Blinding

Confusing is so blinding and painful. There is so much I don't understand and so much I am no longer sure if I want to . In protection mode is the home I cling to. I seem to wear my heart on my sleeve. In all this I try to see what God wants and what his plan is. I wonder if the situations reality is ever that which it seems. The way I feel when the bible tells me how deceitful my own heart is. I wish then it did not have so much sway over my actions.

It was only days ago I was realizing that God gives me that which I do not deserve already. For that I am not grateful enough or thankful enough. I do not thank Him in the difficult times but those are the only times I really see Him and see myself. I cannot believe how much my heart feels. It seems so often that there is little I can do but there is a physical feeling in my chest that is overwhelming at times. When I do feel I tend to have some very intense and difficult emotions and they seem to bombard me and I tend to be unable to know how to deal with them.

As life teaches me, molds me, refines me I sit awaiting what is next. The difficulty causes a deep growth that is unsettling but completely necessary. I give up trying to understand because I can make up so many reasons and so many regrets. I wish it were easier to break me down at this point because God hits so many areas at one time. It is a continually bombarsion when things seem to be going fine that finally draws me tight to Him looking for comfort. Sometimes finding and sometimes still seeking it. Strength worries me because though it is necessary I don't want to have to be made stronger.

So, I hope for now I can just rest and not be blinded by the confusion in my heart and emotions. My trust has been tested and is wavering. In fact, at this point I don't want to move another direction. I will simple try and fight and enjoy what God has in my life...and the things He takes out knowing there is a plan for everything that happens. But...needing Him to capture my heart first and foremost as I so easily try and give it away to far lesser things. Father, may I just have understanding and know what You want and what You ask of me. I am trying to figure it out and just to find You. You are so precious and so amazing and may I know that and not stray...I feel tested for the source of my joy. And, the world is watching. I know that life is not about the knowing or even the answers but about the journey to them and the responses I give. That...is the point....

Such a beautiful and painful place He has me...but....a completely necessary one. It is when nothing else satisfies that I find and cling to Him. I am thankful for the days but aware that I never stay. I am thankful I enjoy life so much but am at the realization that it is not always in the joyful times I run to Him...for me to run to my Father it will be through pain...the few and far between but really deep moments in my heart. May I trust. May I run. May I seek on my face before Him.

Pocket Full Of Rocks song
"Alive"

There was a time I was dead inside.
You'd call my name and I'd try to hide.
My heart was dark and so full of shame,
Full of shame.
But like the dawning of a brand new day
Your love has chased my shame away.
How amazing, now I hear You singing over me!
Over me!

Lively, I sing
Lively, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world knows the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive, I'm alive!

Well, every day I find Your mercy new.
And every moment that I spend with You
I am overwhelmed by Grace I can't keep to myself!
To myself!

Lively, I sing
Lively, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world knows the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive, I'm alive!

Lively, I sing
Lively, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world knows the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive, I'm alive!

Out of my sorrow, out of my night,
You called me into Glorious Light.
Where all of the lost, lonely and broken
Find Your Light.
Shine Your Light.

Lively, I sing
Lively, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world knows the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive

Lively, I sing
Lively, I live
Giving You all I have to give,
Until the world the Love that's made me so alive
I'm alive, I'm alive! Yeah,
I'm alive, I'm alive, yeah!