Changes from Within

I know I really should have waited a few more days before attempting to get on the computer and blog. However, there is a very specific reason that I decided to do it even though I am very sleepy. Through my blog I have an opportunity to share Christ with certain people and so therefore will take the opportunity while it is in front of me. I spent much of my time this month away in California for summer camp and in Caborca for a mission trip. God spent a ton of time really working on sanding me down and sifting me. Oh, gosh it can be so hard but I am extremely blessed and more thankful then you can probably imagine.

It all began around two blogs ago when I would be leaving for California as a Junior High Staff leader at my church. My group was pretty new to me and so I was excited to spend some time on the bus ride getting to know them. I always come to camp hoping to serve but also keeping open to learning as we all know I will always have work that God needs to do on me. That is why I consider myself a work in progress at all times. (You should be thanking God for this right now) Before leaving for camp I had been given a specific project from a friend of mine to get her niece in my group. Her niece was not a believer and so I was going to spend some time with her at camp really finding out what she was about. This, began on the bus ride there as she was in the seat next to me.

The next six hours or so were spent in basic conversations just trying to figure her out. It was so neat to see how it all worked out and just to spend some moments with my girls before the week really began. Finally we arrived at Point Loma and we found our rooms. My new project, was also to be my room mate for the week which could really go in either direction from her perspective as she was going to be the only student that had to room with a leader. (I would have been scared but she seemed OK with the idea) The week began with an awesome kick-off as I had so many opportunities to hang out with the girls.

Saturday morning I had spent breakfast with my girls and at first I was a bit discouraged. I wanted them so badly to know Christ and to help them grow in a relationship with God but didn't at first glance know if they even knew Him. I spent breakfast encouraging them to try and find time to spend in devotion but they seemed more interested in playing a game I had taught them or cards. This dishearten me a bit and needing to seek the Lord as well as be a good example I went to my room to spend some time quietly before God. I left more door open a bit just so I could stay aware of what was going on and I began to pray. I asked God for help, for answers, for encouragement and knowledge to know what to do with the girls. Then a few minutes later when I was reading a devotional book I heard sounds from the room across from me. I began to focus on the sounds and heard the girls discussion the Word. They were going through scripture and Tim's last message before camp. Ecstatic I jumped up to get in on the conversation.

I asked them if I could join in and just listen and they said they would love it. I let them talk and listened for awhile. I was then able to direct them to some scriptures that related to their conversation and was able to ask them questions about it. They were excited to read and answer and then we were able to turn the conversation to some practical life stuff. About an hour later we were finished and I was so excited and encouraged to see where they were at and that they do know and love Jesus. Also, it was an opportunity to just chat in a laid back setting and watch as my "project" as I will lovingly call her here sat and listened. The girls thanked me and told me how encouraged they were and that got me jazzed for the next couple days.

Summer camp was amazing and I really got to know the girls (18 of them and two other co-leaders) and spent some time allowing God to work on my heart as well. Sunday night, we always have time in communion. It is a very reflective night spent with some time preparing. Let me prepare you a bit here. Weeks before this night I had told you I had a chat that I needed to have with the Paasch's, my "surrogate" family. That week God had begun to break down some barriers in my heart and allow me to lean a bit harder on Him rather then following my emotions. (Very difficult as I am a girl) Then, summer camp came and there was much going on in my mind. So communion Sunday I sat with my girls in the seats and prayed.

God reveals His character in many different ways and suddenly a truth hit me. Tears flowed down my face as I realized the truth of sin. Well, specific sin. I know that Christ died for my sins on the cross and that if I repent of them and follow Him taking up my cross and fighting to win the race, my salvation is secure. However, I realized there were parts in my life I was following a moral standard on and not realizing the impact of the sin toward God not just others. Let me give you an example though this does not exclude many other areas-this one is just one of the clearer ways of explaining. Let's say I try desperately to hold extremely tightly to standards of purity in relationships. So, I have decided not to do anything until I am married and that flows into many specific areas of life all relating to purity. Why do I hold to these standards? Well, for the reasons outlined in the Bible, for wisdom, and for the person I am going to marry. Seems fine right? Not when I take a closer look into the situation. It seems there are sins that I steer clear from not to honor God, but to honor His word, or in this case my future husband. That sound like something simple I should have had a grasp on I know but for some reason it was lacking. So then if I would stumble I would think well that is not honoring your husband rather then that is not honoring and bringing glory to your Lord and Savior. Besides, He is the one that gives the constant strength and constant forgiveness. So even though any sin I commit will have some type of earthly consequences as well as affecting people around me, I am sinning against a holy and perfect God and must never forget that. That night and through the week several of my girls became believers. Praise God for one miracle after another.

That was Sunday night and the next night we were spending the day at Sea World. This was a time of fun and fellowship and ended with a very pensive night at the Greek style amphitheater which overlooked the ocean. They gave us each a glowstick and reminded us to keep it down and quiet. I helped set up and hand out glowsticks and when it began, I sat under the shade created by a tree in front of a streetlight at the very top of the hill. The screen scrolled down as we were given a reflection of the week and all we had learned. Yet again, God revealed more sin in my life and heart. Tears again welled up in my eyes and began to pour out. I sat in silence and thought and watched and prayed. I struggle so much with my family. Big time. I want so much for them to know God and the joy a heart filled with Him has but don't often live out a great example in front of them. In fact too often I live out a bad example where I seem to love everyone else first. I was reminded of how often I don't love all of them and how sinful that is. It was not that I didn't try, it is in fact because I tried to do the whole thing on my own strength and apart from God. I then was hit so hard by the fact that I let my own stubbornness and pride get in the way of my love and sharing the gospel with them. This was a terrible truth that really broke my heart that night for really the first time.

We arrived back from camp Tuesday and there was two days of work and tons of planning yet before leaving for Caborca. The night after we got back I had to meet with Mike and help finish plans and run the last meeting before we would leave for a week. There was something else on my mind that God had brought to my attention at camp. There was something I needed to speak with Lynne about and He also brought the opportunity for me to do it. I needed to apologize for some things and just spend some time chatting. There were some things on my mind I needed to get out before I spend a week focused on something else. We had an awesome conversation following the meeting and she just gave me some advice on things. I am so thankful for her and the rest of the family as they continually point me to Christ and help me to get there. She ended telling me she just wanted me to "pursue Christ" and I told her I really, really was and that He is my priority.

Friday morning arrived and we were headed to Caborca. There was much to do little did I know what God would do with me. This was my fourth trip to Caborca to share the gospel and so I looked forward to the journey. I knew what to expect or at least what I expected and was extremely comfortable in the situation. It usually takes me a day or two before I really get into gear and so I focused on preparing for the week. I learned after a couple days that I was really having problems. It's not that I was distracted as I did not want to be home, I was not unhappy and I had no one there distracting me. I had not a clue what the issue was but really felt it. I spent time with God seeking answers and asking for a change. My passion was really lacking and though I was serving out of love and obedience something was missing. I sought God many times just asking Him to move. Finally on Tuesday night after being there since Friday I saw a change.

Every day we had plans for ministry and when we were not filling our time with that we were preparing for the camps. I was in charge of any looses ends as well as the children's ministry program. We finished with the children and my lack of zeal was really getting to me. I had even prayed the last couple days for a renewed passion in prayer as even that was lacking. So, I went to look for something to do and decided I would join Hannah M. in prayer for the evening. We chatted for a moment before we began. Then, moments after I started to pray I began to cry. I was literally crying out to God and just begging Him to move.

He made me realize so many things and I had one of the best times I have ever had in prayer. We spent all but fifteen minutes of two hours in prayer and it was amazing. God moved my heart so much that night that I literally teared up for most of the two hours. It was so cool because when I was finished I was literally weary from prayer...that is a first. My eyes look rather like fish eyes as they were very puffy and red and I emerged from the dark, hot, room in the back of the RV. God had moved in amazing ways outside in the camp and answered so many prayers. That night we gave away more then half of the tapes we had brought with us and in one night. God, had answered my prayer as well and allowed me to come back to that place of prayer with Him. You know what I mean, the place where your so happy and content that you don't want to open your eyes. You simple want to stay there forever.

We shared the gospel with so many thirsty people all week long. I love sharing the gospel but can at times be discouraged by the language barrier. We gave out many Bibles and prayed and fellowshiped all week. We also spent time as our friends from Heromosilla joined us from day one till the end. Their love for their people and their sacrifices encouraged me and stired me up. The way they love, the way they serve, and the way that they reach out is such a display case for Christ. This week we had two teams united with a passion for the Word of God. Many blessings and prayers were answered for each one of us as we can not possibly come back unchanged.

That was the beginging of many things going on but I just have to tell you that the entire week felt like a battle for me. It was so very difficult and I had to fight the entire time and just go before God and beg. The trip was so great regardless and so many things happened. We had of course many silly moments, and ones that I will never stop laughing about. One in particular is regarding bugs. Caborca is a little warm and so sleeping on floor in a room with no air can at times be challenging. However, God absolutely blessed us with keeping it a bit cooler-or at least that is what it felt like. Then, there is the situation of the creepy crawlies. I do not know why I am so afraid of bugs but I am. Therefore, I brought a very large can of bug spray. Every night I would spray down the window sills, the floor around my sleeping bag, the wall around my sleeping bag, and yours truly. I had Sarah doing the same thing and for the first couple nights there was a cloud so thick I do not think a bug would come within miles of it. Then, the must have stopped caring and decided one night to rebel.

As I said before it was rather hot in the rooms and so we pretty much slept on top of our sleeping bags in shorts with a sheet if needed. So on this particular night I was very tired and crashed immediately after laying down. All of a sudden I thought I felt something on my leg and awoke from a dead sleep leaping into bed with Megan. Just for the record I had warned her not to sleep that close to me as I have a tendency to gravitate toward people...especially when something startles me. So I about leapt on top of her and woke here up. She asked what happened and said she thought something had touched her leg as well. We decided to go to sleep. We were out again within moments. Then, I was again startled awake from a very deep sleep by something on my arm and I could still feel it so I flipped it off. I turned to see what it was as I had been a bit jumpy thinking about bugs all week. It was a roach and it was now hiding under Megan's arm inches from me. I tried to wake her up but it was not working and I could see it. Then I screamed "roach" and both her and Sarah leapt up out of bed.

So I then calmed down and crawled onto the blow-up mattress with Sarah. I decided to sleep under my sheet as I had just about enough bugs for one night. An hour later we were heard screams in the room next door as a centipede had crawled into bed with Mili. That was enough no more. Sarah and I slept in the top bunk of the RV for the rest of the week.

God moved in me, in his people and through this week. I am so excited and encouraged even though life is not always simple. I am thankful He has called me to be one of His. That is amazing! Our God is so good and continues to show me how big, how deep and how wide. I can't wait to see Him and spend eternity with Him. Meanwhile He is working on me here and I will keep trying to run toward Him.