Girlish Laughter

A blog by Heather, Amy, and Hannah.

There is seriously nothing more fun then laughing...especially with these two ladies. We seem to make our own entertainment everywhere we go. Which can be interesting considering we laugh till we cry. Try going to the gym with us it can be very interesting. I can't imagine what people think but I really don't care either. We have much too much fun and what is life without those moments. I am so glad not one of us is shy because I don't know how we would survive.

For instance, we have some serious issues in church with this. This is a weekly problem because I am far too easily amused and we seem to feed off each other. So did I mention I am easily amused so much so that I seriously crack myself up. People in my house think I am crazy when they walk by the living room or computer room and I am laughing out loud, alone, because of my own sense of humor. Oh yes, and sometimes it is a thought, or something I write, lets just say God has allowed me to be extremely easily ammused.

So back to the church problem. I am one of those people if you tell me I can't laugh....I can't help but do it. So there is one specific week about two months ago. The three of us were sitting next to other in church and Pastor Tom was speaking. He brough up something about spiritual constipation and that in itself is funny. But, it gets much funnier as we all have a joke relating to this that is from Caborca last summer. So, we look at each other and then slowly begin to try and hold the laughter in. Impossible. It begins with the silent laughter that sounds like breathing. Then it progresses to red cheeks, breath holding and busting out in tiny squeeks I try and make sound like a cough or sneeze so that no one knows I am about to loose it. After that it only gets worse as we notice the other two doing the same thing. Then I cover my mouth and close my eyes so to ignore or forget but my body begins shaking silently in laughter. Guess what? They can feel this and so begin to shake along. So from behind it looks like a chorus of seizures. From a distance I hear we are actually quite entertaining. So I hear! Then drool begins to form and we begin to gasp for breath. This usually is a quick and painless process except on occasions it goes on and on until we are so tired we don't know what to do with ourselves. Oh, and did I mention big tears begin to form and roll down my cheeks so really I could pretend I am having a deeply spiritual moment or a serious emotional breakdown as the situation allows. But these moments are priceless and more fun then you can imagine. Think this is rare? Not with the three of us and this I am thankful for. I just hope we don't get in trouble for it someday. This last week was a close call as the Pastor said something funny but at the perfect time. I had just been digging in my purse for a pen and out came my toothbrush. You can not tell me that is not funny...I thought so but the great thing is Tom had just made a joke so my outburst made his joke sound really funny. If only he knew what we were really laughing about. Oh good times, good times.

Now a word from the other two culprits.
I think the next culprit is Amy!

Well, I have to say that I just happened to write a blog about this very topic...but...it's still JUST as funny so I can laugh all over! A tangible example of what Heather was talking about is I was going to make a funny comment about an "observation" I had just made the other day, so I came out to talk to Heather and I was already laughing so hard I couldn't say anything! Girls, man, we're crazy! Well, I happened to be present during those two other experiences that Heather was talking about...yep, they were just as funny as she made them out to be. Right now, Hannah and Heather are rofl (rolling on the floor laughing) because of a silly little occurence. That's how easily we "break"! I feel bad for whoever marries us because they'll sure have to deal with a TON of laughing! Since we have these little occurences about every 5 minutes, this often happens at Starbucks. Someone will bring up something, we'll all look at each other and burst (literally burst) out laughing. It's pretty fun and it is a great way to work your abs. I should do it more!



Ahem... Is it on? Is it on? Alrighty, my turn at the mic. Yes, yes, I am the mysterious "third". Ah ha! And I have the honor of being the last to be indoctrinated into... whatever it is I am now indoctrinated into. I won't try to come up with any corny names. I will now forsake my small little rabbit trail and discuss the issue at hand. ;)

Well, when Heather first came along, I wasn't sure quite WHAT to think. I liked her a ton, but she made my sister explode, and she exploded rather constantly as well. However, as time as gone on, I have slowly acclimated to the former Heather-Amy atmosphere, and have joined the ranks of the now Heather-Amy-Hannah atmosphere - and I think, just maybe, my abs really are getting a little tougher. Can't be quite sure... but, just maybe. ;) (!) So, I think God has really provided each other FOR each other, to make life a bit more joyful, the way he intended it to be. Maybe He placed humor in the world just for this reason... well, we're taking advantage of the opportunity - that's for sure.

Well, thanks ladies for all your help.

Yes and this from the memoirs of three young ladies. God has absolutly blessed us with the abiltiy to LOL at all times, places, and on a moments notice. I think it is my spiritual gift. Well, maybe. I just hope that the next time you notice us rather then think about how immature we are acting think about all the endorphines you are not enjoying. All it takes is a little smile to change the mood and I have a gift for finding humor in all most anything. The only downside...growing smile lines but they are so worth it. Beside I have been told I don't quit look my age yet and I think it is because of laughter. So feel free to join along as life rolls on.

It's all Perspective and Patience

Boys and girls are destined to never really understand each other but the situations we get into because of this can be quite painful. I sit tonight and talk with the girls. As is the case with all humans we seem to discuss the opposite sex and how interesting they are. We laugh a bit and discuss our current interest and giggle about how funny we are. But what then of our hearts? Quite guarded though sometimes we slip.

It is aweful how much girls read into things and by this I mean everything. So at times guarding our hearts and emotions becomes impossible for we are so easily drawn in. I thought about this last night during some coversation we had. We discussed current situations, standards, dating, and of course three guys. It came to my mind while re-enacting certain moments and speeches how much our hearts long to love and be loved. Girls are willing to allow ourselves to be sucked in even if it is not the intention of the guy. It can be such a difficult situation. How do you stay uninterested in someone is something I have not yet mastered. As a matter of fact I did not tell the girls until last night who I was interested in as to pretend I wasn't. Amy was so funny as she said she thought I had stopped being a girl. It had been awhile since talking about a guy and even though she had actually figured it out already (smarty) I totally denied it on more then one occasion. (I sort of lied...very, very, bad I know and I asked forgiveness for it.)

I used to believe guys needed to be more careful and blamed some of them for their actions though I forgot to blame my responses even more. God has taught me a ton about waiting on Him. This doesn't leave me left out, but just a lot less frustrated with the circumstances. Am I careful? Like no other. It is only too easy to want to read into things and convince other girls the guy we like also likes us in return. I watch this as more then one girl often likes the same guy. The same situation from an outsider like me and then the two stories they tell are heartbreaking. It is so sad that girls are the way we are. I wonder at the guys perspective because I know the girls.

Then there are the vibes I think I send off that apparently are not as I expect. A guy I dislike I think I am making it completely evident to. I keep finding I am wrong by them calling or saying they will take their "lunch" with me. Really, come on. So then I just have to not be so fun and nice for a bit until they realize the reality of the situation. I am not playing hard to get, I am not playing at all. I have my fun little list of standards and few guys actually cut it. I don't think you can be too picky when it comes to finding a godly leader. So then the guys I am interested in...I just wait. Sometimes I play it way too "cool," but that is one way I guard my heart. This is just a lesson it took me years to learn but a wise one. (I think) That way I leave it to him to decide not based on my great acting skills and means of impressing.

Therefore the three amiga's have decided upon keeping each other seriously accountable. Even if that means not talking about the guys at all. However, we will give each other the looks that tell a conversation and giggle about it later. Just another chapter in our lives and another moment in time. Besides we are constantly reminded by the mom and the dad that the guy will persue and have to go through them. Very encouraging. And even better that leaves it up to God as we have no roll to play except to focus on our relationship with HIM. Besides, I don't want to have to convice a guy he likes me by flirting and means of trying to impress. He either will or he won't and that is where God and the parents come in. Until then, we will continue to enjoy our lives and just breath.

So is this a blog about guys...not exactly. It all comes down to the fall of man and how skewed our perspectives are. Talk about seeing your sin come out. What your response in relationships or pre-relationships. God can bring so many of your issues up and these become evident to those around you. But anyways....there are other things to speak of.

Looking in....

Do you ever wonder what people are thinking about you? Not necessarily in a paranoid way, but there are definitely first impressions we give people. How often are our first impressions incorrect? And what about those “red flags” and “flinches”? I occasionally ask people who know me well what they thought of me first off and needless to say, it is never how I imagined it to be. The way we perceive ourselves always seems to be very different then the rest of the world. There are many times I wonder what it would be like to step in someone else’s shoes or to see through their eyes. This is a topic I may expound upon more at a later date, but for today I will tell you exactly why I am thinking on this topic.

When traveling down the road I feel extremely closed off from the rest of the world and reality. This, is quit a false notion that I have but none the less one I like to cling to. I often seem to live in my head and so sometimes “car time” can be my favorite. I get to play DJ and drive myself wherever I desire to go. Sometimes I pray, talk to God, talk on the phone, or sing. Then, there are the long road trips…these are fun because there is lots of serene “drive time” as you are surrounded by trees, valleys, hills, desert, anything but street lights and bumper to bumper. So you travel merrily on your way.

On occasion, I am reminded I am not alone and in a place different then others and often these moments are humbling. I am an extremely self-entertained person. I love to make myself laugh and sometimes “talk” outloud and bust out songs like there is no one else in the world. The funny part is….there are others out there and sometimes they react to these “alone” times. Today was one of these occasions. It was an extremely nice day outside and I got off work pretty early. I put the Kansas CD into the player and proceeded my best and loudest vocal impression of Jennifer Knapp. I realized it was so nice outside and so decided to roll down my window. Oh, the breeze was amazing and since my hair was pulled back in a pony tail I decided I did not have to worry about it getting messed up so I rolled the window all the way down. I was cruising along minding my own when suddenly I had to stop at a light. Little did I realize my window was down and I was busting out louder then the CD until I saw the expression on the man’s face strolling down the sidewalk. It was at that moment I realized what was going on and so decided I must either roll the window up (na) or just turn the music up slightly.

This was rather amusing to me and made me think about all the other “car moments” I have had in the past. One of my favorites, is the reaction you get when people see you talking to yourself or cracking yourself up. I really think I must claim insanity! Well, I am not insane, but always thinking and sometimes I think outloud. I often re-live conversations but don’t realize I am not only replaying these moments for myself, but also anyone within earshot. Oooops….Oh, and what about those moments you are dancing like no one can see. Only guess what? My windows being untinted allows a clear view for everyone to see and so as I do my thing people sometimes take notice. Who knew I was such a great entertainer? It really doesn’t bother me too much as I don’t dislike attention.

Besides, I can change certain parts of my personality but don’t have a desire to change this. I rather enjoy the humor in these moments and probably will never learn what people really think. My new favorite is one that I got the girls involved in. There is a Paul Wright song called Come Around. I don’t know why but from the first time I listened to this song I had the urge to bust out my version of drumming. This in a car can be really, really fun. Basically my drumming is extremely technical. Anything I can reach becomes my drum. This, includes the ceiling, the dashboard, the window, my hand, the steringwheel, my passengers or anything within “safe” arm reach distance. So, now my two drumming partners join in and man what a fun time we have. From this I have learned two really great lessons. If you are drumming on the steering wheel and your music is a little loud, you will not know you are honking your horn. The second important lesson I learned is that neither Hannah, Amy, nor I should ever take up drumming as a profession. However I really can not imagine listening to this song without our lovely drum beats breaking apart the inside of my car : ). And this is one time I definitely do not want to imagine what the rest of the world is thinking. ( I am thinking of investing in some really good window tinting) (But then what would be the fun in that?)

Into Marvelous Light

Today was an awesome rainy day. Thank you Lord for the blessing of rain and clouds and cool air. There was nothing better today then snuggling with my stuffed animal, my pillows, my blanket and listening to the storm. What an amazing day! God has really been putting some things on my heart lately and I am really excited about them. I have come down to the conclusion I had strayed just a tad to the left or right of the path. If we look directly toward the Marvelous light which is God we will not be able to see anything else. (sing the song to yourself if you want) If we turn our head just a little it becomes part of our periferal vision.

I have been thinking about ministry lately and those I am involved in. I have come to the conclusion I am far too content thinking about ministry then doing it. This was an awesome week for me full of thought and prayer. Even now I am just speaking from excitment because God has reminded me I need to be looking ahead and "kingdom" focused. In our life group this week Kristie handed us each a glow in the dark star. This I glued into my wallet as a reminder daily that if something sees light, it will absorb it and shine in the night. What a great encouragement and example of how we should be. Salt and light my friend, salt and light.

Well, I have decided to be PURPOSEFUL in sharing. I already share when I can but have really been convicted that it is not close to enough. So, I am going to get out there more and be more willing to give my time to something worthwhile. Basically I have been given opportunities and rather then use the time I have in them completely selfishly I want to make it more for ministry. It is easy to "share" but I really want it to be much more PURPOSFUL in my life. So this last week I had decided to try this. I am taking baby steps, but weighing the value of each one. And guess what? I have had such an awesome time doing it. Isn't it great we get so much joy from serving the Lord and sharing Him.

Also, it was such a great reminder of the importance of prayer. If we believe in the power of prayer I wonder why we don't pray more? Really I want to be in prayer and not only dependant, but extremely EXPECTANT that God will move. The way to do this is to stay on our knees before our King. So, has it been just another week? Yes, but an awesome one. Glory be to our God, for He alone is worthy!

Good Night. I really need some sleep....good thing for you, because this will be really short.

Because of Christ,
Heather

P & P (I wish it was Pride and Prejudice)

Interesting is it not? The things you learn about yourself and how ugly you are. There is one specific area of struggle that I have hit on several times over the last couple months and I fear that it is my worst. If you have not figured it out (you should really read my titles more closely) Yes,I am talking about my foolish pride. I hate to see it, I hate to feel it, and I hate knowing that it is a part of me...a painful one.

Just last Saturday I got a nice sting directly where it would hurt the most. I am a swingdancer and have put much of my time and energy into it for the last year or so. I have spent countless hours learning, practicing, dancing into the wee hours of the evening. So, last Saturday night I was out and about at the usual place and found there was to be a contest. I entered knowing it would be "cake". I just wondered at what place I would get out of the top contestants. Would I finally beat my best friend? Or would I make it once again just below her?

Suspensed yet? Yeah right. I am only talking about dancing....or am I? The contest began and I danced my way through two or three terrible leads. I knew dance wise I still had a chance based on my "mad dancing skills" and so just waited patiently while the judges made their decisions. Then at last, they called the winners from 5th place to first. The first two females and males were called and I really wasn't paying too much attention yet as I could not have possibly been chosen lower then third. Then they continued to read the list. They called one after the other and then my best friend name was called for second place. Now I was a little confused. Either I actually beat her, (though I did not beleive this to be true) or something was drastically wrong here. Then they called the winner and guess what? It was not me.

My face flushed a bit (and my nostrils probably flared). Now I was irritated. What had gone wrong? I knew all the instructors, had practiced before and felt that even though my leads were not to my liking I felt I had shown my moves. Then that nasty little thing reared it's ugly head once again. My stupid pride. It began to cause me to respond in a way that was totally wrong and stupid. (as is the nature of the beast) I couldn’t be happy knowing I had been beat. Especially by people I "knew" were not as good of dancers as I was. I fumed inside and put a nice smile on the outside (at least until I could walk out of the room and feed my pride a bit more). Then some of the dancers came out and began to congratulate each other. Now I was even more upset about the current situation. Basically I was pouting. (Just like every child does ; )

I knew my pride was causing me to act this way and I was having a very difficult time responding to it. I am extremely competitive (at least when I am engaged in something) and so this really, really, hurt. How dumb is pain caused by ones own pride and competitiveness? Seriously! However if you only knew how much it actually hurt. I really, almost wanted to tear up. I felt the sting behind my eyes and needed to leave the situation quickly before I dared let any roll down my cheeks. Do you think me dumb? You should because I do.

This situation or one like it Reveals my pride and sinfulness. And what was worse is I just wasn't sure how to deal at the moment, how to get past how I felt. I have seen episodes like this before, this was nothing new. In fact this same feeling happened in a series of dance competitions about six months prior. Oh, and even when I made third or second (I really don't remember) I was not satisfied. To me there is something in my nature that drives my competitive side. It can be good but often is not. Then when I do compete I get to see how ungodly I am and how selfish and prideful my heart is. I left that night needing to seek the Lord's wisdom and forgiveness. I was reminded of how I need to learn to really pray and deal with this sin. That sin then leads into selfishness as I look to people and winning to measure my level of success. When I don't win or feel like I did a great job, I feel like a failure. I then have the urge to quit, to give up entirely rather then try and more and have a chance to loose, to fail. (Don't believe me...ask me how long it took me to get my Associates degree and how many classes I withdrew from in order to get there (Just to make this funny I will tell you...It took me 6 years to get my Associates and that is after withdrawing from about 45 classes....yes I said classes and not credit hours)(Be glad God is sovereign and He can change people) (Oh and thanks again to mother Lynne who would not let me drop another class)

You know when God is trying to teach you something it seems you refuse to learn? Yes, well, this conviction of not dealing with my pride really began on our mission trip in January. I don't see my pride for what it is often as it chooses the time to really make itself evident. I had one of these moments the day before we left Caborca and man did I hate it. A small group of us were out sharing in the town and we began to speak to a woman there. I found myself wanting to share, to have a purpose, to have something important to say so there my big mouth opened. I won't stretch the story out too terribly much but let me tell you I had to bite my tongue and silently pray. My eyes swelled and I realized my prideful attitude was leading my actions at that specific moment and not the Holy Spirit. I want to be led by the Spirit not led by my sin. I sobbed a little that day and went before the Lord to seek His forgiveness and begged for a change. This was not really that long ago...apparently I am stubborn and choose not to learn things quickly.

I rather enjoy the company of animals and have two ferrets at home. I love these animals dearly and they usually follow me all around the house from the time I arrive until I leave each day. They are not locked in a cage although they do have one and so roam about my room freely. Often they like to come up and lick my face or want to play in the early morning or middle of the night. When they can't seem to lick me awake, they begin other tactics. Sometimes they just give up and try again a bit later but other times their approach is quit painful. They might scratch a part of my arm or leg, they may try pouncing on me, or my least favorite they may grab the soft crease in my arm or my wrist with their teeth and begin to drag my body part across the bed until I jump up and wring their neck. (No, I would never actually do that(I love my animals more then most people : ) I usually just pick them up, look at the clock and pet them till they go away. (or till round two begins) Either way, that painful bite or scratch to my arm opens my eyes. I see God using the same tactics. (His usually hurt more, scar less, and serve a higher purpose) I needed Saturday night to happen in order that I may have my eyes opened farther to an area that needs some tending. This is going to be very difficult for me especially because the more I seek God, the harder it is to look at my own sin and the more evident it becomes. I know He was leading up to this even though I didn't want to see it, admit it, or even deal with it.

I was calmer by Sunday morning and decided to watch "Lord of the Beans". (A vegeietales movie about the gifts God gives you and how you use them) Now I began to realize some things that pride was influencing in my life. I was able to look at things a bit closer and do some analyzing. This movie helped set my direction toward what God was trying to tell me. (Other then the obvious) I dearly love to share the gospel and build relationship upon relationship with that in mind. Just as any other thing, I can get sidetracked and it doesn't take much. I was beginning to value certain gifts, over their purpose. On of these was dancing. And even though I was still in it to share, I had begun to shift. It seems at least Saturday I was focused more on talent, then my real purpose in life. I am so thankful for conviction and that the Lord can line you up before you stray too far.

Because of all this, I was reminded once again we are made for a different place. To long for our real home and to have a voice that shares our love for our Savior. To forget this makes us purposeless. I travel in several social circles and am glad for the reminder that I am not to be of this world or live for what they live. I was convicted about not being bold enough about sharing my faith getting too caught up in the scene and being part of it rather then making it evident that I live for something else. Therefore I am not to care what I am "good" at or how I "look" but rather WHO I live for and what my gift is for.

Really I should be thankful to God I am not too "awesome" at anything. People who are the best, the prettiest, the smartest, the most talented, the wealthiest, etc...I would think would struggle the most. I am too weak, and my struggles, to deep. God didn't give me too much talent in anything and I am becoming grateful of this. My gifts are for the sole purpose of bringing HIM glory and not me. I can not forget that, I must live each day for that. I can not forget I am made for another world, that this is not my home. Earth, a temporary dwelling only years from home. As is one of my favorite things to do, I must leave you with lyrics from a song I know that relates. (at least I see the connection and since I am the author of this I say it connects)

- KJ-52 Lyrics - 5th Element Lyrics

(If you don't read the whole thing-I know this is difficult when you are not listening to the song, please take a look at the last paragraph...seriously)



Who am I? The one that gets laced tight
The one you wear, hit a flare on the same night
That you hit an uprock, I'm the one in the closet next to one sock
The one you rock on the cardboard box
Walking to the one block
You know the one spot peeps get the one shot
Got one thought on the task at hand
You can ask your man I'm part of master plan
Only b-boys and b-girls, they understand
Whatever you say now, ya wish is my command
Name it, I'll be the footwork to your head spin
Follow your lead, go anyplace that ya legs bend
At ya cipher session I'm ya best friend
I got a twin, we's a pair clocking size 10
Head's a shell, three stripes on side
Laces large, on your feets I reside
Keep me clean, keep me laced, and I'll be allright
I be the first element up in here tonight

Who am I? See, I'm the one that you be gripping tight
The one that makes you sound real good when you be flipping right
And I'm the one causing fights up at the open mic
I'll make ya sound real stupid if you don't hold me right
I got emcees fiending for me all day and night
I could care less if ya on me if ya black or white
See all that matters when you rock me don't be coming wack and
Don't hold me to the speaker or I'ma feedback and
I'm used for rapping, every now and the used for passng
Back and forth in ya crew in a freestyle fashion
I get rocked, ripped, flipped on and blasted,
I'm spoke on, choke on, hit on, spit on, and mastered
I've outlasted, been used to tell truth and lies
Used to kill the youth and used to open up they eyes
I come in all kinds of sizes, heard all kinds of voices
Sometimes I'm plugged in, you know sometimes I'm cordless
Keep me clear, keep me close, and I'll be allright
See I'm the second element up in here tonight

Who am I? I got two heads and they always spinning
I got two arms that the deejays, they use for ripping
Plus a fader in my middle that they always gripping
I'm completed with the two records used for mixing
They pulling tricks and cutting up, ya know they scratching
Remixing beat, juggling just whie they mix and match and
All kinds of beats till it's the heat that I know ya catching
And I'm the one that started hip-hop in case ya asking
I got knobs and faders in a mad abundance
I come in many names, but most time it's 1200
When I get played now, you know that you truly love it
Now clean the needle on my arm or I'll be sounding busted
I'm disregarded, treated like I ain't legitimate
I'm making music, you don't see me as an instrument
And it takes true skills to get on me and be ripping it
Nobody sees my contribution, they ain't getting it
You know there's one thing that really now makes me mad
You used to blow me off but now I'm the latest fad
I'm the thing that every rock band they got's to have
Now people say my name and they be like "Now what is that?"
Keep me running, keep me spinning, and I'll be allright
I'll be the third element up in here tonight

Who am I? Se I'm hiding in your backpack
You tear my tip off, replace it with a fat cap
I'm 12 oz. of steel concealed in a knapsack
Ya pull me out, ya shake me up, and then attack that
Wall or train while ya steady throwing up your name
Leaving these end to end burners, ya getting ghetto fame
Now me and my brothers, ya know we come in many colors
Steady beautifying the walls of a ghetto culture
Toys and suckers now you know they getting dissed quick
I'm going all city all up in ya district
Ya hold me with control so I never drip thick
I'm tagging up ya spot, nobody misses it
See I'm the brush to a modern day type DiVinci
I'm the new urban renewal for ya block's committee
I've spoken words of the youth of an inner city
I'm vandalism but to others I'll be called graffiti
Keep me shaking, keep me spraying, and I'll be allright
I be the fourth element up in here tonight

Who am I? See I'm the God that you don't know about
I gave you breath up in your lungs that you can't go without
See you know the facts of My story you been told about
I'm always reaching out for you but you just keep on holding out
I know your doubts, I know you're thinking that I ain't real
See I know you forgot about Me when you got ya last record deal
See I know the way you feel, I walked the earth just like you
And like a child up in his Father's arms, I long to hide you
Many times I invite you while standing here right besides you
But you walk right past, you ignore My hands here given to guide you
I gave you gifts, I gave you talents that you just used to gain your wealth
But you took my gifts and talents only for you, just to glorify yourself
I was beaten and bruised, crushed now for your iniquity
Stripped naked, I was spit upon just for you to live eternally
Yet you blaspheme Me, you make moves without asking Me
Then you blame Me for your troubles and calamaties, you kidding me?
Keep Me first, keep Me in your life, and it's gonna be allright
See I'm Jesus Christ, the Fifth Element up in here tonight

Pride and Prejudice

I know I posted yesterday and so sorry for anyone who actually reads all of these (Brent-you can skip some). I have been off for two days now and so I have lots more time to think and accomplish stuf so I can't promise there won't be yet another blog tommorow. This one will be much shorter....I swear.

So tonight I am in the best mood possible and it is simply because of a movie. It is crazy how movies can stir our emotions...I love it. My sister and I were out and about for her birthday tonight and decided to see a movie. She called me ahead and decided she wanted to see Pride and Prejudice and since I had not seen it yet I agreed. I absolutely decided this is my all time favorite movie. I adore any of these "old fashioned" romance movies. Before this my favorite was Little Women but this one tops it for me.

Why am I in such a great mood? Because I love characters like Lizzy. Growing up I was a bit of a tomboy and still am to some extent. Also I tend to be very strong and oppinionated. It seems I relate much more to characters in these type of movies like Lizzy and Joe(Little Women) and so get extremely fired up by movies like this. I guess it just makes me like my strong-minded, stuborn, tomboy ways because often women are portrayed in most movies as very different. I don't usually relate to them. I love the girls who don't care what they look like and are not afraid of men or sharing their oppinions. The ones who ask the questions, make assumtions, have way too much fun, walk barefoot in the rain, look people in the eye and don't always fit into the "typical", are sometimes a little to upfront, honest and loud. I guess it reminds me once again we are all made very unique.

My family only laughs because I try to convince them there is hope for me to get married. They think I am too spirited and picky when it comes to men. They can not stand that I am not dating and never have and are always upset with my decisions on who I rufuse to date. I like to tell them I am waiting on the Lord but I think they just assume I will be the "old spinster" type. They want me to flirt and dress to impress and I just laugh right back at them. I like to point out that it is possible (at least in Hollywood). If only it were like Hollywood. How many guys pursue like Darci? Hmmm....

So in the meantime I will just add this to my list of all time best movies ever. This will make it to my shelf quickly. And for the rest of you...this movie may not do it for you but you know there are ones that do. That is something I love about Hollywood. The ability to excite and stirr us up, to make us nervous or frightened, to make us feel suspense or pain, to make us want to fall in love, to make us cry, to laugh, to feel bold or (I don't know a lot of guy emotions but I know you have them). That my friends is a great thing.

Along for the ride

At the Paasch's again, sitting on the floor as the feeling begins to come back to the left side of my face. This is a rather funny feeling because the whole thing from my lip to my ear has been numb since about 9am and as the feeling returns it feels rather like when your leg or hand goes to sleep. Tingles everywhere...So instead of sleeping or thinking about the yogurt I get to eat for the next three days or so...I am contemplating.

I think a ton about life and my friends. People God has placed in my life and the circumstances surrounding them. I am thankful for my “family” and excited to be spending yet another day here. I often wonder what I would do with out them, as they have become a very close part of my life. I love spending time with the girls and just being around the family. Last night was so fun! We spent time chatting and watching a “cheesy” romance movie. The parents were gone so we all jumped into the big bed and giggled till we finally fell asleep. Moments like these in life are so simple yet so valuable.

The feeling is coming back and my jaw is beginning to hurt. I am left wondering if I should pop one of my painkillers (referred to by Mandy as "happy pills"). I decide against this because then I feel like I will be finding my dependence on pills rather then my own body to cope. The pain isn’t that bad. It is not something that I can’t handle. Don't we always find growth in pain? I think so. I like pushing myself just a little bit each time to make my body get stronger. This is not the type of pain that can't be forgotten but just keeping myself occupied makes me forget about it. My gum is starting to throb and I bite down harder on the gauze that is jabbed tightly in the spot that has still not stopped bleeding. Funny how such a small amount of physical pain can at times be so irritating and distracting.

What is pain? Pain is something that you feel, something that hurts. I spend time thinking about physical pain and how I can usually deal with it a lot easier then the emotional. I am remembering my past because of something that happened with a friend of a friend over the weekend and how her "protector" beat her. This hits home hard with me as I have a bit of a past with this. Mine was not my husband, for I have never been married. Mine, was my family. I think about what this woman is going through and a tear up a bit. I now have the strength I have based on my past but am left hurting for her and wondering how she is feeling.

Imagine if we didn't feel physical pain. Things would not hurt but then we would not know when something was wrong. If you burned your hand on the stove, you would not know it. If you had something going on inside your body, you also would not know it. Therefore even though it stinks, there are many reasons for physical pain. (I am just very thankful for adrenaline, which alleviates some of it.)
Then there is the emotional pain. This cut hurts much more then anything physically ever could and the effects are usually more extreme. There are many, many causes to emotional pain. Some of it is because of our own dumb mistakes and unwise decisions. Other times it is inflicted on us by others. What happens when you hurt? What happens when your emotional pain far outweighs the physical?

So many people ask to the why behind pain. Why does God allow these things? But then we have to remember we grow through pain. Pain shapes our lives and helps us to grow stronger. It also allows us to reach out to God knowing we have nothing else to get us through. Not that I am asking God for pain of any type, but realizing nothing is outside of Him. There is nothing He can't stop. He says He allows things for our good and so that we grow. Some pain is meant as a trial and these trials reveal character. It is part of the refining process and discipline. Discipline in itself is a good thing; it keeps us from becoming spoiled children. Even God disciplines although He never takes it to the point of abuse on any level. That is comforting to know what He does really is for our best. I think about the vs. in James and I Corinthians, but this one in Hebrews always seems to encourage me the most.
Hebrews 12:3-13

Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives." It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthy fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our own good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather then pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed.

I guess I think about this because of the impact our circumstances have on shaping us to who we are or who we will become. My family has had a deep impact on why I am who I am and sometimes I think I struggle with that. Sometimes you wish your past was different or people were different. There is no use in trying to change any of it or re-live it. I wonder about it often and like to see the changes God has made in my life. In this circumstance I am speaking of my biological family. I have also a church family that has come along side me and helped me more in the last year in a half then most people have in my lifetime. That was a difficult concept for me as I so often felt "failed" by my family, especially the males.

My family has always been a difficult one for me to be a part of. Do I hate God for any of it? No way. I love to see what He does with broken vessels and how He can mend us and put us back together. God has kept me so safe and so protected. I long for that and love seeing all the things He has brought me out of safely. I remember so many times in my life feeling completely broken. There were days I remember being crumpled on the floor in tears unable to move or pick myself of the floor because of inner pain as well as outer. Having grown up in a crazy family I have experienced physical abuse on many levels. Never so bad I was hospitalized, but enough to leave marks inside and outside. I really didn’t have it that bad and lived a very blessed life. I remember what this pain was like as an unbeliever. You feel pain so strong you don't know how to get yourself outside of it and you don’t know how to respond to it.

I remember even in high school not knowing where to go but feeling like I wanted to run. What happens when the people you put your trust in hurt you in the same way that you can't bear to be hurt again? When you have a past with physical abuse and you no longer trust anyone. How do you deal? I remember much depression and sadness. A life filled with emptiness and longing for that savior. I got a glimpse of that feeling one morning when my friend Dawnee came to the house to get me. I had been throwing up all night and was sleeping in a ball in on the bathroom floor. It had happened again. My grandparents who had always protected me growing up were having some mental problems and would out of anger attack me. My friend came in the bathroom and picked me up off the floor. She grimaced as she looked at my ear and the side of my neck. It had been scratched pretty good and the blood was dry and caked on. She hated blood but proceeded to clean me off. We left for the day and I just enjoyed getting away from my reality. I loved my friend as she was always "rescuing" someone who didn't know how to be rescued.

This type of thing didn't happen much at this age. However I was not emotional strong but actually very weak and unable to emotionally handle any of this occurrences. It hurts and is so upsetting even to this day that I can't handle abuse or anger. Yelling, screaming, attacking the people you love. I don’t understand this need for fighting or anger. In fact I despise it and emotionally can not be around it. I get physically ill from this and have to leave the situation because I end up getting so nauseous. But outwardly I have learned how to act strong.

It was two or three years later that I became a believer and found out what being "saved" really meant. When Christ stepped into my life and began to fill that void I began to understand complete and perfect love. That doesn't mean I forgot my past or that all my problems disappeared. On one level, they actually began as my family began to disown me for my faith. I was unwilling to give it up as emotionally messed us as I was for a found a place of peace, a place of trust, and a place of rest. This was a first and a beginning of something great.

It’s funny to see how my life is now. I have become a very strong person because of this. I can fight to defend myself when necessary and can deal when I have to. Behind that, there is also much weakness. There is a lot more weakness then I would ever show. You find out going through life if you show people weakness, they will use is against you. I remember learning that quickly. If people’s main intention is to hurt you, you don’t let them know how they can. You become defiant in the face of danger and walk directly up and look into the eyes of the person hitting you so you show not one ounce of weakness. That way they don’t see your fear or weakness and they become fearful themselves. They have lost the control over you which is what they fought so hard for. They can hurt you physically but you try not to allow them to hurt you emotionally. And even if they do, they don’t know you are weak and they will never get the satisfaction of knowing it. I hate that people feed of this type of power or control over others.

Now I look back and love seeing God’s hand in each and every situation. The protection He offered and how He will use me the way He shaped me in the lives of others around me. There are so many ways I am still growing but I know trust and what that looks like. I know love and that it is worth waiting for. I know peace and fulfillment. I also am left thinking about how people often fear or are intimidated by those of us who are the “tough girls.” But being one myself, I know it’s all a façade. Well, a lot of it anyway. Some of the strength God gave me is genuine but I can definitely put on the act. Because of this it makes me reach out to others like me without fear. I am not scared of other “tough girls” but know they need Christ just like I needed Him. Can I glorify God with who He has made me? I wouldn't know how to do it any other way. Besides, God will continue to shape me and mold me to who He wants me to be and I am just along for the ride.