Our culture as an integrated system of connections can be summarized by the basic form of a slime mold. While sitting down and watching the simplest of organisms we find very interrelated processes and thinking patterns. In the emergences of life and culture we continue to explore the way things work through looking at basic connections between ants, the human brain, computer programs, city development, and let’s not forget the importance of the slim mold. Is this the beginning of understanding a culture or is culture something that bears no logical explanation for it?
We sit and watch the movements of the smallest and most seemingly uncomplex organisms we can find to try and wrap our minds around people. Our creative abilities and brains are racked are we are forced to change our ideas and explore the finite mind to push forth and discover explanations for everything. I would hope that everything in the world is not explainable though I am one who loves to seek patterns and explanations for the world around me. If we take a look at systems we see patterns that are explained by bottom up or upward down structures. We also are trying to break the way our minds think by discovering new and innovative ways to create and mold society.
The slime mold and the ants show us first and foremost a very unique pattern on life organized. Both of these two organisms can seem to appear very different yet at the core become their own form of organized society. The culture that exists appears adaptive and led but without a dictator or leader. Ants move about and base life off of communication and adaption. It is not the social system that we are used to and is unique to human thinking. Ants follow pheromones and limited “conversations” with each other. It is similar to a picture in a computer game that is explained in the book by Steven Johnson called “Emergence.” There are wind-up toys that the game player sets into motion. Once in motion the other wind-up toys will respond not only to patterns but will change their responses based off the other wind-up toys they encounter. If the computer programmer were to ingrate things like speed bumps, walls or other things the patterns would change not simply based off communication or the encounter with other wind-up toys but also other factors. The ants communicate and take “jobs” based off the need. They must have a calculation system always going about in their minds because they can base this change off what the need is and how many ants are doing the same job. They continue to follow the need and are able to do so very successfully without being told. The system works and everything that needs to happen is accomplished for the ant colony. What a spectacular system put into place for the purpose of the ant colonies existence. How is it that life can survive and how can a leaderless society thrive? We watch and learn as unlike the human view of the “tragedy of the commons,” in the lives of ants there is a systematic organization that works and is collective in nature.
You may be an avid believer in evolution. For you the world evolved from itself and these patterns just worked out from train and error. You believe entirely in chance and in mutations creating the complexity of life as we know it. I believe in a Biblical view of the word and creation. There were times biblically speaking where there was not the existence of a human leader. People were directed from God and other less officially leaders. Man asked for a leader and in the O.T. they appointed a king. However, people still needed to be led. We are reminded in the Bible in the New Testament how selfish we are and there is constant reminders to give to others in need and what a society looks like when it operates as one rather than how it operates when we look to the individual needs. Humans are taught not to be selfish. I watch little children and we spend more time teaching them what is good for society as a whole. Perhaps it is very cultural though I can still tell you even though I want to help others my desires are often selfish. If we look to other tribes and natures and cultures they offer much more community oriented life. There still exists within those systems leaders or people out to do harm or to take something or someone that does not belong to them. What does that look like in the slime mold model? Is the answer for evolutionist in the society that exists amidst the apes? Does the answer lie in man being made in the image of God and having a soul?
We do not teach children to say mine or me. We inherently think about ourselves and what we want. What is so different and what sets apart humans from insects in the way we do life? We have to learn and we have to fight our nature to the core. Perhaps it is an issue of sin on behalf of man. When we act like animals we are told we are acting out of instinct or not to act like an animal because there are higher expectations for the manners that are appropriate for human behavior. The rules are different. What sets the rules and standards and norms of the cultures and society we live in? Why is the insect world and animal kingdom so different? What is it that catches our attention and causes us to react? Is it the Jiminy Cricket called our conscience? Is it the Biblical Holy Spirit that works through us to teach us right from wrong? There are defined rules that most men and women see as inherently wrong and others that will be constant issues we stand and fight for or against. There is something so different and unique about humans the amazing way we organize. Do we have free will or are we simply organized and moving about the planet based off a systematic approach to life that we have yet to understand? Are we less organic and less individualistic then we first thought ourselves to be? Is there a larger combination of things at work?
I have very strong beliefs and arguments but I have to believe that there are some things we do based off the way we are created. A complex structure of genes and DNA that make me up and the amazing circumstances that surround my life will cause me to become a certain person. Mix these with my beliefs, my family, my God, my actions and the way life will treat me. These are going to be so unique for each person how can we every narrow it down to a simple understanding? We can try to find patterns which will be extraordinarily useful in evaluating society. We want desperately to understand the implications that surround the why, the who, the what, then when and the how. Perhaps there is some direction intermixed with free will. Perhaps it is beyond our guesses and understanding. Yet, we continue to explore emergence.
We explore emergence through computer games and programming. We can watch and study people and children and look into the behavior that shapes the culture we live in. We look at actions and reactions and try and create our own order through a system of disorder. There are organized patterns. We look internally. There exists areas that I am interested in where we try and uncover the depths of people and their behavior. The sciences are exploratory facets where we seek complete understanding and answers to questions we cannot define. What if there is not an explanation for manual for everything in life? We want answers but how do you explain the unexplainable and the things that move beyond science and reason?
Meanwhile we study. We watch and wait as we observe and discover new ways of thinking. We study human behavior and watch the lives around us. We look at psychology and study personalities. We watch the cultures in cities and how things spring up and grow around us. There are patterns and some of these are set aside by systems and authorities. Yet, there remains the mystery of emergence and how some systems develop by having a bottom up approach. We seek to leave our mark and to be individual. The systems are learning to develop to us. I cannot explain why certain people and cultures gravitate toward certain areas. Perhaps it is people who seek the change that create the culture. It could be a slow trickle or happen by accident. It could be a divine appointment that moves someone from one direction in life to another. What is the glue that appears magical and holds the systems together? The slime mold was multiple pieces that come together and once there move more like one force.
There are now objects and computers trying to duplicate the human intelligence. These programs try to go beyond our understanding and help us to figure out what in the world is going on here. We continue to observe because we have no other choice. We have systems of advertisement and television that begin to be interactive and try and engage in our personal systems. I have emails and links that load automatically on my computer that offer compelling advertisements for the things I am interested in. I am being watched and I am being studied yet so are you. The world is continuing to move with many forces that drive it. The organization changes and so do the leaders. Systems continue to develop. What is really going on? There is something yet to me mysterious and beautiful in this unknown and I don’t have the answers. Not having the answers I continue to search and in doing so change life as much as life changes me. Am I in a defined system or do I define the system? “If you don’t like the way things work today, change the system.” (Johnson, Emergence, 162) Are we catalysts for change or is it a combination with something much bigger and more unknown going on?
Saturday, October 02, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Espana
To my supporters, my friends,
(I will apologize now because I am a story teller by nature, just be glad I left the travel back and the one day romping around Malaga out for your sake!)
Spain. The trip was one of opportunity and blessing to those who are in troubled times. As we began our trip I asked that people would pray for some great adventure and opportunity. I was blessed but more by the things I was not able to accomplish then the ones I had. And as far as adventure…are we not always on a great adventure as God’s story unfolds before us?
Our trip started with a 27 hour flight from Phoenix to Malaga in which I was able to get to know my travel buddy and fellow team member a little better. My first trip off this continent was a series of 4 planes, multiple layovers and sleepless flights! I was blessed to be traveling with someone that is easy to get along with when I was not at my best and on the verge of crankiness. I will not lie when I say over the 35 hours I was awake I believe I drank four coffees but I kept the caffeine dose in small amounts. Phoenix to Minneapolis was our next plane except I had a minor issue with some luggage repacking. I just love unzipping my suitcase in the middle of the airport and realizing there are some items that should not be on top for the world to see (God had begun to prepare me for some work in humility). Let’s just say we had to make 3 bags become 2 because of the cost involved and also as on top of things as I am J I still had to check in though my travel buddy was prepared (at least technically speaking)!
Our first layover was in Minneapolis and preparing to be in flight for 9 hours we proceeded to wander about the airport wanting to move as long as possible. We decided since we had roughly 3 hours and a promise of a flight without food we would circle the airport to pick the best place. One thai burrito down we were anxious to get moving about again (and I was anxious to begin the digestion process!) Off we went to lap the long shopping mall like airport we were stuck in when my traveling buddy decided to point out the ice cream stand=joy! Nearly finished with our treat of Ben and Jerry’s an announcement boomed over the airport intercom. “Last call for Amsterdam.” “What? When was the first?” We bolted toward the gate and were rewarded by being allowed on the flight. Apparently international flights must be boarded an hour before take-off which they dutifully let us know as they proceeded to tell us we were the last two passengers and that if we had been 10 or 20 minutes later they would have removed our baggage. Steve and I soon decided being the two last people on the plane was a perfect plan because all we had to do was walk right on and sit down without any people delays in the way. This would be our plan for the rest of the trip.
The flight was long but I was able to catch up on some current movies and befriend the gentleman next to me. His family was from Jordan though they lived in Switzerland. I did not catch his name but did catch the tattoo across his forearm that stated in black scripted ink “Persianality,” in case you had any doubts of his heritage. The family was great and since neither him nor I could sleep we chatted amidst the videos while Steve was able to get a bit of sleep (while I left him alone which I chose to do since I wanted to be friends with him when we arrived in Spain and because we had a long trip to go.) That flight was about 9 hours long and we prepared for our arrival in Amsterdam.
A couple hours and one coffee from Starbucks later we watched as fellow passengers began to board the next plane which would take us to Madrid. It was now morning and I could not figure out when to drink or eat and I was unable to sleep. We patiently planned it so we were nearly the last two people on the flight this time. The flight to Madrid was shorter and I finally managed to take a cat nap of about 30 minutes which I was in dire need of at that point. This was our third plane and we began the decent into Madrid when I noticed that each and every time we would begin landing Steve would pull out what appeared to be the safety pamplette that sits in the pouch of the seat in front of you. Thinking that was a funny habit I asked him why it was he did that. He was preparing ahead at each airport we went to find the next gate! I could not have had a better person to travel with as it seemed I always had the paperwork and itinerary but was lacking in some practical preparation which he seemed to be on top of. Who says God does not have a perfect plan (or a sense of humor since I am certain Steve and I have completely opposite personalities)!
Madrid. We had landed and at that moment I realized there was some urgency in the situation via the expression and verbage from Steve. Unbeknownst to me we had roughly 1 hour and 20 minutes to completely uncheck ourselves from the airport and check back in. (Once again I give props and thankfulness for the travel companion God provided because I was not aware such a situation was possible when traveling…I really need to get out more) So, we took off at a jogging speed which of course I was slacking in via the computer backpack hopping about on my back, the unsteady flip-flops I was wearing and the lack of airflow creating a warm and stuffy environment. We bound out of the airport and traveled up and down searching for some sign of our airline. The lines were extremely long and Tap-Portugal was no where to be found. Finally as time lacked and I was feeling a little clamy I searched out any person I could grab (of course forgetting I was in Spain and I would have to make an attempt at working with a different language). Thankfully he pointed out the obvious (which was not obvious to me) but three lines down from the listed airline on our itinerary was listed Spainair as the operating airline for Tap-Portugal. Gasp! We managed to check in and make in through and rushed to the gate with 10 minutes to spare and praise the Lord we will make it to Malaga!
Shortly after a water bottle purchase and a shirt change (we had been traveling for many hours now) we waited patiently trying to cool down from the crazy rushing around and possible missed flight situation. Then, the intercom booms again but in Spanish. We don’t know what it said so we rush over only to find out that our departure is delayed due to technical difficulties. (sigh) And so we decided it was time for some food. Headed back the second time to our gate we wait again. A voice booms (and by now I mean booming slightly as I am near crankiness but not there and ready to lay flat as being forced to sit airplane style is not my favorite situation ever). We are delayed once more and told to return this time at 8. Off to coffee we go (hurray for travel buddies who drink coffee, the Lord just continues to bless me!) After I selfishly order 2 coffees (I ordered one but the man only spoke Spanish and so he put the two shots in two cups which I told him I was not sharing with Steve) Steve was forced to order his own though I had every intent of ordering him one as well. We headed a third time to our gate as two people signaled us to move faster if we were headed to Malaga. We were 2 minutes before the time they told us to board but somehow we were for the 2nd time nearing being left behind and the last two people on the plane.
On arriving in Malaga it was smooth sailing. All our luggage had made it through all the craziness (thankfully since my 2nd suitcase was filled with only gifts and talent show items which would have been useless for clothing needs)We spent the first night at my friend Theresa’s house who is a fellow EVBC missionary working in Spain. The next day after 8 hours sleep to catch up it was time to head to the camp. We arrived in a beautiful Spanish camp in the mountains near Malaga. The temperature was similar to that of California this time of year and the scenery resembled something of the white mountains of Arizona. We packed and tied our luggage to the top of a van and Ali (who is from England and driving completely on the opposite side of the road then she is used too) drove us there saftley with only one near death experience! That day we spent our time getting settled in and looking at the campus to put our plans in order for the VBS which would in fact start bright and early the next morning. It was this part of the day I had to re-vamp my entire plan. I was unsure of what the facilities looked like and also the equiptment that would be available to use. I knew two things the first being that I was in charge of the worship for the VBS and the second that I was in charge of the talent show portion.
I can tell you that this camp was a joy to serve in and a learning experience for me. Everything I had planned out was of no use and daily I was re-working the previous day to try and create something that would be a better fit for the children. The week ran from Tuesday to Saturday and the schedule was the nearly the same for every day. About 8:30 a.m. it was breakfast time and then off to corperate worship. Immediately following coorperate worship it was time to run the childrens worship which meant that I was in charge. I was a little unnearved especially in the beginning because I have had very little experience working with American or English speaking children. All of the children we worked with in the camp were missionary children from families that dwell in Morocco. This From there we spent the first half of the VBS breaking off into various age groups with a mixture of games, teaching and crafts depending on the age. About 1:30 P.M. was lunch and then break time for everyone until about 5:30.
About 5:30 P.M. everyday my favorite time of day arrived: coffee and cake time! This is my favorite time of day because it wasn’t until about 5 p.m. every day that I finally felt good and awake (with the 9 hour time difference) and also they eat primarily fish and some pork which I don’t love so I ate very little between breakfast and five. After that point it the 2nd breakout meeting of the day for the conference was to take place and so it was time for the VBS part 2 of the day which lasted until about 8 P.M.
This trip was such a blessing to be a part of and serve on. The children we spent time with are all considered cross culture children because each one of them have grown up or spent time in multiple countrys and speak at least 2 languages. These children live in places I have never been and grow up in very different situations having parents that live wherever the mission will send them. For some of these children Morocco is still their current home and for others tomorrow is very unknown. If you could please be in prayer for them and their families as many of them have lost their ability to live and work in Morocco. There has been many changes and not for the better over the last six months or so. People who have spent many years working in N.Africa who are found to be Christians are being sent out and this includes the parents of some of these children as well. Knowing that made me even more thankful that I was able to serve and build relationships with them. They are such a joy to be able to work with and love on and to be an encouragement to. I was blessed and encouraged immensely by being able to work alongside such wonderful teammates and with such amazing children.
I am thankful for your support and prayers on this trip. By your support God was able to send a team of us to serve others who give their lives to be in countries many of us would never dream of going to . You have then also become a blessing and I am more thankful then you can imagine. I wish I could give you more of the details but for the protection of those involved have to keep the story brief. There were so many children I will not be quick to forget and so many fun personalities and stories.
On this trip I was also able to learn many things about myself and God used this trip to show me I need to be a much more humble servant. It is the times I am comfortable in life that I don’t seem to grow as much. Therefore I am thankful that He allowed me to see and seek Him more when I did not have perfect circumstances and did not know what to do. Unlike the trips to Caborca, Mexico I help out with each and every year this is the first mission trip in nearly 5 years that my growth steamed from not being in charge and not knowing what was going on. The challenges that effected me were things from being uncomfortable, the jet lag, constant program revamping and fighting selfishness because when circumstances are undesirable it rears it’s ugly head more then usual. I am so thankful that God allows us to be stretched and to grow and would not have changed any part of it. If I can honor Him what does a little jet lag matter and how should I only praise Him the more when I am feeling up to par and ready to face the world head on? I am genuinely thankful for your time in reading this, in supporting me, in checking up to see how it went, and the hearts you have shown to help spread the gospel to the ends of the earth.
Other things I learned:
How to play paintball! And can I just share with you all that I was able to capture the flag and I won one round for us with an awesome teammate who “covered” me as I charge for the opponents base!
Paintball is painful. I was shot in each arm, in the shoulder and one exploded on my head which hurt for roughly 3 days.
Fish in every country is gross and in Spain it is included in nearly every meal.
Icy Hot makes terrible toothpaste and keeps it’s flavor well once applied to bristles.
When you can’t figure out how to use an American hairdryer feel free to keep moving your hand under the automatic hand dryer located near the exit door in the bathroom at different angles to keep it blowing.
Coffee con leche (or half coffee and half warm milk) is a God sent blessing everywhere.
I can’t sleep on planes.
Once a boy of any age finds out you are afraid of bugs they will continue to find ways to put them on or around you.
You can drink from fountains, they are not just a decoration.
Jet lag is a real thing.
Mountain hiking in the dark is amazing, especially when you get to watch the sunrise.
God is sufficient.
If you eat a hamburger in Spain it is primarily pork.
The body of Christ is everywhere.
God, doesn’t waste anyones time
Thank you all so much because without you I would not have been able to serve. You have blessed people who were aching and hurting and needing blessing and encouragement. I would also like to thank you for your patience with my letter as I try to give you a brief picture of what the ten days looked like for me. If you have any questions I would be happy to answer them so feel free to contact me at any point. I will be enclosing some photos but for the safety of the children and their parents am unable to send anything with them in it.
Because of Christ,
Heather Testa
(I will apologize now because I am a story teller by nature, just be glad I left the travel back and the one day romping around Malaga out for your sake!)
Spain. The trip was one of opportunity and blessing to those who are in troubled times. As we began our trip I asked that people would pray for some great adventure and opportunity. I was blessed but more by the things I was not able to accomplish then the ones I had. And as far as adventure…are we not always on a great adventure as God’s story unfolds before us?
Our trip started with a 27 hour flight from Phoenix to Malaga in which I was able to get to know my travel buddy and fellow team member a little better. My first trip off this continent was a series of 4 planes, multiple layovers and sleepless flights! I was blessed to be traveling with someone that is easy to get along with when I was not at my best and on the verge of crankiness. I will not lie when I say over the 35 hours I was awake I believe I drank four coffees but I kept the caffeine dose in small amounts. Phoenix to Minneapolis was our next plane except I had a minor issue with some luggage repacking. I just love unzipping my suitcase in the middle of the airport and realizing there are some items that should not be on top for the world to see (God had begun to prepare me for some work in humility). Let’s just say we had to make 3 bags become 2 because of the cost involved and also as on top of things as I am J I still had to check in though my travel buddy was prepared (at least technically speaking)!
Our first layover was in Minneapolis and preparing to be in flight for 9 hours we proceeded to wander about the airport wanting to move as long as possible. We decided since we had roughly 3 hours and a promise of a flight without food we would circle the airport to pick the best place. One thai burrito down we were anxious to get moving about again (and I was anxious to begin the digestion process!) Off we went to lap the long shopping mall like airport we were stuck in when my traveling buddy decided to point out the ice cream stand=joy! Nearly finished with our treat of Ben and Jerry’s an announcement boomed over the airport intercom. “Last call for Amsterdam.” “What? When was the first?” We bolted toward the gate and were rewarded by being allowed on the flight. Apparently international flights must be boarded an hour before take-off which they dutifully let us know as they proceeded to tell us we were the last two passengers and that if we had been 10 or 20 minutes later they would have removed our baggage. Steve and I soon decided being the two last people on the plane was a perfect plan because all we had to do was walk right on and sit down without any people delays in the way. This would be our plan for the rest of the trip.
The flight was long but I was able to catch up on some current movies and befriend the gentleman next to me. His family was from Jordan though they lived in Switzerland. I did not catch his name but did catch the tattoo across his forearm that stated in black scripted ink “Persianality,” in case you had any doubts of his heritage. The family was great and since neither him nor I could sleep we chatted amidst the videos while Steve was able to get a bit of sleep (while I left him alone which I chose to do since I wanted to be friends with him when we arrived in Spain and because we had a long trip to go.) That flight was about 9 hours long and we prepared for our arrival in Amsterdam.
A couple hours and one coffee from Starbucks later we watched as fellow passengers began to board the next plane which would take us to Madrid. It was now morning and I could not figure out when to drink or eat and I was unable to sleep. We patiently planned it so we were nearly the last two people on the flight this time. The flight to Madrid was shorter and I finally managed to take a cat nap of about 30 minutes which I was in dire need of at that point. This was our third plane and we began the decent into Madrid when I noticed that each and every time we would begin landing Steve would pull out what appeared to be the safety pamplette that sits in the pouch of the seat in front of you. Thinking that was a funny habit I asked him why it was he did that. He was preparing ahead at each airport we went to find the next gate! I could not have had a better person to travel with as it seemed I always had the paperwork and itinerary but was lacking in some practical preparation which he seemed to be on top of. Who says God does not have a perfect plan (or a sense of humor since I am certain Steve and I have completely opposite personalities)!
Madrid. We had landed and at that moment I realized there was some urgency in the situation via the expression and verbage from Steve. Unbeknownst to me we had roughly 1 hour and 20 minutes to completely uncheck ourselves from the airport and check back in. (Once again I give props and thankfulness for the travel companion God provided because I was not aware such a situation was possible when traveling…I really need to get out more) So, we took off at a jogging speed which of course I was slacking in via the computer backpack hopping about on my back, the unsteady flip-flops I was wearing and the lack of airflow creating a warm and stuffy environment. We bound out of the airport and traveled up and down searching for some sign of our airline. The lines were extremely long and Tap-Portugal was no where to be found. Finally as time lacked and I was feeling a little clamy I searched out any person I could grab (of course forgetting I was in Spain and I would have to make an attempt at working with a different language). Thankfully he pointed out the obvious (which was not obvious to me) but three lines down from the listed airline on our itinerary was listed Spainair as the operating airline for Tap-Portugal. Gasp! We managed to check in and make in through and rushed to the gate with 10 minutes to spare and praise the Lord we will make it to Malaga!
Shortly after a water bottle purchase and a shirt change (we had been traveling for many hours now) we waited patiently trying to cool down from the crazy rushing around and possible missed flight situation. Then, the intercom booms again but in Spanish. We don’t know what it said so we rush over only to find out that our departure is delayed due to technical difficulties. (sigh) And so we decided it was time for some food. Headed back the second time to our gate we wait again. A voice booms (and by now I mean booming slightly as I am near crankiness but not there and ready to lay flat as being forced to sit airplane style is not my favorite situation ever). We are delayed once more and told to return this time at 8. Off to coffee we go (hurray for travel buddies who drink coffee, the Lord just continues to bless me!) After I selfishly order 2 coffees (I ordered one but the man only spoke Spanish and so he put the two shots in two cups which I told him I was not sharing with Steve) Steve was forced to order his own though I had every intent of ordering him one as well. We headed a third time to our gate as two people signaled us to move faster if we were headed to Malaga. We were 2 minutes before the time they told us to board but somehow we were for the 2nd time nearing being left behind and the last two people on the plane.
On arriving in Malaga it was smooth sailing. All our luggage had made it through all the craziness (thankfully since my 2nd suitcase was filled with only gifts and talent show items which would have been useless for clothing needs)We spent the first night at my friend Theresa’s house who is a fellow EVBC missionary working in Spain. The next day after 8 hours sleep to catch up it was time to head to the camp. We arrived in a beautiful Spanish camp in the mountains near Malaga. The temperature was similar to that of California this time of year and the scenery resembled something of the white mountains of Arizona. We packed and tied our luggage to the top of a van and Ali (who is from England and driving completely on the opposite side of the road then she is used too) drove us there saftley with only one near death experience! That day we spent our time getting settled in and looking at the campus to put our plans in order for the VBS which would in fact start bright and early the next morning. It was this part of the day I had to re-vamp my entire plan. I was unsure of what the facilities looked like and also the equiptment that would be available to use. I knew two things the first being that I was in charge of the worship for the VBS and the second that I was in charge of the talent show portion.
I can tell you that this camp was a joy to serve in and a learning experience for me. Everything I had planned out was of no use and daily I was re-working the previous day to try and create something that would be a better fit for the children. The week ran from Tuesday to Saturday and the schedule was the nearly the same for every day. About 8:30 a.m. it was breakfast time and then off to corperate worship. Immediately following coorperate worship it was time to run the childrens worship which meant that I was in charge. I was a little unnearved especially in the beginning because I have had very little experience working with American or English speaking children. All of the children we worked with in the camp were missionary children from families that dwell in Morocco. This From there we spent the first half of the VBS breaking off into various age groups with a mixture of games, teaching and crafts depending on the age. About 1:30 P.M. was lunch and then break time for everyone until about 5:30.
About 5:30 P.M. everyday my favorite time of day arrived: coffee and cake time! This is my favorite time of day because it wasn’t until about 5 p.m. every day that I finally felt good and awake (with the 9 hour time difference) and also they eat primarily fish and some pork which I don’t love so I ate very little between breakfast and five. After that point it the 2nd breakout meeting of the day for the conference was to take place and so it was time for the VBS part 2 of the day which lasted until about 8 P.M.
This trip was such a blessing to be a part of and serve on. The children we spent time with are all considered cross culture children because each one of them have grown up or spent time in multiple countrys and speak at least 2 languages. These children live in places I have never been and grow up in very different situations having parents that live wherever the mission will send them. For some of these children Morocco is still their current home and for others tomorrow is very unknown. If you could please be in prayer for them and their families as many of them have lost their ability to live and work in Morocco. There has been many changes and not for the better over the last six months or so. People who have spent many years working in N.Africa who are found to be Christians are being sent out and this includes the parents of some of these children as well. Knowing that made me even more thankful that I was able to serve and build relationships with them. They are such a joy to be able to work with and love on and to be an encouragement to. I was blessed and encouraged immensely by being able to work alongside such wonderful teammates and with such amazing children.
I am thankful for your support and prayers on this trip. By your support God was able to send a team of us to serve others who give their lives to be in countries many of us would never dream of going to . You have then also become a blessing and I am more thankful then you can imagine. I wish I could give you more of the details but for the protection of those involved have to keep the story brief. There were so many children I will not be quick to forget and so many fun personalities and stories.
On this trip I was also able to learn many things about myself and God used this trip to show me I need to be a much more humble servant. It is the times I am comfortable in life that I don’t seem to grow as much. Therefore I am thankful that He allowed me to see and seek Him more when I did not have perfect circumstances and did not know what to do. Unlike the trips to Caborca, Mexico I help out with each and every year this is the first mission trip in nearly 5 years that my growth steamed from not being in charge and not knowing what was going on. The challenges that effected me were things from being uncomfortable, the jet lag, constant program revamping and fighting selfishness because when circumstances are undesirable it rears it’s ugly head more then usual. I am so thankful that God allows us to be stretched and to grow and would not have changed any part of it. If I can honor Him what does a little jet lag matter and how should I only praise Him the more when I am feeling up to par and ready to face the world head on? I am genuinely thankful for your time in reading this, in supporting me, in checking up to see how it went, and the hearts you have shown to help spread the gospel to the ends of the earth.
Other things I learned:
How to play paintball! And can I just share with you all that I was able to capture the flag and I won one round for us with an awesome teammate who “covered” me as I charge for the opponents base!
Paintball is painful. I was shot in each arm, in the shoulder and one exploded on my head which hurt for roughly 3 days.
Fish in every country is gross and in Spain it is included in nearly every meal.
Icy Hot makes terrible toothpaste and keeps it’s flavor well once applied to bristles.
When you can’t figure out how to use an American hairdryer feel free to keep moving your hand under the automatic hand dryer located near the exit door in the bathroom at different angles to keep it blowing.
Coffee con leche (or half coffee and half warm milk) is a God sent blessing everywhere.
I can’t sleep on planes.
Once a boy of any age finds out you are afraid of bugs they will continue to find ways to put them on or around you.
You can drink from fountains, they are not just a decoration.
Jet lag is a real thing.
Mountain hiking in the dark is amazing, especially when you get to watch the sunrise.
God is sufficient.
If you eat a hamburger in Spain it is primarily pork.
The body of Christ is everywhere.
God, doesn’t waste anyones time
Thank you all so much because without you I would not have been able to serve. You have blessed people who were aching and hurting and needing blessing and encouragement. I would also like to thank you for your patience with my letter as I try to give you a brief picture of what the ten days looked like for me. If you have any questions I would be happy to answer them so feel free to contact me at any point. I will be enclosing some photos but for the safety of the children and their parents am unable to send anything with them in it.
Because of Christ,
Heather Testa
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Cafe Con Leche
There is too much to say simply. I sit here in Pj's as is the frequent practice when in front of this glowing square screen. I am forced to be focused on it for the backing up of computers is a lengthy process I do not maintain the focus span for. "In the Secret," plays in the background and I am reminded of the first night I ever heard it. I was sitting inside a coffee job I had recently discovered and a rather attractive gentleman stepped up to the mike. I listened as he sang the words of this song and sat stunned and amazed. I could neither fathom or believe that a man was able to sing a song as such to a deity. Now, I completely understand and have love that song every since showing us the ache in love we have for God.
I returned from Spain last Monday night nearing 10 PM. The flights were long and yet there is something to be said about the company involved. I made a great travel friend who I had known for months yet never spoken to (as far as I have never chosen to have a conversation with this extreme extrovert )until the day his parents drove us to the airport for departure. He was so great to travel with and my opposite in many ways. There is much to process from the trip with the greatest lessons to still be learned. God is great and to Him be praised in all ways and at all times. The trip was extremely humbling and a learning opportunity that I needed like all the others.
I wish I had been more myself or the trip had been easier but that would have defeated the purpose entirely. The jet lag was worse then I had expected yet again not something I would have traded. I needed the situation to be a bit of a challenge to learn the things I did. It takes me 3 to four days to recover completely from jet lag and we arrived that Sunday night without having any time to process or switch on the schedule. The travel there was Phx to Min, Min to Amsterdam, Amsterdam to Madrid, Madrid to Malaga and finally after 27 hours of travel and lay overs we had arrived. The trip was exhausting especially when I slept a total of 30 minutes in about 35 hours.
And now I sit and process. There is much to think about. The weakness of me and the selfishness that arises too quickly in my heart astounds me. When things are easy it is not as difficult to be selfless. When times are difficult it is only agitated and stirred up within me. There is time to thing and write and pray I must. I fall so short and allow weakness to creep into every corner. I choose to fall. God allows us an grants us the strength not to but we do any way. I do.
Tonight, I prepare to begin training tomorrow for the PF Chang's marathon. Wondering if I can complete an entire one if I begin training now. I am desperate to learn more discipline and I learn that in physical training. Watching eating and getting on a schedule, working with a budget, working on yet another degree change (two days ago) and all the things life offers along the way. And my new favorite tradition...cafe con leche (more explanation to come on that later)!
I returned from Spain last Monday night nearing 10 PM. The flights were long and yet there is something to be said about the company involved. I made a great travel friend who I had known for months yet never spoken to (as far as I have never chosen to have a conversation with this extreme extrovert )until the day his parents drove us to the airport for departure. He was so great to travel with and my opposite in many ways. There is much to process from the trip with the greatest lessons to still be learned. God is great and to Him be praised in all ways and at all times. The trip was extremely humbling and a learning opportunity that I needed like all the others.
I wish I had been more myself or the trip had been easier but that would have defeated the purpose entirely. The jet lag was worse then I had expected yet again not something I would have traded. I needed the situation to be a bit of a challenge to learn the things I did. It takes me 3 to four days to recover completely from jet lag and we arrived that Sunday night without having any time to process or switch on the schedule. The travel there was Phx to Min, Min to Amsterdam, Amsterdam to Madrid, Madrid to Malaga and finally after 27 hours of travel and lay overs we had arrived. The trip was exhausting especially when I slept a total of 30 minutes in about 35 hours.
And now I sit and process. There is much to think about. The weakness of me and the selfishness that arises too quickly in my heart astounds me. When things are easy it is not as difficult to be selfless. When times are difficult it is only agitated and stirred up within me. There is time to thing and write and pray I must. I fall so short and allow weakness to creep into every corner. I choose to fall. God allows us an grants us the strength not to but we do any way. I do.
Tonight, I prepare to begin training tomorrow for the PF Chang's marathon. Wondering if I can complete an entire one if I begin training now. I am desperate to learn more discipline and I learn that in physical training. Watching eating and getting on a schedule, working with a budget, working on yet another degree change (two days ago) and all the things life offers along the way. And my new favorite tradition...cafe con leche (more explanation to come on that later)!
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Today
Anxiety creeps into my head and heart as of late and I have yet to discover it's origin. I first thought it was a relationship that was a possibility but that was an incorrect assumption. I next thought it was a relationship that was never going to be but that was not the origin either. Business I doubt as the cause because I am never not busy. I think it is a combination of things that is causing it to well up so strong within me.
As I continue to seek daily falling in love with Jesus I see so many things. There is so much darkness and temptation in this world yet God continues to love us. I was listening to a song today that reminded me of prayer and how much I need to draw to that. It is something that I will always be working on and the line of the song continues to remind me of the why behind it. The line is from a Casting Crowns song and it says;
If My people called by My name
If they'll humble themselves and pray
If My people called by My name
If they'll humble themselves and pray
It does take humility to pray and I feel like that is so often why I don't. I got this right? Always wrong... Or I just know He has it. I trust that yet it takes humility to ask. He wants that! The attitude that proves my humility and my recognition that I need Him with everything that is inside of me.
I have been learning a plethora of stuff lately and know more then ever how I can't get through one moment without knowing He is there.
Ministry continues to be my heart and it has been for so long. I keep pursuing things that try to take me and steal me from that. I can't do it. The building anxiety in my heart is a deep warning because I am trying to do it again. I keep trying to do business and school and every single time it turns out wrong. It takes me away and steals from me the one thing that gives me so much joy. I don't understand what I am supposed to do with it but I am trying to figure it all out.
I was talking with a friend the other night and she asked about guy stuff. I remember telling her how nice it is to be in a calm place with that issue. I am not entirely sure what God has there but I have in my sanity made up my mind on a few things. I know how much I love God and how much I love to share and do ministry. Just about every guy that has crept into my heart has robbed that part of my life from me. So, if the only thing I learn is this I know and have said for years that if a guy wants in my life we need to be running the same direction. I will not give up ministry or sharing opportunities for him because there is not a him that I want more. I can judge if a relationship is healthy for me based off that barometer to some extent. If my ministry and passion for the gospel is slowly fading then he is not right. I want someone that ignites that and who I do the same for. That is my biggest fear right now. Getting in a relationship that will hinder my ministry.
God has blessed some amazing opportunities with very specific women in my life. I wish I could pour out all the details here. He has also continued to bless me with a very special mentor and friends. For these I am so grateful. One of these is a guy friend who I see as nothing outside of a brother. He has been so detrimental the last few weeks as he is so good at hearing what I say. He has been very helpful in helping me in moments to try and drown out my heart to listen sometimes to what my head says. This is one of the most difficult things in the world for me as my heart has a much stronger pull on everything in my world. Sometimes...it should not and he has been so great at telling me especially with guys to listen to my head because my heart will follow. That is key at least for now.
Now, I am off to spend some much needed time with God. It is so easy to fall and I try to be on guard but still fall. I hate that. But God is gracious and He allows me to fall because then I also get to choose in moments to lean on His strength and to choose Him. I know He is the best thing...at all times. May I cling tightly to that and may I always delight in Him.
As I continue to seek daily falling in love with Jesus I see so many things. There is so much darkness and temptation in this world yet God continues to love us. I was listening to a song today that reminded me of prayer and how much I need to draw to that. It is something that I will always be working on and the line of the song continues to remind me of the why behind it. The line is from a Casting Crowns song and it says;
If My people called by My name
If they'll humble themselves and pray
If My people called by My name
If they'll humble themselves and pray
It does take humility to pray and I feel like that is so often why I don't. I got this right? Always wrong... Or I just know He has it. I trust that yet it takes humility to ask. He wants that! The attitude that proves my humility and my recognition that I need Him with everything that is inside of me.
I have been learning a plethora of stuff lately and know more then ever how I can't get through one moment without knowing He is there.
Ministry continues to be my heart and it has been for so long. I keep pursuing things that try to take me and steal me from that. I can't do it. The building anxiety in my heart is a deep warning because I am trying to do it again. I keep trying to do business and school and every single time it turns out wrong. It takes me away and steals from me the one thing that gives me so much joy. I don't understand what I am supposed to do with it but I am trying to figure it all out.
I was talking with a friend the other night and she asked about guy stuff. I remember telling her how nice it is to be in a calm place with that issue. I am not entirely sure what God has there but I have in my sanity made up my mind on a few things. I know how much I love God and how much I love to share and do ministry. Just about every guy that has crept into my heart has robbed that part of my life from me. So, if the only thing I learn is this I know and have said for years that if a guy wants in my life we need to be running the same direction. I will not give up ministry or sharing opportunities for him because there is not a him that I want more. I can judge if a relationship is healthy for me based off that barometer to some extent. If my ministry and passion for the gospel is slowly fading then he is not right. I want someone that ignites that and who I do the same for. That is my biggest fear right now. Getting in a relationship that will hinder my ministry.
God has blessed some amazing opportunities with very specific women in my life. I wish I could pour out all the details here. He has also continued to bless me with a very special mentor and friends. For these I am so grateful. One of these is a guy friend who I see as nothing outside of a brother. He has been so detrimental the last few weeks as he is so good at hearing what I say. He has been very helpful in helping me in moments to try and drown out my heart to listen sometimes to what my head says. This is one of the most difficult things in the world for me as my heart has a much stronger pull on everything in my world. Sometimes...it should not and he has been so great at telling me especially with guys to listen to my head because my heart will follow. That is key at least for now.
Now, I am off to spend some much needed time with God. It is so easy to fall and I try to be on guard but still fall. I hate that. But God is gracious and He allows me to fall because then I also get to choose in moments to lean on His strength and to choose Him. I know He is the best thing...at all times. May I cling tightly to that and may I always delight in Him.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Simplicity
Tuesday morning and the first day off in a week. I see so much beauty in the world around me. Sometimes it is breathtaking and in the simplest moments I find You. The Creator displays glimpses in the absolute simplicity of life. The world we live in is so full if we will only see it. I cannot help but hold my breath and be overwhelmed by it when I take it in.
I love simplicity. I find joy in beauty in things like coffee or this mornings dirty chai. The sun that shines and moves about the Earth is a constant mood change. Laying in the grass I feel brief burst of wind and in the distance I hear birds that sing to each other. The warmth of the day crawls and hugs my skin as the dampness of the earth soaks into my clothes. If you look one way you see a tree that holds life and whos strength continues to stand as it grows upward towards the heavens. A song comes on in the distance that gives me tingles as the hands slide carefully across the guitar strings. I have goosebumps and my heart stirrs.
I am thinking about days in Seattle one of the worlds perfect places. Latte art and cool weather, the flowers in the market place and fresh fish though I don't care for the taste myself. The way I feel loved or do not rushes into my mind. Sitting in pajamas, messy and curley hair curving about my face and a movie in the background.
Not many people find joy in life or the simplicity of it. Joy for me comes in moments and memories and little things. I like calm and quiet moments. Moments of passion and longing and just enjoyment of the things and people I love. I like to share life. Some of these are guy moments too that I can't help but remember and linger through. Though I have never called one my own I get closer to see what I love about them. I love the simple.
Laying about and chatting. Watching the moon or just being. I love reading into each and every thing and finding meaning that is deeper. The way they affect my heart becomes a physical depth. Feeling lost in someones presence. The scent and warmth of their body though I will not partake. I like the way they have looked at me. I miss more then anything the laughter and childlike playful moments. The one who will do life with me and the one who I can be at rest with. I miss the easiness of the moments but will wait until it is right. I will wait for the one who I will mean something for. I want to be beautiful with someone.
It is not an outward thing though I do love the physical attraction of knowing a man is stronger. There is something so overwhelming and so beautiful about the guys physical presence. Knowing he could overpower you but that he holds you gently. Feeling so treasured and that he does find captivation in you.
Memories. They are precious. They are steps and learning and heartache and feeling stirrers. I would not change it though sometimes I long for that. I will continue forward for Your glory. I see the things Paul gives up in the bible for You. I am not that type as I am made for a partership. I love the emotions and am drawn more to David. I am passionatly drawn to the way he feels. I feel. I know You and thank You for every detail. May I continue to fall into You and become more and more me. Beautiful Lord...Your everything.
I love simplicity. I find joy in beauty in things like coffee or this mornings dirty chai. The sun that shines and moves about the Earth is a constant mood change. Laying in the grass I feel brief burst of wind and in the distance I hear birds that sing to each other. The warmth of the day crawls and hugs my skin as the dampness of the earth soaks into my clothes. If you look one way you see a tree that holds life and whos strength continues to stand as it grows upward towards the heavens. A song comes on in the distance that gives me tingles as the hands slide carefully across the guitar strings. I have goosebumps and my heart stirrs.
I am thinking about days in Seattle one of the worlds perfect places. Latte art and cool weather, the flowers in the market place and fresh fish though I don't care for the taste myself. The way I feel loved or do not rushes into my mind. Sitting in pajamas, messy and curley hair curving about my face and a movie in the background.
Not many people find joy in life or the simplicity of it. Joy for me comes in moments and memories and little things. I like calm and quiet moments. Moments of passion and longing and just enjoyment of the things and people I love. I like to share life. Some of these are guy moments too that I can't help but remember and linger through. Though I have never called one my own I get closer to see what I love about them. I love the simple.
Laying about and chatting. Watching the moon or just being. I love reading into each and every thing and finding meaning that is deeper. The way they affect my heart becomes a physical depth. Feeling lost in someones presence. The scent and warmth of their body though I will not partake. I like the way they have looked at me. I miss more then anything the laughter and childlike playful moments. The one who will do life with me and the one who I can be at rest with. I miss the easiness of the moments but will wait until it is right. I will wait for the one who I will mean something for. I want to be beautiful with someone.
It is not an outward thing though I do love the physical attraction of knowing a man is stronger. There is something so overwhelming and so beautiful about the guys physical presence. Knowing he could overpower you but that he holds you gently. Feeling so treasured and that he does find captivation in you.
Memories. They are precious. They are steps and learning and heartache and feeling stirrers. I would not change it though sometimes I long for that. I will continue forward for Your glory. I see the things Paul gives up in the bible for You. I am not that type as I am made for a partership. I love the emotions and am drawn more to David. I am passionatly drawn to the way he feels. I feel. I know You and thank You for every detail. May I continue to fall into You and become more and more me. Beautiful Lord...Your everything.
Monday, May 17, 2010
More
A bubble bath filled to the brim and a bottle of water off to the side. My eyes are tired yet I want so badly to speak. It is nearing bed for me since in weakness I finally crumble to the floor and settle down before bed. I look forward to the comfort I feel there or at least the attempted feeling. Everywhere I am I look to safety and comfort or a place to just rest.
Rest is a more then physical and begins for me in the mind. I have begun to understand, to be weak, to breakdown but in a beautiful way. I do lay in bed and long to feel the presence of someone near. That tends to be just how I am and so I create the illusion every night by sleeping against a border of pillows and a heavy blanket. It is only an illusion but it feels safer. I cling there, to the safety. So, now before I crawl up the stairs to say goodnight and hit the off day switch, I am contemplating God.
I had such a wonderful time this week having opportunities and discussion where I was able to share. There are few things that stir my heart more or in the same way and I get completely caught up in Him. I was sitting amidst the bubbles this evening and pondering life. I have had such an opportunity to grow this year and things have been ripped from my life in a crushing way. As the layers peel back I begin to see things just as they should be. My heart, my mind, my life is affected and I pray in a way that cannot be taken back.
As things get ripped and torn the bleeding begins and sometimes that is the first time you begin to see. There are some things I finally get and I pray that my life would be a perfect reflection of what You are. As the stress and pain of the day faded slowly away my mind was reminded to pray. Life, is exactly where You want it and where you have it. The clay is not to tell the potter what he is doing wrong (as sometimes I have the audacity to think this way). We can be thankful for what He is doing because it is right.
Single I may remain and though the world focuses on that I know it is more then O.K. More then anything are You and nothing should ever be a replacement for You because it will simply crumble under the stress of that weight. You really are what matters and what everything else centers around. Drawn in and closer I desire Your presence more then anything. May nothing come between because it does not matter. When I am weak, forgive my uncaptivated passion.
Tonight has been a compilation of a composers work coming to a beautiful climax. In life we think those moments and milestones are all based on us but what if they are entirely based on Him. How much I have fallen and may I continue because it is the place I find You that satisfies. It is of course like a song I have found and it came at a perfect turning point in my life. The moment when it hit me that I fill up with so many other things. No wonder my heart was always searching and always longing. I saw if only for a brief second how little it all mattered. And...I am more then O.K. with that. I know what falling in love feels like.
When your in love you pursue, you contemplate, you breathe someone in and cannot wait to be near them. You read every word they write, replay every memory, think on them all the time as the consumption takes over. Your heart stirrs and passions meet head and body. There is aching and longing and desire that is only heated up by sensing that person near. There are the ways you memorize and study them. You want to love them and you want to please them. To know them inside in out and to touch and talk with them. When your in love... And...loving God is the same. He should be the most important and passionate love in our lives. I get it.
So, if I am single or not, as life goes on through trouble and heartache, through every up and down...it is all for one and about the love of One. And He...is perfect and can take it. He wants us more then anyone could every desire us. And...His love is perfect. He can and will talk all of us..
I love when I find a song that is right where I am at....and I could not say it better.
"More Like Falling"
Give me rules
I will break them
Give me lines
I will cross them
I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet
It ought to be
More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It’s like I’m falling, oh
It’s like I’m falling in love
Give me words
I’ll misuse them
Obligations
I’ll misplace them
‘Cause all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free
It’s gotta be
CHORUS
…It’s like I’m falling in love, love, love
Deeper and deeper
It was love that made
Me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me
Rest is a more then physical and begins for me in the mind. I have begun to understand, to be weak, to breakdown but in a beautiful way. I do lay in bed and long to feel the presence of someone near. That tends to be just how I am and so I create the illusion every night by sleeping against a border of pillows and a heavy blanket. It is only an illusion but it feels safer. I cling there, to the safety. So, now before I crawl up the stairs to say goodnight and hit the off day switch, I am contemplating God.
I had such a wonderful time this week having opportunities and discussion where I was able to share. There are few things that stir my heart more or in the same way and I get completely caught up in Him. I was sitting amidst the bubbles this evening and pondering life. I have had such an opportunity to grow this year and things have been ripped from my life in a crushing way. As the layers peel back I begin to see things just as they should be. My heart, my mind, my life is affected and I pray in a way that cannot be taken back.
As things get ripped and torn the bleeding begins and sometimes that is the first time you begin to see. There are some things I finally get and I pray that my life would be a perfect reflection of what You are. As the stress and pain of the day faded slowly away my mind was reminded to pray. Life, is exactly where You want it and where you have it. The clay is not to tell the potter what he is doing wrong (as sometimes I have the audacity to think this way). We can be thankful for what He is doing because it is right.
Single I may remain and though the world focuses on that I know it is more then O.K. More then anything are You and nothing should ever be a replacement for You because it will simply crumble under the stress of that weight. You really are what matters and what everything else centers around. Drawn in and closer I desire Your presence more then anything. May nothing come between because it does not matter. When I am weak, forgive my uncaptivated passion.
Tonight has been a compilation of a composers work coming to a beautiful climax. In life we think those moments and milestones are all based on us but what if they are entirely based on Him. How much I have fallen and may I continue because it is the place I find You that satisfies. It is of course like a song I have found and it came at a perfect turning point in my life. The moment when it hit me that I fill up with so many other things. No wonder my heart was always searching and always longing. I saw if only for a brief second how little it all mattered. And...I am more then O.K. with that. I know what falling in love feels like.
When your in love you pursue, you contemplate, you breathe someone in and cannot wait to be near them. You read every word they write, replay every memory, think on them all the time as the consumption takes over. Your heart stirrs and passions meet head and body. There is aching and longing and desire that is only heated up by sensing that person near. There are the ways you memorize and study them. You want to love them and you want to please them. To know them inside in out and to touch and talk with them. When your in love... And...loving God is the same. He should be the most important and passionate love in our lives. I get it.
So, if I am single or not, as life goes on through trouble and heartache, through every up and down...it is all for one and about the love of One. And He...is perfect and can take it. He wants us more then anyone could every desire us. And...His love is perfect. He can and will talk all of us..
I love when I find a song that is right where I am at....and I could not say it better.
"More Like Falling"
Give me rules
I will break them
Give me lines
I will cross them
I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet
It ought to be
More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It’s like I’m falling, oh
It’s like I’m falling in love
Give me words
I’ll misuse them
Obligations
I’ll misplace them
‘Cause all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free
It’s gotta be
CHORUS
…It’s like I’m falling in love, love, love
Deeper and deeper
It was love that made
Me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Feelings
It is a wonder I post anything with this title as it is always a touchy subject. I do much better with my thoughts then feelings and don't know how to respond to the things. I know songs that re-create feelings or word they say that cause me to feel. I have for so many years refused to feel and in doing so have blocked a chunk of life and people out. It turns out I am actually prone to feel a lot when I allow myself to do so yet I am still unclear how to respond.
I am an extrovert incase you were unaware. I am also very introspective. Somehow I have not one problem extracting what I think and verbalizing it to anyone. How I feel...an entirely different issue. I often let guys know what I think. That...is simple I guess. I mostly try not to feel anything with them. Then, I can keep it all uncomplicated and easy. It turns out my heart crushes way too easily and too deeply. Sometimes it overflows into words that make little sense as the wave of emotion directs them. I can hate someone. That is a feeling for sure. I can love someone. That is reserved mostly for family though sometimes I guy gets into my heart and head. That...is when I am in trouble because once the wall is gone I am not sure how to get them back out.
I do not really let guys in. Every once in awhile my gaurd will be down and then I do start to feel. This almost never happens as it is so much easier for me to act cold. I don't know how to deal when someone gets in...or if they then decide to get out. I reserve my speach for the occational outbursts which are usually caused from fear or hurt or misunderstanding. And somehow in all this mess my heart gets stirred. I don't know the how or why but when I can connect with a feeler who is also a thinker I get more wrapped up.
I was interested in the affect this has on me and looked back into the past of men. There have been roughly 2 that I can remember that somehow I connect with in this manner. It has a much stronger pull on me and is much more difficult for me to know what to do with. I hate it and like it equally. Hate the connection that I love because it is something I fear I will not have. Hate letting those go...it is like a continually punch to my heart.
I have no choice. It is not up to me. It either is part of God's story or it is not. He does not tell me though I really need to ask more. I am afraid of it. I like acting cold toward men. Very few are really allowed into my world. It hurts too much and too bad. So, as for now I give up on it all and fill my world with my Maker. He is the one who should be the focus. How could I ever think someone else can fill that? Yet, there is still that longing...sometimes it is an ache no matter how much God fills.
I pray for the desire to leave. I hate it. It never works out. I hate that more. It makes me colder and colder. Yet, in that I am learning how to fall in love with God. It is intentional. It is not that much different then when I am consumed with a person. When you love something you pursue it. The attention and affections, the things that light that person up and make them tick. There is so much excitement in getting to know someone...all the little things about them that make them....well...them.
As a woman there is so much more to that. You want a guy who cares. A guy who is captivated by you but even more one that lets you know. There is so much....being told or treated like we are too much and not enough at the same time. I should not have to appologize for being female. There should be men who long to take the time, to try and understand and learn us. I am reading through a book that seems to be very accurate in some of the feelings and ways we feel and are treated. I feel like guys are just too lazy. And...what woman wants that? A guy who does not want you enough to care, to be with you, to work for you. Whatever....
And in all this I actually am in a really good spot in life. I sometimes just want to get things out. There are multiple projects and changes and decisions I make month by month. God, is so awesome and has been showing me how He is blessing me. He gives me open doors and opportunities and I have to continue to give all these things to Him. My hope should never be in a man...though I can't help but want to be with one. God keeps showing me so now I just hope I can't be patient and not angry with Him for allowing me to feel when I don't want to.
And...the next blog is going to be totally unrelated to men as I have 10 other things in my mind right now.
I am an extrovert incase you were unaware. I am also very introspective. Somehow I have not one problem extracting what I think and verbalizing it to anyone. How I feel...an entirely different issue. I often let guys know what I think. That...is simple I guess. I mostly try not to feel anything with them. Then, I can keep it all uncomplicated and easy. It turns out my heart crushes way too easily and too deeply. Sometimes it overflows into words that make little sense as the wave of emotion directs them. I can hate someone. That is a feeling for sure. I can love someone. That is reserved mostly for family though sometimes I guy gets into my heart and head. That...is when I am in trouble because once the wall is gone I am not sure how to get them back out.
I do not really let guys in. Every once in awhile my gaurd will be down and then I do start to feel. This almost never happens as it is so much easier for me to act cold. I don't know how to deal when someone gets in...or if they then decide to get out. I reserve my speach for the occational outbursts which are usually caused from fear or hurt or misunderstanding. And somehow in all this mess my heart gets stirred. I don't know the how or why but when I can connect with a feeler who is also a thinker I get more wrapped up.
I was interested in the affect this has on me and looked back into the past of men. There have been roughly 2 that I can remember that somehow I connect with in this manner. It has a much stronger pull on me and is much more difficult for me to know what to do with. I hate it and like it equally. Hate the connection that I love because it is something I fear I will not have. Hate letting those go...it is like a continually punch to my heart.
I have no choice. It is not up to me. It either is part of God's story or it is not. He does not tell me though I really need to ask more. I am afraid of it. I like acting cold toward men. Very few are really allowed into my world. It hurts too much and too bad. So, as for now I give up on it all and fill my world with my Maker. He is the one who should be the focus. How could I ever think someone else can fill that? Yet, there is still that longing...sometimes it is an ache no matter how much God fills.
I pray for the desire to leave. I hate it. It never works out. I hate that more. It makes me colder and colder. Yet, in that I am learning how to fall in love with God. It is intentional. It is not that much different then when I am consumed with a person. When you love something you pursue it. The attention and affections, the things that light that person up and make them tick. There is so much excitement in getting to know someone...all the little things about them that make them....well...them.
As a woman there is so much more to that. You want a guy who cares. A guy who is captivated by you but even more one that lets you know. There is so much....being told or treated like we are too much and not enough at the same time. I should not have to appologize for being female. There should be men who long to take the time, to try and understand and learn us. I am reading through a book that seems to be very accurate in some of the feelings and ways we feel and are treated. I feel like guys are just too lazy. And...what woman wants that? A guy who does not want you enough to care, to be with you, to work for you. Whatever....
And in all this I actually am in a really good spot in life. I sometimes just want to get things out. There are multiple projects and changes and decisions I make month by month. God, is so awesome and has been showing me how He is blessing me. He gives me open doors and opportunities and I have to continue to give all these things to Him. My hope should never be in a man...though I can't help but want to be with one. God keeps showing me so now I just hope I can't be patient and not angry with Him for allowing me to feel when I don't want to.
And...the next blog is going to be totally unrelated to men as I have 10 other things in my mind right now.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Temptation
I am slightly embarrassed and thankful at the same time I actually did not post a couple times but saved the notes to a draft. I was unaware until this evening I had not succeeded in making my blog unavailable for public view. I wish I did not wear my heart on my sleeve but have not a clue how to avoid this issue and my reality is that which I feel. I am sitting here with a continued disconnect between my head and my heart. I am lost in situations that make no sense. I want to understand but I can't understand alone.
This week has been interesting to say the least. I wonder what I am supposed to do when there are temptations lurking around every corner. Where Father is Your strength and though nothing makes sense I have to fall onto Your Word and trust it completely. Temptations are so easy to take and if I rely on my strength I will fall. I have given up and so I want to dive in head first now. I do not trust myself because this seems just too easy and too perfect. I know not Your plan and I don't to. This is where I have to continually preach the gospel to myself.
I miss the days my blogs were not about men. I miss when my longing and curiosity were about life in general. I still live in the wonderment of You and the things in this world. I need Your wisdom. Where are the boundaries. I am tired of feeling. I can't hold on. Sometimes I can't breathe. Life in itself seems so great. If only feelings would subside. Sometimes they are too intense for me to handle or to know what to do. And...I don't get to choose. I get to either be obedient to You and wait for the right guy. Or, go down a road You tell me not to with an unbeliever. God, I need Your strength.
Interesting enough we are going through Job in my lifegroup. We see how Satan is allowed to tempt Job. I also know this is an area of weakness for me. Christian guys never pan out, never really pursue or I don't like them. Does it always have to be one of those Father? I am tired of my heart getting continually pushed. James 1:12-15 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.
Jam 1:13 Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God," for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.
Father, I know this. Satan hits us where it is easy to fall. I remember something Mandy told me. If a guy is ready to marry he should because it protects the girl from others guys lurking...she did not use that word but had the same idea. And now, I sit in tears because I know he is the allusion of what I want. Maybe you will save him. I don't know but I can't go down that road and Father I need Your help because it is only too easy.
And...there are no believers who like me. If they do, I don't know anything about it because they do nothing about it. How is it that becomes my constant battle? It is tiring. Christian guys seem worth it. You tell me they are. Why Father do they do absolutely nothing but hurt my heart. Tonight is so, so difficult. And, no matter how much I like them they do not care. They disregard how I feel in order to pursue girls who do not like them. That makes no sense to me. And this guy...is really pursuing and it seems so perfect. Help me Father to see it for what it is. Because...I am starting to want it.
And please make sense of it all to me. Why Father is it only unbelievers who can and will tell me how much they like me. He flirts so openly with me. I have known him 6 days and day 2 he made it clear he was interested. He has things in common with me and is fun to be around. He makes it clear he wants to be with me. He contacts me almost daily. He makes no secret that he wants me. He is so sweet and gentle with me and fun and flirty...And yet...he neither knows You or loves You. Long term that can only end in sin or a bad marriage. May I know what step to take and how to go about it. I need Your wisdom. I need You so much. I need more then anything Your protection because I am so, so weak. Females are just that way. And there is something that continues to draw me to men...You have not made me to long to be alone and yet that is where this has to go. Unless, You take his heart and radically save him. However, that is not the fact of the current situation.
"....my grace is sufficient for you for my strength is made perfect in weakness..." Father....I am weakness.
This week has been interesting to say the least. I wonder what I am supposed to do when there are temptations lurking around every corner. Where Father is Your strength and though nothing makes sense I have to fall onto Your Word and trust it completely. Temptations are so easy to take and if I rely on my strength I will fall. I have given up and so I want to dive in head first now. I do not trust myself because this seems just too easy and too perfect. I know not Your plan and I don't to. This is where I have to continually preach the gospel to myself.
I miss the days my blogs were not about men. I miss when my longing and curiosity were about life in general. I still live in the wonderment of You and the things in this world. I need Your wisdom. Where are the boundaries. I am tired of feeling. I can't hold on. Sometimes I can't breathe. Life in itself seems so great. If only feelings would subside. Sometimes they are too intense for me to handle or to know what to do. And...I don't get to choose. I get to either be obedient to You and wait for the right guy. Or, go down a road You tell me not to with an unbeliever. God, I need Your strength.
Interesting enough we are going through Job in my lifegroup. We see how Satan is allowed to tempt Job. I also know this is an area of weakness for me. Christian guys never pan out, never really pursue or I don't like them. Does it always have to be one of those Father? I am tired of my heart getting continually pushed. James 1:12-15 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.
Jam 1:13 Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God," for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.
Father, I know this. Satan hits us where it is easy to fall. I remember something Mandy told me. If a guy is ready to marry he should because it protects the girl from others guys lurking...she did not use that word but had the same idea. And now, I sit in tears because I know he is the allusion of what I want. Maybe you will save him. I don't know but I can't go down that road and Father I need Your help because it is only too easy.
And...there are no believers who like me. If they do, I don't know anything about it because they do nothing about it. How is it that becomes my constant battle? It is tiring. Christian guys seem worth it. You tell me they are. Why Father do they do absolutely nothing but hurt my heart. Tonight is so, so difficult. And, no matter how much I like them they do not care. They disregard how I feel in order to pursue girls who do not like them. That makes no sense to me. And this guy...is really pursuing and it seems so perfect. Help me Father to see it for what it is. Because...I am starting to want it.
And please make sense of it all to me. Why Father is it only unbelievers who can and will tell me how much they like me. He flirts so openly with me. I have known him 6 days and day 2 he made it clear he was interested. He has things in common with me and is fun to be around. He makes it clear he wants to be with me. He contacts me almost daily. He makes no secret that he wants me. He is so sweet and gentle with me and fun and flirty...And yet...he neither knows You or loves You. Long term that can only end in sin or a bad marriage. May I know what step to take and how to go about it. I need Your wisdom. I need You so much. I need more then anything Your protection because I am so, so weak. Females are just that way. And there is something that continues to draw me to men...You have not made me to long to be alone and yet that is where this has to go. Unless, You take his heart and radically save him. However, that is not the fact of the current situation.
"....my grace is sufficient for you for my strength is made perfect in weakness..." Father....I am weakness.
Monday, April 05, 2010
Fellowship
Today's night has arrived and it is nearing the day that follows. I sit here remembering how much I love to write. I love words. I love song lyrics more then most things. Keep your poetry if I can trade it for the lyrics in songs. The way songs make me feel. It is an understanding and a way that they make me feel or describe it. Sometimes I don't feel exactly what they say but I feel through them or maybe I just get them. So, unrelated to my topic of the evening I listen to the song "Sympathy", by the Goo Goo Dolls and it sets my mood for this evenings journey through my brain.
The strawberry sitting next to me is beautiful ripened and sweet to the taste. Unfortunately some of it's enjoyment is lost by the fact I had some work done on a molar located in the back of my right jaw. As I sit and chew slowly I am suddenly aware at the coldness which sends a sharp and shooting pain through my tooth to the gum registering in my head and I shift the strawberry immediately away to the other side. I wonder if the sensitivity which has suddenly formed in my mouth will eventually subside or if I am to deal with this unexpected change for years to come. I wind down and pull another strawberry from the bag sitting here crossed legged with a pillow against my chest and a churning on my mind. I begin to think about sensitivity.
I wonder how callused I have become and if I think about my sensitivity the same way. How sensitive am I to the Spirit in my life? I know that I can overlook it and push it behind and loose it quit easily. Then, I wonder why I fail to see things. There is so much ugliness in the world about us that becomes the norm. Yet, we want the sensitivity to leave. I was thinking about that in the car ride today. I am training in Tempe this week and have quickly made a few new friends. I drove everyone to lunch today and realized how many missed opportunities I have had. There have been so many lately and I have not been sensitive at all. I see them missed and do not change them. When and where did I become so complacent in my life. I used to be the first one to share...to share about You and love You enough. There is an ache and loss of joy there that I have ceased to to what I am made and called to do. Where did I become so unspoken about my faith? I used to boldly proclaim You everywhere without fear. When did I loose that?
I realized it started with a slow disregard and ignoring of Your Spirit. It begins simply when there is pain felt and I slowly stopped noticing it. Just like that tooth that I am so aware of for the moment if I do not think consciously about it I may soon forget. Easily done unless I have a constant reminder and some pain every time I chew a frosty item there. So, when did I loose this? I think it began with a following of feeling vs. knowledge which often gets me in trouble. I love the song "Slow Fade," which says so much of how things slip in or out.
Meanwhile it was just this weekend looking at the loss of sharing and opportunities I will never get back plus my growing attitude toward church. Especially the last few weeks but I have had a sudden disregard for going to church on Sunday. I am craving more and more the word or the pursuit of God but less a desire for the service. I could not figure this out nor my disregard of care if I missed it or not.
I pondered over many aspects of this situation in my head and came to a few realizations. Church itself is commanded and so right to do. Church itself though should be a gathering for fellowship and for teaching not just going. I am unable to "do" church. I don't like rules and follow them terribly. So, the last few months the people that were really important to me have shifted in their lives. I have not made the important shift myself. Church to me has become empty. I have a difficult time now listening. I am in a room with hundreds of people I know and I feel alone. I hear perfectly practiced worship songs and fail to want to praise. It has become a show and a practice and lacks for me the relationship side. I am in need of something different.
Not a Wednesday do I miss and this is not because the teaching is perfect. God tells us it is not good for man to be alone well I agree that not one of us should. We are a relationship based creation and when we put that aspect into our lives we can see some of the holes. I realize more then ever how I need people. I know that. I know that more now because without fellowship it is just church and I don't do that well at all. I miss the relationships and the more simplistic. I am ready for a change. I want a change in scenery and in my heart as well. So, this Sunday I begin to go to Praxis once again. For that I pray and now I am excited. Excited to see God what You will do. I am ready for some leaps this year and I pray You would bless this one. There are so many reasons now for this move and I pray that it is a blessing and the right step. I wish I could say everything that I am thinking but at this moment I am already fading.
The strawberry sitting next to me is beautiful ripened and sweet to the taste. Unfortunately some of it's enjoyment is lost by the fact I had some work done on a molar located in the back of my right jaw. As I sit and chew slowly I am suddenly aware at the coldness which sends a sharp and shooting pain through my tooth to the gum registering in my head and I shift the strawberry immediately away to the other side. I wonder if the sensitivity which has suddenly formed in my mouth will eventually subside or if I am to deal with this unexpected change for years to come. I wind down and pull another strawberry from the bag sitting here crossed legged with a pillow against my chest and a churning on my mind. I begin to think about sensitivity.
I wonder how callused I have become and if I think about my sensitivity the same way. How sensitive am I to the Spirit in my life? I know that I can overlook it and push it behind and loose it quit easily. Then, I wonder why I fail to see things. There is so much ugliness in the world about us that becomes the norm. Yet, we want the sensitivity to leave. I was thinking about that in the car ride today. I am training in Tempe this week and have quickly made a few new friends. I drove everyone to lunch today and realized how many missed opportunities I have had. There have been so many lately and I have not been sensitive at all. I see them missed and do not change them. When and where did I become so complacent in my life. I used to be the first one to share...to share about You and love You enough. There is an ache and loss of joy there that I have ceased to to what I am made and called to do. Where did I become so unspoken about my faith? I used to boldly proclaim You everywhere without fear. When did I loose that?
I realized it started with a slow disregard and ignoring of Your Spirit. It begins simply when there is pain felt and I slowly stopped noticing it. Just like that tooth that I am so aware of for the moment if I do not think consciously about it I may soon forget. Easily done unless I have a constant reminder and some pain every time I chew a frosty item there. So, when did I loose this? I think it began with a following of feeling vs. knowledge which often gets me in trouble. I love the song "Slow Fade," which says so much of how things slip in or out.
Meanwhile it was just this weekend looking at the loss of sharing and opportunities I will never get back plus my growing attitude toward church. Especially the last few weeks but I have had a sudden disregard for going to church on Sunday. I am craving more and more the word or the pursuit of God but less a desire for the service. I could not figure this out nor my disregard of care if I missed it or not.
I pondered over many aspects of this situation in my head and came to a few realizations. Church itself is commanded and so right to do. Church itself though should be a gathering for fellowship and for teaching not just going. I am unable to "do" church. I don't like rules and follow them terribly. So, the last few months the people that were really important to me have shifted in their lives. I have not made the important shift myself. Church to me has become empty. I have a difficult time now listening. I am in a room with hundreds of people I know and I feel alone. I hear perfectly practiced worship songs and fail to want to praise. It has become a show and a practice and lacks for me the relationship side. I am in need of something different.
Not a Wednesday do I miss and this is not because the teaching is perfect. God tells us it is not good for man to be alone well I agree that not one of us should. We are a relationship based creation and when we put that aspect into our lives we can see some of the holes. I realize more then ever how I need people. I know that. I know that more now because without fellowship it is just church and I don't do that well at all. I miss the relationships and the more simplistic. I am ready for a change. I want a change in scenery and in my heart as well. So, this Sunday I begin to go to Praxis once again. For that I pray and now I am excited. Excited to see God what You will do. I am ready for some leaps this year and I pray You would bless this one. There are so many reasons now for this move and I pray that it is a blessing and the right step. I wish I could say everything that I am thinking but at this moment I am already fading.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Wanting
It is officially Easter. There is down time which means uptime for my thoughts to travel. Sometimes it is nice moving along life at the speed of light because then there are few moments to look back and linger on the what if's that so often filter through. I would not want a different story then the one God has but sometimes I think there is something I want that He does not give me.
Every thing has it's problems even the ones you wait so long for. It is funny now because the things drowning through my heart and head are so different. There is so much of life yet to live and so much learning to do. I finally let go. I don't have a choice. I hated it. It does not feel right. It felt like a perfect fit to me but apparently it was one sided. The thing did not fit me back the way I felt it did. So, now what? No more holding back. No more waiting it out. I wish the feelings would subside but they don't.
Next chapter. There is much for me to do. I am making a move in a church. I am seeking my Father. I am afraid sometimes. I don't know what I am supposed to do with the guys in my life. You get closer everyday yet I do not understand it. I had already decided you were not a fit. I can't say I don't like you being around though. It helps to heal the hurt. The fit is different. I don't beg for it though right now I cling to it.
Then my mind wanders. God, I am working on just finding You more. What do You want of this? Did I speak so filipantly? Did I ask You to give me something that Your allowing because of my impatience? Is it wrong? Every day moves me a step closer but to what? Then I worry... I am not convinced of this being the best thing. I move closer anyways. I guess maybe it is just part of the letting go. I like risks. I am scared to go down a road and give up the things I have saved so long for someone. I am not ready to give any of that away. Maybe we will not go down that road. I don't know. I don't know what is in his mind. I know what others around us think. However...I am not convinced.
I see you learning me. I see you paying attention and making great leaps. Why? Or maybe God I should ask if my heart is supposed to be engaged in this. This is much more difficult. I don't know. I am just going to continue to wait and make the decisions as I have to. I waited so long for something else and all for naught.
There is so much beauty in You yet somedays I feel far from You. I know you not remotely as I should. I am taking the steps and will see what You have. May my belief be in Your plan even when I have to let go and even when I don't have a clue why. I do beg though that You would continue to give me wisdom in each step of the way. I don't want the worldly wisdom and the one that makes sense to them. I want You.
Thank You precious Father. Thank You for the turning point You have me at again. I do this for You Father because I love You. I love you most and I need You more. I am so far from Your glory....sometimes I am too far from You. May I not ignore You. May I not bask in the feelings of the moment but be wise in all I do.
Every thing has it's problems even the ones you wait so long for. It is funny now because the things drowning through my heart and head are so different. There is so much of life yet to live and so much learning to do. I finally let go. I don't have a choice. I hated it. It does not feel right. It felt like a perfect fit to me but apparently it was one sided. The thing did not fit me back the way I felt it did. So, now what? No more holding back. No more waiting it out. I wish the feelings would subside but they don't.
Next chapter. There is much for me to do. I am making a move in a church. I am seeking my Father. I am afraid sometimes. I don't know what I am supposed to do with the guys in my life. You get closer everyday yet I do not understand it. I had already decided you were not a fit. I can't say I don't like you being around though. It helps to heal the hurt. The fit is different. I don't beg for it though right now I cling to it.
Then my mind wanders. God, I am working on just finding You more. What do You want of this? Did I speak so filipantly? Did I ask You to give me something that Your allowing because of my impatience? Is it wrong? Every day moves me a step closer but to what? Then I worry... I am not convinced of this being the best thing. I move closer anyways. I guess maybe it is just part of the letting go. I like risks. I am scared to go down a road and give up the things I have saved so long for someone. I am not ready to give any of that away. Maybe we will not go down that road. I don't know. I don't know what is in his mind. I know what others around us think. However...I am not convinced.
I see you learning me. I see you paying attention and making great leaps. Why? Or maybe God I should ask if my heart is supposed to be engaged in this. This is much more difficult. I don't know. I am just going to continue to wait and make the decisions as I have to. I waited so long for something else and all for naught.
There is so much beauty in You yet somedays I feel far from You. I know you not remotely as I should. I am taking the steps and will see what You have. May my belief be in Your plan even when I have to let go and even when I don't have a clue why. I do beg though that You would continue to give me wisdom in each step of the way. I don't want the worldly wisdom and the one that makes sense to them. I want You.
Thank You precious Father. Thank You for the turning point You have me at again. I do this for You Father because I love You. I love you most and I need You more. I am so far from Your glory....sometimes I am too far from You. May I not ignore You. May I not bask in the feelings of the moment but be wise in all I do.
Saturday, March 06, 2010
Fairytale
Ruminants of mascara under my eyes creating a soft outline. Movies both watched and returned. Drive in the dark. Window down, music loud and first ponytail of the week other then the gym. Jeans that are a size too big. Stripped hoodie. Lots of ideas and thoughts circling my head. Tonight's feelings take over when I am trying to make my heart obey my head. Maybe it is just that week of the month where my emotions dominate more then usual. Or...maybe not. Mixture of sin. Changes.
Replaying conversations and memories in my head. Things I wanted and those I did not. Moments of embarrassment. Moments of fun. Moments of pain. Things I never wanted to let go of but did not and do not have a choice. Guys. Thinking there is no longer a reason to wait for anyone. Wonders why the compliments from guys at work mean nothing though sometimes it is nice to know someone cares. Hates when my thoughts wander and I begin to enjoy the attention. Wonders about my Opthamologist as he may be a Christian with some of the things he said. Wonders why he can tell me as a Dr. how beautiful my eyes are. Wonders why I can't just be best friends with a guy and marry or date one of them. Wonders why I act cold and standoffish with men.
Thinking about girl movies. They seem to be unhealthy. They seem to create very unreal expectations of love and stir up emotions that should not be yet. Maybe I need a girl movie sabbatical. More gym time sounds good. Why is it the only guy devoted to me seems to be the one I will not date? I can get text and phone calls and he is coming to San Diego to see me run the marathon. He...is my brother. Wonders why no matter how much I like a guy it never seems to work out. I feel like I need to give them less grace and wait less on them. If they don't want me...move on. My life goes way too fast and yet some things are so slow.
I keep thinking about all the unrealistic expectations I build up in my head for guys to live up to. I don't like the expectations they put on me but these girl songs and movies don't help one bit. I want a guy to.... the list goes on. How do I know? When I run, I want someone to love me enough to go after me. They don't. I feel like all girls want that. We want the hero and the guy who will fight for us and come after us when we leave. Maybe that only exists in movies. I don't know. I hate that I can be so wrong and completely not understand. I try.
I am told things should be easy. What does that mean? What if you find someone you love being with and who you have never found anyone else like? What if sometimes it is easy and other times it stinks? I am told if it does not happen fast or he does not chase me then move on. Told he should initiate everything. Told there is someone better...always....It is not easy to find someone you WANT to be your best friend. Some guys seem so perfect on paper. I don't like them. Other guys not so perfect on paper but...I don't care. I am not perfect on paper and I don't want to be. It is not paper I want. Tonight, I just want to give up on it all. I am tired of it.
It is so hard to feel like everything I am waiting for is worth it. I don't want to build it up in my head or sin but I do both. I want to know there is someone worth waiting for...however I cannot stand still and wait around for something that may never be. There are so many things I want to say. I don't want to do life alone but I am not sure I have a choice. Is just weak right now. Feeling a little sad right now but trying to trust God. It is going to be difficult in a relationship or out because either way there are trials and hardship.
I need to stop looking for a balance in a guy. I know I need Christ for that. If I think I need a guy to balance me...it will never be right. I don't know what I really want but I have ideas. I don't know what I should do. Life is not a fairytale. I asked a friend the other day about how guys think. I was more or less telling him what I did not understand. There is so little. It is crazy how different our minds work. The same situation from entirely different views. I don't understand. It hurts sometimes. It hurts even more when some guys can just walk out of your life and it appears like they never even cared about you at all. It really hurts when guys don't care enough to keep you in their life. When they don't put in any effort then it proves how little you mean...or that is what it feels like. Then you wonder why you didn't mean anything or why your not worth holding onto. Then you sit and have to just wait. Wait to get hurt again. Yet, you go into every relationship positively even though you expect your heart to get broken. Ha ha....blasted positive outlook on life.
I guess that is still a blessing. Yet I go so fast. I fall into everything so fast. I can fall out fast too if the other side lets me go. I hate girls emotions especially one week of the month... : ) I can laugh at myself as well though. I like the simple. I like the idealized. I like the beauty in life. I love the music I have on. I like that I think like a girl. I like guys and their testosterone. Wait...not sure how that sounds. There is something very attractive about guys.
I can't help but love hugs. I love the simple. I just really like being with someone. I love the smell of guy cologne or sometimes even the deodorant they wear. The way they act protective. I love gentle protectors. I think sometimes I continue to choose danger partially because I am waiting for someone to care. Sometimes that is just my personality too. Few people exist who I will really match well. It is really hard to find. That...keeps me so disinterested in men though I like the idea. Mostly. So...now I guess I just have to hang until I catch a guys eye. I think that is how the saying goes.
I really like being girly. It is difficult for me to want to be girly without having a guy I want to look nice for. I don't like unmerited attention. I want to look more perfect but... I like wearing makeup sometimes. I like the glitter and perfume and stiletto heals. The skirts and lip gloss and cute hair. But...I like guys who like me both ways. I don't want to ever be required to be anything other then natural. I love smells. I am so weird about scent that I won't share with other girls. I want a guy to remember only me when he smells that scent. I have specific shampoo and conditioner, sometimes a hair gloss, perfume, lotions. I need to get some sleep. I needed to get some of this off my mind. I needed to vent....to no one.
Replaying conversations and memories in my head. Things I wanted and those I did not. Moments of embarrassment. Moments of fun. Moments of pain. Things I never wanted to let go of but did not and do not have a choice. Guys. Thinking there is no longer a reason to wait for anyone. Wonders why the compliments from guys at work mean nothing though sometimes it is nice to know someone cares. Hates when my thoughts wander and I begin to enjoy the attention. Wonders about my Opthamologist as he may be a Christian with some of the things he said. Wonders why he can tell me as a Dr. how beautiful my eyes are. Wonders why I can't just be best friends with a guy and marry or date one of them. Wonders why I act cold and standoffish with men.
Thinking about girl movies. They seem to be unhealthy. They seem to create very unreal expectations of love and stir up emotions that should not be yet. Maybe I need a girl movie sabbatical. More gym time sounds good. Why is it the only guy devoted to me seems to be the one I will not date? I can get text and phone calls and he is coming to San Diego to see me run the marathon. He...is my brother. Wonders why no matter how much I like a guy it never seems to work out. I feel like I need to give them less grace and wait less on them. If they don't want me...move on. My life goes way too fast and yet some things are so slow.
I keep thinking about all the unrealistic expectations I build up in my head for guys to live up to. I don't like the expectations they put on me but these girl songs and movies don't help one bit. I want a guy to.... the list goes on. How do I know? When I run, I want someone to love me enough to go after me. They don't. I feel like all girls want that. We want the hero and the guy who will fight for us and come after us when we leave. Maybe that only exists in movies. I don't know. I hate that I can be so wrong and completely not understand. I try.
I am told things should be easy. What does that mean? What if you find someone you love being with and who you have never found anyone else like? What if sometimes it is easy and other times it stinks? I am told if it does not happen fast or he does not chase me then move on. Told he should initiate everything. Told there is someone better...always....It is not easy to find someone you WANT to be your best friend. Some guys seem so perfect on paper. I don't like them. Other guys not so perfect on paper but...I don't care. I am not perfect on paper and I don't want to be. It is not paper I want. Tonight, I just want to give up on it all. I am tired of it.
It is so hard to feel like everything I am waiting for is worth it. I don't want to build it up in my head or sin but I do both. I want to know there is someone worth waiting for...however I cannot stand still and wait around for something that may never be. There are so many things I want to say. I don't want to do life alone but I am not sure I have a choice. Is just weak right now. Feeling a little sad right now but trying to trust God. It is going to be difficult in a relationship or out because either way there are trials and hardship.
I need to stop looking for a balance in a guy. I know I need Christ for that. If I think I need a guy to balance me...it will never be right. I don't know what I really want but I have ideas. I don't know what I should do. Life is not a fairytale. I asked a friend the other day about how guys think. I was more or less telling him what I did not understand. There is so little. It is crazy how different our minds work. The same situation from entirely different views. I don't understand. It hurts sometimes. It hurts even more when some guys can just walk out of your life and it appears like they never even cared about you at all. It really hurts when guys don't care enough to keep you in their life. When they don't put in any effort then it proves how little you mean...or that is what it feels like. Then you wonder why you didn't mean anything or why your not worth holding onto. Then you sit and have to just wait. Wait to get hurt again. Yet, you go into every relationship positively even though you expect your heart to get broken. Ha ha....blasted positive outlook on life.
I guess that is still a blessing. Yet I go so fast. I fall into everything so fast. I can fall out fast too if the other side lets me go. I hate girls emotions especially one week of the month... : ) I can laugh at myself as well though. I like the simple. I like the idealized. I like the beauty in life. I love the music I have on. I like that I think like a girl. I like guys and their testosterone. Wait...not sure how that sounds. There is something very attractive about guys.
I can't help but love hugs. I love the simple. I just really like being with someone. I love the smell of guy cologne or sometimes even the deodorant they wear. The way they act protective. I love gentle protectors. I think sometimes I continue to choose danger partially because I am waiting for someone to care. Sometimes that is just my personality too. Few people exist who I will really match well. It is really hard to find. That...keeps me so disinterested in men though I like the idea. Mostly. So...now I guess I just have to hang until I catch a guys eye. I think that is how the saying goes.
I really like being girly. It is difficult for me to want to be girly without having a guy I want to look nice for. I don't like unmerited attention. I want to look more perfect but... I like wearing makeup sometimes. I like the glitter and perfume and stiletto heals. The skirts and lip gloss and cute hair. But...I like guys who like me both ways. I don't want to ever be required to be anything other then natural. I love smells. I am so weird about scent that I won't share with other girls. I want a guy to remember only me when he smells that scent. I have specific shampoo and conditioner, sometimes a hair gloss, perfume, lotions. I need to get some sleep. I needed to get some of this off my mind. I needed to vent....to no one.
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Waiting
Two nights of incredible encouragement, a day off to just be, and a new job position bring me into the first week of March. Today's activities will include spin class which I have already finished and followed with a vanilla latte from Cartel, a shopping trip to Walgreens, two Redbox movies, email checked, facebook updated, first load of laundry begun, breakfast made and now after being awake 5 hours I am onto the next chapter of accomplishments which include but are not limited to this blog, laundry, room deep cleaning, car deep cleaning and wash, shoe shopping?, bathroom toiletries organization?, watch 2012 as well as The Time Travelers Wife, create running schedule and Ipod running lists, cooking for week, and hopefully a nap and at least a five mile run. Now, you see why I had to begin the day at 4:15? And...I love it!
I was so encouraged by something we went through the other night at Seven:ten that I wanted to share it with myself. We are actually going through James right now and somehow we were reminded of a verse in Genesis. I love it when God meets you exactly where you are at and allows you to hear exactly what you need. This, was exactly that....Genesis 22:12 ....for now I know that you fear God.... The entire verse is actually "He said, "Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me." Now, there is lots of background into this situation of course and that is what makes it so true and detrimental to understand.
Abraham was Abram and his wife was Sarai who would become Sarah, and through them was promised a lineage of offspring as numerous as the stars. God, made a covenant and a promise with Abraham and initially Abraham believed. However, just like we all do at times Abraham and Sarah remembered Gods promise and believed it to be true...in a sense. They knew it, but they also took on the belief that it would only happen if they took things into their own hands. Ug. Welcome to my life. Patience, I have little even with God. It is funny because things on my time and my schedule do not have diving intelligence and plan behind them but have a temporary satisfaction to them. God however sees the entire puzzle not just bits and pieces here and there. So, the waiting is what is necessary for step one but that is not where it ends. That...is only the beginning.
Abraham and Sarah decided they would cause God's plan because obviously He must need their help. I also understand that mindset. How often do I think I need to be active in God's plan? Yes, the creator and sustainer of all things here and there and past and present and everything in between most certainly must need my help because how else will I get what I want? Yep...you got it...I am focused again on the I, and the want. Pair that with impatience and you have a big mess of a person. I don't see the bigger picture and in those moments I am focused on filling my own need with the things I think will fill it. So, Abraham and Sarah were the same and they decided that they were not having children so it was time to reproduce the line through the female servant. Sin comes into the picture here. God allows us to sin, allows us to deal with the consequences on the earthly level even though there is forgiveness. We can't change them or take them back. Nor, do we have any power or ability to thwart God's real plan. If we think we do...then we are given ourself the power again. Yes...I am absolutely and positively in this boat as well. When I think something is God's plan at times I will even sin in order to make it happen. Really? I would love to know how my mind can possibly ever justify sin especially to make God's plan happen. That is totally counter Biblical. Yet...I still do it. There are moments I will do everything I can to try and make something happen. I can convince, manipulate, push, run, and do everything in my power to make it work. Sin. Entirely and totally sin.
So, Sarah and Abraham take things into their own hands and they do in fact have a child or better stated Abraham has a child with Hagar. This child was offspring but not the promised line because he was not from Sarah and Abraham. This sin created issues that were not necessary and all because of a lack of trust, an attempt at control, and a disbelief. So, God waited until Sarah was already very old and beyond child birthing years and then He spoke to Abraham. He told Abraham that him and Sarah would have a child by that time next year. Once again, they were finally forced to learn patience, and to wait but now they had a difficult time believing this was possible. We limit our minds to what we could do or accomplish and put God's power in the same place and box as ours. Sarah in fact laughed and so when Isaac was born they gave him the name that means he laughed...what a reminder of God's power, love, promise and timing.
The story does not end there but I am getting to my point. All of this is such a perfect reminder of where God has me but even more the part that is to come. Abraham and Sarah finally have their son and the promise they have waited so long for God to fulfill. They do not know what He had in store but they know He finally gave what they had given up hope on. Then about the time Isaac was probably in his late teens or early twenties God tested Abraham. Genesis 22:2 He said, "Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you." By this time in the story we see how much Abraham has grown and the expectation God has for us. Abraham and Sarah waited what I am sure seemed like eternity for their son Isaac and now God is asking Abraham to sacrifice him.
Abraham was obedient though I am sure his faith had grown immensily by this point in his life. He prepares to take Isaac with him and follow through with God's command. He has to completely trust God at this point because God told him the line would continue and be as numerous as the stars and Isaac is to fulfill that promise. You have to wonder how he thought God would accomplish this when he is asking him to make Isaac the sacrifice. We see his character by his obedience. Isaac follows along without knowing the plan. He I am sure was wondering what his father would be offering. Then, we see Genesis 22:7-8 And Isaac said to his father Abraham, "My father!" And he said, "Here am I, my son." He said, "Behold, the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?" Abraham said, "God will provide for himself the lamb for a burnt offering, my son." So they went both of them together. Abraham is now teaching Isaac as well as you and me about God in a huge way here plus once again we see his absolute trust. It gets to the point of the sacrifice and he prepares Isaac. He is ready to follow through and right before he stabs and kills his son we see God intervene. Genesis 22:11-12 But the angel of the LORD called to him from heaven and said, "Abraham, Abraham!" And he said, "Here am I." 12He said, "Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me."
Now I know that you fear God. And what did that take? Knowing God's power, trusting His promise and giving Him the most treasured thing. It would be so difficult waiting on something so long and then be willing to give it over to God. I feel like that is exactly where I am at. That entire story. I don't know if God finally gave me that thing I so long for that I would be so willing to give it back. Perhaps that is what I am having to learn now even before He gives it. If I can't open handedly give something to God before He even gives it to me how ever will I do that once I actually have it? I cannot believe how much I needed this story and the reminder of everything in it. I am so encouraged and convicted and just very, very thankful that God has not allowed me to make too much of a mess of things when I try to take life into my own hands. I pray now I just wait patiently for Him to move. Exceedingly difficult but more worth it then it feels.
I was so encouraged by something we went through the other night at Seven:ten that I wanted to share it with myself. We are actually going through James right now and somehow we were reminded of a verse in Genesis. I love it when God meets you exactly where you are at and allows you to hear exactly what you need. This, was exactly that....Genesis 22:12 ....for now I know that you fear God.... The entire verse is actually "He said, "Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me." Now, there is lots of background into this situation of course and that is what makes it so true and detrimental to understand.
Abraham was Abram and his wife was Sarai who would become Sarah, and through them was promised a lineage of offspring as numerous as the stars. God, made a covenant and a promise with Abraham and initially Abraham believed. However, just like we all do at times Abraham and Sarah remembered Gods promise and believed it to be true...in a sense. They knew it, but they also took on the belief that it would only happen if they took things into their own hands. Ug. Welcome to my life. Patience, I have little even with God. It is funny because things on my time and my schedule do not have diving intelligence and plan behind them but have a temporary satisfaction to them. God however sees the entire puzzle not just bits and pieces here and there. So, the waiting is what is necessary for step one but that is not where it ends. That...is only the beginning.
Abraham and Sarah decided they would cause God's plan because obviously He must need their help. I also understand that mindset. How often do I think I need to be active in God's plan? Yes, the creator and sustainer of all things here and there and past and present and everything in between most certainly must need my help because how else will I get what I want? Yep...you got it...I am focused again on the I, and the want. Pair that with impatience and you have a big mess of a person. I don't see the bigger picture and in those moments I am focused on filling my own need with the things I think will fill it. So, Abraham and Sarah were the same and they decided that they were not having children so it was time to reproduce the line through the female servant. Sin comes into the picture here. God allows us to sin, allows us to deal with the consequences on the earthly level even though there is forgiveness. We can't change them or take them back. Nor, do we have any power or ability to thwart God's real plan. If we think we do...then we are given ourself the power again. Yes...I am absolutely and positively in this boat as well. When I think something is God's plan at times I will even sin in order to make it happen. Really? I would love to know how my mind can possibly ever justify sin especially to make God's plan happen. That is totally counter Biblical. Yet...I still do it. There are moments I will do everything I can to try and make something happen. I can convince, manipulate, push, run, and do everything in my power to make it work. Sin. Entirely and totally sin.
So, Sarah and Abraham take things into their own hands and they do in fact have a child or better stated Abraham has a child with Hagar. This child was offspring but not the promised line because he was not from Sarah and Abraham. This sin created issues that were not necessary and all because of a lack of trust, an attempt at control, and a disbelief. So, God waited until Sarah was already very old and beyond child birthing years and then He spoke to Abraham. He told Abraham that him and Sarah would have a child by that time next year. Once again, they were finally forced to learn patience, and to wait but now they had a difficult time believing this was possible. We limit our minds to what we could do or accomplish and put God's power in the same place and box as ours. Sarah in fact laughed and so when Isaac was born they gave him the name that means he laughed...what a reminder of God's power, love, promise and timing.
The story does not end there but I am getting to my point. All of this is such a perfect reminder of where God has me but even more the part that is to come. Abraham and Sarah finally have their son and the promise they have waited so long for God to fulfill. They do not know what He had in store but they know He finally gave what they had given up hope on. Then about the time Isaac was probably in his late teens or early twenties God tested Abraham. Genesis 22:2 He said, "Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you." By this time in the story we see how much Abraham has grown and the expectation God has for us. Abraham and Sarah waited what I am sure seemed like eternity for their son Isaac and now God is asking Abraham to sacrifice him.
Abraham was obedient though I am sure his faith had grown immensily by this point in his life. He prepares to take Isaac with him and follow through with God's command. He has to completely trust God at this point because God told him the line would continue and be as numerous as the stars and Isaac is to fulfill that promise. You have to wonder how he thought God would accomplish this when he is asking him to make Isaac the sacrifice. We see his character by his obedience. Isaac follows along without knowing the plan. He I am sure was wondering what his father would be offering. Then, we see Genesis 22:7-8 And Isaac said to his father Abraham, "My father!" And he said, "Here am I, my son." He said, "Behold, the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?" Abraham said, "God will provide for himself the lamb for a burnt offering, my son." So they went both of them together. Abraham is now teaching Isaac as well as you and me about God in a huge way here plus once again we see his absolute trust. It gets to the point of the sacrifice and he prepares Isaac. He is ready to follow through and right before he stabs and kills his son we see God intervene. Genesis 22:11-12 But the angel of the LORD called to him from heaven and said, "Abraham, Abraham!" And he said, "Here am I." 12He said, "Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me."
Now I know that you fear God. And what did that take? Knowing God's power, trusting His promise and giving Him the most treasured thing. It would be so difficult waiting on something so long and then be willing to give it over to God. I feel like that is exactly where I am at. That entire story. I don't know if God finally gave me that thing I so long for that I would be so willing to give it back. Perhaps that is what I am having to learn now even before He gives it. If I can't open handedly give something to God before He even gives it to me how ever will I do that once I actually have it? I cannot believe how much I needed this story and the reminder of everything in it. I am so encouraged and convicted and just very, very thankful that God has not allowed me to make too much of a mess of things when I try to take life into my own hands. I pray now I just wait patiently for Him to move. Exceedingly difficult but more worth it then it feels.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Beauty
This morning as the storms clouds blew swiftly by so did a smile upon my face. Arizonans...Beauty that takes my breath away. The rain began to pour down and I was reminded of our Creator. Who am I to complain? Who am I to think something He made is not a work of art? Yet still, I have my days and my moments. I am a fighter. I still have my weaknesses. Today, it is the weakness of awareness of my imperfection.
Strong I am in many ways and stubborn. A fighter comes out when I find something worth defending or something worth fighting for. Is it easy? Not always. Especially when I am fighting the majority. Personality is funny. Being a treasure in God's eyes and for His glory is exceedingly difficult at times. There is so much weakness there. Today's weaknesses lie in the outward as well as in control. It is so easy to loose control but difficult to give God control. Perhaps it is not control but self control. Being disciplined is a valuable trait and something worth the pursuit of. Sometimes I fail and I sin. This comes out in many ways and when it does I hate it. I hate the loss of control and the mistakes or sin. It is gross. Sin. And yet, obviously in those moments I love it more then I love You Father.
It is easy to fail. Especially when I rely on my strength. I am so weak. A weaker vessel not just by design but by my sex. Strength is attractive. Your strength Father. I am unsure if strength comes first without pain. Life is full of pain but through it comes change. I wish that I would rely completely on Your strength and not my own. It is weak. Strength in control. That is even more attractive. I think of men. They are more physically stronger by design. I like knowing they are stronger. I like even more when they maintain their strength gently. I do not like men who are fighters. I do like men who are protective. It is a fine line. There is something attractive about knowing a guy could overpower you, but knowing and trusting him not to. There is a lot of trust in relationships. Knowing he wants you, but refuses to loose control.
The world skews beauty. We buy into it. When I let my guard down I buy into it. Love. The world paints its version. Sex. The world paints it's picture. Beauty. The world defines it. Truth. The world kills it and makes it relative. God. The world ignores You. Worship. The world re-defines it and worships everyTHING. Money. The world lusts after it. This place changes how we feel and what we think about everything to the best of it's ability. Innocence is neither valued or attractive.
I let myself be bombarded by it all today. I fell into traps in my mind and in my heart. I am struggling to find the balance. Believers and unbelievers alike seek to be more worldly. We chase the same things, look the same way, trade one life after another for the truth. Today I fought so hard and did not win. I trusted myself. I found myself buying one lie after another but trying in my mind to fight them. I hate them. I hate when my mind buys the lies that conformity is necessary.
Romans 12:1-2
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
I am trying. I need to pursue more of this and believe it. I need it's truth and to pray through it. My body is a temple. But today, I found all it's faults. I thought about having to be "perfect." This new job situation will not help this at all as finding the balance between professional and beauty is difficult. It is such a painful struggle to have to deal with. I battle back and forth inwardly. Is my beauty really found in wearing make-up? The world seems to think so and tell me so. My boss mentions it, guys tend to give me more attention, girls tend to flatter me, and when I have it on I "know" I am beautiful. What about the figure? I see the flaws in my body. The many, many things I would change. They now offer all kinds of surgery for just about anything I don't like. I can change my eyes, my chest size, be skinner, tighter skin, remove flaws. I see where I need to tone, where I need to tan (everywhere since I have ivory skin...and in ivory skin the flaws are easier to notice). The hair. Should it always be in perfect place and straightened and perfected? The outfit. Should it be fashionable at all times?
Being a girl has it's moments but sometimes it is so difficult. Especially when the world defines beauty for us. It is really difficult to ever feel beautiful with all the standards it holds us to. I hated today for that reason. Knowing I can change it all but deep down I don't want to. I fight that all the time. I don't understand. I don't know what guys expect. Do they expect the barbie? The polished outside at all times? Makeup everyday, perfect hair, perfect outfit, perfect figure? I wish I did not feel like that was an image they expected. Sometimes I do. Why is it so "unattractive" to like to be makeup free? Or, let my hair be curly? Or why is it terrible to be a jeans and flip flops girl?
God's word does not tell me I have to be beautiful as the world defines it. The picture the bible holds of women is so different. God does not require it so why does it feel like men do? I hate that. I hate feeling like everyone is supposed to be a cookie cutter. I wish I never bought into the lie. Sometimes I do. I feel like that is what I have to do even though I dislike that the world uses those things to define beauty. It does. Maybe we all do. It hurts but I know I am capable of trying to keep up. I don't want to though so it becomes a struggle. I don't want to gain confidence from looking "perfect" all the time. I don't want to have to keep up with the standard. And...tonight I hate it because tonight I struggle with it and all the insecurities it brings.
May I tonight just believe Your truth. Tonight is very difficult and I am super struggling through that. May Your words ring true in my heart. May I remember what I do, I do for Your name and Your glory and not my own. May I not buy any lies. Forgive me for when I do. When I let them run rampant and chase them. When I trade them for You. May I not loose sight of the cross for anything or anyone or any desire...
The Outsiders
by Needtobreathe
Shortfalls of little sins
Close calls and no one wins
Stand tall but running thin
I’m wearing thin
Oh, why are we keeping score?
Cause if you’re not laughing,
Who is laughing now?
I’ve been wondering
If we stop sinking
Could we stand our ground?
And through everything we’ve learned
We’ve finally come to terms,
We are the outsiders.
Oh, we are the outsiders, oh
I’m not leaving without a fight.
I got my holster around my side.
Just ‘cause I’m wrong it don’t make you right.
No you ain’t right.
Oh, why are we keeping score?
Cause if you’re not laughing,
Who is laughing now?
I’ve been wondering if we stop sinking,
Would we stand our ground?
And through everything we’ve learned,
We’ve finally come to terms.
We are the outsiders,
Oh we are the outsiders, x7
(On the outside,
You’re free to roam
On the outside
We found it home
On the outside
There’s more to see
On the outside
We choose to be)x2
Strong I am in many ways and stubborn. A fighter comes out when I find something worth defending or something worth fighting for. Is it easy? Not always. Especially when I am fighting the majority. Personality is funny. Being a treasure in God's eyes and for His glory is exceedingly difficult at times. There is so much weakness there. Today's weaknesses lie in the outward as well as in control. It is so easy to loose control but difficult to give God control. Perhaps it is not control but self control. Being disciplined is a valuable trait and something worth the pursuit of. Sometimes I fail and I sin. This comes out in many ways and when it does I hate it. I hate the loss of control and the mistakes or sin. It is gross. Sin. And yet, obviously in those moments I love it more then I love You Father.
It is easy to fail. Especially when I rely on my strength. I am so weak. A weaker vessel not just by design but by my sex. Strength is attractive. Your strength Father. I am unsure if strength comes first without pain. Life is full of pain but through it comes change. I wish that I would rely completely on Your strength and not my own. It is weak. Strength in control. That is even more attractive. I think of men. They are more physically stronger by design. I like knowing they are stronger. I like even more when they maintain their strength gently. I do not like men who are fighters. I do like men who are protective. It is a fine line. There is something attractive about knowing a guy could overpower you, but knowing and trusting him not to. There is a lot of trust in relationships. Knowing he wants you, but refuses to loose control.
The world skews beauty. We buy into it. When I let my guard down I buy into it. Love. The world paints its version. Sex. The world paints it's picture. Beauty. The world defines it. Truth. The world kills it and makes it relative. God. The world ignores You. Worship. The world re-defines it and worships everyTHING. Money. The world lusts after it. This place changes how we feel and what we think about everything to the best of it's ability. Innocence is neither valued or attractive.
I let myself be bombarded by it all today. I fell into traps in my mind and in my heart. I am struggling to find the balance. Believers and unbelievers alike seek to be more worldly. We chase the same things, look the same way, trade one life after another for the truth. Today I fought so hard and did not win. I trusted myself. I found myself buying one lie after another but trying in my mind to fight them. I hate them. I hate when my mind buys the lies that conformity is necessary.
Romans 12:1-2
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
I am trying. I need to pursue more of this and believe it. I need it's truth and to pray through it. My body is a temple. But today, I found all it's faults. I thought about having to be "perfect." This new job situation will not help this at all as finding the balance between professional and beauty is difficult. It is such a painful struggle to have to deal with. I battle back and forth inwardly. Is my beauty really found in wearing make-up? The world seems to think so and tell me so. My boss mentions it, guys tend to give me more attention, girls tend to flatter me, and when I have it on I "know" I am beautiful. What about the figure? I see the flaws in my body. The many, many things I would change. They now offer all kinds of surgery for just about anything I don't like. I can change my eyes, my chest size, be skinner, tighter skin, remove flaws. I see where I need to tone, where I need to tan (everywhere since I have ivory skin...and in ivory skin the flaws are easier to notice). The hair. Should it always be in perfect place and straightened and perfected? The outfit. Should it be fashionable at all times?
Being a girl has it's moments but sometimes it is so difficult. Especially when the world defines beauty for us. It is really difficult to ever feel beautiful with all the standards it holds us to. I hated today for that reason. Knowing I can change it all but deep down I don't want to. I fight that all the time. I don't understand. I don't know what guys expect. Do they expect the barbie? The polished outside at all times? Makeup everyday, perfect hair, perfect outfit, perfect figure? I wish I did not feel like that was an image they expected. Sometimes I do. Why is it so "unattractive" to like to be makeup free? Or, let my hair be curly? Or why is it terrible to be a jeans and flip flops girl?
God's word does not tell me I have to be beautiful as the world defines it. The picture the bible holds of women is so different. God does not require it so why does it feel like men do? I hate that. I hate feeling like everyone is supposed to be a cookie cutter. I wish I never bought into the lie. Sometimes I do. I feel like that is what I have to do even though I dislike that the world uses those things to define beauty. It does. Maybe we all do. It hurts but I know I am capable of trying to keep up. I don't want to though so it becomes a struggle. I don't want to gain confidence from looking "perfect" all the time. I don't want to have to keep up with the standard. And...tonight I hate it because tonight I struggle with it and all the insecurities it brings.
May I tonight just believe Your truth. Tonight is very difficult and I am super struggling through that. May Your words ring true in my heart. May I remember what I do, I do for Your name and Your glory and not my own. May I not buy any lies. Forgive me for when I do. When I let them run rampant and chase them. When I trade them for You. May I not loose sight of the cross for anything or anyone or any desire...
The Outsiders
by Needtobreathe
Shortfalls of little sins
Close calls and no one wins
Stand tall but running thin
I’m wearing thin
Oh, why are we keeping score?
Cause if you’re not laughing,
Who is laughing now?
I’ve been wondering
If we stop sinking
Could we stand our ground?
And through everything we’ve learned
We’ve finally come to terms,
We are the outsiders.
Oh, we are the outsiders, oh
I’m not leaving without a fight.
I got my holster around my side.
Just ‘cause I’m wrong it don’t make you right.
No you ain’t right.
Oh, why are we keeping score?
Cause if you’re not laughing,
Who is laughing now?
I’ve been wondering if we stop sinking,
Would we stand our ground?
And through everything we’ve learned,
We’ve finally come to terms.
We are the outsiders,
Oh we are the outsiders, x7
(On the outside,
You’re free to roam
On the outside
We found it home
On the outside
There’s more to see
On the outside
We choose to be)x2
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Clean it up.
Dinner tonight at Pita Jungle. I am now sitting on the floor having a very difficult time seeing. Strange as it is my eyeballs have decided the last 4 months to have issues and it seems to be getting worse. They are getting extremely sensitive to light and are often blurry. I could chose to be angry and feel limited. I could get upset with God...I choose rather to thank You Father for the blessing of having perfect eyesight thus far. Thank You for allowing me to see the beauty and the world for what it is. You have the ability to take and I give and You give so much. However, tonight is not about eyesight. That is simply the distraction. Tonight is about purity.
I am so frustrated and so upset with a friend. I love him dearly as a brother but cannot tell you how frustrating guys can be. Especially, when they don't protect my sisters. I can't be his holy spirit. I can only love him and try and protect her and point them both to Christ. It is so difficult when I want to say so much out of anger. I am so upset that he did not protect her but tried to take what was not his to take. I hate that.
I was thinking about men. Real men. Men who love God. Who love us first. I remember a scene from a movie called "A Walk to Remember," where Landon, the main character and his new girlfriend are sitting on a bench. (at least I think it is a bench for that is not the part I focused on) The shoulder on her dress slides down off her shoulder and you see the way he protects her immediately by covering her back up with her sweater. Protective. Something about that kind of love captures my heart. I can't help but love that feeling. If a guy cannot see you as a sister first how will he ever love you? If you cannot protect each other and don't treat them as you would really treat a brother or sister then how can it ever be love. You then have lust. Why is there so much a hurried attitude of loosing one's innocence, of giving it away?
I can't stand most men. I don't trust them and as far as I am concerned they are not allowed near me or my precious sisters. A guy I trusted with her has proven himself to be untrustworthy. If a guy cannot be in control of himself then he does not love you first. He in that moment is more concerned with filling his own need and desire and is not thinking about you. In that moment there is no way he sees you as a treasure. If he cannot wait for you and protect you from himself how will you ever be able to trust him. You should be able to respect and trust a guy...it is then you are willing to give him your heart.
I don't understand the lack of brokenness over sexual sin. God tells us even thinking about someone in that way is a sin. We should be radical about it. Not even a hint...not letting it linger and fill our minds or linger too long on something visual. Don't do anything with someone you would not do in public. Keep it clean. Keep it pure. Keep it love. I understand there are struggles and mistakes. Those are slip ups and forgivable. There is a difference. There is forgiveness there...there is learning to be said for both parties. It breaks my heart when guys just take especially when the take so flippantly.
I guess I still have so much to learn about men. It is entirely my job to help protect my brothers and I learn continually how I can do my part in trying to maintain the innocence in the relationship. It is my job to do my best to protect them. That has been a difficult road for me and one I don't always understand. I am not always aware of what I am doing or what I have done that has caused someone else to go down that road. I am starting to get it...maybe a little more then before. I try so hard to be so careful. I do not want to be intentionally responsible for a brothers struggle.
I have always seen innocence differently. Sometimes I don't understand that the words I say, the things I do, the ways I act, the ways I flirt can potentially cause someone to struggle. I am learning. There is such a difference in how guys and girls view and feel and think about sex. I have to see them as brothers and will only respect the ones who can treat me as a sister. Keep it clean and be radical. Protect your ears, your eyes, your touch. Yes, I long for it but differently. Touch for girls is a connection. It means something so much more different. It is difficult to understand. If it is right, if it is love, the guy will have a connection too. And...more then anything he wants he will find the strength to do his best to protect her too. Will they stumble...it is possible. Is there forgiveness? Of course. Does he have to be perfect...of course not but it is in the moments of struggle you will see his heart and where his intention really is. Does he care for you or does he just want to take from you?
I now think I need to be even pickier then before. I need to be even more careful. I do show my love and affection with touch but do not necessarily mean it with any regards to sex. As a girl I talk about aching for touch but it is different...so very different. I can ache for the heat and the presence and touch of being close to a guy. It is not the ache necessarily for sex, but to feel protected to feel in general. It is different for us all. It is a head and heart thing which is where it starts and the more a guy is in my heart and head especially as a brother the more physically comfortable I am. And yes, we long for it...so differently. Sex may not even cross my mind in any of those instances because I do tend to think innocently. Am I perfect in that...? No, I am single and 28...and human... I tend to think purity is worth being radical for.
There are changes I see that I need to make. I am careful but am learning ways I have to be even more so. I want that. I want to be with someone who respects that. Of course I want to be with someone I want but if it can't be kept clean and innocent it will never really honor God or be for His glory...it will be for selfish reasons. And...I am unwilling to give that easily. I hate that. Hate how easily people take with little regards to how big purity is. It is worth all the wait, all the difficulty and the lack of being able to loose control. It is a great test. It is part of honoring God and keeping Your relationship pure and undefiled before Him. It is never loosing that innocence even when it is not cool. Be refined by God and not the world.
I am so frustrated and so upset with a friend. I love him dearly as a brother but cannot tell you how frustrating guys can be. Especially, when they don't protect my sisters. I can't be his holy spirit. I can only love him and try and protect her and point them both to Christ. It is so difficult when I want to say so much out of anger. I am so upset that he did not protect her but tried to take what was not his to take. I hate that.
I was thinking about men. Real men. Men who love God. Who love us first. I remember a scene from a movie called "A Walk to Remember," where Landon, the main character and his new girlfriend are sitting on a bench. (at least I think it is a bench for that is not the part I focused on) The shoulder on her dress slides down off her shoulder and you see the way he protects her immediately by covering her back up with her sweater. Protective. Something about that kind of love captures my heart. I can't help but love that feeling. If a guy cannot see you as a sister first how will he ever love you? If you cannot protect each other and don't treat them as you would really treat a brother or sister then how can it ever be love. You then have lust. Why is there so much a hurried attitude of loosing one's innocence, of giving it away?
I can't stand most men. I don't trust them and as far as I am concerned they are not allowed near me or my precious sisters. A guy I trusted with her has proven himself to be untrustworthy. If a guy cannot be in control of himself then he does not love you first. He in that moment is more concerned with filling his own need and desire and is not thinking about you. In that moment there is no way he sees you as a treasure. If he cannot wait for you and protect you from himself how will you ever be able to trust him. You should be able to respect and trust a guy...it is then you are willing to give him your heart.
I don't understand the lack of brokenness over sexual sin. God tells us even thinking about someone in that way is a sin. We should be radical about it. Not even a hint...not letting it linger and fill our minds or linger too long on something visual. Don't do anything with someone you would not do in public. Keep it clean. Keep it pure. Keep it love. I understand there are struggles and mistakes. Those are slip ups and forgivable. There is a difference. There is forgiveness there...there is learning to be said for both parties. It breaks my heart when guys just take especially when the take so flippantly.
I guess I still have so much to learn about men. It is entirely my job to help protect my brothers and I learn continually how I can do my part in trying to maintain the innocence in the relationship. It is my job to do my best to protect them. That has been a difficult road for me and one I don't always understand. I am not always aware of what I am doing or what I have done that has caused someone else to go down that road. I am starting to get it...maybe a little more then before. I try so hard to be so careful. I do not want to be intentionally responsible for a brothers struggle.
I have always seen innocence differently. Sometimes I don't understand that the words I say, the things I do, the ways I act, the ways I flirt can potentially cause someone to struggle. I am learning. There is such a difference in how guys and girls view and feel and think about sex. I have to see them as brothers and will only respect the ones who can treat me as a sister. Keep it clean and be radical. Protect your ears, your eyes, your touch. Yes, I long for it but differently. Touch for girls is a connection. It means something so much more different. It is difficult to understand. If it is right, if it is love, the guy will have a connection too. And...more then anything he wants he will find the strength to do his best to protect her too. Will they stumble...it is possible. Is there forgiveness? Of course. Does he have to be perfect...of course not but it is in the moments of struggle you will see his heart and where his intention really is. Does he care for you or does he just want to take from you?
I now think I need to be even pickier then before. I need to be even more careful. I do show my love and affection with touch but do not necessarily mean it with any regards to sex. As a girl I talk about aching for touch but it is different...so very different. I can ache for the heat and the presence and touch of being close to a guy. It is not the ache necessarily for sex, but to feel protected to feel in general. It is different for us all. It is a head and heart thing which is where it starts and the more a guy is in my heart and head especially as a brother the more physically comfortable I am. And yes, we long for it...so differently. Sex may not even cross my mind in any of those instances because I do tend to think innocently. Am I perfect in that...? No, I am single and 28...and human... I tend to think purity is worth being radical for.
There are changes I see that I need to make. I am careful but am learning ways I have to be even more so. I want that. I want to be with someone who respects that. Of course I want to be with someone I want but if it can't be kept clean and innocent it will never really honor God or be for His glory...it will be for selfish reasons. And...I am unwilling to give that easily. I hate that. Hate how easily people take with little regards to how big purity is. It is worth all the wait, all the difficulty and the lack of being able to loose control. It is a great test. It is part of honoring God and keeping Your relationship pure and undefiled before Him. It is never loosing that innocence even when it is not cool. Be refined by God and not the world.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Exhausted
Ready for sleep. Now, would be fantastic moment for that. Is thinking about what I want. Thinking about taking risks and chances. That is life. You carefully calculate or jump in. Either way there is a risk. Some risks are worth it. Some hurt. They are still worth it...I think.
Today God continued to teach me something very valuable. I watched as two very dear friends began to fall in love. This has been about a month in the picture. It was so beautiful and fun. I guess love always is. So, what happens when it does not work? I am so tired and exausted and feel for both of them. I love them both dearly and pray for God's healing and encouragement. I also pray for their hearts and their learning.
I guess I learned something from it as well. Sometimes the things that seem too perfect and go so fast and easy are not. They can end just as easily. Maybe that is just another reason to take things slower. I don't know. Others it works out just that fast. There is no telling and no matter how much careful planning you do the outcome is still in God's timing and plan. I guess I needed to see that. I was in no way jelouse of them but wishing in some way I had something that easy. I guess it was not easy. I guess it works different for everyone.
Is it worth the risks and the hurt? Yes. Love always is. I hate the hurt part. It will always exist. But how great is it when you find someone to work it out with. Love is a blessing. It will be difficult sometimes as well. Purity is difficult. Being radical about Gods standard is the necessary. Guys see the situation sometimes so differently. It is nice to be protected. Especially when you can trust a guy. A guy you can be alone with. One who is radically about protecting your purity and his own.
I cannot believe how differently guys and girls approach purity and sex. We think so different. I cannot believe how much I have learned and how little I realize things sometimes. Being naive has it's benefits. I also have to learn to protect guys. I encourage other girls to protect guys. It is not easy. It is worth it. Are we perfect? Not so much. Thankfully God has protected me from pretty much all of that even when I did not want to protect myself. I have never felt safer then with a guy I can trust to put my purity above what he wants. They are few and far between but talk about something that wins my heart.
The confusion in the situations is sad to me. They have little history together to use to hold it together now. I pray for a peace for the two of them. Different pages entirely that seemed right for a month. Different views. Different issues. I guess no matter how perfect things seem or start off ultimatly we do not know the plans. I am very protective of her. I am very radical about pursuing purity and love that I get to be an example and speak into her life. God has used my life...even when I would not have done so myself. I am very protective of the ones I love and I love them both. They both have much to learn as do I.
Enough of the rattlings. My heart is full and I am growing through this with them. Praying deeply for them. Glad I have not had to experience something so "perfect" and so short lived. Glad for Your plan Father even though sometimes waiting can feel painful. I know it is worth it in the end. Your time. Pursuing You first...in everthing.
Today God continued to teach me something very valuable. I watched as two very dear friends began to fall in love. This has been about a month in the picture. It was so beautiful and fun. I guess love always is. So, what happens when it does not work? I am so tired and exausted and feel for both of them. I love them both dearly and pray for God's healing and encouragement. I also pray for their hearts and their learning.
I guess I learned something from it as well. Sometimes the things that seem too perfect and go so fast and easy are not. They can end just as easily. Maybe that is just another reason to take things slower. I don't know. Others it works out just that fast. There is no telling and no matter how much careful planning you do the outcome is still in God's timing and plan. I guess I needed to see that. I was in no way jelouse of them but wishing in some way I had something that easy. I guess it was not easy. I guess it works different for everyone.
Is it worth the risks and the hurt? Yes. Love always is. I hate the hurt part. It will always exist. But how great is it when you find someone to work it out with. Love is a blessing. It will be difficult sometimes as well. Purity is difficult. Being radical about Gods standard is the necessary. Guys see the situation sometimes so differently. It is nice to be protected. Especially when you can trust a guy. A guy you can be alone with. One who is radically about protecting your purity and his own.
I cannot believe how differently guys and girls approach purity and sex. We think so different. I cannot believe how much I have learned and how little I realize things sometimes. Being naive has it's benefits. I also have to learn to protect guys. I encourage other girls to protect guys. It is not easy. It is worth it. Are we perfect? Not so much. Thankfully God has protected me from pretty much all of that even when I did not want to protect myself. I have never felt safer then with a guy I can trust to put my purity above what he wants. They are few and far between but talk about something that wins my heart.
The confusion in the situations is sad to me. They have little history together to use to hold it together now. I pray for a peace for the two of them. Different pages entirely that seemed right for a month. Different views. Different issues. I guess no matter how perfect things seem or start off ultimatly we do not know the plans. I am very protective of her. I am very radical about pursuing purity and love that I get to be an example and speak into her life. God has used my life...even when I would not have done so myself. I am very protective of the ones I love and I love them both. They both have much to learn as do I.
Enough of the rattlings. My heart is full and I am growing through this with them. Praying deeply for them. Glad I have not had to experience something so "perfect" and so short lived. Glad for Your plan Father even though sometimes waiting can feel painful. I know it is worth it in the end. Your time. Pursuing You first...in everthing.
Monday, February 15, 2010
"In love with love."
Today I considered taking this blog off entirely and making it private. Not that I worry about it being widely read by any means however it seems to have more of a mixture of both what I think and what I feel. I wondered at how smart that would be. I though about many times in my life when I wish I had not said certain things...some of them throwing me into a panic mode. I wondered about all the stories I tell and all the ways I say things very straightforward and with a bluntness at times. I am learning I don't usually filter. Probably because I don't really care. Sometimes I care but only when I suddenly think that something I have said has the control to change my reality. I guess potentially it could. Potentially my mouth weather stated, thought or written can change everything. This is only true if it is part of God's plan.
There is something nice about resting in that. Does it make me bolder? Yes. Do I have to apologize more? Sometimes. I often wonder why it is so easy to say what I think. Sometimes I change what I think. Often I can tell you both sides of an argument in my head and be totally convinced of whatever the last words from my mouth were. I tend to give a lot of grace because I try so desperately to see things from another persons perspective. At many points in my life this becomes very interesting. In any given relationship I have spent long hours thinking about others perspectives. My analytic nature usually only comes up in this instance when there is a decision to be made or when there is a lack of harmony. I hate that. I hate dissension.
It is moments like these that scenarios run through my head moment by moment. I try to understand. Sometimes my mouth will speak. I will say things I don't mean because I am a verbal thinker. I have to work things out verbally out all times. Sometimes I can kill some of this by doing it on paper. I have at times to do anything to get it out of my mind.
I have been thinking that maybe some of the things I think I dislike about others are true about myself. I recently told my lifegroup leader that I did not want to date one of the two guys who asked me out based on the fact that they were "too into love, or in love with love." It is funny though because I can easily fall in love. Maybe I am in love with love...I remember reading something about the 7 with the 6 wing that stated "are always in a relationship or always looking for one." I have been lately looking up some of the Myers-Briggs stuff. Some of it rings very , very true. I am not sure I like that about myself...but it is true. There have been few moments in life there is not some guy on my mind. If not I can easily find one.
I think that is what makes right now so difficult. I rebound from one guy to the other leaving little behind me. It makes is so easy. It makes it so I don't have to commit to someone ever. At the same time I am the most attracted to the guys who seem very committed. Tell me how that works. Also, I don't know a time there has not been a "guy situation" in my life. Sometimes it has been all me. Sometimes it is them. I don't know. I know other things about my character that make me wonder about what I would even look like in a relationship. I am very afraid of being trapped and dealing with pain. Or at least that is the summary of the 7s greatest fear which is also very true. That is why I have spent the last 14 years rebounding as much as possible.
Rebounding has not put me any closer to the right answer or even the right person...I don't think. It is a really bad habit. Goes right along with me started 10 thousand things all at once and being able to change my mind a lot. I can make up my my in ten seconds but always keep my options open in case a better one comes along. That makes my day to day life extremely complicated as well. It is very difficult for me to RSVP to almost anything. I am always worried something better that I want to do more will come up. I don't like having to tie anything down and I value Independence. As much as I value doing my own thing...I also want someone who is willing to do it with me. This is just confusing. I don't want to do life alone but I am picky about it.
The most difficult part right now is just continually trying to fill that part of hurt with Christ. I know I can fill it with someone else again. What will that accomplish? I will have just shoved something else in that does not fit. My heart will get hurt and I will have never had to work through making Christ the answer. How healthy will it ever be if every time I get hurt I run to another guy? Not healthy for a long term relationship. I am so good at only liking one guy at a time but when they end it I run directly to another. Not a good situation. It heals the hurt for sure. But...one of the ways for me to grow is to have to deal with the hurt and face it because that is the thing I never do.
It hurts longer and hurts deeper. However, now is when I might actually learn something. I don't let many things hurt me but somehow my heart is very, very fragile and it breaks easily. I have yet to understand it. In so many ways I wonder if that is exactly why God has kept me out of relationships knowing He promises not to give me more then I can bear. On the love end I can bear very little. That is why I am so choosy with love. I size up every guy first and if they make it through that initial phase then I spend a lot of time trying to figure out the details of them. There have been only a handful of guys I have really truly trusted and only a couple I still do.
So, now I sit just daily having to try and pursue Christ. Everyone tells you when it is right you will know. I wonder how many of us have been wrong. I wonder if is more the feeling of love I have been in love with thus far. Real love is different. It is built of more. Real love is putting the other first. It is giving it to God with an open hand. Being a servant. Humble. Gentle. It is so many things. It is not just the romanticized version of what I so often feel it. It is feelings to though. I wish I could control those. No matter what my head says my heart leads it. When I make rules that is my head talking but my heart wins and breaks them every time. I feel like the heart is stupid and risky and forgiving. The head is stubborn and blunt and frustrated. There is a constant war between the two...my heart always wins. My heart also always hurts.
The walls go up. I cease to trust. I cease to trust love. I see what love can do and I feel the physical pain of it. I cannot dismiss it or the desire for it. There are actual effects on the heart that I cannot explain. Moments I feel. I don't get it. I know everything has a good and bad to it. I just wish it was always clear. The head wishes for the heart that it was always clear because my head would like to protect my heart. It looses.
No matter how injured I am I wish the heart would truly give up. It does not. It waits. I put up an outward coldness sometimes a harshness to try and protect it. I run sometimes fast and hard. Sometimes I run forever with no return. Other things I feel stupid for holding onto. I don't know why the thing wont let go. I can't let everything go I guess so rather I trust the outcome and hand them over to the One who is in control. He has a purpose. He has a use for me. He knows. He knows His timing and His plan.
It is things like these I sometimes wish I did not say or post. Sometimes I feel very safe here because I am being vulnerable to no one. When you find that person you can be totally you with. The person who sees your good and your bad and still wants you. The person who is your best friend. That, whatever that looks like is worth waiting on. In fact if friendship pairs with love it becomes priceless but only if paired with love and desire on both sides. So, when I type words on a page I can say what I want. There is no judgement from the paper. It will not talk back. It will not use my weakness against me. It will not love me either. It is not real. It will not become a best friend.
I guess I know deep down guys a best friends is never safe. I know I have my best guy friends and maybe one day one of them will end up as my best friend. I have yet to discover how you get around the feelings that get tied up in that. It makes me very cautious. I can't open up too much or a guy may fall in love with me. Sometimes I fall in love with him. I guess it will be right when God makes it clear on both sides. I guess that is not what everyone wants but above and beyond all the crazy lists I make I think that is what I have always wanted. I have always said that is what I wanted but have yet to find a safe way of keeping close guy friends. I have many, many acquaintances but few I would truly call my friends. I guess that is my way of protecting myself or at least trying to.
When it is right it will work. No matter what I do or say that is right. No matter all the things I will do and say that are totally and completely wrong. I am still working through it all. Being perceptive of relationships around me. Being extraordinarily careful with those in my life. Wanting more then anything to know a guy who will protect me even if that means from himself. I don't know what that looks like. I don't get to try and figure it out. I do however get to try and figure out God. Every day I have to work at that relationship. Everyday God will continue to teach and grow me though it is a slow and lifelong process. I will make tons of mistakes along the way. Each one shall leave its mark and in each one I will be tested.
Is it safe to blog whats on my mind? I guess that does not really matter. I am not going to loose friends over it. I could worry that I would loose a relationship if a guy ever saw. However, I disagree because if I am not me in front of him then he will not fall in love with me but the version of me I am trying to show him. I don't tend to live a very "safe" or careful life anyways. I tend to like taking chances. Besides, one of my favorite things is talking and of course finding someone who likes to talk and laugh with. I do it quit a bit and so these thought are not different then the ones I would speak. So, all in all I am just going to continue to try. I will try and be who God would want me to be. Somehow this crazy girl is exactly how I am supposed to be, exactly where I am supposed to be and completely wrapped up in His plans. That to me is entirely excited and makes life much more peaceful to experience. May I continue to trust what I don't see and what I do not understand. May my head knowlege help guide my heart. : )
There is something nice about resting in that. Does it make me bolder? Yes. Do I have to apologize more? Sometimes. I often wonder why it is so easy to say what I think. Sometimes I change what I think. Often I can tell you both sides of an argument in my head and be totally convinced of whatever the last words from my mouth were. I tend to give a lot of grace because I try so desperately to see things from another persons perspective. At many points in my life this becomes very interesting. In any given relationship I have spent long hours thinking about others perspectives. My analytic nature usually only comes up in this instance when there is a decision to be made or when there is a lack of harmony. I hate that. I hate dissension.
It is moments like these that scenarios run through my head moment by moment. I try to understand. Sometimes my mouth will speak. I will say things I don't mean because I am a verbal thinker. I have to work things out verbally out all times. Sometimes I can kill some of this by doing it on paper. I have at times to do anything to get it out of my mind.
I have been thinking that maybe some of the things I think I dislike about others are true about myself. I recently told my lifegroup leader that I did not want to date one of the two guys who asked me out based on the fact that they were "too into love, or in love with love." It is funny though because I can easily fall in love. Maybe I am in love with love...I remember reading something about the 7 with the 6 wing that stated "are always in a relationship or always looking for one." I have been lately looking up some of the Myers-Briggs stuff. Some of it rings very , very true. I am not sure I like that about myself...but it is true. There have been few moments in life there is not some guy on my mind. If not I can easily find one.
I think that is what makes right now so difficult. I rebound from one guy to the other leaving little behind me. It makes is so easy. It makes it so I don't have to commit to someone ever. At the same time I am the most attracted to the guys who seem very committed. Tell me how that works. Also, I don't know a time there has not been a "guy situation" in my life. Sometimes it has been all me. Sometimes it is them. I don't know. I know other things about my character that make me wonder about what I would even look like in a relationship. I am very afraid of being trapped and dealing with pain. Or at least that is the summary of the 7s greatest fear which is also very true. That is why I have spent the last 14 years rebounding as much as possible.
Rebounding has not put me any closer to the right answer or even the right person...I don't think. It is a really bad habit. Goes right along with me started 10 thousand things all at once and being able to change my mind a lot. I can make up my my in ten seconds but always keep my options open in case a better one comes along. That makes my day to day life extremely complicated as well. It is very difficult for me to RSVP to almost anything. I am always worried something better that I want to do more will come up. I don't like having to tie anything down and I value Independence. As much as I value doing my own thing...I also want someone who is willing to do it with me. This is just confusing. I don't want to do life alone but I am picky about it.
The most difficult part right now is just continually trying to fill that part of hurt with Christ. I know I can fill it with someone else again. What will that accomplish? I will have just shoved something else in that does not fit. My heart will get hurt and I will have never had to work through making Christ the answer. How healthy will it ever be if every time I get hurt I run to another guy? Not healthy for a long term relationship. I am so good at only liking one guy at a time but when they end it I run directly to another. Not a good situation. It heals the hurt for sure. But...one of the ways for me to grow is to have to deal with the hurt and face it because that is the thing I never do.
It hurts longer and hurts deeper. However, now is when I might actually learn something. I don't let many things hurt me but somehow my heart is very, very fragile and it breaks easily. I have yet to understand it. In so many ways I wonder if that is exactly why God has kept me out of relationships knowing He promises not to give me more then I can bear. On the love end I can bear very little. That is why I am so choosy with love. I size up every guy first and if they make it through that initial phase then I spend a lot of time trying to figure out the details of them. There have been only a handful of guys I have really truly trusted and only a couple I still do.
So, now I sit just daily having to try and pursue Christ. Everyone tells you when it is right you will know. I wonder how many of us have been wrong. I wonder if is more the feeling of love I have been in love with thus far. Real love is different. It is built of more. Real love is putting the other first. It is giving it to God with an open hand. Being a servant. Humble. Gentle. It is so many things. It is not just the romanticized version of what I so often feel it. It is feelings to though. I wish I could control those. No matter what my head says my heart leads it. When I make rules that is my head talking but my heart wins and breaks them every time. I feel like the heart is stupid and risky and forgiving. The head is stubborn and blunt and frustrated. There is a constant war between the two...my heart always wins. My heart also always hurts.
The walls go up. I cease to trust. I cease to trust love. I see what love can do and I feel the physical pain of it. I cannot dismiss it or the desire for it. There are actual effects on the heart that I cannot explain. Moments I feel. I don't get it. I know everything has a good and bad to it. I just wish it was always clear. The head wishes for the heart that it was always clear because my head would like to protect my heart. It looses.
No matter how injured I am I wish the heart would truly give up. It does not. It waits. I put up an outward coldness sometimes a harshness to try and protect it. I run sometimes fast and hard. Sometimes I run forever with no return. Other things I feel stupid for holding onto. I don't know why the thing wont let go. I can't let everything go I guess so rather I trust the outcome and hand them over to the One who is in control. He has a purpose. He has a use for me. He knows. He knows His timing and His plan.
It is things like these I sometimes wish I did not say or post. Sometimes I feel very safe here because I am being vulnerable to no one. When you find that person you can be totally you with. The person who sees your good and your bad and still wants you. The person who is your best friend. That, whatever that looks like is worth waiting on. In fact if friendship pairs with love it becomes priceless but only if paired with love and desire on both sides. So, when I type words on a page I can say what I want. There is no judgement from the paper. It will not talk back. It will not use my weakness against me. It will not love me either. It is not real. It will not become a best friend.
I guess I know deep down guys a best friends is never safe. I know I have my best guy friends and maybe one day one of them will end up as my best friend. I have yet to discover how you get around the feelings that get tied up in that. It makes me very cautious. I can't open up too much or a guy may fall in love with me. Sometimes I fall in love with him. I guess it will be right when God makes it clear on both sides. I guess that is not what everyone wants but above and beyond all the crazy lists I make I think that is what I have always wanted. I have always said that is what I wanted but have yet to find a safe way of keeping close guy friends. I have many, many acquaintances but few I would truly call my friends. I guess that is my way of protecting myself or at least trying to.
When it is right it will work. No matter what I do or say that is right. No matter all the things I will do and say that are totally and completely wrong. I am still working through it all. Being perceptive of relationships around me. Being extraordinarily careful with those in my life. Wanting more then anything to know a guy who will protect me even if that means from himself. I don't know what that looks like. I don't get to try and figure it out. I do however get to try and figure out God. Every day I have to work at that relationship. Everyday God will continue to teach and grow me though it is a slow and lifelong process. I will make tons of mistakes along the way. Each one shall leave its mark and in each one I will be tested.
Is it safe to blog whats on my mind? I guess that does not really matter. I am not going to loose friends over it. I could worry that I would loose a relationship if a guy ever saw. However, I disagree because if I am not me in front of him then he will not fall in love with me but the version of me I am trying to show him. I don't tend to live a very "safe" or careful life anyways. I tend to like taking chances. Besides, one of my favorite things is talking and of course finding someone who likes to talk and laugh with. I do it quit a bit and so these thought are not different then the ones I would speak. So, all in all I am just going to continue to try. I will try and be who God would want me to be. Somehow this crazy girl is exactly how I am supposed to be, exactly where I am supposed to be and completely wrapped up in His plans. That to me is entirely excited and makes life much more peaceful to experience. May I continue to trust what I don't see and what I do not understand. May my head knowlege help guide my heart. : )
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