"In love with love."

Today I considered taking this blog off entirely and making it private. Not that I worry about it being widely read by any means however it seems to have more of a mixture of both what I think and what I feel. I wondered at how smart that would be. I though about many times in my life when I wish I had not said certain things...some of them throwing me into a panic mode. I wondered about all the stories I tell and all the ways I say things very straightforward and with a bluntness at times. I am learning I don't usually filter. Probably because I don't really care. Sometimes I care but only when I suddenly think that something I have said has the control to change my reality. I guess potentially it could. Potentially my mouth weather stated, thought or written can change everything. This is only true if it is part of God's plan.

There is something nice about resting in that. Does it make me bolder? Yes. Do I have to apologize more? Sometimes. I often wonder why it is so easy to say what I think. Sometimes I change what I think. Often I can tell you both sides of an argument in my head and be totally convinced of whatever the last words from my mouth were. I tend to give a lot of grace because I try so desperately to see things from another persons perspective. At many points in my life this becomes very interesting. In any given relationship I have spent long hours thinking about others perspectives. My analytic nature usually only comes up in this instance when there is a decision to be made or when there is a lack of harmony. I hate that. I hate dissension.

It is moments like these that scenarios run through my head moment by moment. I try to understand. Sometimes my mouth will speak. I will say things I don't mean because I am a verbal thinker. I have to work things out verbally out all times. Sometimes I can kill some of this by doing it on paper. I have at times to do anything to get it out of my mind.

I have been thinking that maybe some of the things I think I dislike about others are true about myself. I recently told my lifegroup leader that I did not want to date one of the two guys who asked me out based on the fact that they were "too into love, or in love with love." It is funny though because I can easily fall in love. Maybe I am in love with love...I remember reading something about the 7 with the 6 wing that stated "are always in a relationship or always looking for one." I have been lately looking up some of the Myers-Briggs stuff. Some of it rings very , very true. I am not sure I like that about myself...but it is true. There have been few moments in life there is not some guy on my mind. If not I can easily find one.

I think that is what makes right now so difficult. I rebound from one guy to the other leaving little behind me. It makes is so easy. It makes it so I don't have to commit to someone ever. At the same time I am the most attracted to the guys who seem very committed. Tell me how that works. Also, I don't know a time there has not been a "guy situation" in my life. Sometimes it has been all me. Sometimes it is them. I don't know. I know other things about my character that make me wonder about what I would even look like in a relationship. I am very afraid of being trapped and dealing with pain. Or at least that is the summary of the 7s greatest fear which is also very true. That is why I have spent the last 14 years rebounding as much as possible.

Rebounding has not put me any closer to the right answer or even the right person...I don't think. It is a really bad habit. Goes right along with me started 10 thousand things all at once and being able to change my mind a lot. I can make up my my in ten seconds but always keep my options open in case a better one comes along. That makes my day to day life extremely complicated as well. It is very difficult for me to RSVP to almost anything. I am always worried something better that I want to do more will come up. I don't like having to tie anything down and I value Independence. As much as I value doing my own thing...I also want someone who is willing to do it with me. This is just confusing. I don't want to do life alone but I am picky about it.

The most difficult part right now is just continually trying to fill that part of hurt with Christ. I know I can fill it with someone else again. What will that accomplish? I will have just shoved something else in that does not fit. My heart will get hurt and I will have never had to work through making Christ the answer. How healthy will it ever be if every time I get hurt I run to another guy? Not healthy for a long term relationship. I am so good at only liking one guy at a time but when they end it I run directly to another. Not a good situation. It heals the hurt for sure. But...one of the ways for me to grow is to have to deal with the hurt and face it because that is the thing I never do.

It hurts longer and hurts deeper. However, now is when I might actually learn something. I don't let many things hurt me but somehow my heart is very, very fragile and it breaks easily. I have yet to understand it. In so many ways I wonder if that is exactly why God has kept me out of relationships knowing He promises not to give me more then I can bear. On the love end I can bear very little. That is why I am so choosy with love. I size up every guy first and if they make it through that initial phase then I spend a lot of time trying to figure out the details of them. There have been only a handful of guys I have really truly trusted and only a couple I still do.

So, now I sit just daily having to try and pursue Christ. Everyone tells you when it is right you will know. I wonder how many of us have been wrong. I wonder if is more the feeling of love I have been in love with thus far. Real love is different. It is built of more. Real love is putting the other first. It is giving it to God with an open hand. Being a servant. Humble. Gentle. It is so many things. It is not just the romanticized version of what I so often feel it. It is feelings to though. I wish I could control those. No matter what my head says my heart leads it. When I make rules that is my head talking but my heart wins and breaks them every time. I feel like the heart is stupid and risky and forgiving. The head is stubborn and blunt and frustrated. There is a constant war between the two...my heart always wins. My heart also always hurts.

The walls go up. I cease to trust. I cease to trust love. I see what love can do and I feel the physical pain of it. I cannot dismiss it or the desire for it. There are actual effects on the heart that I cannot explain. Moments I feel. I don't get it. I know everything has a good and bad to it. I just wish it was always clear. The head wishes for the heart that it was always clear because my head would like to protect my heart. It looses.

No matter how injured I am I wish the heart would truly give up. It does not. It waits. I put up an outward coldness sometimes a harshness to try and protect it. I run sometimes fast and hard. Sometimes I run forever with no return. Other things I feel stupid for holding onto. I don't know why the thing wont let go. I can't let everything go I guess so rather I trust the outcome and hand them over to the One who is in control. He has a purpose. He has a use for me. He knows. He knows His timing and His plan.

It is things like these I sometimes wish I did not say or post. Sometimes I feel very safe here because I am being vulnerable to no one. When you find that person you can be totally you with. The person who sees your good and your bad and still wants you. The person who is your best friend. That, whatever that looks like is worth waiting on. In fact if friendship pairs with love it becomes priceless but only if paired with love and desire on both sides. So, when I type words on a page I can say what I want. There is no judgement from the paper. It will not talk back. It will not use my weakness against me. It will not love me either. It is not real. It will not become a best friend.

I guess I know deep down guys a best friends is never safe. I know I have my best guy friends and maybe one day one of them will end up as my best friend. I have yet to discover how you get around the feelings that get tied up in that. It makes me very cautious. I can't open up too much or a guy may fall in love with me. Sometimes I fall in love with him. I guess it will be right when God makes it clear on both sides. I guess that is not what everyone wants but above and beyond all the crazy lists I make I think that is what I have always wanted. I have always said that is what I wanted but have yet to find a safe way of keeping close guy friends. I have many, many acquaintances but few I would truly call my friends. I guess that is my way of protecting myself or at least trying to.

When it is right it will work. No matter what I do or say that is right. No matter all the things I will do and say that are totally and completely wrong. I am still working through it all. Being perceptive of relationships around me. Being extraordinarily careful with those in my life. Wanting more then anything to know a guy who will protect me even if that means from himself. I don't know what that looks like. I don't get to try and figure it out. I do however get to try and figure out God. Every day I have to work at that relationship. Everyday God will continue to teach and grow me though it is a slow and lifelong process. I will make tons of mistakes along the way. Each one shall leave its mark and in each one I will be tested.

Is it safe to blog whats on my mind? I guess that does not really matter. I am not going to loose friends over it. I could worry that I would loose a relationship if a guy ever saw. However, I disagree because if I am not me in front of him then he will not fall in love with me but the version of me I am trying to show him. I don't tend to live a very "safe" or careful life anyways. I tend to like taking chances. Besides, one of my favorite things is talking and of course finding someone who likes to talk and laugh with. I do it quit a bit and so these thought are not different then the ones I would speak. So, all in all I am just going to continue to try. I will try and be who God would want me to be. Somehow this crazy girl is exactly how I am supposed to be, exactly where I am supposed to be and completely wrapped up in His plans. That to me is entirely excited and makes life much more peaceful to experience. May I continue to trust what I don't see and what I do not understand. May my head knowlege help guide my heart. : )