Resonating Magnetism

This is very long so if you don't have time you may not want to read this blog. There....you have been warned and it is off my conscience.

Ambition


Seven:ten aspires to be a people with such a dynamic spirit of worship and servanthood that we are a magnet for people needing help. We desire to be a community where insincere people tend to fall away and sincere people long to belong. And, most important, it is to be a community where people find Christ and grow to spiritual maturity.

This is the heart, or ambition behind the college ministry known as seven:ten. I am part of the ministry which is just a small piece to the puzzle of God's children. The message last night went well with some things I have been chewing on lately. Especially in regards to being a people of magnetism, or a person of magnetism. Let's revamp and evaluate the situation here.

I am a social butterfly or so I have been told by those who know me. I would just say I really value relationships and being in people's lives. Call it what you will but I have been know to travel in many circles sometimes all at once and other times one at a time. Usually the former rather then the later but that is just because my A.D.D. allows for some serious thinking and multitasking abilities. I strive to maintain these relationships and make them an opportunity to be a display case for the Lord in the good and the bad. I work in coffee shops, dance, go to school, and generally find other friends outside of this. Many of these so called friends are of the male gender. This is where the situation gets quite sticky.

Before I was a believer and even a couple years after being saved I had established an extreme attachment to guys. I was boy crazy growing up which is not always the case for the girl who also happens to be a tomboy. My cousin and I are only a week apart and so him and I grew up often as brother and sister. I spent all my free time at home and school hanging out with the boys. Growing up it was my only option as I had only male neighbors and so between Nintendo and playing Superman I quickly learned to enjoy their company. I would run and play, get quite dirty, wrestle, etc. When I was in Junior High it was even more interesting. I went to a couple very tiny Montessori schools - meaning that grade 6-8 had very few students. In fact, my 7th and 8 grade class had me and one other girl in the class to about 6 or 8 boys. What fun do you think we had? Oh, and I was always on the upper hand in this, being the girlier of the two and having a past hanging out with the guys.

High School came as a bit of a shock. I went to a private Christian High School and so my class now had about 90 students in it. This was the biggest class and school I had ever attended and so became extremely shy. Hmmmm.... I soon was befriended by a guy named Jesse and through him met a guy named Tres. Anyways I had found at least two guys to hang around safely and cling to so I felt OK again. I didn't hang out with people outside of school anymore but at school I still followed the guys. The more high school went the more I began to hit culture shock. I grew up always having crushes on guys but really seeing them more as my best friends. Now I was in a world where people were dating, kissing and telling, sleeping around and all kinds of other nonsense I didn't think of as reality. It sounds odd but even though I was not a believer I lived a very "sheltered" life as I always went to small private schools and grew up in a Catholic house. I had never imagined this was the reality of the situation and my world was sort of shattered. My pure, innocent bubble popped and the more I learned the more calloused I became to what I heard.

This all had a significant affect on my life and how I began to see relationships. I began to fear guys as I suddenly didn't know what to expect. My relationship was not close with my father or my grandfather, who I lived with, and though I still had my crushes I no longer knew how to respond. It was at that time nothing was able to shock me any longer no matter what someone did or said...my shock factor was gone and would probably never return. I began to back off from all guys and to change. Somehow my goody-goody rep would change with my evolving view of men.

By my Junior year I had managed to change my reputation and it soon became my safety net. I hid behind a bad reputation that had nothing to back it up except for my growing tough girl attitude. I did not feel protected and so began to try and protect myself in whatever manner possible. So now the things guys would say about me were completely wrong and negative, but I knew they wouldn't make fun of me, or try and take advantage of me. Basically they would leave me only with the exception of an occasional dirty or derogatory remark which I shrugged off with some smart alec reply.

This was also the point in life where guys begin to test the waters out and people actually begin dating. Not for me though. I always wanted to - believe you me - but God thankfully had other plans. At this point I probably would have gotten myself in quite a bit of trouble, as I knew if I did date I had a reputation to uphold. This is also the point I somehow became extremely picky about who I would like or date. I have never been an easy catch for any guy. I would literally stop liking a guy the second he liked me or as soon as I found something about him I disliked. This constant picky attitude kept me clear away from any relationship though there were almost a couple. Then there were the guys who I really liked enough to date but they of course did not like me back and so I began to understand rejection and hurt as well. I saw what it did and felt the sting of thinking someone liked you and finding out the terrible truth that we were "just friends".

Into college I took this, and rather then getting better, my hurt grew worse. I was even farther from my dad emotionally then before and now desperately seeking male companionship. I had become a believer during the summer between my Junior and Senior year of High School and being a new creation began to change. With that change came the outgoing, spunky, playful and bold girl I am today. This is great if it is all for the Lord, but when your sin gets mixed up in this there can be more problems. I began desperately seeking any attention and affection I could possible get from my growing number of guy friends.

And so, my college experience became a series of guy pals who I would spend as much time with as possible. Then, a had a rather negative experience at the church I became a believer at and decided to take my faith elsewhere. I would do this thing on my own even though I had no idea how to accomplish this. I was in the Word when I could be but didn't even begin to pretend I was looking for a church as I now had a bitter taste in my mouth from Christians. So instead I became friends with the people I worked with or should I say the guys I worked with. Not the best situation I could have put myself in. Especially when they were all of legal drinking age.

My experiences with guys were now bordering that sketchy area and wisdom and God's conscience told me I was being stupid, but I was so desperate for love I was willing to do anything. I spent many a late night out with Jimmy, and Mike and eventually Tyson. This is where I began to learn my alcohol limits and how to go well beyond since one beer would do it for me. Two and I was really bad. This soon became a pattern for me and a part of my life. This was also the time I moved in with two guys from my work. I soon found myself in the party life. I refused drugs, but rather enjoyed the late nights, the joy you find when you have drunk too much, and the lack of inhibitions it allows you. I would crash at Jimmy's house on the couch or just hang out at Tyson's apartment. Really I was alone with this guys far too much and at parties would stay close by their side. Silly, stupid girl. This is where I need to get on my knees before God and thank HIM every day for all his protection. I look back now and realize how many "close" calls I had and how I literally was able to escape that lifestyle with nothing more then a couple guys smacking me on the lips. (completely unwanted) But really, I had been under God's protection and so nothing happened even when I did want it to.

Then the Fall semester at Chandler-Gilbert rolled around. At this point I was Ms. "Party Girl" and was rather enjoying the popularity and fun it brought about. I had plans with the guys every night and was going to bars completely under age. I had pushed God as far back in my mind and ignored the voice so long it was now softer then a whisper. I was drinking and going to raves and had, for the first time in my life, smoked pot. God finally intervened and decided I had spent far too much time drinking my depression away and seeking love in all the wrong places. I ran into a guy in my class named Bryan. (Some of you will remember this story.) Bryan never had really spoken to me before other then the fact he had made a comment about me smoking at one time. Oh, well I thought, "Who is he, anyways?". Then, we were outside in the courtyard showing off our tattoos during a break. I had a Christian tattoo that someone asked me about. I told them I used to be into God and church but found out what being a Christian was and had had enough of it. That is where Bryan stepped in and after a brief conversation we realized we had met before at my old church. He told me one of the worst things about churches were the Christians in them and I agreed and then he invited me to the college group at the church I now attend. I had not a clue at that moment where my life would be now.

So Sunday rolls around and I figure my plans with the guys have fallen through so I must now find something to do. I remembered Bryan's invitation and had no desire to go to church. However, Bryan was a guy who seemed really nice, charming and good-looking so I decide to go. (No making fun of me for this, guys - I know you know who this is.) Anyways, to make a longer story a bit shorter, I will tell you I did not see Bryan that night, but ran into a girl and guy who had gone to high school with me. After much conversing and a couple days, I began to attend this church.

I began to seek out a renewed relationship with Christ and spent time getting involved again in the church. My boy friendships did not end here and I was still in the same habits. I clung to the male guys at the church, and would hang out with them. Often enough I was the only girl. I did not see the problem here, but it was pointed out to me by the wife of the student ministries pastor. I did not understand at first and felt confused. It was then I began to realized many of my problems but this took some time to grow through. I had a few guys trying to point me the right direction but I didn't always listen or understand. Really, I had a life of one habit and God was busy trying to conform my life as it was. I was simply confused.

Where am I now? I am far from this place, and have learned in best boy-girl relationships that there is almost always one who is interested in the other in a romantic way. This is great for the future, for sure, but for my past, I needed the space. Now, I have my guy friends, but they are pretty much acquaintances. No more best guy friends. (Unless I start dating one!) Now because of my past I am extremely careful with guys, as I have still managed to never date or be in a relationship with one. Not sure how that works out - but I am more then thankful that I really have been kept out of a deep, dark mess which would have some serious repercussions now.

I was sitting in seven:ten last night as Tyler spoke of magnetism and what we should look like to the world, how people should be drawn to us and love to be around us and how we should treat people in order to make the name of Christ known. To serve, to love, to speak, to act, to do everything for Him, by Him, and to display Him. This is where I am stuck in a tar pit. I now am extremely careful around guys especially unbelievers. I don't trust their intentions or motives and so this comes out in my attitude toward them.

I basically make a joke and love my often bratty attitude toward guys. I seem to have great snotty comebacks whenever they offer undesired affection or attention. I take it very much to the extreme as I feel like I am protecting myself. I don't desire to make guys like me. I actually really only want the guys I like to like me and the rest, I try and make it very obvious I am only interested in being friends. This goes for believers as well as unbelievers. If I think a guy is into me and I don't like him back, I usually begin by ignoring him. When this doesn't work, I don't let him do things for me, or ask his opinion or for help, or even allow his protection as that is something I give to someone. I am sure this seems very funny but I don't want to hurt them later and because I am a really outgoing and friendly person people, they often mistake it for something more. Sometimes there is something more but not as often as I am just comfortable and confident around the opposite sex.

Lynne and I were speaking about this a couple weeks ago. I know it is not godly when I treat someone rudely. I feel like I have an excuse, but I really just don't know how to respond. So when a guy is a scuzbucket, I am often rude and make it clear I want nothing to do with his company. When a guys asks me to go home with him, I about chew his head off and then don't ever try to allow him to talk to me again. Basically, I don't act very Christlike. Lynne was giving me some pointers on how to respond and telling me that there is no reason to act like a brat. I was really convicted by the message and what Lynne had said to me about how I am perceived. I just really need to act differently then I do as there is no excuse to act as such. Right now, this is what I am trying to work on and grow through.

How can I maintain and remain a display case for Christ in all situations? How can I be a light and a magnet and not be mean, angry, or rude when I want to? How can I just be who God wants me to be? I want to end this with two scripture verses:

I Peter 2:9-12

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a People for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received. Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul. Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation.


Dt. 8:1-5

Every commandment which I command you today you must be careful to observe, that you may live and multiply, and go in and possess the land of which the Lord swore to your fathers. And you shall remember that the Lord your God led you all the way these 40 years in the wilderness, to humble you and test you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not. So He humbled you, allowed you to hunger, and fed you with manna which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you know that man shall not live by bread alone; but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the Lord. Your garments did not wear out on you, nor did your foot swell these forty years. You should know in your heart that as a man chastens his son, so the Lord our God chastens you.