Woke up this morning and already broke rule one. Funny how the mind works so it appears this will be a process for me since I am always trying to figure life out. Perhaps I will struggle through the rest of today and work myself into tomorrow. Some things Cathy said last night are just rambling through my mind today though thankfully not until I woke myself up at 6a.m. Lots yet to do this morning but I just want these things out so I can walk away from them for at least a few hours.
Guarding ones heart is continually important. She continues to urge me to guard mine and not wait on any man. I figured this out just a couple months ago this year and am still figuring out exactly what this means. Why would I wait or hold out for things that may never be? This goes many directions in life but especially with regards to my heart. I am at the point where I have a great friend and now I am the one telling people how much I love him but how I have no intentions with him. I now have to make sure that we don't appear like we are dating and that is very, very difficult to do. I did wait on him. I waited on him for a really long time and through it realized how amazing he is and how much fun I have with him and how perfect at times it seems but how I know that when we are alone, or when it comes time for me to do something random or crazy...he is not the type to do it or be there with me.
I remember my previous mentors telling me at one point in life about just chasing God. One day you will look around and find out that there is someone going your direction and chasing Him with you. It is then that you will notice each other and then you know it is just right. He is not that for me but I love him and care so dearly for him and his family. He has been there for me so much lately and a true friend. It is not him I am waiting for. Unless God dramatically changes my situation I am waiting on something else. I don't know if I have seen it or found it yet but it is difficult to work through. How do you wait and find the guy who makes it clear? No games, being patient but not holding my heart for....if a guy is worthy and he wants you he will make it known. So, that is what I am to wait for. I cannot invest in a maybe. Maybes go on for days and months and sometimes years with a broken and invested heart. The others are not attached to me in the same way so all it manages to do is create an attachment that is unhealthy. Holding on to what I want, to what I can't seem to let go of has taught me a lot.
It took two very difficult situations with this guy to get us where we are now. I get it though and I understand it and now he gets no part of my affection that belongs to the man God has made me for. That, would be unfair to both him and my future. That would also be unfair to hang around and hope that the more I loved him the more he would love me. I did that for so long and thankfully God has made that situation even clearer the last month or so. With that said I have to now be very careful how it looks. If to every guy that is in my life it appears as though him and I are in a relationship I will have little opportunity to experience new relationships and friendships but may be blinded and content in this one. That is also not what I want since now is when I just have to run toward Christ and find the one who is running near me.
There is so much to wait on in life and sometimes it comes to letting go and other times it comes to being patient. There is a fine line but God all I ask is that You continue to allow me to wait on only those things I have to learn patience through and not the ones that I am just trying to hold on to. May You teach me the difference and may I lovingly give to You the things that I want realizing that You know best. May I believe that even when I think I know best. May I only wait God on You and be patient in You rest and in Your presence. May You prepare me and hold my heart fast until Your time. I am not sure what that is or what it looks like but God may I not try and give it to any less worthy thing then You. Guide me and give me strength to follow You and run hard and fast throwing off everything that would trip me or hinder my journey. Teach me to trust You and fall down and let go. Make Your plans clear and help me to guard the heart You give me.
While I'm Waiting
by John Waller
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
The Challenge
Bound up in a Coyotees blanket near the couch I sit. I am freezing in my own house at all times it appears. Good thing my room has it's own temperature control because I think I am officially a popsicle. In fact I might have to shower in super hot water before I even make it another sentance inward. I have decided I need to stop blogging again because it is time consuming. However, I keep talking myself back into for various reason with one being I need to think some things out and I don't write as fast as I type.
Tonight was blessed with a nice visit to my mentors house. I love them so much and cannot possibly be thankful enough for Cathy and the Wright family. It was such a smooth and God led shift from the Paasch's who live in another country to the Wright family and I cannot forget how God works His hand in my life. I seem to forget this in everything else but look at how faithful God continues to be yet I feel like I have to figure it out. Tonight, she left me with a challenge and a difficult one. The time frame begins with only one day though at first she was asking for a week. Through this challenge I am certain to see God more then I am at the moment. The day I choose will be a day when specific subjects pop up I am to not think on them for one second but immediatly pray and only focus on God. My churning mind is going to have to practice the "taking captive every thought" I mentioned Sunday. How funny it was that precisely some of the things that were on my mind just days ago she broght up.
So, whatever day it is I am to make my mind obediant to Christ. I am not to try and figure life out or plan but just find a rest and pursue God as my most treasured. There are some other stipulations as well including a non-facebook day to illeviate any possible distractions and I have considered turning my phone off as well but she will be praying and texting me through the day so perhaps not that. I guess there is a lot of focus to work on and put in practice and not allow my mind to make decisions that not only do I not have to make but that God directs the flow of anyways. Plus, the other craziness that often directs my life has to be second no matter what I feel like I should be doing at the moment. Giving up some things will be easier when I really give them over and just give the time I like to spend thinking about things to a better use and the only true and worthy deity.
Tomorrow may be just that day and the time. Tonight I pray in preparation and hope to learn self control and mind control in it. I need to know God more and really trust Him and really let go. After much discussion this evening I realized how much I force change. I may not need to be in control of a situation but I do need change and can't leave things how they are. I want answers if they are good or bad if they are yes or not. I want direction always and have little patience for standing still and pausing. It is in those moments I hold my breath and then I gasp and realize I have to make something move even if I force a negative one. This part of my personality is very difficult to grasp when I cannot force God to change a single thing. Maybe all He wants for me is to stand still and breathe. How is that possible? Change is what I pursue...always.
I make decisions quickly and I can leave just as quickly. Sticking around is so much more difficult. I can pull someone in my life and then can give up and walk away and put up a wall so big they will never cross over. Few have made it in my life after the wall goes up and it is only because of them and not because of me. My flinch is if your not in how I want you then get out. Not such a good trait and something I really have to learn through right now. I need to be content with life even if there are moments whith pauses. God, help me to do this and figure it out. May I trust You in this. May I not always pursue a different direction but sometimes work through the ones I am in. May I always be running for You and toward You. God, why is this so difficult for me? Why must I always go and always run and always change directions? Help me to trust and believe what You say. Help me to learn the lessons You are giving to me without my pride controlling the sitation. May I stick to what I said I am doing over the next few months and not jump to ten other things at full speed. Give me a love stronger and deeper for You and help me Lord to make it through tomorrow. May it be a lesson and a focus point. May my days and nights be for You.
The day winds down and this on my mind. Lots to accoplish but I cannot think on those things. Tonight...it is God. Tomorrow is a new day and one I am hopeful for. Blanket and I are going to bed early tonight and very hopeful I am not again awakened at 4 a.m. with thoughts going through my busy, buys mind. One day, one week, one month, one year, one lifetime. God holds all time in His hand and may my urgency be guided and directed by You and not by my own desires or sins or plans. Goodnight Father, I love You.
Tonight was blessed with a nice visit to my mentors house. I love them so much and cannot possibly be thankful enough for Cathy and the Wright family. It was such a smooth and God led shift from the Paasch's who live in another country to the Wright family and I cannot forget how God works His hand in my life. I seem to forget this in everything else but look at how faithful God continues to be yet I feel like I have to figure it out. Tonight, she left me with a challenge and a difficult one. The time frame begins with only one day though at first she was asking for a week. Through this challenge I am certain to see God more then I am at the moment. The day I choose will be a day when specific subjects pop up I am to not think on them for one second but immediatly pray and only focus on God. My churning mind is going to have to practice the "taking captive every thought" I mentioned Sunday. How funny it was that precisely some of the things that were on my mind just days ago she broght up.
So, whatever day it is I am to make my mind obediant to Christ. I am not to try and figure life out or plan but just find a rest and pursue God as my most treasured. There are some other stipulations as well including a non-facebook day to illeviate any possible distractions and I have considered turning my phone off as well but she will be praying and texting me through the day so perhaps not that. I guess there is a lot of focus to work on and put in practice and not allow my mind to make decisions that not only do I not have to make but that God directs the flow of anyways. Plus, the other craziness that often directs my life has to be second no matter what I feel like I should be doing at the moment. Giving up some things will be easier when I really give them over and just give the time I like to spend thinking about things to a better use and the only true and worthy deity.
Tomorrow may be just that day and the time. Tonight I pray in preparation and hope to learn self control and mind control in it. I need to know God more and really trust Him and really let go. After much discussion this evening I realized how much I force change. I may not need to be in control of a situation but I do need change and can't leave things how they are. I want answers if they are good or bad if they are yes or not. I want direction always and have little patience for standing still and pausing. It is in those moments I hold my breath and then I gasp and realize I have to make something move even if I force a negative one. This part of my personality is very difficult to grasp when I cannot force God to change a single thing. Maybe all He wants for me is to stand still and breathe. How is that possible? Change is what I pursue...always.
I make decisions quickly and I can leave just as quickly. Sticking around is so much more difficult. I can pull someone in my life and then can give up and walk away and put up a wall so big they will never cross over. Few have made it in my life after the wall goes up and it is only because of them and not because of me. My flinch is if your not in how I want you then get out. Not such a good trait and something I really have to learn through right now. I need to be content with life even if there are moments whith pauses. God, help me to do this and figure it out. May I trust You in this. May I not always pursue a different direction but sometimes work through the ones I am in. May I always be running for You and toward You. God, why is this so difficult for me? Why must I always go and always run and always change directions? Help me to trust and believe what You say. Help me to learn the lessons You are giving to me without my pride controlling the sitation. May I stick to what I said I am doing over the next few months and not jump to ten other things at full speed. Give me a love stronger and deeper for You and help me Lord to make it through tomorrow. May it be a lesson and a focus point. May my days and nights be for You.
The day winds down and this on my mind. Lots to accoplish but I cannot think on those things. Tonight...it is God. Tomorrow is a new day and one I am hopeful for. Blanket and I are going to bed early tonight and very hopeful I am not again awakened at 4 a.m. with thoughts going through my busy, buys mind. One day, one week, one month, one year, one lifetime. God holds all time in His hand and may my urgency be guided and directed by You and not by my own desires or sins or plans. Goodnight Father, I love You.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Focusing.
Eggnog latte in my tummy warming my inside hopefully enough to send a heat wave through the rest of my body. It has been a two bath and one shower just to thaw frequently kind of day. My mind is racing but faster then normal because it rarely stops. Tiredness is trying to settle in and my journal is somewhere in my room leaving the fasted rate of dictation to be in the form of typing a blog. Fancy that and the wonderment of technology...it is a beautiful thing.
Tonight's message in church was perfect as the previous moments of the day have led me to thinking much about where I am at with God. This is not something that can be defined but being a continual thinker there are times I must keep my thoughts in check. I let my mind wonder down each and every direction it would like to go and can on occasion stray to where I don't want to go. In moments like these I am reminded that first off God's call is to obedience. He wants my obedience more then my sacrifice and when my mind is not focused on Him it tends to stray. I was realizing how much I talk about things and what topics are always on the tip of my tongue ready to burst forth into sound. Of late it is not things of God because I have seemed to be farther and more distracted.
I lingered over this thought today and how God calls me to take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ and how sometimes I let it slither sinful directions. How does anything that is not of God honor God? How can I possibly have excuses and think that it is OK to think what I want? Thoughts often drive my actions because I am such a quick mover so why do I not fill it with what I am called to? I am simply and easily distracted.
The message tonight was great because it leads into things I had thought about and is a great encouragement to jump on the bandwagon of things I desire to pursue. I have often talked about mission and service for the Lord. I have talked some about school, much about guys, sometimes about songs and heart stirrings. I am an action person with tons of energy but sometimes feel like a ping pong ball trying to jump in every direction at one time. I need to take it down a couple notches and try and stay focused on only a limited number of things. I need to be committed to something and stick with it even when I can't breath and when I want nothing more then to run with everything inside of me. I need to feel You when I am on my knees and mean it when I pursue You and pray till I want nothing and no one else. I need You so badly. I ache for You and I try over and over again to fill that with anything that seems handy. Forgive me Father for that. It breaks my heart how easy I sin. How easily I break communion and how my sin and dwelling on things only separates me from You and Your perfect presence. On my knees God, on my knees. May my heart be stirred in every facet and filled by You.
In the moments my mind fills up by my own thoughts and worries I am living in sin. I try and figure things out all on my own and somehow believe that I am capable. If I just do this or say that or find this or turn from that somehow it will all make sense. However, I realize how much my self-focus is actually doing the opposite entirely and how much I need You to help me see outside of that at times. May I see others needs as above my own and pursue godliness and be truly broken. I am so strong and so stubborn God that I often believe I have to see your plan. I don't I just have to trust it.
With all this comes a time where I am trying to simplify life just slightly and not fill it so full that I can't see anything else. I really want to begin working on a brand new ministry project and Father I am begging for Your strength and direction in this. If it is Your will Father bring some ideas or person or direction for me to follow in the pursuit and make it clear if this is the direction You have me. My heart feels empty and useless God when I don't feel opportunities to share You and God I pray this is only the beginning. I know what You have made me for and see the gifts and talents that right now I am not using. May You bring them to life for You and for Your glory. I start the research now God may You be my lead and my I just chase You and no one else for You are the only one who I am supposed to pursue.
Highlights from tonight's message added only to my already churning mind so much to the point I did not stay in church for the ending. Rushing to the paper I go to capture the ideas God. Thank You so much for allowing me to be such a passionate person and Lord please continue to mold and refine this constantly broken vessel. What we believe determines how we behave. This is crazy true because what we believe about You and the world and every action we make or don't make is based off what we believe. So, we should just be able to watch the lives around us or in my case I took a look at my one life to asses what I believe based off my actions as of late.
I know what turns me on and what stirs me up and in that God need to pursue those things and the Word. I can't know You and feel You and be filled by You if it is only in mind. If I want something bad enough I will chase it and chase it hard but the only one I am called to chase is You. I will pursue You as a treasure just as one day that is how I would like to be pursued. Another thing Tyler brought up this evening was the idea that humans live out of our hearts. So, if something other then You is captivating me it will effect every area of my life and I can tell. I can tell right now it is not You and forgive me God how that breaks my heart. I wonder why I don't have answers and why things don't make sense and why I have to just walk away but I fail to be captivated by You and in doing so cannot possibly see things clearly anyway.
This weakness worries me because I don't like the up and downs God and the moments I stumble so roughly along. I don't want to be like this but I am. How much I want You. How much I ache for You. May Your spirit be alive in me Father and may I be evidence of You. How much I need to be patient in everything. I can so easily and quickly move along through life changing directions in two seconds. I can walk away. I can give up. I can move on and cling to other things. That is not what Your trying to teach me but to hold on to You. I don't. I let hurt drive me. I let fear live in me and alter my thoughts. May I know Your protection and trust the pain You allow. May I not replace the pain with someone or something else. I need to breathe. I need Your continual forgiveness and God I beg again for a true and humble brokenness. I want to see sin as my separation from You and understand the seriousness of it. I just ache for You. May I fall in love God with You. May I live my life for no one Else's eyes God. It is for You alone now may I keep that perspective in check. I don't care if I say to much God thank You for making me real. Thank You for the amazing energy and joy and for the ways You allow me to delight in You and in life. Father, I need You to be my Father. Fill my aching heart, my aching arms, my cup.
Tonight's message in church was perfect as the previous moments of the day have led me to thinking much about where I am at with God. This is not something that can be defined but being a continual thinker there are times I must keep my thoughts in check. I let my mind wonder down each and every direction it would like to go and can on occasion stray to where I don't want to go. In moments like these I am reminded that first off God's call is to obedience. He wants my obedience more then my sacrifice and when my mind is not focused on Him it tends to stray. I was realizing how much I talk about things and what topics are always on the tip of my tongue ready to burst forth into sound. Of late it is not things of God because I have seemed to be farther and more distracted.
I lingered over this thought today and how God calls me to take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ and how sometimes I let it slither sinful directions. How does anything that is not of God honor God? How can I possibly have excuses and think that it is OK to think what I want? Thoughts often drive my actions because I am such a quick mover so why do I not fill it with what I am called to? I am simply and easily distracted.
The message tonight was great because it leads into things I had thought about and is a great encouragement to jump on the bandwagon of things I desire to pursue. I have often talked about mission and service for the Lord. I have talked some about school, much about guys, sometimes about songs and heart stirrings. I am an action person with tons of energy but sometimes feel like a ping pong ball trying to jump in every direction at one time. I need to take it down a couple notches and try and stay focused on only a limited number of things. I need to be committed to something and stick with it even when I can't breath and when I want nothing more then to run with everything inside of me. I need to feel You when I am on my knees and mean it when I pursue You and pray till I want nothing and no one else. I need You so badly. I ache for You and I try over and over again to fill that with anything that seems handy. Forgive me Father for that. It breaks my heart how easy I sin. How easily I break communion and how my sin and dwelling on things only separates me from You and Your perfect presence. On my knees God, on my knees. May my heart be stirred in every facet and filled by You.
In the moments my mind fills up by my own thoughts and worries I am living in sin. I try and figure things out all on my own and somehow believe that I am capable. If I just do this or say that or find this or turn from that somehow it will all make sense. However, I realize how much my self-focus is actually doing the opposite entirely and how much I need You to help me see outside of that at times. May I see others needs as above my own and pursue godliness and be truly broken. I am so strong and so stubborn God that I often believe I have to see your plan. I don't I just have to trust it.
With all this comes a time where I am trying to simplify life just slightly and not fill it so full that I can't see anything else. I really want to begin working on a brand new ministry project and Father I am begging for Your strength and direction in this. If it is Your will Father bring some ideas or person or direction for me to follow in the pursuit and make it clear if this is the direction You have me. My heart feels empty and useless God when I don't feel opportunities to share You and God I pray this is only the beginning. I know what You have made me for and see the gifts and talents that right now I am not using. May You bring them to life for You and for Your glory. I start the research now God may You be my lead and my I just chase You and no one else for You are the only one who I am supposed to pursue.
Highlights from tonight's message added only to my already churning mind so much to the point I did not stay in church for the ending. Rushing to the paper I go to capture the ideas God. Thank You so much for allowing me to be such a passionate person and Lord please continue to mold and refine this constantly broken vessel. What we believe determines how we behave. This is crazy true because what we believe about You and the world and every action we make or don't make is based off what we believe. So, we should just be able to watch the lives around us or in my case I took a look at my one life to asses what I believe based off my actions as of late.
I know what turns me on and what stirs me up and in that God need to pursue those things and the Word. I can't know You and feel You and be filled by You if it is only in mind. If I want something bad enough I will chase it and chase it hard but the only one I am called to chase is You. I will pursue You as a treasure just as one day that is how I would like to be pursued. Another thing Tyler brought up this evening was the idea that humans live out of our hearts. So, if something other then You is captivating me it will effect every area of my life and I can tell. I can tell right now it is not You and forgive me God how that breaks my heart. I wonder why I don't have answers and why things don't make sense and why I have to just walk away but I fail to be captivated by You and in doing so cannot possibly see things clearly anyway.
This weakness worries me because I don't like the up and downs God and the moments I stumble so roughly along. I don't want to be like this but I am. How much I want You. How much I ache for You. May Your spirit be alive in me Father and may I be evidence of You. How much I need to be patient in everything. I can so easily and quickly move along through life changing directions in two seconds. I can walk away. I can give up. I can move on and cling to other things. That is not what Your trying to teach me but to hold on to You. I don't. I let hurt drive me. I let fear live in me and alter my thoughts. May I know Your protection and trust the pain You allow. May I not replace the pain with someone or something else. I need to breathe. I need Your continual forgiveness and God I beg again for a true and humble brokenness. I want to see sin as my separation from You and understand the seriousness of it. I just ache for You. May I fall in love God with You. May I live my life for no one Else's eyes God. It is for You alone now may I keep that perspective in check. I don't care if I say to much God thank You for making me real. Thank You for the amazing energy and joy and for the ways You allow me to delight in You and in life. Father, I need You to be my Father. Fill my aching heart, my aching arms, my cup.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Oh just a Christmas Eve
Tonight ended with eggnog. I did not drink it but sat the cup in front of me with a thankful ending to the evening.(I did have a bit earlier though) Too much sometimes are family holidays and gatherings for me. We all have the family situations that arise but it seems difficult for me to be with my family. I feel so weak and so unprotected and just wish I could be more myself instead of always on edge at these functions. Tonight was no different at least until the ending of the evening. I sat over a cup of eggnog and chatted with Sam. Simple, calm, and I loved the mellow and calmness.
God's ways are right and true and I fail so miserable already. This, I know and I am so far from where I will and want to be and yet I don't like having to deal with ridicule for the way I choose to live. Such a slight bit of persecution but my heart is much softer then I choose to show. It feels sometimes so deeply it is almost something physical. There are good and bad things that overwhelm me at times and I like that I feel so deep but I don't like it when I feel so open and unprotected. I long sometimes for the physical protection, for arms I can be wrapped up in, to just feel safe in someones company.....and I know that comes from Christ.
A strange situation and an uncomfortable one was brought on not only by my ideals and the gospel which I live for but just because of my lack of comforming. I understand that this may be the only persecution that I deal with in my life but sometimes when it is family or friends it is much more difficult to know how to respond. A certain guy who tries to win my attention and affection and a family friend told me he was my present before getting down on one knee to act out a marriage proposal. Following this came up the virgin discussion. For real why can't people just let me pursue and believe the truth and what God has to offer in a marriage relationship and a marriage bed and not take that as an opportunity to get on me? They do not understand and God's word tells me they will not but sometimes it is difficult to be made fun of for it. So after several rounds of shots fired at me and my virginity...I walked inside to just be still for a bit. Irritated but only one of the things on my mind so the situation has passed and now I must just find a way to honor God in it.
There are a thousand things going through my head right now and few I have answers for but it is not my place God that is Yours. I beg of You to help me just run that much harder toward you throwing off all things that hinder me and striving toward Your truth. I should love them and just humbly submit the reasons I choose to live the way I do and know how to respond when I become the joke of the evening. I should be strong enough to face opposition knowing it is an opportunity...I wish sometimes I were stronger but God You allow me to be a weak vessel. It is then that I see You, that I need You, that I ache for You and for home.
There are song lyrics that linger in my head and some newer ones from a worship CD. It is funny because they have more to do with the physical longing which I deeply understand. There is a physical ache that right now Father only You can satisfy. I tend to be a very touch oriented and physical person so some of these songs just make sense to me and touch on both the heart longing and the physical. God, may You be my complete....my completed everything! So, as the ramblings of this blog are more my thinking on paper I am compelled to leave some of the simple lyrics behind. How much music speaks volumes to me and how thankful I am Father for the ears to hear it...it moves my heart in so many wonderful ways...thank You I can sing to it and dance to it and feel it...
I Cannot Hide My Love
From Enter the Worship Circle
HOLY SPIRIT, I NEED YOUR TOUCH
MORE THAN EVER BEFORE
OH JESUS, I NEED YOUR LOVE
AND I`M DESPERATE FOR MORE (2X)WHEN I FEEL YOUR PRESENCE ALL AROUND ME
WHEN I FEEL YOUR ARMS AS THEY SURROUND MEI CAN NOT HIDE MY LOVE, I CAN NOT HIDE MY LOVE
MY FEET WILL HAVE TO DANCE
I CAN NOT HIDE MY LOVE, I CAN NOT HIDE MY LOVE
MY HEART WILL HAVE TO SING
Be Near To Me
from Enter the Worship Circle
MY HEART IS BROKEN, MY SPIRIT CRUSHED
THERE IS ACHING IN THESE ARMS
TO FEEL YOUR TOUCHBE NEAR TO ME, BE NEAR TO ME
I WILL TASTE AND SEE
THAT YOU ARE GOOD, SO GOOD
RESCUE ME QUICKLY, LORD HEAR MY CRY
I AM REACHING OUT MY HANDS
MY SOUL IS DRY
God's ways are right and true and I fail so miserable already. This, I know and I am so far from where I will and want to be and yet I don't like having to deal with ridicule for the way I choose to live. Such a slight bit of persecution but my heart is much softer then I choose to show. It feels sometimes so deeply it is almost something physical. There are good and bad things that overwhelm me at times and I like that I feel so deep but I don't like it when I feel so open and unprotected. I long sometimes for the physical protection, for arms I can be wrapped up in, to just feel safe in someones company.....and I know that comes from Christ.
A strange situation and an uncomfortable one was brought on not only by my ideals and the gospel which I live for but just because of my lack of comforming. I understand that this may be the only persecution that I deal with in my life but sometimes when it is family or friends it is much more difficult to know how to respond. A certain guy who tries to win my attention and affection and a family friend told me he was my present before getting down on one knee to act out a marriage proposal. Following this came up the virgin discussion. For real why can't people just let me pursue and believe the truth and what God has to offer in a marriage relationship and a marriage bed and not take that as an opportunity to get on me? They do not understand and God's word tells me they will not but sometimes it is difficult to be made fun of for it. So after several rounds of shots fired at me and my virginity...I walked inside to just be still for a bit. Irritated but only one of the things on my mind so the situation has passed and now I must just find a way to honor God in it.
There are a thousand things going through my head right now and few I have answers for but it is not my place God that is Yours. I beg of You to help me just run that much harder toward you throwing off all things that hinder me and striving toward Your truth. I should love them and just humbly submit the reasons I choose to live the way I do and know how to respond when I become the joke of the evening. I should be strong enough to face opposition knowing it is an opportunity...I wish sometimes I were stronger but God You allow me to be a weak vessel. It is then that I see You, that I need You, that I ache for You and for home.
There are song lyrics that linger in my head and some newer ones from a worship CD. It is funny because they have more to do with the physical longing which I deeply understand. There is a physical ache that right now Father only You can satisfy. I tend to be a very touch oriented and physical person so some of these songs just make sense to me and touch on both the heart longing and the physical. God, may You be my complete....my completed everything! So, as the ramblings of this blog are more my thinking on paper I am compelled to leave some of the simple lyrics behind. How much music speaks volumes to me and how thankful I am Father for the ears to hear it...it moves my heart in so many wonderful ways...thank You I can sing to it and dance to it and feel it...
I Cannot Hide My Love
From Enter the Worship Circle
HOLY SPIRIT, I NEED YOUR TOUCH
MORE THAN EVER BEFORE
OH JESUS, I NEED YOUR LOVE
AND I`M DESPERATE FOR MORE (2X)WHEN I FEEL YOUR PRESENCE ALL AROUND ME
WHEN I FEEL YOUR ARMS AS THEY SURROUND MEI CAN NOT HIDE MY LOVE, I CAN NOT HIDE MY LOVE
MY FEET WILL HAVE TO DANCE
I CAN NOT HIDE MY LOVE, I CAN NOT HIDE MY LOVE
MY HEART WILL HAVE TO SING
Be Near To Me
from Enter the Worship Circle
MY HEART IS BROKEN, MY SPIRIT CRUSHED
THERE IS ACHING IN THESE ARMS
TO FEEL YOUR TOUCHBE NEAR TO ME, BE NEAR TO ME
I WILL TASTE AND SEE
THAT YOU ARE GOOD, SO GOOD
RESCUE ME QUICKLY, LORD HEAR MY CRY
I AM REACHING OUT MY HANDS
MY SOUL IS DRY
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Contemplation
A nice cup of greenlike substance sits off to the side of me. A supposedly heathly mixture of green drink from Trader Joe's that should have been a warning to me when they had to label it "tastes great". Anytime something has to be labeled as such I know I should not purchase such item but since I figured it would be similar to spiralina I thought it a wise and healthy choice. So, I mix the powder into a nice cold class of "fresh" (how long ago does this mean it was squeezed) Naked juice O.J. to mask the potent taste. My eyes are tired and I have so much to clean and organize over the next few days. Running and working out are also in my mind but the things that do not leave are more distracting and should not be blogged about but when have I ever followed the rules well?
Constantly confused by the male sex I sit again wondering why and what. It is getting easier for me to walk away to just give up and forget and leave situations that seem to have no conclusion to them. The questions are always un-answered and the lack of answers always hurts me. The way life looks is not how it seems and I have not ever been a grass is always greener person though I have never had to commit either. Things are not always as they appear and this goes from both the public view and our own private one. Having to filter out a friendship here can be very difficult as it seems we are together and more then just friends apparently at all times. Sometimes I guess it would be easy to pretend and cling to that relationship because it is easy. There is no commitment or nothing real about it but he is in my life at least three days a week and on paper the "perfect" guy. It would be so easy to fall into the illusion that he is worth waiting for. I know better I know that he is not perfect for me. I know he is an amazing brother who I would not do without and who I am so thankful for. But Father, ah, I know it is not right even when it would have the apperance at times of being that way.
The part that is more confusing and harder to stomach is the way male female relationships work. Once again I have yet to find one that is purely platonic and it causes so much struggle. So, now as I am left in the continual wake of these friendships I have to deal with the waves. This...sucks....and I don't know my role because guys never make it clear. I can't be friends and I get told don't be available or make sure he knows you like him or don't like him or blah, blah, blah...
I have yet to understand the mentality of men and the rules of follow and chase. The only way to know is to be told and now I am going to have a more difficult time trusting. You either want me or you don't this is not a game it is a decision. Funny how fast they can make the decisions and how fast they can walk away...there is so much here I would tend to say out of frustration and lack of understanding but since I somehow still like men I will hold my tongue and pray about my attitude.
So, this will never all make sense and all I get to do is wait it all out and try and maintain a godly attitude. Do I trust it...? Now all I want to do is to run from it and anything like it. I can't get caught up in the whirl wind of I don't know but am going to wait for a strong and godly direction and lead. Meanwhile this patience is painful and so is this entire process. Pulling on one heart-string and then the other. Is it worth it? What do I walk away from permanently, where do I forgive and where do I put my pride and hurt aside and give it a chance? Running....would be so much easier and I so want to take that route with everything in me. God, may I hold on to Your plan and be patient as you knit the details together because at this point there are some things only You can make clear and only You can fix. There is so much more I want to say but now....I can't....or I won't. Father, may I love you more and may I trust You even when You allow me to hurt and struggle through life.
Constantly confused by the male sex I sit again wondering why and what. It is getting easier for me to walk away to just give up and forget and leave situations that seem to have no conclusion to them. The questions are always un-answered and the lack of answers always hurts me. The way life looks is not how it seems and I have not ever been a grass is always greener person though I have never had to commit either. Things are not always as they appear and this goes from both the public view and our own private one. Having to filter out a friendship here can be very difficult as it seems we are together and more then just friends apparently at all times. Sometimes I guess it would be easy to pretend and cling to that relationship because it is easy. There is no commitment or nothing real about it but he is in my life at least three days a week and on paper the "perfect" guy. It would be so easy to fall into the illusion that he is worth waiting for. I know better I know that he is not perfect for me. I know he is an amazing brother who I would not do without and who I am so thankful for. But Father, ah, I know it is not right even when it would have the apperance at times of being that way.
The part that is more confusing and harder to stomach is the way male female relationships work. Once again I have yet to find one that is purely platonic and it causes so much struggle. So, now as I am left in the continual wake of these friendships I have to deal with the waves. This...sucks....and I don't know my role because guys never make it clear. I can't be friends and I get told don't be available or make sure he knows you like him or don't like him or blah, blah, blah...
I have yet to understand the mentality of men and the rules of follow and chase. The only way to know is to be told and now I am going to have a more difficult time trusting. You either want me or you don't this is not a game it is a decision. Funny how fast they can make the decisions and how fast they can walk away...there is so much here I would tend to say out of frustration and lack of understanding but since I somehow still like men I will hold my tongue and pray about my attitude.
So, this will never all make sense and all I get to do is wait it all out and try and maintain a godly attitude. Do I trust it...? Now all I want to do is to run from it and anything like it. I can't get caught up in the whirl wind of I don't know but am going to wait for a strong and godly direction and lead. Meanwhile this patience is painful and so is this entire process. Pulling on one heart-string and then the other. Is it worth it? What do I walk away from permanently, where do I forgive and where do I put my pride and hurt aside and give it a chance? Running....would be so much easier and I so want to take that route with everything in me. God, may I hold on to Your plan and be patient as you knit the details together because at this point there are some things only You can make clear and only You can fix. There is so much more I want to say but now....I can't....or I won't. Father, may I love you more and may I trust You even when You allow me to hurt and struggle through life.
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