Sugar Free

Lord, I am here this morning and processing. My mind has time to think about things because I am finally on vacation with a very open schedule.

I woke a little shaky this morning but I assume it is from low blood sugar. It is strange when you wake up feeling extremely weak and completely out of it when in fact you know you have had the required Zzzz's for once in your life. I am a Starbucks. A place I never linger any longer. There is jazz in the background which reminds me of swing dancing...a wonderful past time! The computer I am on is a bit dusty and I wipe around the black edges with the soft ball of my finger to attempt to remedy the situation as I see fit.

Next up in order of discussion, my beverage. This wonderful drink sitting beside me which takes years of creative concocting! I change drinks frequently but the new one of choice took no practice. It was a combination of genius from all the years of flavor practice. It's one flaw; the sugar free combination which I am opposed to because the unhealthiness of the stuff. Sometimes, I just cannot win. I need some level of sugar because mine is too low. I do not want the overload of sugar required for other health reasons and because the large caloric intake involved in such a wonderful beverage. Needless to say I will sit here and attempt at the enjoyment of such a wonderfully crafted art form and I will think about how much it relates to life.

Back to the drink which I cannot allow you to forget about. This drink is tall, light, strong and sweet, just like I like men (of course I just like men in general but you are nearly required to end your sentence about coffee like that). This one is decaf. I have recently switched to decaf primarily for health reasons. Caffeine is a wonderful and delightful substance that takes its turn at being an addiction. This is the first strike against the beautiful stuff. Since said mixture is addictive, and I being the addictive personality I am, completely love the stuff.

Now, for some people this is fine but I tend to be addicted to drinks. Now, let us mix the 2 together and you have someone who loves coffee and drinks it quite frequently in the day. This causes health problems long-term, short-term, and can wreak havoc on one's personal budget. Also, I have recently and off and on in my life had weird spells of weakness and dizziness. It tends to get worse when I am working out a lot and watching what I eat. Also, the problem gets extremely bad when I finish running a half marathon. Within hours I am sick as a dog. Terrible headache. Tossing my cookies. Unexplained issue ahead. This is something I get completely sick of like any sane human would. In order to try and remedy said issue I decided to finally go to the E.R. when I was in one of my spells. This situation gets its own paragraph as I am deathly afraid of hospitals.

Hospitals: a place I have spent much of my childhood though not for myself. Directly relating to family and the amount of time they have spent in hospitals. I, myself have spent one or two terrible nights in J.r. High for the removal of my appendix (which apparently serves zero purpose because I have never even noticed it's disappearance from my inside minus the constant reminder from the small scar I have that sits just below my bikini line). Now, the E.R. You check yourself in which I have no idea how to do. I stand in line and pull out my insurance card. I have been dizzy and a bit sick to my stomach for a couple hours now. I was at work and managed to get the princess shift at work so I had a short day with no lunch. I attempted to gnaw my way through a small protein bar to alleviate any hunger that would occur and yet, I was still a bit sick. This hospital is rather nice and there seems to be a very short line so I am next. You are asked what is wrong with you. Well miss, where do I begin? I am reminded there is a specific reason I have checked myself in and since I am not bleeding and there are no limbs missing I will have to describe what is wrong with me. I have checked in and now am wearing a wrist band. I feel like the "I am over 21" and am now allowed to drink situation is going on for that is the only time I wear such item. I sit. Not too long but long enough.

Next up the name call. I hear my name boomed out and I am still calm though nearing panic. They make me step on the scale (and thankfully it is in kilograms, and there is no way I can do the conversion so there is one less panic point for me there). Then, the guy (and there are 3 people for this because there are 2 training) shoves a thermometer in my mouth which I proceed to spit out because he has not given me time to spit the wad of gum out yet. He pokes directly into the stuff and I know this will affect the reading so we now have to begin all over. From there, they take my blood pressure and pulse. I am still alive, still breathing and perfectly fine until, they bring out a wheelchair.

Wheelchairs scare me. Hospitals are white and cold. My heart begins racing as I am wheeled alone into a room. There I am told to gown up but I can keep my pants on. Whew...I am thankful for that because I am already cold, thinking I will have to walk around the hospital in a gown and for this specific day, had decided not to wear panties. Thank You Father in heaven is where I am at in this particular part of the process because those darn gowns flash everyone. And, like I have already stated, I had woken up that morning and for reasons unknown to me decided I did not need all the usual layers of clothing. How often do you think about the fact you might end up in the E.R. wearing a gown that ties in the back and flashed everyone behind you? Now, gowned up, I sit and wait. I discover this room has movies I can choose and so the debate occurs. I end up with The Blindside because I just love that movie and there is no telling what amount of time I will be watching it so this way I can come in and out of it comfortably.

Next up, testing! A very nice female nurse comes in the room and she speaks. She sounds rather like a child when she speaks because her voice is very high and baby talk like. This makes me feel a little better for the moment. As this continues however it sounds like she is so excited about sticking a needle in me and providing all kinds of wonderful testing that I am no longer enjoying the situation. I get a needle poked in my arm and blood sucked out. Even worse, I am told the D.r. has ordered an IV in case dehydration is the root cause of my problems. Therefore the bloodsucker will remain in my arm until they hook me up to a dripping situation. From there, I am told we are blood pressure testing me. So, I have to have a series of stand up, lay down, and sitting while the machine chooses to take my pressure at specified intervals. Next up, the pee in a cup situation. I feel like I am in trouble as I march off to the bathroom to dewater my bladder into a clear cup. I bring the cup back and wait. The nurse excitedly states "negative." "Negative?" "We had to pregnancy test you," she exclaims. This is weird to me since I already had told the nurses there was no way on this planet I could be pregnant. I did not have to go into a description here but if they had asked I would have let them know that it is considerably difficult to get pregnant when one has never had sex. However, I guess protocol states they must test me. The nurse replies "Well, when you come in and mention you are late, you’re dizzy, and your nauseas, what do you expect us to think?" Being female...

Now, from there I have a number of other tests and now know I am not pregnant. I have a cat scan which is uneventful. The most trauma came from the EKG. Having never experience an EKG before I was not aware of the unexciting process. I was however thankful that I had a female taking my test. For an EKG they ask you to completely take off your top (I feel rather like I should get paid for this and not them). From this point you are topless, in a freezing room when a nurse pulls out a series of cords. This is completely not exciting as you find out this cords are about to be attached to various areas of your chest and end somewhere on your feet. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. And thankfully...it is a short test because this is just awkward.

Now, all that testing and what do you think? They have no idea. I speak to someone in my family and I have already mentioned to the ER workers that my family has both high and low blood sugar in our family. They cannot tell me anything but my grandfather who suffers from low blood sugar states that it seems I have the same think he has because that is how he feels. So, today I will have to borrow one of their machines in order to do actual blood testing. I have attempted to regulate my blood sugar the last week and it seems like that is the culprit. And all that leads me back to this perfect beverage I am sucking my way through.

Now, the beverage is an Iced Decaf Venti 2 pump white mocha, 4 pump sugar free cinnamon dulce, soy, no whip, latte with a small straw. This drink holds more than just flavor however. It also appears to represent many things to me. As I think about the sugar free nature of the beverage I think about a spiritual comparison. We as people want what we want, the sweet things in life without the commitment or the results that follow.

Have you ever thought about that before? I am lost thinking about how much I want something sweet without having to take responsibility for the calories. Life offers me a sugar free substitute. The interested part of this is that it directly relates to how we are. The sugar free with have health repercussions involved but I choose to drink it anyway. I enjoy the momentary but in that moment forget about the long term. I fight the commitment involved in the process. I wonder how often we do that with God. How often do we forget about the spiritual and live for the momentary gain or the short-term? I want the sugar but do not want the real stuff which is so much better.

I know that is a lot to explain a little but that is so much how I think. Life is a series of lessons God is teaching us. There is more than I can ever imagine and more than I can ever understand. Yet, God is worth the understanding. He is worth the time. He is beauty and good. He is so much more than I will ever know. He is the perfection. The thing that last. The good in everything. We are drawn close yet sometimes choose the things that are good and not the thing that is best. I do not choose the author and the sweetest most perfect thing. I choose the substitute. I choose the lesser love. I pursue the things that do not last but only linger for a moment.

My God, deserves far more.

Mornings

I sit this morning listening to Pat McGee Pandora, sipping my coffee (which is an exceptionally lovely blending of situations I created), and thinking about God. Father, thank you for the birds that sing just outside the lingering and open window. The way the breeze feels...sometimes any touch is just enough. Just enough to remind me that You are near. Nearer than I think. Nearer than I give You credit for. I have little time with You this morning but Father, I am just thankful today.

Thankful for the few minutes I can squeeze in of rest. May I find my rest in You. Father, may I linger here just, longer. You ask us to come and yet we forget You. We search and are beaten by the life inside and out. Yet still, You wait. You love more than I will ever understand. Yet, we long for lesser love still.

Thank You for Your beauty. You draw me in. One sweet moment that I so quickly forget. The weight of the world can feel so heavy when I try and hold it up myself. This morning, I want nothing more than to linger and think about You.

This morning. Before getting ready for the day...may I begin to seek You. I need that. Those moments. I need to know You. This morning...I will start the Ruth study guide. So many things about that make me smile this morning. Lord, the irony? Or perhaps the plans I think I have for my life. You made me a planner. That is what I do.

Journal. This Lord is public or private because I do not care to hide my love. If my life is caught up in You than why live it in secret. I promised months ago to begin blogging again. Yet, I do not write for others but Father, may I write for You.

The beating in my heart. You know it. You write it. It moves. The steady speeding up. The songs that make it race. The overwhelming feelings that are held captive there. I am held entirely captive by You. To taste the sweetness of that, of You.

I breathe the air You make. I softly fall. You are love. You love when I am so unlovable. You hold me yet.

Calming. The storms that arise. Lord, may I know that You are my first love. May I forget the things that I so quickly tangle myself in. May I know that everything is held up to Your standard.

When my last five minutes are up may I not walk into the day and forget You. You are a gentle strength. I long for that more than anything. I need that. I need You. I forget that. But,how? You’re in everything and everywhere. And, I react.

May the You in everything sink deeply in. May it distract me completely. And, the day must begin...