It is a quiet Saturday evening and I sit alone with music delightfully creating a background sound for my thoughts. The thoughts do not quiet down but are able to focus more with something else going on around me. I wear a pair of glasses new to me this very day and ponder through the meaning of life...or at least where mine will be headed.
It is so easy for life to be about me and nothing more or less. It is in these moments that I realize that I have allowed a momentary haze to blind me and I fail to see the Savior. Life has changed dramatically since I have last written as it usually does. I especially savor the moments that seem to twist a new future for me and bring an open door of changes. I have missed writing and have taken to facebook status updating instead which has little value though allows for the constant announcement of thoughts.
The last month I have been discovering the Enneagram and the amazing personalities locked within the chapters. The 9 types unfold slowly within myself, my friends, family and the acquaintances I keep. I read in wonder through the pages of now three books explaining people at their core and the ways they respond. I am still in love with this system though it allowed me to struggle through many of my own issues as they were in print on paper before me. If you want to talk about an emotional roller coaster have someone explain to you your own motives and in fact print your best with your worst and publish it for everyone to see. That is what so much of the books hold. They also hold the most interesting information about discovering people and what types they are and they ways they operate. If you have any inkling of interest in people or if you are a type seven as it appears I am and the idea of people fascinate you I would widely recommend the Enneagram to you.
With that I have had an extra measure of time in self-exploration lately finding I just come up short(not just in height...though 5'1" has yet to be considered tall except perhaps in Mexico). The inner turmoil this brings is both a mixture of awe and utter disgust. Moments like these are inner tests where I can choose to wallow or choose to fight. Fighting sometimes happens after first a fall, but not long will God leave us to fall. It is in the moments when we see our sin and our need that He pulls us that much closer to Him allowing us to once again be reminded that the reason His Son was so terrifically murdered. For this, I struggle through and now am a on set of other missions.
If you have ever follow my life in any manner you will see a series of patters of change and changing minds. Some of this of course is based of life itself and the wonderful adventure that it is. The rest I fear is a protective character flaw that rears it's terrifying head in moments of panic for me. These moments are all unfortunately too much a part of my regular journey through life though I have in fact learned how to begin to breathe through them and not necessarily run in the other direction.
This year will be no different the the rest as I am on to another plan. I am great at plans and enjoying the things life has to offer wanting to smell, touch, taste, hear, and see them all. I also see in the current days a challenge ahead to stick in the game even when life would cause me to be tempted to do otherwise. The the last year has been a great test of this though I have failed in areas I have not meant to. This year will be an interesting one as I am now to face the fears with what strength God has forced me to obtain through Him the last few years. So, charge I will into the known which is much more frightening for me then the unknown.
What this looks like for at least the next six months will be a great adventure. Training for a half-marathon and hoping I will run it this next January is only one step. I have decided to attempt my most difficult and somewhere in the range of major 8 or 9 by signing up for some marketing classes.(Have I ever told you how terrible I am at math...and how Political Statistics made me cry...though I made it through with a B and will never forget that I did!) There are plenty of other ideas that come along with being me but I am going to work diligently on focusing and keeping focused on these even when it is hard and I want to run and give up.
The best part of this situation is that when I want to run I actually can...physically speaking of course since marathon training gets to be the energy expenditure I have chosen. Prayers in the forefront of my mind I choose to take it on and hope that as everything around me is changing so dramatically I can manage to keep my head in the game and keep running first and foremost toward my God and King and second that I will not give up but will in fact finish strong.
So then I will end this blog with my facebook quote from the day which in fact was the begining of these...inner thoughts....'can see a parallel to training to run....I...like to run both figuratively and factly speaking. Working through the moments I can't breathe, pain, and finding out how to work through them all. And....second parallel of the day...sometimes you don't know you don't see things clearly...until you do....'
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