Am I ignitable?

“He makes his ministers a flame. Am I ignitable?” These words come from a quote from Jim Elliot’s diary found in Beyond the Gates of Splendor. The idea of being used by God, being a flame, I love that. It reminds me daily of what my passions are to be and so each night I read this before bed as it is taped on my ceiling. The funny part is that it is the only note card still taped as the rest have floated to the floor at one point or another and been tossed away. This one still resonates within me and reminds me of my longing to burn for the Lord and to be so bright and hot that the flame spreads and grows into something unstoppable by anything or anyone. Let’s set the world ablaze!

Sometimes I need that visual picture to remind me of what I live for. I don’t mean just weekly or monthly, but what do I live each and every moment of my life for? I guarantee you there are days I live much of it for myself and I hate this. It is so difficult to decide when to say yes and when to say no. That means to myself and to others as well. I often have the inabitlity to say no. I am one of those people who will run, run, run, run, until someone much wiser either tells me to go home and sleep or until I have hit the point of complete zombie. Not the funnest but definitely the funniest.

Yesterday, was one of these days. I spent so much time the last couple of days keeping busy that I seriously neglected sleep. I really only got a total of 10 to 12 hours between sleeping at night and my naps in three days. This was for good but I have noticed when it hits a point it can also be a bad thing. I begin to notice my deep need for some rest when a couple things begin to happen. I am very calm and quiet, I am extremely amused and focused on very common things (like yesterday staring a group of little bugs flying in front of my car window-Amy asked why I didn’t just hit them and then I realized I had been just staring at them and began to laugh hysterically), laughing hysterically longer then normal at even dumber things, and my favorite, trying to talk but being unable to connect what my brain is trying to say to what it actually says via my mouth. (I literally asked another Starbucks worker three times for Venti trashbags when each time I realized it and began again. It came out exactly the same and all I could do was laugh because I could not say what I was trying to. For non-Starbuckers Venti is the size of a cup we have and not a trashbag. The other employee asked me three times if I was drunk and I simple replied through spells of laughter I was just sleep deprived) As a matter of fact I had already hit this point very early in the day and so by the time I went to bed at about 10:30 PM I was about ten hours past that point.

What on earth could be more important to me then sleep? Everything! My schedule is extremely flexible almost too much so. I have basic times where I must be at certain places and I always am early or on time to those. As far as everything else, it is up in the air. Hannah and Amy tell me they have never seen anyone quite as easy going and flexible. What they may not understand is that I do it for what I love. My time is valuable and I fill it with my loves and passions. I love spending my time evangelizing and encouraging people whenever possible and much of my unscheduled times fall somewhere in between those two things. Time is extremely valuable especially when the topic is one of those two and this is what keeps me from some good eye shut.

I guess for me it all comes down to priorities. I am often so thankful that Lynne needs sleep because when someone tells me to I get some but if I hang out too much with people like me we just burn each other out. Lynne my not actually tell me to sleep but just because she needs sleep and I conclude about six of my evenings at their house it benefits me because rather then stay awake longer I must finally go home and crash. However, I will stay awake until the girls must sleep because I love them so dearly and value the moments we have. It’s not that I don’t see them often, in fact I see them all the time. The thing is God has shown me over and over again how precious these types of relationships are and since things won’t stay the same forever I like to make use of the time we have. We have so much fun and they are such amazing young ladies with such a heart and passion for the Lord. As I told them on Friday night, they are worth my loss of sleep for now is the time we have to play. Someday we may date, or move, or have work or school and we will not have the time we have not to spend together so we must play as much as we can now. Yes, and laugh until we cry. I love girls and know how extremely silly and foolish we must look to guys.

Really much it falls to my love of people and the value of relationships. People help grow and mold you as well as you having that role in their life. When people help me run, encourage me, have my heart or passions, run my speed and my direction, I want to be around them more and more. When there are people who need time put into them and their lives, then they have a need for someone as well and I have such a heart for them that I am willing to build and maintain realationships where this need exists. Besides what better way to share and live out your faith and love for Christ then in front of an unbeliever. Show them who is your King, your God, your EVERYTHING.

Another great use of my time that I should be sleeping is other people in need. I can’t help but help when someone needs it more then I think I need sleep. If there is an emergency, I am there. Emergency in this definition can mean anything from someone is in the actually emergency room to one of my friends is just in need of conversation or encouragement. I always answer my phone in the early, early morning hours for so often I have had a friend with some type of need. It could be a one of my girl, friends, who is sobbing because of a guy, or because her emotions, or because of her sin. It could be someone needing more then conversation and encouragement. Really, whatever it is I am there. Most often it is a friend who just needs time and someone to help them along and so often this is where I come in. God has blessed me with a love and passion to help people in these ways. So when I am about to nap and a friend needs to talk, I assess the situation and if it is followed by a need, I am there. If someone needs to be encouraged in there walk, awesome. If someone needs to be discipled, praise you Lord for giving me a schedule I can try and be there for them.

It is at times I realize this can all have a negative affect as well. If I hit a point where I am not spending time in the Word or with the Lord I must slow down or push things around. I realize so quickly when this hits and must deal with it immediatly. If I am so tired I can't spend time with Him and He gets neglected then I am spending too much time serving and not enough time at His feet. This is a never-ending battle. Besides if I am that tired (last night) I am neglecting to give Him my best in even service so theer really comes a point that rest is necessary. I don't want to waist the time or opportunities He has given me because I am too tired to function. I realize this most often in Caborca. I don't sleep much here in the states but play quit a bit. In Caborca I am often the first to get sleep and the first to get up realizing the urgency and the necessity of being functional. So this can be either a good or bad quality.

So what does any of this have to do with being a flame? That is me being a flame. I want so desperately to give up my wants and needs and selfish desires though I often fail miserably in order to show Christ to others. If that means I stay at Starbucks forever and have to get up at 3:30 in the morning to do it, then that is where God has me. He knows what His plans are for me and how I can best serve Him. Therefore I must make use of the time, place, and situations He puts me in daily knowing that there is a purpose to them. So even when I want or am praying for a change I must not waist anything that He gives me or spend anytime hoping and planning the “perfect” future I want. I must simply realize His perfection in placing me where He has me so I my depend on Him more and serve Him better. Perhaps my flame will be short-lived, or it may burn a very, very long time. Really, as long as it doesn’t dim to long or die out!