Relaxing.

Tonight is not much different for me then any other blogging evening. I usually do this at night because it wraps up my thinking. There is always so much to learn that keeping either this or a journal not only give me some peace of mind but are also track able ways to see life's journey. I am on it for the ride wherever God takes me but as always unsure of what that looks like. I guess that is just part of what is exciting about life...and I tend to like good surprises. So, trusting I go and believing is even more difficult but that is where God gets to be God.

Something is up with my stomach the last week or two though I am unsure of the issue. I usually know what the deal is because this issue is always caused by some type of anxiety though this time I am completely unaware of it's cause. It was interesting but it is getting worse and every time I eat anything it hurts and I feel pretty sick. Odd. Unclear. What the heck? And...tonight I was seeing spots...ha ha but I think it is because I got up to fast. Weird. Especially because there is nothing going on that should cause this situation that I am aware of.

Tomorrow I leave for North Carolina for five days in the beautiful snow covered woods. I love this and it will be a pretty relaxing week ahead. Hopefully I can get a grip on what is going on inside of me in more ways then one. I really need to learn to chill out a bit more but the more I am the faster I go. I am thankful some things fell out of my schedule because it was getting full again. I was beginning to have all my nights of the week booked and thankfully one thing fell through and the other I decided not to pursue. I am using my nights for focusing and running (hopefully). I want and promised to try and not take on so much this semester (as if I was I was in school and still on a semester schedule)...?

I was thinking about God today. Something that is nothing out of the ordinary but I can't believe how difficult it is to act and not just ponder about Him. I am so excited for a few days away because I need the focus so bad. I make time in my life for everything, EVERYTHING else but still fail to make time for God. This is far too easily accomplished. There is much learning to do and things my heart is still aching over yet I still fail to really get it. I know all I need to do is make Him my center and now that is all I want to focus on. Nothing else right now is allowed because I HAVE to make Him my center. Everything else will line up as it should then, and only then.

Easier said. Father, I need Your help. I need to act on my desire for You like I would in my desire for someone or something else. It is so easy for me to chase the world Father. It is all just a cheap filler. My heart aches for You. I cannot possibly know what life really is if I forget You have to be a part of it all. You cannot be the side note. The forgotten. That passing thought. I want You in my core because it is then everything else will fade. I know it is not a fast process and right now Your refinement sucks. I guess it always does though...It hurts and my stubbornness does not help. I know what I need to do I just need You to help me do it. Father, may I bless You in every way possible. May my thoughts honor You. When I think about someone I want may I just pray for them. When I pursue something else and give something else a higher value then You will You help me to see it and repent of it and find that balance?

While talking with someone today I was telling her about a story. I have many, many stories to tell and now I see how they bring You glory. I do not know at the beginning but somehow by the end I see it. I spent some time watching and observing this weekend. Now, I can thank You in so many ways for taking me out of a situation that would have been terrible but I thought I wanted so badly. How can I fail to trust You when I see these things. So, we chatted over the last of my coffee and she caught up on life. She wondered how I was doing with a guy who is still in my life and dating a very close friend. "Very, very well." I am surprised but I mean that with everything in me. I feel like the quote from Little Women where Teddy says "I envy their happiness." I am delighted for them. I just wish I had a situation that was that easy to step into. I guess if it is right it should be easy, or at least that is what they say. They also say some things you have to fight for...but what if I am not the one who is supposed to fight? What if all I will do now is walk?

Upon further review there was this relationship I had wanted for a very long time. It is funny but sometimes it takes feeling or finding something better to let something else go. It does not matter at this point how I let that one go but I am beyond grateful that I did so. I now watch this new relationship and how sweet and gentle and protective he is with her. It is beautiful watching two people fall for each other. Yet, at the same time there are things about him as a boyfriend that drive me crazily up a wall. Thank You Father for not getting me even one foot entangled in that situation. Had anything every happened it would have lasted about ten minutes.

We continued and I told her exactly what I had learned. I continued on to chat about other relationships. Some I could start but am not interested in even remotly. Others, that died before they were even given a chance. Some that make me sad because I like the dynamics of them. I can't go into more detail because sometimes I feel like I already say too much and being vulnerable sucks...but man the things I am learning. After this day trip to Sedona I think I appreciate some people more. It will also take a lot to get my attention right now. I really do continue to learn from every relationship friend or other that I am in.

The last non-relationship was a much trickier one I had to walk away from. I not only do not understand it but go through mixed emotions over it. When it is a friend you have known forever it makes things much more difficult to figure out. Also, how do you not mix feeling with fact and also a long history...? I really don't like this situation at all and I think it is my least favorite because I will be loosing a friend out of it. I feel like we headed down a road that I started on because of he went there first. I usually don't do that and it takes a lot to get my attention. However, hanging out as friends was fun and I got to get a good glimpse of who he was. Then, it went a little to fast but more because of my over comfortableness with him...and his intense emotions. I guess I was interested at that point in figuring it out because he was very different then my perception even though I have known him half my life. I can't change anything and now though there is a lot about it I would do it different.

On one side I don't regret starting to like him because it was different and fun but I was still trying to figure him out and it was confusing him and then me even more. I don't get it. Then, people outside of it would ask questions and make it even more intense. He did not know and then I did not know what to do because if he did not know how was I supposed to know his intentions and it just was a viscous circle. And...I always need clarity which did not help and he does not deal with any pressure or decisions well. So, it blows up and now what? I really don't know what to do here but I am not going to do anything right now. He can't be just my friend but he does not want to be anything more. I don't want to let my emotions get screwed up because I am following his lead. And...I want someone who is a least sure they want to try something even if we end up agreeing to be friends in the end. I am not a toy or a filler for God's spot in any ones life. I don't want to fill my life with anyone for that purpose either. I don't get to understand that friendship or relationship but somehow it is still on my mind daily. And...I still have mixed feelings and emotions but I have to trust that God has it, He has to fix it if and how it is supposed to be fixed. I am tired of trying to make it work either as friends or considering it as something more. Yet somehow God...You don't allow me to walk away completely. I guess God I don't understand Your purpose in that. I can walk away and I can run away but for some reason even though I don't like the situation it is still on my mind. I really don't want to care and I hate that. But I know You are just using it right now as a lesson and one I don't want to learn.

It is through all these situations and many others that I am seeing life a little differently. I know God forces growth. I know it hurts. I wish I was not so stubborn. I wish I could learn things other ways then having to walk away from someone I did not start off really liking or really knowing. I am thankful now for the other guy who is still in my life but in a different role. I see how terrible that would have been and God now all I can do is try and train my mind an my feelings. I love the repeating of what Tom says, "What you know trumps what you feel." And man does that take repeated practice. Feelings so lead me down certain roads and can cause me to sin more often then not in many ways.

God, I am so, so sorry. Forgive me for not wanting You enough. Forget me for spending my mind on coffee and guys and plans and how "perfect" I think I have to be and all the other terribly worthless distractions. All they do and all I do when I think about things or try and figure out life is take away from asking You. I think all the time but I don't pray all the time. How can I expect to know Your plan or what to do when I fail so often to ask You? I love You so much. I can look down my life and see that You protect me even when I don't know I need it. Your so beautiful and You make life such a wonderful and joyful thing and place to be. What would I do without laughter? Without song? I cannot thank You enough. I know I am stubborn and You need to push me. I know it's Your goodness that changes me and these next months may I still find You in my quiet place. May I find You in my mind and Your thoughts upon my tongue and Your words in my heart. I need You more then I understand I need You. I don't want songs to be it. I don't want to give up on You even when I don't see Your purpose or plan. I don't understand. I can be alone because there I find You. May I seek You then for the empty places. No replacements. No fillers. No anger or mistrust. I don't need to be perfect because I can't be. I can't make anything go against what You want even when I want it so bad. I want to want You like that. I want to desire You in the morning and night. To ache and long for Your touch and feel Your there. I don't understand but that is trusting and You prove over and over again Your the only one I can trust. I pray God that You would use this week. Use me this week in the lives of everyone I meet. Use me in the lives of my family and the people I come in contact with. May I not be anxiously hurrying through the day and life but may I find my joy in doing it all for You. I can be busy if I find You in it all and do it for You. Please heal this building and unexplained anxiety. It is hours before bedtime and may I know You on my pillow tonight. May I just be Yours and Yours alone. May I breathe in Your fragrance and Your presence and may I know You.

Center

I am searching out the last jello with fruit in it. The only way I really will eat jello since I think it is a useless substance unless sickened. In my lifegroup we are going through the "Cross Centered Life." What an excellent book that deals with exactly where I am at. Father, may my speech and thoughts tonight be focused on You and may You deal with me where I am at. Meet me here Lord and make my heart for You. I want now to be focusing more and more on You with each and every day that passes. You are not my center and this I confess....help me to bring You there. Without You moving it will be impossible. For now, all I want is You and this season of my life You need to be my focus.

The book is short and to the point but says so much truth. Tonight we sat around and talked about what it is that defines us. I already know the things that come to my mind and out of my mouth the most and so I have been working diligently to fight these. Father, forgive me that I give my love to another most often. How do I see anything or want anything more then You? Forgive me for my weakness. My constant sin. Today's failures that I knowingly go through with. I need You to work in me and give me the strength that I lack and the willingness to fight all other things that bum You out of my focus point. Without You as the center my orbit is completely off. Please bless these next couple months as I take off to just take You in.

We looked last week briefly at the relationship between Paul and Timothy. There are some great points I want to remember from this book....
2Tim 1:11-12
Of this gospel I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher...I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed.

2 Tim 1:14
Guard the good deposit that was untrusted to you-guard it with the help of the Holy Spirit who lives in us.

1 Cor 2:2
"resolved to know nothing...except Jesus Christ and him crucified."

If only that was the definition of me without distraction. That is literally all and I really mean ALL that I really, really want to work on this time. There are other things but until Christ is really the center non of them will work out either. I don't want to try and be anyone but me. But...I want to pray without ceasing making each and every piece of my day with Him in the focus line. That is how I can glorify Him.

Practically speaking what does defining myself by my Father look like? Well, for me not getting on to the phone or computer the second I wake. Spending time in prayer to begin my day. Praying before eating not so that I become legalistic...because I really stink at that but because that reminds me what I eat for. That will help me to slow it down and eat the things I should (for training purposes, for health, less emotional eating, less doing it because food is good and more doing it to glorify He who made the food). Next, thinking and training my mouth and mind about Him. Maybe reading in the mornings or on lunch breaks. Being less attached to the cellphone or computer that rob more then enough time from God.

Delighting in Your presence and in Your way is what I seek. I want to love Your word, Your love letter and Your story. I want it to be the motivator of my moves. May I my life be a worship offering and work worthy of You. Today I messed up....big...probably. Not really sure why I am so weak that I continue to choose sin over You. I know the taste only hurts me and does not satisfy yet it proves to me more and more I am weak. No excuses...just seeking more. May You continue to move me, move with me and mold me. Goodnight my Father, my love...may nothing else matter. May nothing else temporarily satisfy. Help me to really get it.

Just You

Tonight my eyes still sting. I am such a happy and joyful person who loves life. I thank You for that Father. Why then am I so tough with such a soft heart? I don't get it. Tonight's words stung and so did the thoughts brought up by them. I can't stand this and fail to understand. The warm salty tears and the stinging feeling....

I turned away to run...literally. About a mile in I realized God how I run from everything. Anything that is painful...or anything that stings. God, please be my comfort and my strength and help me to find something worth sticking around for. May I not run from the things in my life right now but know YOU have them there as part of the plan. Your plan would fail be be so if I just always got my way. Why God right now do You allow me so much hurt and pain.

On one side I feel so stupid that I can't shake it. On the other I am embarrassed and frustrated and feel really weak but not in a good way. How is it with the amount of stuff I have gone through there is still a very weak spot in my heart. It continues to burn.

I get it that I still fail to get it. It may be months or years before I truly understand it. May I continue to seek and understand You Father. You alone are worthy of my love and You alone are in charge of my destiny. I just wish it did not hurt so bad. Perhaps if I quit running from You then it would not. I would not fail to see Your glory and feel Your overwhelming love.

I cannot believe how much I still run, how much I still plan. There are things in life that can't be planned. How much I did not realize I am a planner. So, where does Your plan take over and where does mine fit? Help me to stick around where You want me and not run from the uncomfortable. Help me not to run to others...I still fail You because I still don't understand true surrender to You. I lack that and You have made me so strong and STUBBORN. That can be a curse Lord though I know somehow You have made me to glorify You.

Delightfully full life has been. I have got to relinquish some control though as I am just seeing ugliness in my need for planning. Blah...I always have a plan...well.... There is some work stuff going on that I pray and beg You Lord to help me make the right decision when the time is right. I thank You for such a blessing and the wonderful things and opportunities You fill my life with. I am so enjoying people and things but loose so much time in a day.

On my face is where I belong Lord at Your feet. I am so stubborn that I need You to help me desire You more and more. It seems so hard to be there. To just be with You. I need that and want that more and more. Thank You for the wonderful friends, for the ability to run. Thank You for the beauty in the sky Lord. I fail to see so much beauty anywhere else then in the big puffy clouds, the light and darkness of the sky, the moon and the stars. They are breathtaking Father as are You as well.
Thank You Father for music that brings me chills and fills me with more emotions then I know how to describe. Thank You for gentleness and protectiveness. Thank You for touch and love.

May I just chase You now Father. That is all I want. Don't allow anyone or anthing to distract. Just You, only You it has to be about You. Father...You Alone.

Willing

Father, You let us be disobediant children. Day after day we chase and are bombarded by everything but You. Growing hurts but when I see what I am in sight of You and Your glory I am thankful that You don't leave me unchanged. May it continue and Father God I pray that my heartbeats lines up with Yours. Beat. Beat. Beat.

Tonight, though unsaid exactly I realized how much I try to force my plan as Your will. It is so terribly wrong and it prevents me from seeing what Your trying to show me. You know times and futures and what life and people will be like and I need to believe more then just trust that. My wants are not necessarily what is best for me in life but I see how I can push or manipulate sometimes meaning to and sometimes not but none the less it has the same effect. Father, may I not force directions but may I allow You to lead. I panic and push with so many things. I can't handle steady water.

It totally breaks my heart and makes me realize how many things I feel like I messed up. I don't regret life but I will grow....I don't like having to go through the experiences to get that way. God I beg You to allow me to pursue Your will and Your wants and not mistake my own for Your plan. Make it clear when something is me trying to be in control and may my heart be at peace. I love You God and am so, so very sorry and heartbroken that I don't trust You so I have to move...and...all the time. Burning one thing to another trying to find my own way through life. If I would calm it down and not try to speed life up at the rate I go...things might be different and might change. May my heart not want my will or see my own seeking as Your will. Show me Your will and Your love.

God, how beautiful You are and how I wish my words were enough. I love You so much and want to want You more. I need You so much. Thank You precious love for all You do. For saving me and continuing to rescue me. For being my Father even when I run. For Your forgiving and all consuming love. I want You so bad...I ache for Your presence. The joy You give, the way You move and how I can move to You. There is nothing else for me but You. May I know and be Your copassion and love others first. I want You to change me and make me useful for You. Show and teach me how to love. There is so much going on outside of me I ask You to show me. Make me see how little I matter and how each and everything can be solved by my love and focus on You. Change my heart, my mind, fill my voids, the deepest parts. Sometimes songs just say it all so much better. Thank You beautiful God...


Garden by Needtobreathe

Won’t you take this cup from me
‘Cause fear has stolen all my sleep
If tomorrow means my death
I pray you’ll save their souls with it

Let the songs I sing
Bring joy to you
Let the words I say profess my love
Let the notes I choose
Be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you

In this hour of doubt I see
But who I am is not just me
So give me strength to die myself
So love can live to tell the tale

Let the songs I sing
Bring joy to you
Let the words I say profess my love
Let the notes I choose
Be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you

Father let my heart be…
For you

Let the songs I sing
Bring joy to you
Let the words I say profess my love
Let the notes I choose
Be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you

Anxiety

Dropped a sock down my stair, swept up my unbrushed hair (impossible to brush curly hair), listening to a Enter the Worship Circle song, closet color coordinated (can't help it), and trying to quiet down the anxiety. It is funny how many things in a day cause this stirring feeling of urgency within me. I just plan too much and am on the go all the time. Being quiet and sitting still are never possible because if my body is quiet then my mind and insides are stirring.

Today, I managed to relax enough after two trips out of the house. I was able to sit still for most of an entire movie and though seemingly very small accomplishment for others a huge step in the right direction for me. Now, I am anxious yet again because though only midway through the day I feel the time escaping quickly. Funny how much that effects my stomach and my insides but I literally feel the anxiousness inside me because of the list of things I have to do. The best part is to others these things are hardly pressing matters but to me...the are things I want to accomplish by the end of the day (or when I finally give up on staying awake). So, now beside the bazillion thoughts in my head I have a bookcase that is entirely disorganized and needs some cleaning, one to a couple hours of running to accomplish, the steam room and shower, a calendar to add some dates too, a bedroom floor that needs mopping and polishing, some dusting because the wind made my room a little extra dirty, a dinner to see, a missions application to finish, a phone call to make, one last load of laundry and then towels, furniture to polish, memories to go through, mail to go through, and...you catch the drift. This does not even include a prayer or QUIET time. And I wonder why it is so difficult to focus and listen to God. Spending time at His feet is so difficult because my mind is always listing off stuff to accomplish.

Good this is in some ways because it allows me to never be bord. Also, I tend to make plans but can be flexible to allow for more. I wanted to read a book today and to get to the cleaning but at this hour it is doubtful that will happen. I want to leave room for God to move and so I will keep my life busy and flexible. This year my only resolution is not to begin more things. Keep focused on the ones your doing unless your replacing but no more starting too many things. I am always ALWAYS seeking to learn things and trying to accomplish more and more. When I do accomplish something it is time to begin something else. So, when I get the urge to jump on 10 other things I have resolved to simply run. There is lots and lots of this to do before the next 1/2 marathon and I am hoping for a full by either Dec 5 or the January one here in Arizona.

Next on my list of things to do.... Continuing to work on my relationship with God. My mind should be as focused on Him and yet my thoughts distract. I was reading something in Exodus the other day about Moses and how he wanted to see God. He had a conversation with God that was very encouraging and once again a good reminder of what God does and how He works. We have also started reading a book in my small group called The Cross Centered Life. I am interested to see what I can learn in this book and my Pathways class (time 2 since I audited it the first time) begins soon so there will be opportunities up and coming.

God has been softening me and my relationship with my family lately. It is very difficult or more easily said they are difficult for me. It takes years and years for me to really love them and let my guard down. My guard is always up and it come out in how I treat them and my attitude. It is time I learn through this and God is allowing me to be different. I know only He can move here and I can't just make friends outside of my family or be embarrassed by them. This is so humbling and difficult for me. My family has never been part of my friends or guy circle so I get really uptight and uncomfortable. In fact sometimes just being in this house I get that way and yes I it comes out in my verbal responses to them. God, continue to make me more gentle and loving with them. I should not be the way I am and I cannot allow people judgement of my family...or my perceived judgement to affect how I respond. That...totally sinful. I don't let guys around my family and so few guys families do I really click with. There have been maybe one or two...maybe....

Thinking about family I am so thankful for the Drowns and the Wrights. So, what an interesting blessing that my two favorite people from my two favorite families are dating. I think the world of both of them but realize still how awkward I am with people and their family. Also, this situation teaches me so much about dating in a very funny way and I am just at the point I don't believe there is anyone really made for me. There are so many things I want and don't want and it never lines up and then I spend all my time exhausted because either I am on guard or I finally let my guard down and get hurt.

I spoke with Theresa about some of this today and only feel at liberty to post it all in a blog because I am almost certain no one reads this and even if they do what does it really matter? I am not shy or quiet about what I want or feel and so God made me to bring Him glory just how I am so I am going to be me. There is nothing wrong with being single and sometimes I am more thankful for it then not. There are frustrations in that and I am literally to the point of walking from it all. I did enjoy entertaining the thought of a particular gentleman this week but cut it short. I don't want to go down that road because it will just be harmful. I will just have to see what he does if anything though I can't say I did not enjoy him coming over to me on Tuesday night. The funny thing is that it was the same boy I spoke of in another blog who I had dinner with at camp one night. All I can say is that at least for now he has my attention. Not a clue if I will ever even talk to him again...in fact I just got his first name again. Ok, but moving on...

So, Theresa suggested I pray for my future hubby....(yes, I have before but I don't see one ever really working out at this point. For real...). So, I am trying now to take what I like about guy situations and what I really hated to try and discern what is important and what is just a preference.

Things I really don't love... well...lets not focus on those because I think I vent enough about what irritates me. So, things I at least think I want....I love guys who are easy to be with. Guys who are playful and will play with me not just assess me from a distance. I like touch and even as friends can't help but touch and naturally want to be very close physically with someone. I like dark hair and blue eyes though I know that is not the most important thing. Guitars....I like guys who know what they want and go for it. Guys who are gentle and sweet with me and I love any guy who will protect me especially when it is from themselves. I like movies and coffee and rain and jeans and flip flops and hoodies someone I can just hang with. I like sharing life. Love being able to share food (weird but I hate going to a restaurant and not being able to share). I like guys who like to do what I do just because I do it. Like guys who make it clear they are the guy. Like guys who make moves on me...in a confident way...when I like them. Guys who like to drive..oh and a sense of direction would be nice. Guys who pray and will pray with me and live out the gospel. I want someone with a clear heart for God who runs after God...who I can see the evidence of that. Someone who needs to talk and who can listen. A guy who I like being with his family and this is far and few between because this never happens. Guys who like animals and the outside and laying in grass and trees. Guys who like me clearly and can make decisions but won't force them. Guys who ask questions and like being with me. Guys who laugh and are easygoing. More and more I like guys with a purpose. Guys who like music...and the more and more I make this list the more I realize I don't know what I want because you can't put a person in words though it is supposed to be easy. I guess I don't know easy because someone always makes it difficult. It should be a known....

Now, all the irrelevance of all that is always up for change because with each guy that passes in and out of my life I learn more and more. I realize how much I like guys who stir up my feelings and who are compassionate and deep. I really need someone who I can connect mentally with...but who is to say what I want because I am always wrong and they never work out. They just get messy and God I don't want the mess. Not worth it. Or the heartache. Stings and sets me in a series of emotions. Stupid guys leading girls like me....stupid me for making the decisions I make....all in Your time and for Your glory. Can't turn the clock back but I can deal with the passing time. Forward and up we go out into Your world and Your plan. And...I am running out of precious time as we speak so it is time to go.

Wind

It whips about my windows causing my curtains to shift gracefully back and forth. It dances to a crazy sound outside nearly unheard of in Arizona. The rush, the howling, the pitch and leaves blowing makes the outside seem to lash out on everything about it. I am trapped but only temporarily and so I sit here and dream. I want to see to feel and hear and experience each and every second of life including this wind. I turn the lights low and lay in my bed leaning closer to the window to be part of something bigger then myself. The door slams and I shudder but am filled with a strange excitement.

Stirred up my thoughts are and a tornado warning fills the news and facebook pages. I am definitely not in Kansas but I lay here in awe with my cat Tom. Tomcat I feel is a pretty good companion and very low maintenance. He can have my heart or at least my love and I trust this guy. Sweet and gentle and thankful I am for the company as my eyes press inward to see more. I am growing strangely tired but there is much yet to do before tucking in this evening. I have 10 miles of running to accomplish but this storm is too much to pass by. I will just lay here and listen.

There is prayer to be made and a discussion with the God who makes the wind and weather. He is so great and mighty and we see not even a glimpse of that amidst the angry wind. Angry wind it seems but angry it is not to me. Desperate to live, desperate to feel, I want it. I run out into it's furry and it rages all about me. It is beauty in the rawest form. It is power and controlled by my God who has everything in His hands. I melt in it and curl beneath it. Tonight...I will just experience it all. Breathe it, smell it, taste it, hear it, and feel it.

You are here

I am simply reminded now as I lay in bed...that ache Lord...is for You. I want so bad just to be held...and for some reason am always reminded of that when I fall asleep. I pray that I would know Your presence and may there I drift to sleep. So, buried beneath a heavy blanket, surrounded by pillows I create my own feeling of protection and the closest thing to feeling someone there...help me to fill any ache with You...I love You my faithful Father.

Forgetful

Today is just another day off for me. That means lots and lots going on because sitting still happens when I am sleeping. Distraction of course is not a new thing for me but when it needs to really stop and be controlled is when it distracts from God. I was moving about dealing with laundry and listening to the birds chirp and the rain dripping down my windows when I was distracted by my brain. It shifts gears quickly which tends to be both a blessing and a curse equally. The times I don't want it to shift is when I am processing something and get an ah ha moment. So, as I was dealing with one of these it began shifting and I jumped on here and spent some time chaning my blogger template.

Back to business it is. There is a lot to accomplish this year and so many things I wish were different. Well, I am working on changing them but it is always such a gradual process. Marathons seem to be the theme for this year for me and hopefully one very good and lasting distraction. I am contemplating at this very moment setting up a nice little prayer corner in my room though I have yet to discover how this is possible...it will be a work in process. I would also like to not be stressed because when I am I eat more and then feel sick and then have to work out more to try and fix the problem and then it become a cycle. What I reall need in that moment is to pray.

Forgetfullness. I forget to pray and make all kinds of very quick decisions. Some of these are great and some not so great but I continue to bump about through life figuring it out as I go. The most crucial thing is that each of these situations, my sins, my failures, my insecurities, my frustrations even the amazing and joyful things are all for one reason. When I forget God I lean to myself and things go array. I was remember the voice of a newer friend who told me that sin in someones life can ruin a blessing. I have not take too much time to dwell on the doctrinal truths or failures of that statement but mixed with the female brain rolls back into view and ties itself to many other thoughts up there.

I wonder on a side note if thoughts ever leave or if they are continually recycled in my brain. Maybe they die down for a bit and something reminds me and brings them back into view for awhile again. I want to find a trash bin not so much a reycling one : )

Back to the point...it was through her telling me that about a week ago and some other jumblings in my head that allowed me to see how I totally take things into my control. I make things comfortable for myself and then I can deal with them...that is my form of control. There are few things I can't deal with and the ones that are seem to be very funny and a little out of the ordinary. I was thinking about a situation I did not let happen. I led it or helped it along exactly how I thought it should go. Well, it blew up in my face. This is not the first time that has happened in life and proably not the last.

I am learning a little through some close friendships about lead and follow just like I have to learn in dance. The movements when two partners are in sink feels right and totally beautiful. I have noticed this before many, many years ago and how much this relates to relationships as well as my walk with Christ. I tend to be a planner though somehow I think I am not at all a planner. Odd right? I guess it is because I have a general idea and way about things but also can make changes very, very quickly. Oh, and I don't exactly keep to a schedule or a rigid timeframe but that is more because I am a very difficult rule follower. So, I make my plans.

Well, so when life is moving nicely along I feel I can step in and shift things one way or another. Usually, it works out well for me but there is one very specific area it does not. It all goes back to lead and following. I really have to learn to follow when it is oh so easy for me to go after what I want in life. It is actually a bit embarassing that there are so few guys as strong as I am in life. It also stinks when I can lead things but it is certainly not my role.

Now, that leaves me blushing a bit and sad at the same time. I can't change life all I can do is move forward continually learning. Also, it is time for me to begin dancing a lot more. I learn continually how to trust and how to follow and that is exactly what I have to do with God. I can't shift anything any direction though I sometimes feel I have the control to do so. I need to just follow and wait and love God. It is an interesting thing to do especially when I am very stubborn and He is going to be teaching me this lesson probably in ways I highly dislike. He has to have it...all of it. All of me, every part. And....well...that is for another blog!

Marthons, racing, and running.

I sit here a bit sore from yesterdays P.F.Chang 1/2 Marathon and am all snuggled up in my event sweatshirt. Muscles I was not aware I had are sore and I have had stomach issues and a minor headache all day. The first two miles we ran and the third we walked. At mile 4 I lost Mandy and Peter at my jog because I was going at a faster speed. I bound happily along and on my way until 5 miles of that and then soon after I hit a wall. So, to say the least mile 10-13 totally stunk. My stomach cramped badly as well as a calf tensing, some behind the knee issue and my energy was dropping. I made it. I pushed through those last crappy three miles ran across the finish with a final time of 3:04:37, which sort of stunk but I stopped training at about 9 miles the first week of December. June 6th, there is another race in San Diego and I am going to begin training for that one starting tomorrow because I would like this one to be closer to a walk in the part.

Bounding happily along miles 4 through 8 I had plenty of time to think. I was sailing along realizing how much I enjoyed running although the walkers in the way were creating quit a game of frogger. How would you like to run like your drunk weaving in and out all about the lanes. That had to have added some seriously excess miles to the 13.1 that were clocked for the event but my slightly competitive nature made it all that much more enjoyable to pass people up! So, running is something I definitely enjoy doing. I was missing my friend but me and her are not the same and she and Peter are such a great match that I knew they would enjoy the race together best. That got me thinking how difficult it can be to find someone who you click with. The person who just is fun and easy to be with and will do life with you and alongside you is something not easily found but very desirable. H

Great, of course I am back to thinking about guys...blah...As I ran though I realized how much life I like to live and how difficult that would be to do without someone who was not like-minded. Yesterday would have been so much more fun to finish with someone...but finding someone at my speed or at least who will run side by side seems impossible. The race ended and I spent the rest of the day with the two of them. I love them together I really do and that is such a blessing. She gets along with him and his family and they just work so well. I am beginning to see the same blessing begin with Zack and Maria. Also such a great and easy match. I guess it should be easy. I am not easily pleased nor do guys easily win my attention or my affection.

It was those thoughts that I sat in when we were in church. I focused as well as I could on what Tom was preaching. It is so much easier if God would take those desires away but He does not. It is more difficult when I spend so much time with couples and find I have to do so alone. My mind so easily wandered and I knew as I still know I am capable of filling that void again with the next "pretend boyfriend" or male companion. That does not work. There is nothing platonic because the rope always bends one way or another or on occasion both. I sat there thinking of a guy I had met at camp who had managed to win my attention. He was sitting very near. I killed that thought...several times realizing I was just looking again for a filler. I was not and am still struggling to allow God to fill that place. No more stinkin fillers...I want the next one to be real.

Today I had coffee with my discipleship leader. She wanted to know where I was at as I had shared some stuff in group that I was hurt and frustrated by. No more coffees, no more one on one, I begged for prayer that all guys would just be out of my life because my heart can't handle anymore....Then today we chatted and I brought a name up. I thought nothing of it but she tuned in. The only reason I brought the name up was because somewhere around October I was completely confused and praying about two guys in my life plus two others had asked me to coffee. This particular one I had turned down. He had then asked me to go running with him and again I turned him down. I had spent a few moments with him at a friends house and he had been especially great and protective and sensitive to my heart when there was a very difficult "break-up" situation in June. Now, the reason her ears perked up was because she is very interested in the idea of this relationship.

"Why did you say no are you crazy?" Well, I thought no but I told her I was already dealing with an abundance of guy issues at that moment and one other would have really stressed me out. After some discussion about the issue we have come up with only one conclusion: I agreed to try and keep an open mind and pray about it. That is all I can really do because my heart is not open to any suggestions currently. He is a great guy who is involved in many parts of my life. He likes ministry or missions, he likes to run and was supposed to be running the full marathon yesterday, he is clear with his intentions and pursuit, he is a super sweet and gentle guy who is always willing to help me out or be there for me, and he loves Jesus, is friends with the only close adult male in my life, and has some direction. Oh, and did I mention he is starting in my lifegroup on Wednesday? I guess I don't know and I can't plan what God wants. I can't make guys work when they won't no matter how much I care about them nor can I wait on "ifs" to happen because I refuse to wait on something that may never be. So, now what?

Later this afternoon that had my wheels spinning and I know he is exciting. I love guys that are social and chatty, guys who like to be with me and who are willing to do things in life. There are things he has that I don't like as well but I won't go there now. All I can really do is keep my promise to pray about the situation even though I seem to be more attracted to the guy from camp who plopped beside me and had dinner with me one evening. I have an idea of what I want but not only does that never work I seem to be more wounded when it is finished. Where God do you want me and where does this end?

I am not ready to go down this road and I am not ready to give anyone my attention right now. No rebounds and no fillers. God, I need You and I need to learn it is You who satisfies. I can't say it enough and I can't handle a guy starting something he can't finish in my heart. I don't' know if I am ready to give this guy a chance or if I really should because now is when I feel like I need a male sabbatical. I cannot force Your plan God but help me to trust it going forward even when it is uncomfortable and I don't understand it in the least. I had more discussions that led me to a list of these things I like and these things I don't and I like this about him or that about him. God, please bring it together in one person and may it just fall into place in Your time. I can and will continue to run literally and figuratively but will You teach me when it is right. I want it to be easy...with him, with his family, with You. I am watching it fall into place for others but almost no longer believe You have anything that will just be easy and great and a blessing for me.

All I know at this point is I have to control my mind and let go and go forward. Running in the physical is what I will do but just to train for June. I am going to fill my life with good and God things but need Your strength not to fill it with guy ones. No fillers to take Your place. No fillers to take his. Just waiting patiently.

Falling in Love

After a great discussion last night there are some things about Christians I have concluded. I sat and watched a part of a Piper series with Cathy and after some reflection realized there is just so much missing. The idea of our lives and our joy being captured by Christ and through experiencing Him not just thinking about Him struck me. It is easy for me to think about Him but getting my heart and physical response to lined up seems to be a bit more difficult.

Capture my heart right now Father and may it belong to You. May I thirst for your affections and desire Your presence more then the replacements I so long for. I am needed to take a step back and think about who You are. We fall in love with people so easily and that requires deep affection and our attention but why then is studying You so difficult? Your love requires our life and yet You are the one who has given it to us. Cause me Lord to see You and You alone and may I daily fall more and more in love with You. Father, may I be captivated by You.

I am in a forward motion. Things are changing and I pray for the better. I watch people fall in love and I see and hear the things my heart loves. Father, I need You to be more and I need You to help me battle this daily. There are few people truely in my life who live completly in awe of You. They are blessings and true examples. I regret that my life can slip in and out of deep affection. This worries me at times because somewhere between my heart and head there is a disconnect. I see the lives of the believers around me and Lord I can pick out less then a handful of those who are truely, madly, passionate involved with You. I see their joy and their spirit and their motives and desire the same. Love however does not come without work and I need Your help to be self-disciplined enough to find You there and seek You just as the deer pants for water may I cry out for You. Be my joy be my all be my love, my heartbeat, the pulse in my veins the words in my head and most of all Father my treasure.

I feel as though the ratio is off and maybe we all need to kill the other things that chase and beg for our time. I see lives that appear to love You and live for You but being consumed and captivated by You they lack. They seem to have a constant shift in their foot from being heavier in the world then in Your presence. May I know that. May I thirst for Your word Father and Your presence. Practically I need Your help. I need You to give me what I need to put these into actions. I don't want to be a head Christian but a heart one.

Importance of the word.
January 15th, 2010
Just going to look up verses because I am lacking totally and completely a desire to be in the Word. It takes prayer and discipline and so I am just going to begin with topical searches and prayer and beg God to help me need and deeply long for His presence and His word. The difficult part begins now…

Dt. 8:2-3
And you shall remember the whole way that the Lord your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, wheather you would keep His commandments or not. And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that He might make youknow that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of God.

Wow…I may have just figured out a direction and some of the whys I have been asking. What a funny beginning to something I really need to learn. I have been begging and crying out to God for many things lately but this might be and “accidental” yet exact leading of what God is needing me to see. So, it looks like I now know what I will be studying and crazy how much this says right now and what volumes this speaks to why I have to continually deal with specific circumstance…this is just the beginning of the reasons why and this will answer the what God wants from me as well.

There are many reasons God led Israel through the desert but much of it was learning, trust and humbleness. He says they were being tested and though He knew the way they were not ready to get to the promise. They were to wander so He could test their hearts, be humbled and know we live by not ony bread but by God’s word. Last night Cathy brought up a great point about the Word as well…it is LIVING. Think about what living word means…there is much to read and pray about but what a great and exacting spot for me to begin. Father, bless now my time with You and make it a place I don’t want to leave. Teach me know exactly what You need me to know and understand and may Your Spirit be alive and make it clear so I have understanding in it. Thank You so much for such a quickly answered pray. Step 1 begins…

Delighting

Father, when my heart is bruised and weary may You teach me how to delight in You. I am sitting here looking forward to this evening but not the next guy on my list of non boyfriends. I am not interested and though he is a great guy and has everything going for him...I am just not there. I thought ignoring him to some extent would help. I thought not texting him back or writing on all his post or chatting a distance would make it clear. It is of course not and tonight I have two emails from him for plans for the weekend.

My heart is weary beyond belief and Father I beg You no more. I don't want to go down any road and at this point I don't want anyone near. Protect me Father like You promise. Your daughter is crying out and does not pretend to understand anymore and simply can't do it any longer. I don't want anymore. No more guys asking me to coffee or dates or hiking or whatever Father unless they are just friends or unless it is someone who is supposed to be more. I am tired and wounded and I just can't seem to stay out of these situations no matter how hard I try. I want out...no more...

God, what does it look like to only love You? What does it look like to not care about guys in that way and not be waiting on that? I don't understand why that desire is there if it is only a terrible and painful experience in my life. It is one after the other and it does not stop. Well, now it has to because I am not going down any guy led road or one of my own. I just want to be wrapped in Your arms and know. I want to get what it is Your forcing me to learn because this pain is suffocating.

It never works out. I go into every relationship expecting the end and the worst and every time that is how it happens. Somehow I still have that hope that the next one will work out or be different and then months later I am here again. It is up to You because I am taking time off and there will be no Yes's from me until You make it very , very clear. I want to honor You and if there is a future husband for me then him too. I can't hang onto these tragic relationships. Only one ended well and I am thankful for him. The rest are all the same...

May I know through this that I am a daughter of the King who eagerly awaits home. I think I may need to set a specific time frame in my life where no guy even the "right" guy or seeminly right guy would be allowed to do anything but be friends. I feel like I need to only focus on You and be extra gaurded and just love You. You alone can fill me and all this pain seems like a waiste of my heart and time. May I find my love and my delight in Your presence.

Your precious and holy and beautiful and it is You I breathe for. I delight in Your presence and before Your throne. Draw me continually to me knees and make my life clear. I can do the unknown but I can't do the fog. Maybe that is all You want. You demand my life and I so easily give it to others I love or care for or desire. May You work it out in me and may I see the situtions as You wish. I beg You Father that I hurt no one on my own journey and that I don't stumble through Your blessings and destroy them by my own sin. May I know Your continued peace and may You work in my heart.

I am here. I continue to ask You to help me to really and entirely surrender. No distraction to get in the way nor sin to steal me from You. I want You. All of You. I ache for it Father. Be the one whos thoughts fill my mind and may my love for You consume me. I need You so much. God...I am on my knees at Your feet begging You...Hold jme tight and help me give it all to You with my hands wide open.

Beauty from wreck

Feeling the sun beating against my bare skin. The light shines from the sun making me squint. Breathing. Air fresh and free and the day is beautiful. Father, how precious are You and how amazing is Your love. The way lives change. There is so much to say to You and so many things I love You for. This note, or blog are just brief seconds of thoughts that ramble through my head. I should and probably could take this off for it is not a blog that I hide behind. Rather into my head it goes and with that the truth of what I feel. May it, though revealing find it's way to bringing God glory though it will show beauty and ugliness of truth.

So much to say and so much on my heart. It moves forward in humble adoration of my King and how is perfecting me one step at a time. Not perfecting as if I will ever reach that place but in the way that my life is undergoing constant fire. I am not to be what I am but will a broken vessel continually renewed and filled by the plans God has for me.

Relief and deep breaths. Good breaths and good feelings in my heart and in my chest. There are still things I dislike and there is still pain but I am not feeling it. It has been replaced by an inexpressable joy that I pray will be the remains. I long that my heart will always feel that even in the midst of deepness and overwhelming waves. My gracious Father I cannot praise You and thank You more for the moments you turn absolute mess and hurt into beauty. That is what You show me in my life that You do and in the plans You fullfill. And Father...in Your time they bring beauty.

Peacefulness of mind has been long in coming. There are goodbyes to say and things to chase Father. I want them and I want to do them for You. Forgive me for the ways I have chosen less. For the sins I have excused or overlooked knowing they were part of my plan. May I trust complitly in Yours. May the goodbyes be filled with joy and may they continue to encourage me to move forward. Fast forward I go.

In life I want You and Your complications. I want Your seriousness and Your commitment. I want Your love and to be completly covered in and by You. There is the Spain trip to begin. Letters and training. Money to raise. There are times on my knees and times to speak. People to love. I am enjoying the unfolding beauty of a relationship between two people who mean the world to me. Father, continue to shape and mold that into EXACTLY what You mean for it. May the be gentle with each others hearts. God, how precious that is and I pray for the continued innocence and absolutle joy in that. I love how You take the messiness of people and make in beautiful when they are pursuing You first. How out of it You can make them beautiful even though everyone of us brings dirt and junk and ugliness and just sin into the picture. You Father make us and change us into the butterfly.

New friends bring a light into the picture. Your surrounding me by love and people who Father are protective of me and my heart. The body is so important and Father You have blessed me in an immense way with such a covering of friends from different churches, different circles, different walks but all who love You and are taking amazing roles in my life and my mess. You see what we are and You don't think the less. Father, may You continue to change my complications and my ugliness into Your beauty. Thank You for moments of happiness and the joy that You promise. The freedom that is You and that You bring.

Relationships can tend to bring a sadness to my heart Father but You have relieved any of that and given me boldness and honesty. Sometimes I do not like that about myself but at the same time I am thankful that I have no desire to hide it out or be fake about the way I am. Bring in Your time the right person Father and may my heart not be shifted down roads I have no plan to go by guys who manipulate it. My heart is precious and it belongs to You and I gaurd that and protect that tightly. Father, Abba protect me from the pain of it responding when led and allow it only to open in the right time. I don't want to make a list of does and donts. May my life not be a list of pros and cons Father but may You just make it a blessing and all in the right time. For now I am closing all other doors because they are not right. You make it very evident because right now I see nothing worthy of my time and my energy. Only what brings You glory Lord...bring that... I can see what negative, manipulation and confusion can be brought into my life. That is entirely the wrong path Father and I want nothing to do with it. You get the best of me and my time and my love. I want to be fought for and so far am not finding a worthy seeker. In Your time and Father I will rest thankfully in that.

I trust You. May I know You. I want You more then anything Father and I know You have me there for a purpose or I would be home with You. May I use this time in boldness and with everything You have made in me. I love it and I need to live for You. Thank You Father. I belong facedown and at Your side and owe You EVERYTHING. Every breath, every moment, every laugh, every day spent in the grass looking up into Your beautiful creationg. Precious Father.....Be my music and my song and own my hearbeat. I SURRENDER IT ALL TO YOU.

Unsaid

There is so much swirling in my head and the plans that are panning out for the year are incredible. There is so much yet to do and so much life to live and I continue to chase it with what energy I have. Moments and things in my head are enjoyable at the moment and yet there is always a lingering confusing that I choose at this very second to overlook.

What a fun blessing and joy it has been as of late getting the opportunity to help out a very special brother in Christ. I love him dearly and I am having such a great time encouraging him and walking him through a delighfully fun girl situation in his life. It is so great how excited I am for him and of course for her as well. I saw it coming and a bit of a spark and now I just get to be a sister to him and her a well and watch God how your perfect plan unfolds. Thank you precious Father for allowing me to part of Your beautiful blessing for someone else. I pray Father that You continue to captivate both their hearts and if it is Your will that You continue to bring them together along on this beautiful journey. Precious!

Other delayed thoughts in my mind I can overlook because I can't do a single thing but hang out. I try not to think on them too often because then it will only lead me to questions I don't have a single answer for. I have to sit here and be patient and try to just love You and love the people in my life and trust that You have it. Thank You Father for continuing to bless this stubborn and unfaithful child. I continue to fall short and to choose sin and not all that You would have. Continue to drive my heart and convict me even in the ways I do not see that I sin. Father may I bless others and seek to love others more then myself and what I want. May You make this strange tug on my heart a little clearer as I can't explain it but I feel it. I beg You to be my guide for my actions and my pursuits.

Spain is in order God and may I continue to seek to serve You through how you have blessed and gifted me. Monday is Theresa's last night in the United States. The Paasch girls go back to Chicago tomorrow. There are relationships on my mind and some in question. You have blessed me Father tremendously with the people You have allowed in my life and they each have a purpose and a role. Thank You Father for Cathy and for the motherlike role she has taken in my life. It is such a praise and blessing and I love her guidance and protection. She is so sweet and gently is always pushing me toward You. So gracious and so encouraging. She cares so much and so deeply and so guinuinly. Thank You that she cares so much about my heart and wants so desperatly for it to be for You. She hurts when my heart is injured and in such a loving and motherly way wants to protect me from the damage it can be caused.

Clarity would be great Father but it is not my job to make things clear. I am going to just continue to run forward and try to push aside any feelings that may complicate things. It is funny to think about but I don't always know what to do with the way I feel and though I am very expressive it is not usually with heart stuff. I can verbalize it to others but not often to the people it deals with. It is strange to have to figure out what to do with heart stuff. Things you can niether explain nor control though control or surpress is exactly what I think is best. Help me to know what I feel, why I feel it and then what to do there or how to deal with it because I can walk away and leave it and ignore it because Father that is what I have to do . How else does a girl protect her heart?

Well, all this beside the point it is time to get ready for girls night out and about. Can't wait for dinner and a movie and lots and lots of girl chatter. Father, may You guide and bless that conversation and may we enjoy it immensly. Help me to continue to be a big sister and a role model for this ladies God. I love them all so dearly. Please bless the guy conversations that I know we will each bring up...may we be gentle in speech, not stir or arouse thoughts and emotions that are frustration or negative, God may we love our brothers for what they are and enjoy what You are doing in each of our lives. I pray for a Christ-filled prayer time that we all need so very much and Father may You bless each and everyone of these girls and may they live a life so desperatly devoted and wreklassly abandoned to You!

Purpose-ing

Today I have been out and about and extremely tired yet still very driven. Most of the day has already concluded and I am going on my second night this week with almost no sleep which may make this blog a very interesting one. I am waiting on God for doors to open and directions to move about in and thankfully on my journey wondering around town today I received a wonderful phone call. I have been trying to seek the route in which I should be going ministry wise lately because I had given up so much of my joy in trying to pursue lesser things.

My heart right now is overflowing with the greatness and joy of God and the ways He moves my life. I am so excited to say there is a plan for a trip to Spain for one week this summer where I will also get to visit some people who are so near and dear to my heart. I can't wait for the opportunity this brings and Father thank You so much that my heart aches for the lost. I ache for You and thank You for stirring me up and shaking this heart to move in ways I do not understand. This morning began simply with a journey to an oil change and then all the other things swam about in my brain. I am on a mission and to be a purposeful person in my life.

On this journey for the kingdom do I embark and I constantly need the encouragement and drive of You Father. Continue to shift me the direction You would have for it is there I am most complete.

Other ideas swarming inside my brain will continue to push me forward. I have returned for a few hours with a bundle of random things and will venture out again after a nap I assume. There is only so much day left and so much to accomplish but I am a human and finally nauseated by the lack of rest. I sit beside a random assortment of bags that I collected full of great things or better stated things I can use to move forward in a direction.
I sit beside a "Frost Dragon" calender...I know you may be wondering about this situation. Two reasons for this at minimum; the calender was on sale and there were few to choose from, I like the fantasy world to some extent, I love the coloration and there are spaces to write on, I maintain that if I make one resolution this year it is that I need to write in a calender.

Next task or bag sitting besides previously mentioned calendar with a blue and brown color tone is two books. The first a cookbook I picked up as I am interested in some actual recipe building and this one has some healthy stuff in it including recipes for homemade protein bars and I am constantly seeking better ways to be healthy. The second is a book called Three Cups of Tea which I am very interested in. It talks about a humanitarian campaign in Pakistan and I am so interested in the Muslim people and their culture and ways. There is so much we can learn from the different ways of life and people and just genuinely loving Gods creations!

I have also a list of books on my shelf that I need to work my way through but this will commence after some napping, cleaning and actual organizing, and a trip to the gym. The other bags are not necessarily as exciting though I am pleased by the contents of them.
Random things like toothbrushes and bobby pins and other girlie things. It is at this moment that I am reminded at how frightening it is sometimes at the allusions guys have of girls. Yikes!! I am pretty blunt and bold and hope to not have to deal with the disillusionment of a man one day who realizes girls are humans too and not so perfect or so nonhuman though I am sure we appear as though we come from other planets. I know....I know....

Last order of business for this blog is the photography situation. It appears as though I am sitting around with at least 8 rolls of undeveloped film. I am debating through this situation as it seems that I should finally drop them off as somehow thy are dropping like fly and then disappearing. I fear the loss of at least four rolls and so Tempe Camera is in the future. However, I am also torn by trying to figure out a room or place to try and set up my darkroom again. What is a person to do? Hmmmm? Well, I want to begin to get started with all my toys like my books and calendar but have a couple quick things to do and a nap calling my name as my eyelids are sliding slowly down my face and the opening time is beginning to delay. Plus, the sickness I might yack situation in my stomach is also seemingly worse so for the next hour it is time to focus on what my body is saying.

Blabbering.

Just got of skype with a dear friend of mine and what a blessed turn of events. This young gentleman who once it appeared as though I were dating is now very interested in a friend of mine. I actually and totally love this and somehow saw it coming. I tuned in to a growing situation on New Years Eve which in fact I love for both of them. It makes things so much easier and I hope it will work out and be something totally and completely beautiful.

I am left here so thankful for his friendship but thankful there may be another girl in his life so we gain more of a distance in a pleasant way. I can't help but want to hold on to the friendship otherwise but need to let it go at the same time. It is not good to be too close with any guy and I protect that. Even more so Father am I thankful that you have allowed me to be joyful in this situation. I somehow just love it!

Tonight was a great night as I ventured dancing again after far too long. I missed it so very much and forgot how much it makes me smile. I love the way music feels and I can't help but enjoy moving to it. There is something about a spontaneous playfulness that burst forth to the movement of music. It is incredible and breathtaking and Father I pray you continue to bless me with ears to hear and the ability to feel and be moved by music and move to music as well. I cannot thank You enough my God, my Father for the joy You bring through life's beautiful things. May I praise You and honor You with it all and soak it all in and remember even more Your greatness through it all.

I am not sure where I am going tonight mind wise because there is a lot of thoughts jumping back and forth through my head. I am thinking about snowboarding and seeing my sister. I am thinking about running because I need to do so tomorrow. I am thinking about the pounding headache I have ignored mostly for the last couple days. I think I have eaten too much as well with some added stress. I know how much I need to be on my knees with all things and how much my mind can be consumed with all the other unnecessary stuff.

There are so many things I want for life and always things I want to pursue. I want so much to be more fit and healthier, to get out of debt and save, to get in a consistent study, get through some books, and there are just always more and more things on my mind. In fact I am pretty sure this is the most pointless posting ever.

Randomness. While doing life there are so many things we learn about ourselves and others. There is so much in life that I miss but the one thing I do notice is an incredible focus. When I am tuned into something or someone it seems pretty intense and I want to know it or them. I may not see everything but what I do see, I really see. I also notice that there are things about people that is so difficult for me to say. Things maybe I think or feel but have never said or stated. Sometimes I think people need to hear these things and I know I could write them. I could think them. I don't know what the time or reason always is to say them. It is interesting when some people love primarily through words of affirmation. I get that and I think things but will have to learn to say them. I hold my breath a lot and it takes me a very, very long time to trust someone enough unless they ask to say things about them. If asked I would give an honest opinion but when it is of my own doing I make sure on every level I trust them first and that they need to know what I think or what I feel or what I see when I see them.

I think this goes hand and hand with how people feel loved. My best friend loves like this and so I understand some things about it. I may need sometimes to hear those things but even more-so understand time and touch better. I would rather spend tons of time with someone, or touch then just say things. We are all turned on or better yet tuned in by different things and I thought mine was verbal because I have to communicate all the time. However...that goes someone with time because what is said does not always have to be life changing but I have to communicate through all facets to feel connection. So, though even though I don't always need words of affirmation I do need connections....always.

Let us see what other random subject will pop through my head now. I am working through trying not to work through a situation but just wait it out. I am trying to learn to pursue God and need God and always be in fellowship and at His feet and I stink miserably at it. I should go to be soon and I probably will. I have cleaning to do tomorrow...got to finish the deep cleaning. One more week just about before Theresa leaves. Wonder how much life will change in the next year. Wonder God what You have in store and what I should be doing right now. Wondering how to be patient and wait. You will stretch me even when I don't want it. Thinking about the way You refine us. If I can just wait it out. If I can just hold my breath or rather learn not to hold it and just be comfortable breathing. Is passively aggressively chatting and likes it. Is trying to understand and understand you. At this point is waiting things out and unsure but hopeful. And before I say anthing else that maybe should not be said right now...will go to bed.