Wanting

It is officially Easter. There is down time which means uptime for my thoughts to travel. Sometimes it is nice moving along life at the speed of light because then there are few moments to look back and linger on the what if's that so often filter through. I would not want a different story then the one God has but sometimes I think there is something I want that He does not give me.

Every thing has it's problems even the ones you wait so long for. It is funny now because the things drowning through my heart and head are so different. There is so much of life yet to live and so much learning to do. I finally let go. I don't have a choice. I hated it. It does not feel right. It felt like a perfect fit to me but apparently it was one sided. The thing did not fit me back the way I felt it did. So, now what? No more holding back. No more waiting it out. I wish the feelings would subside but they don't.

Next chapter. There is much for me to do. I am making a move in a church. I am seeking my Father. I am afraid sometimes. I don't know what I am supposed to do with the guys in my life. You get closer everyday yet I do not understand it. I had already decided you were not a fit. I can't say I don't like you being around though. It helps to heal the hurt. The fit is different. I don't beg for it though right now I cling to it.

Then my mind wanders. God, I am working on just finding You more. What do You want of this? Did I speak so filipantly? Did I ask You to give me something that Your allowing because of my impatience? Is it wrong? Every day moves me a step closer but to what? Then I worry... I am not convinced of this being the best thing. I move closer anyways. I guess maybe it is just part of the letting go. I like risks. I am scared to go down a road and give up the things I have saved so long for someone. I am not ready to give any of that away. Maybe we will not go down that road. I don't know. I don't know what is in his mind. I know what others around us think. However...I am not convinced.

I see you learning me. I see you paying attention and making great leaps. Why? Or maybe God I should ask if my heart is supposed to be engaged in this. This is much more difficult. I don't know. I am just going to continue to wait and make the decisions as I have to. I waited so long for something else and all for naught.

There is so much beauty in You yet somedays I feel far from You. I know you not remotely as I should. I am taking the steps and will see what You have. May my belief be in Your plan even when I have to let go and even when I don't have a clue why. I do beg though that You would continue to give me wisdom in each step of the way. I don't want the worldly wisdom and the one that makes sense to them. I want You.

Thank You precious Father. Thank You for the turning point You have me at again. I do this for You Father because I love You. I love you most and I need You more. I am so far from Your glory....sometimes I am too far from You. May I not ignore You. May I not bask in the feelings of the moment but be wise in all I do.