Beauty

This morning as the storms clouds blew swiftly by so did a smile upon my face. Arizonans...Beauty that takes my breath away. The rain began to pour down and I was reminded of our Creator. Who am I to complain? Who am I to think something He made is not a work of art? Yet still, I have my days and my moments. I am a fighter. I still have my weaknesses. Today, it is the weakness of awareness of my imperfection.

Strong I am in many ways and stubborn. A fighter comes out when I find something worth defending or something worth fighting for. Is it easy? Not always. Especially when I am fighting the majority. Personality is funny. Being a treasure in God's eyes and for His glory is exceedingly difficult at times. There is so much weakness there. Today's weaknesses lie in the outward as well as in control. It is so easy to loose control but difficult to give God control. Perhaps it is not control but self control. Being disciplined is a valuable trait and something worth the pursuit of. Sometimes I fail and I sin. This comes out in many ways and when it does I hate it. I hate the loss of control and the mistakes or sin. It is gross. Sin. And yet, obviously in those moments I love it more then I love You Father.

It is easy to fail. Especially when I rely on my strength. I am so weak. A weaker vessel not just by design but by my sex. Strength is attractive. Your strength Father. I am unsure if strength comes first without pain. Life is full of pain but through it comes change. I wish that I would rely completely on Your strength and not my own. It is weak. Strength in control. That is even more attractive. I think of men. They are more physically stronger by design. I like knowing they are stronger. I like even more when they maintain their strength gently. I do not like men who are fighters. I do like men who are protective. It is a fine line. There is something attractive about knowing a guy could overpower you, but knowing and trusting him not to. There is a lot of trust in relationships. Knowing he wants you, but refuses to loose control.

The world skews beauty. We buy into it. When I let my guard down I buy into it. Love. The world paints its version. Sex. The world paints it's picture. Beauty. The world defines it. Truth. The world kills it and makes it relative. God. The world ignores You. Worship. The world re-defines it and worships everyTHING. Money. The world lusts after it. This place changes how we feel and what we think about everything to the best of it's ability. Innocence is neither valued or attractive.

I let myself be bombarded by it all today. I fell into traps in my mind and in my heart. I am struggling to find the balance. Believers and unbelievers alike seek to be more worldly. We chase the same things, look the same way, trade one life after another for the truth. Today I fought so hard and did not win. I trusted myself. I found myself buying one lie after another but trying in my mind to fight them. I hate them. I hate when my mind buys the lies that conformity is necessary.

Romans 12:1-2

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

I am trying. I need to pursue more of this and believe it. I need it's truth and to pray through it. My body is a temple. But today, I found all it's faults. I thought about having to be "perfect." This new job situation will not help this at all as finding the balance between professional and beauty is difficult. It is such a painful struggle to have to deal with. I battle back and forth inwardly. Is my beauty really found in wearing make-up? The world seems to think so and tell me so. My boss mentions it, guys tend to give me more attention, girls tend to flatter me, and when I have it on I "know" I am beautiful. What about the figure? I see the flaws in my body. The many, many things I would change. They now offer all kinds of surgery for just about anything I don't like. I can change my eyes, my chest size, be skinner, tighter skin, remove flaws. I see where I need to tone, where I need to tan (everywhere since I have ivory skin...and in ivory skin the flaws are easier to notice). The hair. Should it always be in perfect place and straightened and perfected? The outfit. Should it be fashionable at all times?

Being a girl has it's moments but sometimes it is so difficult. Especially when the world defines beauty for us. It is really difficult to ever feel beautiful with all the standards it holds us to. I hated today for that reason. Knowing I can change it all but deep down I don't want to. I fight that all the time. I don't understand. I don't know what guys expect. Do they expect the barbie? The polished outside at all times? Makeup everyday, perfect hair, perfect outfit, perfect figure? I wish I did not feel like that was an image they expected. Sometimes I do. Why is it so "unattractive" to like to be makeup free? Or, let my hair be curly? Or why is it terrible to be a jeans and flip flops girl?

God's word does not tell me I have to be beautiful as the world defines it. The picture the bible holds of women is so different. God does not require it so why does it feel like men do? I hate that. I hate feeling like everyone is supposed to be a cookie cutter. I wish I never bought into the lie. Sometimes I do. I feel like that is what I have to do even though I dislike that the world uses those things to define beauty. It does. Maybe we all do. It hurts but I know I am capable of trying to keep up. I don't want to though so it becomes a struggle. I don't want to gain confidence from looking "perfect" all the time. I don't want to have to keep up with the standard. And...tonight I hate it because tonight I struggle with it and all the insecurities it brings.

May I tonight just believe Your truth. Tonight is very difficult and I am super struggling through that. May Your words ring true in my heart. May I remember what I do, I do for Your name and Your glory and not my own. May I not buy any lies. Forgive me for when I do. When I let them run rampant and chase them. When I trade them for You. May I not loose sight of the cross for anything or anyone or any desire...

The Outsiders
by Needtobreathe

Shortfalls of little sins
Close calls and no one wins
Stand tall but running thin
I’m wearing thin

Oh, why are we keeping score?
Cause if you’re not laughing,
Who is laughing now?
I’ve been wondering
If we stop sinking
Could we stand our ground?
And through everything we’ve learned
We’ve finally come to terms,
We are the outsiders.
Oh, we are the outsiders, oh

I’m not leaving without a fight.
I got my holster around my side.
Just ‘cause I’m wrong it don’t make you right.
No you ain’t right.

Oh, why are we keeping score?
Cause if you’re not laughing,
Who is laughing now?
I’ve been wondering if we stop sinking,
Would we stand our ground?
And through everything we’ve learned,
We’ve finally come to terms.
We are the outsiders,
Oh we are the outsiders, x7

(On the outside,
You’re free to roam
On the outside
We found it home
On the outside
There’s more to see
On the outside
We choose to be)x2

Clean it up.

Dinner tonight at Pita Jungle. I am now sitting on the floor having a very difficult time seeing. Strange as it is my eyeballs have decided the last 4 months to have issues and it seems to be getting worse. They are getting extremely sensitive to light and are often blurry. I could chose to be angry and feel limited. I could get upset with God...I choose rather to thank You Father for the blessing of having perfect eyesight thus far. Thank You for allowing me to see the beauty and the world for what it is. You have the ability to take and I give and You give so much. However, tonight is not about eyesight. That is simply the distraction. Tonight is about purity.

I am so frustrated and so upset with a friend. I love him dearly as a brother but cannot tell you how frustrating guys can be. Especially, when they don't protect my sisters. I can't be his holy spirit. I can only love him and try and protect her and point them both to Christ. It is so difficult when I want to say so much out of anger. I am so upset that he did not protect her but tried to take what was not his to take. I hate that.

I was thinking about men. Real men. Men who love God. Who love us first. I remember a scene from a movie called "A Walk to Remember," where Landon, the main character and his new girlfriend are sitting on a bench. (at least I think it is a bench for that is not the part I focused on) The shoulder on her dress slides down off her shoulder and you see the way he protects her immediately by covering her back up with her sweater. Protective. Something about that kind of love captures my heart. I can't help but love that feeling. If a guy cannot see you as a sister first how will he ever love you? If you cannot protect each other and don't treat them as you would really treat a brother or sister then how can it ever be love. You then have lust. Why is there so much a hurried attitude of loosing one's innocence, of giving it away?

I can't stand most men. I don't trust them and as far as I am concerned they are not allowed near me or my precious sisters. A guy I trusted with her has proven himself to be untrustworthy. If a guy cannot be in control of himself then he does not love you first. He in that moment is more concerned with filling his own need and desire and is not thinking about you. In that moment there is no way he sees you as a treasure. If he cannot wait for you and protect you from himself how will you ever be able to trust him. You should be able to respect and trust a guy...it is then you are willing to give him your heart.

I don't understand the lack of brokenness over sexual sin. God tells us even thinking about someone in that way is a sin. We should be radical about it. Not even a hint...not letting it linger and fill our minds or linger too long on something visual. Don't do anything with someone you would not do in public. Keep it clean. Keep it pure. Keep it love. I understand there are struggles and mistakes. Those are slip ups and forgivable. There is a difference. There is forgiveness there...there is learning to be said for both parties. It breaks my heart when guys just take especially when the take so flippantly.

I guess I still have so much to learn about men. It is entirely my job to help protect my brothers and I learn continually how I can do my part in trying to maintain the innocence in the relationship. It is my job to do my best to protect them. That has been a difficult road for me and one I don't always understand. I am not always aware of what I am doing or what I have done that has caused someone else to go down that road. I am starting to get it...maybe a little more then before. I try so hard to be so careful. I do not want to be intentionally responsible for a brothers struggle.

I have always seen innocence differently. Sometimes I don't understand that the words I say, the things I do, the ways I act, the ways I flirt can potentially cause someone to struggle. I am learning. There is such a difference in how guys and girls view and feel and think about sex. I have to see them as brothers and will only respect the ones who can treat me as a sister. Keep it clean and be radical. Protect your ears, your eyes, your touch. Yes, I long for it but differently. Touch for girls is a connection. It means something so much more different. It is difficult to understand. If it is right, if it is love, the guy will have a connection too. And...more then anything he wants he will find the strength to do his best to protect her too. Will they stumble...it is possible. Is there forgiveness? Of course. Does he have to be perfect...of course not but it is in the moments of struggle you will see his heart and where his intention really is. Does he care for you or does he just want to take from you?

I now think I need to be even pickier then before. I need to be even more careful. I do show my love and affection with touch but do not necessarily mean it with any regards to sex. As a girl I talk about aching for touch but it is different...so very different. I can ache for the heat and the presence and touch of being close to a guy. It is not the ache necessarily for sex, but to feel protected to feel in general. It is different for us all. It is a head and heart thing which is where it starts and the more a guy is in my heart and head especially as a brother the more physically comfortable I am. And yes, we long for it...so differently. Sex may not even cross my mind in any of those instances because I do tend to think innocently. Am I perfect in that...? No, I am single and 28...and human... I tend to think purity is worth being radical for.

There are changes I see that I need to make. I am careful but am learning ways I have to be even more so. I want that. I want to be with someone who respects that. Of course I want to be with someone I want but if it can't be kept clean and innocent it will never really honor God or be for His glory...it will be for selfish reasons. And...I am unwilling to give that easily. I hate that. Hate how easily people take with little regards to how big purity is. It is worth all the wait, all the difficulty and the lack of being able to loose control. It is a great test. It is part of honoring God and keeping Your relationship pure and undefiled before Him. It is never loosing that innocence even when it is not cool. Be refined by God and not the world.

Exhausted

Ready for sleep. Now, would be fantastic moment for that. Is thinking about what I want. Thinking about taking risks and chances. That is life. You carefully calculate or jump in. Either way there is a risk. Some risks are worth it. Some hurt. They are still worth it...I think.

Today God continued to teach me something very valuable. I watched as two very dear friends began to fall in love. This has been about a month in the picture. It was so beautiful and fun. I guess love always is. So, what happens when it does not work? I am so tired and exausted and feel for both of them. I love them both dearly and pray for God's healing and encouragement. I also pray for their hearts and their learning.

I guess I learned something from it as well. Sometimes the things that seem too perfect and go so fast and easy are not. They can end just as easily. Maybe that is just another reason to take things slower. I don't know. Others it works out just that fast. There is no telling and no matter how much careful planning you do the outcome is still in God's timing and plan. I guess I needed to see that. I was in no way jelouse of them but wishing in some way I had something that easy. I guess it was not easy. I guess it works different for everyone.

Is it worth the risks and the hurt? Yes. Love always is. I hate the hurt part. It will always exist. But how great is it when you find someone to work it out with. Love is a blessing. It will be difficult sometimes as well. Purity is difficult. Being radical about Gods standard is the necessary. Guys see the situation sometimes so differently. It is nice to be protected. Especially when you can trust a guy. A guy you can be alone with. One who is radically about protecting your purity and his own.

I cannot believe how differently guys and girls approach purity and sex. We think so different. I cannot believe how much I have learned and how little I realize things sometimes. Being naive has it's benefits. I also have to learn to protect guys. I encourage other girls to protect guys. It is not easy. It is worth it. Are we perfect? Not so much. Thankfully God has protected me from pretty much all of that even when I did not want to protect myself. I have never felt safer then with a guy I can trust to put my purity above what he wants. They are few and far between but talk about something that wins my heart.

The confusion in the situations is sad to me. They have little history together to use to hold it together now. I pray for a peace for the two of them. Different pages entirely that seemed right for a month. Different views. Different issues. I guess no matter how perfect things seem or start off ultimatly we do not know the plans. I am very protective of her. I am very radical about pursuing purity and love that I get to be an example and speak into her life. God has used my life...even when I would not have done so myself. I am very protective of the ones I love and I love them both. They both have much to learn as do I.

Enough of the rattlings. My heart is full and I am growing through this with them. Praying deeply for them. Glad I have not had to experience something so "perfect" and so short lived. Glad for Your plan Father even though sometimes waiting can feel painful. I know it is worth it in the end. Your time. Pursuing You first...in everthing.

"In love with love."

Today I considered taking this blog off entirely and making it private. Not that I worry about it being widely read by any means however it seems to have more of a mixture of both what I think and what I feel. I wondered at how smart that would be. I though about many times in my life when I wish I had not said certain things...some of them throwing me into a panic mode. I wondered about all the stories I tell and all the ways I say things very straightforward and with a bluntness at times. I am learning I don't usually filter. Probably because I don't really care. Sometimes I care but only when I suddenly think that something I have said has the control to change my reality. I guess potentially it could. Potentially my mouth weather stated, thought or written can change everything. This is only true if it is part of God's plan.

There is something nice about resting in that. Does it make me bolder? Yes. Do I have to apologize more? Sometimes. I often wonder why it is so easy to say what I think. Sometimes I change what I think. Often I can tell you both sides of an argument in my head and be totally convinced of whatever the last words from my mouth were. I tend to give a lot of grace because I try so desperately to see things from another persons perspective. At many points in my life this becomes very interesting. In any given relationship I have spent long hours thinking about others perspectives. My analytic nature usually only comes up in this instance when there is a decision to be made or when there is a lack of harmony. I hate that. I hate dissension.

It is moments like these that scenarios run through my head moment by moment. I try to understand. Sometimes my mouth will speak. I will say things I don't mean because I am a verbal thinker. I have to work things out verbally out all times. Sometimes I can kill some of this by doing it on paper. I have at times to do anything to get it out of my mind.

I have been thinking that maybe some of the things I think I dislike about others are true about myself. I recently told my lifegroup leader that I did not want to date one of the two guys who asked me out based on the fact that they were "too into love, or in love with love." It is funny though because I can easily fall in love. Maybe I am in love with love...I remember reading something about the 7 with the 6 wing that stated "are always in a relationship or always looking for one." I have been lately looking up some of the Myers-Briggs stuff. Some of it rings very , very true. I am not sure I like that about myself...but it is true. There have been few moments in life there is not some guy on my mind. If not I can easily find one.

I think that is what makes right now so difficult. I rebound from one guy to the other leaving little behind me. It makes is so easy. It makes it so I don't have to commit to someone ever. At the same time I am the most attracted to the guys who seem very committed. Tell me how that works. Also, I don't know a time there has not been a "guy situation" in my life. Sometimes it has been all me. Sometimes it is them. I don't know. I know other things about my character that make me wonder about what I would even look like in a relationship. I am very afraid of being trapped and dealing with pain. Or at least that is the summary of the 7s greatest fear which is also very true. That is why I have spent the last 14 years rebounding as much as possible.

Rebounding has not put me any closer to the right answer or even the right person...I don't think. It is a really bad habit. Goes right along with me started 10 thousand things all at once and being able to change my mind a lot. I can make up my my in ten seconds but always keep my options open in case a better one comes along. That makes my day to day life extremely complicated as well. It is very difficult for me to RSVP to almost anything. I am always worried something better that I want to do more will come up. I don't like having to tie anything down and I value Independence. As much as I value doing my own thing...I also want someone who is willing to do it with me. This is just confusing. I don't want to do life alone but I am picky about it.

The most difficult part right now is just continually trying to fill that part of hurt with Christ. I know I can fill it with someone else again. What will that accomplish? I will have just shoved something else in that does not fit. My heart will get hurt and I will have never had to work through making Christ the answer. How healthy will it ever be if every time I get hurt I run to another guy? Not healthy for a long term relationship. I am so good at only liking one guy at a time but when they end it I run directly to another. Not a good situation. It heals the hurt for sure. But...one of the ways for me to grow is to have to deal with the hurt and face it because that is the thing I never do.

It hurts longer and hurts deeper. However, now is when I might actually learn something. I don't let many things hurt me but somehow my heart is very, very fragile and it breaks easily. I have yet to understand it. In so many ways I wonder if that is exactly why God has kept me out of relationships knowing He promises not to give me more then I can bear. On the love end I can bear very little. That is why I am so choosy with love. I size up every guy first and if they make it through that initial phase then I spend a lot of time trying to figure out the details of them. There have been only a handful of guys I have really truly trusted and only a couple I still do.

So, now I sit just daily having to try and pursue Christ. Everyone tells you when it is right you will know. I wonder how many of us have been wrong. I wonder if is more the feeling of love I have been in love with thus far. Real love is different. It is built of more. Real love is putting the other first. It is giving it to God with an open hand. Being a servant. Humble. Gentle. It is so many things. It is not just the romanticized version of what I so often feel it. It is feelings to though. I wish I could control those. No matter what my head says my heart leads it. When I make rules that is my head talking but my heart wins and breaks them every time. I feel like the heart is stupid and risky and forgiving. The head is stubborn and blunt and frustrated. There is a constant war between the two...my heart always wins. My heart also always hurts.

The walls go up. I cease to trust. I cease to trust love. I see what love can do and I feel the physical pain of it. I cannot dismiss it or the desire for it. There are actual effects on the heart that I cannot explain. Moments I feel. I don't get it. I know everything has a good and bad to it. I just wish it was always clear. The head wishes for the heart that it was always clear because my head would like to protect my heart. It looses.

No matter how injured I am I wish the heart would truly give up. It does not. It waits. I put up an outward coldness sometimes a harshness to try and protect it. I run sometimes fast and hard. Sometimes I run forever with no return. Other things I feel stupid for holding onto. I don't know why the thing wont let go. I can't let everything go I guess so rather I trust the outcome and hand them over to the One who is in control. He has a purpose. He has a use for me. He knows. He knows His timing and His plan.

It is things like these I sometimes wish I did not say or post. Sometimes I feel very safe here because I am being vulnerable to no one. When you find that person you can be totally you with. The person who sees your good and your bad and still wants you. The person who is your best friend. That, whatever that looks like is worth waiting on. In fact if friendship pairs with love it becomes priceless but only if paired with love and desire on both sides. So, when I type words on a page I can say what I want. There is no judgement from the paper. It will not talk back. It will not use my weakness against me. It will not love me either. It is not real. It will not become a best friend.

I guess I know deep down guys a best friends is never safe. I know I have my best guy friends and maybe one day one of them will end up as my best friend. I have yet to discover how you get around the feelings that get tied up in that. It makes me very cautious. I can't open up too much or a guy may fall in love with me. Sometimes I fall in love with him. I guess it will be right when God makes it clear on both sides. I guess that is not what everyone wants but above and beyond all the crazy lists I make I think that is what I have always wanted. I have always said that is what I wanted but have yet to find a safe way of keeping close guy friends. I have many, many acquaintances but few I would truly call my friends. I guess that is my way of protecting myself or at least trying to.

When it is right it will work. No matter what I do or say that is right. No matter all the things I will do and say that are totally and completely wrong. I am still working through it all. Being perceptive of relationships around me. Being extraordinarily careful with those in my life. Wanting more then anything to know a guy who will protect me even if that means from himself. I don't know what that looks like. I don't get to try and figure it out. I do however get to try and figure out God. Every day I have to work at that relationship. Everyday God will continue to teach and grow me though it is a slow and lifelong process. I will make tons of mistakes along the way. Each one shall leave its mark and in each one I will be tested.

Is it safe to blog whats on my mind? I guess that does not really matter. I am not going to loose friends over it. I could worry that I would loose a relationship if a guy ever saw. However, I disagree because if I am not me in front of him then he will not fall in love with me but the version of me I am trying to show him. I don't tend to live a very "safe" or careful life anyways. I tend to like taking chances. Besides, one of my favorite things is talking and of course finding someone who likes to talk and laugh with. I do it quit a bit and so these thought are not different then the ones I would speak. So, all in all I am just going to continue to try. I will try and be who God would want me to be. Somehow this crazy girl is exactly how I am supposed to be, exactly where I am supposed to be and completely wrapped up in His plans. That to me is entirely excited and makes life much more peaceful to experience. May I continue to trust what I don't see and what I do not understand. May my head knowlege help guide my heart. : )

Answered Prayers?

So, interesting evening. Flexible. I can do that. Well, most of the time anyway. Tonights big plans: running the hills and a long movie. Tonights actual events: spent only a few minutes running and the rest of the time looking for keys. Gods plan...still perfect.

What started off as a nice night for training became slightly more complicated. I am wondering at this point exactly what God's plan is but enjoying the humor in it slightly. Today, I was sitting at Liberty and reading through a list that is supposed to help me with my support letters for a mission trip this summer. I sat there at the table and realized that I have fallen so short in my own country. I used to be so much more zelouse in finding ways to share the gospel but as I sat there trying to think of names to send the letters to I was convicted.

I prayed for God to allow more unbelievers in my life. When I was trying to prepare a draft for the type of letter God would have me send and was struck that I would not have unbelievers to share it with. I have my team at work. Outside of that who am I pursuing that is not a believer? When did my life become so void and filled with only friends from various churches? Who am I going to bring light and life to if everyone I spend my time with already knows God? I have lost my time with the non church crowd and that is not OK. So, I prayed this afternoon that besides family who may not believe that God would allow me some activities where I get to be involved with people who do no yet know Him. I specifically prayed about running or dancing just because those are things I love to do anyway and would like to share my passion along with my minstry as the two should have no distinction.

With the afternoon complete I waited for night to fall because that is my favorite time to run. I have some serious work to do before my next marathon included some interval training and I have a favorite place to run hills at. I slipped my car key off the ring and put it in my iPod carrier. I placed my jacket over my purse and always run with my cellphone but this evening decided I was close enough to the car that I would not need to do so. I jumped out of the car and made sure all the new running gadgets were properly attatched and off I went. Next up...the hills. I ran up and down from one side to the other and was just getting a pattern down when for some strange reason it suddenly dawned on me: if my iPod was bouncing up and down on my arm as I ran I wonder what my key was doing. At that moment I knew I had a problem on my hands.

I am not great a beig very perceptive of my surroundings and knew this was going to be a problem. I am very internally focused and so at this point knew generalized areas I had been running across but it was very dark out. I approached a man who appeared to be grilling dinner for his wife and children. I was searching for a flashlight and no luck. However, the guy was nice enough to lend me his cellphone which had a very bright light on it. I combed the areas I thought I had run and found nothing but some candy wrappers, cans, and glass. Next step: call one of the four numbers I have memorized since cellphone is locked in car instead of attached to my hip (I am supprised I did not suffer from an anxiety attack from the sepparation :) I called my Father...that did not go so well. Next number was home and my grandfather came out to get me...more or less.

Upon arrival they passed me at the light and so I had to chase the car. The nice lady whose husbands phone I had borrowed called them to let them know I was running after the car because they were going much faster then I can run. They stopped and me and my grandfather combed most of the area in search of the missing key. No luck. He then tried to bribe God which I told Him was not how God worked. We had many brief conversations about this. At that moment I was glad we did not find the key because I did not want Him to think God was bribable. Then, they asked me what to do and I said just take me home while I think.

On the way home my grandmother recieved a text on her phone. While waiting and chatting with the nice couple I had met I had explained the situation. Especially because the guy was trusting me to go roam the part with a very expensive looking cellphone. I told the couple I was out running hills to try and prepare for a marathon and I had lost my key. They asked me about a very specific race. I had never tried it or heard of said race before but was glad to chat with them either way. Then, apparently when my grandparents were searching for me they had called the cellphone back. The couple now has three of my phone numbers. The text I recieved was an invite to run with their stepfathers team in a very specific event. I gave the couple my email address and already have something from them in my inbox.

I am excited at the possibility of this situation and know God has many purposes in what He does. I am uncertain but will believe this may be part of the plan. How fast does God answer prayers and in what ways? I am very excited to be a part of what God does and hopes this becomes an opportunity for me to share. I met a very nice couple and now am getting plugged it. So, each second of this day somehow is perfectly fitting to what God wants it to be. Do I understand it all...not so much but I trust it.

And about that key? I wonder what God Your doing with that. Am I supposed to learn something? Not supposed to run there? I did not find the key and Aaron came by and helped me search the grass. My dad showed up as well and with three of us still no luck. However, God has intricate details to each and every part of what He does so OK. Now, early in the morning I am to get up and get another copy made because thankfully He provided. Somehow in the midst of searching with numerous flashlights my grandfather showed up with a spare he found hidden in the house. I am more then ever grateful for this because I had some very valuable stuff locked in the car. I will not complain about the bill because it could have been quit a bit more plus I have to remember it is all God's money and posessions anyways...who can argue what He chooses to do with it? Now, if I could just make my family be nicer...and not a stress case for me. That, is a whole other issue and both just need prayer and thankfulness. Besides...they totally helped me out tonight I just...don't like conflict even though I will deal with it. Father...may my life bring You glory. I know You had tonight planned out and may I rest assured in that. I love You.

Now, I have something very specific to pray about!

Take Captive

Meeting for Spain, 8 a.m. Finished step one of the day with much time left. I am in front of this shiny computer screen once again. Today's meeting was most interesting to me because there was a large section of it based on personality tests. I love this stuff. I am continually fascinated by people and their personalities. I like to figure them out or continually try. I like to know how they work with my personality, good combinations, potential hardships, I can't help but be in love with personalities. So, needless to say today was great.

I have to be careful how much I put into personality tests for sure. I like to see combinations and how they work together. That led me down a road of curiousity as to what personality matched relationally well with mine. See where this is going yet? I researched that topic and arrived at theories on "perfect" pairings for my own personality. I am an ESFP. I had to take multiple tests in order to figure this situation out. In order for me to understand how I react and respond with others I have to be able to figure out what I am first. Step one cleared.

Next of course my mind out of curiosity was lead down a direction to see about dating possibilities. I am so picky with guys. I give few the time of day. I don't mind. It is almost impossible to get my attention when you want it but somehow every now and again something will and once it is there it is pretty much locked on. I also am aware of those people who have gained my interest and am usually amazing at rebounding when I have to. However, I still maintain my distance and am careful beyond measure. Though I like the idea of love I only really want one guy in my life. I have yet to have a boyfriend, though I have had many, many guy friends. You can see that God has had a hand in this situation, plus I am extremely careful with my attention and affection...a combination of the two has allowed me to be where I am at 28 years old.

Now, that does not mean I am not interested in finding the right guy by any means. So, of course I take into account what I have like about guys and what I have not. Some of it is clear and some of it is not. Either way, this lead me researching what a possibly match is for my type. One theory is the INTJ or INFJ.

http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFP_rel.html

So, of course I begin researching these types. I then take a quiz on a facebook site. The first one I answered sounded very incorrect. I retook it. The second one would pair me with an INFJ. Funny because I was going to try and prove it wrong. It may be wrong I just think it is funny because somehow it says that is the two types I am most attracted to and in a strange way it might be correct. I was thinking through the types and learning about all the people in the group today. I guess in some way even though right now I refuse to go down any road in my mind with any guy I still mentally begin searching and scanning. I am having to fight that continually because I don't want to jump from one guy to the next. So, now I have to take my thoughts captive and focus on something else.

I am glad I cannot remember what any of the guys in the group are...and thankfully there is only one who is single. That is something I have had to struggle and fight with a ton in the last few months. It is so easy to go down roads in your head. It can be good thoughts, anger, pain, planning, it can be excitement. Either way for a thinker the best thing I can to right now is try and control my thinking...and that can be very difficult at times.

II Cor 10:5
We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,

Impossible, not a chance. Right now I am trying to replace the things I should not be thinking about with prayer. Prayer for friends, life, the person I am thinking about, the thought I just had and asking forgiveness for it and the list goes on. Your mind is a powerful thing especially connected to a heart. There is something to be said for mental stimulation and the controlling of what goes on up there. For me that had to be the beginning of where I am at with Christ. It starts with thinking but has to be moved forward with actions. I cannot deny I think through so many plans and possibilities and almost can always shift or have thought of something far in advance. There are things I feel stupid for thinking too far ahead in and then when it doesn't go my way I am sad. I can get very excited and wrapped up in my head when I think I know what God is doing. Sometimes there is great disappointment in that. There are things right now that pop in my head trying to convince me of something that is not a fact. I have to fight it. I have to fight what I do not know.

Focus. Focus on what I know. Don't let my mind wander into areas it should not, areas that will hurt me, areas that do not glorify God. I cannot let a distraction take control. We allow things to distract our minds. It is a lack of control. I am fending off every distraction that is possible for now. It has to be so delighting for Satan to know with thinkers all we have to do is lack spiritual control in our mind. I can go down a thousand roads I should not. I can also just keep thinking about everything but You. Sometimes all I have to do is keep my mind so busy I don't really spend time with You or in Your Word. I will not underestimate Father that You tell me to put on my armor every day. Father, help me to not excuse sin. Especially in the mind where anything can be an idol, a desire, a thought, a distraction. May I be completely and fully consumed by You.

Never leave Your hands

Beautiful Father. Precious day. I don't know what You have in store but I do know You fill life with so much. Tonights mood is just lovely. Girl movie finished...Twilight.... Tomorrow is a mission meeting. Sometimes I wonder who or why I am talking. Sometimes I am not. So many things running through my mind. I am sitting on the carpet listening to JJ Heller. Beautiful song.

Your Hands
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

What a great reminder Father. Today was very calm. I have made it with ease through the application and phone interview. Spoken with the boss...and next week meeting with his boss. It is funny how easily I trust You. Wish I trusted You with my heart...to make it this calm, this easy. The outcome doesn't matter because You will do what glorifies You most. I hope I honor You in it. May I not ever forget You in every moment of life. The beautiful things may I see and hold fast to. May I trust You this easily with every detail. Not one ounce of stress but a growing excitement.

Thank You for everything. Forgive me for the sinful selfish flesh that resides in my heart. Continue to change me. May I be controlled in mind. Today I cannot believe how many selfish or judgemental thoughts came in. Ungly...We are so quick. I want to be quick to move to You. I know without You life would be so empty. I don't know what Your doing but I think I like it.

Tomorrow is meeting one for Spain and there is much for me to do yet. I don't actually have to be there until 8. I am weary and tired now because I am about to take a really big step. If it all works out I will be stepping into another commitment. How afraid of commitment I am. I wonder how many times I run from something before I trust it. Thank You for gently pushing me forward to it. If I don't get it I am not worried. You have already proven and already provided. I lost sleep over it thinking about what I was about to do. I can jump. When I have decided I jump very fast. Sometimes I jump out fast. I think I am ready for this not but it is entirely up to You.

I am so tired Lord but yet joyful. I know You ask of me my life and I am trying to give it to You. Thank You for the next couple days. Time for You. Movies. Yes, I still have stuff to clean I never got around to. Running. Somehow I have to get a schedule down and I am getting lazy but its time to plan it out tomorrow. The job stuff will happen on it's own. Father, may I get some quiet rest tonight. There is much to do in the morning and I want to be awake. Thank You so much, more then I am, more then I know.

Plans

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

This is one of the few verses I still have memorized from my years attending Valley Christian. I think about plans and am constantly making plans all the time. I remember last year telling Zack's mom very clearly days before the San Francisco trip that I was not really a plan maker. I was misinformed and had a very unclear picture of myself. I can't tell you how many plans I make, how many I see to the end and how many I change completely.

Today I was testing something out to see how much time had an effect on me. It all began at work yesterday when I was discussing my watch. I have worn the same green watch which at one time was more of a bright green but is now looking a bit darker in color for approximately 14 months. This is not just your ordinary watch however, for this watch is a heart rate monitor, keeps track of calories, has an alarm (when I can remember how to set it), Lights up at the touch of a button giving a soft blue glow, and just happens to be in one of my favorite colors to wear. Oh, and did I mention the small floral design embedded in the plastic near the digital face. Oh, how I love that watch and I wear it face to the inside of my wrist on my left had so at any moment in time I can flip my hand face up and I know where I am at in the day. Yes, to this watch I am slightly attached though still very thankful it has not left a tan line on the nearly ivory tone in my skin.

Well, this watch was brought up in conversation just yesterday amidst my co-workers at the bank. The people I work with already get great enjoyment from the amount of planning my head does while on autopilot so this little watch which adds greatly to my moment by moment planning became the conversation piece. They can't fathom how I can think and give each and every day mental thought from the moment I wake until I have finally given up and completely run out of time. In fact, just to humor themselves, they will ask very random questions just to see if I have thought about that detail yet of the day. Here is how a typical morning goes for me.

Wake up. Push glow button on my watch (unless of course I have been awakened by the alarm of my phone). OK, so wake up on my own and push magic button to check the time. If it is between midnight and 3 I usually do not budge. Oh, and this does not happen often. If I am awake at that point I try to quickly decipher why I am awake or what it is that has woken me out of my sleep. Yes....sometimes it is my bladder calling (just the nature of being well hydrated, cleaning out toxins, and having a small bladder). If it is the bladder then between those hours and up until 3:45 a.m. I will crawl out from under the blanket and down the stairs. If it is anytime after that I will lay there knowing with little movement I can most certainly hold it. Oh, and any moment will get my brain thinking which is the reason I will just lay in bed if the time allows until morning. The less bodily movement the better the chance I will lay back down and go to sleep until the alarm with nothing to trigger my brain.

If it is thinking that woke me then blast that and I will probably be awake for awhile because my brain refuses to take a night off. Now, lets pretend in this situation I was awakened by the alarm. (Though, other such wakups are caused by a text message, a phone call, sometimes I just jump out of bed ready for life...or sometimes I forgot to do something) But, lets pretend it is your typical wake up to the alarm morning just for the sake of discussion. So, the alarm begins to sing and I grab for sounding object which sits on the chest next to my bed. This song is a very well planned out song. I don't like rough wake ups and so any song that wakes me in the morning must be a gentle one. Also, it cannot be a sound unless a very soft chime or maybe something like a glitter sound or it will startle me awake, my heart will begin racing, I will get a headache, and I Will feel sick to my stomach. So, back to the ringing. If I am too tired I know at the second that alarm begins at what time I set it for the previous evening. The time I set it is always different. Once the sounds starts my head immediately begins the morning debate.

Get up now or hit snooze? What do I have to accomplish today? What do I have to accomplish this morning? Do I want breakfast or just coffee? Where do I want coffee from? What type of food do I want? When did I shower? How is my hair? What time do I have to be to work? Do I want to listen to music and get on the computer or sleep 20 more minutes? What is my night like and will I go to the gym? If I go do I know what I will wear to the gym? Do I know what I want to wear to work? Do I have food made for lunch? The list begins and this is all in the first set of sounds from the alarm which I happen to know sings the my favorite part of the song "Down" by Jay Sean three times before it auto snoozes for 10 minutes. Sometimes I snooze it on my own but only if I feel like moving. I know if I move I have to punch the password into my phone and then hit snooze or I can just think and wait out the 3 chorus repeats.

OK. In some period of time I make it out of bed. I usually make a few minutes on the computer so I can begin the wake up process, see what has happened while I was sleeping and do a very brief email check. Facebook stays up while I blast some happy morning songs and eventually make it to either the shower or the kitchen. Then a quick status update, a little dance and jump into the clothes, strategic pinning of the curly, messy mane, deodorant, and out the door running with keys, at least 3 water bottles, gym clothes?, jeans if I am going out after and flip flops, and I am on the way.

Next coffee and then to work. I get nervous as I hit up my favorite Starbucks and I see the line. The line is longer then I would like it to be and now with only 25 minutes to get to work do I run inside or temp fate in the drive thru. Now, be good and get hot soy latte, or should I get and iced regular latte, or my favorite a chai, or maybe a mocha? Do I want coffee that is decaf or a chai with a little caffeine? Do I really want sugar this early? Do I want it iced or hot? I am trying to be good and still need to loose about 6 pounds I have gained since December along with another 25 pounds or so, so this will have some effect on my drink decision. Oh, and what am I eating the rest of the day and where am I going? Do I want sugar later instead? Do I have too many calories already planned into my day? How tired am I? And...the most often used factor in this decision is what time do I think I will go to lunch because that will effect how many calories I want to ingest before then. 11 a.m, 12, or 1, or maybe later....big gap in time causes me to order something and quickly because I am aware time is slipping away quickly.

OK good now we are thru the coffee of choice and the line and headed to work. I have had minor panic moments of getting trapped in the drive through and not making it to work but today went pretty smooth. So, off I go. I check the clock become a little nervous about the time. I began to cruise smoothly to work hoping to make it there with enough time to read through my audit questions. If the audit team is there however I will not have enough time to study and I hope I know the questions well enough. Now, I circle the bank with just enough time as my anxiety begins to build. I like to be early for work and the two lights and school zones I drove through were especially slow this morning. I zip into a spot and jump out ready to begin my day. I walk in and find my work station which depends on what side of the bank they need me at. As I head toward the vault I am wondering if my boss will be in a pleasant mood or an ugly one. Wonder if we will be busy?

Now, we are ready to begin the day. The drawer is set up and I am logged on. I have checked my bank accounts, my 401K which I want to put more money in. Well, it is down a bit but if I put in more money now it will probably go up. I also know that I need to save a lot for retirement as well as a house and get out of debt. Then, I think about debt and budgeting, I wonder where I am at as far as my goals in the bank. And...the customers begin after the morning huddle. Now, after the first hour and numerous customers I begin poking about asking questions about who is taking what lunch. Am I hungry? Not yet but I want to know how fast to finish my drink of choice so I will be hungry at lunch. If it is a late then I will nurse my drink for a few hours and if it is early then I may finish it quicker or put the rest in the fridge.

Now, once lunchtime is decided I start thinking about daily calories. What I will eat the rest of the day is timed just perfectly by what I have eating, what I have had to drink, if I am going to run, where I am going that evening. (Well, as long as I stick to the plan...I always have a plan but I am super flexible and do really well with changes...in fact I love changes and sometimes force them along. ) Well, lets say this day I am going to run (because I need to start training again for half marathon 2 in June). So, I have my lunch planned and it looks like I get the eleven today. Great! Now, I know what I am eating, what time my snack is because I know what time I am going to run guestimatly and also how long it takes me to digest. I also happen to know what shoes I have on at work based on the fact that I will be running later that evening and I have also worn my sports bra...just for the fact I can.

Next order of business. Back to work and the regular thinking that pops in my head. Other plans filter in and out and I wonder about life, my marathon, my week and all the crazy plans there, the month, the day....now work is finally finished. I wanted to go to the gym after work but that is not a good idea. Plan change one. Off to the house to eat and to sit on the computer for a bit. Then I get a phone call from a friend. This is good and I try to figure out how long I can talk based on how long I have decided to run. Tonight is a short run but I still need to hit five miles. It has been a couple weeks and I need to stretch and sit in the steam room after. I also want time to read my bible and then talk on skype for a couple minutes if I am still awake.

Oh, and so back to time. I decided today to take the watch off to see what it would do. Well, I was anxious every time that I looked down where that watch was supposed to be. I wwas not sad that it was gone...or was I? My anxiety was not the attachment kind. It was the lack of knowing the time even though I was off work. I had lots of plans and had to be checking the clock all day to make sure I was making it on time. Oh, brother. I met with my mentor today who thought the whole thing very entertaining. She is a very loving, gentle, and chill person which is why I do so well with her. She is such a blessing to me and one of the personalities I get along with so well...she is a nice calm for me.


So, there are a bazillion other details that filter into my day. Plans, plans, plans and the crazy way the shift. I like shifting with them. I also like making plans and go from one planned moment to the other in life. What then do I do when something or someone comes in that is unplanned? Sometimes I don't know what to do but I usually do something. I welcome most changes but each one has to shift something around in my schedule. It is then you will see where my priorities are because I have so much planned that if I make time for you it is in no way because I feel obligated. I spend time with the ones I love. I love to make plans with people and sometimes the rest gets left behind. People get put in my schedule as a priority. I also need to make God the focus and lately that is where I am at.

I know it is God who has proven to me step by step how much He loves me and how His plans are perfect. I see it. I know it . At the time I don't always like it. In fact it is at this moment Father I need to ask for Your forgiveness. There was a plan that came from something unplanned. I wanted it so bad and thought I knew what was going to happen or at least the general direction. I did not pursue Your answer but followed what I felt. I pushed in my own way "knowing" and feeling it was Your plan. When it fell through I was angry with the situation, I was angry with You. I was frustrated and hurt and sad and unsure. I had not sought You in it but only what I wanted. I don't know what Your plans were in it. I have learned quit a bit from it. I am still learning. Growing day by day may Your grace cover me.

I am making plans even now. Tomorrow I have an interview. I am working on debt. I am working on my passion and love for You. I am wondering about life. Planning my vacations and marathons, my weekend, my tomorrow, my family. You give me strength and change me by Your Spirit. May my plans be flexible. I am in most areas but when I want something SO bad I can't see anything else that thing has then become and idol. When I want someone I have a difficult time trusting You with my heart and that You work those situations out as is best for me. Other plans it is easy to give to You. I wish there was not a difference. Somethings in life I am so carefree and I know You have it. The job. I know You will put me where You want me. Right now that is easy for me though I have waited 3 years to make the decision. Other decisions I make in ten seconds. I bought a car based on a thirty second conversation. When it comes to my heart it is much more difficult.

It is funny because as much as I love being with the opposite sex I am making zero plans at this point. I don't know what You have in store but I am extremely standoffish at the moment. I am watching two friends fall in love and think it is sweet but running from that whole idea. I don't know what You want. I don't feel like I can want. I need to want You most. Until I do that....I don't know. I am simply waiting for You to allow someone to get my attention. I am going to work on other plans because love is something that cannot be planned. It is funny how crazy life is and how many directions it has gone. I see your protection. I know it. I can tell how You have kept me safe and kept me for You and most of me for a guy as well. I don't regret not going down any road. I have done nothing with a guy. I don't want to either if it is the wrong one. You have saved it God even when that was not my intention. May I continue to save all my firsts. Give me Your strength Father. Allow me to continue to say "No," until it is the guy I finally get to belong to.

I was thinking back to when I first became a believer today. A song came on that I will post after this note. I remember at that time being obsessed with love and feeling very alone. I was sitting in a coffee shop at a church I had been to one time. A guy walked up to the mike and began playing a song on guitar. I fell in love with that song. He sang it and that night I met Nick. Blue eyes, black hair, guitar. Fortunately even though I ended up having a bit of a crush on the boy later nothing ever happened there. Thank You for that. I do remember that night how amazing the lyrics to the song were. I had grew up in church my entire life. I listened to plenty of hymns and music between church and a Christian school. That song spoke to me. I had never believed a guy that I thought was super hot could be singing a love song about a God I was not sure existed. That song, was a step and a beginning. It was at that point in my life You began to stir in my heart. I want that love with You....I really, really do. You have my heart, it belongs to You, don't share it until it is Your perfect plan because I don't want to.

In the Secret

In the secret
In the quiet place
In the stillness You are there
In the secret
In the quiet hour I wait only for You
Cause, I want to know You more

Chorus:
I want to know You
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more
I want to touch You
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more

I am reaching for the highest goal
That I might receive the prize
Pressing onward
Pushing every hindrance aside
Out of my way
Cause, I want to know You more.

Girl

Talk. I do this a lot. Think. I do this more. Sleep. I want this more but apparently not enough. Father, Your heavens are amazing and the beauty of everything. Tonight I wait on You to fill my heart. Continue to be my calm Lord in the midst of world and storm. Your breathtaking. I will trust You even when it hurts. I love knowing this Father and hope that I hold onto to the fact that You have it. Forgive me for putting too much into my own plans God and continue with palm face up and wide open. May I continue to fall in love with You and know I have no control. I love you.

Being a girl. Hmmmm....fun and yet each sex I am sure has their many pleasantries and issues. Tonight I was thinking of how much I just hold onto life. I went for a walk under the clouds, felt the wind brush against my skin. Was reminded of the blessing of touch. What it feels like just to curl up or sit tight and close against someone else. To feel their warmth, breathe them in, rest in their presence. To chase the wind and talk until the moon is deep into the night. To laugh until it hurts to breathe, and smile just because. Life is beautiful just as you have made it. Time. Time spent in the presence. Beautiful. May I always treasure the little things. Hugs, soft kisses, hands, cologne, arms, and precious words.

There is just so much in life to be thankful for and so much to be patient on. Nothing is worth moving too fast and loosing firsts. I cherish the firsts though there have been few. I am in longing Father of You and Your timing. I am in desperate need of You and still have a long way to go. Things Your working out in me and my character. Issues to deal with. The ways I feel imperfect. The ways I am always lost, always cold, can't spell. The ways I just want to be.

The way I want to look or act or be. The struggles that come with being girl. The heart that I must keep in check. The way you break me down and send me to my knees. The giving up and tears and physical heartbreaks. The patient longing not to trust too fast or give up the important firsts with someone. Worried about looking perfect and everyones standards. Makeup. Stylish clothes. The fact that I am loosing some tone in my abs but drawing closer to You. The money. I am trying to get out of debt and not be worried about keeping up. Just being me. Finding someone who loves me. Loves me when I am loud or happy. Loves me when I am wrong and passionately so. Loves me when I hurt, when I am stubborn, when I run, when I don't like me. In awe of You. That is where I stand. I cannot be perfect. Cannot fit the "girly" definition if they want me to look perfect. Does not want to Father but wants to be me and just be secure in that.

I like one on one times. Now, I can't. I feel lacking when I can't work out like I should. When I don't spend long enough with You. When I can't accomplish everything I want to do. When I don't wake up at 5 and curl my hair and cover my skin in makeup and wear dresses and heals and makeup and lots of perfume. I am simple. That has to be OK. May I not struggle in that. May I not hate the imperfections in my figure or the things I want to change. May I want what You want and trust that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. When I act naive. When I love too much too fast. When I run as fast as I can the other direction.

Your word is true and perfect and lovely to me. May I not conform myself or my thoughts. I love that I am playful and gentle when I choose. I like being stubborn sometimes....I love to take bubble baths and be cozy. I don't like showing off too much skin. I don't like having to worry about what a guy wants. I don't like having to feel like I have to protect myself from them. It gets so tiring all the time. I like to smile. I love to talk with someone who listens. With someone who talks. With someone who will share life and wants to be with me in it all. I really like one on one time. I am a time spender. Can't help but enjoy private moments and long nights as the shadows grown into early mornings. I can't help but want to be innocent.

I always want that. I want to be refined and purified...all the stuff that I have seen or heard. Things I have thought or done. May Your fire burn me. Burn it all. Thank You precious Lord. May I just be the girl You want to make me. The one who sees You. Holds fast to Your presence. Sits at Your feet and longs for Your voice. I love it. I need it. What other water fills my life? May I continue to rest. May I know that nothing I can do will ever force Your plan the directions I want it...or think I want it. I cling to You. I want to chase You. I want to honor You. May my love be real and tried and true. May I be passionate for You. To be conformed day by day. To know there are no reasons to panic. To breath You in. To trust You when it is good. To trust You when it hurts. May I be beautiful and on my knees before You Lord.

Beautiful

Today is such a blessing as is each one. It is so difficult to feel blessed and yet at the same time there is so much beauty everywhere. I love each and every little thing and hope to never take the simple for granted. There is something to be said for approaching the world with a childlike awe...may I keep that even when all else fails.

My thoughts are scattered...but that is because I am a girl. I am even thankful for that. I love smells and colors, lotions and perfumes, shampoos, glitter, heels and earrings.

The light brown liquid caresses my tongue as the wonderful flavor of my latte slides downward. The oversized hoodie I wear clings to my curves and it's softness makes it ever more desireable. The song being played is sweet to my ears and encouraging and moving to my heart. My skin smells of "P.S. I Love You" and a hint of "Alabster" perfume. The soft curls loop and dangle about my face and linger alongside my earings. A bubble bath is calling my name and ready to warm me quickly. A naptime is nearing and my plans for the week are quickly filling up the times of the calender. Today is Saturday and for each and every detail of it, I am ever greatful.

There is more to say and more to do. My heart is overflowing with the beautiful overwhelmingness that life brings. My pillow calls my name and the night will remain calming. There is something to be said for the quiet and alone times. I would not change God's plans even if I wanted. I want to know them and follow. When things are right and plans are made for me, nothing can thwart them. Be my lead Father, and lead me to You. Thank You for holding me and being in charge because left to my own it would all lead in disaster. There are chills and tingles in my heart. You...are....the Beautiful!

Something Beautiful
by Needtobreathe

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will ya let me drown, will ya let me drown

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is risin' quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees, I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful (fade out)

Words

Words harm or words build up. It appears there is a power in words unmatched though your still required actions to build them up. What then when your actions don't match your words? Utter confusion perhaps. Tonight I sit in a very splendid old house built in the 1800's. In Winterville is where I lay the scene surrounded by three cats and chinchillas (OK, so the chinchillas are actually in the cage around the corner thought I can hear them bouncing about). There is so much power in words.

After the hottest bath I could pull from the faucet I am bundled up because I am freezing as usual. In North Carolina the average house temperature seems to be about 68 degress and I have thin Arizona blood. Tonight, I am staying at my aunts house and have had such a blessed trip so far. Father, I cannot be thankful enough for this time to just relax. All the things I would get caught up in at home are not there. I do have to admit though had I not brought some books, an Ipod, my Bible, running shoes and finally took an outing from my sisters house in the woods I may not be doing so well right now. I need to keep my mind or body occupied and then I survive.

Tonights venture was almost dangerous on the side of my family. There are just times people hurt each other and I refuse to get caught up in the drama. I will be honest and genuine and still love both sides. So, tonight and tomorrow is with my Aunt Bonnie. This evening after dinner and the long drive we went out for coffee and a show. It was great hanging out in the college district and drinking a pumkin chai with whipped cream. (It really is the little things in life that I get emense enjoyment from) The band that played was a mix of bluegrass and I was left to thinking about guitar guys.

I forgot about this again until the quite of the bath and when the water stopped bubbling forth from the faucet I was reminded of something a very dear friend told me once. "Heather," Mike said, "You have got to stop verbalizing what your guy standards are unless they are real and don't ever say your not going to date." I laughed many a times at those blantant statements with him but tonight was thinking about how much he may have a point. I know exacly why he said it, because right before he asked his wife out on their first date she had proclaimed the non-dating statement before a group of their friends. I also have been given plenty of smack for stating guys like they are a grocery list. I remember one time telling a missionary wife I knew that I wanted a guy with black hair, blue eyes, and Irish accent, had to play guitar, love God, dance, and.... You get the point. She laughed and told me how ridiculous I was. I agreed to some extent but figured God is making me wait so I may as well know what I want. Have any guys I have ever liked fit that list....? Not one and I still liked them anyways.

I think I say a lot of things I don't necessarily mean because I am protecting myself. I often make a list of things and some of them are legite but only the ones that really matter. I am also learning that somehow guys think the standards for myself are standards they have to meet or live up to. Also a misinformed conclusion. All in all it really does not matter but I must be more careful with my own words. I mean what I say but sometimes I just say what I feel and "what you know should trump what you feel," though that is not often the case.

I also cannot let how I feel dictate how I see or respond to God. I love You Father with all of me. Somehow there can be a disconect between my heart and my head. It is so easy for me to think about God. To love God or talk about God because those are my strengths. To act on those things are something entirely different. I may want it...and want it so bad. That does not mean I am drawn directly to my knees or to the Word. That is where I lack and that is something I am working on. There is so much there that is lacking and now is exaclty when the time is right for me to just seek that.

I am finding out how great being single is or maybe not great this second but necessary. I don't know God's time but I see why and how He protected me in many, many circumstances in my life. There is no greater sense of love or protection then that which Christ offers. I need to not be so jumpy to fill it with something other then His best. I know that, I really do believe it thought being me and a girl can be dramatic about it. I also will not lower my standards and they are not crazy high (the real ones anyways) but I will and do not love easily nor do I intend to. I will still mantain and be extra cautios with guys. I may however gaurd my words and actions better. I know when it is right it will be clear and I will have to know by the guys response to me and to God. God will also have to allow me to see it because otherwise I will not trust it.

Right now, there is much to learn and I am far from where I need to be. I need to learn to love more. That begins with friends and family. I need to learn to be a servant. To live for You. To be more humble and gentle even when I tend to be stubborn and protective. There are so many soft edges and a wall I tend to keep up most often. Few people do I trust to really let the wall down with and when they give me reason to put it back up...I usually do. Now, my prayer most of all is that I just continue to chase and know You...To seek You. To love You. Your so wonderful! May I never love another more. May I never say things to others to hurt or injure. May I not be quick with a temper but display Your loving kindess even when I am hurt. I need the discipline Father. It is just like running. I so don't feel like it right now. In fact, it seems to be getting more and more difficult as I am in no way a natural runner. It always seems to take work. It takes more work then not is what I should say but sometimes you allow it to be fun and easy. Just like life. Just like relationships. But, when something is worth it I will stick with it I just need Your hand in showing me what in my life that is. And I pray through jobs, running, relationships, trials, and all the inbetweens that I continue to be focused on You, learn to love radically, be disciplined and be patient because Your going to force me to....:)