Blinders

Life is crazy, it is inevitable. It is busy, and fun, and filled with things to do. Last night during worship we sang a line in a song that always strikes me. "Lead me on and I will run after you." It is of course talking about God and is really the only appropriate time to say this and mean it with your heart. I just love it for it reminds me that we are to run and run hard. What happens though when for a moment in time it becomes a hard run?

Sometimes I wish I had blinders on. Just like horses, it keeps you from being distracted by things outside of what your rider wants. I want God to be my lead, and with that hope that I can be as focused as possible. I want to look at nothing except that which He would want me to see and feel. The more in tune a horse is, the less distracted, the more easily he feels the signals his rider gives. Sometimes just being the tiniest bit out of sinc can throw the horse and rider communication off. Think of a shadow, or piece of plastic, or even wind. All of these small distractions can be detrimental as the horse may run, stop immediately or try to buck his rider off. I am just thankful after knowing what this feels like that I can not buck God off.

Sometimes this distraction comes from a tiny action or misaction. You know those points where you do things you don't mean to do and can't explain why? You know you can not fix things, and you can not take them away. Sometimes I wish life was as easy as deleting a blog. I often reflect on these situations and have no idea as to why I follow such a pattern. I have a couple specific ones that personally drive me nuts not to mention the possible range of responses I get from others.

I am so trained (by myself) to respond in a certain manner with people. Sometimes it is more difficult to get past yourself then you can even imagine. There are just times where I choose to completely ignore someone and I don't always understand the reasoning behind it. Then other times I say something specifically to get a reaction from someone. The reaction that comes is not always positive but at the time of the statement I am usually trying to counter-act the action stated before. Basically after ignoring someone that I may not want to I try to get their attention back later. This is not set up as a game by any means except with myself. Really, I am trying to get passed my own weird actions. Often enough the second action does not help the first but only increases the problem.

Some of this I have explained before and in the last few blogs it has related to guys though it is not exclusive to them. With girls, it may be that I just think they don't like me and so it may just take me a bit longer to get to know them. I don't just ignore people if I don't have some type of reason, and I usually get to be very good friends with them later. Sometimes I may not intentionally ignore them, I just may not notice them at first, but once pointed out I can befriend.

Then there is the issue of guys. Please don't think that this is all I think about because I really talk and think about them quit a bit less then it appears. I just seem to have a great many opinions on this for it is one of the things that as a girl I do care about or I should say comes up often. Really though for someone who has succeeded in never dating you can't really think I am too boy crazy. Though I can't argue with the fact that I rather enjoy their company. Besides that, I can't help but tease about it and make fun of the whole thing with my dear sisters. But back to the ignoring thing. So basically I used to absorb attention from guys. Then somewhere after being saved and growing a ton I realized I had to much need for their attention and affection. Sometime after that I realized I need God and not guys for any of this.

I am always trying to find the correct balance and right relationships but don't usually trust the guys. I don't really flirt with all the guys for attention and have become very cautious of the friendships I keep close. I have also become very sensitive as I have worked in places for the last few years where guys specifically come in to flirt, to gawk, to try and pick up girls and just don't always act very appropriatly. (Where did I work? Just coffee shops. That shows you the intention of many guys these days.) I read a book once called Every Woman's Battle and at that time I remember reading something that had talked about getting attached to other men that were not your husband. As females we like to get emotionally attached and there will be a time and place but until then it requires absolute caution. We know our hearts our wrapped up in our emotions and since mine is just barely bruised but still entirely in tact I would like to keep it that way. That way later on I have it saved for whoever I marry and I am so careful to keep it for him and him alone.

Since I am so careful it also can affect my actions to an extreme. It can be difficult at times to tell the difference between a guy I do like and what that I don't. Well, then again if you watch more closely I almost completely ignore the guy I do not like until I am sure that he knows there is no way I am interested in him. The guy I do like I may seem wishy washy about but that is only because of my inside battle with the situation. Really, I think it is how I protect my heart. I do enjoy their company and love to be around them but may not always make it evident because I am still keeping some level of distance. My heart can attach rather quickly and so to prevent it going before there is any clear pursuit from him, I choose to hold back sometimes and that helps keep me more level headed about the whole situation. Think how often our hearts get caught up in the illusion of a situation. That is why at times I attempt to use my head at least on some level.

It really comes down to God. Doesn't everything? Or shoudn't it? It comes down to where my faith and trust lies in Him, how much I am seeking Him and who I am living for. There are moments I forget all this. And it may not take much. It may take one detail or one speedbump in the road. Other times those speedbumbs may draw me closer to Him. Maybe I should pray for blinders or really dark sunglasses. I needed blinders last night but for a much different reason I can not bring up on a blog at this point. I was in the midst of a situation I did not want to be in. It put something in front of my face I by no means wanted to see. And what I saw hurt me though by no means intentially. However in moments that like my faith is tested. How much do I think I have control vs. God? Who do I think can sway a situation or take control from His hands. How much do I care what people think of me? I need so desperatly to follow God with a reckless abandonment and faith like a child. So as every day, I am left to trust and follow hard after Him. His plans will succeed. That brings me peace.