I am slightly embarrassed and thankful at the same time I actually did not post a couple times but saved the notes to a draft. I was unaware until this evening I had not succeeded in making my blog unavailable for public view. I wish I did not wear my heart on my sleeve but have not a clue how to avoid this issue and my reality is that which I feel. I am sitting here with a continued disconnect between my head and my heart. I am lost in situations that make no sense. I want to understand but I can't understand alone.
This week has been interesting to say the least. I wonder what I am supposed to do when there are temptations lurking around every corner. Where Father is Your strength and though nothing makes sense I have to fall onto Your Word and trust it completely. Temptations are so easy to take and if I rely on my strength I will fall. I have given up and so I want to dive in head first now. I do not trust myself because this seems just too easy and too perfect. I know not Your plan and I don't to. This is where I have to continually preach the gospel to myself.
I miss the days my blogs were not about men. I miss when my longing and curiosity were about life in general. I still live in the wonderment of You and the things in this world. I need Your wisdom. Where are the boundaries. I am tired of feeling. I can't hold on. Sometimes I can't breathe. Life in itself seems so great. If only feelings would subside. Sometimes they are too intense for me to handle or to know what to do. And...I don't get to choose. I get to either be obedient to You and wait for the right guy. Or, go down a road You tell me not to with an unbeliever. God, I need Your strength.
Interesting enough we are going through Job in my lifegroup. We see how Satan is allowed to tempt Job. I also know this is an area of weakness for me. Christian guys never pan out, never really pursue or I don't like them. Does it always have to be one of those Father? I am tired of my heart getting continually pushed. James 1:12-15 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.
Jam 1:13 Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God," for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.
Father, I know this. Satan hits us where it is easy to fall. I remember something Mandy told me. If a guy is ready to marry he should because it protects the girl from others guys lurking...she did not use that word but had the same idea. And now, I sit in tears because I know he is the allusion of what I want. Maybe you will save him. I don't know but I can't go down that road and Father I need Your help because it is only too easy.
And...there are no believers who like me. If they do, I don't know anything about it because they do nothing about it. How is it that becomes my constant battle? It is tiring. Christian guys seem worth it. You tell me they are. Why Father do they do absolutely nothing but hurt my heart. Tonight is so, so difficult. And, no matter how much I like them they do not care. They disregard how I feel in order to pursue girls who do not like them. That makes no sense to me. And this guy...is really pursuing and it seems so perfect. Help me Father to see it for what it is. Because...I am starting to want it.
And please make sense of it all to me. Why Father is it only unbelievers who can and will tell me how much they like me. He flirts so openly with me. I have known him 6 days and day 2 he made it clear he was interested. He has things in common with me and is fun to be around. He makes it clear he wants to be with me. He contacts me almost daily. He makes no secret that he wants me. He is so sweet and gentle with me and fun and flirty...And yet...he neither knows You or loves You. Long term that can only end in sin or a bad marriage. May I know what step to take and how to go about it. I need Your wisdom. I need You so much. I need more then anything Your protection because I am so, so weak. Females are just that way. And there is something that continues to draw me to men...You have not made me to long to be alone and yet that is where this has to go. Unless, You take his heart and radically save him. However, that is not the fact of the current situation.
"....my grace is sufficient for you for my strength is made perfect in weakness..." Father....I am weakness.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Monday, April 05, 2010
Fellowship
Today's night has arrived and it is nearing the day that follows. I sit here remembering how much I love to write. I love words. I love song lyrics more then most things. Keep your poetry if I can trade it for the lyrics in songs. The way songs make me feel. It is an understanding and a way that they make me feel or describe it. Sometimes I don't feel exactly what they say but I feel through them or maybe I just get them. So, unrelated to my topic of the evening I listen to the song "Sympathy", by the Goo Goo Dolls and it sets my mood for this evenings journey through my brain.
The strawberry sitting next to me is beautiful ripened and sweet to the taste. Unfortunately some of it's enjoyment is lost by the fact I had some work done on a molar located in the back of my right jaw. As I sit and chew slowly I am suddenly aware at the coldness which sends a sharp and shooting pain through my tooth to the gum registering in my head and I shift the strawberry immediately away to the other side. I wonder if the sensitivity which has suddenly formed in my mouth will eventually subside or if I am to deal with this unexpected change for years to come. I wind down and pull another strawberry from the bag sitting here crossed legged with a pillow against my chest and a churning on my mind. I begin to think about sensitivity.
I wonder how callused I have become and if I think about my sensitivity the same way. How sensitive am I to the Spirit in my life? I know that I can overlook it and push it behind and loose it quit easily. Then, I wonder why I fail to see things. There is so much ugliness in the world about us that becomes the norm. Yet, we want the sensitivity to leave. I was thinking about that in the car ride today. I am training in Tempe this week and have quickly made a few new friends. I drove everyone to lunch today and realized how many missed opportunities I have had. There have been so many lately and I have not been sensitive at all. I see them missed and do not change them. When and where did I become so complacent in my life. I used to be the first one to share...to share about You and love You enough. There is an ache and loss of joy there that I have ceased to to what I am made and called to do. Where did I become so unspoken about my faith? I used to boldly proclaim You everywhere without fear. When did I loose that?
I realized it started with a slow disregard and ignoring of Your Spirit. It begins simply when there is pain felt and I slowly stopped noticing it. Just like that tooth that I am so aware of for the moment if I do not think consciously about it I may soon forget. Easily done unless I have a constant reminder and some pain every time I chew a frosty item there. So, when did I loose this? I think it began with a following of feeling vs. knowledge which often gets me in trouble. I love the song "Slow Fade," which says so much of how things slip in or out.
Meanwhile it was just this weekend looking at the loss of sharing and opportunities I will never get back plus my growing attitude toward church. Especially the last few weeks but I have had a sudden disregard for going to church on Sunday. I am craving more and more the word or the pursuit of God but less a desire for the service. I could not figure this out nor my disregard of care if I missed it or not.
I pondered over many aspects of this situation in my head and came to a few realizations. Church itself is commanded and so right to do. Church itself though should be a gathering for fellowship and for teaching not just going. I am unable to "do" church. I don't like rules and follow them terribly. So, the last few months the people that were really important to me have shifted in their lives. I have not made the important shift myself. Church to me has become empty. I have a difficult time now listening. I am in a room with hundreds of people I know and I feel alone. I hear perfectly practiced worship songs and fail to want to praise. It has become a show and a practice and lacks for me the relationship side. I am in need of something different.
Not a Wednesday do I miss and this is not because the teaching is perfect. God tells us it is not good for man to be alone well I agree that not one of us should. We are a relationship based creation and when we put that aspect into our lives we can see some of the holes. I realize more then ever how I need people. I know that. I know that more now because without fellowship it is just church and I don't do that well at all. I miss the relationships and the more simplistic. I am ready for a change. I want a change in scenery and in my heart as well. So, this Sunday I begin to go to Praxis once again. For that I pray and now I am excited. Excited to see God what You will do. I am ready for some leaps this year and I pray You would bless this one. There are so many reasons now for this move and I pray that it is a blessing and the right step. I wish I could say everything that I am thinking but at this moment I am already fading.
The strawberry sitting next to me is beautiful ripened and sweet to the taste. Unfortunately some of it's enjoyment is lost by the fact I had some work done on a molar located in the back of my right jaw. As I sit and chew slowly I am suddenly aware at the coldness which sends a sharp and shooting pain through my tooth to the gum registering in my head and I shift the strawberry immediately away to the other side. I wonder if the sensitivity which has suddenly formed in my mouth will eventually subside or if I am to deal with this unexpected change for years to come. I wind down and pull another strawberry from the bag sitting here crossed legged with a pillow against my chest and a churning on my mind. I begin to think about sensitivity.
I wonder how callused I have become and if I think about my sensitivity the same way. How sensitive am I to the Spirit in my life? I know that I can overlook it and push it behind and loose it quit easily. Then, I wonder why I fail to see things. There is so much ugliness in the world about us that becomes the norm. Yet, we want the sensitivity to leave. I was thinking about that in the car ride today. I am training in Tempe this week and have quickly made a few new friends. I drove everyone to lunch today and realized how many missed opportunities I have had. There have been so many lately and I have not been sensitive at all. I see them missed and do not change them. When and where did I become so complacent in my life. I used to be the first one to share...to share about You and love You enough. There is an ache and loss of joy there that I have ceased to to what I am made and called to do. Where did I become so unspoken about my faith? I used to boldly proclaim You everywhere without fear. When did I loose that?
I realized it started with a slow disregard and ignoring of Your Spirit. It begins simply when there is pain felt and I slowly stopped noticing it. Just like that tooth that I am so aware of for the moment if I do not think consciously about it I may soon forget. Easily done unless I have a constant reminder and some pain every time I chew a frosty item there. So, when did I loose this? I think it began with a following of feeling vs. knowledge which often gets me in trouble. I love the song "Slow Fade," which says so much of how things slip in or out.
Meanwhile it was just this weekend looking at the loss of sharing and opportunities I will never get back plus my growing attitude toward church. Especially the last few weeks but I have had a sudden disregard for going to church on Sunday. I am craving more and more the word or the pursuit of God but less a desire for the service. I could not figure this out nor my disregard of care if I missed it or not.
I pondered over many aspects of this situation in my head and came to a few realizations. Church itself is commanded and so right to do. Church itself though should be a gathering for fellowship and for teaching not just going. I am unable to "do" church. I don't like rules and follow them terribly. So, the last few months the people that were really important to me have shifted in their lives. I have not made the important shift myself. Church to me has become empty. I have a difficult time now listening. I am in a room with hundreds of people I know and I feel alone. I hear perfectly practiced worship songs and fail to want to praise. It has become a show and a practice and lacks for me the relationship side. I am in need of something different.
Not a Wednesday do I miss and this is not because the teaching is perfect. God tells us it is not good for man to be alone well I agree that not one of us should. We are a relationship based creation and when we put that aspect into our lives we can see some of the holes. I realize more then ever how I need people. I know that. I know that more now because without fellowship it is just church and I don't do that well at all. I miss the relationships and the more simplistic. I am ready for a change. I want a change in scenery and in my heart as well. So, this Sunday I begin to go to Praxis once again. For that I pray and now I am excited. Excited to see God what You will do. I am ready for some leaps this year and I pray You would bless this one. There are so many reasons now for this move and I pray that it is a blessing and the right step. I wish I could say everything that I am thinking but at this moment I am already fading.
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Wanting
It is officially Easter. There is down time which means uptime for my thoughts to travel. Sometimes it is nice moving along life at the speed of light because then there are few moments to look back and linger on the what if's that so often filter through. I would not want a different story then the one God has but sometimes I think there is something I want that He does not give me.
Every thing has it's problems even the ones you wait so long for. It is funny now because the things drowning through my heart and head are so different. There is so much of life yet to live and so much learning to do. I finally let go. I don't have a choice. I hated it. It does not feel right. It felt like a perfect fit to me but apparently it was one sided. The thing did not fit me back the way I felt it did. So, now what? No more holding back. No more waiting it out. I wish the feelings would subside but they don't.
Next chapter. There is much for me to do. I am making a move in a church. I am seeking my Father. I am afraid sometimes. I don't know what I am supposed to do with the guys in my life. You get closer everyday yet I do not understand it. I had already decided you were not a fit. I can't say I don't like you being around though. It helps to heal the hurt. The fit is different. I don't beg for it though right now I cling to it.
Then my mind wanders. God, I am working on just finding You more. What do You want of this? Did I speak so filipantly? Did I ask You to give me something that Your allowing because of my impatience? Is it wrong? Every day moves me a step closer but to what? Then I worry... I am not convinced of this being the best thing. I move closer anyways. I guess maybe it is just part of the letting go. I like risks. I am scared to go down a road and give up the things I have saved so long for someone. I am not ready to give any of that away. Maybe we will not go down that road. I don't know. I don't know what is in his mind. I know what others around us think. However...I am not convinced.
I see you learning me. I see you paying attention and making great leaps. Why? Or maybe God I should ask if my heart is supposed to be engaged in this. This is much more difficult. I don't know. I am just going to continue to wait and make the decisions as I have to. I waited so long for something else and all for naught.
There is so much beauty in You yet somedays I feel far from You. I know you not remotely as I should. I am taking the steps and will see what You have. May my belief be in Your plan even when I have to let go and even when I don't have a clue why. I do beg though that You would continue to give me wisdom in each step of the way. I don't want the worldly wisdom and the one that makes sense to them. I want You.
Thank You precious Father. Thank You for the turning point You have me at again. I do this for You Father because I love You. I love you most and I need You more. I am so far from Your glory....sometimes I am too far from You. May I not ignore You. May I not bask in the feelings of the moment but be wise in all I do.
Every thing has it's problems even the ones you wait so long for. It is funny now because the things drowning through my heart and head are so different. There is so much of life yet to live and so much learning to do. I finally let go. I don't have a choice. I hated it. It does not feel right. It felt like a perfect fit to me but apparently it was one sided. The thing did not fit me back the way I felt it did. So, now what? No more holding back. No more waiting it out. I wish the feelings would subside but they don't.
Next chapter. There is much for me to do. I am making a move in a church. I am seeking my Father. I am afraid sometimes. I don't know what I am supposed to do with the guys in my life. You get closer everyday yet I do not understand it. I had already decided you were not a fit. I can't say I don't like you being around though. It helps to heal the hurt. The fit is different. I don't beg for it though right now I cling to it.
Then my mind wanders. God, I am working on just finding You more. What do You want of this? Did I speak so filipantly? Did I ask You to give me something that Your allowing because of my impatience? Is it wrong? Every day moves me a step closer but to what? Then I worry... I am not convinced of this being the best thing. I move closer anyways. I guess maybe it is just part of the letting go. I like risks. I am scared to go down a road and give up the things I have saved so long for someone. I am not ready to give any of that away. Maybe we will not go down that road. I don't know. I don't know what is in his mind. I know what others around us think. However...I am not convinced.
I see you learning me. I see you paying attention and making great leaps. Why? Or maybe God I should ask if my heart is supposed to be engaged in this. This is much more difficult. I don't know. I am just going to continue to wait and make the decisions as I have to. I waited so long for something else and all for naught.
There is so much beauty in You yet somedays I feel far from You. I know you not remotely as I should. I am taking the steps and will see what You have. May my belief be in Your plan even when I have to let go and even when I don't have a clue why. I do beg though that You would continue to give me wisdom in each step of the way. I don't want the worldly wisdom and the one that makes sense to them. I want You.
Thank You precious Father. Thank You for the turning point You have me at again. I do this for You Father because I love You. I love you most and I need You more. I am so far from Your glory....sometimes I am too far from You. May I not ignore You. May I not bask in the feelings of the moment but be wise in all I do.
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