Contemplation

A nice cup of greenlike substance sits off to the side of me. A supposedly heathly mixture of green drink from Trader Joe's that should have been a warning to me when they had to label it "tastes great". Anytime something has to be labeled as such I know I should not purchase such item but since I figured it would be similar to spiralina I thought it a wise and healthy choice. So, I mix the powder into a nice cold class of "fresh" (how long ago does this mean it was squeezed) Naked juice O.J. to mask the potent taste. My eyes are tired and I have so much to clean and organize over the next few days. Running and working out are also in my mind but the things that do not leave are more distracting and should not be blogged about but when have I ever followed the rules well?

Constantly confused by the male sex I sit again wondering why and what. It is getting easier for me to walk away to just give up and forget and leave situations that seem to have no conclusion to them. The questions are always un-answered and the lack of answers always hurts me. The way life looks is not how it seems and I have not ever been a grass is always greener person though I have never had to commit either. Things are not always as they appear and this goes from both the public view and our own private one. Having to filter out a friendship here can be very difficult as it seems we are together and more then just friends apparently at all times. Sometimes I guess it would be easy to pretend and cling to that relationship because it is easy. There is no commitment or nothing real about it but he is in my life at least three days a week and on paper the "perfect" guy. It would be so easy to fall into the illusion that he is worth waiting for. I know better I know that he is not perfect for me. I know he is an amazing brother who I would not do without and who I am so thankful for. But Father, ah, I know it is not right even when it would have the apperance at times of being that way.

The part that is more confusing and harder to stomach is the way male female relationships work. Once again I have yet to find one that is purely platonic and it causes so much struggle. So, now as I am left in the continual wake of these friendships I have to deal with the waves. This...sucks....and I don't know my role because guys never make it clear. I can't be friends and I get told don't be available or make sure he knows you like him or don't like him or blah, blah, blah...

I have yet to understand the mentality of men and the rules of follow and chase. The only way to know is to be told and now I am going to have a more difficult time trusting. You either want me or you don't this is not a game it is a decision. Funny how fast they can make the decisions and how fast they can walk away...there is so much here I would tend to say out of frustration and lack of understanding but since I somehow still like men I will hold my tongue and pray about my attitude.

So, this will never all make sense and all I get to do is wait it all out and try and maintain a godly attitude. Do I trust it...? Now all I want to do is to run from it and anything like it. I can't get caught up in the whirl wind of I don't know but am going to wait for a strong and godly direction and lead. Meanwhile this patience is painful and so is this entire process. Pulling on one heart-string and then the other. Is it worth it? What do I walk away from permanently, where do I forgive and where do I put my pride and hurt aside and give it a chance? Running....would be so much easier and I so want to take that route with everything in me. God, may I hold on to Your plan and be patient as you knit the details together because at this point there are some things only You can make clear and only You can fix. There is so much more I want to say but now....I can't....or I won't. Father, may I love you more and may I trust You even when You allow me to hurt and struggle through life.