I want to live dangerously

Difficult days and difficult moments seem to be re-occurring. I was hit so hard by the fact that I waste so much time. This week is like all others except I have been trying to be more purposeful about sharing with the people I come in contact with. So often my brattiness gets in the way because I am most often approached by guys. Today however, it was a tongue tied day that prevented an awesome opportunity.

This week I have had a great week where I was more willing and able to share the gospel. In my lab on Wednesday one of the guys I highly dislike came in. I try so hard to find ways to build relationships so that I may share the gospel. The place I fall short is when I don't always offer it to them directly. This particular guy has come into the lab before and so I have tried to dodge him ever since our first meeting. Often guys upon our first meeting size me up to see what they think of me. We all make a first impression of someone in our minds based off of many things. So when I meet people I see how they test me. Often they ask if I am married or about my life or a number of other random questions. When I run the lab though, the interaction is usually a bit different. In fact there are a couple guys who try to push me or try to take advantage of me. This guy from day one was very pushy and tried to get me to run the lab till the time he wanted and just was a very rude individual. I run the lab and can be very strict as I have a time schedule in my life that I try to follow to some extent. I am willing at times to make exceptions but only when I deem them necessary. So needless to say our few other meetings I tried desperately to be left alone by him.

This week my friends and I were able to hang out a bit as I was far too tired to try and study for my Spanish class. So instead, I pulled down the projector screen and we decided to watch movie trailers for about an hour or so. This was fun and I highly recommend it. My first opportunity of the day came easily for me as I had already set up a reputation in the class for being a believer from day one. They decided they wanted to watch a movie preview that I believed to be highly inappropriate and something I did not desire to watch. So, when they hit play, I quietly left the room and came back when it was finished. My friend John explained why I had left the room which opened up an opportunity with this other girl. I told her what I am about and got to share a little bit. It was awesome because they actually told me that they wanted me to be the lab tech again next semester. (That was before playing movie trailers I assure you)

Later that day all others had left and it was just me and this guy I don’t prefer at all. I got on to blog, and chatted on the phone a bit. Then I was worried he was going to try and start a fight with me so I went to assess the situation in the lab. I usually begin clean-up about 4:40 so I can get out on time. I went in and he had already cleaned up his corner and was washing his prints. That meant I could begin to clean-up lab early and get out sooner. I asked him if he needed to do anything else and if his paper was put away so that I could turn the light on and he said yes. Then I asked the Lord for an opportunity. This guy asked me if I was LDS and I replied with a chuckle that I was Christian. I get the LDS thing quit a bit and just smile and tell them I stand for something different-I stand for Jesus. He said he could tell I was religious because of the music I listened to in the lab. (I was at this time playing my David Crowder CD. It gets heard by everyone in the classroom over speakers) So then we began to chat. I found out a bit about him and what he believed. We began discussing Jews and how they believe different then Christians. I told him that the only way to prevent an eternal existence in hell was to repent and believe that Jesus was God’s son and that he died for our sins. I actually left the lab a bit late but was really excited as he promised to come in and discuss it further with me next week. That was awesome.

So that was one good opportunity this week but then I totally screwed one up today. I went to get gasoline and looked down at my tires. They looked maybe a bit low and knowing I would get yelled at by my dad if they were, I decided I would go and fill them up. I have to warn you right now I know nothing of cars. In fact I can't even remember how to open my hood. However, I am willing to try and figure out anything. So I pretended to know what to do with tires. I was digging in my car for some change as to turn the air thing on. A guy walked up to me and asked me for some change so that he could get gas since he had apparently run out. I often think that people just try to take advantage of me because I have a cross on the back of my car. I am learning I actually like this as it brings opportunities to me. At this point I told the guy that I was currently digging for change myself and would let him know if I found any. He agreed and walked away.

Meanwhile I dropped two quarters into the machine and began filling my tire with air. I saw there was a meter on it when I would pull it out of the tire air thing and remembered there is a certain amount of air necessary for a tire. I made two phone calls to guys to ask how much air went in a tire. They gave me a guesstimate. At this point I decided I would let the car people do it as I had to get my oil changed next anyway. Then I decided to go and find this guy. I had been watching him as all this car stuff was going on to access the situation. So at this point I turned to go find him. He was laying in his car in front of the gas pump. I knocked slowly and he sat up. I handed over my two to three dollars in change and asked him if that would be enough to get him where he was going. He said yes and I thanked me as I walked back to my car. I got in and asked God for an opportunity here.

I drove back over to the pump after he paid and came back out. I asked him where he was going. He told me Dobson and Southern and thanks again as that should get him there. I then asked him what was there. He told me the hospital. I dug further and asked him why and what had happened and if he would be O.K. He told me briefly about his brother and how he was a heroine addict and had gotten a blood infection from shooting up. He said he might be in there for up to 6 months. I just chatted with him a few more minutes and was searching for something to say but what I wanted did not come out. He thanked me again as I drove off. As I drove off I realized how stupid I had been. I had not once asked him if I could pray for his brother though I thought about it immediately upon leaving. Tears formed in my eyes as I realized the mistake and missed opportunity. I thought how that may have been this guys only opportunity and I did not share the gospel with him. I really began to cry a bit as my heart broke for him and my opportunity now thrown into the wind.

Then I went to change my oil. While there, one of the workers came up to talk with me. He began asking me questions about school and what I did. We chatted about photography and I found out he liked taking pictures of nature and he liked to hunt. He asked me about New Years (because I was figuring out the age of my car by trying to remember what year it was) and I told him about my family and that we invited our missions team and church friends over for a party. He said that he was nothing like that and that that did not sound like any fun to him. I said quite the contrary it was awesome. Also I asked him what he meant and he told me he was a redneck and he was not like me. I told him I had a sister who was a believer in North Carolina. She is a redneck who likes to hunt but that doesn't mean she is not like me. So after he decided I was no longer worth pursuing conversation with, I moved on and into the lobby.

This opportunity was different then the first but once again I had not offered him Jesus specifically. I want so desperately to let that pour forth from my lips before anything else. I do try to live in a way that displays Christ to the world but if I never take a moment to actually offer it them then what. So I was pondering all this as I was driving and know that I have difficulty with guys because so often they are only trying to "pick me up" and so conversations with them are usually geared toward turning them off. I have just had a few too many of those conversations but have also been trying to take opportunities at the same time. I actually wear my purity ring on my wedding finger to try and detour guys from thinking I am available so that I do not have conversations based on an attempt at finding a girl to date. This way if I can get past my own attitude the Holy Spirit can work through me more often. When I stop throwing myself in the way and move past my emotion.

Still feeling a bit sad about the first missed opportunity though I began to think about what would happen if I tried to find him in the hospital. More then likely that would never be possible and I would only waste my time trying to fix a missed opportunity. This did however change my thinking a bit. I decided I should have gone back to chat with him a third time instead of being worried that I had already driven away. Basically I decided it doesn't matter what they think only that they are going to spend eternity in hell if they miss out on hearing the gospel.

I have decided, because of this, to live my life more dangerously for the sake of the gospel. I thought how sad it would be to become afraid of people or circumstances when I feel like God is calling me to it. So I want to be more friendly, talk more about what Jesus does and how he is the only way to the Father. I want to take more chances and more risks. Talking to people on the street, down town, the guys around me. I would rather live my life dangerously for the sake of the gospel then live one that is worthless. Really. By this I don't mean I am stooping to stupidity, but I used to be much more fearless and right now is the time. I am single, young, with only one thing to live for. My God, my Savior, my Jesus.