Feelings

It is a wonder I post anything with this title as it is always a touchy subject. I do much better with my thoughts then feelings and don't know how to respond to the things. I know songs that re-create feelings or word they say that cause me to feel. I have for so many years refused to feel and in doing so have blocked a chunk of life and people out. It turns out I am actually prone to feel a lot when I allow myself to do so yet I am still unclear how to respond.

I am an extrovert incase you were unaware. I am also very introspective. Somehow I have not one problem extracting what I think and verbalizing it to anyone. How I feel...an entirely different issue. I often let guys know what I think. That...is simple I guess. I mostly try not to feel anything with them. Then, I can keep it all uncomplicated and easy. It turns out my heart crushes way too easily and too deeply. Sometimes it overflows into words that make little sense as the wave of emotion directs them. I can hate someone. That is a feeling for sure. I can love someone. That is reserved mostly for family though sometimes I guy gets into my heart and head. That...is when I am in trouble because once the wall is gone I am not sure how to get them back out.

I do not really let guys in. Every once in awhile my gaurd will be down and then I do start to feel. This almost never happens as it is so much easier for me to act cold. I don't know how to deal when someone gets in...or if they then decide to get out. I reserve my speach for the occational outbursts which are usually caused from fear or hurt or misunderstanding. And somehow in all this mess my heart gets stirred. I don't know the how or why but when I can connect with a feeler who is also a thinker I get more wrapped up.

I was interested in the affect this has on me and looked back into the past of men. There have been roughly 2 that I can remember that somehow I connect with in this manner. It has a much stronger pull on me and is much more difficult for me to know what to do with. I hate it and like it equally. Hate the connection that I love because it is something I fear I will not have. Hate letting those go...it is like a continually punch to my heart.

I have no choice. It is not up to me. It either is part of God's story or it is not. He does not tell me though I really need to ask more. I am afraid of it. I like acting cold toward men. Very few are really allowed into my world. It hurts too much and too bad. So, as for now I give up on it all and fill my world with my Maker. He is the one who should be the focus. How could I ever think someone else can fill that? Yet, there is still that longing...sometimes it is an ache no matter how much God fills.

I pray for the desire to leave. I hate it. It never works out. I hate that more. It makes me colder and colder. Yet, in that I am learning how to fall in love with God. It is intentional. It is not that much different then when I am consumed with a person. When you love something you pursue it. The attention and affections, the things that light that person up and make them tick. There is so much excitement in getting to know someone...all the little things about them that make them....well...them.

As a woman there is so much more to that. You want a guy who cares. A guy who is captivated by you but even more one that lets you know. There is so much....being told or treated like we are too much and not enough at the same time. I should not have to appologize for being female. There should be men who long to take the time, to try and understand and learn us. I am reading through a book that seems to be very accurate in some of the feelings and ways we feel and are treated. I feel like guys are just too lazy. And...what woman wants that? A guy who does not want you enough to care, to be with you, to work for you. Whatever....

And in all this I actually am in a really good spot in life. I sometimes just want to get things out. There are multiple projects and changes and decisions I make month by month. God, is so awesome and has been showing me how He is blessing me. He gives me open doors and opportunities and I have to continue to give all these things to Him. My hope should never be in a man...though I can't help but want to be with one. God keeps showing me so now I just hope I can't be patient and not angry with Him for allowing me to feel when I don't want to.

And...the next blog is going to be totally unrelated to men as I have 10 other things in my mind right now.