Honestly, honesty?

I sit and stare off into space. My thoughts are heavy to my heart. I can hear the sounds in the background. Chatting, the computer beeping, the mechanics involved in the drive thru window. The frozen liquid of my Jamba created beads of water on the clear straw. This is what comes into focus as I sit not sure what to allow myself to feel or how I should respond.

This, was last week and seven days that God used in my life to point out something He needed me to see. Sunday, was the last night before my family was to go on "vacation" for a week. As the crowd that gathered at their house each Sunday evening slowly trickled out I became increasingly nervous. There were several situations going on for me that night which put me in a very quiet mood. I knew there was something I desperately wanted to tell them and I did not know how. This also ran through my head as the evening advanced into early morning and my nerves only increased the knot of nausea that was growing in my stomach.

I began to withdraw into myself and separate more and more as the uncomfortable feeling grew. I then decided to seek a quick council from someone a bit older and most definatly wiser then myself. It was decided that I would have to sit down and talk with the parents. So, before the last two people made it out the door I told the mom to remind me to tell her something. (I was half-way hoping that she would not bring it up and I would not have to tell her anything)

Then, the time came for the discussion. The mom plopped down on to the futon and asked me to turn the light on. "Ok, what's going on." The dad came in and plopped beside her followed by the girls. The expression on the face of the girls looked liked what I felt on the inside though I am sure I was just pale. I was a bit afraid and almost chickened out and told Amy to make the dad go away for a second. I was less worried about his response then the mom's but did not think I could handle both at once. He left with a bit of a frown and I began to spill. Ten seconds into it I told Amy to get the dad as I wanted him in on the conversation and I wanted to let him know as well. So, he returned gladly and slid on the floor near the door. I had prepped what I was going to tell them as I seem to like intros...especially as a descriptive and stalling device put in place to build up my courage. The mom does not like this and so told me just to tell her what I was trying to say. At this point your probably thinking I have done something terrible or am dying or moving away or something crazy. No, it is much more simple then that but still much more frightening for so many reasons I will not explain in a blog.

Then, it came out and before giving them much time to respond I began to explain the why behind it all. I watched the expressions hoping for some sign of what they were feeling to show through their face. What I saw instead was more of an expression of confusion as well as utter exhaustion for it was almost 1 a.m. When I was finished with my moment of honesty or what I like to call "throwing up on them" I waited. They were very groggy and did not quit look as though they were going to respond at all. Apparently I had given them a bit of a surprise. Then, the mom responded with "Well, he is a great guy." The dad said "I would have never have guessed that you liked him." This was funny to me as I knew they would have looked past the whole situation had I said nothing. Then again, I am not saying I laughed because I was still a bit pale and feeling a little queasy.

The following days were heartwrenching as I now had no contact with them and wanted so much to know their reaction. When ever their is honesty involved there is always some level of fear. Some level of desiring the receivers to accept what you say and love you regardless. My honesty or over honesty gets me in so much trouble. I can tell you times it has torn pieces of my heart or at least punched bruises into it. This whole situation may seem super silly but if you only knew the week it had brought me. I had not talked about guys with them since about January because of several reasons. The first was because of how I responded to a certain guy at the end of last year. I will absolutely admit I got swept up in the emotion of the situation but that happens sometimes.

Another reason I had not wanted to say anything is because of my often "boy crazy" reputation. The funny thing is most of the time I am just teasing about it and the other half of the time I am just being honest about what I am actually thinking. Besides I am twenty-five, have never said yes to any guy who liked me yet and still maintain a constant single status though always pretend to be unavailable. How boy crazy do you think I really am? And unfortunatly I hate the fact that I even feel like I have to defend myself. Guys...there are things on your mind all the time. Girls just think different and if you only knew how much I think in general. If you think the less of me-get over it. I don't care what you think but you should reflect on everything I say and do not just how things may appear at first. Also, it is much different if you have had any form of guy in your life growing up. Usually girls like me with little or no male affection, attention, and authority coming from their father end up in a much different place then I am. That is only because of God and that I can attest to. Basically, I tell people exactly what I am thinking and that allows people to form many opinions of me. This goes with every aspect though not just guys. I am to fear God and not man and so as long as I pursue Him I can not care as much about what you think unless there is really sin. If you don't like my personality I can't really do anything about it and I refuse to apologize for it. If I only could tell you the many opinions people form just because of my over-honesty and others not saying the things that run through their heads.

So, as I waited patiently for the days to pass before I could talk to them again my fear also grew. I became afraid because I had wanted to tell them for awhile but had kept it a secret. It felt dishonest thought there was no actually lying in it. I just am very close with them and want them involved in every aspect of my life especially the ones that make me uncomfortable. Also, I have given them a strong role of authority in my life and so being honest about the situation will allow them to see what they may overlook. Besides that there is another boy situation that is the opposite problem. There is someone who is making me extremely uncomfortable and I wanted them to know this as well since this is the person the mom wanted to set me up with before. I told her not a chance and I thought she agreed but then he seems to pop around making me not want to be there. I hate that feeling and so I just wanted them to know it all and not be afraid to get their opinions. Besides, I told the dad if a guy ever did want to date me the guy would have to ask him first and so I thought it wise to get him on the same page with me and get his feedback. (Guys, your usually very wise in this stuff. There are reasons the opposite sexes compliment each other and I highly value guys and the level of balance they can bring to situations.)

I was sitting in the car on Thursday and called up my best friend to tell her what I had done. She listened to me as the fear came out and I began to be afraid of my family. I am great at living in a way that I love people so much but then let a little fear or hurt try to close me off. My response is to shut the door and walk and push someone away. This has been something that God has spent years growing me through. As I chatted with Mandy on the phone she could hear this coming before I even finished the conversation and as I told her I did not like the response and sat regretting the entire thing, she confronted me on the issue. You have to know something about me and Mandy. We have been friends for about ten years now and have gone through every possible situation. The only reason we have stayed friends is because she is unwilling to let me go when she can feel me tense and try to cut the rope. (Doesn't this remind you of how God works? )

It is a aweful thing that I have grown a ton through but only because God has a different plan for me then I try to have for myself. We had times in life where we stopped talking for bits but now we are that much stronger for it. And, whenever I begin to drift off even for a second she literally grasps on tighter until I start holding back on to her. This is also something she learned to now she will verbally confront me so I know I can't push her out or away unintentionally. These are interesting conversations as she knows me so well she can sense it and says I am sorry your trying to get rid of me but I will never go away so you better just stop. It is funny now though about five years ago I fought her so hard. Now I am more thankful for it then anything. I have a fight then flight tendency to protect myself. So, when I explained the situation on the phone to her she cut me off short. She pointed out immediately what I was doing and I knew it. I am getting to the point where I begin to see it and can deal with it before I do something really stupid.

The next couple days were spent in silence. I was not being quite with all people but just trying to allow God to direct my reaction through this. It was so small but I knew this was an area of weakness God was working on and I did not know where I would end up. Everything in me was ready to justify giving up and pushing them out so as not to face rejection or pain of any kind. I literally can feel myself tense up and push away. I asked God to help me through it and to help me respond as I was trying to push an entirely different direction. I just took a few moments over a couple days and realized I was being entirely sinful and putting blame on them for things I did not even know they were doing. I wanted so bad for them to respond my way and when they did not my insecurities came flying through. So, when I was worried and looking for any sin on their part, which is just stupid, God revealed to me a level of my own.

I am glad we have a great God who has me exactly where I need to be right now. I am so glad He gets me through it and allows people to push me just enough. I felt like I was pushed harder then I needed but if you only knew how much strength it took me to still be standing when the fog cleared. I am all the more thankful for it and all the closer with my family because of it. Saturday, the vacation was over and everything was back to normal. I did not speak about it again for there was no need. Only the need for God to teach me a couple of extremely important lessons and to grow me closer to the only real earthly authority I hold dear to. Really, I don't want you to the the situation as a guy issue as that has nothing to do with it really at all. God used that one coversation to teach me so many other things that has nothing to do with any guy at all. I love my family so much and am so glad they are in my life. They are absolutely unreplaceable. So, regardless of the seemingly small situation God allowed me to stay when all I wanted was to run. This is a first.....really. Besides, it is much more fun to let your family know who you like...they are of course your family and even if crushes come and go you need family through it all. Who else will tease you about it? I guess I just have to trust and be patience now on many levels. Am I saying to much? Probably, but it is simply a part of my personality. Now, my story is much different, I have learned a super important lesson, and as God continues to write it, it will only get better.