Temptation

I am slightly embarrassed and thankful at the same time I actually did not post a couple times but saved the notes to a draft. I was unaware until this evening I had not succeeded in making my blog unavailable for public view. I wish I did not wear my heart on my sleeve but have not a clue how to avoid this issue and my reality is that which I feel. I am sitting here with a continued disconnect between my head and my heart. I am lost in situations that make no sense. I want to understand but I can't understand alone.

This week has been interesting to say the least. I wonder what I am supposed to do when there are temptations lurking around every corner. Where Father is Your strength and though nothing makes sense I have to fall onto Your Word and trust it completely. Temptations are so easy to take and if I rely on my strength I will fall. I have given up and so I want to dive in head first now. I do not trust myself because this seems just too easy and too perfect. I know not Your plan and I don't to. This is where I have to continually preach the gospel to myself.

I miss the days my blogs were not about men. I miss when my longing and curiosity were about life in general. I still live in the wonderment of You and the things in this world. I need Your wisdom. Where are the boundaries. I am tired of feeling. I can't hold on. Sometimes I can't breathe. Life in itself seems so great. If only feelings would subside. Sometimes they are too intense for me to handle or to know what to do. And...I don't get to choose. I get to either be obedient to You and wait for the right guy. Or, go down a road You tell me not to with an unbeliever. God, I need Your strength.

Interesting enough we are going through Job in my lifegroup. We see how Satan is allowed to tempt Job. I also know this is an area of weakness for me. Christian guys never pan out, never really pursue or I don't like them. Does it always have to be one of those Father? I am tired of my heart getting continually pushed. James 1:12-15 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.


Jam 1:13 Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God," for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.


Father, I know this. Satan hits us where it is easy to fall. I remember something Mandy told me. If a guy is ready to marry he should because it protects the girl from others guys lurking...she did not use that word but had the same idea. And now, I sit in tears because I know he is the allusion of what I want. Maybe you will save him. I don't know but I can't go down that road and Father I need Your help because it is only too easy.

And...there are no believers who like me. If they do, I don't know anything about it because they do nothing about it. How is it that becomes my constant battle? It is tiring. Christian guys seem worth it. You tell me they are. Why Father do they do absolutely nothing but hurt my heart. Tonight is so, so difficult. And, no matter how much I like them they do not care. They disregard how I feel in order to pursue girls who do not like them. That makes no sense to me. And this guy...is really pursuing and it seems so perfect. Help me Father to see it for what it is. Because...I am starting to want it.

And please make sense of it all to me. Why Father is it only unbelievers who can and will tell me how much they like me. He flirts so openly with me. I have known him 6 days and day 2 he made it clear he was interested. He has things in common with me and is fun to be around. He makes it clear he wants to be with me. He contacts me almost daily. He makes no secret that he wants me. He is so sweet and gentle with me and fun and flirty...And yet...he neither knows You or loves You. Long term that can only end in sin or a bad marriage. May I know what step to take and how to go about it. I need Your wisdom. I need You so much. I need more then anything Your protection because I am so, so weak. Females are just that way. And there is something that continues to draw me to men...You have not made me to long to be alone and yet that is where this has to go. Unless, You take his heart and radically save him. However, that is not the fact of the current situation.

"....my grace is sufficient for you for my strength is made perfect in weakness..." Father....I am weakness.