Along for the ride

At the Paasch's again, sitting on the floor as the feeling begins to come back to the left side of my face. This is a rather funny feeling because the whole thing from my lip to my ear has been numb since about 9am and as the feeling returns it feels rather like when your leg or hand goes to sleep. Tingles everywhere...So instead of sleeping or thinking about the yogurt I get to eat for the next three days or so...I am contemplating.

I think a ton about life and my friends. People God has placed in my life and the circumstances surrounding them. I am thankful for my “family” and excited to be spending yet another day here. I often wonder what I would do with out them, as they have become a very close part of my life. I love spending time with the girls and just being around the family. Last night was so fun! We spent time chatting and watching a “cheesy” romance movie. The parents were gone so we all jumped into the big bed and giggled till we finally fell asleep. Moments like these in life are so simple yet so valuable.

The feeling is coming back and my jaw is beginning to hurt. I am left wondering if I should pop one of my painkillers (referred to by Mandy as "happy pills"). I decide against this because then I feel like I will be finding my dependence on pills rather then my own body to cope. The pain isn’t that bad. It is not something that I can’t handle. Don't we always find growth in pain? I think so. I like pushing myself just a little bit each time to make my body get stronger. This is not the type of pain that can't be forgotten but just keeping myself occupied makes me forget about it. My gum is starting to throb and I bite down harder on the gauze that is jabbed tightly in the spot that has still not stopped bleeding. Funny how such a small amount of physical pain can at times be so irritating and distracting.

What is pain? Pain is something that you feel, something that hurts. I spend time thinking about physical pain and how I can usually deal with it a lot easier then the emotional. I am remembering my past because of something that happened with a friend of a friend over the weekend and how her "protector" beat her. This hits home hard with me as I have a bit of a past with this. Mine was not my husband, for I have never been married. Mine, was my family. I think about what this woman is going through and a tear up a bit. I now have the strength I have based on my past but am left hurting for her and wondering how she is feeling.

Imagine if we didn't feel physical pain. Things would not hurt but then we would not know when something was wrong. If you burned your hand on the stove, you would not know it. If you had something going on inside your body, you also would not know it. Therefore even though it stinks, there are many reasons for physical pain. (I am just very thankful for adrenaline, which alleviates some of it.)
Then there is the emotional pain. This cut hurts much more then anything physically ever could and the effects are usually more extreme. There are many, many causes to emotional pain. Some of it is because of our own dumb mistakes and unwise decisions. Other times it is inflicted on us by others. What happens when you hurt? What happens when your emotional pain far outweighs the physical?

So many people ask to the why behind pain. Why does God allow these things? But then we have to remember we grow through pain. Pain shapes our lives and helps us to grow stronger. It also allows us to reach out to God knowing we have nothing else to get us through. Not that I am asking God for pain of any type, but realizing nothing is outside of Him. There is nothing He can't stop. He says He allows things for our good and so that we grow. Some pain is meant as a trial and these trials reveal character. It is part of the refining process and discipline. Discipline in itself is a good thing; it keeps us from becoming spoiled children. Even God disciplines although He never takes it to the point of abuse on any level. That is comforting to know what He does really is for our best. I think about the vs. in James and I Corinthians, but this one in Hebrews always seems to encourage me the most.
Hebrews 12:3-13

Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives." It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthy fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our own good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather then pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed.

I guess I think about this because of the impact our circumstances have on shaping us to who we are or who we will become. My family has had a deep impact on why I am who I am and sometimes I think I struggle with that. Sometimes you wish your past was different or people were different. There is no use in trying to change any of it or re-live it. I wonder about it often and like to see the changes God has made in my life. In this circumstance I am speaking of my biological family. I have also a church family that has come along side me and helped me more in the last year in a half then most people have in my lifetime. That was a difficult concept for me as I so often felt "failed" by my family, especially the males.

My family has always been a difficult one for me to be a part of. Do I hate God for any of it? No way. I love to see what He does with broken vessels and how He can mend us and put us back together. God has kept me so safe and so protected. I long for that and love seeing all the things He has brought me out of safely. I remember so many times in my life feeling completely broken. There were days I remember being crumpled on the floor in tears unable to move or pick myself of the floor because of inner pain as well as outer. Having grown up in a crazy family I have experienced physical abuse on many levels. Never so bad I was hospitalized, but enough to leave marks inside and outside. I really didn’t have it that bad and lived a very blessed life. I remember what this pain was like as an unbeliever. You feel pain so strong you don't know how to get yourself outside of it and you don’t know how to respond to it.

I remember even in high school not knowing where to go but feeling like I wanted to run. What happens when the people you put your trust in hurt you in the same way that you can't bear to be hurt again? When you have a past with physical abuse and you no longer trust anyone. How do you deal? I remember much depression and sadness. A life filled with emptiness and longing for that savior. I got a glimpse of that feeling one morning when my friend Dawnee came to the house to get me. I had been throwing up all night and was sleeping in a ball in on the bathroom floor. It had happened again. My grandparents who had always protected me growing up were having some mental problems and would out of anger attack me. My friend came in the bathroom and picked me up off the floor. She grimaced as she looked at my ear and the side of my neck. It had been scratched pretty good and the blood was dry and caked on. She hated blood but proceeded to clean me off. We left for the day and I just enjoyed getting away from my reality. I loved my friend as she was always "rescuing" someone who didn't know how to be rescued.

This type of thing didn't happen much at this age. However I was not emotional strong but actually very weak and unable to emotionally handle any of this occurrences. It hurts and is so upsetting even to this day that I can't handle abuse or anger. Yelling, screaming, attacking the people you love. I don’t understand this need for fighting or anger. In fact I despise it and emotionally can not be around it. I get physically ill from this and have to leave the situation because I end up getting so nauseous. But outwardly I have learned how to act strong.

It was two or three years later that I became a believer and found out what being "saved" really meant. When Christ stepped into my life and began to fill that void I began to understand complete and perfect love. That doesn't mean I forgot my past or that all my problems disappeared. On one level, they actually began as my family began to disown me for my faith. I was unwilling to give it up as emotionally messed us as I was for a found a place of peace, a place of trust, and a place of rest. This was a first and a beginning of something great.

It’s funny to see how my life is now. I have become a very strong person because of this. I can fight to defend myself when necessary and can deal when I have to. Behind that, there is also much weakness. There is a lot more weakness then I would ever show. You find out going through life if you show people weakness, they will use is against you. I remember learning that quickly. If people’s main intention is to hurt you, you don’t let them know how they can. You become defiant in the face of danger and walk directly up and look into the eyes of the person hitting you so you show not one ounce of weakness. That way they don’t see your fear or weakness and they become fearful themselves. They have lost the control over you which is what they fought so hard for. They can hurt you physically but you try not to allow them to hurt you emotionally. And even if they do, they don’t know you are weak and they will never get the satisfaction of knowing it. I hate that people feed of this type of power or control over others.

Now I look back and love seeing God’s hand in each and every situation. The protection He offered and how He will use me the way He shaped me in the lives of others around me. There are so many ways I am still growing but I know trust and what that looks like. I know love and that it is worth waiting for. I know peace and fulfillment. I also am left thinking about how people often fear or are intimidated by those of us who are the “tough girls.” But being one myself, I know it’s all a façade. Well, a lot of it anyway. Some of the strength God gave me is genuine but I can definitely put on the act. Because of this it makes me reach out to others like me without fear. I am not scared of other “tough girls” but know they need Christ just like I needed Him. Can I glorify God with who He has made me? I wouldn't know how to do it any other way. Besides, God will continue to shape me and mold me to who He wants me to be and I am just along for the ride.