by the cooking instructions. I obviously thought I was smart enough to cook oatmeal. Wrong, definitely wrong. The label says...Cooking Directions....... Just adding boiling water will not cook the whole grains. Umm.... that is really funny because this is like day three or four of eating uncooked hot cereal now. Yep, I laughed. Then I laughed because once I microwaved it I found it was actually pretty tasty. That is what remained of it in the cup as I had now microwaved very hot water for too long. It left half of the cereal on the bottom of the microwave. My only excuse, it was very early and I usually average about 3 to 4 hours of sleep a night. It reminded me of many things.
First off I thought about how much I trust in myself and my own knowledge and experience to base my actions from. Let me tell you how great a comparison this is for my walk with God. I so often just do things because I think that is how it should be. I trust my knowledge and my strength to get it done. So I was reading and came across Proverbs 3:5-7
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.
Yeah, I love spiritual truths in little things. I love knowing God's word is His instruction manual for our lives. And without it life will never be the same. Think of the mistakes we make and how things turn out. Think about when we sin and we know we are doing it and the earthly consequences that occur because of our sin.
I though back farther to a point when I was very young and decided to bake some cookies. I never have been much for following directions if I can help it and so just looked up the list of ingredients. I added them as they were listed and then mixed them all together in one big bowl. I then measured them out and baked them only to find out something had gone wrong. The entire batch was ruined and each cookie was as heavy as a rock. I had missed many steps when adding the ingredients and the only thing left to do was toss them and start again. That my friend, is how I see God working in my life sometimes. Well, sort of.
I realized at that point how God can and does take the mess and fix it. It is called refinement and I am thankful for it. I can not fix a messed up batch of anything but He really can. And I am thankful He gives us an instruction manual completed with ingredients and all. Take a little Jesus, some Holy Spirit, and God our Father and you get a complete person. That is exciting and encouraging all rolled into one. I love learning things and I love it when God teaches me these things through simple life examples.
I really would explain this more but it makes sense to me. My example really runs much deeper in my mind but I am really, really, tired and am to the point I won't be making any logical discussion soon. So, hopefully you can find your own examples of God. When we see how big He is and how in control our view of Him gets bigger. We become more dependent and more trusting and that is exactly where I want to be. I want to be in His arms and let Him carry me through all things at all times. Yep, what an AWESOME God and loving Father we have.
I head down my stairs and grab an apple and some tea while I try to shake off the grogginess and get motivated for the day. Next it is off to shower and wardrobe choice. I try to turn the shower radio on but not too loudly so I don't wake anyone else up. Sad, mostly static and I don't feel like going upstairs again yet to grab a CD. I love music and it makes me happy so I suffer through it. Next, outfit selection, which is made rather simple since I work at Starbucks. Black pants so not to get them dirty and a black shirt as I have learned it is difficult to hide any tattoos through white shirts. (Should of thought of that when I got those things permanently pushed beneath my skin. I like art and I probably would have gotten them anyway. Hmmm. Should have thought the art through better.)
Now I have about twenty minutes (like I have any sense of time that early in the morning. Oh, did I mention I sometimes loose twenty minutes just walking through the doorway) to put it all together. Hair wet I quickly pull it back into a pony and now I begin the search for socks. This seems to be quit a problem for me as I never have enough and I change them once or twice a day. I run back down my stairs and am lucky to find some in my laundry basket. I think they are clean but really don't have time to figure it out or wash any. So I do the smell check. (This is kinda gross but I work at a place I leave covered in coffee smells, syrup, and whipped cream anyway so I get away with throwing it together quickly. Besides, I have never been a morning person by any definition so I am lucky to make it out of the house that early wearing everything necessary to be presentable in public. Let me tell you there have been many an occasion my shirt was buttoned inside out and my hair was literally dripping wet not to mention the times I have left without shoes and other misc. things.)
Next I have to figure out what day it is so that I know what I need when I leave the house. Last night was college group so that makes today Wednesday, at least I think. So my next plan of action is to find something to change into after work and then remember my gym clothes. This is not easy as I am still struggling to think clearly. I am not in a bad mood by any means, just a bit sleepy. So I find pants, belt, shirt, make sure to have tank top in case shirt is too short, pull out a jacket, track down sandals and hope it all matches later. Then, I grab something to wear at the gym and tennis shoes to go with it. Now I am headed back down my stairs with a pile of stuff. I get to the bottom and realized I did not have a belt on. So after a trip up and down again I think all is well. Nope. My apron is upstairs so I go to retrieve it. The cutest thing in the world, my ferret Bear, distracts me. She wants to give kisses and play and since I can't resist I chase her all around my bed with my hand. This takes about four or five minutes but her snuggling is so worth it. Back down the stairs again. Back up again as I forgot my cellphone (life and death : ) . Finally the up and down game is done.
Next I must find something to bring to eat so I don't have to make any stops. This takes another 3 or four minutes. I am ready to leave. Oh, wait. I need more socks for the gym. I go on a search and somehow track down a pair I must have borrowed from Amy. (I assume this because they are white and I only own black) Ok, out the door I go and I am risking my life as I balance a pile of stuff. Clothes, food, bag, planner, shoes, and keys in hand and water bottle in mouth. I work my way out the door and manage to lock it. Then my kitty Tomi wants to say good morning. She only likes to hang out when I am home and is very good at making sure to greet me hello, follow me in the house, and give me a goodbye walk to my car as I leave. You should see her hop as I come home when I have been gone all day. Animals are so cute. I drive away. Are you tired yet because at this point in the morning I have already begun winding back down?
I arrive about ten minutes before I am scheduled and must wait in my car until a co-worker shows up. They usually run right to the minute so this is the point of my morning that the music gets a little louder so can I stay awake. This is a bit easier now, but in the winter when I am bundled up and have the heat going seems impossible. So she arrives and it is time to set up the store. The co-worker who closed the night before thought it would be funny to hide two of the four coffee spouts and place notes all over the store to send us on a scavenger hunt. At 4:30 a.m. this is not very funny though it still amuses me. I will have to deal with it later and do my best now as I have about twenty minutes to get the store prepped for open.
Finally the day is going and I am running the shift and floating the line as the crowd begins. Aces in their places and by 7ish I am wound up enough to do what I need to do. I run around and get the store ready and prepared, as I want it so we are ready for the line that will be to the door. Now, it is time to plan out the rest of the day. The major line is gone there are lunches, breaks, a deposit to do, and cleaning and restocking. After an hour or so it is my breaktime. I sit down and borrow my friends IPod while on my lunch break. This is when I am so thankful there is a believer at my job (one with an IPod). I spend my lunch listening to some Chris Tomlin, reading the Word and thinking. The day has really only begun still and it is about 10:15. So I sit and reflect on what I want to read, the lyrics to the songs, and the little things in life that remind me of spiritual lessens or truths.
The first life lesson that really amused me during my early morning break at Starbucks one morning was learned over a cup of hot cereal. I don't know if things just seem simpler at that time of day or if I just am really easily amused. (Well, let's just say I really am easily amused by myself. I often crack myself up and laugh about it outloud. I find I often have to explain my seemingly random laughter to others as it is brought up completely because what I am thinking about. Have you ever had to pretend like you are talking to someone on the phone just because a thought of yours cracks you up that bad? Yep, that totally happens to me a little too often. Oh, especially in the car but I have already told you some of my car experiences.) So back to the truths my hot Kashi cereal will reveal. I took a small cup and put the oatmeal like substance in the bottom. Then I added really hot water say about 190'F. Then I stir. Seems like a super simple task right. Sure. I then sit in the quiet and eat. The cereal is OK but really does not seem to be the greatest ever. I have never tried this flavor before so assume that I just don't care too terribly much for it.
So I am sitting and thinking. I wonder what the ingredients are in this cereal. Yes, I am silly sometimes but I really like details I guess and so pull the wrapper out from the trash as it is still sitting on top. I looked around to find the ingredients and instead was distracted by the cooking instructions. I obviously thought I was smart enough to cook oatmeal. Wrong, definitely wrong. The label says...Cooking Directions....... Just adding boiling water will not cook the whole grains. Umm.... that is really funny because this is like day three or four of eating uncooked hot cereal now. Yep, I laughed. Then I laughed because once I microwaved it I found it was actually pretty tasty. That is what remained of it in the cup as I had now microwaved very hot water for too long. It left half of the cereal on the bottom of the microwave. My only excuse, it was very early and I usually average about 3 to 4 hours of sleep a night. It reminded me of many things.
First off I thought about how much I trust in myself and my own knowledge and experience to base my actions from. Let me tell you how great a comparison this is for my walk with God. I so often just do things because I think that is how it should be. I trust my knowledge and my strength to get it done. So I was reading and came across Proverbs 3:5-7
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.
Yeah, I love spiritual truths in little things. I love knowing God's word is His instruction manual for our lives. And without it life will never be the same. Think of the mistakes we make and how things turn out. Think about when we sin and we know we are doing it and the earthly consequences that occur because of our sin.
I though back farther to a point when I was very young and decided to bake some cookies. I never have been much for following directions if I can help it and so just looked up the list of ingredients. I added them as they were listed and then mixed them all together in one big bowl. I then measured them out and baked them only to find out something had gone wrong. The entire batch was ruined and each cookie was as heavy as a rock. I had missed many steps when adding the ingredients and the only thing left to do was toss them and start again. That my friend, is how I see God working in my life sometimes. Well, sort of.
I realized at that point how God can and does take the mess and fix it. It is called refinement and I am thankful for it. I can not fix a messed up batch of anything but He really can. And I am thankful He gives us an instruction manual completed with ingredients and all. Take a little Jesus, some Holy Spirit, and God our Father and you get a complete person. That is exciting and encouraging all rolled into one. I love learning things and I love it when God teaches me these things through simple life examples.
I really would explain this more but it makes sense to me. My example really runs much deeper in my mind but I am really, really, tired and am to the point I won't be making any logical discussion soon. So, hopefully you can find your own examples of God. When we see how big He is and how in control our view of Him gets bigger. We become more dependent and more trusting and that is exactly where I want to be. I want to be in His arms and let Him carry me through all things at all times. Yep, what an AWESOME God and loving Father we have.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
My most pointless blog.
Every Wednesday I run the photo lab at school for about three hours. This time is often difficult for me to sit through as I always open my Starbucks on Wednesday so by four or five Pm. I am usually a bit groggy. I volunteered here in order that I would be able to use the lab. What I did not plan was how to fit my own personal photo time into my schedule and so I have done nothing but work the lab since January.
The first couple weeks I did not know what to do with the time as I am planted for three hours. Most of the people are in the darkroom developing their film. This leaves me as room D.J., occational question answerer and a person struggling to stay awake at times. Then, one of my friends John decided he would give me his computer password so that explains many of my blogs being typed on Wednesdays or at least drafted. Think what you would do for three hours primarily in one spot like a teacher. I try at times at a quit time but am so often interrupted. I try to make a point to share if I can and this happens now and again. Mostly, I think. If you were only in my head...it goes and goes.
Sometimes there are fun people to meet and chat with. Other times there are a couple guys that make me extremely uncomfortable so I ask John to stay or call Ben. I have to run the show for three hours making and enforcing rules, playing around and finding ways to amuse myself. I am extremely tired as Wednesday are often my longest days leaving the house at four am to return at about 1 am. Yep, I am in desperate need of sleep I just havn't quit figured out where to pencil it in my schedule. Today though, I get a nap after lab. At least I think.
So today's random blog is just that, random. I am winding down to about the last hour and am currently thinking about make-up and hair. This may seem strange to you but I never get ready...well, almost never. No one at school see's me ready at least and that is good since I try desperately to ignore all but two or three of the guys in the lab. Still working on this-the being nice thing. The girls are cool though. So I happened to pass a mirror and suddenly realized I had on makeup and my hair rather then in it's totally messy knot was longer and straight. Basically, I had come straight from an interview to the Paasch's to here. Simple enough right?
Well, it led me to think about make-up and hair and how we are expected to wear in in order to be beautiful. Well, I don't like wearing it most of the time. I like how it looks, but I don't like it enough to motivate me to do it often. I feel that putting on make-up ( 5-10 minutes) and blowdrying my hair (a 25-40 minutes) can be such a waste of time. Besides, I know too many girls who get so caught up in that they simply can not do with out it. Umm....that is not me. No way and no thank you. I am simply responsible for being clean (most of the time) ") Besides I do not get enough sleep as it is no use in loosing more!
Makeup is so funny and such a necessity to most girls. I know it is to make yourself "feel good" or to look good. But then you must ask who your trying to look good for. Many women will say for themselves but then that becomes pride. (In my opinion) Or if they are getting ready for people well isn't that pride as well? It's all about what others think right? Don't get me wrong I wear it when I want to get dressed up every once and awhile. Or, if I have someone to get ready for. But any other time I don't personally see a point. It is much different if there is a specific person who you do it for who likes you "made up." I literally straighten my hair like two two three times a month. Do people like it? Usually. Do I care? Not as much as they would like to think. Maybe it all comes down to laziness? I don't really know but anyways enough about make-up and the photo lab. I get to shut it down now.
This is a whole other topic for a different time and place. I am going to leave so I can wash this stuff off my face, get in my P.J.s and take a good three hour nap. Love ya all.
The first couple weeks I did not know what to do with the time as I am planted for three hours. Most of the people are in the darkroom developing their film. This leaves me as room D.J., occational question answerer and a person struggling to stay awake at times. Then, one of my friends John decided he would give me his computer password so that explains many of my blogs being typed on Wednesdays or at least drafted. Think what you would do for three hours primarily in one spot like a teacher. I try at times at a quit time but am so often interrupted. I try to make a point to share if I can and this happens now and again. Mostly, I think. If you were only in my head...it goes and goes.
Sometimes there are fun people to meet and chat with. Other times there are a couple guys that make me extremely uncomfortable so I ask John to stay or call Ben. I have to run the show for three hours making and enforcing rules, playing around and finding ways to amuse myself. I am extremely tired as Wednesday are often my longest days leaving the house at four am to return at about 1 am. Yep, I am in desperate need of sleep I just havn't quit figured out where to pencil it in my schedule. Today though, I get a nap after lab. At least I think.
So today's random blog is just that, random. I am winding down to about the last hour and am currently thinking about make-up and hair. This may seem strange to you but I never get ready...well, almost never. No one at school see's me ready at least and that is good since I try desperately to ignore all but two or three of the guys in the lab. Still working on this-the being nice thing. The girls are cool though. So I happened to pass a mirror and suddenly realized I had on makeup and my hair rather then in it's totally messy knot was longer and straight. Basically, I had come straight from an interview to the Paasch's to here. Simple enough right?
Well, it led me to think about make-up and hair and how we are expected to wear in in order to be beautiful. Well, I don't like wearing it most of the time. I like how it looks, but I don't like it enough to motivate me to do it often. I feel that putting on make-up ( 5-10 minutes) and blowdrying my hair (a 25-40 minutes) can be such a waste of time. Besides, I know too many girls who get so caught up in that they simply can not do with out it. Umm....that is not me. No way and no thank you. I am simply responsible for being clean (most of the time) ") Besides I do not get enough sleep as it is no use in loosing more!
Makeup is so funny and such a necessity to most girls. I know it is to make yourself "feel good" or to look good. But then you must ask who your trying to look good for. Many women will say for themselves but then that becomes pride. (In my opinion) Or if they are getting ready for people well isn't that pride as well? It's all about what others think right? Don't get me wrong I wear it when I want to get dressed up every once and awhile. Or, if I have someone to get ready for. But any other time I don't personally see a point. It is much different if there is a specific person who you do it for who likes you "made up." I literally straighten my hair like two two three times a month. Do people like it? Usually. Do I care? Not as much as they would like to think. Maybe it all comes down to laziness? I don't really know but anyways enough about make-up and the photo lab. I get to shut it down now.
This is a whole other topic for a different time and place. I am going to leave so I can wash this stuff off my face, get in my P.J.s and take a good three hour nap. Love ya all.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Resonating Magnetism
This is very long so if you don't have time you may not want to read this blog. There....you have been warned and it is off my conscience.
Ambition
Seven:ten aspires to be a people with such a dynamic spirit of worship and servanthood that we are a magnet for people needing help. We desire to be a community where insincere people tend to fall away and sincere people long to belong. And, most important, it is to be a community where people find Christ and grow to spiritual maturity.
This is the heart, or ambition behind the college ministry known as seven:ten. I am part of the ministry which is just a small piece to the puzzle of God's children. The message last night went well with some things I have been chewing on lately. Especially in regards to being a people of magnetism, or a person of magnetism. Let's revamp and evaluate the situation here.
I am a social butterfly or so I have been told by those who know me. I would just say I really value relationships and being in people's lives. Call it what you will but I have been know to travel in many circles sometimes all at once and other times one at a time. Usually the former rather then the later but that is just because my A.D.D. allows for some serious thinking and multitasking abilities. I strive to maintain these relationships and make them an opportunity to be a display case for the Lord in the good and the bad. I work in coffee shops, dance, go to school, and generally find other friends outside of this. Many of these so called friends are of the male gender. This is where the situation gets quite sticky.
Before I was a believer and even a couple years after being saved I had established an extreme attachment to guys. I was boy crazy growing up which is not always the case for the girl who also happens to be a tomboy. My cousin and I are only a week apart and so him and I grew up often as brother and sister. I spent all my free time at home and school hanging out with the boys. Growing up it was my only option as I had only male neighbors and so between Nintendo and playing Superman I quickly learned to enjoy their company. I would run and play, get quite dirty, wrestle, etc. When I was in Junior High it was even more interesting. I went to a couple very tiny Montessori schools - meaning that grade 6-8 had very few students. In fact, my 7th and 8 grade class had me and one other girl in the class to about 6 or 8 boys. What fun do you think we had? Oh, and I was always on the upper hand in this, being the girlier of the two and having a past hanging out with the guys.
High School came as a bit of a shock. I went to a private Christian High School and so my class now had about 90 students in it. This was the biggest class and school I had ever attended and so became extremely shy. Hmmmm.... I soon was befriended by a guy named Jesse and through him met a guy named Tres. Anyways I had found at least two guys to hang around safely and cling to so I felt OK again. I didn't hang out with people outside of school anymore but at school I still followed the guys. The more high school went the more I began to hit culture shock. I grew up always having crushes on guys but really seeing them more as my best friends. Now I was in a world where people were dating, kissing and telling, sleeping around and all kinds of other nonsense I didn't think of as reality. It sounds odd but even though I was not a believer I lived a very "sheltered" life as I always went to small private schools and grew up in a Catholic house. I had never imagined this was the reality of the situation and my world was sort of shattered. My pure, innocent bubble popped and the more I learned the more calloused I became to what I heard.
This all had a significant affect on my life and how I began to see relationships. I began to fear guys as I suddenly didn't know what to expect. My relationship was not close with my father or my grandfather, who I lived with, and though I still had my crushes I no longer knew how to respond. It was at that time nothing was able to shock me any longer no matter what someone did or said...my shock factor was gone and would probably never return. I began to back off from all guys and to change. Somehow my goody-goody rep would change with my evolving view of men.
By my Junior year I had managed to change my reputation and it soon became my safety net. I hid behind a bad reputation that had nothing to back it up except for my growing tough girl attitude. I did not feel protected and so began to try and protect myself in whatever manner possible. So now the things guys would say about me were completely wrong and negative, but I knew they wouldn't make fun of me, or try and take advantage of me. Basically they would leave me only with the exception of an occasional dirty or derogatory remark which I shrugged off with some smart alec reply.
This was also the point in life where guys begin to test the waters out and people actually begin dating. Not for me though. I always wanted to - believe you me - but God thankfully had other plans. At this point I probably would have gotten myself in quite a bit of trouble, as I knew if I did date I had a reputation to uphold. This is also the point I somehow became extremely picky about who I would like or date. I have never been an easy catch for any guy. I would literally stop liking a guy the second he liked me or as soon as I found something about him I disliked. This constant picky attitude kept me clear away from any relationship though there were almost a couple. Then there were the guys who I really liked enough to date but they of course did not like me back and so I began to understand rejection and hurt as well. I saw what it did and felt the sting of thinking someone liked you and finding out the terrible truth that we were "just friends".
Into college I took this, and rather then getting better, my hurt grew worse. I was even farther from my dad emotionally then before and now desperately seeking male companionship. I had become a believer during the summer between my Junior and Senior year of High School and being a new creation began to change. With that change came the outgoing, spunky, playful and bold girl I am today. This is great if it is all for the Lord, but when your sin gets mixed up in this there can be more problems. I began desperately seeking any attention and affection I could possible get from my growing number of guy friends.
And so, my college experience became a series of guy pals who I would spend as much time with as possible. Then, a had a rather negative experience at the church I became a believer at and decided to take my faith elsewhere. I would do this thing on my own even though I had no idea how to accomplish this. I was in the Word when I could be but didn't even begin to pretend I was looking for a church as I now had a bitter taste in my mouth from Christians. So instead I became friends with the people I worked with or should I say the guys I worked with. Not the best situation I could have put myself in. Especially when they were all of legal drinking age.
My experiences with guys were now bordering that sketchy area and wisdom and God's conscience told me I was being stupid, but I was so desperate for love I was willing to do anything. I spent many a late night out with Jimmy, and Mike and eventually Tyson. This is where I began to learn my alcohol limits and how to go well beyond since one beer would do it for me. Two and I was really bad. This soon became a pattern for me and a part of my life. This was also the time I moved in with two guys from my work. I soon found myself in the party life. I refused drugs, but rather enjoyed the late nights, the joy you find when you have drunk too much, and the lack of inhibitions it allows you. I would crash at Jimmy's house on the couch or just hang out at Tyson's apartment. Really I was alone with this guys far too much and at parties would stay close by their side. Silly, stupid girl. This is where I need to get on my knees before God and thank HIM every day for all his protection. I look back now and realize how many "close" calls I had and how I literally was able to escape that lifestyle with nothing more then a couple guys smacking me on the lips. (completely unwanted) But really, I had been under God's protection and so nothing happened even when I did want it to.
Then the Fall semester at Chandler-Gilbert rolled around. At this point I was Ms. "Party Girl" and was rather enjoying the popularity and fun it brought about. I had plans with the guys every night and was going to bars completely under age. I had pushed God as far back in my mind and ignored the voice so long it was now softer then a whisper. I was drinking and going to raves and had, for the first time in my life, smoked pot. God finally intervened and decided I had spent far too much time drinking my depression away and seeking love in all the wrong places. I ran into a guy in my class named Bryan. (Some of you will remember this story.) Bryan never had really spoken to me before other then the fact he had made a comment about me smoking at one time. Oh, well I thought, "Who is he, anyways?". Then, we were outside in the courtyard showing off our tattoos during a break. I had a Christian tattoo that someone asked me about. I told them I used to be into God and church but found out what being a Christian was and had had enough of it. That is where Bryan stepped in and after a brief conversation we realized we had met before at my old church. He told me one of the worst things about churches were the Christians in them and I agreed and then he invited me to the college group at the church I now attend. I had not a clue at that moment where my life would be now.
So Sunday rolls around and I figure my plans with the guys have fallen through so I must now find something to do. I remembered Bryan's invitation and had no desire to go to church. However, Bryan was a guy who seemed really nice, charming and good-looking so I decide to go. (No making fun of me for this, guys - I know you know who this is.) Anyways, to make a longer story a bit shorter, I will tell you I did not see Bryan that night, but ran into a girl and guy who had gone to high school with me. After much conversing and a couple days, I began to attend this church.
I began to seek out a renewed relationship with Christ and spent time getting involved again in the church. My boy friendships did not end here and I was still in the same habits. I clung to the male guys at the church, and would hang out with them. Often enough I was the only girl. I did not see the problem here, but it was pointed out to me by the wife of the student ministries pastor. I did not understand at first and felt confused. It was then I began to realized many of my problems but this took some time to grow through. I had a few guys trying to point me the right direction but I didn't always listen or understand. Really, I had a life of one habit and God was busy trying to conform my life as it was. I was simply confused.
Where am I now? I am far from this place, and have learned in best boy-girl relationships that there is almost always one who is interested in the other in a romantic way. This is great for the future, for sure, but for my past, I needed the space. Now, I have my guy friends, but they are pretty much acquaintances. No more best guy friends. (Unless I start dating one!) Now because of my past I am extremely careful with guys, as I have still managed to never date or be in a relationship with one. Not sure how that works out - but I am more then thankful that I really have been kept out of a deep, dark mess which would have some serious repercussions now.
I was sitting in seven:ten last night as Tyler spoke of magnetism and what we should look like to the world, how people should be drawn to us and love to be around us and how we should treat people in order to make the name of Christ known. To serve, to love, to speak, to act, to do everything for Him, by Him, and to display Him. This is where I am stuck in a tar pit. I now am extremely careful around guys especially unbelievers. I don't trust their intentions or motives and so this comes out in my attitude toward them.
I basically make a joke and love my often bratty attitude toward guys. I seem to have great snotty comebacks whenever they offer undesired affection or attention. I take it very much to the extreme as I feel like I am protecting myself. I don't desire to make guys like me. I actually really only want the guys I like to like me and the rest, I try and make it very obvious I am only interested in being friends. This goes for believers as well as unbelievers. If I think a guy is into me and I don't like him back, I usually begin by ignoring him. When this doesn't work, I don't let him do things for me, or ask his opinion or for help, or even allow his protection as that is something I give to someone. I am sure this seems very funny but I don't want to hurt them later and because I am a really outgoing and friendly person people, they often mistake it for something more. Sometimes there is something more but not as often as I am just comfortable and confident around the opposite sex.
Lynne and I were speaking about this a couple weeks ago. I know it is not godly when I treat someone rudely. I feel like I have an excuse, but I really just don't know how to respond. So when a guy is a scuzbucket, I am often rude and make it clear I want nothing to do with his company. When a guys asks me to go home with him, I about chew his head off and then don't ever try to allow him to talk to me again. Basically, I don't act very Christlike. Lynne was giving me some pointers on how to respond and telling me that there is no reason to act like a brat. I was really convicted by the message and what Lynne had said to me about how I am perceived. I just really need to act differently then I do as there is no excuse to act as such. Right now, this is what I am trying to work on and grow through.
How can I maintain and remain a display case for Christ in all situations? How can I be a light and a magnet and not be mean, angry, or rude when I want to? How can I just be who God wants me to be? I want to end this with two scripture verses:
I Peter 2:9-12
But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a People for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received. Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul. Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.
Dt. 8:1-5
Every commandment which I command you today you must be careful to observe, that you may live and multiply, and go in and possess the land of which the Lord swore to your fathers. And you shall remember that the Lord your God led you all the way these 40 years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord. Your garments did not wear out on you, nor did your foot swell these forty years. You should know in your heart that as a man chastens his son, so the Lord our God chastens you.
Ambition
Seven:ten aspires to be a people with such a dynamic spirit of worship and servanthood that we are a magnet for people needing help. We desire to be a community where insincere people tend to fall away and sincere people long to belong. And, most important, it is to be a community where people find Christ and grow to spiritual maturity.
This is the heart, or ambition behind the college ministry known as seven:ten. I am part of the ministry which is just a small piece to the puzzle of God's children. The message last night went well with some things I have been chewing on lately. Especially in regards to being a people of magnetism, or a person of magnetism. Let's revamp and evaluate the situation here.
I am a social butterfly or so I have been told by those who know me. I would just say I really value relationships and being in people's lives. Call it what you will but I have been know to travel in many circles sometimes all at once and other times one at a time. Usually the former rather then the later but that is just because my A.D.D. allows for some serious thinking and multitasking abilities. I strive to maintain these relationships and make them an opportunity to be a display case for the Lord in the good and the bad. I work in coffee shops, dance, go to school, and generally find other friends outside of this. Many of these so called friends are of the male gender. This is where the situation gets quite sticky.
Before I was a believer and even a couple years after being saved I had established an extreme attachment to guys. I was boy crazy growing up which is not always the case for the girl who also happens to be a tomboy. My cousin and I are only a week apart and so him and I grew up often as brother and sister. I spent all my free time at home and school hanging out with the boys. Growing up it was my only option as I had only male neighbors and so between Nintendo and playing Superman I quickly learned to enjoy their company. I would run and play, get quite dirty, wrestle, etc. When I was in Junior High it was even more interesting. I went to a couple very tiny Montessori schools - meaning that grade 6-8 had very few students. In fact, my 7th and 8 grade class had me and one other girl in the class to about 6 or 8 boys. What fun do you think we had? Oh, and I was always on the upper hand in this, being the girlier of the two and having a past hanging out with the guys.
High School came as a bit of a shock. I went to a private Christian High School and so my class now had about 90 students in it. This was the biggest class and school I had ever attended and so became extremely shy. Hmmmm.... I soon was befriended by a guy named Jesse and through him met a guy named Tres. Anyways I had found at least two guys to hang around safely and cling to so I felt OK again. I didn't hang out with people outside of school anymore but at school I still followed the guys. The more high school went the more I began to hit culture shock. I grew up always having crushes on guys but really seeing them more as my best friends. Now I was in a world where people were dating, kissing and telling, sleeping around and all kinds of other nonsense I didn't think of as reality. It sounds odd but even though I was not a believer I lived a very "sheltered" life as I always went to small private schools and grew up in a Catholic house. I had never imagined this was the reality of the situation and my world was sort of shattered. My pure, innocent bubble popped and the more I learned the more calloused I became to what I heard.
This all had a significant affect on my life and how I began to see relationships. I began to fear guys as I suddenly didn't know what to expect. My relationship was not close with my father or my grandfather, who I lived with, and though I still had my crushes I no longer knew how to respond. It was at that time nothing was able to shock me any longer no matter what someone did or said...my shock factor was gone and would probably never return. I began to back off from all guys and to change. Somehow my goody-goody rep would change with my evolving view of men.
By my Junior year I had managed to change my reputation and it soon became my safety net. I hid behind a bad reputation that had nothing to back it up except for my growing tough girl attitude. I did not feel protected and so began to try and protect myself in whatever manner possible. So now the things guys would say about me were completely wrong and negative, but I knew they wouldn't make fun of me, or try and take advantage of me. Basically they would leave me only with the exception of an occasional dirty or derogatory remark which I shrugged off with some smart alec reply.
This was also the point in life where guys begin to test the waters out and people actually begin dating. Not for me though. I always wanted to - believe you me - but God thankfully had other plans. At this point I probably would have gotten myself in quite a bit of trouble, as I knew if I did date I had a reputation to uphold. This is also the point I somehow became extremely picky about who I would like or date. I have never been an easy catch for any guy. I would literally stop liking a guy the second he liked me or as soon as I found something about him I disliked. This constant picky attitude kept me clear away from any relationship though there were almost a couple. Then there were the guys who I really liked enough to date but they of course did not like me back and so I began to understand rejection and hurt as well. I saw what it did and felt the sting of thinking someone liked you and finding out the terrible truth that we were "just friends".
Into college I took this, and rather then getting better, my hurt grew worse. I was even farther from my dad emotionally then before and now desperately seeking male companionship. I had become a believer during the summer between my Junior and Senior year of High School and being a new creation began to change. With that change came the outgoing, spunky, playful and bold girl I am today. This is great if it is all for the Lord, but when your sin gets mixed up in this there can be more problems. I began desperately seeking any attention and affection I could possible get from my growing number of guy friends.
And so, my college experience became a series of guy pals who I would spend as much time with as possible. Then, a had a rather negative experience at the church I became a believer at and decided to take my faith elsewhere. I would do this thing on my own even though I had no idea how to accomplish this. I was in the Word when I could be but didn't even begin to pretend I was looking for a church as I now had a bitter taste in my mouth from Christians. So instead I became friends with the people I worked with or should I say the guys I worked with. Not the best situation I could have put myself in. Especially when they were all of legal drinking age.
My experiences with guys were now bordering that sketchy area and wisdom and God's conscience told me I was being stupid, but I was so desperate for love I was willing to do anything. I spent many a late night out with Jimmy, and Mike and eventually Tyson. This is where I began to learn my alcohol limits and how to go well beyond since one beer would do it for me. Two and I was really bad. This soon became a pattern for me and a part of my life. This was also the time I moved in with two guys from my work. I soon found myself in the party life. I refused drugs, but rather enjoyed the late nights, the joy you find when you have drunk too much, and the lack of inhibitions it allows you. I would crash at Jimmy's house on the couch or just hang out at Tyson's apartment. Really I was alone with this guys far too much and at parties would stay close by their side. Silly, stupid girl. This is where I need to get on my knees before God and thank HIM every day for all his protection. I look back now and realize how many "close" calls I had and how I literally was able to escape that lifestyle with nothing more then a couple guys smacking me on the lips. (completely unwanted) But really, I had been under God's protection and so nothing happened even when I did want it to.
Then the Fall semester at Chandler-Gilbert rolled around. At this point I was Ms. "Party Girl" and was rather enjoying the popularity and fun it brought about. I had plans with the guys every night and was going to bars completely under age. I had pushed God as far back in my mind and ignored the voice so long it was now softer then a whisper. I was drinking and going to raves and had, for the first time in my life, smoked pot. God finally intervened and decided I had spent far too much time drinking my depression away and seeking love in all the wrong places. I ran into a guy in my class named Bryan. (Some of you will remember this story.) Bryan never had really spoken to me before other then the fact he had made a comment about me smoking at one time. Oh, well I thought, "Who is he, anyways?". Then, we were outside in the courtyard showing off our tattoos during a break. I had a Christian tattoo that someone asked me about. I told them I used to be into God and church but found out what being a Christian was and had had enough of it. That is where Bryan stepped in and after a brief conversation we realized we had met before at my old church. He told me one of the worst things about churches were the Christians in them and I agreed and then he invited me to the college group at the church I now attend. I had not a clue at that moment where my life would be now.
So Sunday rolls around and I figure my plans with the guys have fallen through so I must now find something to do. I remembered Bryan's invitation and had no desire to go to church. However, Bryan was a guy who seemed really nice, charming and good-looking so I decide to go. (No making fun of me for this, guys - I know you know who this is.) Anyways, to make a longer story a bit shorter, I will tell you I did not see Bryan that night, but ran into a girl and guy who had gone to high school with me. After much conversing and a couple days, I began to attend this church.
I began to seek out a renewed relationship with Christ and spent time getting involved again in the church. My boy friendships did not end here and I was still in the same habits. I clung to the male guys at the church, and would hang out with them. Often enough I was the only girl. I did not see the problem here, but it was pointed out to me by the wife of the student ministries pastor. I did not understand at first and felt confused. It was then I began to realized many of my problems but this took some time to grow through. I had a few guys trying to point me the right direction but I didn't always listen or understand. Really, I had a life of one habit and God was busy trying to conform my life as it was. I was simply confused.
Where am I now? I am far from this place, and have learned in best boy-girl relationships that there is almost always one who is interested in the other in a romantic way. This is great for the future, for sure, but for my past, I needed the space. Now, I have my guy friends, but they are pretty much acquaintances. No more best guy friends. (Unless I start dating one!) Now because of my past I am extremely careful with guys, as I have still managed to never date or be in a relationship with one. Not sure how that works out - but I am more then thankful that I really have been kept out of a deep, dark mess which would have some serious repercussions now.
I was sitting in seven:ten last night as Tyler spoke of magnetism and what we should look like to the world, how people should be drawn to us and love to be around us and how we should treat people in order to make the name of Christ known. To serve, to love, to speak, to act, to do everything for Him, by Him, and to display Him. This is where I am stuck in a tar pit. I now am extremely careful around guys especially unbelievers. I don't trust their intentions or motives and so this comes out in my attitude toward them.
I basically make a joke and love my often bratty attitude toward guys. I seem to have great snotty comebacks whenever they offer undesired affection or attention. I take it very much to the extreme as I feel like I am protecting myself. I don't desire to make guys like me. I actually really only want the guys I like to like me and the rest, I try and make it very obvious I am only interested in being friends. This goes for believers as well as unbelievers. If I think a guy is into me and I don't like him back, I usually begin by ignoring him. When this doesn't work, I don't let him do things for me, or ask his opinion or for help, or even allow his protection as that is something I give to someone. I am sure this seems very funny but I don't want to hurt them later and because I am a really outgoing and friendly person people, they often mistake it for something more. Sometimes there is something more but not as often as I am just comfortable and confident around the opposite sex.
Lynne and I were speaking about this a couple weeks ago. I know it is not godly when I treat someone rudely. I feel like I have an excuse, but I really just don't know how to respond. So when a guy is a scuzbucket, I am often rude and make it clear I want nothing to do with his company. When a guys asks me to go home with him, I about chew his head off and then don't ever try to allow him to talk to me again. Basically, I don't act very Christlike. Lynne was giving me some pointers on how to respond and telling me that there is no reason to act like a brat. I was really convicted by the message and what Lynne had said to me about how I am perceived. I just really need to act differently then I do as there is no excuse to act as such. Right now, this is what I am trying to work on and grow through.
How can I maintain and remain a display case for Christ in all situations? How can I be a light and a magnet and not be mean, angry, or rude when I want to? How can I just be who God wants me to be? I want to end this with two scripture verses:
I Peter 2:9-12
But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a People for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received. Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul. Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.
Dt. 8:1-5
Every commandment which I command you today you must be careful to observe, that you may live and multiply, and go in and possess the land of which the Lord swore to your fathers. And you shall remember that the Lord your God led you all the way these 40 years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord. Your garments did not wear out on you, nor did your foot swell these forty years. You should know in your heart that as a man chastens his son, so the Lord our God chastens you.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Am I ignitable?
“He makes his ministers a flame. Am I ignitable?” These words come from a quote from Jim Elliot’s diary found in Beyond the Gates of Splendor. The idea of being used by God, being a flame, I love that. It reminds me daily of what my passions are to be and so each night I read this before bed as it is taped on my ceiling. The funny part is that it is the only note card still taped as the rest have floated to the floor at one point or another and been tossed away. This one still resonates within me and reminds me of my longing to burn for the Lord and to be so bright and hot that the flame spreads and grows into something unstoppable by anything or anyone. Let’s set the world ablaze!
Sometimes I need that visual picture to remind me of what I live for. I don’t mean just weekly or monthly, but what do I live each and every moment of my life for? I guarantee you there are days I live much of it for myself and I hate this. It is so difficult to decide when to say yes and when to say no. That means to myself and to others as well. I often have the inabitlity to say no. I am one of those people who will run, run, run, run, until someone much wiser either tells me to go home and sleep or until I have hit the point of complete zombie. Not the funnest but definitely the funniest.
Yesterday, was one of these days. I spent so much time the last couple of days keeping busy that I seriously neglected sleep. I really only got a total of 10 to 12 hours between sleeping at night and my naps in three days. This was for good but I have noticed when it hits a point it can also be a bad thing. I begin to notice my deep need for some rest when a couple things begin to happen. I am very calm and quiet, I am extremely amused and focused on very common things (like yesterday staring a group of little bugs flying in front of my car window-Amy asked why I didn’t just hit them and then I realized I had been just staring at them and began to laugh hysterically), laughing hysterically longer then normal at even dumber things, and my favorite, trying to talk but being unable to connect what my brain is trying to say to what it actually says via my mouth. (I literally asked another Starbucks worker three times for Venti trashbags when each time I realized it and began again. It came out exactly the same and all I could do was laugh because I could not say what I was trying to. For non-Starbuckers Venti is the size of a cup we have and not a trashbag. The other employee asked me three times if I was drunk and I simple replied through spells of laughter I was just sleep deprived) As a matter of fact I had already hit this point very early in the day and so by the time I went to bed at about 10:30 PM I was about ten hours past that point.
What on earth could be more important to me then sleep? Everything! My schedule is extremely flexible almost too much so. I have basic times where I must be at certain places and I always am early or on time to those. As far as everything else, it is up in the air. Hannah and Amy tell me they have never seen anyone quite as easy going and flexible. What they may not understand is that I do it for what I love. My time is valuable and I fill it with my loves and passions. I love spending my time evangelizing and encouraging people whenever possible and much of my unscheduled times fall somewhere in between those two things. Time is extremely valuable especially when the topic is one of those two and this is what keeps me from some good eye shut.
I guess for me it all comes down to priorities. I am often so thankful that Lynne needs sleep because when someone tells me to I get some but if I hang out too much with people like me we just burn each other out. Lynne my not actually tell me to sleep but just because she needs sleep and I conclude about six of my evenings at their house it benefits me because rather then stay awake longer I must finally go home and crash. However, I will stay awake until the girls must sleep because I love them so dearly and value the moments we have. It’s not that I don’t see them often, in fact I see them all the time. The thing is God has shown me over and over again how precious these types of relationships are and since things won’t stay the same forever I like to make use of the time we have. We have so much fun and they are such amazing young ladies with such a heart and passion for the Lord. As I told them on Friday night, they are worth my loss of sleep for now is the time we have to play. Someday we may date, or move, or have work or school and we will not have the time we have not to spend together so we must play as much as we can now. Yes, and laugh until we cry. I love girls and know how extremely silly and foolish we must look to guys.
Really much it falls to my love of people and the value of relationships. People help grow and mold you as well as you having that role in their life. When people help me run, encourage me, have my heart or passions, run my speed and my direction, I want to be around them more and more. When there are people who need time put into them and their lives, then they have a need for someone as well and I have such a heart for them that I am willing to build and maintain realationships where this need exists. Besides what better way to share and live out your faith and love for Christ then in front of an unbeliever. Show them who is your King, your God, your EVERYTHING.
Another great use of my time that I should be sleeping is other people in need. I can’t help but help when someone needs it more then I think I need sleep. If there is an emergency, I am there. Emergency in this definition can mean anything from someone is in the actually emergency room to one of my friends is just in need of conversation or encouragement. I always answer my phone in the early, early morning hours for so often I have had a friend with some type of need. It could be a one of my girl, friends, who is sobbing because of a guy, or because her emotions, or because of her sin. It could be someone needing more then conversation and encouragement. Really, whatever it is I am there. Most often it is a friend who just needs time and someone to help them along and so often this is where I come in. God has blessed me with a love and passion to help people in these ways. So when I am about to nap and a friend needs to talk, I assess the situation and if it is followed by a need, I am there. If someone needs to be encouraged in there walk, awesome. If someone needs to be discipled, praise you Lord for giving me a schedule I can try and be there for them.
It is at times I realize this can all have a negative affect as well. If I hit a point where I am not spending time in the Word or with the Lord I must slow down or push things around. I realize so quickly when this hits and must deal with it immediatly. If I am so tired I can't spend time with Him and He gets neglected then I am spending too much time serving and not enough time at His feet. This is a never-ending battle. Besides if I am that tired (last night) I am neglecting to give Him my best in even service so theer really comes a point that rest is necessary. I don't want to waist the time or opportunities He has given me because I am too tired to function. I realize this most often in Caborca. I don't sleep much here in the states but play quit a bit. In Caborca I am often the first to get sleep and the first to get up realizing the urgency and the necessity of being functional. So this can be either a good or bad quality.
So what does any of this have to do with being a flame? That is me being a flame. I want so desperately to give up my wants and needs and selfish desires though I often fail miserably in order to show Christ to others. If that means I stay at Starbucks forever and have to get up at 3:30 in the morning to do it, then that is where God has me. He knows what His plans are for me and how I can best serve Him. Therefore I must make use of the time, place, and situations He puts me in daily knowing that there is a purpose to them. So even when I want or am praying for a change I must not waist anything that He gives me or spend anytime hoping and planning the “perfect” future I want. I must simply realize His perfection in placing me where He has me so I my depend on Him more and serve Him better. Perhaps my flame will be short-lived, or it may burn a very, very long time. Really, as long as it doesn’t dim to long or die out!
Sometimes I need that visual picture to remind me of what I live for. I don’t mean just weekly or monthly, but what do I live each and every moment of my life for? I guarantee you there are days I live much of it for myself and I hate this. It is so difficult to decide when to say yes and when to say no. That means to myself and to others as well. I often have the inabitlity to say no. I am one of those people who will run, run, run, run, until someone much wiser either tells me to go home and sleep or until I have hit the point of complete zombie. Not the funnest but definitely the funniest.
Yesterday, was one of these days. I spent so much time the last couple of days keeping busy that I seriously neglected sleep. I really only got a total of 10 to 12 hours between sleeping at night and my naps in three days. This was for good but I have noticed when it hits a point it can also be a bad thing. I begin to notice my deep need for some rest when a couple things begin to happen. I am very calm and quiet, I am extremely amused and focused on very common things (like yesterday staring a group of little bugs flying in front of my car window-Amy asked why I didn’t just hit them and then I realized I had been just staring at them and began to laugh hysterically), laughing hysterically longer then normal at even dumber things, and my favorite, trying to talk but being unable to connect what my brain is trying to say to what it actually says via my mouth. (I literally asked another Starbucks worker three times for Venti trashbags when each time I realized it and began again. It came out exactly the same and all I could do was laugh because I could not say what I was trying to. For non-Starbuckers Venti is the size of a cup we have and not a trashbag. The other employee asked me three times if I was drunk and I simple replied through spells of laughter I was just sleep deprived) As a matter of fact I had already hit this point very early in the day and so by the time I went to bed at about 10:30 PM I was about ten hours past that point.
What on earth could be more important to me then sleep? Everything! My schedule is extremely flexible almost too much so. I have basic times where I must be at certain places and I always am early or on time to those. As far as everything else, it is up in the air. Hannah and Amy tell me they have never seen anyone quite as easy going and flexible. What they may not understand is that I do it for what I love. My time is valuable and I fill it with my loves and passions. I love spending my time evangelizing and encouraging people whenever possible and much of my unscheduled times fall somewhere in between those two things. Time is extremely valuable especially when the topic is one of those two and this is what keeps me from some good eye shut.
I guess for me it all comes down to priorities. I am often so thankful that Lynne needs sleep because when someone tells me to I get some but if I hang out too much with people like me we just burn each other out. Lynne my not actually tell me to sleep but just because she needs sleep and I conclude about six of my evenings at their house it benefits me because rather then stay awake longer I must finally go home and crash. However, I will stay awake until the girls must sleep because I love them so dearly and value the moments we have. It’s not that I don’t see them often, in fact I see them all the time. The thing is God has shown me over and over again how precious these types of relationships are and since things won’t stay the same forever I like to make use of the time we have. We have so much fun and they are such amazing young ladies with such a heart and passion for the Lord. As I told them on Friday night, they are worth my loss of sleep for now is the time we have to play. Someday we may date, or move, or have work or school and we will not have the time we have not to spend together so we must play as much as we can now. Yes, and laugh until we cry. I love girls and know how extremely silly and foolish we must look to guys.
Really much it falls to my love of people and the value of relationships. People help grow and mold you as well as you having that role in their life. When people help me run, encourage me, have my heart or passions, run my speed and my direction, I want to be around them more and more. When there are people who need time put into them and their lives, then they have a need for someone as well and I have such a heart for them that I am willing to build and maintain realationships where this need exists. Besides what better way to share and live out your faith and love for Christ then in front of an unbeliever. Show them who is your King, your God, your EVERYTHING.
Another great use of my time that I should be sleeping is other people in need. I can’t help but help when someone needs it more then I think I need sleep. If there is an emergency, I am there. Emergency in this definition can mean anything from someone is in the actually emergency room to one of my friends is just in need of conversation or encouragement. I always answer my phone in the early, early morning hours for so often I have had a friend with some type of need. It could be a one of my girl, friends, who is sobbing because of a guy, or because her emotions, or because of her sin. It could be someone needing more then conversation and encouragement. Really, whatever it is I am there. Most often it is a friend who just needs time and someone to help them along and so often this is where I come in. God has blessed me with a love and passion to help people in these ways. So when I am about to nap and a friend needs to talk, I assess the situation and if it is followed by a need, I am there. If someone needs to be encouraged in there walk, awesome. If someone needs to be discipled, praise you Lord for giving me a schedule I can try and be there for them.
It is at times I realize this can all have a negative affect as well. If I hit a point where I am not spending time in the Word or with the Lord I must slow down or push things around. I realize so quickly when this hits and must deal with it immediatly. If I am so tired I can't spend time with Him and He gets neglected then I am spending too much time serving and not enough time at His feet. This is a never-ending battle. Besides if I am that tired (last night) I am neglecting to give Him my best in even service so theer really comes a point that rest is necessary. I don't want to waist the time or opportunities He has given me because I am too tired to function. I realize this most often in Caborca. I don't sleep much here in the states but play quit a bit. In Caborca I am often the first to get sleep and the first to get up realizing the urgency and the necessity of being functional. So this can be either a good or bad quality.
So what does any of this have to do with being a flame? That is me being a flame. I want so desperately to give up my wants and needs and selfish desires though I often fail miserably in order to show Christ to others. If that means I stay at Starbucks forever and have to get up at 3:30 in the morning to do it, then that is where God has me. He knows what His plans are for me and how I can best serve Him. Therefore I must make use of the time, place, and situations He puts me in daily knowing that there is a purpose to them. So even when I want or am praying for a change I must not waist anything that He gives me or spend anytime hoping and planning the “perfect” future I want. I must simply realize His perfection in placing me where He has me so I my depend on Him more and serve Him better. Perhaps my flame will be short-lived, or it may burn a very, very long time. Really, as long as it doesn’t dim to long or die out!
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