Moment of Weakness

Today was one of those days I just feel weak. You know those days where you don't feel on top of your game at all. I have spent zero time in the word, too much time attempting unsuccessfully at a nap and thinking. Days like this really become selfish days. They are days I look at myself and life unsatisfied and upset at what I can't accomplish or become. For me I never seem to hit the depression point (thanks to the joy of the Lord) but I definitely allow myself to pout and be in a grouchy mood. And what is worse? Days like these I allow myself to struggle.

Why do I do this? Because for some reason I think feeling like this is better then seeking the Lord and serving others. It is one of those moments I begin to trade a lie for the truth of the gospel and believe sinning will make me happy. Then I think too much about what I don't like about myself, about my life, about my insufficiencies and imperfections. Downward the spiral goes. And then I even allow myself to miss certain people which for a moment or two leaves me a bit lonely. Basically I am being dumb and sinful.

It was soon after this that I remembered a line from Skakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. (Nothing close to the Word of God but I take encouragement from many things in life). There is a point in the play where Romeo goes to Father (whatever his name was-the priest) and begins to explain to him the current predicament he has gotten himself into. And what does he hear in reply? Not pity, but instead the priest goes through his current blessings ending each sentance with ..."there art thou happy?" (he says things like- "thou are banished rather then sentanced to death, there art thou happy....and things like that though I am not going to take the time to look it up for you). Sometimes I feel like this is what God is trying to tell me.

It is moments like these I begin to realize my own sinfulness and the weight of it all. I begin to tear up. I feel the moment of weakness when we realize nothing we do outside of the Lord amounts to anything. I hate my sin, I hate reoccurring sin, I hate selfishness and sometimes just hate myself and my actions. I wish I never believed the lies that Satan puts in front of me and wish I never was derailed by them. Even more, I wish when I felt this mood coming on this afternoon I had fallen on my knees immediately to ask God for His strength. When am I finally going to admit to myself how absolutely weak I am and how I can not hold a single thing together relying on my so called human strength? When will I love Him enough to seek Him first in EVERYTHING? When will I act as though I belive the entire truth of my life vs. (II Corinthians 12:9) ...but he said to me my grace is sufficient for you for my strenghth is made perfect in weakness.....(I really think I tattooed this on myself as a daily reminder of how weak I am. Man it hurts but is awesome when you realize the truth of this.