Woke up this morning and already broke rule one. Funny how the mind works so it appears this will be a process for me since I am always trying to figure life out. Perhaps I will struggle through the rest of today and work myself into tomorrow. Some things Cathy said last night are just rambling through my mind today though thankfully not until I woke myself up at 6a.m. Lots yet to do this morning but I just want these things out so I can walk away from them for at least a few hours.
Guarding ones heart is continually important. She continues to urge me to guard mine and not wait on any man. I figured this out just a couple months ago this year and am still figuring out exactly what this means. Why would I wait or hold out for things that may never be? This goes many directions in life but especially with regards to my heart. I am at the point where I have a great friend and now I am the one telling people how much I love him but how I have no intentions with him. I now have to make sure that we don't appear like we are dating and that is very, very difficult to do. I did wait on him. I waited on him for a really long time and through it realized how amazing he is and how much fun I have with him and how perfect at times it seems but how I know that when we are alone, or when it comes time for me to do something random or crazy...he is not the type to do it or be there with me.
I remember my previous mentors telling me at one point in life about just chasing God. One day you will look around and find out that there is someone going your direction and chasing Him with you. It is then that you will notice each other and then you know it is just right. He is not that for me but I love him and care so dearly for him and his family. He has been there for me so much lately and a true friend. It is not him I am waiting for. Unless God dramatically changes my situation I am waiting on something else. I don't know if I have seen it or found it yet but it is difficult to work through. How do you wait and find the guy who makes it clear? No games, being patient but not holding my heart for....if a guy is worthy and he wants you he will make it known. So, that is what I am to wait for. I cannot invest in a maybe. Maybes go on for days and months and sometimes years with a broken and invested heart. The others are not attached to me in the same way so all it manages to do is create an attachment that is unhealthy. Holding on to what I want, to what I can't seem to let go of has taught me a lot.
It took two very difficult situations with this guy to get us where we are now. I get it though and I understand it and now he gets no part of my affection that belongs to the man God has made me for. That, would be unfair to both him and my future. That would also be unfair to hang around and hope that the more I loved him the more he would love me. I did that for so long and thankfully God has made that situation even clearer the last month or so. With that said I have to now be very careful how it looks. If to every guy that is in my life it appears as though him and I are in a relationship I will have little opportunity to experience new relationships and friendships but may be blinded and content in this one. That is also not what I want since now is when I just have to run toward Christ and find the one who is running near me.
There is so much to wait on in life and sometimes it comes to letting go and other times it comes to being patient. There is a fine line but God all I ask is that You continue to allow me to wait on only those things I have to learn patience through and not the ones that I am just trying to hold on to. May You teach me the difference and may I lovingly give to You the things that I want realizing that You know best. May I believe that even when I think I know best. May I only wait God on You and be patient in You rest and in Your presence. May You prepare me and hold my heart fast until Your time. I am not sure what that is or what it looks like but God may I not try and give it to any less worthy thing then You. Guide me and give me strength to follow You and run hard and fast throwing off everything that would trip me or hinder my journey. Teach me to trust You and fall down and let go. Make Your plans clear and help me to guard the heart You give me.
While I'm Waiting
by John Waller
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait
I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
The Challenge
Bound up in a Coyotees blanket near the couch I sit. I am freezing in my own house at all times it appears. Good thing my room has it's own temperature control because I think I am officially a popsicle. In fact I might have to shower in super hot water before I even make it another sentance inward. I have decided I need to stop blogging again because it is time consuming. However, I keep talking myself back into for various reason with one being I need to think some things out and I don't write as fast as I type.
Tonight was blessed with a nice visit to my mentors house. I love them so much and cannot possibly be thankful enough for Cathy and the Wright family. It was such a smooth and God led shift from the Paasch's who live in another country to the Wright family and I cannot forget how God works His hand in my life. I seem to forget this in everything else but look at how faithful God continues to be yet I feel like I have to figure it out. Tonight, she left me with a challenge and a difficult one. The time frame begins with only one day though at first she was asking for a week. Through this challenge I am certain to see God more then I am at the moment. The day I choose will be a day when specific subjects pop up I am to not think on them for one second but immediatly pray and only focus on God. My churning mind is going to have to practice the "taking captive every thought" I mentioned Sunday. How funny it was that precisely some of the things that were on my mind just days ago she broght up.
So, whatever day it is I am to make my mind obediant to Christ. I am not to try and figure life out or plan but just find a rest and pursue God as my most treasured. There are some other stipulations as well including a non-facebook day to illeviate any possible distractions and I have considered turning my phone off as well but she will be praying and texting me through the day so perhaps not that. I guess there is a lot of focus to work on and put in practice and not allow my mind to make decisions that not only do I not have to make but that God directs the flow of anyways. Plus, the other craziness that often directs my life has to be second no matter what I feel like I should be doing at the moment. Giving up some things will be easier when I really give them over and just give the time I like to spend thinking about things to a better use and the only true and worthy deity.
Tomorrow may be just that day and the time. Tonight I pray in preparation and hope to learn self control and mind control in it. I need to know God more and really trust Him and really let go. After much discussion this evening I realized how much I force change. I may not need to be in control of a situation but I do need change and can't leave things how they are. I want answers if they are good or bad if they are yes or not. I want direction always and have little patience for standing still and pausing. It is in those moments I hold my breath and then I gasp and realize I have to make something move even if I force a negative one. This part of my personality is very difficult to grasp when I cannot force God to change a single thing. Maybe all He wants for me is to stand still and breathe. How is that possible? Change is what I pursue...always.
I make decisions quickly and I can leave just as quickly. Sticking around is so much more difficult. I can pull someone in my life and then can give up and walk away and put up a wall so big they will never cross over. Few have made it in my life after the wall goes up and it is only because of them and not because of me. My flinch is if your not in how I want you then get out. Not such a good trait and something I really have to learn through right now. I need to be content with life even if there are moments whith pauses. God, help me to do this and figure it out. May I trust You in this. May I not always pursue a different direction but sometimes work through the ones I am in. May I always be running for You and toward You. God, why is this so difficult for me? Why must I always go and always run and always change directions? Help me to trust and believe what You say. Help me to learn the lessons You are giving to me without my pride controlling the sitation. May I stick to what I said I am doing over the next few months and not jump to ten other things at full speed. Give me a love stronger and deeper for You and help me Lord to make it through tomorrow. May it be a lesson and a focus point. May my days and nights be for You.
The day winds down and this on my mind. Lots to accoplish but I cannot think on those things. Tonight...it is God. Tomorrow is a new day and one I am hopeful for. Blanket and I are going to bed early tonight and very hopeful I am not again awakened at 4 a.m. with thoughts going through my busy, buys mind. One day, one week, one month, one year, one lifetime. God holds all time in His hand and may my urgency be guided and directed by You and not by my own desires or sins or plans. Goodnight Father, I love You.
Tonight was blessed with a nice visit to my mentors house. I love them so much and cannot possibly be thankful enough for Cathy and the Wright family. It was such a smooth and God led shift from the Paasch's who live in another country to the Wright family and I cannot forget how God works His hand in my life. I seem to forget this in everything else but look at how faithful God continues to be yet I feel like I have to figure it out. Tonight, she left me with a challenge and a difficult one. The time frame begins with only one day though at first she was asking for a week. Through this challenge I am certain to see God more then I am at the moment. The day I choose will be a day when specific subjects pop up I am to not think on them for one second but immediatly pray and only focus on God. My churning mind is going to have to practice the "taking captive every thought" I mentioned Sunday. How funny it was that precisely some of the things that were on my mind just days ago she broght up.
So, whatever day it is I am to make my mind obediant to Christ. I am not to try and figure life out or plan but just find a rest and pursue God as my most treasured. There are some other stipulations as well including a non-facebook day to illeviate any possible distractions and I have considered turning my phone off as well but she will be praying and texting me through the day so perhaps not that. I guess there is a lot of focus to work on and put in practice and not allow my mind to make decisions that not only do I not have to make but that God directs the flow of anyways. Plus, the other craziness that often directs my life has to be second no matter what I feel like I should be doing at the moment. Giving up some things will be easier when I really give them over and just give the time I like to spend thinking about things to a better use and the only true and worthy deity.
Tomorrow may be just that day and the time. Tonight I pray in preparation and hope to learn self control and mind control in it. I need to know God more and really trust Him and really let go. After much discussion this evening I realized how much I force change. I may not need to be in control of a situation but I do need change and can't leave things how they are. I want answers if they are good or bad if they are yes or not. I want direction always and have little patience for standing still and pausing. It is in those moments I hold my breath and then I gasp and realize I have to make something move even if I force a negative one. This part of my personality is very difficult to grasp when I cannot force God to change a single thing. Maybe all He wants for me is to stand still and breathe. How is that possible? Change is what I pursue...always.
I make decisions quickly and I can leave just as quickly. Sticking around is so much more difficult. I can pull someone in my life and then can give up and walk away and put up a wall so big they will never cross over. Few have made it in my life after the wall goes up and it is only because of them and not because of me. My flinch is if your not in how I want you then get out. Not such a good trait and something I really have to learn through right now. I need to be content with life even if there are moments whith pauses. God, help me to do this and figure it out. May I trust You in this. May I not always pursue a different direction but sometimes work through the ones I am in. May I always be running for You and toward You. God, why is this so difficult for me? Why must I always go and always run and always change directions? Help me to trust and believe what You say. Help me to learn the lessons You are giving to me without my pride controlling the sitation. May I stick to what I said I am doing over the next few months and not jump to ten other things at full speed. Give me a love stronger and deeper for You and help me Lord to make it through tomorrow. May it be a lesson and a focus point. May my days and nights be for You.
The day winds down and this on my mind. Lots to accoplish but I cannot think on those things. Tonight...it is God. Tomorrow is a new day and one I am hopeful for. Blanket and I are going to bed early tonight and very hopeful I am not again awakened at 4 a.m. with thoughts going through my busy, buys mind. One day, one week, one month, one year, one lifetime. God holds all time in His hand and may my urgency be guided and directed by You and not by my own desires or sins or plans. Goodnight Father, I love You.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Focusing.
Eggnog latte in my tummy warming my inside hopefully enough to send a heat wave through the rest of my body. It has been a two bath and one shower just to thaw frequently kind of day. My mind is racing but faster then normal because it rarely stops. Tiredness is trying to settle in and my journal is somewhere in my room leaving the fasted rate of dictation to be in the form of typing a blog. Fancy that and the wonderment of technology...it is a beautiful thing.
Tonight's message in church was perfect as the previous moments of the day have led me to thinking much about where I am at with God. This is not something that can be defined but being a continual thinker there are times I must keep my thoughts in check. I let my mind wonder down each and every direction it would like to go and can on occasion stray to where I don't want to go. In moments like these I am reminded that first off God's call is to obedience. He wants my obedience more then my sacrifice and when my mind is not focused on Him it tends to stray. I was realizing how much I talk about things and what topics are always on the tip of my tongue ready to burst forth into sound. Of late it is not things of God because I have seemed to be farther and more distracted.
I lingered over this thought today and how God calls me to take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ and how sometimes I let it slither sinful directions. How does anything that is not of God honor God? How can I possibly have excuses and think that it is OK to think what I want? Thoughts often drive my actions because I am such a quick mover so why do I not fill it with what I am called to? I am simply and easily distracted.
The message tonight was great because it leads into things I had thought about and is a great encouragement to jump on the bandwagon of things I desire to pursue. I have often talked about mission and service for the Lord. I have talked some about school, much about guys, sometimes about songs and heart stirrings. I am an action person with tons of energy but sometimes feel like a ping pong ball trying to jump in every direction at one time. I need to take it down a couple notches and try and stay focused on only a limited number of things. I need to be committed to something and stick with it even when I can't breath and when I want nothing more then to run with everything inside of me. I need to feel You when I am on my knees and mean it when I pursue You and pray till I want nothing and no one else. I need You so badly. I ache for You and I try over and over again to fill that with anything that seems handy. Forgive me Father for that. It breaks my heart how easy I sin. How easily I break communion and how my sin and dwelling on things only separates me from You and Your perfect presence. On my knees God, on my knees. May my heart be stirred in every facet and filled by You.
In the moments my mind fills up by my own thoughts and worries I am living in sin. I try and figure things out all on my own and somehow believe that I am capable. If I just do this or say that or find this or turn from that somehow it will all make sense. However, I realize how much my self-focus is actually doing the opposite entirely and how much I need You to help me see outside of that at times. May I see others needs as above my own and pursue godliness and be truly broken. I am so strong and so stubborn God that I often believe I have to see your plan. I don't I just have to trust it.
With all this comes a time where I am trying to simplify life just slightly and not fill it so full that I can't see anything else. I really want to begin working on a brand new ministry project and Father I am begging for Your strength and direction in this. If it is Your will Father bring some ideas or person or direction for me to follow in the pursuit and make it clear if this is the direction You have me. My heart feels empty and useless God when I don't feel opportunities to share You and God I pray this is only the beginning. I know what You have made me for and see the gifts and talents that right now I am not using. May You bring them to life for You and for Your glory. I start the research now God may You be my lead and my I just chase You and no one else for You are the only one who I am supposed to pursue.
Highlights from tonight's message added only to my already churning mind so much to the point I did not stay in church for the ending. Rushing to the paper I go to capture the ideas God. Thank You so much for allowing me to be such a passionate person and Lord please continue to mold and refine this constantly broken vessel. What we believe determines how we behave. This is crazy true because what we believe about You and the world and every action we make or don't make is based off what we believe. So, we should just be able to watch the lives around us or in my case I took a look at my one life to asses what I believe based off my actions as of late.
I know what turns me on and what stirs me up and in that God need to pursue those things and the Word. I can't know You and feel You and be filled by You if it is only in mind. If I want something bad enough I will chase it and chase it hard but the only one I am called to chase is You. I will pursue You as a treasure just as one day that is how I would like to be pursued. Another thing Tyler brought up this evening was the idea that humans live out of our hearts. So, if something other then You is captivating me it will effect every area of my life and I can tell. I can tell right now it is not You and forgive me God how that breaks my heart. I wonder why I don't have answers and why things don't make sense and why I have to just walk away but I fail to be captivated by You and in doing so cannot possibly see things clearly anyway.
This weakness worries me because I don't like the up and downs God and the moments I stumble so roughly along. I don't want to be like this but I am. How much I want You. How much I ache for You. May Your spirit be alive in me Father and may I be evidence of You. How much I need to be patient in everything. I can so easily and quickly move along through life changing directions in two seconds. I can walk away. I can give up. I can move on and cling to other things. That is not what Your trying to teach me but to hold on to You. I don't. I let hurt drive me. I let fear live in me and alter my thoughts. May I know Your protection and trust the pain You allow. May I not replace the pain with someone or something else. I need to breathe. I need Your continual forgiveness and God I beg again for a true and humble brokenness. I want to see sin as my separation from You and understand the seriousness of it. I just ache for You. May I fall in love God with You. May I live my life for no one Else's eyes God. It is for You alone now may I keep that perspective in check. I don't care if I say to much God thank You for making me real. Thank You for the amazing energy and joy and for the ways You allow me to delight in You and in life. Father, I need You to be my Father. Fill my aching heart, my aching arms, my cup.
Tonight's message in church was perfect as the previous moments of the day have led me to thinking much about where I am at with God. This is not something that can be defined but being a continual thinker there are times I must keep my thoughts in check. I let my mind wonder down each and every direction it would like to go and can on occasion stray to where I don't want to go. In moments like these I am reminded that first off God's call is to obedience. He wants my obedience more then my sacrifice and when my mind is not focused on Him it tends to stray. I was realizing how much I talk about things and what topics are always on the tip of my tongue ready to burst forth into sound. Of late it is not things of God because I have seemed to be farther and more distracted.
I lingered over this thought today and how God calls me to take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ and how sometimes I let it slither sinful directions. How does anything that is not of God honor God? How can I possibly have excuses and think that it is OK to think what I want? Thoughts often drive my actions because I am such a quick mover so why do I not fill it with what I am called to? I am simply and easily distracted.
The message tonight was great because it leads into things I had thought about and is a great encouragement to jump on the bandwagon of things I desire to pursue. I have often talked about mission and service for the Lord. I have talked some about school, much about guys, sometimes about songs and heart stirrings. I am an action person with tons of energy but sometimes feel like a ping pong ball trying to jump in every direction at one time. I need to take it down a couple notches and try and stay focused on only a limited number of things. I need to be committed to something and stick with it even when I can't breath and when I want nothing more then to run with everything inside of me. I need to feel You when I am on my knees and mean it when I pursue You and pray till I want nothing and no one else. I need You so badly. I ache for You and I try over and over again to fill that with anything that seems handy. Forgive me Father for that. It breaks my heart how easy I sin. How easily I break communion and how my sin and dwelling on things only separates me from You and Your perfect presence. On my knees God, on my knees. May my heart be stirred in every facet and filled by You.
In the moments my mind fills up by my own thoughts and worries I am living in sin. I try and figure things out all on my own and somehow believe that I am capable. If I just do this or say that or find this or turn from that somehow it will all make sense. However, I realize how much my self-focus is actually doing the opposite entirely and how much I need You to help me see outside of that at times. May I see others needs as above my own and pursue godliness and be truly broken. I am so strong and so stubborn God that I often believe I have to see your plan. I don't I just have to trust it.
With all this comes a time where I am trying to simplify life just slightly and not fill it so full that I can't see anything else. I really want to begin working on a brand new ministry project and Father I am begging for Your strength and direction in this. If it is Your will Father bring some ideas or person or direction for me to follow in the pursuit and make it clear if this is the direction You have me. My heart feels empty and useless God when I don't feel opportunities to share You and God I pray this is only the beginning. I know what You have made me for and see the gifts and talents that right now I am not using. May You bring them to life for You and for Your glory. I start the research now God may You be my lead and my I just chase You and no one else for You are the only one who I am supposed to pursue.
Highlights from tonight's message added only to my already churning mind so much to the point I did not stay in church for the ending. Rushing to the paper I go to capture the ideas God. Thank You so much for allowing me to be such a passionate person and Lord please continue to mold and refine this constantly broken vessel. What we believe determines how we behave. This is crazy true because what we believe about You and the world and every action we make or don't make is based off what we believe. So, we should just be able to watch the lives around us or in my case I took a look at my one life to asses what I believe based off my actions as of late.
I know what turns me on and what stirs me up and in that God need to pursue those things and the Word. I can't know You and feel You and be filled by You if it is only in mind. If I want something bad enough I will chase it and chase it hard but the only one I am called to chase is You. I will pursue You as a treasure just as one day that is how I would like to be pursued. Another thing Tyler brought up this evening was the idea that humans live out of our hearts. So, if something other then You is captivating me it will effect every area of my life and I can tell. I can tell right now it is not You and forgive me God how that breaks my heart. I wonder why I don't have answers and why things don't make sense and why I have to just walk away but I fail to be captivated by You and in doing so cannot possibly see things clearly anyway.
This weakness worries me because I don't like the up and downs God and the moments I stumble so roughly along. I don't want to be like this but I am. How much I want You. How much I ache for You. May Your spirit be alive in me Father and may I be evidence of You. How much I need to be patient in everything. I can so easily and quickly move along through life changing directions in two seconds. I can walk away. I can give up. I can move on and cling to other things. That is not what Your trying to teach me but to hold on to You. I don't. I let hurt drive me. I let fear live in me and alter my thoughts. May I know Your protection and trust the pain You allow. May I not replace the pain with someone or something else. I need to breathe. I need Your continual forgiveness and God I beg again for a true and humble brokenness. I want to see sin as my separation from You and understand the seriousness of it. I just ache for You. May I fall in love God with You. May I live my life for no one Else's eyes God. It is for You alone now may I keep that perspective in check. I don't care if I say to much God thank You for making me real. Thank You for the amazing energy and joy and for the ways You allow me to delight in You and in life. Father, I need You to be my Father. Fill my aching heart, my aching arms, my cup.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Oh just a Christmas Eve
Tonight ended with eggnog. I did not drink it but sat the cup in front of me with a thankful ending to the evening.(I did have a bit earlier though) Too much sometimes are family holidays and gatherings for me. We all have the family situations that arise but it seems difficult for me to be with my family. I feel so weak and so unprotected and just wish I could be more myself instead of always on edge at these functions. Tonight was no different at least until the ending of the evening. I sat over a cup of eggnog and chatted with Sam. Simple, calm, and I loved the mellow and calmness.
God's ways are right and true and I fail so miserable already. This, I know and I am so far from where I will and want to be and yet I don't like having to deal with ridicule for the way I choose to live. Such a slight bit of persecution but my heart is much softer then I choose to show. It feels sometimes so deeply it is almost something physical. There are good and bad things that overwhelm me at times and I like that I feel so deep but I don't like it when I feel so open and unprotected. I long sometimes for the physical protection, for arms I can be wrapped up in, to just feel safe in someones company.....and I know that comes from Christ.
A strange situation and an uncomfortable one was brought on not only by my ideals and the gospel which I live for but just because of my lack of comforming. I understand that this may be the only persecution that I deal with in my life but sometimes when it is family or friends it is much more difficult to know how to respond. A certain guy who tries to win my attention and affection and a family friend told me he was my present before getting down on one knee to act out a marriage proposal. Following this came up the virgin discussion. For real why can't people just let me pursue and believe the truth and what God has to offer in a marriage relationship and a marriage bed and not take that as an opportunity to get on me? They do not understand and God's word tells me they will not but sometimes it is difficult to be made fun of for it. So after several rounds of shots fired at me and my virginity...I walked inside to just be still for a bit. Irritated but only one of the things on my mind so the situation has passed and now I must just find a way to honor God in it.
There are a thousand things going through my head right now and few I have answers for but it is not my place God that is Yours. I beg of You to help me just run that much harder toward you throwing off all things that hinder me and striving toward Your truth. I should love them and just humbly submit the reasons I choose to live the way I do and know how to respond when I become the joke of the evening. I should be strong enough to face opposition knowing it is an opportunity...I wish sometimes I were stronger but God You allow me to be a weak vessel. It is then that I see You, that I need You, that I ache for You and for home.
There are song lyrics that linger in my head and some newer ones from a worship CD. It is funny because they have more to do with the physical longing which I deeply understand. There is a physical ache that right now Father only You can satisfy. I tend to be a very touch oriented and physical person so some of these songs just make sense to me and touch on both the heart longing and the physical. God, may You be my complete....my completed everything! So, as the ramblings of this blog are more my thinking on paper I am compelled to leave some of the simple lyrics behind. How much music speaks volumes to me and how thankful I am Father for the ears to hear it...it moves my heart in so many wonderful ways...thank You I can sing to it and dance to it and feel it...
I Cannot Hide My Love
From Enter the Worship Circle
HOLY SPIRIT, I NEED YOUR TOUCH
MORE THAN EVER BEFORE
OH JESUS, I NEED YOUR LOVE
AND I`M DESPERATE FOR MORE (2X)WHEN I FEEL YOUR PRESENCE ALL AROUND ME
WHEN I FEEL YOUR ARMS AS THEY SURROUND MEI CAN NOT HIDE MY LOVE, I CAN NOT HIDE MY LOVE
MY FEET WILL HAVE TO DANCE
I CAN NOT HIDE MY LOVE, I CAN NOT HIDE MY LOVE
MY HEART WILL HAVE TO SING
Be Near To Me
from Enter the Worship Circle
MY HEART IS BROKEN, MY SPIRIT CRUSHED
THERE IS ACHING IN THESE ARMS
TO FEEL YOUR TOUCHBE NEAR TO ME, BE NEAR TO ME
I WILL TASTE AND SEE
THAT YOU ARE GOOD, SO GOOD
RESCUE ME QUICKLY, LORD HEAR MY CRY
I AM REACHING OUT MY HANDS
MY SOUL IS DRY
God's ways are right and true and I fail so miserable already. This, I know and I am so far from where I will and want to be and yet I don't like having to deal with ridicule for the way I choose to live. Such a slight bit of persecution but my heart is much softer then I choose to show. It feels sometimes so deeply it is almost something physical. There are good and bad things that overwhelm me at times and I like that I feel so deep but I don't like it when I feel so open and unprotected. I long sometimes for the physical protection, for arms I can be wrapped up in, to just feel safe in someones company.....and I know that comes from Christ.
A strange situation and an uncomfortable one was brought on not only by my ideals and the gospel which I live for but just because of my lack of comforming. I understand that this may be the only persecution that I deal with in my life but sometimes when it is family or friends it is much more difficult to know how to respond. A certain guy who tries to win my attention and affection and a family friend told me he was my present before getting down on one knee to act out a marriage proposal. Following this came up the virgin discussion. For real why can't people just let me pursue and believe the truth and what God has to offer in a marriage relationship and a marriage bed and not take that as an opportunity to get on me? They do not understand and God's word tells me they will not but sometimes it is difficult to be made fun of for it. So after several rounds of shots fired at me and my virginity...I walked inside to just be still for a bit. Irritated but only one of the things on my mind so the situation has passed and now I must just find a way to honor God in it.
There are a thousand things going through my head right now and few I have answers for but it is not my place God that is Yours. I beg of You to help me just run that much harder toward you throwing off all things that hinder me and striving toward Your truth. I should love them and just humbly submit the reasons I choose to live the way I do and know how to respond when I become the joke of the evening. I should be strong enough to face opposition knowing it is an opportunity...I wish sometimes I were stronger but God You allow me to be a weak vessel. It is then that I see You, that I need You, that I ache for You and for home.
There are song lyrics that linger in my head and some newer ones from a worship CD. It is funny because they have more to do with the physical longing which I deeply understand. There is a physical ache that right now Father only You can satisfy. I tend to be a very touch oriented and physical person so some of these songs just make sense to me and touch on both the heart longing and the physical. God, may You be my complete....my completed everything! So, as the ramblings of this blog are more my thinking on paper I am compelled to leave some of the simple lyrics behind. How much music speaks volumes to me and how thankful I am Father for the ears to hear it...it moves my heart in so many wonderful ways...thank You I can sing to it and dance to it and feel it...
I Cannot Hide My Love
From Enter the Worship Circle
HOLY SPIRIT, I NEED YOUR TOUCH
MORE THAN EVER BEFORE
OH JESUS, I NEED YOUR LOVE
AND I`M DESPERATE FOR MORE (2X)WHEN I FEEL YOUR PRESENCE ALL AROUND ME
WHEN I FEEL YOUR ARMS AS THEY SURROUND MEI CAN NOT HIDE MY LOVE, I CAN NOT HIDE MY LOVE
MY FEET WILL HAVE TO DANCE
I CAN NOT HIDE MY LOVE, I CAN NOT HIDE MY LOVE
MY HEART WILL HAVE TO SING
Be Near To Me
from Enter the Worship Circle
MY HEART IS BROKEN, MY SPIRIT CRUSHED
THERE IS ACHING IN THESE ARMS
TO FEEL YOUR TOUCHBE NEAR TO ME, BE NEAR TO ME
I WILL TASTE AND SEE
THAT YOU ARE GOOD, SO GOOD
RESCUE ME QUICKLY, LORD HEAR MY CRY
I AM REACHING OUT MY HANDS
MY SOUL IS DRY
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Contemplation
A nice cup of greenlike substance sits off to the side of me. A supposedly heathly mixture of green drink from Trader Joe's that should have been a warning to me when they had to label it "tastes great". Anytime something has to be labeled as such I know I should not purchase such item but since I figured it would be similar to spiralina I thought it a wise and healthy choice. So, I mix the powder into a nice cold class of "fresh" (how long ago does this mean it was squeezed) Naked juice O.J. to mask the potent taste. My eyes are tired and I have so much to clean and organize over the next few days. Running and working out are also in my mind but the things that do not leave are more distracting and should not be blogged about but when have I ever followed the rules well?
Constantly confused by the male sex I sit again wondering why and what. It is getting easier for me to walk away to just give up and forget and leave situations that seem to have no conclusion to them. The questions are always un-answered and the lack of answers always hurts me. The way life looks is not how it seems and I have not ever been a grass is always greener person though I have never had to commit either. Things are not always as they appear and this goes from both the public view and our own private one. Having to filter out a friendship here can be very difficult as it seems we are together and more then just friends apparently at all times. Sometimes I guess it would be easy to pretend and cling to that relationship because it is easy. There is no commitment or nothing real about it but he is in my life at least three days a week and on paper the "perfect" guy. It would be so easy to fall into the illusion that he is worth waiting for. I know better I know that he is not perfect for me. I know he is an amazing brother who I would not do without and who I am so thankful for. But Father, ah, I know it is not right even when it would have the apperance at times of being that way.
The part that is more confusing and harder to stomach is the way male female relationships work. Once again I have yet to find one that is purely platonic and it causes so much struggle. So, now as I am left in the continual wake of these friendships I have to deal with the waves. This...sucks....and I don't know my role because guys never make it clear. I can't be friends and I get told don't be available or make sure he knows you like him or don't like him or blah, blah, blah...
I have yet to understand the mentality of men and the rules of follow and chase. The only way to know is to be told and now I am going to have a more difficult time trusting. You either want me or you don't this is not a game it is a decision. Funny how fast they can make the decisions and how fast they can walk away...there is so much here I would tend to say out of frustration and lack of understanding but since I somehow still like men I will hold my tongue and pray about my attitude.
So, this will never all make sense and all I get to do is wait it all out and try and maintain a godly attitude. Do I trust it...? Now all I want to do is to run from it and anything like it. I can't get caught up in the whirl wind of I don't know but am going to wait for a strong and godly direction and lead. Meanwhile this patience is painful and so is this entire process. Pulling on one heart-string and then the other. Is it worth it? What do I walk away from permanently, where do I forgive and where do I put my pride and hurt aside and give it a chance? Running....would be so much easier and I so want to take that route with everything in me. God, may I hold on to Your plan and be patient as you knit the details together because at this point there are some things only You can make clear and only You can fix. There is so much more I want to say but now....I can't....or I won't. Father, may I love you more and may I trust You even when You allow me to hurt and struggle through life.
Constantly confused by the male sex I sit again wondering why and what. It is getting easier for me to walk away to just give up and forget and leave situations that seem to have no conclusion to them. The questions are always un-answered and the lack of answers always hurts me. The way life looks is not how it seems and I have not ever been a grass is always greener person though I have never had to commit either. Things are not always as they appear and this goes from both the public view and our own private one. Having to filter out a friendship here can be very difficult as it seems we are together and more then just friends apparently at all times. Sometimes I guess it would be easy to pretend and cling to that relationship because it is easy. There is no commitment or nothing real about it but he is in my life at least three days a week and on paper the "perfect" guy. It would be so easy to fall into the illusion that he is worth waiting for. I know better I know that he is not perfect for me. I know he is an amazing brother who I would not do without and who I am so thankful for. But Father, ah, I know it is not right even when it would have the apperance at times of being that way.
The part that is more confusing and harder to stomach is the way male female relationships work. Once again I have yet to find one that is purely platonic and it causes so much struggle. So, now as I am left in the continual wake of these friendships I have to deal with the waves. This...sucks....and I don't know my role because guys never make it clear. I can't be friends and I get told don't be available or make sure he knows you like him or don't like him or blah, blah, blah...
I have yet to understand the mentality of men and the rules of follow and chase. The only way to know is to be told and now I am going to have a more difficult time trusting. You either want me or you don't this is not a game it is a decision. Funny how fast they can make the decisions and how fast they can walk away...there is so much here I would tend to say out of frustration and lack of understanding but since I somehow still like men I will hold my tongue and pray about my attitude.
So, this will never all make sense and all I get to do is wait it all out and try and maintain a godly attitude. Do I trust it...? Now all I want to do is to run from it and anything like it. I can't get caught up in the whirl wind of I don't know but am going to wait for a strong and godly direction and lead. Meanwhile this patience is painful and so is this entire process. Pulling on one heart-string and then the other. Is it worth it? What do I walk away from permanently, where do I forgive and where do I put my pride and hurt aside and give it a chance? Running....would be so much easier and I so want to take that route with everything in me. God, may I hold on to Your plan and be patient as you knit the details together because at this point there are some things only You can make clear and only You can fix. There is so much more I want to say but now....I can't....or I won't. Father, may I love you more and may I trust You even when You allow me to hurt and struggle through life.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Capable of but best for?
Today and the last few weeks I am back to realizing somethings in my life that are good but distract from the great. I am unwilling to let go and give up but in doing so fail to trust and try to pick up the pieces on my own. It has to be more then words but it is the words that circle in my head and keep my actions cold. I move swiftly in and out seeking out exactly what I deem worthy of my love and my time. The focus shift is dangerous and I so passionatly pursue with everything until that moment when I come into focus and then I quickly let go trying to run the other direction just as fast as I climbed in.
Tonights thought trap is school. Completely capable and yet completely stressed when I am in the dreadful thing. The worst part about school for me is that I know I can and I know that I am good at it. Sounds great and not terrible I am sure. However, with that said I am not doing school to glorify God. In fact, whenever I am in school I fail to even notice my Savior for my focus is directed on making myself exactly who I "should" be and not who I want to be. Somehow, I feel it makes me of more value and more knowledgable and in the end is a way for me to be in control of my own life. Life for me is so much more then this and my walk is seriously effected everytime I am in classes. How do I so quickly trade God for this?
I sit tonight just as I have many other times wondering why I cannot pursue and love both? Why can I not love You in the midst and why does it become too much to bare?Forgive me for giving up on You so easily chasing the worlds dream and failing to trust in Your plan. If something is this difficult what should I do with it? I keep holding on and keep pursuing "knowing" it is best but it has proven over and over that it fails and I quit on it and loose all the things you have made me for. I chase and chase the emptiness and labor in vain and none of it is for the kingdom but only for my selfish self. May You stir my direction and my heart and give me direction. Maybe now is not the time and maybe there never will be.
I am leaving the page tonight with one tidbit I learned from my economics class. Even things that are free, still have a cost to them. There is the time spent in doing the item and for me to work as much as I do and also do school I have to give up everything else...and in doing so I give up my relationship with God as well. Tonight, I am just going to pursue answers...I don't want to take on something else I am going to quit or that causes me to be unlike who You want me to be. I don't want to believe the world telling me I have to be this way or that way in order to be loved or valuable. I don't know if I can do this for three more years in fact I know I cannot. That should be my answer but this stubborn girl keeps trying to make stuff fit that is just not meant to.
I am not made for anything other then You and all You ask is my life in return. Father, forgive me for giving up the ministry I love and the ways You have gifted me in return for something that is of little kingdom value. May You show me what You want me to be and for now may I be willing to give it so easily. I give it to You Father and I let it go. The things I hope and dream belong to You.
Tonights thought trap is school. Completely capable and yet completely stressed when I am in the dreadful thing. The worst part about school for me is that I know I can and I know that I am good at it. Sounds great and not terrible I am sure. However, with that said I am not doing school to glorify God. In fact, whenever I am in school I fail to even notice my Savior for my focus is directed on making myself exactly who I "should" be and not who I want to be. Somehow, I feel it makes me of more value and more knowledgable and in the end is a way for me to be in control of my own life. Life for me is so much more then this and my walk is seriously effected everytime I am in classes. How do I so quickly trade God for this?
I sit tonight just as I have many other times wondering why I cannot pursue and love both? Why can I not love You in the midst and why does it become too much to bare?Forgive me for giving up on You so easily chasing the worlds dream and failing to trust in Your plan. If something is this difficult what should I do with it? I keep holding on and keep pursuing "knowing" it is best but it has proven over and over that it fails and I quit on it and loose all the things you have made me for. I chase and chase the emptiness and labor in vain and none of it is for the kingdom but only for my selfish self. May You stir my direction and my heart and give me direction. Maybe now is not the time and maybe there never will be.
I am leaving the page tonight with one tidbit I learned from my economics class. Even things that are free, still have a cost to them. There is the time spent in doing the item and for me to work as much as I do and also do school I have to give up everything else...and in doing so I give up my relationship with God as well. Tonight, I am just going to pursue answers...I don't want to take on something else I am going to quit or that causes me to be unlike who You want me to be. I don't want to believe the world telling me I have to be this way or that way in order to be loved or valuable. I don't know if I can do this for three more years in fact I know I cannot. That should be my answer but this stubborn girl keeps trying to make stuff fit that is just not meant to.
I am not made for anything other then You and all You ask is my life in return. Father, forgive me for giving up the ministry I love and the ways You have gifted me in return for something that is of little kingdom value. May You show me what You want me to be and for now may I be willing to give it so easily. I give it to You Father and I let it go. The things I hope and dream belong to You.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Blinding
Confusing is so blinding and painful. There is so much I don't understand and so much I am no longer sure if I want to . In protection mode is the home I cling to. I seem to wear my heart on my sleeve. In all this I try to see what God wants and what his plan is. I wonder if the situations reality is ever that which it seems. The way I feel when the bible tells me how deceitful my own heart is. I wish then it did not have so much sway over my actions.
It was only days ago I was realizing that God gives me that which I do not deserve already. For that I am not grateful enough or thankful enough. I do not thank Him in the difficult times but those are the only times I really see Him and see myself. I cannot believe how much my heart feels. It seems so often that there is little I can do but there is a physical feeling in my chest that is overwhelming at times. When I do feel I tend to have some very intense and difficult emotions and they seem to bombard me and I tend to be unable to know how to deal with them.
As life teaches me, molds me, refines me I sit awaiting what is next. The difficulty causes a deep growth that is unsettling but completely necessary. I give up trying to understand because I can make up so many reasons and so many regrets. I wish it were easier to break me down at this point because God hits so many areas at one time. It is a continually bombarsion when things seem to be going fine that finally draws me tight to Him looking for comfort. Sometimes finding and sometimes still seeking it. Strength worries me because though it is necessary I don't want to have to be made stronger.
So, I hope for now I can just rest and not be blinded by the confusion in my heart and emotions. My trust has been tested and is wavering. In fact, at this point I don't want to move another direction. I will simple try and fight and enjoy what God has in my life...and the things He takes out knowing there is a plan for everything that happens. But...needing Him to capture my heart first and foremost as I so easily try and give it away to far lesser things. Father, may I just have understanding and know what You want and what You ask of me. I am trying to figure it out and just to find You. You are so precious and so amazing and may I know that and not stray...I feel tested for the source of my joy. And, the world is watching. I know that life is not about the knowing or even the answers but about the journey to them and the responses I give. That...is the point....
Such a beautiful and painful place He has me...but....a completely necessary one. It is when nothing else satisfies that I find and cling to Him. I am thankful for the days but aware that I never stay. I am thankful I enjoy life so much but am at the realization that it is not always in the joyful times I run to Him...for me to run to my Father it will be through pain...the few and far between but really deep moments in my heart. May I trust. May I run. May I seek on my face before Him.
Pocket Full Of Rocks song
"Alive"
There was a time I was dead inside.
You'd call my name and I'd try to hide.
My heart was dark and so full of shame,
Full of shame.
But like the dawning of a brand new day
Your love has chased my shame away.
How amazing, now I hear You singing over me!
Over me!
Lively, I sing
Lively, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world knows the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive, I'm alive!
Well, every day I find Your mercy new.
And every moment that I spend with You
I am overwhelmed by Grace I can't keep to myself!
To myself!
Lively, I sing
Lively, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world knows the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive, I'm alive!
Lively, I sing
Lively, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world knows the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive, I'm alive!
Out of my sorrow, out of my night,
You called me into Glorious Light.
Where all of the lost, lonely and broken
Find Your Light.
Shine Your Light.
Lively, I sing
Lively, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world knows the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive
Lively, I sing
Lively, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive, I'm alive! Yeah,
I'm alive, I'm alive, yeah!
It was only days ago I was realizing that God gives me that which I do not deserve already. For that I am not grateful enough or thankful enough. I do not thank Him in the difficult times but those are the only times I really see Him and see myself. I cannot believe how much my heart feels. It seems so often that there is little I can do but there is a physical feeling in my chest that is overwhelming at times. When I do feel I tend to have some very intense and difficult emotions and they seem to bombard me and I tend to be unable to know how to deal with them.
As life teaches me, molds me, refines me I sit awaiting what is next. The difficulty causes a deep growth that is unsettling but completely necessary. I give up trying to understand because I can make up so many reasons and so many regrets. I wish it were easier to break me down at this point because God hits so many areas at one time. It is a continually bombarsion when things seem to be going fine that finally draws me tight to Him looking for comfort. Sometimes finding and sometimes still seeking it. Strength worries me because though it is necessary I don't want to have to be made stronger.
So, I hope for now I can just rest and not be blinded by the confusion in my heart and emotions. My trust has been tested and is wavering. In fact, at this point I don't want to move another direction. I will simple try and fight and enjoy what God has in my life...and the things He takes out knowing there is a plan for everything that happens. But...needing Him to capture my heart first and foremost as I so easily try and give it away to far lesser things. Father, may I just have understanding and know what You want and what You ask of me. I am trying to figure it out and just to find You. You are so precious and so amazing and may I know that and not stray...I feel tested for the source of my joy. And, the world is watching. I know that life is not about the knowing or even the answers but about the journey to them and the responses I give. That...is the point....
Such a beautiful and painful place He has me...but....a completely necessary one. It is when nothing else satisfies that I find and cling to Him. I am thankful for the days but aware that I never stay. I am thankful I enjoy life so much but am at the realization that it is not always in the joyful times I run to Him...for me to run to my Father it will be through pain...the few and far between but really deep moments in my heart. May I trust. May I run. May I seek on my face before Him.
Pocket Full Of Rocks song
"Alive"
There was a time I was dead inside.
You'd call my name and I'd try to hide.
My heart was dark and so full of shame,
Full of shame.
But like the dawning of a brand new day
Your love has chased my shame away.
How amazing, now I hear You singing over me!
Over me!
Lively, I sing
Lively, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world knows the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive, I'm alive!
Well, every day I find Your mercy new.
And every moment that I spend with You
I am overwhelmed by Grace I can't keep to myself!
To myself!
Lively, I sing
Lively, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world knows the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive, I'm alive!
Lively, I sing
Lively, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world knows the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive, I'm alive!
Out of my sorrow, out of my night,
You called me into Glorious Light.
Where all of the lost, lonely and broken
Find Your Light.
Shine Your Light.
Lively, I sing
Lively, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world knows the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive
Lively, I sing
Lively, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive, I'm alive! Yeah,
I'm alive, I'm alive, yeah!
Friday, August 21, 2009
Too Much
Sitting here with my black framed glasses on as my eyes grow more and more lazy and dependant I have come to the conclusion that Grapenuts is in fact the perfect food. Though neither grape nor nut it just always sounds good and is a great and healthy substitute for either breakfast, lunch, dinner or a good frustration snack and since your getting a serving of dairy and fiber it appears to be one of the great things in life.
I am at this very moment in the state of utter exhaustion from a very long week and now looking forward I am realizing that I cannot possibly ever be board because I simply don't allow a moment to breathe let alone stop thinking. You know your pretty bad off when you have to play music at a fairly distracting volume in order to quiet the noise within. Perhaps this is insanity or maybe it is normal for the 3 parts of the enneagram numbers that I am excited to say are located in the "thinking" triad. So, in fact it is really just the way I am wired which is very unfortunate for all of you because that leaves for an overabundance of verbage at any and every available moment of the day and sometimes night.
The newest problems my mind is allowed to recycle through are the things I have yet to try but are on my newest task list of things today. I often say to people "oh, I am not really a planner...." but in fact that is the biggest misrepresentation of me as I in fact plan just about every moment of the day. (Let me clarify that statement as I do not plan the moments themselves but am always mentally planning something in my head) Finishing anything then becomes the actual problem but I start everything with an amazing excitement and passion so these things are going to be the same.
Now, I know your dying with anticipation for me to tell you the new plans I have (or to shut up) but either way for me it is more the telling and suspense that entertains then the actual. So, the non-sequential order of tasks which I would put in a check box form if I had any skills regarding computers are as follows; Running (in order to run a half-marathon in January), the ACTs (are you crazy I wait until ten years after college to take this on), an attempt at a Marketing degree, an attempt at ignoring the opposite sex (that will most likely last the next 8 hours...or at least as long as I am sleeping), and most important....really giving God the first place in my life and pursuing that above all else.
Problem 1: I plan but cannot keep a schedule for the life of me.
Problem 2: I cannot possibly accomplish these things as well without a plan or schedule to make them happen
Problem 3: I am a bit scattered
Problem 4: Christ is never enough in my life and I just don't know how to pursue Him better
Problem 5: I think these glasses might actually be making me blind when I was not blind before.
Problem 6: This week has been emotionally trying beyond belief and since then I have decided to purchase stock in Visine (though I actually don't like it I prefer another brand I cannot remember so Visine will have to work)
Figuring out the steps to this is going to be more and more awkward the next few weeks as each of these accomplishments require some type of preparation. This means a schedule which fits nicely into the average persons world but I am not entirely convinced that I fall in the average category. Not such a good fit for people who remember to purchase planners but neither remembers to write something in such objects of domination nor to read such items. (If in fact one can actually remember where one has put such object in the first place). So in the nature of too much here is my tentative plan to accomplish each and every one of these items.
The first step of course will in fact be to find the planner. Once that is out of the way I am off to a great start. The second is to swear off men as any form of distraction in my life as they seem to be one of my favorites. (I must explain in brief that I do not date pur se but am always trying apparently to spend much of my focus on one guy friend at a time...and then confuse myself greatly). First thing listed on this planner will in fact be God since it seems that is the easiest and non-tangible yet most important priortiy of my life. Why if I can't see it upon waking in the day do I so often allow other and less worthy distractions to allure me away from the One who is absolutly the everything and anything I need? I am far too easily pleased. The next step will be to set aside a time amidst the work for my school. This not only includes class and homework time but also the fact that in order to get into the Marketing degree I have to take the ACTs and from there get a 25. I have a little more then a month to study through a book the size of the Bible and a lot less useful so that I can get a grade on a test that I am already taking classes for. Next of course is this running situation. I have spent more time wearing myself down through tears and staying awake in thinking then was possibly necessary the last few days and so now I must no longer forsake my training but get on a planned and training schedule.(There is that blasted "s" word again) This is all confusing as some days it is run and some it is weights and somewhere in there I need some sleep as well and of course with that I must also keep track of eating. I have the ratio down and food in the frige but it will be the constant upkeep of the both together. If that wasn't already too much for my head I have to leave my social time and that time for normal cleaning and grooming which otherwise will be kicked to the curb and forgotten.
The next step in this plan is of course to get off this mesmorizing screen in front of me as the more I sit here the more the seconds travel into the past. Lots to accomplish yet tonight and little direction on how exactly this is all to occur. So, I leave like a moth in the morning and am soon to shut this bright burning light off for the evening and trade it for some much needed time in a much brighter light.
I am at this very moment in the state of utter exhaustion from a very long week and now looking forward I am realizing that I cannot possibly ever be board because I simply don't allow a moment to breathe let alone stop thinking. You know your pretty bad off when you have to play music at a fairly distracting volume in order to quiet the noise within. Perhaps this is insanity or maybe it is normal for the 3 parts of the enneagram numbers that I am excited to say are located in the "thinking" triad. So, in fact it is really just the way I am wired which is very unfortunate for all of you because that leaves for an overabundance of verbage at any and every available moment of the day and sometimes night.
The newest problems my mind is allowed to recycle through are the things I have yet to try but are on my newest task list of things today. I often say to people "oh, I am not really a planner...." but in fact that is the biggest misrepresentation of me as I in fact plan just about every moment of the day. (Let me clarify that statement as I do not plan the moments themselves but am always mentally planning something in my head) Finishing anything then becomes the actual problem but I start everything with an amazing excitement and passion so these things are going to be the same.
Now, I know your dying with anticipation for me to tell you the new plans I have (or to shut up) but either way for me it is more the telling and suspense that entertains then the actual. So, the non-sequential order of tasks which I would put in a check box form if I had any skills regarding computers are as follows; Running (in order to run a half-marathon in January), the ACTs (are you crazy I wait until ten years after college to take this on), an attempt at a Marketing degree, an attempt at ignoring the opposite sex (that will most likely last the next 8 hours...or at least as long as I am sleeping), and most important....really giving God the first place in my life and pursuing that above all else.
Problem 1: I plan but cannot keep a schedule for the life of me.
Problem 2: I cannot possibly accomplish these things as well without a plan or schedule to make them happen
Problem 3: I am a bit scattered
Problem 4: Christ is never enough in my life and I just don't know how to pursue Him better
Problem 5: I think these glasses might actually be making me blind when I was not blind before.
Problem 6: This week has been emotionally trying beyond belief and since then I have decided to purchase stock in Visine (though I actually don't like it I prefer another brand I cannot remember so Visine will have to work)
Figuring out the steps to this is going to be more and more awkward the next few weeks as each of these accomplishments require some type of preparation. This means a schedule which fits nicely into the average persons world but I am not entirely convinced that I fall in the average category. Not such a good fit for people who remember to purchase planners but neither remembers to write something in such objects of domination nor to read such items. (If in fact one can actually remember where one has put such object in the first place). So in the nature of too much here is my tentative plan to accomplish each and every one of these items.
The first step of course will in fact be to find the planner. Once that is out of the way I am off to a great start. The second is to swear off men as any form of distraction in my life as they seem to be one of my favorites. (I must explain in brief that I do not date pur se but am always trying apparently to spend much of my focus on one guy friend at a time...and then confuse myself greatly). First thing listed on this planner will in fact be God since it seems that is the easiest and non-tangible yet most important priortiy of my life. Why if I can't see it upon waking in the day do I so often allow other and less worthy distractions to allure me away from the One who is absolutly the everything and anything I need? I am far too easily pleased. The next step will be to set aside a time amidst the work for my school. This not only includes class and homework time but also the fact that in order to get into the Marketing degree I have to take the ACTs and from there get a 25. I have a little more then a month to study through a book the size of the Bible and a lot less useful so that I can get a grade on a test that I am already taking classes for. Next of course is this running situation. I have spent more time wearing myself down through tears and staying awake in thinking then was possibly necessary the last few days and so now I must no longer forsake my training but get on a planned and training schedule.(There is that blasted "s" word again) This is all confusing as some days it is run and some it is weights and somewhere in there I need some sleep as well and of course with that I must also keep track of eating. I have the ratio down and food in the frige but it will be the constant upkeep of the both together. If that wasn't already too much for my head I have to leave my social time and that time for normal cleaning and grooming which otherwise will be kicked to the curb and forgotten.
The next step in this plan is of course to get off this mesmorizing screen in front of me as the more I sit here the more the seconds travel into the past. Lots to accomplish yet tonight and little direction on how exactly this is all to occur. So, I leave like a moth in the morning and am soon to shut this bright burning light off for the evening and trade it for some much needed time in a much brighter light.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Inner Thoughts
It is a quiet Saturday evening and I sit alone with music delightfully creating a background sound for my thoughts. The thoughts do not quiet down but are able to focus more with something else going on around me. I wear a pair of glasses new to me this very day and ponder through the meaning of life...or at least where mine will be headed.
It is so easy for life to be about me and nothing more or less. It is in these moments that I realize that I have allowed a momentary haze to blind me and I fail to see the Savior. Life has changed dramatically since I have last written as it usually does. I especially savor the moments that seem to twist a new future for me and bring an open door of changes. I have missed writing and have taken to facebook status updating instead which has little value though allows for the constant announcement of thoughts.
The last month I have been discovering the Enneagram and the amazing personalities locked within the chapters. The 9 types unfold slowly within myself, my friends, family and the acquaintances I keep. I read in wonder through the pages of now three books explaining people at their core and the ways they respond. I am still in love with this system though it allowed me to struggle through many of my own issues as they were in print on paper before me. If you want to talk about an emotional roller coaster have someone explain to you your own motives and in fact print your best with your worst and publish it for everyone to see. That is what so much of the books hold. They also hold the most interesting information about discovering people and what types they are and they ways they operate. If you have any inkling of interest in people or if you are a type seven as it appears I am and the idea of people fascinate you I would widely recommend the Enneagram to you.
With that I have had an extra measure of time in self-exploration lately finding I just come up short(not just in height...though 5'1" has yet to be considered tall except perhaps in Mexico). The inner turmoil this brings is both a mixture of awe and utter disgust. Moments like these are inner tests where I can choose to wallow or choose to fight. Fighting sometimes happens after first a fall, but not long will God leave us to fall. It is in the moments when we see our sin and our need that He pulls us that much closer to Him allowing us to once again be reminded that the reason His Son was so terrifically murdered. For this, I struggle through and now am a on set of other missions.
If you have ever follow my life in any manner you will see a series of patters of change and changing minds. Some of this of course is based of life itself and the wonderful adventure that it is. The rest I fear is a protective character flaw that rears it's terrifying head in moments of panic for me. These moments are all unfortunately too much a part of my regular journey through life though I have in fact learned how to begin to breathe through them and not necessarily run in the other direction.
This year will be no different the the rest as I am on to another plan. I am great at plans and enjoying the things life has to offer wanting to smell, touch, taste, hear, and see them all. I also see in the current days a challenge ahead to stick in the game even when life would cause me to be tempted to do otherwise. The the last year has been a great test of this though I have failed in areas I have not meant to. This year will be an interesting one as I am now to face the fears with what strength God has forced me to obtain through Him the last few years. So, charge I will into the known which is much more frightening for me then the unknown.
What this looks like for at least the next six months will be a great adventure. Training for a half-marathon and hoping I will run it this next January is only one step. I have decided to attempt my most difficult and somewhere in the range of major 8 or 9 by signing up for some marketing classes.(Have I ever told you how terrible I am at math...and how Political Statistics made me cry...though I made it through with a B and will never forget that I did!) There are plenty of other ideas that come along with being me but I am going to work diligently on focusing and keeping focused on these even when it is hard and I want to run and give up.
The best part of this situation is that when I want to run I actually can...physically speaking of course since marathon training gets to be the energy expenditure I have chosen. Prayers in the forefront of my mind I choose to take it on and hope that as everything around me is changing so dramatically I can manage to keep my head in the game and keep running first and foremost toward my God and King and second that I will not give up but will in fact finish strong.
So then I will end this blog with my facebook quote from the day which in fact was the begining of these...inner thoughts....'can see a parallel to training to run....I...like to run both figuratively and factly speaking. Working through the moments I can't breathe, pain, and finding out how to work through them all. And....second parallel of the day...sometimes you don't know you don't see things clearly...until you do....'
It is so easy for life to be about me and nothing more or less. It is in these moments that I realize that I have allowed a momentary haze to blind me and I fail to see the Savior. Life has changed dramatically since I have last written as it usually does. I especially savor the moments that seem to twist a new future for me and bring an open door of changes. I have missed writing and have taken to facebook status updating instead which has little value though allows for the constant announcement of thoughts.
The last month I have been discovering the Enneagram and the amazing personalities locked within the chapters. The 9 types unfold slowly within myself, my friends, family and the acquaintances I keep. I read in wonder through the pages of now three books explaining people at their core and the ways they respond. I am still in love with this system though it allowed me to struggle through many of my own issues as they were in print on paper before me. If you want to talk about an emotional roller coaster have someone explain to you your own motives and in fact print your best with your worst and publish it for everyone to see. That is what so much of the books hold. They also hold the most interesting information about discovering people and what types they are and they ways they operate. If you have any inkling of interest in people or if you are a type seven as it appears I am and the idea of people fascinate you I would widely recommend the Enneagram to you.
With that I have had an extra measure of time in self-exploration lately finding I just come up short(not just in height...though 5'1" has yet to be considered tall except perhaps in Mexico). The inner turmoil this brings is both a mixture of awe and utter disgust. Moments like these are inner tests where I can choose to wallow or choose to fight. Fighting sometimes happens after first a fall, but not long will God leave us to fall. It is in the moments when we see our sin and our need that He pulls us that much closer to Him allowing us to once again be reminded that the reason His Son was so terrifically murdered. For this, I struggle through and now am a on set of other missions.
If you have ever follow my life in any manner you will see a series of patters of change and changing minds. Some of this of course is based of life itself and the wonderful adventure that it is. The rest I fear is a protective character flaw that rears it's terrifying head in moments of panic for me. These moments are all unfortunately too much a part of my regular journey through life though I have in fact learned how to begin to breathe through them and not necessarily run in the other direction.
This year will be no different the the rest as I am on to another plan. I am great at plans and enjoying the things life has to offer wanting to smell, touch, taste, hear, and see them all. I also see in the current days a challenge ahead to stick in the game even when life would cause me to be tempted to do otherwise. The the last year has been a great test of this though I have failed in areas I have not meant to. This year will be an interesting one as I am now to face the fears with what strength God has forced me to obtain through Him the last few years. So, charge I will into the known which is much more frightening for me then the unknown.
What this looks like for at least the next six months will be a great adventure. Training for a half-marathon and hoping I will run it this next January is only one step. I have decided to attempt my most difficult and somewhere in the range of major 8 or 9 by signing up for some marketing classes.(Have I ever told you how terrible I am at math...and how Political Statistics made me cry...though I made it through with a B and will never forget that I did!) There are plenty of other ideas that come along with being me but I am going to work diligently on focusing and keeping focused on these even when it is hard and I want to run and give up.
The best part of this situation is that when I want to run I actually can...physically speaking of course since marathon training gets to be the energy expenditure I have chosen. Prayers in the forefront of my mind I choose to take it on and hope that as everything around me is changing so dramatically I can manage to keep my head in the game and keep running first and foremost toward my God and King and second that I will not give up but will in fact finish strong.
So then I will end this blog with my facebook quote from the day which in fact was the begining of these...inner thoughts....'can see a parallel to training to run....I...like to run both figuratively and factly speaking. Working through the moments I can't breathe, pain, and finding out how to work through them all. And....second parallel of the day...sometimes you don't know you don't see things clearly...until you do....'
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Words....
The poetry of words never ceases to amaze me though I am not inclined to say I am attached to poetry itself. I do however fall into a tuned in stage when it comes to sentences drawing a perfect picture and comparison in my head that stirs emotions. This is especially prevalent in song lyrics and all of these relate to life. Do I have a point here...of course I have many. Being slightly long-winded my strength in the high school speech or drama team was a term we called "spring-boarding." In fact I have already done it two or three times so if you are following this...we could be friends and if you follow till the end then give me a call and we will hang out, if you still follow and your male, a Christian, and single...will you marry me?
The first thought I would like to cover (and I think I blog or journal just so I get the thoughts out and can retain some level of sanity) is already lost amidst other thoughts already so I will move on to the next one. Life as of late is pointing out only so clearly my weaknesses and so my approach has been to try and focus. This is not something easily accomplished by me but I will make a valid attempting at the process. In doing so I have tried to cut out all extra things in life. I pretty much think anything sounds fun and like a great idea and so come starting all things well and finishing nothing. Hence the professional student with no hopes of finishing one degree since I have been all over the board. I think however if I try another degree I will go back to combining two of my past majors...photography and teaching. That is not going to happen yet though as I said...I am trying to focus on only a couple things and that is not one of them for this year.
Debt. Ugly subject isn't it? I sure enjoyed taking it on though. Mine is the cause of wanting to have nicer teeth and take on yet another major. Ugliness isn’t it? Well, as I work this off I have finally developed and understood the importance of a savings account and have a nice little one built. Then, off with the debt. Therefore...no more majors for this year. Also, being God focused. This is never going to disappear as a necessary focus because I am so easily tripped up by those untied laces that work their way under my running shoes. Shoot! They can come crawling in under false pretences as a ministry opportunity, a mission, and as many of you know, the distraction of a guy for me. Whatever. God is still working on me and unfortunately we can only be enticed by our own desires and that will lead us into potential for idols.
On this not chasing God I have been forced some new molding over the last few months and it is not only one direction that is getting worked. It seems though many more areas then I would like are undergoing construction. I have had some very humbling moments and as far as relationships go have learned more then I would like to chew on for this very moment. Sin can come for me in any and every form of relationship here. I have had to learn to let go and see what happens. I have learned how tightly I cling to friendships of all shapes and sizes, how difficult it is to let go, how much I hurt over it all. I was told by a very wise person just a month or so ago that I should just enjoy the time I have with people. A defining expression full of rich truth because when I find something so great I want to hold onto it so tightly. This is much more difficult then it sounds because now I have attachements, feelings, emotions, and all kinds of ather baggage. In fact....I don't pack light so get ready for a carload. Oh, brother what a blow love can be! This said, I am learning as many people around me I have "let go of".
This causes me to wonder. Why is it I only worry about the relationship with people in my life? I do not spend that amount of energy worrying about the fact I have not spent time in quietness and loving God like I should. I am distracted and any amount of sin will show up in my responses. Even more, when I am not longing and chasing and pursuing Christ, my terrible weaknesses rear their ugly heads and are often very noticeable to the people I am trying so hard to love. When this happens I either cling to tightly or run fast from the picture to try and alleviate my own pain. I hate feelings that are so deep and those that can be so confused. So, in essence yet another example of how sin can affect those around you when you do not see it coming. UGLY!
Thinking through all this I have cut out extras. For now until I can get a handle on doing things well and finishing, the others no matter how fun they sound have got to go. Now, this brings to point a book I am currently reading. In fact I began the book based on an email for a class I am signed up to take on Thursday nights at another church. I have nixed that idea as once again I will be taking something on that I do not need to take and I will not stay dedicated and will not focus on it. Therefore I am reading the book alone as it fits nicely into my week of gym, coffee, work, coffee and study, perhaps round two of gym or some event type and then...some low level of snooze! So, I have decided to read it alone because committing to one more thing will add to the social level (which I am not lacking and I would rather do anyways) and take away from the purpose here.
Praise Habit by David Crowder is of course this novel of choice and though only 40 or 50 pages into it I am taking my time through it. It is amazingly funny as I can picture what he is saying in his head and it makes me smile when he takes us through the morning process. Next, he brings us to the point of God and the pursuit of Him and how we should be doing all that through the day. Well, it is a great book and I will not spoil to much but since this blog is about words, unofficially I have to pull some things out from the book that entirely move me. I am overjoyed with God right now and have to be as it has been pointed out to me my focus is often other things (often guys but that is just one of the prevalent audible focus shifters).
I hope you can take anything from these great truths and if not...then I have a reference to look back at later.
"In a small, decisive moment I was aware of what was good and took effort to peel away what wasn't and in the process became re-enamored with the Giver of good."
-This was stated after a learning moment of something he liked and what it took to get it to good....the best in fact.... Now, what a day would that be. Those epiphany (no idea how to spell or if this is a real word here) moments where we remember God is the creator and what He has made is good and for us so that we will turn back and praise Him for it....The constant battle to praise the Creator and not the created....over and over repeat after me. The CREATOR is what has made this great the created thing itself though enjoyable is explicitly a taste of that which is better. Stupid human you were writing that thought and already thought of something I enjoyed and how I could be there and with that person. See, it takes no time to forget to give God the glory and to enjoy Him and praise Him for it all.
"Every second is an opportunity for praise."
"Expression with childlike spontaneity has become difficult. It bares too much of us."
Yes, it does and I agree with him. I also frequent that expression and though continually looked down upon for it feel the freedom in it. It is that type of moment where David was able to dance before the Lord in his underwear without thinking or worrying about the world and it's onlookers ready to tie our mouths shut and contain anything that would break out in joy and freedom of the chains they bear.
"What if this kind of praise freely leaked from us in delightful response to God?"
I think that is a great thought....let’s do it!
Another thought far though connected to these ones brought up nuns. How different they look and how different they live. The take vows and such and an outward appearance to show the eternalness of "Her old life was gone." The symbolism is not important but the truth for each one of us is. When we become believers that should be the truth. We are no longer attached to the old and our lives are to be different. There was a nuning ceremony where they actually recited, "I am espoused to Him Whom angels serve; whose beauty sun and moon behold with wonder."
WOW.....once again....WOW! That is absolute truth. I had forgotten. Wonder. The wonder of our God. The often lost awe. As we talked about in my lifegroup last week it is the lack or forgetfulness of the fear of God. That is absolutely incredible and no wonder my life does not look different. That is the one think I am desperately lacking and what is passion without fear and awe? Incredible...and for once I am speechless.
Fortunately for you I am now lacking a conclusion because I am still stuck in the truth of what a wonder our God is. Now, if I can just get a handle on that a little bit and drill it too me. If I can live in wonder not just of words but of truth. I think I feel glimpses (and yes I am certain you can feel glimpses...it is just a mix of sentences) through moments, through words, and so often for me it is the lyrics of songs. I just hope we are moved to God through it and to a life that with sin and passion and all God has made us to be displays this. Yes, I pray for spontaneity and passion and fire and loudness and boldness and pure and radical love that stems from this. That is what I want.
The first thought I would like to cover (and I think I blog or journal just so I get the thoughts out and can retain some level of sanity) is already lost amidst other thoughts already so I will move on to the next one. Life as of late is pointing out only so clearly my weaknesses and so my approach has been to try and focus. This is not something easily accomplished by me but I will make a valid attempting at the process. In doing so I have tried to cut out all extra things in life. I pretty much think anything sounds fun and like a great idea and so come starting all things well and finishing nothing. Hence the professional student with no hopes of finishing one degree since I have been all over the board. I think however if I try another degree I will go back to combining two of my past majors...photography and teaching. That is not going to happen yet though as I said...I am trying to focus on only a couple things and that is not one of them for this year.
Debt. Ugly subject isn't it? I sure enjoyed taking it on though. Mine is the cause of wanting to have nicer teeth and take on yet another major. Ugliness isn’t it? Well, as I work this off I have finally developed and understood the importance of a savings account and have a nice little one built. Then, off with the debt. Therefore...no more majors for this year. Also, being God focused. This is never going to disappear as a necessary focus because I am so easily tripped up by those untied laces that work their way under my running shoes. Shoot! They can come crawling in under false pretences as a ministry opportunity, a mission, and as many of you know, the distraction of a guy for me. Whatever. God is still working on me and unfortunately we can only be enticed by our own desires and that will lead us into potential for idols.
On this not chasing God I have been forced some new molding over the last few months and it is not only one direction that is getting worked. It seems though many more areas then I would like are undergoing construction. I have had some very humbling moments and as far as relationships go have learned more then I would like to chew on for this very moment. Sin can come for me in any and every form of relationship here. I have had to learn to let go and see what happens. I have learned how tightly I cling to friendships of all shapes and sizes, how difficult it is to let go, how much I hurt over it all. I was told by a very wise person just a month or so ago that I should just enjoy the time I have with people. A defining expression full of rich truth because when I find something so great I want to hold onto it so tightly. This is much more difficult then it sounds because now I have attachements, feelings, emotions, and all kinds of ather baggage. In fact....I don't pack light so get ready for a carload. Oh, brother what a blow love can be! This said, I am learning as many people around me I have "let go of".
This causes me to wonder. Why is it I only worry about the relationship with people in my life? I do not spend that amount of energy worrying about the fact I have not spent time in quietness and loving God like I should. I am distracted and any amount of sin will show up in my responses. Even more, when I am not longing and chasing and pursuing Christ, my terrible weaknesses rear their ugly heads and are often very noticeable to the people I am trying so hard to love. When this happens I either cling to tightly or run fast from the picture to try and alleviate my own pain. I hate feelings that are so deep and those that can be so confused. So, in essence yet another example of how sin can affect those around you when you do not see it coming. UGLY!
Thinking through all this I have cut out extras. For now until I can get a handle on doing things well and finishing, the others no matter how fun they sound have got to go. Now, this brings to point a book I am currently reading. In fact I began the book based on an email for a class I am signed up to take on Thursday nights at another church. I have nixed that idea as once again I will be taking something on that I do not need to take and I will not stay dedicated and will not focus on it. Therefore I am reading the book alone as it fits nicely into my week of gym, coffee, work, coffee and study, perhaps round two of gym or some event type and then...some low level of snooze! So, I have decided to read it alone because committing to one more thing will add to the social level (which I am not lacking and I would rather do anyways) and take away from the purpose here.
Praise Habit by David Crowder is of course this novel of choice and though only 40 or 50 pages into it I am taking my time through it. It is amazingly funny as I can picture what he is saying in his head and it makes me smile when he takes us through the morning process. Next, he brings us to the point of God and the pursuit of Him and how we should be doing all that through the day. Well, it is a great book and I will not spoil to much but since this blog is about words, unofficially I have to pull some things out from the book that entirely move me. I am overjoyed with God right now and have to be as it has been pointed out to me my focus is often other things (often guys but that is just one of the prevalent audible focus shifters).
I hope you can take anything from these great truths and if not...then I have a reference to look back at later.
"In a small, decisive moment I was aware of what was good and took effort to peel away what wasn't and in the process became re-enamored with the Giver of good."
-This was stated after a learning moment of something he liked and what it took to get it to good....the best in fact.... Now, what a day would that be. Those epiphany (no idea how to spell or if this is a real word here) moments where we remember God is the creator and what He has made is good and for us so that we will turn back and praise Him for it....The constant battle to praise the Creator and not the created....over and over repeat after me. The CREATOR is what has made this great the created thing itself though enjoyable is explicitly a taste of that which is better. Stupid human you were writing that thought and already thought of something I enjoyed and how I could be there and with that person. See, it takes no time to forget to give God the glory and to enjoy Him and praise Him for it all.
"Every second is an opportunity for praise."
"Expression with childlike spontaneity has become difficult. It bares too much of us."
Yes, it does and I agree with him. I also frequent that expression and though continually looked down upon for it feel the freedom in it. It is that type of moment where David was able to dance before the Lord in his underwear without thinking or worrying about the world and it's onlookers ready to tie our mouths shut and contain anything that would break out in joy and freedom of the chains they bear.
"What if this kind of praise freely leaked from us in delightful response to God?"
I think that is a great thought....let’s do it!
Another thought far though connected to these ones brought up nuns. How different they look and how different they live. The take vows and such and an outward appearance to show the eternalness of "Her old life was gone." The symbolism is not important but the truth for each one of us is. When we become believers that should be the truth. We are no longer attached to the old and our lives are to be different. There was a nuning ceremony where they actually recited, "I am espoused to Him Whom angels serve; whose beauty sun and moon behold with wonder."
WOW.....once again....WOW! That is absolute truth. I had forgotten. Wonder. The wonder of our God. The often lost awe. As we talked about in my lifegroup last week it is the lack or forgetfulness of the fear of God. That is absolutely incredible and no wonder my life does not look different. That is the one think I am desperately lacking and what is passion without fear and awe? Incredible...and for once I am speechless.
Fortunately for you I am now lacking a conclusion because I am still stuck in the truth of what a wonder our God is. Now, if I can just get a handle on that a little bit and drill it too me. If I can live in wonder not just of words but of truth. I think I feel glimpses (and yes I am certain you can feel glimpses...it is just a mix of sentences) through moments, through words, and so often for me it is the lyrics of songs. I just hope we are moved to God through it and to a life that with sin and passion and all God has made us to be displays this. Yes, I pray for spontaneity and passion and fire and loudness and boldness and pure and radical love that stems from this. That is what I want.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Full Attention
This of course is the name of a Jerremy Riddle song as well as where I feel my heart is at. I have spent the last year or so very focused on another place and forgetting all that God has made me for and to be. The last two or three months have been suprising as God has taught me a lot more then I was planning on...as is always the case.
I fell very much in love with the idea of missions and pursued a dream of Seattle. It looked as though the doors were opening for movement in those directions but what I was doing here was not so focused and was shutting down. I should have known long before now that my focus was not on Christ but was on Christian things. Sad, but often true and so fast and so hard we can vere just slightly from the path staying in the glow of the light but not looking directly at it.
December was interesting and I was working through the Seattle ordeal. I am absolutly enamered by Seattle and will try to go there every year possible. If in fact God allows someday I will move there but there has to be a better reason then falling in love with the city itself. There would have been much that I would have given up here all because I had fallen in love with an idea and a dream. I wish I could explain more but this is a difficult thing to do. I had many conversations trying to figure it all out and amidst these also caught a glimps of the truth of the situation. So, what seemed like God opening doors was in fact...me running toward something else which we are often allowed to do!
Early January I was able to go to Caborca and I have had some time the last month or two to just settle in a bit and seek out what God really wants. The great part of this is that I found my purpose again in the beauty of the cross. I want to share and be missional in my living. This does not mean far and away but this means now and here. So, this has been such a blessed finding for me as I have been seeking answers and clarity for awhile...just all in the wrong place. The beauty that can be found at the cross is more then enough for each and everyone of us. I hope to never run far from it. God has continued to bless my oportunities here with the people in my life and I have had more joy and peace then ever just chasing Him. There is so much more that can be said but that would pull from from the point that everything tries to rob our focus from Him. In fact things can easily slide in as sin comes because of our desires even if they are not bad. All I want is to praise Him with my life and continue to share and love radically right where I am at and take the opportunities that He gives me boldly and with the passion He has given me to do so.
This song speaks movements to me and so not only did I name this blog after it but I will post it here. I feel this is exactly what I want and what I wish I could say but someone made for writing music said it better.
"Full Attention" Lyrics
by Jeremy Riddle | from the album Full Attention
May Your voice be louder
May Your voice be clearer
Than all the others
Than all the others
May Your face be dearer
May Your words be sweeter
Than all the others
Than all the others in my life
Please keep my eyes
Fixed on You
Please root my heart
So deep in You
Keep me abiding
Keep me abiding
Keep me abiding
That I may bear fruit
May Your presence be truer
May Your presence be nearer
Than all the others
Than all the others
May Your light burn brighter
May Your love move deeper
Than all the others
Than all the others in my life
I fell very much in love with the idea of missions and pursued a dream of Seattle. It looked as though the doors were opening for movement in those directions but what I was doing here was not so focused and was shutting down. I should have known long before now that my focus was not on Christ but was on Christian things. Sad, but often true and so fast and so hard we can vere just slightly from the path staying in the glow of the light but not looking directly at it.
December was interesting and I was working through the Seattle ordeal. I am absolutly enamered by Seattle and will try to go there every year possible. If in fact God allows someday I will move there but there has to be a better reason then falling in love with the city itself. There would have been much that I would have given up here all because I had fallen in love with an idea and a dream. I wish I could explain more but this is a difficult thing to do. I had many conversations trying to figure it all out and amidst these also caught a glimps of the truth of the situation. So, what seemed like God opening doors was in fact...me running toward something else which we are often allowed to do!
Early January I was able to go to Caborca and I have had some time the last month or two to just settle in a bit and seek out what God really wants. The great part of this is that I found my purpose again in the beauty of the cross. I want to share and be missional in my living. This does not mean far and away but this means now and here. So, this has been such a blessed finding for me as I have been seeking answers and clarity for awhile...just all in the wrong place. The beauty that can be found at the cross is more then enough for each and everyone of us. I hope to never run far from it. God has continued to bless my oportunities here with the people in my life and I have had more joy and peace then ever just chasing Him. There is so much more that can be said but that would pull from from the point that everything tries to rob our focus from Him. In fact things can easily slide in as sin comes because of our desires even if they are not bad. All I want is to praise Him with my life and continue to share and love radically right where I am at and take the opportunities that He gives me boldly and with the passion He has given me to do so.
This song speaks movements to me and so not only did I name this blog after it but I will post it here. I feel this is exactly what I want and what I wish I could say but someone made for writing music said it better.
"Full Attention" Lyrics
by Jeremy Riddle | from the album Full Attention
May Your voice be louder
May Your voice be clearer
Than all the others
Than all the others
May Your face be dearer
May Your words be sweeter
Than all the others
Than all the others in my life
Please keep my eyes
Fixed on You
Please root my heart
So deep in You
Keep me abiding
Keep me abiding
Keep me abiding
That I may bear fruit
May Your presence be truer
May Your presence be nearer
Than all the others
Than all the others
May Your light burn brighter
May Your love move deeper
Than all the others
Than all the others in my life
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