Can't sleep : (

Tonight, my mind is very busy and so I cannot seem to sleep. There are about five billion things (I am exaggerating slightly) that I am thinking about. I wonder why my mind at time seems like a hamster wheel. It runs over and over and over and succeeds in nothing but keeping me awake and occupied in thought.

Since I could not sleep I got up and decided to have a spoonful of icecream. Then, I decided I wanted to brush my teeth. It is at random moments like these I seem to come up with analogy's relating to life. I was thinking about how if I don't brush my teeth before bed I wake up and can't stand it so I must go and brush them. Then as I swished the water I realized how nice and clean my teeth felt. Yes, I love the clean feeling. I really don't like to feel dirty ever. But then how can I possibly sin?

I have been trying to add to my devotional a couple of books that I got for graduation since I always have time while waiting for my employer's in the morning. I sit and read the word for a few minutes and then pick up a book to read for about ten minutes or so. It's really agitating when points are drawn out and things you have just read in the morning you have forgotten by night. What then of sin? How often do I forget about it? I too often have a momentary lapse...actually I should say that I too often choose to sin.

So as the brush scrubbed the scum from my teeth I remembered some of the things I was thinking about as I lay in the dark only 10 minutes before. I was thinking about sin. My sin and how much more I could have gotten into. I also was reminded of the stupid ugly things that I have done and will continue to do. I hate regrets, but they exist. I used to live by the motto from one of my favorite movies "live life without regrets and with honor." That I get but it is dumb as well. I wish I could get past my sin and cease to be engulfed by it. That does not happen. I wish I was not covered in scum and that I could brush it all away as easily as brushing my teeth.

God's son sacrificed His life to make me clean. I wish I felt like I stayed that way. I wish I ran from every temptation, like my thoughts were always captive, like my tongue spoke only good and that flowed from a pure heart, like I was always pure, always loving and encouraging. That however, is not fact and that is painful to realize. Even more so when I deliberately sin rather then rely on God's strength and turn my eyes to Him. Sin is so disgusting like that taste in my mouth if I don't brush my teeth. If something that simple can wake me from a deep sleep why not the brokenness of my sin.

I so often think God allows me to fall so I remember my place and that I can not become better by working my way to heaven or by being good. I must realize who I am and that I will always on this earth be living in sin though try to run from it. I often have that thought in my head when I do deliberately sin that God is suddenly going to take away the good in my life, the blessings He has given to me. I know I trust Him but sometimes and scared of what could happen. Not just out of fear for I know He promises not to give me more then I can handle. Sometimes I guess I am just scared of what I can handle. I am scared because sometimes I don't want to have to be strong or any stronger.

Now things just seem to easy, to simple. Not that I am not overwhelmed with everything that I am trying to do because I still don't exactly know how I will get my chapter 5 test and my midterm completed by tom., but I guess I am always just waiting for His testing. I am not scared in the way that you think, really. It is more a fear caused out of the knowledge of His power and my weakness. It really comes down to the fact I don't trust my self, my reactions, my responses.

I rethink through my past and the things God has delivered me from in absolute safety. I screwed up and could have absolutely messed up so much more if it had it been up to me. I now know what kept me safe, who kept me safe. I think of how dumb sin is. I also think of my place and where God has me. Well, there is much more to think on but it is about midnight and I am going to try and get some rest. I guess though sin can be like that feeling in my mouth. It will only stay dirty for so long before it grosses me out completely and I can no longer stand it. Then, once I realize it, it is time to scrub it out. I just wish it never came back! That cleaning is all up to God but I know that I dirty it up again. Oh, how I hate that.