Dinner tonight at Pita Jungle. I am now sitting on the floor having a very difficult time seeing. Strange as it is my eyeballs have decided the last 4 months to have issues and it seems to be getting worse. They are getting extremely sensitive to light and are often blurry. I could chose to be angry and feel limited. I could get upset with God...I choose rather to thank You Father for the blessing of having perfect eyesight thus far. Thank You for allowing me to see the beauty and the world for what it is. You have the ability to take and I give and You give so much. However, tonight is not about eyesight. That is simply the distraction. Tonight is about purity.
I am so frustrated and so upset with a friend. I love him dearly as a brother but cannot tell you how frustrating guys can be. Especially, when they don't protect my sisters. I can't be his holy spirit. I can only love him and try and protect her and point them both to Christ. It is so difficult when I want to say so much out of anger. I am so upset that he did not protect her but tried to take what was not his to take. I hate that.
I was thinking about men. Real men. Men who love God. Who love us first. I remember a scene from a movie called "A Walk to Remember," where Landon, the main character and his new girlfriend are sitting on a bench. (at least I think it is a bench for that is not the part I focused on) The shoulder on her dress slides down off her shoulder and you see the way he protects her immediately by covering her back up with her sweater. Protective. Something about that kind of love captures my heart. I can't help but love that feeling. If a guy cannot see you as a sister first how will he ever love you? If you cannot protect each other and don't treat them as you would really treat a brother or sister then how can it ever be love. You then have lust. Why is there so much a hurried attitude of loosing one's innocence, of giving it away?
I can't stand most men. I don't trust them and as far as I am concerned they are not allowed near me or my precious sisters. A guy I trusted with her has proven himself to be untrustworthy. If a guy cannot be in control of himself then he does not love you first. He in that moment is more concerned with filling his own need and desire and is not thinking about you. In that moment there is no way he sees you as a treasure. If he cannot wait for you and protect you from himself how will you ever be able to trust him. You should be able to respect and trust a guy...it is then you are willing to give him your heart.
I don't understand the lack of brokenness over sexual sin. God tells us even thinking about someone in that way is a sin. We should be radical about it. Not even a hint...not letting it linger and fill our minds or linger too long on something visual. Don't do anything with someone you would not do in public. Keep it clean. Keep it pure. Keep it love. I understand there are struggles and mistakes. Those are slip ups and forgivable. There is a difference. There is forgiveness there...there is learning to be said for both parties. It breaks my heart when guys just take especially when the take so flippantly.
I guess I still have so much to learn about men. It is entirely my job to help protect my brothers and I learn continually how I can do my part in trying to maintain the innocence in the relationship. It is my job to do my best to protect them. That has been a difficult road for me and one I don't always understand. I am not always aware of what I am doing or what I have done that has caused someone else to go down that road. I am starting to get it...maybe a little more then before. I try so hard to be so careful. I do not want to be intentionally responsible for a brothers struggle.
I have always seen innocence differently. Sometimes I don't understand that the words I say, the things I do, the ways I act, the ways I flirt can potentially cause someone to struggle. I am learning. There is such a difference in how guys and girls view and feel and think about sex. I have to see them as brothers and will only respect the ones who can treat me as a sister. Keep it clean and be radical. Protect your ears, your eyes, your touch. Yes, I long for it but differently. Touch for girls is a connection. It means something so much more different. It is difficult to understand. If it is right, if it is love, the guy will have a connection too. And...more then anything he wants he will find the strength to do his best to protect her too. Will they stumble...it is possible. Is there forgiveness? Of course. Does he have to be perfect...of course not but it is in the moments of struggle you will see his heart and where his intention really is. Does he care for you or does he just want to take from you?
I now think I need to be even pickier then before. I need to be even more careful. I do show my love and affection with touch but do not necessarily mean it with any regards to sex. As a girl I talk about aching for touch but it is different...so very different. I can ache for the heat and the presence and touch of being close to a guy. It is not the ache necessarily for sex, but to feel protected to feel in general. It is different for us all. It is a head and heart thing which is where it starts and the more a guy is in my heart and head especially as a brother the more physically comfortable I am. And yes, we long for it...so differently. Sex may not even cross my mind in any of those instances because I do tend to think innocently. Am I perfect in that...? No, I am single and 28...and human... I tend to think purity is worth being radical for.
There are changes I see that I need to make. I am careful but am learning ways I have to be even more so. I want that. I want to be with someone who respects that. Of course I want to be with someone I want but if it can't be kept clean and innocent it will never really honor God or be for His glory...it will be for selfish reasons. And...I am unwilling to give that easily. I hate that. Hate how easily people take with little regards to how big purity is. It is worth all the wait, all the difficulty and the lack of being able to loose control. It is a great test. It is part of honoring God and keeping Your relationship pure and undefiled before Him. It is never loosing that innocence even when it is not cool. Be refined by God and not the world.
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