I am sitting in front of the computer in my P.J.'s. Back from an awesome weekend of snowboarding in Colorado and attempting to get back in the groove. Work is in a couple hours and I finally got about eight hours of sleep. I am finding random bruises all over (war wounds "?) and realizing how sore my muscles are. I had an amazing time except I was missing the "God" in it all.
I went out of town with some fellow believers and we headed out late Friday afternoon. Before departing I had spent a few minutes with the Lord at Starbucks and then headed out to meet up with everyone. All packed up and ready to go we were off headed for an 8 hour drive which would make our arrival time about midnight. This was going to be a great weekend hitting the slopes of Durango, Colorado.
I knew I was on this trip with a group of Christians, but not knowing any of them too well I was not sure what to expect. My first shock was there was no prayer before we left. This doesn’t seem like a big deal perhaps but I am so used to seeking the Lord and being encouraged to do so by the believers I usually hang out with before doing anything. Then, the music choice...well I don't actually know what it was but I was in the mood for some worship tunes. That made me the odd man out. I requested we pop in a C.d. I had brought but the driver (the college pastor) wanted to listen to something like Eagles or Days of the New. Oh, well. I would just try and read my Bible and thank the Lord on my own. I was a bit discouraged by this but still excited for my weekend.
There is something about car rides that makes me quickly antisocial and rather lethargic. Maybe I have A.D.D. or it is the lack of movement but even when we go on mission trips as soon as I hit the car it is like I am being soothed to sleep. Because of this I generally try to have some quit time or read the Word. This time however it did not work. We were packed in rather tight and I tend to be a bit motion sick when I read-especially if I can not move. So I did not get far into a study. I decided to take advantage of the tight crammed situation and get to know the people I was on the trip with instead.
The ride was long but it allowed me to get to know some of my new friends a little better. We made it safe and were in the rooms at about 12:30am. I had not had really much sleep the night before so off to bed it was. I awoke about 6:30 to someone’s alarm and got going so as to try and get ready. I ran out of time. This was my fault as I could have woken up earlier but was so tired already I assumed I would find time for a quiet time later. There was no time again as they quickly rushed us to breakfast and straight from there into the vans to head to the rental place. I was beginning to feel really thirsty for some prayer time or time in the Word and hoped someone would say anything about God. No luck. He was forgotten again.
We sat on the first lift and quickly slid off to get our boot in the bindings and begin boarding the Colorado mountain. I had brought with me a jacket that hooked up to my little radio. This was a blessing in disguise. My first run down, I was with a girl named Krista. She was fairly new to boarding but we decided to hang out together. That meant for me lots of waiting and teaching time. Upon one of these moments waiting at the end of a rather steep part I accidentally changed the station I was listening to and found a Christian station (Passion) now coming from the speakers in my hood. Praise God! I was so excited and music ministers to me so much. Hurray for Jesus! I now was cruising down the mountain singing praises to the Lord. Only God knows how much this meant to me but it made my day that is for sure. And it was neat because the worship had put me in such a great mood I was more patient with her and that in turn blessed her. What a great God we serve!
This radio kept God in my ear, on my mind and on my lips. I remember crashing at one particular spot on the mountain and sitting back up just completely in awe. Before me was a snow-covered mountain with pine all around. In the distance were other snowcapped mountains and big clouds and the blue sky. It was huge and breathtaking and made me feel so powerless before it. There are moments you see a glimpse of how big God is. This was one of those moments.
We spent all day boarding and I had only a brief moment to chat with someone I did not know at all. We were on a lift on our way up and Krista and me began talking. She asked me something about guys and I don't have a clue what is what now but I had an opportunity to tell her I was just keeping in prayer and trusting God for it. Remember we were not alone on the lift for there were about 3 other people on. I did not get to chat with anyone on this lift but tried to talk about God just loud enough that they could hear. Then on the third time up the guy sitting next to me began to chat with me. The conversation was not about the Lord, but it was about my little radio station coming from the speakers in my jacket. It was at this moment I realized everyone who sat on the lifts with me was listening to Christian radio with me. (You never know what they heard or if seeds were planted but only that they listened to something they may have never turned on of their own desire). Besides I really do look for ways to share the Lord in everything. Sometimes the things you least expect open up doors for opportunity.
We went out to dinner that night all completely abused (by the ice and falling). You would have thought we had all been beaten by the way we slowly twaddled into the restaurant. We were all so sore and tired it was difficult to stay awake. We went back to our hotel and prepared to sleep (7pm). I was so excited because the three girls I roomed with were all in line for the shower so now I was alone in my upstairs bedroom and finally could spend some time in prayer and study. It was only about twenty minutes or so but I was so refreshed and felt amazing. Then it was time for shower and sleep as I was begining to feel more like a zombie then a human.
I plopped into bed by Krista who was reading some type of Christian book. She asked to keep the light on and I said that would be fine. Then she turned to me and said, "so tell me about these rules you have for dating guys." I was a little tired and forgot she had asked me that on the ski lift but knowing I did not have time to explain before we got off the lift I promised to tell here my beliefs on guys and dating later. Now was that time I guessed. I was not sure how long I would stay awake but I agreed to another conversation about guys. It seems no matter where you go if you are in a group of girls this subject will come up. So I rubbed my eyes and sat back up and we began to chat.
At about 10pm we had conversed about many situations and circumstances and I was able to encourage her to wait on the Lord. This was exciting as it was one of our first deep conversations involving the Lord and she thanked me for staying awake so long to talk with her. She told me afterwards she had lots of encouraging ideas and things to pray about. I was encouraged that she was encouraged and off to sleep. Well sort of but that is a different and mini story for later.
Up again before we were ready. We crawled out of bed realizing muscles we did not know we had were sore. We all went to breakfast groaning everytime we had to step up or sit. It was rather a funny situation. So I stretched, got in the car and began day two. I had a short moment of prayer with God in the car and then was interrupted but I said my good mornings and my thank you's. We spent half the day on the slopes and then headed for our eight-hour drive back home.
I was groggy and trying so desperately to want to chat but the whole car ride thing did it again. I laid my head on the seat and just listened to the conversations going on all around me. Then when we were about 2 or three hours from home I realized Krista had a CD player. I had brought about 40 CD’s, but no player and so I asked Krista if I could use hers. Huge blessing again! She agreed and so thirsty for worship tunes I popped in Ten Shekel Shirt. It was one of my favorite times of the trip. I then listened to Paul Wright, David Crowder and just spent some time eyes closed, head back, praising God through song. It was dark and night and the stars were incredible. Way to put me in the best mood ever! I was so refreshed again but realizing how much I missed home. I missed fellowship and prayer with other believers.
It was this moment I was wondering why on a college group trip was God not remembered? I guess it can be easy if you don't make a point of it and I wish they had. I love these friends and am not judging them because I know they love the Lord. God had brought one opportunity on the way home to pray as a group. I was so excited to finally be a part of this time. However, the situations left me missing God in our weekend. I just missed the leadership and times of going before the Lord for everything. I missed long discussions about what He is doing and time spent alone. It was fun and it really just made me miss what I have at home even more.
So all in all I was kept safe and had a blast. But I thank the Lord for the reminder and for the ache that He and only He will fill. I defiantly felt thirsty and can't wait to connect with my friends again. It was such an encouragement because I think I so often take what I have here for granted but just missing it for a couple of days made me see how blessed I am to be surrounded but such a great group of believers who stir me on daily to follow Christ. Thank you all and I pray God will continue to ignite each and every one of us daily.
Monday, February 27, 2006
Friday, February 24, 2006
Broken Strings
Last week I sat on my bed and pulled out my guitar. It is old, given to me from my grandfather and lonely as it lives it's life leaned up against my wall. Can I play guitar? No, I just own in for the random moments I pretend like I will learn. This, was one of those moments.
I began my first attempt in months at trying to tune it and used a small battery operated tuning device. I sat and messed with the strings until the light was green and the dial was in the middle. (this supposedly tells you the string sounds correct-I wouldn't know the difference) I finally made it to the last string. As I turned the knob to wind it tighter, the dial moved slowly toward the middle before the string made an awful sound and broke. I sat there and giggled to myself. This is the story of me and my guitar playing. I may never get around to fixing the string and this really does not help me in my attempt at learning to play. But, I couldn't help but smile anyway at the humor in the situation.
I rather enjoy how little situations in life always seem to apply to a spiritual truth and seem to make them more real. (either that or I just think to much :) This analogy was only too easy. What happens when a string breaks? Well in this case my response was to put the guitar back in it's case and lean it against the wall. I wondered at this point how I respond to all the "broken strings" that come my way.
I did not in this instance respond back at the guitar in anger. This would just be too funny for it was not the guitar that was responsible, but the tuning stylistics of the guitar owner. Besides, what good would anger have done in this situation? And besides I was far to busy laughing at myself thinking of God's sense of humor and wondering what makes Him laugh. This attitude is that of a choice. A choice in looking at situations and choosing joy (or the perfect example of someone who amuses very easily and is extremely self entertained). What about those experiences in life that I let get to me?
So then what about those moments in life I choose to not be joyful? I was thinking about this just the other night after my college group. Tyler had brought up a great point about forgiveness and how it is costly to someone. Many of the circumstances I choose anger it is directed at a person. This is difficult because it is usually based off the fact that somehow I feel "wronged" by that person and feel I deserve different. What a funny selfish attitude. And the worse part is I feed it with anger. Then, I am reminded of Christ and how he gave his life for my sin that I may be forgiven. I think about this quit a bit now as I run my shift and my store and how I treat people who don't do what I say. My immediate feeling is anger or frustration at how dare they. Then I must look at my life and the way I obstinately disobey the Lord and His commands though I know the truth. Now I must say "How dare I!" This has just recently began to help me choose joy in certain circumstances I was finding difficult and is always extremely convicting as well as encouraging.
Life is full of situations that travel many different directions (sort of like this blog) I think sometimes when we are faced with situations or things that don't go like we want we somehow believe God is not there. Since when are "broke strings" outside of God's plan or His sovereignty? (oh, if you could only see my spelling right now you would defiantly fall on your knees and thank the Lord for spellcheck) What good does anger, or frustration or those panic moments do us? Not one ounce of it! (Although it is sometimes fun for those of us who like to practice our drama skills) I think sometimes it is a test to see how we will respond. God talks about that in James and how trials are test to reveal our character. Talk about your humbling moments in life...
It's these trials that range from stubbing your toe to loosing all you have that God uses to change us. It about how we react and respond and whether or not we call on Him or continue to run until He has to chase us down again. Have you ever praised the Lord for stubbing your toe? How about when (Starbucks employees) you burn your hand with 200 degree water or explode a whipped cream all over you and your fellow partners. I wonder what direction our life would go and how if we just realized God has a plan for each and everyone of these as well. I don't want to forget somehow these fit into His plan for my life. I think sometimes I overlook them as just speedbumbs in the road.
So really I guess I am going to really work on focusing my attitude on joy and learning to praise Him for all the things I don't understand and may not want to. And I don't want to ignore these "broken strings" but rather choose to praise Him that He has a plan and remember He promises it is all for my good because I love Him. Because I love music and this song I must leave you with a line from a Caedmon's Call song.
"This days been crazy but everything happened on schedule. From the rain and the snow to the drink that I spilled on my shirt. And you knew how you'd save me before you made me in the garden. You knew this day long before you made me out of dirt..."
I began my first attempt in months at trying to tune it and used a small battery operated tuning device. I sat and messed with the strings until the light was green and the dial was in the middle. (this supposedly tells you the string sounds correct-I wouldn't know the difference) I finally made it to the last string. As I turned the knob to wind it tighter, the dial moved slowly toward the middle before the string made an awful sound and broke. I sat there and giggled to myself. This is the story of me and my guitar playing. I may never get around to fixing the string and this really does not help me in my attempt at learning to play. But, I couldn't help but smile anyway at the humor in the situation.
I rather enjoy how little situations in life always seem to apply to a spiritual truth and seem to make them more real. (either that or I just think to much :) This analogy was only too easy. What happens when a string breaks? Well in this case my response was to put the guitar back in it's case and lean it against the wall. I wondered at this point how I respond to all the "broken strings" that come my way.
I did not in this instance respond back at the guitar in anger. This would just be too funny for it was not the guitar that was responsible, but the tuning stylistics of the guitar owner. Besides, what good would anger have done in this situation? And besides I was far to busy laughing at myself thinking of God's sense of humor and wondering what makes Him laugh. This attitude is that of a choice. A choice in looking at situations and choosing joy (or the perfect example of someone who amuses very easily and is extremely self entertained). What about those experiences in life that I let get to me?
So then what about those moments in life I choose to not be joyful? I was thinking about this just the other night after my college group. Tyler had brought up a great point about forgiveness and how it is costly to someone. Many of the circumstances I choose anger it is directed at a person. This is difficult because it is usually based off the fact that somehow I feel "wronged" by that person and feel I deserve different. What a funny selfish attitude. And the worse part is I feed it with anger. Then, I am reminded of Christ and how he gave his life for my sin that I may be forgiven. I think about this quit a bit now as I run my shift and my store and how I treat people who don't do what I say. My immediate feeling is anger or frustration at how dare they. Then I must look at my life and the way I obstinately disobey the Lord and His commands though I know the truth. Now I must say "How dare I!" This has just recently began to help me choose joy in certain circumstances I was finding difficult and is always extremely convicting as well as encouraging.
Life is full of situations that travel many different directions (sort of like this blog) I think sometimes when we are faced with situations or things that don't go like we want we somehow believe God is not there. Since when are "broke strings" outside of God's plan or His sovereignty? (oh, if you could only see my spelling right now you would defiantly fall on your knees and thank the Lord for spellcheck) What good does anger, or frustration or those panic moments do us? Not one ounce of it! (Although it is sometimes fun for those of us who like to practice our drama skills) I think sometimes it is a test to see how we will respond. God talks about that in James and how trials are test to reveal our character. Talk about your humbling moments in life...
It's these trials that range from stubbing your toe to loosing all you have that God uses to change us. It about how we react and respond and whether or not we call on Him or continue to run until He has to chase us down again. Have you ever praised the Lord for stubbing your toe? How about when (Starbucks employees) you burn your hand with 200 degree water or explode a whipped cream all over you and your fellow partners. I wonder what direction our life would go and how if we just realized God has a plan for each and everyone of these as well. I don't want to forget somehow these fit into His plan for my life. I think sometimes I overlook them as just speedbumbs in the road.
So really I guess I am going to really work on focusing my attitude on joy and learning to praise Him for all the things I don't understand and may not want to. And I don't want to ignore these "broken strings" but rather choose to praise Him that He has a plan and remember He promises it is all for my good because I love Him. Because I love music and this song I must leave you with a line from a Caedmon's Call song.
"This days been crazy but everything happened on schedule. From the rain and the snow to the drink that I spilled on my shirt. And you knew how you'd save me before you made me in the garden. You knew this day long before you made me out of dirt..."
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Moment of Weakness
Today was one of those days I just feel weak. You know those days where you don't feel on top of your game at all. I have spent zero time in the word, too much time attempting unsuccessfully at a nap and thinking. Days like this really become selfish days. They are days I look at myself and life unsatisfied and upset at what I can't accomplish or become. For me I never seem to hit the depression point (thanks to the joy of the Lord) but I definitely allow myself to pout and be in a grouchy mood. And what is worse? Days like these I allow myself to struggle.
Why do I do this? Because for some reason I think feeling like this is better then seeking the Lord and serving others. It is one of those moments I begin to trade a lie for the truth of the gospel and believe sinning will make me happy. Then I think too much about what I don't like about myself, about my life, about my insufficiencies and imperfections. Downward the spiral goes. And then I even allow myself to miss certain people which for a moment or two leaves me a bit lonely. Basically I am being dumb and sinful.
It was soon after this that I remembered a line from Skakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. (Nothing close to the Word of God but I take encouragement from many things in life). There is a point in the play where Romeo goes to Father (whatever his name was-the priest) and begins to explain to him the current predicament he has gotten himself into. And what does he hear in reply? Not pity, but instead the priest goes through his current blessings ending each sentance with ..."there art thou happy?" (he says things like- "thou are banished rather then sentanced to death, there art thou happy....and things like that though I am not going to take the time to look it up for you). Sometimes I feel like this is what God is trying to tell me.
It is moments like these I begin to realize my own sinfulness and the weight of it all. I begin to tear up. I feel the moment of weakness when we realize nothing we do outside of the Lord amounts to anything. I hate my sin, I hate reoccurring sin, I hate selfishness and sometimes just hate myself and my actions. I wish I never believed the lies that Satan puts in front of me and wish I never was derailed by them. Even more, I wish when I felt this mood coming on this afternoon I had fallen on my knees immediately to ask God for His strength. When am I finally going to admit to myself how absolutely weak I am and how I can not hold a single thing together relying on my so called human strength? When will I love Him enough to seek Him first in EVERYTHING? When will I act as though I belive the entire truth of my life vs. (II Corinthians 12:9) ...but he said to me my grace is sufficient for you for my strenghth is made perfect in weakness.....(I really think I tattooed this on myself as a daily reminder of how weak I am. Man it hurts but is awesome when you realize the truth of this.
Why do I do this? Because for some reason I think feeling like this is better then seeking the Lord and serving others. It is one of those moments I begin to trade a lie for the truth of the gospel and believe sinning will make me happy. Then I think too much about what I don't like about myself, about my life, about my insufficiencies and imperfections. Downward the spiral goes. And then I even allow myself to miss certain people which for a moment or two leaves me a bit lonely. Basically I am being dumb and sinful.
It was soon after this that I remembered a line from Skakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. (Nothing close to the Word of God but I take encouragement from many things in life). There is a point in the play where Romeo goes to Father (whatever his name was-the priest) and begins to explain to him the current predicament he has gotten himself into. And what does he hear in reply? Not pity, but instead the priest goes through his current blessings ending each sentance with ..."there art thou happy?" (he says things like- "thou are banished rather then sentanced to death, there art thou happy....and things like that though I am not going to take the time to look it up for you). Sometimes I feel like this is what God is trying to tell me.
It is moments like these I begin to realize my own sinfulness and the weight of it all. I begin to tear up. I feel the moment of weakness when we realize nothing we do outside of the Lord amounts to anything. I hate my sin, I hate reoccurring sin, I hate selfishness and sometimes just hate myself and my actions. I wish I never believed the lies that Satan puts in front of me and wish I never was derailed by them. Even more, I wish when I felt this mood coming on this afternoon I had fallen on my knees immediately to ask God for His strength. When am I finally going to admit to myself how absolutely weak I am and how I can not hold a single thing together relying on my so called human strength? When will I love Him enough to seek Him first in EVERYTHING? When will I act as though I belive the entire truth of my life vs. (II Corinthians 12:9) ...but he said to me my grace is sufficient for you for my strenghth is made perfect in weakness.....(I really think I tattooed this on myself as a daily reminder of how weak I am. Man it hurts but is awesome when you realize the truth of this.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Standing in Your Silence
Music and lyrics of songs run through my head over and over. Often, they strike a chord within me and relate to something much deeper then just words to a song. Standing in your silence is just one line and the title to a Bebo Norman song written as a love song. This song being one of my new favorites is listened to often and so six words hit me and have changed my prayers, my view of God, and related specifically to a current situation in my life.
Lately, God has been changing my views and helping me to learn to be more dependent on Him to move things in my life and work them for the best. (not that He doesn't work everything out for the best because He promises that He does. Just that I don't always trust this even though I believe it) I do not have the gift of singleness or so I have been told by the many people who have had a say in my many occurring guy issues and circumstances. This is a simple problem for single people our age and can often drive us crazy as we spend countless hours pondering the opposite species. This issue has been a popular discussion and blogging topic for me as I try to solve the communication between myself and some of the guys in my life. This however is not the point of this blog....just some background to it.
So as valentines day rolled around I was faced with some issues; spiritual as well as relational. God used some situations in my life to realize even though I love Him and deeply desire for Him to be my main focus, I was starting to shift. It reminds me of a tornado. If you have ever seen the movie Twister (yes, I actually like this movie) there is a point at the end they have an encounter with an F5 tornado. They need to get directly in front of it in order to put "Dorothy" where she will be picked up by the tornado. Two groups follow this gigantic terror of nature. Of the two groups trying desperately to succeed, the one that stood back and watched as the tornado shifted it's direction and turned the other way ultimately succeeded. The other group kept going until they themselves were sucked up into the tornado and lost their lives. This is often how our lives shift we see something coming (good or bad) and if we don't take the time to asses the situation we can get sucked right in along with everything around us. Do we die? Not necessarily in a literal way but anything is possible.
So what then was my problem? It had become that something good had become too much. I was letting my desire entice me and prolong the necessary. Believe it or not, I am actually talking about the popular computer myspace program. It began as way for me to communicate with my friends and became something a little bit more. Seems harmless doesn't it? It is except when you let your emotions get too wrapped up in it. I am a girl and therefore emotions play a huge role in my life. Dumb....at times. So what began as fantastic communication with many people I had not talked to in awhile began to cause me to stumble. I was so excited to get an opportunity to chat, email, and comment with a couple guys that I actually began to feel somewhat emotionally attached to them though outside of the computer there was often little to no contact with them. Why the struggle? I desire to be in a relationship and have rules for spending time alone with guys, talking on the phone with guys but did not realize the need for computer communication. For me, that tapped a little too much into an area I have been protecting and so my boundaries were being bypassed without me knowing it. I would then go on several times a day to write these guys or see if they had written me and usually they had. If they had not I would begin to stress as to the why. Basically it became a huge distraction and stirred up the desire rather then helping it as those relationships were not going to go anywhere.
I spent a night away up at my cabin with music, a bible, a book, my stuffed animal and a cozy fire (which I built myself-very proud). I was consumed with thoughts of my situation wondered when and why I had began to stress over guys. I came back the next day feeling better but still seeking answers. I had prayed about my guy issues but there was no resolve to the problem. The next night I went out dancing and temporarily forgot to think about any of these things (one of the joys of dancing). But then at my missions family house I was again distracted by thoughts from before. Grrrrr........ What was wrong
with me?
I awoke the next morning having had very little sleep the night before and began to blog about what I wanted to do with my life if I only had 90 days to live. I realized then I would be so focused on the Lord and sharing the gospel with the people around me. Would I be thinking about relationships-not dating ones that is for sure. And it was at the moment I realized how I had gotten to where I was. I had not been careful with all my communication with guys and realized since that is one of the turn-on's to guys for me I had allowed and fed my own struggle. It was the next day, Valentines, that I deleted my Myspace.
Who knew how much of a difference this decision was going to make on my life. The stress of my guy situations disappeared and I earned many more hours in a week to focus on other things. I realized that I could now turn my mind back over to focusing on being single and how I can love the Lord and trust Him to deal with the details. I learned and desire what it means to "Stand in His silence", And even though that line is a relational one between a man and a woman I am loving how much more I want to be with the Lord and how my thought are not consumed with boy drama. It even helped me too see clear enough to realize that something my mom and dad had told me that weekend made tons of sense. They spoke of how you will find the person you are supposed to be with when you are running the same direction in life. This was not a specific comment on the guy I was talking about with them that night but it did make me realize only days later than even though I am very interested in him, we are not running the same direction at all. Can that change? Yes, but for now I don't want anything of it and have decided no until or unless we start running the same direction. And this decision put me at peace.
So after a week of this I was singing "Standing in your Silence" and as I shampooed my hair another line stood out to me. This line struck me even more then the first and the idea of standing in God's silence. There is a line that says "open up my eyes so I can see" and it is talking about a girl who in this metaphor is the sun and directly before he says "I have been praying for daylight". I am not going to relate this to this because the line to me started an entirely different chain of thoughts.
"Open up my eyes so I can see." This now has dominated an idea in my prayer life regarding relationships as well as God's plan for my life. I want desperately to seek what God wants for me and not that which I want for myself. I know He knows what is best and what His plans are and how he will get me there and so I want Him to allow me to trust and see. Therefore I must trust and seek. This is really the entire point to me of this bloc as this truth hit me so hard. He can show me the direction to take with each and every thing I do. This falls into my decisions on guys as well. I don't want to search based on my own strength and my preferences but desire for Him to open my eyes up to see the situations the way He wants, the pursuits I should follow, the guy I should like and let Him drastically change me through it.
This also brings up another issue. What are we not seeing because we are too distracted by other things. We think we are seeing and we find out what we saw was wrong, we were decieved. Satan is great at drawing our attention different directions and bringing storm clouds to our view. Even though these clouds are beautiful, they distract us from the rainbow in the distance. Therefore I pray God opens my eyes...I want to see Him and Him alone.
Lately, God has been changing my views and helping me to learn to be more dependent on Him to move things in my life and work them for the best. (not that He doesn't work everything out for the best because He promises that He does. Just that I don't always trust this even though I believe it) I do not have the gift of singleness or so I have been told by the many people who have had a say in my many occurring guy issues and circumstances. This is a simple problem for single people our age and can often drive us crazy as we spend countless hours pondering the opposite species. This issue has been a popular discussion and blogging topic for me as I try to solve the communication between myself and some of the guys in my life. This however is not the point of this blog....just some background to it.
So as valentines day rolled around I was faced with some issues; spiritual as well as relational. God used some situations in my life to realize even though I love Him and deeply desire for Him to be my main focus, I was starting to shift. It reminds me of a tornado. If you have ever seen the movie Twister (yes, I actually like this movie) there is a point at the end they have an encounter with an F5 tornado. They need to get directly in front of it in order to put "Dorothy" where she will be picked up by the tornado. Two groups follow this gigantic terror of nature. Of the two groups trying desperately to succeed, the one that stood back and watched as the tornado shifted it's direction and turned the other way ultimately succeeded. The other group kept going until they themselves were sucked up into the tornado and lost their lives. This is often how our lives shift we see something coming (good or bad) and if we don't take the time to asses the situation we can get sucked right in along with everything around us. Do we die? Not necessarily in a literal way but anything is possible.
So what then was my problem? It had become that something good had become too much. I was letting my desire entice me and prolong the necessary. Believe it or not, I am actually talking about the popular computer myspace program. It began as way for me to communicate with my friends and became something a little bit more. Seems harmless doesn't it? It is except when you let your emotions get too wrapped up in it. I am a girl and therefore emotions play a huge role in my life. Dumb....at times. So what began as fantastic communication with many people I had not talked to in awhile began to cause me to stumble. I was so excited to get an opportunity to chat, email, and comment with a couple guys that I actually began to feel somewhat emotionally attached to them though outside of the computer there was often little to no contact with them. Why the struggle? I desire to be in a relationship and have rules for spending time alone with guys, talking on the phone with guys but did not realize the need for computer communication. For me, that tapped a little too much into an area I have been protecting and so my boundaries were being bypassed without me knowing it. I would then go on several times a day to write these guys or see if they had written me and usually they had. If they had not I would begin to stress as to the why. Basically it became a huge distraction and stirred up the desire rather then helping it as those relationships were not going to go anywhere.
I spent a night away up at my cabin with music, a bible, a book, my stuffed animal and a cozy fire (which I built myself-very proud). I was consumed with thoughts of my situation wondered when and why I had began to stress over guys. I came back the next day feeling better but still seeking answers. I had prayed about my guy issues but there was no resolve to the problem. The next night I went out dancing and temporarily forgot to think about any of these things (one of the joys of dancing). But then at my missions family house I was again distracted by thoughts from before. Grrrrr........ What was wrong
with me?
I awoke the next morning having had very little sleep the night before and began to blog about what I wanted to do with my life if I only had 90 days to live. I realized then I would be so focused on the Lord and sharing the gospel with the people around me. Would I be thinking about relationships-not dating ones that is for sure. And it was at the moment I realized how I had gotten to where I was. I had not been careful with all my communication with guys and realized since that is one of the turn-on's to guys for me I had allowed and fed my own struggle. It was the next day, Valentines, that I deleted my Myspace.
Who knew how much of a difference this decision was going to make on my life. The stress of my guy situations disappeared and I earned many more hours in a week to focus on other things. I realized that I could now turn my mind back over to focusing on being single and how I can love the Lord and trust Him to deal with the details. I learned and desire what it means to "Stand in His silence", And even though that line is a relational one between a man and a woman I am loving how much more I want to be with the Lord and how my thought are not consumed with boy drama. It even helped me too see clear enough to realize that something my mom and dad had told me that weekend made tons of sense. They spoke of how you will find the person you are supposed to be with when you are running the same direction in life. This was not a specific comment on the guy I was talking about with them that night but it did make me realize only days later than even though I am very interested in him, we are not running the same direction at all. Can that change? Yes, but for now I don't want anything of it and have decided no until or unless we start running the same direction. And this decision put me at peace.
So after a week of this I was singing "Standing in your Silence" and as I shampooed my hair another line stood out to me. This line struck me even more then the first and the idea of standing in God's silence. There is a line that says "open up my eyes so I can see" and it is talking about a girl who in this metaphor is the sun and directly before he says "I have been praying for daylight". I am not going to relate this to this because the line to me started an entirely different chain of thoughts.
"Open up my eyes so I can see." This now has dominated an idea in my prayer life regarding relationships as well as God's plan for my life. I want desperately to seek what God wants for me and not that which I want for myself. I know He knows what is best and what His plans are and how he will get me there and so I want Him to allow me to trust and see. Therefore I must trust and seek. This is really the entire point to me of this bloc as this truth hit me so hard. He can show me the direction to take with each and every thing I do. This falls into my decisions on guys as well. I don't want to search based on my own strength and my preferences but desire for Him to open my eyes up to see the situations the way He wants, the pursuits I should follow, the guy I should like and let Him drastically change me through it.
This also brings up another issue. What are we not seeing because we are too distracted by other things. We think we are seeing and we find out what we saw was wrong, we were decieved. Satan is great at drawing our attention different directions and bringing storm clouds to our view. Even though these clouds are beautiful, they distract us from the rainbow in the distance. Therefore I pray God opens my eyes...I want to see Him and Him alone.
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