The Challenge

Bound up in a Coyotees blanket near the couch I sit. I am freezing in my own house at all times it appears. Good thing my room has it's own temperature control because I think I am officially a popsicle. In fact I might have to shower in super hot water before I even make it another sentance inward. I have decided I need to stop blogging again because it is time consuming. However, I keep talking myself back into for various reason with one being I need to think some things out and I don't write as fast as I type.

Tonight was blessed with a nice visit to my mentors house. I love them so much and cannot possibly be thankful enough for Cathy and the Wright family. It was such a smooth and God led shift from the Paasch's who live in another country to the Wright family and I cannot forget how God works His hand in my life. I seem to forget this in everything else but look at how faithful God continues to be yet I feel like I have to figure it out. Tonight, she left me with a challenge and a difficult one. The time frame begins with only one day though at first she was asking for a week. Through this challenge I am certain to see God more then I am at the moment. The day I choose will be a day when specific subjects pop up I am to not think on them for one second but immediatly pray and only focus on God. My churning mind is going to have to practice the "taking captive every thought" I mentioned Sunday. How funny it was that precisely some of the things that were on my mind just days ago she broght up.

So, whatever day it is I am to make my mind obediant to Christ. I am not to try and figure life out or plan but just find a rest and pursue God as my most treasured. There are some other stipulations as well including a non-facebook day to illeviate any possible distractions and I have considered turning my phone off as well but she will be praying and texting me through the day so perhaps not that. I guess there is a lot of focus to work on and put in practice and not allow my mind to make decisions that not only do I not have to make but that God directs the flow of anyways. Plus, the other craziness that often directs my life has to be second no matter what I feel like I should be doing at the moment. Giving up some things will be easier when I really give them over and just give the time I like to spend thinking about things to a better use and the only true and worthy deity.

Tomorrow may be just that day and the time. Tonight I pray in preparation and hope to learn self control and mind control in it. I need to know God more and really trust Him and really let go. After much discussion this evening I realized how much I force change. I may not need to be in control of a situation but I do need change and can't leave things how they are. I want answers if they are good or bad if they are yes or not. I want direction always and have little patience for standing still and pausing. It is in those moments I hold my breath and then I gasp and realize I have to make something move even if I force a negative one. This part of my personality is very difficult to grasp when I cannot force God to change a single thing. Maybe all He wants for me is to stand still and breathe. How is that possible? Change is what I pursue...always.

I make decisions quickly and I can leave just as quickly. Sticking around is so much more difficult. I can pull someone in my life and then can give up and walk away and put up a wall so big they will never cross over. Few have made it in my life after the wall goes up and it is only because of them and not because of me. My flinch is if your not in how I want you then get out. Not such a good trait and something I really have to learn through right now. I need to be content with life even if there are moments whith pauses. God, help me to do this and figure it out. May I trust You in this. May I not always pursue a different direction but sometimes work through the ones I am in. May I always be running for You and toward You. God, why is this so difficult for me? Why must I always go and always run and always change directions? Help me to trust and believe what You say. Help me to learn the lessons You are giving to me without my pride controlling the sitation. May I stick to what I said I am doing over the next few months and not jump to ten other things at full speed. Give me a love stronger and deeper for You and help me Lord to make it through tomorrow. May it be a lesson and a focus point. May my days and nights be for You.

The day winds down and this on my mind. Lots to accoplish but I cannot think on those things. Tonight...it is God. Tomorrow is a new day and one I am hopeful for. Blanket and I are going to bed early tonight and very hopeful I am not again awakened at 4 a.m. with thoughts going through my busy, buys mind. One day, one week, one month, one year, one lifetime. God holds all time in His hand and may my urgency be guided and directed by You and not by my own desires or sins or plans. Goodnight Father, I love You.